| :: Neat Little Nosey Questionaire :: |
[02 Oct 2003|11:18am] |
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mood |
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sick |
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music |
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The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows - Brand New |
] |
:x: name = Call me Black Eraser
:x: piercings = Bellybutton; six on my ears.
:x: tattoos = No. I am getting one in about a month.
:x: height = 5'9"
:x: shoe size = 9
:x: hair color = dirty blond with dark brown and light blond highlights
:x: siblings = Two.
LAST...
:x: movie you rented = Momento.
:x: movie you bought = Army Of Darkness
:x: song you listened to = I Will Play My Game Under The Spin Light - Brand New
:x: song that was stuck in your head = See above.
:x: cd you bought = Soundtrack to Underworld.
:x: cd you listened to = Brand New. Deja Entendu.
:x: person you've called = N.
:x: person that's called you = A.
:x: tv show you've watched = How to live like a rockstar on MTV.
:x: person you were thinking of = N.
:x: person you had a crush = A boy at the deli downtown.
:x: you wish you could live somewhere else = Always.
:x: you think about suicide = We all do.
:x: you believe in online dating = No.
:x: others find you attractive = Yes.
:x: you want more piercings = Yes.
:x: you drink = Mountain Dew. -wink-
:x: you do drugs/smoke = No.
:x: you like cleaning = Yes.
:x: you like roller coasters = No.
:x: you write in cursive or print = Both. Curprint. But also calligraphy.
FOR OR AGAINST...
:x: long distance relationships = Against.
:x: using someone = Against.
:x: suicide = Against.
:x: killing people = Against.
:x: teenage smoking = Against.
:x: doing drugs = Against.
:x: driving drunk = Against.
:x: gay/lesbian relationships = For.
:x: soap operas = -shakes head-
FAVORITE...
:x: food = Italian.
:x: song = Let Her Cry - Hootie And The Blowfish
:x: thing to do = Write.
:x: thing to talk about = Philosophy. I love intelligent conversations.
:x: sport = Baseball.
:x: drinks = Mountain Dew. Lemonade. And flat diet coke.
:x: clothes = Ooh. Everything from black leather jackets with nice shirts and dress pants to tight low hip hugging jeans and skinny tank tops.
:x: movies = Too many to name.
:x: band/singer = AFI; Brand New; Evanescence; so mannnnyyy
:x: holiday = Halloween. Hands down.
:x: cars = Volkswagon VW Bug Convertable
HAVE YOU...
:x: ever cried over a girl = Yes.
:x: ever cried over a boy = Yes.
:x: ever lied to someone = Yes.
:x: ever been in a fist fight = Yes.
:x: ever been arrested = No.
WHAT...
:x: shampoo do you use = Herbal Essences Fruit Fusions Rose
:x: shoes do you wear = Sandals in the summer; black boots; and my favorite tan semi-dressy shoes.
:x: are you scared of = Dying alone; the Absolute Truth.
NUMBER...
:x: of times I have been in love? = 3.
:x: of times I have had my heart broken? = 2.
:x: of hearts I have broken? = 9 or 10?
:x: of girls I have kissed? = 2. But I was little and didn't know what I was doing.
:x: of boys I have kissed? = 2. Takes a lot for me to kiss someone.
:x: of girls I've slept with? = Depends on if you mean sex or not. I haven't slept with a girl sexually but I have slept in the same bed with a bunch of my old friends when they stayed the night.
:x: of boys I've slept with? = See above. BUT only three boys have slept with me in my bed.
:x: of drugs taken illegally? = None. Zero. Nadda.
:x: of people I would classify as true/trust with my life type friends? = One.
:x: of people I consider my enemies? = Too many.
:x: of times your name has been in the newspaper? = Three.
:x: of scars on my body? = Dozens.
:x: of things in my past that I regret? = Two.
:x: disney movie = The Little Mermaid. Or Sleeping Beauty.
:x: word = Hah.
:x: nickname = ophelia; black eraser; pooh; baby girl; silly bear
:x: guy name = Anton Lee. Landon.
:x: girl name = Aurora Rain.
;x: favorite eye color = Bright blue. Or dark brown.
:x: flower = Roses. Because they have thorns.
:x: piercing = Bellybutton.
:x: actor = None.
:x: actress = None.
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...
:x: pretty - Yes.
:x: funny - Sometimes.
:x: hot - No but I have others who would gladly disagree with that.
:x: friendly - Always.
:x: amusing - Yes.
:x: ugly - No.
:x: loveable - No. Don't love me. You'll have your heart ripped out.
:x: caring - Sometimes too much.
:x: dorky - Yes.
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| :: When The Glitter Fades :: |
[01 Oct 2003|04:08pm] |
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mood |
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complacent |
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music |
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Play Crack The Sky - Brand New |
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I spoke the words but never gave a thought of what they all could mean.
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| :: Dream Of Chase :: |
[01 Oct 2003|11:20am] |
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mood |
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morose |
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music |
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The Disco King - David Bowie |
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Dreamt last night that I was staying in a hotel room with a bunch of people I went to school with. For some reason, Mrs. Barreyessa was there and she wanted us all to do a dance number. If even just one of us messed up, she would make do something. (I cannot remember what.)
When we learned the routine. It was strange. First we had to do a very fast foot movement for four counts. We had to put our right arm first, then left. Then swing our right hand over our head to a punching throw. After we had an eight count of spinning in circles. Then a few twists and leaps before the finish.
I remember it all but when Mrs. Barreyessa made me get out in front of everyone by myself, I choked. She told me I had lost the game and I was furious.
She had done it on purpose. She knew I couldn't dance in front of everyone just myself. Yet, she did it anyways.
I ran out of the hotel room to the elevator and then to an upstairs office that I kept dodging in and out of cubicles and rooms. The rooms were so strange. I can't explain them, they were just akward.
I remember climbing up these stairs to a top floor when a man told me I needed to turn back around because they were looking for me.
I did and as I did, a blind man sitting at a table near the edge of the stairs saw me slide and almost fly off the staircase. He told me, "Oh, don't worry darling. You're not that close yet."
I picked myself back up and ran to the hotel room again knowing they weren't there anymore. I began to throw my belongings in my bags when suddenly a red haired girl came up from behind me.
"Why are you leaving?" She said to me. After that, all I can remember before waking up was telling her I was through and that to put me on display was unjustified and un-called for.
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| :: Fill Out My Questionaire Sweet Thing :: |
[30 Sep 2003|09:58pm] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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music |
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Silence |
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FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND...
I WANT: stability.
I HAVE: memories.
I REGRET: many promises.
I WISH: for conclusions.
I MISS: my grandmother.
I FEAR: very few things.
I HEAR: deafening silence.
I SEARCH FOR: truth and easing to my cravings in life.
LAST TIME YOU...
SMILED?: An hour ago.
CRIED: 2 weeks ago.
BOUGHT SOMETHING: Sunday.
HAD A DREAM?: Thursday.
LAST THING YOU READ: Lyrics to the soundtrack of Underworld.
LAST MOVIE YOU SAW ON THE BIG SCREEN: Once Upon A Time In Mexico
LAST PHONE NUMBER YOU CALLED: N's.
LAST SONG YOU HEARD: REV 22:20 - Puscifer
LAST THING YOU ATE: Pizza.
DO YOU...
SMOKE?: No.
DO DRUGS?: No.
HAVE A CRUSH: No.
BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND: Yes.
HAVE A DREAM THAT KEEPS COMING BACK?: Yes.
ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH THEM?: Yes.
HAVE YOU ANY GAY, BISEXUAL OR LESBIAN FRIENDS?: Yes.
BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?: Not entirely.
BELIEVE IT'S POSSIBLE TO REMAIN FAITHFUL FOREVER?: Yes.
LIKE THE TASTE OF ALCOHOL: Depends.
BELIEVE IN ALLAH: Hah.
HAVE ANY SECRETS?: Yes. Many.
HAVE ANY PETS?: Yes.
GO TO OR PLAN TO GO TO UNIVERSITY?: Yes.
HAVE ANY BAD HABITS: Of course.
PIERCINGS: 7.
HAVE ANY TATTOOS?: No.
HAVE A BEST FRIEND?: No.
HATE ANYBODY?: Yes.
CARE ABOUT LOOKS?: Yes and if anyone says no to this they are lying.
TRUST OTHERS EASILY: Not at all.
LIKE SARCASM: No. -rolls her eyes-
TAKE WALKS IN THE RAIN: Yes.
SING IN THE SHOWER: More like humming.
HAVE ANY SCARS: Yes.
That was interesting. And fun since I'm completely bored out of my mind right now. :: goes to find more forms to fill out ::
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| :: Breathe No More :: |
[30 Sep 2003|10:53am] |
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mood |
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calm |
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music |
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Breathe No More - Evanescence |
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I've been looking in the mirror for so long.
That I've come to believe my souls on the other side.
Oh the little pieces falling, shatter.
Shards of me,
To sharp to put back together.
To small to matter,
But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces.
If I try to touch her,
And I bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe no more.
Take a breath and I try to draw from my spirits well.
Yet again you refuse to drink like a stubborn child.
Lie to me,
Convince me that I've been sick forever.
And all of this,
Will make sense when I get better.
I know the difference,
Between myself and my reflection.
I just can't help but to wonder,
Which of us do you love.
So I bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe now...
Bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe,
I breathe-
I breathe no more.
Evanscence.
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| :: Sometimes It's Harder To Breathe Like This :: |
[29 Sep 2003|01:25pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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music |
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Trucks on the highway outside. |
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Sometimes. Just sometimes. It's harder to breathe without the water. Without the drowning I am so used to.
I watch my family inch their lives away piece by piece. I try so hard to tell them that it isn't worth it. I get nothing in return.
Forsaken last child. "You are melting butter on the bread and no one cares."
Watch me laugh at that. And then cry alone in my bedroom.
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| :: Judith :: |
[29 Sep 2003|09:31am] |
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mood |
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aggravated |
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music |
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Judith - Perfect Circle |
] |
You're such an inspiration for ways
That i will never ever choose to be.
Oh so many ways for me to show you
How your savior has abandoned you.
Thank(fuck) your god.
Your lord, your christ
He did this,
Took all you had
And left you this way.
Still you pray, never stray,
Never taste of the fruit.
Never thought to question why.
It's not like you killed someone.
It's not like you drove a hateful spear into his side.
Praise the one who left you
Broken down and paralyzed.
He did it all for you.
He did it all for you.
Oh so many ways for me to show you
How your dogma has abandoned you.
Pray to your christ, to your god.
Never taste of the fruit,
Never stray, never break,
Never choke on a lie,
Even though he's the one who did this to you
Never thought to question why.
It's not like you killed someone.
It's not like you drove a spiteful spear into his side.
Talk to jesus christ as if he knows the reasons why
He did this all to you.
He did it all for you.
He did it all for you.
Perfect Circle
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| :: Time To Take A Scar And Split It New :: |
[29 Sep 2003|09:25am] |
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mood |
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aggravated |
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music |
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REV 22:20 - Puscifer |
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He wants to talk of demons. He wants to speak of angels. And I have no strength for it.
I don't want to talk of it. I don't want you to know that I see things. I don't want you to know I am still bleeding.
I've got bandages. But why are they leaking?
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| :: When You See Me, Don't Laugh :: |
[29 Sep 2003|09:07am] |
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mood |
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awake |
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music |
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The Red - Chevelle |
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I am a weak creature. I can't let them go. I have to have their words fill my head. I long for my companions. And yet I shove them away.
I need a breath to let me know I am real. I need a touch to let me know I can still feel. I am so afraid I've become so numb I'm not real anymore.
Like pretty pictures I am tattered. I wish to be free. Thrown into the wind. But no one is grabbing me as the pieces fall and blend in with the flowers below.
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| :: The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot :: |
[29 Sep 2003|12:56am] |
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mood |
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blank |
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music |
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The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot - Brand New |
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If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand. I hope you find out what you want. I already know what I am. And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again. And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am. I'll grow old and start acting my age. I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate. A crown of gold. A heart that's harder than stone. And it hurts a whole lot, but it's missed when it's gone.
Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.
If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of the state. You can keep to yourself. I'll keep out of your way. And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down. Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out. It's cold as a tomb, and it's dark in your room, when I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds. So call it quits or get a grip. Say you wanted a solution. You just wanted to be missed.
Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.
You are calm and reposed. Let your beauty unfold. Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones. Spring keeps you ever close. You are second hand smoke. You are so fragile and thin. Standing trial for your sins. Holding onto yourself the best you can. You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins.
Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.
Brand New
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| :: "Indian Giver" Is What She Called Me :: |
[29 Sep 2003|12:45am] |
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mood |
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blank |
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music |
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Awakening - The Damning Well |
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It never hit me until now. The emptiness. I've gone weeks without so much of a thought. Now I am alone again. Watching the world outside my window. Pieces of you are flying by. My hand is reaching out this window still. Wanting to touch you as we both know it's impossible. (to catch the impossible you must be impossible) I'll make it alright. I'll make it okay. Just trust me. I'll make it tolerable for your pretty eyes to see.
I want to be spiteful. Spit in your face. But instead I am broken and I want to give you my heart back. No returns after I'm worn. Where am I to go without exchanges?
Watch me paint the sky a beautiful gold. I don't want my secrets to be told. So tie them up around your neck. Jump from the bridge. I'll be the wings to give you such flight. And you'll wonder where we'll end up next and where we might be. I promise my life if tonight you'll just hold me.
Damn little child. You have to feel remorse. Tired of feeling like I'm programmed. Comfort in the difficult things that are a rarity. Watch me bleed upon this page. You may just find it humorous. Laugh, I don't mind. I'll be a string and you be my puppeteer. I'll make you smile. I'll make you grin. But most of all, I will act out all your greatest fears.
I want to be spiteful. Spit in your face. But instead I am broken and I want to give you my heart back. No returns after I'm worn. Where am I to go without exchanges?
Alone in the waking. Shadows upon the wall. I'm helplessly searching for something to grasp onto. There is nothing. We are nothing. Suddenly endless with numerous accounts of blood stains on the wall. I see how vile the world can be when I am trapped behind the hour glass. Time running out quickly. There is no need to stop. I won't bite my tongue. Thoughts are free. And now trapped under your feet.
I want to be spiteful. Spit in your face. But instead I am broken and I want to give you my heart back. No returns after I'm worn. Where am I to go without exchanges?
Copyright.
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| :: Uh - Huh And More Along The Way :: |
[29 Sep 2003|12:33am] |
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mood |
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blank |
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music |
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All Of This Past - Sarah Bettens |
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I'm begging the one who broke down with me in paradise to come give me the keys. Don't want to wake up here. It isn't the right place to be. Took all the strength I had and bled it through my hands. I watched it pour and still didn't realize. I'm so naive sometimes.
Hopefully one day you'll see how your God abandoned you. Sorry for the truth. You'd give gold for another chance at rolling your dice. Don't question me on why. Now, get on your knees and beg to return to paradise.
Thank to you to the disbeliever who held out his hand in hopes of change. He doesn't see it in your eyes. You're a malice type of sin. And I begin to inch my way into your skin.
Hopefully one day you'll see how your God abandoned you. Sorry for the truth. You'd give gold for another chance at rolling your dice. Don't question me on why. Now, get on your knees and beg to return to paradise.
I'm never going to choose to be the one to disown you first. You've already left your things. And I miss nothing you used to bleed upon. Now wash the keys and find the door.
You've waited much too long.
Paradise waits on the other side. But what will you see when you finally get inside?
Copyright.
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| :: Angels In The Mirror :: |
[29 Sep 2003|12:14am] |
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mood |
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blank |
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music |
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Judith - Perfect Circle |
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I won't ever speak of him again. Don't come to me and ask if I am alright. Don't ask me if I am broken and beaten. Nothing can hurt me now.
I am immune because I am numb.
And I want to convince myself that I never knew him. That we never existed. That I never believed.
That I never second glanced.
I want to pretend that I never understood.
Take this as you would if it were a suicide note. Don't question it. Let it be as it is.
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