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Saturday, October 11th, 2003
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4:38 pm - ... and sometimes you turn the trigger to yourself.
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Alright, things seem to just keep getting so much fucking better.
Got yelled at for no obviously reason, go to walk off and dad hits me. Oh yeah, there's going to be a bruise. Fucker. I need someone to talk to... anyone...
it's pretty bad when you think that "hey, even i think i would be better off dead."
my head hurts. heh... my arm hurts now too. thanks dad. you fucking prick.
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9:12 am - Me face down, down across the floor... just as long as this thing's loaded.
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Still, my stomach is in knots. It doesn't help when it's fucked up anyway. I woke up at 7 this morning, not looking to bright on the day. Remember the times I said I woke up happy because of you? Well, kind of can't since I haven't talked to you enough to have a reason. But, oh well. Woe is me. I should try to just kind of forget about why we don't talk and focus more on problems I can deal with. Cause you can't deal with a two-person problem with one person. God damn why do I get so fucking attached?!? I don't need this! I don't want to stay attached to something like this. I don't want my feelings right now. Even though I do have someone he's not there enough to be comforted by. I would give up anything to take back every day I had with someone that ends up splitting away from me. Just so I wouldn't have memories. Sometimes, memories are good you know? Like a friend that moved. You remember the long talks you had when you were upset, the nights staying up till 6 in the morning writing and drawing pictures on their bed, and the videos we recorded so we could watch them over and over again, seeing pretty faces on t.v. Those memories I'll never forget because I don't want to. But some are just too much to bare with the others, and they only get stuck when you don't want them. And god, I don't want these. And there's not much I can do but sit down and worry about it because obviously they're not. But I don't want this fucking job. I don't know if I can deal with it, handle it. Deep down there's this young, delicate innocence that's dying, only get hurt by the affectionious, foolish girl on the outside. Because that girl let's things happen to her, and only end up scarring the little girl inside her. Sure, I comfort myself with words and lyrics. Cause it's the only way I know how. I'll put secret messages in songs, because obviously they know how to say it better then me.
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| Thursday, October 9th, 2003
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3:00 pm - i think im missing something. yeah, probably am.
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i haven't actually wrote in this for awhile. let you know the low-down on life and what not. i havent had time. go figure. so anyway, what's going on? i'm still dating adam, i got caught smoking, i have some kind of stomach problem that is no good and i've been working my ass off.
all work and no play makes jordyn A PISSED OF GIRL
today was the our mid-term exams. well, the last of them. writing was a little tough--but i think i'll live through math. we got out around 12 or so but the buses were still on regular route schedule. in math me and charles were talking and decided we'd walk home together since we lived pretty near each other. but first we had to walk with sara to buy some bleach for her drug test.
idiot.
she does that, and then leaves with jesse and everything to go smoke and drink. like i said people.
im soooo going sXe.
cause 1, i don't want to get into more trouble. and 2, drunk/stoned people are pissing me off. i don't know what i want. i mean, of course you get that wild hair where like you -need- some illigel content or substance to make you feel relieved or perhaps just hardcore. fuck, like i know? but sometimes you just need it. craving it.
but i'm not going to get into what's actually bugging and poking me in the side all day. but i will say this. you know who you are. you got a problem with me--tell me. im serious. that sounded like a junior high threat but i mean exactly that. if i did something to make you have a stick up your ass, please inform me. i don't really care right now weither the person sees this and just gets more mad. i must be on a roll so i'll just push myself a little faster. i'm not in too good of a mood. so if you do see this, just believe me when i say i dont want to sound like a total bitch and that i never want to talk to you again. it's just aggervating me about whats going on.
there. i got that out. now, move on to other important things.
well, i've been emailing crystal for awhile now. yeah, i'm so happy i'm talking to her again. she wanted me to go see good charlotte with her oct. 30th but i cant. but since i cant, i guess i'll go out with sara and she'll come with me to take my cousins trick-or-treating. hah, today me and sara were trying to get money and telling guys that we'd make out for a dollar. so slutty, i know. charles gave us a dollar but we didn't make out or anything. lol.
adam has actually been good for a couple of days. shocking. he's been getting this whole "benji" look with the teary eyeliner and beanie/bandana thing. but it's cute. although he can't go eyeliner worth shit. i'll probably do it for him tomorrow. i can't bare to let him in public again wth his. heather anderson has a dream that i video taped me and him doing the you-know-what. so now adam's getting these wild ideas. not only that but he's running around telling all my guy friends im a good kisser and what not. maybe i am--i dont know. but i dont think my guy friends want to know about that.
well i guess that's going to be the entry for the day. i'll try to catch up on more later. i love you guyz. <3
so when you're dead and gone, will you remember this night?
it's not right
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12:58 pm - Does it make you sick?
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yeah so anyway, adam can't go eyeliner worth shit. haha. i was going to go it for him today but he didn't go to school.
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| Wednesday, October 8th, 2003
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9:32 pm - what the fucking hell, man?
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okay, please someone tell me what's going on here. just like, tell me what the fuck is going on. man, my stomach is like flippin' out and everything. GRRRR this is bothering me so bad. just tell me. thats all i want. tell me what the hell is going on. are you ignoring me? what? seriously, im like so confused.
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| Thursday, October 2nd, 2003
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5:25 pm - We'll be together in our minds.
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Today was a good day, no? Adam was there. I missed out on the fun yesterday. They did his hair in pigtails and put on eyeliner like the trade mark, "Benji Eyeliner". So I totally missed out so I'm a little disappointed about that. Anyway, today was alright. I didn't eat today though; mostly cause I was wondering around too much to stop and eat. Haha, I've been hearing more crap about Adam messing around on me. It's starting to get both me and him mad. I don't know if it's true or not, but I'm not going to jump to conclusions. Yeah, I think he might be going cross-dresser on me. He's wearing my best friend's thong. Isn't that a little messed up? He kept talking about his sack hurting like hell. lol. Idiot. But today he like nearly raped me before third period and was like talking about ditching class and going somewhere to finish what we started. I just told him to go to class. Then after school he was talking to me and just grabs my face and says, "No matter how far apart we are, we'll be together in our minds." I laughed at him. What book did he get that out of? I just called him a fag and told him to get on his bus. So today was actually fun, even though im kind of frustrated with everyone trying to make me and adam's business their's. i just read his letter that he wrote me; he wants to know if i'm mad about him wearing carolyn's underware. moron, i swear sometimes. well i'm out for this entry. peace.
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| Wednesday, October 1st, 2003
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11:36 am - Tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone.
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Mom saved me from the 3 hour spictacual today, thank god. I didn't want to sit outside for hours, and espicually with Adam out there. He's been acting weird lately, so I think it's best we distant ourselves just for awhile.
Anyway, I think I deserve a medal. I am damn good at making people mad at me. Maybe that's not a good thing sometimes but you know, I'm still good at it.
Yeah, I went to that Bon Fire last night. Marisa would -not- get off me and I mostly hung out with Sally, Sara, Allen, and Lindsey. Knowning now that Sally is bi, it was kind of weird with her hugging me and hanging on me and Sara. But me and Sara didn't really care. lol. The Bon Fire was cool, but for the most part it was control by the Fire Hose and there were SROs from different schools around it to keep from any idiots falling in or throwing something that could explode in it. There were more people there then I thought would go, so I'm actually glad I went. There was some old car there. Yes, 3 hits with a baseball for a buck. Me and Sara each had a dollar so we waited until we were about to leave to bash the car. You know, you'd -think- making a dint in a car would be a little easier. Getting up there and hitting it, no doing much damage, hell, that things just there to make you look like an idiot. So I was standing there, bat in hand, and slammed it into the side of the car. I'm kind of glad I was mad at the time cause that sure did help out a lot. Sara took a picture of me when I was standing on top of the car and hitting the steering wheel. So I might put those pictures up here sometime.
And while I'm feeling a little good about myself. You guys that may be mad at me or frustrated at me...Fuck you.
Yeah, I got a big mouth.
And yes, maybe I do worry too much.
And SOMETIMES, I do make things worser then they are.
I'm an idiot like that, right?
Right.
Screw you guys.
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| Monday, September 29th, 2003
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3:15 pm
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Okay, I'm going to try to put this together piece by piece. Put it in order like the directions to cooking something.
Today I went to school, and in a pretty good mood. I went to Dandy Donuts like usual and got a cappachino and a biscuit and came back to school. I was feeling good, everyone seemed happy. Until after 1st period.
Going to second period I noticed that Adam didn't come out of the gym, so I assumed he wasn't here yet again. This some how relieved me because I wouldn't have to tell him today. But, getting farther up the hallway, who showed up? Adam.
I asked him why he hadn't been at school, while other girls about dog-piled on him, and he told me because he had been at the doctor because they said he was depressed and they but him on medicine. Yeah, and the doctor had to hold you for 2 weeks to find out something? Someone told him that I was planning to break up with him, and I even told him I was thinking about it. He didn't take me seriously, so I left it alone until after 2nd period.
Step 1. Take out and let thaw.
So in second period I wrote him a note basically saying that no matter what excuse you use in your abscence you could have still called me. And that I was worried about what was going on, and it wasn't right for him to leave me hanging by a thread. So after that class I gave it to him, and he said he'd write me back. I felt better that I got out what I meant.
Step 2. Remove from box
So then lunch rolled around, I skipped 3rd period to go to second lunch and see him. I'm walking with Heather and here he comes, arms around Laura, and he just casually gives a note, not breaking the embrace with her, and just keeps walking. I read the note, and he said close to nothing about our problem. Yet just talking about stupid shit I could care less about at the time. What's wrong with him? Oh wait, and he gives me his phone number. But wait Adam! Wasn't your excuse for NOT calling me was that YOUR PHONE WAS DEAD?!?! Yeah, I think so. Not only that, he was hanging all over these girls and not paying ANY attention to me at all. So I leave to the otherside of the school with Mark, Josh, Heather and Marisa. Josh is a little mad that he's made me upset, and does his best to make me smile. I thank him for that now. But Adam comes walking around with Laura, sees me, turns, and walks the other way..
Step 3. Put in oven at high temperture. Cook till the beginning for forth period.
Beginning of forth period comes around. I finally see him and I drag him to the side. Stuttering and nearly crying, I tell him that it's over, basically. He doesn't say anything; only sighs. I just sickly laughed, looking into his eyes that didn't even have the nerve to look back. "You're not taking me serious, are you?" He only nodded and let out a small, "yea". Again, there was silence. I shook my head, "I'm sorry that I cared about this a little more then you did. But there's nothing that I can do about that." With that I left. I haven't seen him since.
Final Step. Take out of oven, and throw it away since you burnt it to hell and back.
I know Adam's going to try to hide his feelings. So I guess I should hide my hurt too.
Cause if I've learned anything from Adam's mistakes; it's this..
Sometimes hiding your feelings and being ignorant to others is a bliss.
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| Saturday, September 27th, 2003
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7:56 am - Your smile makes it a little bit harder to forget you.
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Just woke up, it's Saturday. Supposivly, my plans are to go over to Heather's and watch Monty Python and spend the night. Her room is always way too hot, so I'm going to have to pack really light clothing. Heh.
School wasn't all it's greatest Friday. Josh and Felisha were going at it, Allison was being her usual self *which isn't a positive thing* I won't get into it. Cause I really don't know how to begin.
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| Tuesday, September 23rd, 2003
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6:03 pm - I would have rather gone with door number 2.
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Well, I woke up around 8 to get up and go to the doctor. Waited in the waiting area, and missed about all of 1st period before getting called into another waiting area. Missed half of 2nd until the nurse finally saw me. Made me take off all my jewelry and clothes and get into this gown.
After that she made me stand on this thing with a platform behind me. This huge camera thing, aimed at my stomach. She told me what I was going to take. These medicine pop rock things, a thick thick medicine liquid to see my stomach, and another one but a little thinner. So I had to take those medicine pop rocks first. Those weren't so bad. But the thick stuff I had to hold in my mouth, and then swallow..like...8 times, I about hurled. The same with the thinner. But I survived, got dressed, and mom took me out to Jimmy's to eat since it was lunch time at school anyway.
I made it there with about 30 minutes to spare for lunch. I found Tish, Justin and Chris so I hung out with them for awhile. We went to the very back of the school where barely anyone is. Chris and Justin were taking their books and hats and running out into this field, swatting at dragonflies. They're no Gracies, let's just say that.
The rest of the day went by fast. Of course, not at school again. Day number 11. Josh was funny as usual. He gives the best hugs *more like tackles*. I think in some weird way I'm starting to like him but he's going out with Felisha. Go figure, right? But oh well.
That's about it folks.
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| Monday, September 22nd, 2003
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4:12 pm - Survey time, kiddies!!!
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Survey
1. Starting Time: 4:12
2. Name/nicknames: Jordie.
3. Best Friends: Heather,Tish,Sara and of course, Toney.
4. Sexiest Friend: Anthony!
5. Funniest Friend: I have oodles of funny buddies.
7. Dumbest Friend: Sara. She's smart when it comes to school. But when it comes to desitions,psshaw.
8. Shyest Friend: Not many are shy. I would say...None.
9. Most boring person: I have no idea. Nathan *Not Purg..* in my guitar class. He talks and talks but all I hear is blah blah blah blah blah...
10. Who Do u Get Advice From: Definitely not any of my friends. lol.
11. Height: 5-7ish
12. DOB: November 17 88
14. Eye colour: BLOO
15. Shoe Size: 8
16. Shoe Brand: adidas,but wearing my reeves right now.
17. Do u Crack any Body Parts: finger joints, knuckles, neck sometimes
18. Pets: 3 dogs 1 cat
19. Hair Color: Brown/blonde/purple/red
20. E-mail: twc_riot@yahoo.com
21. Boy/Girl Friend: adam carrol
22. Crush: josh or anthony
23. Killed a Teacher: no, im pretty sure you go to jail for that
25. Laughed so hard u peed in your pants? nope..came close a few times.
26. Ate a Tub of Ice Cream: haha...it took time but yes.
27. Ran Into a Glass Door: OMG yea i was running from my neighbors dog and WAM right into the glass door.
28. Went into rotten.com: yeah, but nathan had to convince me for like 10 minutes just to open one of the pics.
29. Gone Skinny Dipping: haha i wish. lol. no i haven't.
30. Got hit by a car? came close. but i watched my bf get ran over. now THAT was funny.
31. Ran into a parked car: lol yeah.
******Girls Fill Out About Guys******
32. Boxers or Briefs: who cares? i want whats under them. lol jk. boxers.
33. Tall or short: short is cute but i perfer a little taller then myself.
34. Does size matter: nope. although i dont want to be pointing and saying, "aw, look. its so cute."
35. Six-pack or Muscular Arm: muscular arm sounds like he's lonely. so i'll say six-pack.
36. Body or Personality: personality, definitely.
37. Ear Pierced or not: doesn't matter but ear piercings are sexy. any piercings are, actually.
38. Sporty or Outdoorsy: haha neither. but if anything, outdoorsy. i like to go out in the middle of nowhere sometimes so he's got to be up to it too.
39. Good Guy or Bad Guy: bad guys aren't around often since they're always in trouble so i perfer a good guy with a bad attitude.
40. Light Hair/ Dark Hair: dark hair is sexy.
41. Hat or No Hat: beanie if he must wear a hat.
42. Tan or No Tan: doesnt matter.
>******Guys Fill Out on girls or girls on girls******
43. G or regular:
44. Tall or Short:
45. Long Hair or Short:
46. Dark or Light Eyes:
47. Light/Dark Hair:
48. Ears Pierced or Not:
49. Curly or Straight Hair:
50. Good Girl/Bad Girl:
51. Hair Up or Down:
52. Sporty or Classy:
53. Chicken or Not Afraid:
52. Body or Personality:
******Which One is Better******
54. Coke or Pepsi: coke.
55. KFC or McDonald™s: mcdonalds
56. Cats or Dogs: cats are sifisticated. dogs are loveable.
57. Coffee or Tea: coffee is great. espicually cold coffee drinks.
58. Sour or sweet? sweet n sowa sause. lol. sour and sweet are both good. but sour is funner.
59. Vanilla or chocolate? vanilla. no once again for the record, is not a racist statement.
60.cake or cookies? cookies.
61.day or night? night
62.lights on or off? off ;)
63.winter or summer? winter
*** favourties***
64. food: skettios
65. Animal: ravens and cows
66. Holiday: halloween
67. Fave quotes: "And your eyes must do some raining if you're ever going to grow"
70. Do you believe in god? not a christian one.
71. What do you want to be when you grow up? an adult.
72. Define True Love: i could write a book about "true love". basics;trust,love,commen interst,and fairy tales.
73. Where where you Born? panama city
74. Favourtie place to be kissed? hahahahaha. eh, i guess the lips and the neck.
75. Favourite day of the week: wednesday. stuff always happens wednesday.
76. the last person you received an email from? rob. i miss him. :(
77. Bedtime: when im tired
78. Who Is Least Likely To Send This Back: no one, its on my blurty
79. Satan or god or atheism: atheism
80. Ending time: 4:28
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4:03 pm - Push it out, fake a smile.
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Woo, just got home and feeling a little weird. Yeah, today was kind of slow and fast at the same time. Which was cool cause it was like the classes were fast but the breaks inbetween them were long. Felisha and Josh are together, which is really cute cause Felisha is adorable and Josh is very...well...he's Josh. He looks rather indian or something with long jet black hair and he's really tan. Yet he dresses a little on the punk/goth side. So yeah, I found that out today.
Allllllsooooo....I got knocked to the ground 2 times today by Josh running up and tackling me, or as he said, hugging me. Psshaw. And it was raining too. I think I looked rather attractive with a big wet spot on my butt and part of my leg in light colored jeans. The rain was fun today, I loved it. (Cause last time it rained I was wearing white..so I couldn't play in it.) Our little group was the only one standing outside and we all looked like matted, wet dogs. But who cares?
Yep, and you guessed it, he wasn't at school today. lol. I called Adam's grandma's house and she was all "He's not fuckin' here, okay?!" And I've only called once. So Stephaine and Laura had to go off and ruin it for me when I call. So I get yelled at by his phycotic grannie. Hmmm...Matt has a survey on his blurty. I'm gonna' do that. Later guys. <3
current mood:  hyper
current music: Bright Eyes- It's cool, we can still be friends.
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| Saturday, September 20th, 2003
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9:35 am - oh yeah, by the way..
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Toney, update your journal more often. I need things to read!!
Thankies if ya' do, I luff yooou
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9:20 am - "I think I'm cure..No, Infact I'm sure."
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woke up just a little while ago. thanks toney, what would i do without you? lol. i have an hour or so before my cousins come over so i thought i would update this. so yeah, that's going to be fun. my uncle called. he wants us to go up there and see him and if we dont hes coming down here and we're going to go out to eat. he really wants to have a relationship with my dad. i mean, thats hes older brother. so i hope we see him today, i dont want to feel bad or guilty because my parents have barely anything to do with them. but why should i feel guilty? sometimes other peoples mistakes can impact you too i suppose.
im still sick, unfortunatly. i want to go to the mall today. i'll probably make my mom drag us to the mall for the day.
oh, and i have good news. purg's not moving. so that means theres still a chance of having this band. i was happy about that.
hmm...i think im going to take a shower and perhaps pretty myself up for once. im in that mood. too bad no one would be here to enjoy that feeling of being ontop of the world and feeling refreshed. it's like we're not together, you know? i mean yeah, drop by once and awhile to say hi and to steal a kiss. but isn't a relationship more then that? i dont want to complain and make him sound bad, but when youre looking for a friendly face, it hurts when you're looking down at the pizza and it doesn't smile back. hell, i'm rambling. i need a hug. i just want someone to hold, and not worry about them wanting to let go.
yeah, i need a shower. wash some of this off my mind.
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| Friday, September 19th, 2003
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2:10 pm - your tounge in my mouth,trying to keep the words from coming out..
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I stayed home today. Sick, once again. I'm beginning to wonder what it was like to be fully healthy again. But oh well, maybe I'll become amune or immortal to this shit after so much.
Or maybe it'll kill me, hell, I don't care.
Nathan's moving back to Kentucky. That means I lost my singer. He was really cool too, really gonna' miss ya' man. <3 You better write and call me, or else..
I just heard that song, "A lover I don't have to love". I'm in love. Conor is just too much for me I tell you. How does he come up with these lyrics? So if I should suggest any song right now, it would be that one. It has a creepy piano in it. But, lordie, it's wonderful. lol.
Love's just an excuse to get hurt and hurt..
Do you like to hurt?
I do I do.
Then hurt me..then hurt me..then hurt me..
That's the coolest line in the song. Bright Eyes is amazing.
So anyway, I bet you Adam went to school today, the day I don't go. That would be my luck, huh? I'll just call his grandma's house tomorrow and see if he's down here yet. It's been a week. He better start going to school more often. Well I'm out.
Peace
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| Tuesday, September 16th, 2003
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10:07 pm - what once was there
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(¨`·.·´¨) * he use to smile/now he has no reason to
`·.¸ (¨`·.·´¨)* she use to laugh/but she lost it
* ` ·.¸.·´* when she lost him for good
it all came apart when they lost their love
they fell into peices, when push came to shove
they never saw it coming they had never even cared
because once they had it all now it isnt even there
she never tried to stop him, cause she couldnt find the words
he would have told her he was sorry, but he couldn't find the nerve
days had turned to weeks still nothings ever said
night would never leave them it was just another dark day
so they slowly drifted off they never said goodbye
only a memory to live on, secretly tucked inside...
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8:00 pm - ..But thinking back
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I feel smaller then ever today, so I'll make this small and possibly short.
Last night, I've never felt so drained in my life. My mom cancled all my plans for that night, answered calls for me and such because I wouldn't come out of my room for hours and when I did for a short amount of time my eyes were red and wet. she knew something was up so she just left my alone last night. I'm kind of glad she did.
Cause I'm more scared then I've ever been.
For a couple of weeks, I've been telling myself to let go. Just to try to move on, cause you finally got what you wanted Jordyn, you finally got him. But here, the whole time he was treating you bad, and lying to you, there was someone else. He was your best friend, no one ever was as nice to you as him and you wouldn't trade the world anything for that feeling. I'd never been so happy in my life. And when Adam moved down here, and we started dating, I really wanted this to work. So I tried to change things between that someone, I stopped saying I loved him, and I could never talk to him the same. I though, you know, maybe he'll see what's going on and perhaps pull away some. Either that, or I would have to. So I tried. I felt so uncomfortable. This wasn't the same. Heh...It brings me to tears just thinking about this. I thought this is what I wanted.
I thought I wanted him not to love me.
I saw him changing, I felt me changing, I watched us change. And I swear that was the hardest thing to do ever. I know after this I can never feel the same, because I've done too much to turn around, say I'm sorry, and move on. Because I did do it. I took all those words I said to him and tossed them right to Adam. That was selfish and I wasn't thinking about how he would feel. And I could kill myself for that.
And last night, I saw it falling apart right before my eyes. I didn't have the energy to try to catch the pieces and hand them back to him. I just watched it shatter, and all I could do was choke back tears and swallow that snowball in my throat. I was too nervous to say anything. I wanted to hurl. My stomach was hurting was then ever. And I couldn't tell him why, I didn't want to get into this. And I saw in his profile, that he put something in there that made me smile, no matter how much I thought I didn't want it. And when he quickly took it back..
I had got what I thought I wanted.
And that is the biggest mistake ever. That's when everything hit me. I tried changing screen names, I tried staying off, I wanted to get as far away as I could and not turn back. Because if I did I would only hurt him more.
And how can I not feel bad? that's like telling me not to breathe. When the emotions and thoughts seep through the covers of just trying to play it cool, it really hits. It's like not really seeping, it's more like throwing a brick at it. Because I finally realized how much of an ass I was being.
You know things have fallen when you wish you wouldn't have met them so you wouldn't have hurt them..
cause you think, you know, maybe they would have been better off without you even impacting them, wiether it was good or bad. Cause I knew this was going to happen. I knew eventually things were going to fall. I let my walls come down. I smiled and tried to feel alive
Like Dashboard Confessional's said, which I think they were implying to me...
I hope your as happy as you're pretending.
But, I don't think that someone is going to have to worry about this for awhile. I think I'm going to stay away from this as long as possible..I just don't think I can talk to him right now..it hurts too much to anymore..
I have never felt so selfish.
current mood:  crushed
current music: the ataris-in this diary
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7:08 pm - she always wore blue
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i don't feel like updating today.
so here it is...
nothing...
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| Friday, September 12th, 2003
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5:04 pm - The sharp hint of new tears
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I've never been so tired and drained. I got to school and Jon gave me some pills to take. Woa, like passed out in 1st period for 20 minutes and everytime I breathed in a swore that my insides were going to jump out of my skin. Totally messed me up for 2nd period. I saw Adam and he kind of got on to me about it, but nothing like he was mad or anything. After 2nd was lunch. Oh, that was a trip. I went and smoked, then came back into the cafeteria, not in a very good mood. And I was in no mood to be bothered by Sara so I tended to stick with Amanda and sat in the tables with the built in benches, like at the resturaunts, you know? So I sat there and Chris brough his guitar so we both played around for awhile. I was too tired to even play. So I just listened to him and talked to Amanda. Sara came over smelling like weed, as if she -wanted- us to know she was a bad, bad girl.
Attention *cough* Attention
In guitar I knew I wasn't going to last through that. So me and Ashley went into the practice rooms and 2nd lunch I ditched to go see Heather and Adam. That was great. Left my purse, sweater, and Edgar Allen Poe book there. I feel bad about ditching her with the two guitars in them. And I that was stupid leaving my purse cause it has my smokes in it. Dumb dumb me. But yeah, Adam was in the store as usual with the one girl I hate. I could tell she didn't want him to go outside to see me. Tough shit girl. Something about her bugs me; I don't think we'll ever get along. And I've never even said anything to her before. So anyway, this time he had my lap straddled and was plucking lint balls off my shirt. I hope he was having fun. But I didn't really care what he was doing at the time, I was just glad I was with him, right?
After that I got into 4th. That's when it hit me. All my bad mood just sunk in all at once. People knew I was in serious thought here. Ryan reaches over and taps my shoulder.
Ryan: "You're going out with that guy with the red/pink hair and gotee right?"
Me:
Ryan: "Well today when I was coming from gym 2nd period he was holding some girl's hand and she had braces and dressed in all black and I heard her say, "..What if your girlfriend finds out?"
Me:
He had to be joking right? He wouldn't cheat on me, espicually when I was at school the same day! Thanks Ryan, I'm glad you told me. I couldn't choke the tears back this time. I just raced out of the class, the bell hadn't rung yet so the teacher didn't care. I was going to be late, and that means the highest score on my test would be a 60. But at the time, with my eyes so blurry that I couldn't see the lines in the tile of the bathroom floor, I didn't care. Why me? Why did -I- have to be hurt again? It was all too good to be true. So I just sat in the bathroom for about 10 minutes, crying and leaning up against the wall with my head in my hands. This is why I shouldn't have worn make-up today. After cleaning myself up I walked to the office to go get a slip back to class.
I'm glad that that building is so far away. I needed to walk.
A couple of friends saw me, ask me what was wrong. How was I suppose to reply? I couldn't tell them without crying more. So I only attempted once, and after that the friend walking with me was the informer for curious passers. I get to the office, got my slip, and came back outside.
Great, Cindy saw me.
She asks what's wrong. She has 1st period gym with Adam so I thought, what the hell, I'll tell her. She awwed and gave me a hug.
Cindy: "Don't worry hun'. I see him all the time, he hangs with some of my friends. He's -not- cheating on you. He talks about you all the time, why would he do that? I don't think he is hun', he loves you."
Me:
Her "huns" bothered me. But I just smiled and nodded, making my way back to class.
I finished the test and read more on that book, speak. Her dark humor and sarcasim in the book made me clear my mind some. She had problems and so did I. But she had an old janitor closet she turned into her hide away.
Boy, I wish I had one of those.
The bell rung and I quickly walked outside, hoping to get by the many questions from curious people that saw me crying in class previously.
I needed to find Jon, he would definitely know if he was or wasn't and Jon would tell me. I told him what was going on and he just laughed. Thanks Jon, that fucking helps.
Jon: "He's not cheating on you, I swear. He loves you. He got asked out and he told the girl no way cause he has you. He's not and I would kill him if he did."
That made me smile. I had a few guys threaten Adam's life when they saw me crying. But I just shook my head, it wasn't neccossary. Jon saw Adam and I saw him to. But I just looked the other way, trying to hold back my tears. Obviously someone told him what I found out. He came up behind me and put his arm around me, saying "No." I just pulled away, not saying anything.
I heard him sigh, and I saw him shake his head, and turn to Jon. Marisa saved the day by coming up and I talked to her while Jon told him what I said. After we both had our conversations with each of our friends they kind of left us to talk.
Adam didn't have much to say at first. He just grabbed my face and made me look him in the eyes.
Adam: "I would never cheat on you and I never will. I left Jenny and I cheated on Jenny for you. And you probably think that I'll cheat on you since I did cheat on her, but that was because I love you. And out of all the broken promises and lies I've told you, I'll never lie to you about this."
Me:
He kissed me, then pecked my forehead, telling me he loved me over and over. I finally spoke, telling him that I didn't know what to do, and it scared me that he might cheat on me. Adam told me he wouldn't and said he loved me again, twirling his hand through my hair. I kissed him one more time before glancing at my bus.
Mom?
There was my mom standing by my bus. I told Adam I had to go and gave him a quick kiss before mom saw. (She doesn't know we're dating; she wouldn't want that yet). But she picked me up and we went out to it. I told her I really loved Adam. She just smiled and nodded.
I felt small today. I felt empty and drained.
I need a hug. I need to sleep.
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| Thursday, September 11th, 2003
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3:44 pm - On the way home, this car is my confessions.
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Today was, it was, too good to really have words for. I love school. I wish I could stay at it with Heather, Sara, Marisa, Jon, Josh, Chris, Amanda and espicually..Adam. Today was great for me. Adam was there and looking as good as ever. I haven't seen him smile and laugh so much today. I couldn't help but smile when I was around him. His eyes turning into little cresent moons with his nose wrinkled up, how cute.
At the store today he just sat in my lap, (i knew that was coming as soon as I made the choice to sit down) just holding onto me and talking. Heather was being her normal self. She was so adorable today. She had on this long skirt with her pink converses, a white button up shirt with a plaid tie. Her and Adam were at it as usual, calling each other names and doing their evil things to each other. It was funny though, I only stayed behind and watch, trying not to get in the way of Heather throwing sweet tarts at everyone (mostly Adam and me) like they were missles. So after I snuck off to second lunch to see Heather and Adam, we had a pep rally.
Woo hoo. Go Tornadoes. I think the cheerleaders score more then the football team, if you know what I mean.
I sat beside Adam. Sara was at my feet and Heather above me. Adam got quiet after a minute, watching the football players bust through the "Go Bay High Tornadoes" sign and the cheerleaders jumping up and down, forming a tunnel for the football players to run through. I was shock that he was so quiet. But I just sat beside him and didn't say anything, besides nudging him when some preps had each letter of the word "Tornadoes" written on the shirts, only they were the "Tonadoes". And we're an A school? Pssh.
I had my arms crossed and I was watching my feet. Adam just reached over without looking, grabbing my hand very lightly and just holding onto it. I couldn't help but smile. I glanced over at him a few times, and he was just watching the game, not saying a word but showing a millon of them all at the same time. After awhile I think he caught onto me looking at him and he turned, smiled, and mouthed the words, "I love you". I just mouthed it back, and since a teacher had got onto us 2 times for PDA, Adam just kissed his finger and then put it to my lips. It was cheesy, it was cute, it was ridiculous but it was the sweetest and most heart touching moment. There in the middle of the bleachers while the band played and cheerleaders cheered.
I've found the place I fear the most. And that place is anywhere without him. He is my life and I love him more then anyone I have before. Thanks Adam, you've put me through a lot but I would go through it all over again just to have what we have now. <3 [08.07.03-till the moon catches the sun]
current mood:  loved
current music: Dashboard Confessional- The Places that we fear the most
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