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Sunday, October 12th, 2008
8:31 am - It's hard to see with all this rain.
It's too early to be up right now, even for a Sunday. I was lucky to have gotten over four hours of sleep last night and I'm currently only two hours into my eight hour day. Alec stayed the night with me, as usual, last night and he's still crashed out in my room. Heh, it's funny to think how much things can change in just a few years. When I first started writing in this journal, I had a crush on Alec. My first, authentic High School crush. Now he's passed out in my bed. We've been together over nine months now and I couldn't be happier. Though it's been brought to my attention that our relationship over the past few months hasn't been as good as could be expected. Arguements are frequent and usually over really dumb things. Perhaps not spending one day away from each other since January 1st, 2008 has something to do with it. I love being around him and I know he feels the same about me but maybe we're just crawling up each other's backs too much.

I'm pretty sure that if we are both serious with this relationship, things should get better with ease. We get along fine for the most part. Spend tons of time together just laughing and talking about absolutely nothing. He sees this as a more serious situation than I do and I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. All I know is I want to work on it. I want him to be happy. He is, but not completely.

I've never loved someone so much in my life. I hate to feel as though things are hitting a rocky patch but I know better. It will pass and we'll be fine. It's just waiting for it to pass and working on it to help it out is the hard part.

Ugh, I really wish I was back in bed. I would just curl right back up against him and drift off to sleep the rest of the day away.

current mood: tired
lover i dont have to love
Sunday, October 5th, 2008
10:30 am - I'm baaaack!
I can't help myself.
I love this journal too much to let it go. Even after all these years I still come back periodically to scan over my first year in High School. Wow. That was *counts on fingers* five or six years ago.

So I'm going to start writing in this one again. I've missed it.

Too bad for you guys though, I really don't have much to say at the moment. Perhaps I'll sit down a little later on today and write something interesting on here. My brain is still half asleep considering it's 10:30A.M. and I only caught a couple of hours of some Zs.

Oh, Blurt. How I've missed you. :]

current mood: melancholy
current music: Metallica - The Day That Never Comes
lover i dont have to love
Monday, November 24th, 2003
4:03 am - I'll get so drunk that I pass out and forget your face by the time I wake up.
who is your best friend? Toney, Christence, Sara and Heather
who do you like? Like? Oh I like everyone besides a few selected people.
who is your mom? Giiiina.
who owns your house? Hopefully my mom and dad..?
who bought you the clothes your wearing? I bought the sweater! Christence gave me the pants.
who is at your house? Mom, dad, me, 3 dogs and 1 kitty.
who loves you? Hmm.. I've been told Toney lurvs me! ;) And the other thing at school, Adam, says he does but.. that's not as important!
who said hey to you today? Toney, Shaun, Christence, Jazzeh, Christina, and Stacie.
who are you talking to right now? Nobody :(
who was your ex-boy/girlfriend? Shaun. Adam's the current mess in my hands right now.

what town do you live in? Panama City
what are your pet peeves? skinny people saying they're fat, people who you don't like that know you don't like them and they follow you around, Randy's laugh is just enough to be considered a pet peeve.
what are you wearing? oo.. nothing ;) Nah, *from head to toe* My cross chocker, a wal-mart sweater I bought that's pink,red,grey, and black, some american eagel jeans. And then of course the undergarments. Happy?!
what do your teeth look like? What kind of question is this? Actually, they're really straight.
what are you doing in an hour? Probably still sitting here having no life..
what is your middle name? Alise.
what is your deepest secret? That I eat my friends!
what are you doing tomorrow? School, sit in class wishing I was talking to Toney, go home, sit here, hopefully talk to Toney, eat, sleep, you know... the usual.

where are you at right now? my room.
where were you at at 12 noon today? Waiting for Toney to get back. But he STILL isn't on.
where is your toothbrush at? In the little toothbrush holder thingie ma bob. :D
where do you sleep? In my bed..
where do you live? In da Cove.
where were you at at 7pm yesterday? Probably at my computer desk reading.
where is your boy/girl friend? Umm... LIKE I FRICKIN KNOW!! Why does everyone ask me this?!?! I haven't heard from him in a week and some odd days!! THERE!!
where is your parent? Dad's sleeping, mom's watching TV.
where did you put your bookbag? On the floor somewhere.
where do you keep your socks? Everywhere

when was your first kiss? At the boardwalk with this model kid name Jamie.
when are you getting a job? When I feel like it, biatch.
when did you graduate? Hopefully 2006.
when will you grow up? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
when are you going to call your friend? Not any time soon I know that.
when did you get home last night? like.. 5:30 PM
when are you going to stop taking surveys? When they cease to take up time and amuse me.
when was the last time you had a fruit smoothie? When I devoed one from Jamie.
when are you getting married? whenever the hell i get to Fort Myers :P lol

why are you weird? Because momma said I'm special :D
why are you wearing what you're wearing right now? because i'm too lazy to do laundry. so i'm wearing a new sweater and some old nasty jeans. lol.
why did you fail that test? Because HISTORY BLOWS--*censored*
why dont you have friends? They're just groupies. They all want this biatch but they can't touch dis wit a 10 foot pole, fo sho.
why cant you get a boy/girl friend? Are you saying I'm ugly?! You know, I CAN take this outside!! *sobs* ..Why can't I get a GOOD boyfriend..?
why do you live where you're at? Because God put me here. *....*

how did you know it was love? Instinct.
how do you fix your hair? Oh, it's still broken.
how are the kids? The kids are great!... You want one?
how many hours do you spend on the computer? More then I should. I have no life.
how many TV shows do you watch? I don't frickin know, maan.
how did you find this survey? Stole it from my love, Jazzeh :D
how do you like it so far? Taken better
how many people are living with you? 2
how may i help you? Yes I would like a quarter pounder with cheese...no onions or pickles... and a apple pie.
how many sharpies do you own? 129283030921!!!!!
how often do you say i love you? When I talk to Toney, I say it like 3293 times a day. And with Adam, whenever he says it to me... but I'm not getting into that.. And I tell Shaun I lurve him.. Forget it I tell everyone!! But being -really- serious and down-to-earth about it... Really just Toney.
1 lover| lover i dont have to love
Sunday, November 23rd, 2003
8:49 pm - JENKIES!!!
I got rid of my Bats!!!!!!

:\ wankaaarrg
lover i dont have to love
8:28 pm - I hope that we will make it through~
this is the tom green show.
its not the green tom show.
this is my fav-o-rite show.
because it is my show.

i accidently had two of the same post. im fixing the problem.

current mood: chipper
current music: hahaha chipper
lover i dont have to love
8:28 pm - Lesson of the day: History books are educational and yet can double as a weapon.
Alright, Feeling a tad spunky this morning. lol. Which is a good thing.

Some of it's because I found Reese's in the freezer.

And a little because I actually slept alright after 4 am.

But mostly cause of Toney!

Yeah, blah blah blah Toney this Toney that. Screw you guys, it's my journal dammit. lol. But anwyays, back to the important stuff.

Yesterday I started getting really down (for no apparent reason) so I decided just to sleep it off, perhaps I'll feel better in the morning. Well the lovely, "I gotta use the bathroom NOW" wake up call at ridiculous hours of the morning hit me so I got up and took care of that and then decided to check my email. Got an email from Toney and that made me feel a hell of a lot better.

Last night I felt really.. neglicted. It sounds selfish and perhaps self-absorbant but I did. I was in a very emotional mood last night I guess. I suppose everyone has those feelings once in awhile.

Well, I think I'm going to go be a little nerd and find something to read. I need to extend this pathetic vocabulary of mine somehow. (coughtowritelikeconoroberstcough) Eh, but like Christence said. "I think the only people who can write like Conor Oberst and Geoff Rickley is Conor Oberst and Geoff Rickley." I can dream though, right? Right.



current mood: bouncy
current music: Thursday- This side of brightness
1 lover| lover i dont have to love
Thursday, November 20th, 2003
8:30 am - ..And I know that you meant it! <3
Wanna hear something new for a change? I'm FUCKING HAPPY AS HELL!!

I know shocking, don't all freak out on me at once.

But I don't think I've been this happy in awhile. I like... I don't know... Wanna do something about it. Dance, sing, write, or something. But I'll just put it down on here.

Today was actually pretty cruddy. So I stuck a lot to Felicia today and we hung out in the library like the geeks we are.

Then I had a poetry meeting but mom called in and told me I couldn't go, kind of mad about that. Seeing as how I really wanted to go.

So I get home and what not and she's hinting at me that Toney's package came in, but wouldn't give me the damn thing!! So she made me play that, "Hot or Cold" game until I came up on it. Only cause I was being mean when I came in.

The gift was one of a kind, I can say that. :P But the ones from the heart are the greatest of them all, ya know? Who needs fancy gifts when you get cool stuff that had thought put into them besides more money? I loved the gift(s)! Made my birthday a hell of a lot better (which I needed!) So I'm a happy camper! <3 <3 <3 <3

I really love him. He's one of my best friends and I don't know what I'd do without him!!

Well, I really don't have enough time to sit here and write about I'd really like to all say about him, but he's great.. truely frickin' amazing.


when it comes to true feelings, the heart sees past the distance and finds the closeness in the love

current mood: touched
current music: Midnight Mourning- The mourning after
lover i dont have to love
Sunday, November 16th, 2003
7:04 pm - I have the gayest blurty name in the world.
Yeah, I do. What wrist was a slitting then? Not mine, but obviously I was aiming towards a label like that.


I'm worried all the time now. I don't hear anything from someone, and I get worried. The pit of my stomach tells me somethings up but I'll just try not to think about that. I've said stupid things in the past, and I'm just afraid it's going to hurt me in the future.

Worried worried worried...

Maybe I should get a life and not worry about whether I haven't heard from someone in a few days.

But man, it bothers me so bad.

But anyways.. I'm going to try not to worry about this.

I wrote a song I might tab out and put on here sometime soon.

Who am I kidding? I can't think straight. Later.
lover i dont have to love
9:44 am - Nothing gets crossed out.
The future has got me worried, such awful thoughts.
My head is a carousel of pictures. The spinning never stops.
I just want someone to walk in front and I'll follow the leader.
Like when I fell under the weight of a schoolboy crush.
I started carrying her books and doing lots of drugs.
I almost forgot who I was but came to my senses.
Now I try to be assertive.
I'm making plans.
I want to rise to the occasion, yeah, meet all their demands.
But all I do is just lay in bed and hide under the covers.
I know I should be brave but I'm just too afraid of all this change...

current mood: crushed
current music: Bright Eyes- Nothing gets crossed out
lover i dont have to love
Saturday, November 15th, 2003
7:18 pm - ..I'd scream this song right in your face if you were here. I swear I won't miss a beat..
I feel sick. Once again, I feel small.

My stomachs swirling with suspicions and worries. I need to puke it out, but yet I keep swallowing it into the back of my throat. There's no possable way I could enjoy how I'm feeling right now. Your head filling with thoughts you don't want to think so you try and close your eyes..

..If you can't see them.. they can't see you.

And you sit in your plastic chair here, and write down how you feel. And perhaps put on some sad music so you can flush it out of your system. Sometimes it's better to cry.

But god dammit you can't let them see you cry.

I'm clueless, perhaps over obsessed.

But I'm not going through another heartbreak. Hell no, I can't indure such measures just for love.

But look what I'm doing, I'm still standing in cement with a hand over my heart, pledging not to do what I'm preaching.

I'm falling in love quicker then I can catch myself.

But but but but but but....

There's no excuses.. there's none to hide you from the mistakes that will soon swallow you whole.
lover i dont have to love
Thursday, November 13th, 2003
4:38 am - Are you in or are you out?
Alright, today was awesome. We shouldn't be allowed to have a holiday in the middle of the week. It feels like a new start which only teases me seeing my birthday is next week. This weekend is going to rock though. <3 Me and Adam are going to head off to the movies for my birthday and hopefully I can be able to go other places with him. My mom still has her panties in a bunch about him. Oh well, what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

Anyways, I went to the poetry meeting today. Totally awesome even though I didn't bring any poetry today. So I just wrote a quick one in class and read it. Mr.Whitehurst always acts like he isn't too impressed. He always does that small smile in the corner of his mouth with a nod. That bothers me since I'm kind of nervous about my own writing. But I know he likes most of what he reads, he just isn't too good at showing it.

I talked to Adam more then usual, which is good. I always feel uncomfortable about having a regular conversation around him since I don't know what to say, you know? But I think I'm kinda breaking the ice being more calm and myself around him. Although it's kind of hard to be calm and yourself around your boyfriend when he walks around with a tampon in his beanie and a hole the size of texas in his pants, showing his boxers. But, I guess that's why I love him so much. Rebilious little freak <3.

I hide a world of dreams deep in you, you're just not aware of the wonders inside you yet.
1 lover| lover i dont have to love
Monday, November 3rd, 2003
5:30 am - As far as he sees nothing's left in the cup.
Okay, I'm pretty happy right now.

I got some awesome jewelry that looks like it's from the 80s or 50s.

And this 2 dollar AWESOME bracelet with British charms all over it, including, "God Save The Queen".

So that's pretty cool.

Anyways, My birthday is soon.. I'm contiplating on what I should get. These are the options,

(1) Get a Washburn Guitar.
(2) Go hunting at Goodwill and Dollar stores for thrift items.
(3) Catalog shop for clothes.
(4) Since it's so close, save until Christmas.

But that's hard for me. If I have money I -must- spend it. I'm horrible. But there's my choices.

My uncle is kind of mad at me. Because, well, he's enyous. I'm better at him at guitar in some ways. The only reason why is I have many styles of playing guitar--he sticks to one. So in this case, he wouldn't let me play his new guitar for long. lol.

So that's about it for today. I was really getting pissed off at my computer so I decided to write in this and kind of chill me off and what not.

I love you guys, be good.
1 lover| lover i dont have to love
Friday, October 31st, 2003
4:15 am - Sleeping Beauty
"So, I need something to cure me of insomia."


"Anything to make me sleep, just long enough to dream."

Sleeping Pills?

"I'm not risking choking, swallowing sleep won't help."

So, what do you think you should do?

"Just kiss me... kiss me to sleep."

I got bored and thought of that. Cause this morning I kissed Adam and he just lays his head on my shoulder. I'm just like, "What's wrong with you? Are you tired or something?" And he tells me that when I kiss him he gets tired and all weak at the knees and stuff and he hasn't had that with anyone else.

Haha, that's cute. Made me feel better for some reason.

So anyway, I'm going to be kick ass tomorrow. I'm wearing a long skirt with knee high boots.. a white button up shirt and a bondage choken with a leash. Fuuun.

So yeah, I can't think of much today. I love you all <3

~Cry Baby
1 lover| lover i dont have to love
Tuesday, October 28th, 2003
3:56 am - Do you even notice that I'm gone?
Okay kiddies, I NEVER update anymore but I have weird stuff going on so I guess that I don't have time to sit here and let the cyber world now about my life. There's like a splinter is my finger and it hurts like hell typing but I'll live.

Anyways, Me and Felicia are married. :P It's great. She had this -awesome- dress on today omg I LOVE it. Rawr.

But yeah, Adam and me were obviously really touchie today. Just couldn't let go of each other's hand and kissing. I was freezing and he offered me his jacket. It was sweet, but I declined. Even though we definitely have our differences, I really love him. :''\

You can't take him from me.

Two years... I've begged and I've affaired.

And I don't need you to take him.

It wouldn't be good;

For your health.

To: Maggie

Love Always: Adam's GIRLFRIEND.

My heritage is Southern. If I knew niggers were going to be so much trouble, I would have picked my own damn cotton!
1 lover| lover i dont have to love
Friday, October 24th, 2003
9:27 am - I need help.
I haven't wrote in here for awhile so I thought I would drop in and leave a line or two.

One big important thing.

I need help--more then anything right now.

I'm getting hooked on stuff I shouldn't even be worrying about. You know, the whole time I've sat here and told myself, "I'm not addicted to drugs." Well, first step, admitting it. I am. I can't go two days without craving a cigarette.. or maybe weed. And it's just getting worse. I'm getting heavier on it and I don't want it to get to the point where that's all I want.

And to think.. a year ago I hated everyone who did drugs.

So much for that.

I'm going to loose a lot of people admitting this. And I'm going to loose a hell of a lot of respect. I tried telling my mom perhaps I was addicted. She doesn't believe I am. Then again, she doesn't know exactly how long I've been smoking.

I just don't want to loose some people... but I really can't go cold turkey. I thought I could but I can't.

The only thing I'm worried about is, no, not myself. Me loosing people. But if it comes to where they have to just step away from me because of my problems..

Then go ahead.

Yeah, I can get mad and say that you're not helping me at all. But it's not your problem, so why should you deal with me? Exactly.

Cause I would probably leave too.

I wouldn't want to know someone that ends up ODing.. or being close to them. That's too much of a cut to let heal properly.

It runs in the family and it's finally hit me. Thanks. I'm not going to turn into a nothing.

But god, I'm slipping.. heh.. Hell, I'm fucking falling.

I'm just scared. Perhaps over-reacting. But when you crave something all the time--I don't think that's over-reacting..

is it?
lover i dont have to love
Monday, October 20th, 2003
5:15 pm - blah.
I hurt: the ones i love.
I love: the ones that have made me who i am today.
I hate: it when i don't know when to shut my mouth.
I cry: when i let my mind stray to the places where it shouldn't go.
I fear: too many things.
I hope: to live unashamedly and be content with what i have.
I sadden: when i think of lost chances.
I feel alone: even when i'm not.
I kill: the urge to run into heavy traffic.
I talk: when i feel so inclined.
I listen: when i am spoken to. (sometimes)
I break: in your pain.
I see: insecurities.
I smell: cigarettes.
I taste: your words.
I work: sporadically.
I remember: you.
I hold: onto the past.
I hide: my face.
I pray: not so often anymore.
I walk: not knowing where the next step will take me.
I drive: people away. [sometimes]
I read: that look in your eyes.
I burn: to know what love is.
I breathe: whenever i'm alive.
I play: with the notion of eternity.
I miss: the sound of your voice and the comfort of your smile.
I touch: but don't look.
I learn: from others' mistakes.
I feel: pretty damn uncertain.
I know: very little.
I said: don't let go.
I dream: the impossible.
I have: all that i need.
I want: you to know that i miss you.
I fall: over things thrown in my path.
I wait: for answers that never come.
I need: you tell me that it will be alright.
I live: for the possible outcome.
I die: everytime i wake.

this isn't my results.. these are somebody else's. but god, they're everything i feel right now.
lover i dont have to love
Wednesday, October 15th, 2003
2:21 pm - That I'll never let you hold me back
I think I know what I wanted to talk about now.

So things are pretty much settled between me and Toney..

Or, yeah, I think so.

I'm still mixed up a little. Because.. even though so much stress is off now that I'm talking to him and all. Somehow in many ways, I'm still angry. Well, let's rephrase that. I'm not angry, actually I'm frustrated. Because like I said, I had no idea what was going on. So of course, it's going to be a while before I can really get over that, but I'm not going to really hold it against him or anything.

Yeah... that's going to take awhile to soak in.

But, on the bright side, things are fitting back together. Like Taking Back Sunday said, "I stay wreckless-jealous in my mind, for this one simple reason: I picture you as something larger then life." Cause that's kind of how I felt. I was on the verge of just dropping it all and walking away from it. But, I had to keep in mind, this was pracitally my best friend. And you can't just drop and walk away from your best friend now can you?

It's still complicated to understand or explain.

So I'll drop it.

A thousand clever lines read on clever napkins
lover i dont have to love
2:05 pm - A touch of humility, an original sin or two.. from you.
Man man man... I need more to do, you know? I'm going to be gone after today. I'm going Thursday and Friday camping with Christence and Terrah, which should be pretty fun. Since me and Christence always end up going crazy.

Anyways... I want to tell you guys a lot of what happened today.

But I'm not in the mood for it... not right now.

Not upset or anything.

Just not in the mood to type it all up.

lover i dont have to love
Monday, October 13th, 2003
3:36 pm - Haha, you guys are crazy.
Yeah, today was flippin' awesome for the most part. I love happy entries. I love school. Cause I don't sit here at the house and let my mind rot. Adam was there. I was picking on him about falling and he said he was dropping out if he does I was like


So he better not or no nookie for him. Haha. I'm a loser. I've been like all... sexual lately and I DON'T KNOW WHY!!! It's just... hormones. I'm going out of my mind. I've been having sex and drugs on the mind and that's no good. But I guess it's because being so touchie with everyone has just got everything running in circles and I can't settle myself down now. Yeah, I've been making a lot of jokes about me being Bi. I think it's pretty obvious that in some ways I can be. It's not like I'm actually -dating- girls, just like.. messing around. Like Felisha. We say we go out cause my boyfriend never comes to school. So it's really a joke. Then more people take it seriously. Like Chris!! Omg he's like getting all excited by it and all. But it's all funny. Adam thinks it's great. lmao. Go figure, right? Chris and Adam are dating behind my back. Fuckers. Haha. We can have a foresome, it's all good.

Oh man, I need to settle down.

Anyways, I HATE NIGGERS. Fucking niggers, I'm sick of them saying I'm goth and shit. And today Adam was bitching about Wiggers. SO NIGGERS AND WIGGERS CAN FUCK OFF. Damn, racisim is catchy... like a cold. Hahaha... woo I'm messed up right now... I need like... to walk around and just chill.

I'm a mutha fuckin p-i-m-p. 8 hoes and couting.

although i'm like... 5 people's hoe but HEY what comes around goes around, right?? lol.

I'm sorry. I'm fucked up right now. I love you guys and gals be good!!

current mood: horny
current music: Smile Empty Soul- With this knife
lover i dont have to love
Sunday, October 12th, 2003
8:57 am - im b to the ored.

okay, i'm like seriously bored. and there is a picture of rob for you. you should check out his band "midnight mourning" (find them on mp3.com) theyre fluckin awesome. but yeah... anyways...

i did the stuuuuupidest thing last night. i was so embarrassed yet i was laughing my ass off. alright, well there isnt much to talk about at 9 in the morning. you guys stay good.
lover i dont have to love

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