n 1: a person who is deemed to be despicable or contemptible;
"only a rotter would do that"; "kill the rat"; "throw
the bum out"; "you cowardly little pukes!" [syn: rotter,
rat, skunk, stinker, stinkpot, bum, crumb,
lowlife, scum bag, so-and-so]
2: the matter ejected in vomiting [syn: vomit, vomitus]
v : eject the contents of the stomach through the mouth; "After
drinking too much, the students vomited" [syn: vomit, vomit
up, cast, sick, cat, regurgitate, be sick, disgorge,
regorge, retch, barf, spew, spue, chuck, upchuck,
honk, throw up] [ant: keep down]

Date:	2003-08-29 21:59
Subject:	"you fucking slob"
Security:	Public
Mood:	bitchy
Music:	seether-driven under

o too much to share

love
-clovers-

Date:	2003-08-28 21:47
Subject:	new life in a pill
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	eve6-think twice

today i start my new life in a pill, my moment in anothers bliss for fourty minutes
acid was the poison of choice for today

the government considers you insane if youve done acid (LSD) more then eight times, im comming down from number three

tuesday its going to be a dime of crystal meth.

i dont like drugs that much, its just another way to kill myself slowly
that and the experience

my mind echo'd all nite long
"what the fucks wrong with you"
i went to sleep at 12 and woke at 2,
i dont plan on sleeping tonight, the 150mg of diphenhydramine argue otherwise, but fuck them

i made a amature mistake tody though, acid is only as good as the user
sitting back in the woods behind my house, i watched the trees burn, melt, flash and burn again
one of the most important things to rememer when dealing with lsd is not to get scared
you get scared, things get scary'er
i curled into a ball, which is getting kind of repetive, by the end of my life i'll be a pro at that position
and i cryed
im a sixteen yearold boy who crys
how pathetic

ah well, i need to go

my day was going so horrably good untell i got home
this morning i woke, brushed my teath and spit out the tooth paist along with a nice clot of blood, another ulsur
this one if really bad, it didnt get bad till i got home, my stomach is killing me
i was sitting on my bed, holding my stomach, i was thinking about what to do;
milk in the morning, lunch and dinner
no foods with high acid levels (no strong fruit like oranges or lemons, no spicy food, not alot of meat)
i need to stop by the drug store and get some OTC acid nutrillizers
sitting on my bed thinking about this i realized how many times this has happened,
i realized how fucking shity my life is
i realized that i dont have a reason to do this
shure, my step dad hits me, my mom hates me and my real dad, well lets not even go there
my sister is better at anything i try (she did skip 5 grades in school)
but all in all it could be worse, the only reason i have that justifies all this is that, through everything, all my life
all this issues iv gone through, all the problems iv had to deal with, everythign
i have been alone
and now more then ever, i feel it
iv had friends and lovers, but never anyone i could share this with
iv never had someone who would except me,
never anyone who would read this and still bother

::sigh::



i guess this is just to mood of the day, i'll be over it tomarrow
still alone
but better

Date:	2003-08-23 19:24
Subject:	dad
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused
Music:	a static lullaby: charred fields of snow

i talked to my dad today, i havent talked to him in a while.
its scary how much we have in common. i have alot in common but we cant talk to each other, we both are distant.
my sister is different from him, she is like my mother, so my father can talk to her.
my mother hates my father (thats why they devorced) , and i am like my father, so she hates me, make sence?
anyways, my father wants me to go to his house (in romania) for winter break.
im not shure wether i want to or not, i love my dad, but, like i said, theres nothing between us.
i used to be a happy giddy young boy, so happy about nothing. he remembers me like this, he expects me to be like that, but im not.
my sister hasnt changed, she is exactly like he remembers, so he likes her more.
if i go all i will see is him praising her and me standing in the corner.
im not shure, i need to think, i need to think about everything, i need drugs, i need to be able to sit back and lose control.
a girl i used to know, before i changed, i talked to her, she was going to get some shrooms, i havent ever done shrooms, i was a little jellious.
i havent dont anything hard in the past week or two, not to bad i guess.
i need to break that though, i need to get fucked really badly.
o well, time to eat
good bye

3 years, one month, 5 days.
the last time i cryed was on my birthday, my step-father found out i had a D in math, he yelled, and, when i didnt bacl down hit me.
today he went out and looked for a job, its been almost 6 years since iv seen his ass work.
i guess he needed someone to take his anger out on, as usual im here for the taking.
i cant explain the feeling, i stood there for 24 minutes while he shouted out everything he could think of.
i want to die so much right now, i want to just give up and fucking die.
im tired of everything, i hate it so fucking much


3 years ago my parents wanted to move, we moved to pensacola florida, after a year we moved to jacksonville florida, then we moved back here, to tennessee, were we started. the whole time my parents never mentioned a word of regret, now though, we live in a rented house and my mom has trouble paying every bill.


im not really to torn up about my step dad yelling at me, i cry because he said it was all my fault, its my fault him and my mom fight, its all my fault we moved, its my fault my mom hates her life, its all my god damn fucking fault, all i do is think about my fucking self

all i ever try to do is not be noticed

all i want to do is be out of his way.

all i want to do is die.

just got out of the shower, i feel clean.

im all burnt though 8^(
i had to do a bunch in gym stuff today, i hate gym, but anyways, i was sore so i decided to talke a hot shower. i got in the shower, turned on the water, turned on the hot about half way, got into the shower, turned the hot water up a little, waited and turned it up some more, when i took my hand off i accidentally turned it up all the way, very very hot. the water got burning hot in only a few seconds, but instead of turning it off i stood there, i wanted to see how much i could endure i guess. the skin on my back is peeling now. after a second i took the cold water and turned it all the way off, i could feel the skin on my back burn and turn red.....

bla bla bla, more drugs tonight i guess
nite

Date:	2003-08-17 11:31
Subject:	fuck 2
Security:	Public
Mood:	pissed off
Music:	at the drive in: napolean solo

last day left before my ideotic parents return, the start of it all over, the cat and mouse game we play, back and forth.
freash razors awaiting there stains
my old friend left today, we have nothing in common anymore, iv changed now.
mandy, a girl i used to love came over, she wanted me to be with her, but i wouldnt.
i dont want to hurt anyone else besides my self.
we stood at the stairs, she asked "what the fucks wrong with you?"
i got cold chills when she asked that.
i was so glad when she left.
today was one of the days when i couldnt really give a shit about living.
theres nothing i could care about anymore
after you loose all you care about you have no reason to fear dieing.
love and fear go hand in hand, we fear what we love.


i need a cigarette, i dont know where i would be without my self-distructive habbits, they keep me alive.
fuck, im gunna go////

Date:	2003-08-14 19:31
Subject:	fuck.....
Security:	Public
Mood:	grumpy
Music:	our lady peace: not enough

just cleaned my room, my grandmother decided not to come over (thank god) its depressing to know i have to wake for school in the morning. i have a whole collection of drugs to do. i didnt have anyone to sit with at lunch, so i sat next to the guy who iv baught some stuff from before, he cant really get hard shit, but o well. sitting theres though, one of his friends said he could get rolls (exticisy)
great shit, if youve never tryed it, its super. my step-father left me a large sum of money for emergencys

8^)

as for tonight, the liquer cabinit is wide open for use.
also, just a random thought, my fathers going to be gone all weekend, i can wear long sleave shits again (cover up the arms)

i talked to my mom on the phone, i really hate haveing any kind of confrontations with her, but when she was talking to me she asked her usual questions; how was school, how are you getting alone ("bwaaaahahahahahahah....fine mother"), what are you doing this weekend. but then "are you still depressed?", just a little FYI, my parents never do anything up front, i had a feeling she knew about my hobbies, but she never went up front and asked, i gave her the old "what the hell is that supposed to mean?" and she droped it.
i really hate my parents, as much as they've done for me, i cant help it.

my dad got that new virus, it was pretty funny, it makes me happy i use a KDE linux baised operating system, theres just something about a unix text baised shell interface that makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. i used to be a uber-computer dork, a avid c++ user and a python wizard, lol, im such a loser and a huge dork...

thats all over with though, my music and my self is all i have and all i know now

im fucking bored...

ah!!!
almost forgot to document this, im watching the crucibal(spelling) in english class, i was doing my homework at the time, but anyways, the guy in the movie said something i liked "even god thought lucifer beautifull the hour before his betraile"

not really important, but i like it.

tang is so awesome

oxycoding tonight

i need to go on a drug hunt damn it

sigh, we are all truely alone, were all alone in a world filled with people.......

latter.........

my dad just left, we went to go see my mom for the weekend. my grandmother agreed that it was silly for her to stay here, she just wanted to stop by for a little while, after that tthe house will be mine.
a have many good plans for my moment in isolation. i'll be up for some time, i no douby will write something latter.

Date:	2003-08-12 17:29
Subject:	headache
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad
Music:	something corporate: konstantine

i have a headache today, its not bad though. i know how to deal with them, my parents used to put me on various drugs for my supposed A.d.d.
i used to cry from the headaches, my nose would bleed for hours, id get sick and throw up....
but i never told my mother
she finnaly found out, i told her it didnt hurt so she wouldnt take me off of them, but she did.
i think, if i could pick a beginning for this, it would be there.

i really like this song

i remember one day, it was winter, i used to have a place back in the woods i used to hang out at, it was at the tree line of a big field.
the field was covered with snow, the creek was half frozen, the snow still falling. i went back there, knealed by the creek and cryed.
that was when it felt so new, so fresh, so different to hurt. it hurt and i couldnt understand why, so i cryed....
i spent alot of my life crying, its all really pretty pathetic.

and threw it all, i still never learned, i turned cold, numb, but i still cry, i still take all the pills i can, i still hurt and i still have no clue why.....

Date:	2003-08-11 15:45
Subject:	changes
Security:	Public
Mood:	cold
Music:	the used: blue and yellow

im changing, i can feel it. today, as usual, i sat in the gym during lunch. every one was in the lunch room or gone out to eat. a girl came and sat next to me, she asked my name, i told her and then i went back to my book, she looked over my shoulder and asked what it was about " its about a guy who used to be in a religious cult, he lived a horrable life and ended up commiting suicide" (i was getting annoyed at this point.) she asked why i would like something like that, i told her, i told her it was all i could ever hope for. i told her to leave me the fuck alone and she did so.

....people wont listen to me when i tell them not to care....



winter is amazing here, the snow covers most everything, but not to much, just perfect. the woods behind my house are going to be amazing in the winter, that and the field. i spent alot of the nite yesterday looking for my mothers gun, she's not all that sharp, most people would think a gun would be worth looking after, but not her. before winter i;ll have to buy a cleaning kit, high impact shells,(assuming i find her gun in time, if not then i;ll have to use my fathers 16 guage, and that will be to messy) a calligraphic pen and some nice stationary, and a water proof envolopes.
i havent found a song yet, im still looking.


i guess this is as low as it gets. i guess if it doesnt work out then i'll look back on this and think " man i used to be such a fucking looser "
i guess if it does work i'll proabably go to hell. if there is such a thing.

i saw a movie once, a man died, then his two kids died and then his wife commits suicide. the man goes to heaven with his children, but the wife goes to hell, she goes to hell because she commited suicide, she commited suicide to be with her husband and her two kids.
its a wonderfull story

almost every religion says something about suicide and hell.

o well, i'll worry about that latter on........

Date:	2003-08-10 19:32
Subject:	my first scream
Security:	Public
Mood:	anxious
Music:	from autumn to ashes: cherry kiss

another boring day in the life of me. i didnt know what to do so i went out side. i walked to the old barn way back in the woods. i walked to the lake. i walked to the field, kneeled down and screamed as loud as i could. it was the first time iv ever dont anything like that. i didnt feel better afterwards, it just felt like it had to be dont.

im out of sleeping pills, i have no lighter, i have 4 cigarettes left and i damn shure dont have any other drugs to assist me in my "special" hobbies.

i plan on this being one of the most painfull nites in the past year or two.

its funny how not hurting, hurts so fucking bad.
i need to cut, the warm blood making its way down my arm rocks me to sleep.
my matriss is stained with blood,
::sigh::
memories

i dont want to go to school tomarrow, im pretty much the only little emo kid there, everyone looks at me.
i dont even dress that different.
i hate when people look at me, or try to approach me, i hate when people try to be friendly because they think i need them.
i hate people.
i just want to be alone.
people dont listen when i tell them not to care.

Date:	2003-08-10 09:03
Subject:	vomit
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed
Music:	thrusday: jet black new year

its 58 degrees in my room, i spent the early morning watching the sun rise, another problem day begins. i went to sleep last nite with only 4 tynol PM's. it felt weird not to hurt.
my step-father had one of his little fits again. my school is very strict on dress code. the first two days of school i got in trouble for dress code, my father didnt take it well, my cheek is missing a rather large chunk of skin. i dont know how i ended up doing it, i always grit my teath and it usually keeps me from biting my toung or something.
i quit spiting up blood and i havent had any serious cough's, the blood can get sucked into your lungs were it stays in the bottom of the lungs and rots, causing phnominia or lukemia.

its been really painfull.
i found a new drug source, when i get the money i'll be able to buy what i need, its a wonderfull world.

{i was thinking the other day, back when this started, i used to dream about it. i had a dream once, it felt so real, i took a sirenge, filled it with neon green anti-freeze, a belt on my arm, the veins stand, i stick it into my arm, i injected it, for a moment i sit there, my arm feels fine, i take off the belt and it shoots a fire up my arm, my whole left side burns, i can feel it grow and go through out my body, then my heart starts to race, then it starts to burn, it burns so bad. i start to choke, vomit, pant and then die.....}

o well...back to my fake life...

no where left to cut, my arms are shrinkwraped with scared tissue, i cant do it there without anyone noticeing
i found a song today, i used to dream about doing it to this song, our lady peace: 4am, i used to want it so bad, along time ago.
my parents are worried about me, friends are worried about me too.
people wont lisen to me when i tell them not to care
i want to rape my petty little soul and watch it bleed to death.
i cant wait till winter, i'll be able to go then.
its all fucked anyways....

temazepam=22.5 mg
dehenhydramine hydrochloride USP= 100 mg
sleep

first day of school today, i know its early, my school is year around now.
i saw a bunch of people i used to know, they all talked to me, i kept the smile on all the way home, down the drive way, up to my room, to the middle of my room, kneeled down on the carpet, curled into a ball and died once more.
i cryed for about a hour and after i felt horrably empty. the fact is, im getting older, one more year after this and my adult life will begine. im so scared, "i dont want to conform to living, iv made such a habbit of dieing"
i think its almost time to get on with the buisness of dieing.
i cant take the thought of growing up, becoming a failure and dieing old and useless.
id rather die here, now, before i get any uglyer.
iv spent the afternoon trying to find the perfect music to fit this mood.
my parents always thought i was a failure, im simply doing it one more time.
this is my requiem, a requiem of a loser, a little kid who doesnt know shit, a little kid who IS a failure, a little kid who was too dumb to know how to live so he dies, this is my requiem.

went over to my old friends house, me and him used to spend our time trashing our selves on various drugs. its nice to know he hasnt changed, we baught a quarter of hydro and spent the nite in a daze. the next morning we were talking to his nabor and he asked if we might want any perscriptions, xanix, oxy-cotten, the goodies. so, it seems i might have a new contact, iv been looking forward to getting my hands on something a little harder, maby some cid or so. im iffy about od'ing on something like acid though, iv done it before and ended waking up outside in the rain with only my boxers on, i had a huge gash on my head and my wrists were cut.
if i ever did go through with it, i wouldnt want my parents blaiming it on something like drugs, i want them to know that all of this is there fault, i want them to suffer, i want my step dad to feel every time he hit me.

"i'm not strong enough to hurt him with my life, so i'll do it with my death"

my first day of school is tomarrow, i already went for orentation, a group of people wanted me to go talk to them, i walked over there and this jock looking guy was like "your emo arent you?"
i really hate when people sterotype.
so i said "yea, i guess"
he asked what bands i like
so i told him, "my chemical romance, thursday, finch, from autumn to ashes"
and i asked him....
bla bla bla, long story short, i talked to random people, offended them and left...

i hate when people look at people like me and feel pitty, i hate when people try to be friendly because i look like a sterotypical sad, confused teenager.
the fact is that, my problems are not the worst, hell there nothing compared to others.
fuck, im tired, o well, latters

if im going to successfully overdose i need to learn to sleep on my back more
about 3 this morning, my vomiting lullaby covered the up stares of the house in sobs
my parents didnt wake, thankfully
some time during the nite i managed to turn over on my tummmy
the paxils were the cause of it all im shure
im running short now and i probably dont have enough to do another one of these
i start school tomarrow, it pains me to think about all the people i will have to hurt before they will leave me alone
i used to live here 3 years ago, my parents thought it to be a good idea to explore new areas, this happened to be at about the same time it started.
id love to kill the person i used to be, the person i used to be before it started
i sat on the bathroom floor, curled into a human ball, my stomach ulsored last nite, the lining in my stomach broke some time during the whole ordeal, i lay there on the floor, blood creaping out of the side of my mouth. i, tryed to keep my sobs quiet, the house is old and noise travels well. it only took three times before my stomach was dry, its one of the most lovelyist things ever, dry heaves, its the equilivent of trying to throw up your intistines, there right below the stomach, the stomach contracts creating a vacume for a short moment, streaching them up with every heave. this im shure is about the time my stomach ulsured. the stomach acids slowly eat at the bloken place untill it heals or gets worse. im not shure how bad it is, i'll know in a couple days, if i cough up more then its not likely it will heal and i'll have to go to the doctor, acid nutrilizers probably, "but only take them one to two hours after eating."
its all bullshit
and i have one hell of a headache
o well, i have to go, school tomarrow....b

From childhood's hour i have not been
as others were- i have not seen
as other saw-i could not bring
my passions from a common spring
from the same source i have not taken
my sorrow; i could not awaken
my heart to joy at the same tone;
and all i lov'd, i lov'd alone
then-in my childhood-in the dawn
from ev'ry depth of good and ill
the mystery which binds me still;
from the torrent, or the fountain,
from the red cliff of the mountain,
from the sun that 'round me roll'd
in its autumn tint of gold-
from the lightning in the sky
as it pass'd me flying by-
from the thunder and the storm
and the cloud that took the form
when the rest of the sky was blue
was a demon in my view......


E.A. Poe