Island Characters' Blurty

Crazy for feelin' so blue...
Currents always shift, tides always change. But things can always be depended upon to grow harder and harder.
I was denied a government grant for my research on endemic anemones and the schooling habits of Trump fish. The reason? I have no lab, no crew, and my methods are a little too unorthodox for the tastes of the Grant Review Board. My research and data were thorough and concise, I left nothing unattended. But still I am denied the assistance I so rightfully deserve and so desperately need, in favor of those that pin up marine life in sterile white boxes to poke at and slice apart.
I was depending on that Grant to see me through a few months. It would have made my research a lot easier, the vice-like pressure of money troubles would not plague me quite so much. My boating tours and odd jobs would not be quite so frantic, in the need to keep myself alive and pay Koa her alimony simultaneously, as another source of considerable money would already be padding my pockets. Now I must work overtime with whatever job I can find. I assumed that the Grant would be mine, I neglected working as hard as I should have, most of my time going to research so that my data was complete for my review. I don't know how I am going to come up with enough money for Koa this month. I don't know how Polo and I will live off of the change that's left over.
To top this all off I have chosen to tangle my emotions up with a 17 year old girl. Dakota. I know that the only thing I am asking for is trouble, but somehow I really don't care. I'm not interested in Dakota for the physical pleasure she could offer, I am not interested in Dakota for the danger of the situation. Quite frankly, I'm not quite sure why I am interested in her at all. We share none of the same interests (though Koa was never interested in the ocean the way I was either), and I have a sneaking suspicion that she does not know who Elvis or Patsy Cline are. I feel that I am almost too old-fashioned for her, but hell - I am too old-fashioned for people my own age. I just can't allow myself to be sucked into the impersonal and hormone-driven modern way of thinking. Despite the fact that we are hot and cold, black and white-it feels good to be with her. It reminds me that I am still a person, that I am still real.
But why do I have to be reminded of my reality by a girl who is 14 years my junior (and soon to be 15)? How many women of a more appropriate age have I met since I got to Moloka'i? Makayla, Flick, Gena, Red, Faith, Piper. Six, maybe more-I've never won any awards for my memory. I laid awake all night last night, as my worries shifted from money to women back to money and then on again to women. I am not in the market for another heart break like the one Koa served me (though, of course, neither am I in the market to marry anyone, as I did Koa), and I feel that that is exactly what I am asking for from Dakota. I do not believe that Dakota will ever feel in any serious way for me, but I cannot help the fact that I feel for her.
I am waking up from a long coma, and I can feel the sand that has settled over me shift and fall. In the last few days I have walked through myself and back again mentally. I am lost for the first time in years, and I cannot make out my destination.

Current Mood: discontent
Current Music: "Crazy" - Patsy Cline