Blurty for Kelsi.

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Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004

Subject:So... its not all good is it?
Time:7:08 pm.
Mood: confused.
Music:Papercut - Linkin Park/Dont Cry Your Heart Out - Oasis.

Stop Crying Your Heart Out by Oasis

Hold on...
Hold on...
Dont be scared.
You'll never change whats been and gone.
May your smile, shine on.
Dont be scared.
Your destiny may keep you up.

Cuz all of the stars, have faded away.
Just try not to worry, you'll see them someday.
Take what you need, and be on your way,
And stop crying your heart out...

Get out...
Come on...
Why you scared?
You'll never change whats been and gone.

Cuz all of the stars, have faded away.
Just try not to worry, you'll see them someday.
Take what you need, and be on your way,
And stop crying your heart out...

Cuz all of the stars, have faded away.
Just try not to worry, you'll see them someday.
Just take what you need, and be on your way,
And stop crying your heart out...

Where all of us stars will faded away,
Just try not to worry, you'll see us someday
Just take what you need, and be on your way.
And stop crying your heart out...
Stop crying your heart out...
Stop crying your heart out...
Stop crying your heart out...



Well I guess if things get better at home they must get worse somewhere else right?

Right...

So anyways, schools getting better and worse at the same time. Our english class is doing a play and this girl was talking to the teacher and he said I was perfect for one of the main roles and that it would "definatly" be me... but time will tell all wont it, I hope I am :D

My math mark went up from a C- to a B in the time period of a few days. Hah yes!

Im almost for sure going to Coquitlam, even when I thought I wouldnt be... I dont care if the team ends up not needing me or Jenna, it'll still be fun! They cant take me out now... Ive paid :D

Socials is still a bomb... but I really dont care anymore, i just dont. Fuck it. Science isnt doing to bad I dont think... but who knows.

Yeah, so now to that part thats going bad. For some reason I do not know Caitlin hates me. She hung out with Kelsey this weekend, so I guess they're still friends, but whatever... good for them. I cant figure out if maybe its something Kelsey said, although I highly doubt it because I havent talked to Kelsey in nearly a year and when I did I never said anything mean about Caitlin... not ever. So it cant be that... but I cant figure out what i did. Now she hates me... and I cant figure out why? I wonder also, does Jenna hate me too now... because I didnt see either of them all lunch. I guess I'll find out tomorrow. Id be devistated if the only two people who could stand me, and who I truely thought of as real friends... hated me...

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Tuesday, February 24th, 2004

Subject:You've Made Me Heartless, Congratulate Yourself...
Time:8:41 pm.
Mood: cynical.
Music:My December - Linkin Park (one of their 2 songs I like).

So we had a basketball game tonight, and guess who didnt get to play... Me and Jenna. He played the first string like the whole time, the other players got maybe a minute each, and me and Jenna got nothing. Then at the end of the game, which we lost by only one fluke basket, our couch had the nerve to come up to the both of us (at different times) and say that we played really well and did a good job out there. Jenna just gave him a dirty look and walked away. But when he did it to me... I looked right at him with the angriest look on my face and said "I didnt even play" and then walked away. Im pissed... I dont care that we lost like everyone else does... I care that I didnt play. Fuck him... This isnt worth it.

Also... I saw my mother today. Shes home. She made me heartless. I needed my bathing suit for gym on friday... I knew she was home, just knew it without anyone even telling me. Just like I knew alot of other things... So anyways I just walked in without even talking to her, I relied on my aunty for that, grabbed my baithing suit, but then my aunt asked if I wanted to see that baby, and my mother followed. She didnt even apologize... SHE DIDNT EVEN APOLOGIZE! The first thing she said to me, and the only thing, was: "So, did you win?" All I said was No, we lost, I didnt play. I couldnt even look at her, I didnt look at her. Not the whole time. I didnt say anything else to her... I just left. Saw my baby brother and left. My little sister was excited to see me, but I couldnt acknowledge her... Couldnt, or wouldnt? I dont know... but I didnt. I have to talk to her soon... but she has to apologize first! Fuck her... she made me heartless. She can congratulate her self.

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Monday, February 23rd, 2004

Subject:Gone Away Lyrics/Boring Day... Such a BLAH Day
Time:8:03 pm.
Mood: blah.
Music:I'm Still Here - On The AMV.

Gone Away by Cold

Do you pray, in the night?
Can you feel me in the wind?
And I wont care, I wont fight.
I need you close to sing, its the same begining.

Gone away, its the same old, same old song.
Gone away, its my whole life in words.

I cant breath, when you cry, but I'll be there to hold you tight.
And I would kill, I would fight.
To keep you close I'll keep singing the same way.
I wont live, if you died.
If I cant feel you in the wind.
This is me, its my life.
I need you close to sing, its the same beginning.

Gone away, its the same old, same old song.
Gone away, its my whole life in words.
Gone away, its the same old, same old song.
Gone away, its my whole life---

And I cant say, and I dont know, how far I'll go.
And I cant say, and I dont know, how far I'll go.

Gone away, its the same old, same old song.
Gone away, its my whole life in words.
Gone away, its the same old, same old song.
Gone away, its my whole life in words.



So, today was boring. Nothing really happened. I went to school and I was completely out of it. Half the time I didnt even know what was going on... It was great... I guess... We had a shitty assembly and I didnt know what the fuck was going on the rest of the day so I guess it wasnt important after all.

Tonight I had basketball practise. It was alright, except I totally fucked up my ankle and now it hurts like a bitch. They told us that we were for sure invited to provincials and that they already booked our rooms. Also, there are over 100 teams in the province but they're only taking the top 16... We're somewhere between 6-10... its great! It totally could be so much worse... but we're actually pretty good!!

Well, bored, and got alot of things to do before sunday...

Plus, Im watching Inuyasha AMV's... They're pretty good!

Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, February 22nd, 2004

Subject:Dont Belong Lyrics/Secound Chance For Me?
Time:10:45 pm.
Mood: ecstatic.
Music:Crawling in the Dark - Hoobastank.

Dont Belong by Cold

My mind takes you to where you need to be,
Cure for your heartbreak, to take away the pain.
I could describe each mistake for you,
Tattoo it on my tainted heart.

Well I wont ever tell the world, that I dont belong.
Please dont ever tell the world, that I dont belong.
Whoa---
That I dont belong.

Can you still feel me, or did I slip away?
A sick man, a monster, broken still today.
I cant explain what happens to me,
Caught in the game I've always starred,
I could describe each mistake for you,
Tattoo it on my tainted heart.

Well I wont ever tell the world, that I dont belong.
Please dont ever tell the world, that I dont belong.
Well I wont ever change my ways, and I cant be strong.
Whoa---
That I dont belong

And its my own shame,
I cant break away---

Well I wont ever tell the world, that I dont belong.
Please dont ever tell the world, that I dont belong.
Well I wont ever change my ways, and I cant be strong.
Please dont ever tell that world that I dont belong.
Whoa---
That I dont belong.
Whoa---
That I dont belong...



So... This week has been really busy, stressful, awful, fun... So many things describe it... So on Saturday it was my step Grandmother and Grandfathers reunion and while there we decided that I was going to live with my Aunt, my Uncle and my 16 year old cousin. Im actually really stoked... I think its a secound chance for me to actually have a happy childhood. Theres only three more years left, and then Im on my own... I guess in a way this makes up for the rest of my life when I was always sad and depressed. The times when I lived with my mother. So on Sunday Im going to pack up all my shit at my mothers house and move it to my aunts. Im so happy because:

1-I get a new place to live with people who dont totally hate me.

2-I DONT Have to switch schools and leave my friends...

3-Im happy...

Its weird, nothing bad or upsetting has happened in the last few days, and thats a drastic change from normal things. Of course, there is one problem, as there always is... I havent told my mother or asked her if i can live with them. Its not like Im actually going to ask her permission, because I dont give a fuck what she thinks, but still... She doesnt know yet. I havent even talked to her yet, and I dont want to, but I have to before friday. I think she thinks that im still going to live with her... and in a way it hurts me inside because, well, Im not totally without feeling for her. She is my mother after all... But Im still moving, no matter if she makes this hard on me, or easy. It has to be done.

Another thing, the recent lack of bad events has caused me to not be cutting myself. I dont know why, but Im missing it and wondering if Im ever going to do it again, but why would I, when everythings going right in my life for once. I really dont know if Im going to have to do it again, and it makes me sad and scared and I already miss it... Is that weird?

So also at this anniversary thing me and my cousin that I am moving in with got kinda drunk... it was fun because at the end me, him, his sister, and my aunt (his mother), were all dancing together on the small dance floor they had set up. It was... fun!!! For once a family event was fun! Well... my mother wasnt there to make it horrible by getting drunk, so all was good. Im so happy to be moving in with them I cant even express it! You dont even know... I cant even know. Hopefully all of my hopes for this dont fall and break. Hopefully all will actually be good...!

Ive found that I dont really care what people think anymore, and that Ive matured alot in the past 2 years... That ive become harder on the outside since the last "pregnancy" episode happened. I mean, the first time this all happened I was so worried that people would find out and make fun of me... but now I really just dont care! I dont care that I have family troubles and anyone who brings it up in a mean way can kiss my ass! Plus, I guess its better because this time I have friends by my side who are actually willing to look out for me... Its good to have friends who actually care! Things are just going my way nowadays... Suprising!

As for my friends. Ah... and what great friends they are. Me and my two best friends are going to go to Scandia (this like kiddie games place) and get stoned or drunk or both and then go play games. Its going to be sooo trippy and Im so stoked! I cant wait. The plan is that in the morning we go to my friend Caitlin's house, and then Me, Caitlin, and Jenna all get high and then Caitlins older sister drives us to Scandia for the whole day! Its gonna be sweet! I wish it were the weekend already... but it isnt, sadly! Oh well, Ive got a whole week to anticipate it...

Plus, our Basketball Zone Championships are on Tuesday, and we're gonna win them!

We're an undefeated team!

Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, February 20th, 2004

Subject:Mad World Lyrics...
Time:1:26 pm.
Mood: mellow.
Music:Mad World - Gary Jules.

Mad World Lyrics...

All around me are farmilliar faces,
Worn out places, worn out faces.
Bright and early for the daily races,
Going nowhere, going nowhere.
Their tears are filling up their glasses,
No expression, no expression.
Hide my head, I wanna drown my sorrow,
No tomorrow, no tomorrow...

And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad,
The dreams in which Im dying are the best I've ever had.
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take,
When people run in circles its a very very,
mad world,
mad world...

Children waiting for the day they feel good,
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday...
Wanna feel the way that every child should,
Sit and listen, sit and listen.
Went to school and I was very nervous,
No one knew me, no one knew me.
Hello teacher tell me whats my lesson,
Look right through me, look right through me.

And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad,
The dreams in which Im dying are the best I've ever had.
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take,
When people run in circles its a very very,
mad world,
mad world,
enlarging your world,
mad world...


My friend Tony sent me this song and when I heard it I thought it was soooo good and now Im totally obsessed. To me it has alot to do with whats happening in my life... Especially the third verse that starts 'Children waiting for the day they feel good...' makes me think of whats going on in my life. So anyways, awesome song, I love it...

Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, February 19th, 2004

Subject:Razor blades and knives...
Time:9:42 pm.
Mood: indifferent.
Music:Mad World - Gary Jules.

Well I just gave myself a haircut... with a razor blade and a knife. It looks horrible, and I dont care. I pretty much gave myself really choppy bangs that go over a little too far on each side and are totally uneven... Im gonna have to be wearing my hair up often... but even like that it looks sort of retarded, but better. In a way I like it though, because I just dont care anymore, and if I really wanted too, my hairdresser aunt could fix them.

I accidently cut my thumb open with the knife while sawing the razor blade out of the razor (its one of those plasic shavers, you know?) Ive never really cut myself with a knife before... It hurts more than a razor, but only for a split secound. I still dont think I could ever cut myself with a knife though, razors hurt less in my mind, and Im still afraid of them (knives).

Well anyways, we had a basketball game tonight. Our team is in the fians and on March 5, 6, and 7th we are going to Coquitlam for the BC Championships. Yeah, our team is good. Its one of the only things that makes me happy anymore. That and getting wasted, which isnt gonna happen this weekend after all, but next weekend. Im going to my step grandma and grandpas anniversary at the Ramada on saturday though, so I'll probably get drunk there with my cousin... At least I'll have some fun this weekend... But then after the weekend???

I have to fiure out a living situation. The last time the whole baby thing happened I stayed with my Grandma and Grandpa, but now their moving and its into a 55+ condo, so I cant stay with them... but I cant stay with my mom either. I dont want to... Im considering going into foster care...
Anything to get away from her...

the dreams in which im dying are the best ive ever had...

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:The Worst Day of My Life Has Been Repeated...
Time:1:21 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Music:nothing....

I have just had the worst day of my life... again. Well anyways about a year and a half ago my little sister was born. Now normally that would be good except for two things-

1-My mother didnt tell anyone she was pregnant until she was in labor.

2-The guy who impregnated her was married and had two kids of his own

So anyways guess what, today the EXACT same thing happened, except now I have a baby brother. So now I have a 1 and a half year old sister, and a newborn baby brother... Its really kinda shitty.

We live in a small house and we can barely get by on what my mother makes... if she keeps pumping out the babies, we're screwed. The last time it happened I stayed in my room for five days and wouldnt even talk to her. Now, Im not as bad... but Im still not going to talk to her.

It was so hard for me to forgive her the first time, how am I supposed to manage it now?

I mean, I guess that yeah, Im excited to have a little baby brother, but me and my sister are nearly 14 years apart, and me and my little brother are 15 years apart... How am I supposed to explain this again to everyone I know. Last time I sort of lied, and I pulled it off too... but this time? What the fuck am I supposed to do? Everyone will know Im lying this time... Everyone will know that my mom is a huge fucking slut. Jesus... Life sucks!

So I guess what I have to do is not tell anyone... I cant... I cant take it...

People say enough about me behind my back as it is.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, February 17th, 2004

Subject:I Guess It Starts...
Time:10:28 pm.
Mood: crappy.
Music:Can nothing be music?.

So this is my first entry... not really much to write about today. Valentines Day came and went... this year I thought it would be different, it wasnt. I had a date this year... a blind date. My friend set me up with this guy much older that me. Hes a trucker *cringe* no offense to the trucking profession, but a trucker is not for me. There were other things that turned me off through the night, and now he is bugging me for another date! So not stoked! I keep telling him I have plans, I just dont have the heart to blow him off. I keep telling him when we do go out it'll just be as friends, but i can tell that hes hoping it'll develope into more than that... but it wont.
I wont let it.

So this week has been pretty shitty as well.

Essay due in english, math teacher hates me, drama meh - movie, gym - skating ^.^, foods teacher is a bitch, socials is hell, science is alright, french, got a sub, a huge whore... I miss my regular teacher.

Im avoiding doing my essay, by watching tv and writing in this diary... sadely my essay is due tomorrow, got to get it done. Yet another all nighter is planned.

My math teacher is a jackass, and dont think I am being whiney either, its a consentual feeling throught out the whole classroom.

Drama is fun so far, we're watch the back window or something like that... Its by Hitchcock, its amazing... all of his work is.

Gym is my haven, I love sports. Tomorrow we are doing skating... its gonna be awesome.

My foods teacher is on a health kick and I guess she would like me and my friends better if we didnt spend the whole class insulting her. But shes a bitch, what can you do. I keep thretening to leave her evil messages on the chalkboard like I know where you live... and I do. But they are only meer games and none of it is true... Im not a fucking creeper.

Socials is just hell, and maybe thats an understatement.

Science is alright, now only if I could pass that class... and its not hard, i just dont care.

Stupid french bitch, but the regular is back next week. Then its back to skipping and no homework... such a slack class.

I cant wait till the weekend. Its a long weekend. Its awesome. Friday me and my friends are getting drunk and high. I guess nowadays all I can look foreward to is my next time, the next time I can feel free and truely not care. And I dont care... well I do. But I wont. I want so much and yet I know I can achieve none of it.

If only they didnt have so much faith in me.

Faith is a dangerous thing...

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Blurty for Kelsi.

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