I HATE MY LIFE   
02:40pm 08/12/2003
 
mood: depressed
Last nite I found out Dan had a party with all my friends there on Sat Nite, well guess who wasn't invited.....ME! I'm so fucking pissed about it. Then today I found out all of my "friends" also hung out Fri nite, which I also wasn't invited to!!!! I hate this. I don't know what I did wrong! Why all of a sudden everyone I was really good friends with turns and hates me....This isn't making any sense. No one is telling me anythingn, just lies. So last nite I couldn't stop crying all I could think about is how everyone hates me, all this is doing is sinking me lower into a depression.Sadness Everyday for me You can't Take that away from me All these fuckin thoughts inside my head Are almost more than I can take. I have no one left in my life. Everyone I have ever cared about hates me or they left me. I'm alone in this world, and there is no one to catch me when I fall.........
 
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More....   
04:30pm 07/12/2003
 
mood: discontent
HASH(0x87e519c)
Protector


The ULTIMATE personality test
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HASH(0x880bbbc)
Wind


The Force of Nature Quiz
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HASH(0x86b7e20)
borderline


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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More Quizzes   
06:21pm 06/12/2003
 
mood: good
Nothing interesting has happened to me the past couple of days besides I know what I'm getting Mike for his B-day, and i've been working my ass off on a project. So here are some more quizzes I took.......


Depressed..
You're depressed. Really you are. And you
definitely have a reason. You often space out
and stare at things blankly, even if you're
normally hyper and energetic. This is because
nothing really seems important anymore. You
might just be sad right now, or you might be
manic depressive. Don't worry. Have some cocoa
and stuff'll be ok.


How Depressed are You?
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HASH(0x86ee610)
Blue Angel
Right now you are in a time of your life where you
aren't doing so good. Nothing is going your way
you sometimes wish that you weren't here, but
soon enough you know that life is going to turn
right around and everything will soon be all
good for you. You are a pretty and you need to
right now just keep your head up. Write down
your problems like as a song just so you can
get your feelings out. it will help


What Angel are you? (With Pics)
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icy
[[Distant Snowflake]]
You're so aloof. while giving some people the cold
shoulder may make you look cool, you could be
preventing great people from reaching out to
you. surprisingly, your chilly demeanor
probably comes from insecurity, not a
superiority complex. perhaps you are worried
that people are unable to accept you for who
you are. then these people are probably not
worth your friendship. to start breaking down
your ice-princess barriers, you could take more
small risks like smiling at strangers. and



Are You Friendly Or Frosty? (Find out what vibes you are sending out to others around you! Friendly carebear, or Frosty snowman?)
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A Little About Me   
09:22pm 05/12/2003
 
mood: bored
I've been bored for like the past 30 mins so here are some quizzes I took............

You represent... angst.
You represent... angst.
You have an extremely cynical outlook on just about
everything. It's okay to sulk and be
depressed, but life is short, and you only get
one. It's only what you make it, and only you
can make it improve.


What feeling do you represent?
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GARAGE GURL - Flirt inna Skirt!
A GARAGE-GURL. Youre into loud music, hot guys and
wild fashions. Youre most at ease when youve
got all your mates around you and you like to
party. Boys are a game and youre always on the
ball because you make sure youre always number
one.
Your virtues: Confidence, fun nature, sociability.
Your flaws: Loudness, jealous tendency, need for
attention.


What kind of girl are you?
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So goth you're dead!
You are every goth-kids dream!


Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
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Info Black
Your Heart is Black


What Color is Your Heart?
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Sad
You're the sad smile,the one that regrets nearly
everything and is constantly wondering about
what could have been.You're not happy with your
situation and usually blame yourself because of
the bad things that have happened.Cheer up.


What Kind of Smile are You?
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Fire
Your element is Fire. Wild and free. Your emotions
lead you everywhere. You are a very passionate
person, though sometimes forceful and
destructive you have a goal in life, even if
that goal is just to make it another day. Fire
consumes and purifys, it also protects. There
is always caution with fire because once it is
started on something there is no telling how
much it can destroy. Fire people have the same
tendency when mad you could be a candle burning
but if someone tips you over...


What's your element
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Artistic
You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
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dominant
You have a dominant kiss- you take charge and make
sure your partner can feel it! Done artfully,
it can be very satisfactory if he/she is into
you playing the dominant role MEORW!


What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
 
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Worst Nite in awhile   
04:22pm 03/12/2003
 
mood: irritated
Last nite was just BAD. I found out that almost all my friends hate me cuz I'm mean to Ryan. I really didn't think they would care cuz I think Ryan is fake and 2 nice and I'm mean to him. I've relized now that almost everyone in the fuckin world is fake and not themselves. Am I the only who who doesn't give a fuck what people think about me? I was talking to dan last nite about all this, and I Couldn't help my just cry for an hour while talking to him. He's making me relize somethings about myself that people want me to change. I don't know if I can change the way I am cuz people from my past made me this way, it's gonna take a lot to change...... So I decided since I piss so many people off I was juts gonna stop talking to everyone at lunch, so today I just brought my discman to lunch and didn't say a word, hope that makes everyone else happy, if I could only make myself happy. This morning wasn't much better. I slept through my alarm which is set for 5:30, and I got up at 7:20...so of chorse I was late for school. WHAT A GREAT WEEK!!!!!!! haha ya right...
 
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Another Bad Day...and People Are Fake   
03:03pm 02/12/2003
 
mood: aggravated
Today just sucked, lunch was the worst... I went up got my pizza then the lunch lady who takes my money freaked out on me cuz i don't know my lunch number, well MY BAD! I usually don't get school lunch but I didn't have time this morning to make my own lunch so Fuck Her! That was just the begining! I went to sit down with my "friends" and they just start laughing their ass off! So i'm like "wat's so funny" Nobody would tell me. Then Britt was tryign to get Dan to tell her his middle name and he wouldn't, and i say doesn't it start with an "A?" and Britt says, "WHY DID YOU TELL MARY YOU KNOW SHE HAS A BIG MOUTH!" So i said, " Dan didn't tell me his last name is was a guess, and I don't have a big mouth, everyone here knows they can tell me something, and I won't tell a sole!" Then everyone starts laughing again. Andrew says " Ya Mary you got the biggest mouth here outta all of us" So I said " Ya I have a big fuckin mouth when it comes to deffending myself, but when it comes to people telling me things I don't tell anyone, so I don't know where the fuck your pulling that outta your ass!" Ryans then asks me if I have any friends, once again everyone laughs. Well here's an answer to your question Ryan..... I think I only have 1-3 REAL friends. Everyone in the fuckin world is fake. I don't trust a sole here, and people onder why I don't wanna be here, Look around you, people are fake and there's nothing we can do about it. I was so ready to kill almost everyone at my table today exept for Jessie, Newman, and Dan.

I have so many tests and quizzes this week, not to mention 2 projects! I'm getting way over stressed. I havn't slept much for the past 4 days, and I'm about to lose my fuckin mind! And it snowed today, ARGH...could my day be any worse.
 
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Another Day in this Life of Mine   
05:19pm 01/12/2003
 
mood: cynical
I'll hate you before I like ya. Happy-go-lucky people are fake. I said today about this kid Ryan who I hate with a passion, "Ryan is one of the nicest people I know and that Why I hate him" People were like What the fuck that doesn't make any sense! I think it does cuz sum 1 who comes up to you and asks you how ur day is and blah blah blah with a big smile is just fake! No one can be that happy about life! The gotta be sad some of the time. I rather be friends with sum 1 I can cry, get mad, be happy, be sad with, not someone who is happy all the fucking time. IT'S FAKE! There not being themselves and they are trying to hid something. I don't like people who have something to hid from me. I can take anything that comes my way!


I figured out what tatoo I'm gonna get when i'm 18. I'm gonna get "Numb" in Chinese on my lower back. I was before gonna get this thick black out line of a broken heart but I figured ppl won't know what my back will say if I do it in Chinese. Numb is basiclly my life. I don't feel a thing when i get dissed and I can't love or trust anyone. It fits me well.

Things are staying the same between me and Dan, I'm really happy about that one. I'm glad he stays to his word, it's like nothing ever happend. I'm so clueless on what to get Mike for his B-day!!! His b-day is in 15 days so i need to think of something and get some money.How would I know what the hell a guy would want for his b-day! Uh money? That's so lame though, i wanna get something really good that he will love since he didn't get me anything for my b-day which i'm still pissed about. He says he loves me and doesn't know what he would do without me but then he doesn't get my anything for my b-day, he had the money, but he decided to buy a pizza for himself the day before my b-day! HOW LOW IS THAT! Then he said he was gonna give me his b-day money! I don't want something he's not realyl giving me, it's more like his parents are giving me $50. God he's an ass! Tomarrow Jessie is gonna give me my b-day present (a month late!) she got me a mistletoe candle (inside joke!)
 
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Michelle's House   
06:16pm 30/11/2003
 
mood: drained
Well Sat nite I spent the nite ant Michelle's Mom's house. We watched "The Real Cancun" that movie is pretty good. And we playing Tony Hawk Underground. I suck at the game but I still like it. This morning me and Michelle made up a dance, It's pretty good we more moves though. I came home around 2:30 and went running on my treadmill for 35 mins. Then fell asleep on the couch for 2 hours.

Omg yesterday evening at 5:00 Mike came over and I didn't know he would be stopping by, I had my PJs on my hair was all messy and gross, and i had no make-up on. He will prolly never come over again inless he calls first. I don't really care cuz it's mike but i just wonder wat he thought when he walked in. I'll have to talk to him tomarrow since he grounded for lighting his drive-way on fire.
 
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Thanksgiving/ Erica's House   
11:31am 29/11/2003
 
mood: tired
My Gram came over to my moms on Thursday to cook. While the turkey was cooking we went driving. I freaked out when a car got behind me, it was like riding my ass. So I pulled in to sum 1's driveway. Other than freaking when cars get behind me, I'm doing pretty good driving. Our Thanksgiving meal was really good!

Friday I went to Erica's house FINALLY. I think it's been about 3-4 months since we last hung out. We went in her hot tub for a lil bit, then got some cheesecake and went downstairs to watch "Night At The Roxbury" L8r that nite we watched most of "Finding Nemo" That movie is gr8! So now i'm back home doing nothing. Waiting for sum 1 to call me, I doubt that will happen since alomst everyone is grounded or still away cuz of Thanksgiving. I think we have Friday off for school. Which would be awsome. Well I'm gonna go watch TV now.....
 
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What a weird Nite   
08:08pm 26/11/2003
 
mood: bored
So last nite I ended up going out to dinner with Amy, David, Andrew, and Parker. We went to Pizzera Uno. Amy was be funny and was saying that me and here shouldn't be women and get salads, we should get steaks. Then I said fuck and and lets get cheesecake. We both ended up getting salads cuz we wern't that hungry. lol. oh well the salad was good. So after we got done eatign we went to Wall-Mart, and played around with the music things. Then Amy left at 7:30. Dan, Parker and David walked me home and stayed over till 9:30. It was pretty fun. I called mike cuz Dan was gonna make noises in the background to make it sound like we were doing something "bad." But mike ended up not being home. Then andrew like was humping me. That was getting annoying. After they left I basiclly had a long serious talk with Dan on the internet when he got home from house. He's gone to NY for the Holidays. EVERYTHING WILL STAY THE SAME.(had to know the convo we had)

So Mike called me this morning and was being gay cuz Timmy was over. So I hung up on him and we havn't talked since. I'm at my moms house today in VT. We made Rasberry Ribbion Pie and Pumpkin Pie for tomarrow. They came out really good. Then we ordered some pizza so fuck you all who say I don't eat, cuz i had 4 slices of pizza, gotta be proud. So now I'm just trying to find something to do cuz this computer doesn't have AOL or MSN just Yahoo messenger and i don't know anyone who has Yahoo. So this sucks. OMG tomarrow i'm going to eat so much, haha, so once again screw you all who think I don't eat! I will be 10 pounds heavier, ha ya right!

I went to the dermatoligist Mon. and now i'm on pills for my face, that should clear up very soon. I HOPE! well i'm gonna go play pool now on the net! HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
 
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My heart is confuzzled   
03:33pm 25/11/2003
 
mood: confused
I don't know what to do. I kinda like this sum 1, I can't say who cuz my friends might read this and get mad/surprized. I didn't want to end up likign this person but I can't help it! I'm gonna try to just forget about him though....IT'S NOT WORKING! well mabey having this vaction for Thanksgiving will make me stop thinkign about him! K now i'm gonna write about something else....

I saw michelle today and she kinda yelled at me about my shirt, she said, "God Mary is your shirt small enough?" It was said in a real bitchy way. Im not sure wat that is all about though. I'm going to my moms tomarrow and sleeping over for thanksgiving. It's just gonna be me, her, and my grandma. It should be alright. I'm gonna make two pies...YUMMY! Mike NEEDS to get a haircut, I told him i'm gonna call his mom and tell her to drag him downtown to get his hair cut. It's nasty! I HATE hairy guys. Legs is fine but anything other than that EW!
 
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Me and Dan's convo   
03:17pm 24/11/2003
  This is a convo I had with Dan last nite, It's was really funny



KDevlinNH: bitch!
DanTheMAn3384: no UR supposed 2 be MY bitch
KDevlinNH: u know im ur bitch, how about tonite?
DanTheMAn3384: k
KDevlinNH: i'll be thur after i finish my HW
DanTheMAn3384: o sure put school over me, overachiever!
KDevlinNH: fine then u come ova here
DanTheMAn3384: I have HW 2
KDevlinNH: then we're both not screwed
DanTheMAn3384: DAMMIT!
 
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Life Suxs   
02:46pm 24/11/2003
 
mood: depressed
Life is really starting to sux for me! It's like i'm have a relasps. Jessie is mad at me becuase I guess I only point out the bad things about people! WTF!!! Then at lunch I was just sitting eating my lunch and I got mad at Garrett cuz he was sitting with us and i asked him to move cuz he usually doesn't sit with us and there wasn't enough room. So then I started yellin at him and threaten to poor his chocolate milk on all his pudding, he didn't move so GUESS WHAT! I poured all his chocolate milk on his pudding, so he got up. Then I got up to throw my lunch out and he sat back down so I had no place to sit so I stood behind jessie and she's like DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT MARY! I was like whoa bitch! So then i stood behind Britt and her and Ryan called me a jerk so I just walked off really mad. I know it sounds gay, but there's more to it than that! Just the way they were saying things to me! "Everyone hates mary"<----sum friends I have! I'm so sick of life and all the assholes here. The person I have left who isnt an ass to me is Dan. He was the only one today that noticed I was upset, and he kept trying to make me laugh. I dunno what tomorrow will bring.....I don't think I wanna know..........
 
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Same as Alwayz   
05:48pm 23/11/2003
 
mood: calm
Mike called me at 11:00 last nite! He said something like that he was Sry for being an asshole early that nite. I don't remember much of the convo cuz I was half-asleep. I don't think I relized it then cuz i do remeber saying to mike that I was just laying down. I actully was sleeping for about an hour before he called! oh well. So ya Mike was beign an asshole earlier, but what else is new. I called him and Brett was ova they were talking about how they lit a fire in the driveway or something, I couldn't really hear him talking since the musc was so fuckin loud! So I was bitching at him to turn the music down and of chorse he didn't listen to what I was saying. He really should, I wouldn't be mad at him all the time if he just did what I said to....(I'm not controlling!) He alwayz an ass when he's around other people.

So today I went driving, again! I did much better than yesterday. I'm getting the hang of it now. I also went to Bed Bath & Behond for like an hour looking at pillows! It was so boring, but the guy who had to get on the lader to get one of the pillow was really hott! When I got home I went jogging on my treadmill for an hour! Go me! Now i'm just watching Tv and about to get offline cuz it's boring and no one else is one!
 
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Lonely Nite   
03:56pm 22/11/2003
 
mood: pissed off
Another lonely nite for me! Erica's aunt said I can't babysit with her cuz it's a "bad idea"!!! WTF I'm SOOO FUCKING PISSED NOW! Me and Erica havn't hung out for like eva, and now her aunt gotta ruin it! So now WTF am I gonna do? HANG AT HOME!!!! FUN FUN FUN, ya right! Mabey I will take a bath and relaxe tonite, but that won't last long! Good thing we only have 2 days of school this week, cuz i don't know how much more i can take of school, and people. I'm really hoping every fucking asshole here will DIE...

So ya I went driving today, i did pretty good! I still don't have backing up, it's alot harder than it looks. I take up 2 much space. I can park though thats easy. Tomarrow I think i might go again, it depends of what my aunt is doing. Other than that life it boring, and i hopeing that something will happen any day now..........




It's really hard to be somebody
that can take care of everyone else
but can't even take care of herself
when acknowledged, you're a hazard
at school you're just another kid
and the one you love doesn't even want to give
you a chance
and all you can do is
sigh, force a smile on your face
and look at the glass as half full,
not half empty
you're running
through this endless maze
and never finding a way out
so you ask yourself sometimes
why am i still going?
why am i still trying?
why am i still loving him?
why am i still waiting?
why am i not giving up?
because i'm not a quitter
i'm too determined not to be defeated
by my own mind
 
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Another Night   
06:26pm 21/11/2003
 
mood: irritated
music: Lonley World-Limp Bizkit
Mike is a fucking asshole! I swear I'm threw with him! He says he loves me (as a friend) then he hangs up with me on the phone cuz he's jelose of Dan. He think I'm in love with Dan, but Dan is just one of the coolest guyz I know. Everyday he makes me laugh till I cry! So Mike needs to get a life and get over that I'm friends with Dan, just cuz he doesn't like dan doesn't mean he has to bitch to me about it!!! Wait till I get the fucking chance to talk to him again, he's gonna wish he never said a fucking word to me!!!!

So I talked to Erica today about Sat nite and sleeping over. Her Aunt now doesn't know if we will have to babysit or not, and if she does have to babysit she said "prolly" I can go to. I better be abel to go. I will find out in the morning around 10ish, thats if Erica sticks with her word. I wouldn't bet money on it though! I get to go driving tomarrow! I will learn how to back up and park! I can't wait!!! I luv driving so much!

The latin report......i got some of it done but it was mostly taking notes from some paper thing, that I don't even know what the fuck it's about!!! I gotta finish my rough draft on the report tonite. I will be able to get that done cuz it's a friday nite and I have nuthing to the fuck to do! Everyone is grounded or just out somewhere. I dunno where Michelle is tonite though nobody is home. Erica is going to the moose lodge dance, I would go but not enough of my friends go to it. I went 2 weeks ago and didn't have that great of a time, I would have a kick ass time if I had a guy, but I'm working on that one!

well i'm out for tonite, let's see what tomarrow brings me........





*Horrid Dreams*

Once again I awaken from my horrid dreams,
With a broken spirt and wrist slashed to the bone.
I can't help but cry out, all because of this terrible pain
And then I remember that, as always, I am alone.
Another night of nightmares keeps me from my rest,
Once again I ponder just when I will heal.
But somehow I know that it won't happen
So a part of me wishes these dreams were real.
I sit here in the middle of the night and cry
While the rest of the world takes time to sleep.
At least this way there is no one that may come
And attempt to interrupt me while I weep.
So I sit her quietly, unable to stop the flow of my tears,
And the saddest part of it all is that I don't know why.
I am not sure if I sit her weeping in fright from my dreams
Or is it, I weep becuase I cannot finally die?
 
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Not To Bad   
04:05pm 20/11/2003
 
mood: anxious
Today was a pretty good day for me. Nothing went to wrong. I got in trouble a couple of times in Latin for talking to Dan, but that's nothing new! That teacher is such a Bitch! anywayz enough about her!

I'm going driving this weekend with my Aunt! I'm gonna learn how to back up and park, hopefully I won't kill anybody this time! Naw, I'm pretty good at driving, only 5 months till i can drive on the road withmy 'rents! I can't wait. Also with my aunt I'm gonna do my Latin report that I have been putting off for the last minute.

Last nite I did end up running on my treadmill. I wanted to go for 30 mins. but I got really dizzy so I only went for 20 min. Tomarrow I get to find out if I can sleep over Erica's!!! I better be able to or else i'm gonna be pissed! There nothing I can really do about it but oh well.

Well that's allf or today, I'm going to go eat sum cheese and paste thing now! Till tomarrow.....
 
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The Past   
06:35pm 19/11/2003
 
mood: guilty
Well I know that I have been complaining on how bad the past two weeks are, so here's a poem that sums up alot of stuff......

*I'm Okay*

So bright outside where the sun shines
my smile gleaming like there's nothing wrong
but I'm I okay on the inside?

the rain does fall
the thunder strikes my heart
this is my inside

tears fall down
but no one wants to see them
they tell me to wipe my eyes

I'm just fine
but they cant see the inside
all they see is what they want to see
and what they see is perfect
but i hide the secrets of hurting pain
pushing aside my struggles
But I'm okay...


I don't remember if I wrote it or I got it some where. I really like it just doesn't sum up my week but just the past 2-3 years of my life, sad isn't it. but on the brightside...ummm, is there a bright side to my life? I havn't found it yet. But i'm gonna go know and run on my treadmill as soon as my dad goes to sleep which should be very soon....
 
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Too much   
04:36pm 19/11/2003
 
mood: frustrated
My week is getting better! Good thing I didn't know how much more I could take of my living hell.

I'm done with my Health project, that must of been the easiest thing i've ever done! But now I have this gay ass Latin report! I've put it off for like a week, and it's due monday, UGH!

So I went after school to work on my report cuz i figured I wouldn't do it at home, but Laura and Dan came with me so i only got like one sentence done. We all decicded to go to Dans house. We were all hanging around on the couch, and the i looked outside the window and i saw Dans brother Chad, so me and Laura hid in the clostet! we couldn't stop laughing so Chad found us. Oh well! Then we had a pillow fight, that was dirrrty. My aunt picked me up then I went home, now I gotta go do my report!
 
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Not as bad as I thought   
06:13am 18/11/2003
 
mood: refreshed
music: Staind-Blow Away
The past two weeks have been just horrible. Friends lieing, and talking shit behind my back. I had to tell an old friend who ditched me to be popular last year that I wish i was never her friend. Dealing with one of my friends on drugs, I don't care that she uses drugs it's just that she has been doing it for a year and never told me.

Mike thinks I like Dan. I can see why since me and Dan flirt but it's cuz of the inside jokes we have, we both know we don't like each in that way. Dan and Jessie broke up Friday, and laura's party was Friday but Jessie couldn't go! Fri nite was crazy, I mad that Davy called me a slut! I have to talk to him about that one tomarrow, If i remember....

Erica wants use to hang out and be friends again. I want to be friends, but I just can't trust her. It prolly won't work out that I can babysit with her Sat nite then sleep over. Wheneva we try to make plans it never seems to work out! Just my luck wit that gurl....

Mike, a lier, an ass, a jerk, the list goes on..... I'm tryin to be friends with him again also, but I dunno if I can. He lies SO fucking much, it drives me crazy! L8ly he has been really perverted towards me saying that he wants to see me run on my treadmill, and just other shit. Horny lil shit!

I'm out mabey this week will be betta than the past 2 weeks.....
 
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