| the bugs in my shower |
[27 Aug 2006|11:06pm] |
My nightly shower ritual
in a cold cement basement.
Putting on my Johnny Cash cd to drown out the noises of the basement
and naked vulnerability.
First, a thourough inspection of the shower.
From the dusty floorboards above my head, to the cold gray stone beneath my feet.
It looks clear.
I get in and turn the rusty handles.
I've gotten used to the pipes bitching when I make them work.
The first time turning them on, I had to duck and cover for fear the house was crumbling around me
A VERY. thourough inspection of my pink loofa before letting any fiber of it on my body.
I can only assume that failure to do this would result in Art coming home from work to find my naked, bloated body, dead of a heartattack in my basement shower. The centipede still sitting in my loofa, laughing in victory.
I keep cautious watch over the spiderwebs above my head.
I allow the spiders to live. I mean, we're on the same side. You know, the whole enemies of my enemy are my friend thing.
There is a beetle trying desperately to climb the humid cement.
I allow him to live as well. Only because the thought of crushing his hard shell underneath my bare foot sends shivers through me.
I watch him carefully though, studying every move.
If I turn my back for one second, I'm sure he'll magically appear on my shoulder, bringing about the very death I spoke of earlier.
So far so good.
No sign of the unmentionable land creatures that hide in my ceiling with one hundred wiggling legs.
In fact, I'm even starting to enjoy this shower.
The warm water running down my body.
Hell, I even start singing to the music.
Ring of fire is a damn good song!
Then I see him.
The bastard.
His plump brown body.
Just sitting. RESTING. All one hundred legs stretching, twitching.
The fucking grand daddy of all centipede grand daddies.
He's just fucking sitting there.
Looking at me!
Daring me to make a move.
So I do.
I caught him off guard by splashing water on him.
It worked! He sat there for just a moment, disoriented.
That moments hesitation sealed his fate, and I bludgeoned his vile existance with my shampoo bottle.
Lilac scented.
I watched his dettached legs wriggle, and slowly die on my shampoo bottle.
Me-1
Centipedes-0
Tonight I won the battle, but the war.....??
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| whats the damn word Im looking for?! |
[27 Aug 2006|10:19pm] |
you know the one where you feel all giggly and depressed at the same time because you miss certain things from the past even if you were somebody completely different, and completely idiotic?
blahh well I'm drawing a blank.
I thought these damn journals were supposed to self destruct after not writing in them for... oh what has it been.. 3 years?!
I'm even more surprised that I came here looking for it!
hah.
I have to laugh at myself sometimes.
Dork. Notice the capitalization.
I miss the midnight escapades
just the newness of him
all of my pretty piercings
gone now. even if I got rich out of the deal.
that living room with the nativity scene.
Jesus wore a gas mask, Mary wore gang symbols
roadtrips
revenge
adventure
and the one I wrote about more often than not is going to be my HUSBAND in 3WEEKS!
I dont want to let go of all the crazy fun we had
I dont want to have a stupid graphic design job
I dont want to be a stay at home mom
oh wait... I dont even want to have kids!
I dont want to own a house and come home from work to make supper and clean!!
I DONT WANT TO GROW UP!
RAWR!
blah.
I'm not saying I dont want to get married. heh.
I just dont want to become all that was mentioned above.
and I wont.
Oh wait, I already am.
DAMN
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[28 Dec 2004|04:37pm] |
i just swallowed snot sickness.
this keyboard is dry.
after three hundred and sixty five days.
record players, dark nights, little turkey stars
green eyes, kind words
vaginal juices
this is my last entry
three hundred and sixty five days later.
pearly whites
red stains of blood turned into pristine snow
omnipotent promises kept
black and white memories
leg braces and bandages, fire and surgery
throwingwet dog food on their car among other things
man, i wish i could have stuck around to see the look on their face
silver beauty
liquid release
those things are dead to me
among others
im happy
im completed
im am finally.
your stupid.
nashua adventures
3 months of physical rehab should buy me a house
sometimes life isnt fair
but i can deal with that now
this is old.
and done with.
dont read this.
im never going back.
were going to get married.
you remain the same.
words dont explain this
im not even trying
road trips
skinny dips
beautiful lips
semen drips
thats all for rhyme its stupid anyhow
the music matches
shut up
im going away
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| my girl |
[09 Feb 2004|11:01pm] |
when the music finally matches the words
and the feel
my god, it will make you shiver.
better than any damn tree
no matter how many thorns and beautiful words from past summers
like a black sucking hole being corked.
there is no way to describe it.
no more desire for bitter drunkeness
altered reality
needles tearing flesh
no more running away
complete.
in a juke box
and animated smile
with beautiful blue eyes, exploding with yellow
ive been waiting for this day.
like the most purest moment of spinning circles under snowflakes
with the person you love most.
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| many years frustration and sweat |
[05 Feb 2004|12:09pm] |
its kind of exciting
but not so much
driving past the spot that almost took my life
but decided to give me a seatbelt scab and bruised knee instead.
and no transportation.
and i dont even care
of the possesions of this world
instead of dying
coming home to come
and listen to beautiful words
and know that i finally am loved
to know that i finally have a place
look back
insecurities wash away
perfect.
i dont need this anymore.
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| and a record player?! |
[20 Jan 2004|04:25pm] |
(love.)
so ive become to only access this screen that i once loved so much at times of excess boredom.
theres a concert tonight
im not very excited to go
the comic booked elvis impersonator is dragging me to it
who knows maybe i'll enjoy myself.
however today is a strange day because nothing seems to have gone successfully
yet i feel like a beautiful queen, superior to any problem that crosses her
maybe its because everyday you look more and more lovely to me
but there are no chains or shackles
no green eyes or overanalyzations
complete control of mind.
you are so beautiful but my emotions no longer are affected by your influence
and you know it.
it makes me smile a little.
saturday was black from 11 oclock until morning.
he tried to take advantage of the moment and got hurt
i thought my septum had closed, the jewlery no where to be found
along with the buttton on my jeans
and there was rice in my hair.
i learned a lesson, and im not lying either.
theres a room that i have in mind
flowing with modest mouse record players and a mattress.
it makes me happy to dream
off things not all to certain to come to me
i have a 20% off coupon for the bought again book store.
mmmm... ok.
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| kidney failure |
[13 Jan 2004|01:41pm] |
good luck?
is that all you can say.
well forget that idea.
i dont need you.
ben missed his first day of school because he had massive diarrhea.
art ditched his friends to hang out with his "cooler" ones.
opened my eyes some.
i like manda. shes nice to me. very pretty in her own.
my mind runs constantly.
haven't had time to catch them. write them down in here.
im used.
when no one else is available. black hair and pretty eyes. yellow surrounded by blue.
this new found knowlege makes me cry often.
my heart feels broken many days. i bet you didnt know that.
not many do.
i smiled today. because i wont be used anymore.
buuuuh.... (exasperated sigh) whaa...? yeah, thats right. hah.
so fuck you.
im glad nina's surgery went ok.
i bowled a 142. my best ever i think. i hope it hurt when they pulled your stitches out.
still a little hidden agression. give it a day or so.
ben danced like a chicken. even though he lost. many times.
i dont like my class. the people look unfriendly. i dont want to know them.
i want my friends. that i love. to be with me.
i hope pat lets me change my class. if not, well....... who knows.
she has cancer anyway.
bitter.
im not bitter.
in fact i think i laughed today at least 5 times.
hard enough to produce tears and sore stomach muscles.
it was nice.
dont call me. i'll always be here. everything i love goes away from me.
beautiful things approach in the days ahead.
i can feel it.
ok then.
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| purple nights pumping |
[04 Jan 2004|02:23pm] |
the best ever
hammond house
its been such a long time
they patched the hole in the ceiling where the baby doll hung
and the carpet contracted hiv so they tore that up too
so many old faces
screaming my name as i walk through the door
and the little dog that i missed so much
lots of drunken people
with big bear hugs
you were right:
time heals all wounds i guess
will is skinny now
and stretched his ears up like mine
bigger than mine!
now i have some competition
the bens were being gay together
and ryan was as pretty as ever
making new friends with old enemies
it was a beautiful night
and then i got laid.
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| un |
[01 Jan 2004|12:13pm] |
im not dead?
that was a pretty shitty new years eve.
fuck the prying irises widening
they pry and then dont give a shit anyway.
leave your fingers to yourself motherfucker.
im sick of everything.
dont try to act nice to me
because theres no one else.
i cant believe how much i can love you and hate you at the same time.
you dont deserve that picture.
but i'll give it to you anyway
shes too beautiful for you
im angry at the world.
and society for what its done to us.
and my friends
and myself.
i wish i could slap it all out of my head
but it sits and rots.
with nobody the wiser.
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| scrumtrelescent |
[29 Dec 2003|01:11pm] |
orange pirates drink
in celebration of a new found love for will ferrell.
the baby was white.
and we drank too much
using up all of the tape on the electronic label machine.
too many scrumtrelescents.
the refridgerator was masterbating
and its snowing slightly.
i bet shes all tan now.
i miss the olds.
yes, i miss her.
dont want to go back to school.
his cake turned stale.
ben was naked.
we still dont know where he peed.
but when we awoke there were subway tickets strewn about everywhere.
ink and needles, please.
i smell pretty
that sleeping bag has strings attached
that wind around your neck at night
and wake you up in a moment of terror.
i made really pretty art.
i want to talk to you.
but im sure i have nothing to say.
in need of sleep..
i guess thats all.
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| floppy cock |
[28 Dec 2003|11:46am] |
hopes down walking through walmart
on a great mission for chocolate milk
then delightful standard number 5
an old face told me to surprise him after graduation practice
i remember that night
with leaves in my hair
lost plugs and big sunken ear holes
i shouldve told him to surprise me
i slept in a big teeshirt and nothing else
waking up to an empty house
last night the door opened magically at 1am.
and i was in love.
i wanted to hug him so much that i slapped him in the balls.
merry christmas.
i guess he missed me too.
girlish giggling human enVELOPE! hehehehe
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| destination lucky brand |
[26 Dec 2003|01:26pm] |
i always admired that show "two guys and a girl"
i miss my boys
they should be coming home tomorrow.
excited for big hugs
.
everyday waiting
fundraising
for ink
and needles
a cop followed me home
got an attitude
because he "thought" i was going a little fast over that hill
(bastards.)
colorful flaking
two layers of color
i miss him
i think about him
maybe too much
foolish humans.
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| pretty little beer gut |
[22 Dec 2003|07:41pm] |
the apartment carpet smells like peppermint booze
we laughed and screamed while we hung up his childish drawings
stumbling on pillows and blankets
fabulous results of an employee christmas party
and its the worst place to sleep
with scorpians scurrying
refridgerators barking
and his nose whistling all night long
but hes still the most beautiful boy to sleep next to at night
the old
trying to kiss and seduce in a closet filled with christmas presents
where the truth came out 3 months later
mr. winkle posters
and everythings a competition
"8?! now i feel like i have to catch up... i was number two though, so i still win."
stupid beautiful boys.
i recieved records.
hes leaving tomorrow for almost a week.
such pretty eyes
i like your little beer gut
gee... thanks art
no i mean it, i like it.
(poke.)
and you have really big eyes.
wow, you really know how to compliment women, dont you?
but their not big in a bad way, their nice. like you look into them and get stuck...
ok, i'll give you credit for that one.
roadtrips 4 hours long
to buy records in a lovely hippie record store
im planning a little room for myself
invisioning it.
today i looked in the mirror and felt like a beautiful queen.
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| if theres one thing i know about this town, its 500 miles underground, and thats ok. |
[20 Dec 2003|11:02pm] |
"if theres one thing i know about this earth, were only here just to make more dirt, and thats ok."
the words of the most beautiful people in the world.
if only i could make words half as marvelous as they.
i sit and flip that record for hours.
that one is bad for my heart.
makes me cry.
and then calls the next day
innocently.
damn him.
so ignorantly wonderful.
hot chicks with nose rings playing pool all night long
i saw the nod of agreement
pull the pigs from the garbage and watch them explode upon impact
blood and guts on the windshield
im trying to like them, i really am
but their nonstop giggling is like needles going into my eyes
im full of surprises
just lovely ones
you'll see.
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| thought bubble |
[17 Dec 2003|12:13am] |
im so scared and afraid
that next month i'll be alone
next month i'll be alone
panic stricken tears
and those horrible lumps that choke the shit out of you
(i know you love me.)
(guess what, i love you too.)
(can you believe i prayed to forget about you?)
(i know.)
(but sometimes i think its for the best.)
because i hurt inside
sometimes because of you
but mostly because of me
im afraid
and scared
in need of reassurance
he spent the whole day with me
then left with a measly hug and smile
the elvis glasses slipping off his nose
no promises
and shutting the door
never knowing how much he makes me scream inside
i found records
endless amounts of them
modest mouse's bests
on record
record!
i thought it was the happiest day of my life
so i bought two records
and i assure you, theyre very beautiful
because im listening to them now
and i'll listen to them while i sleep tonight
to hear them in my dreams
so i said from here on i want nothing but records
and told art and ben to buy me records for christmas
so it will be a delightful christmas.
it helps me forget for a little while.
that i love you and am trying not to.
god, im just afraid
and i dont want to be alone.
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[14 Dec 2003|11:08am] |
resistance
melted away in her vaginal juices
for the second time
like animal instinct.
seduced
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| swollen nipples |
[11 Dec 2003|10:53pm] |
cracked and bleeding
i can tell
im making you loooooove meeee...
soon you will be mine
in all of your stupid stupid manlyness
mua ha ha haha
subway scams
playing on the ice
i love it that he went to catch me
pulling me by the hand like a little boy.
to look at toys and animals
fingers lingering.
fucking incredible
how you can make me feel sometimes.
but i hate you for it.
and thats that.
snarlos.
customers at work can eat shit.
i hate them.
everyone.
horrible, hideous, selfish, land monsters.
somebody needs to kick that little kids ass.
i wanted to rip his ball sac off and mount it on the wall
above the clock would be nice.
very suiting, if i do say so myself.
DIE ALL OF YOU.
damn him and his slushy vodka.
i need some of that right now.
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| eating pudding with a fork |
[08 Dec 2003|07:00pm] |
little insignificant presents are the biggest ones of all
his lips are beautiful even when he force smiles
i'll make you not sad anymore
my left nipple hurts
in need of salt water
i dreamed that my collarbone piercings were infected
the skin gaping around the oozing holes
and when i touched them, layers of skin just started melting from my face
one chunk at a time, sliding down and falling off
to reveal pink slime
that is me
underneath
(it was somewhat disturbing.)
i sliced my finger on an exacto knife during my 1oclock class
and now i have a little mouth on my finger
maybe i'll name him
or wouldnt it be a her? since i am female, i would except every part of me to be female also..
but not neccesarily.
the red haired boy is beautiful.
i smile at him everyday.
i know hes jealous of him.
and thats cute.
im pretty good at changing minds.
we might get bunkbeds in an apartment with a jaccuzzi.
nice.
me and the boys.
i feel nervous around government officials.
with their fancy suits and legality and authority.
thursday i will send someone to jail
for quite a while
and cant help but feel a little bad
because everyone makes mistakes
i'll bet he just wishes he could have another chance
im such a procrastinator
this paper is due tomorrow and i havent even started on it yet
damn.
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| liquidized stomach |
[06 Dec 2003|10:35am] |
i love how he looks in the morning
all crumply and disheveled
and then he smiles and sits on me
pokes me in the ribs
the clinking of two metal bars
combined with the creaking of wood
his house makes funny noises at night
that i dont like and keep me awake
and my hat fell in the toliet after i puked 3 times
to hear hearts beating is like listening to music
i actually feel speechless
congratulations
you've done it again
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[03 Dec 2003|08:22pm] |
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I SPIT ON THIS HEINOUS THING SO CALLED "LOVE".
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