its been so long since iv thought about this thing, i tryed to make another one, but no one seemed to car enough to read it. i dont expect anyone to read this ether. and its sad that it takes a depression this great to sway me back into self expression.
this great depression, is a product of night before filled with cocain and vodka. because, as everyone should know, the day after one does as much cocain as i did, will be one of the worst things you'll ever have to go though in your life.
which brings us here.
and writing some random crap down seemed like a better idea then taking a pack of razor blades and slitting my own wrist.

by the way, if someone does get around to reading this, this is me http://profiles.myspace.com/users/1121647
i need a fucking friend. this town is shity. my, what ever, girl friend i suppose is at her friends house asleep.
dont you hate it when you like someone alot, and they never seem to want to call.

i guess i can add someone else to the list of things iv wanted but could never have.
we'll go ahead and put love in there too
fucking katie, arg
imagine a girl perfect for you. gorgeous, amazing personality. then imagine you had her, and its like, youve never thought about spending forever with a person, and then you meet someone, and you can, you can think about, you even want it. then imagine, you call her, and you want to say something, and it comes out wrong. imagine someone you loved not being pulled away from you, but pushing them selves away.
fast forward to now, me and katie are friends that only talk when we bump into each other in school. but the worst thing is seeing her with someone else...
but i dont say anything, i keep my mouth shut and take everything i hate, my step dad, seeing katie with someone else, knowing that one of my best fucking friends killed him self because of me, and i take everything i feel and i hold it inside, because thats all i know, and i killes me, but iv already killed someone else with what i feel inside. and one day it will push me over the edge and i'll be gone. and thats all i'll know, forever. because people like me dont go to heaven. people like me only know what we keep.

told you it makes you depressed.

i need to go lay down, everything feels cold and grey

last night in europe...

"sleep well"

on nights like tonight, thoes words never wrok togather.
im going to be up all night, im shure.

i leave tomarrow at 5:00 am, it is a three hour car drive to london, and a eight hour plane trip to the states, im not looking forward to it at all.

also, i dont know what to say to my father tomarrow.
he gave he a hug goodnight, and i could already start to see the teares forming in his eyes.
thats one thing i didnt get from him, somthing i guess i learned on my own, after he left.

i dont remember the last time i, personally, felt as much emotion as he does on a normal day, so much emotions isnt good for a person, lol.

tomarrow, he is going to start balling at the terminal, i know it, and all i will be able to do is stand there, my blank face that sudgests that i might care. (i also have to live with the fact that i know damn well that i dont)
that "might" is the only reason im not another person to him. he is a romantic, and i, i am a realist.

i am 17 and he is 47, i realized love is...nothing
he still beleaves


::sigh::

i dunno,

i need money, im almost broke, and have a ton of stuff to buy.
i hate being in poverity, lol
clint mansell=god
no contest

i dunno, i might write some more latter tonight, i have to pass off enough time for them to go to sleep atleast, i need a cigarette.

01:10 PM - Edit Post - Remove

17 minutes latter...

lol, i mannaged to keep my self entertained for a amazing 17 minutes,
i listened to some sad music, as normal,
cody-mogwai
then i terroized the ranking section.
i exicuted my engenious plan to give everyone ones, except for thoes who i thought thuely worthy
bwaahahahahahah
it wasnt as much fun as you might think, which im pretty shure you think its downright stupid.
so its uber stupid
bwaaahahaha(evil villen laugh)
but still, now that i exicuted my evil plan, im left with nothing to do.
except ponder the unsolvable misteries of the universe.
damn i have horrable spelling.
and i dont think im going to spell check this, just so everyone can see that, i, mr....bob. has horrable spelling!!!


the madness continues seven lines down






that was enteresting, now go to the line -7 lines ago and add three to the origional number and see where you get :)
waka waka waka, now add 4 to me, and do what it says
oh ho, lmao, im so bored,
ok, go back six lines and add 10 to the number of spaces you are from the origional number go....now!
ok, now start from the bedinning, add one, then multiply the number of your current postion by seven, then squar that, then minus 42 and do what it says!

your a retard for doing this
man, your getting good, i think im lossing it, but ok, now go to the number 5 spaces from the start, add 7 and minus 3





lmao, that is awesome, i wana know if anyone will acthually do it, you'll be my hero if you do, i'll even put you in my profile as my hero, and everyone will know your name.


ah shit, im bored again :(

charlie chaplin is so emo-ish, my default pic owns all!!!!
bum bum bum bum de bum de dum de bum bum bum bum
i need to listen to some my chemical romance, i havent done so in a long time.
iv been going on a, what every you would call clint mansell and mogwai, binge
i need to get back to my emo-core roots,
i need to go to a show damn it!!!

where is warp tour going first,
my chemical romance is going to do the first half, if anyone out there sees mcr and falls in love with them, remember i told you they where a good band

poo

im going to go walk around the room, or something

i just hate being alone at times like these; pitty me

<0_o>

gizmo

calmnessess...

i slept till about 3:00pm today, it felt good to sleep, i have been doing less and less of it lately.
i guess my expriments with my insomnia are over. atleast i ended it with a bang. 13 hours in 6 days was the result. what importance this has i dont know, but i decided to keep track anyways.
im addicted to sleeping pills. im addicted to so much, i'll probably die and be feening for a cigarette, some kind of drug, illegal, not, its all the same, who cares.

(mogwai-cody)

the perfect song to accent the mood of my day.
today is, truely and completely, a sunday
complete with lack of....everything, espicially feeling
i needed a break from feelings anyways.

my dad is starting his own buisness, i admire him so much.
when he wants to do something, he does it.
and he is doing it.
he wants me to move here and go to collage.
he wants me to take over his buisness when he's older.
he says he will support me, and that i dont have to continue working long hours.
he says i dont have to put up with the shit i (do) put up with at home.
he is kinder to me then anyone has ever been
he has so much in common with me
that is the problem

i know, my self, that i am a horrable person, and i have to ask my self, is he?

inturuption

Of all i knew
I held too few
And would you stop me?
If i tried to stop you?

Old songs, stay to the end
Sad songs, remind me of friends
And the way it is, i could leave it all
And i ask myself, would you care at all

When i drive alone at night
I see the streetlights as fairgrounds
And i tried a hundred times
To see the road signs as day-glow

Old songs, stay to the end
Sad songs, remind me of friends
And the way it is, i could leave it all
And i ask myself, would you care at all

Date:	2003-12-26 23:11
Subject:	paris
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed

if i cryed for you,
would you cry for me
if i jumped for the view
would you jump too?
if i made you a song
would you even listen
if i loved you a little to long
your eyes, your tears glisen
and could you tell me im wrong
if i loved you
could you love me too
could you let me hold you
if need be
could you see
i push the needle through and through
all i can think about is you
i cut my wrist
and your my only wish
red and white
i'll die for you tonight
i'll close my eyes
kiss you good bye
break our ties
and its amazing
as i die
all i want is to see your eyes

Date:	2003-12-01 18:15
Subject:	cold
Security:	Public
Mood:	discontent
Music:	mogwai-don't cry (guns 'n roses cover)

very very odd day, not at all like I expected.
I expected to come home, my father gone, I hade the highest expectations for today, no reason, I just thought today would be a grand day.
my father was gone when I got home, but he arrived soon after. I spent the afternoon cleaning out the storage room.
I had a pretty decent day, though, it just seemed to go pretty good, I found out im passing English, as im sure you care, lol
but anyways, I have a 79 in there, which is a lot higher then my expected F

I did however get some troubling news, my friend, lee, who originally moved here from England is going to move back in a year.
it takes a lot for me to care about another person, and iv only known lee for a short time, but alas I am saddened by it
and damn, this is the best song iv herd in a long time, even if it is live.
I miss good music, I miss music strong enough to make me cry.
I miss having something to cry about
loll, I need Jessica, my ex from Jacksonville.
she was such a miserable pathetic thing.
all she did was drag me down.
but when I look back on all the times we had, I smile.
I know its wrong, but she hurt me so bad, and it felt so good.
I know iv mentioned it before, but she was the person who got me cutting.
and I still have a scar on my wrist, 11 inches long, from my palm to my elbow.
I said I made it for her.
......I have a lot of scars....
.......................................
.....................................


and this, this started out as a happy letter.
I guess it cant be helped
but I wish, I wish I had someone who could understand
someone who would understand

Date:	2003-11-30 22:26
Subject:	lonely
Security:	Public
Mood:	lonely

i went to the store with my father and brother today, i saw a girl who is in my gym class.
she's popular, she's beautiful, she's symbolizes everything i could dream for.

+

but people like that arent for me, and im not ment for that kind of life.

if you do, as some do, beleave in fate, then this would truely be a act of it.
im destin to live this crippled excuse for a life, this repiticious line of monotious shit

::sigh::
iv been averaging about 2 hours a night for the past week, my eyes are bloodshot and almost swollen shut.
my life is crap, no way around it.
i feel like dieing.

this is not a cry for help,
this is not me whining about my pethetic issues
this is not me saying im special just because im in pain
this is not me saying that im the only one feeling, this

this IS me saying what i feel,
this is me expressing, in the best way i know how, my dissadisfaction with life in general

and i am unhappy with my life
and i am tired of living
and im not going to kill my self any time soon

iv spent my thnaks giving sitting in my room, i cleaned it though, it hasnt looked this good in a long time. i could really go for something, adderall, loratab, oxycotten's!
this guy i went camping with the other day said he could get me oxycottens.
fyi, thats synthetic heroin!, pharmacy grade
the closest thing iv had to heroin is opium, and its amazing
fyi, heroin is a concentrated form or opium.
i watched requem for a dream yesterday, thats one of the better movies iv ever seen.
it really has a different view on drugs. not nessaraly true imo, but a different view non-the-less
o well, i'll be back latter.

where do people like me end up?
how do we live?

thoes of us real enough to question our own existance

thoes of us who quit

thoes of us....

all of us....

so i think im going to start posting again. i dunno
i said that last time, but im pretty serious this time
alot of things happened today.

i dont really feel like going into detail about it. i probably will latter.
i just wanted to say something, anything, iv been in my room all day today, i havent even eaten today
i just feel like somthign terrable is growing inside me.

im fine
im just pissed, with no cause.
i need a cigarette
im almost out, me and my "friend" went camping, he fucking stole like half my pack
i dont know what to do now, i should be going over to my friend camron's house, he might be able to get me some, if not he'll let me have some.
camron is one of the true friends i have left. he is one of the few people iv ever met like him
we think alot alike, or at times we do.
ether way, i need a cancer stick, lol
good night
love
-clovers

don't ask why, but I feel really bad today, I probably look it too. I did get to work today, I'm not even getting paid for it, its fucking ga---- ....wait, I haven't even updated this thing in like 2 months.

ok, I got a job at a local TV place, I help them work on TV's, who would thought..
I don't get paid yet, although I might soon, it depends on my boss. my life is pretty normal now, im still a looser, a geek and I hate people. I still do drugs, I still smoke, I still masturbate (you'll never get me to stop that Mr. cornbread man!!!!!!!!) there's no love in my life(big surprise there) my dad stopped being so damn bitchy lately (it'll start again) and im hungry.

that's about it

so, ya, I worked today, only for like two hours, but hey, at least I am working, I never thought I would, but look at me now.
I haven't found a good song lately, I need a good depressing song. I feel too normal, I need to hurt, I need to feel something, iv just been plain lately, bland, numb, there's nothing.
im out of cigarettes too, im going to be a grumpy grumpy clover for the next few days.


o ya, on the major news, my notebook is under investigation by the school
apparently they didn't like the baby fetus on the inside, holding the 38 special (its a gun) or the pentacle on the back (international sign for the devil!!! bwaaaaaa)
so, ya, I don't have my beloved notebook now, it pisses me off because that thing was the last form of self expression I had, now I have nothing, now no one will see who I am or what I be leave. im just some preppy looking guy at school with a fucked up back pack. if you want to base it on people's perception of me and how they view me, im normal. im clean, im what you'd expect out of a stereotypical high school student, and I hate it. a lot.
fuck fuck fuck
I dun no
im tired
ah
dman it
ok
im gunna go,
love
clovers**

Date:	2003-10-13 13:44
Subject:	memories
Security:	Public
Mood:	blank
Music:	blink 182: adams song

today is the type of day you save for memories.
not just any memories, the ones that hurt
its raining today, i had a few friends over yesterday.
im tired, tired of friends, and it rained today
memories
that is why i am here, my journal
all i ever put in here are sad memories
thats probably why i havent been here in awhile
things have been going good lately
i have a couple friends, i still listen to my emo music, but i dont look at it the same
i dont look for reasons to be depressed
i just live in my life
the life that part of me is creating
the part that i thought was a mask, the part i thought was just a act i put on for people, so they wouldnt know; what i am, who i am, that thing i used to be
but now, that part has taken over my life
i dont cut anymore
except today, but thats what days like today are saved for, right?


o ya, by the way, its winter now,
hence the rain
i kept saying i would end my life when winter came, but i didnt expect what happened to have happened
so, i guess im cured
if thats what you want to call it

but, all this is not what i wanted to talk about

i remember me, the way i used to be
too ignorant to know about life
i used to be depressed because i didint like the thought of feeling any way else
i wish i could live back then, everything was pure, hate, love, every emotion came in waves
i used to sit in my room, in the middle of the floor, window open, stareing at the celling
all my friends would call, they would ask what i was doing, they would ask if i was ok
people cared more back then
i was 13 when it started
im 17 now
*sigh*
it seemes like so long
and yet not long enough
i dont know whats going to happen now,
i dont know if im ready to start living a normal life
i dont know if im ready to grow up
inside im still a little kid, afraid of the world and afraid of life
i dont know if i want to leave being that boy, sitting in his room, passing the time alone ...........

i just got my phone hooked back up, and i just thought to look though my text inbox, there all old messages but i read them again

1: i love you ted and rememer that you will keep me alive in thought
-jessica bollman
2: you dont f-ing care. youll 4get about me after you leave
-jessica bollman
3: easly u alreawdy have. u try to 4get the amazing times we had 2 gather. let me go ted why are you trying so hard?
-guess who?
4: i love you ted, let me die, please
-jessica bollman
(me "i love you")
5: fuck you, dont lie
-jessica
(i said some smart ass comment)
6:who said this was a game? im not kidding. im setting here @ the corner of 3rd ave & 1st st,
-jessica
7: with a blade about to kill my self, do i need to be more blunt?
-jessica
8: no!...you turned me down and now its my turn!
-jessica
9:how dioes it feel ted?
10: u said it felt wrong
11: dont try to pitty me out of it
12: fuck, shut up
13:you would have never wanted me back, you said it felt wierd

before i made her try and commit suicide

14: ted, i dont know how many times i could tell you i love you, you are a angel missing from heaven and i am the luckiest person in da world 2 have known u


thats about it, i dont really have a point to prove or anything, that was just one of theos nights i was to rememeber

i still didnt care for her afterwards, i just did it because i wouldnt like to have cops at my house asking why a girl called me a ton of times and then killed her self in the middle of the city
but still, there is a part of me that misses her, quite a bit
o well, good night

everythings falling appart, its about that time anyways
everything has to fall appart some time i guess
janaha and jesus (aka lee) broke up, iv made it my mission to hook him up with another girl, kaitie adare,
this girl is almost perfect
she is beautifull, friendly and just a great person
last night me and three other friends slept at my house, me, jesus, kyle and arron
we went in on a quarter of hydro and smoked most of the night, i didnt even get that high, probably on account of the other drugs iv been on lately, but thats a whole nother entry
anyways, jesus still talkes to janaha (they broke up)
last night we were talking about random dumb shit, kyle asked him if he was going to go out with katie and he said he was going to just play the two of them
i got so pissed
i went out side, before i gave my self the chance to hit him

im not the type of person to really care about other peope, or there relationships
i dont even care about mine
but this girl is a friend to me
she is a great person
and to hear someone talk about her like that just really pissed me off
she is one of the best looking girls in my school, has plans, does good in school and has a great reputation as a good person and is smart, witty, sharp

+

::sigh::
i guess im just a little jellious, people like me end up dieing alone....
nice guys finnish last


ttyl

love
-clovers-

its been awhile, well, longer then usuall
its becomming harder and harder to generate a answer when i ask my self "whats new in my world today"
i did have a pretty good time yesterday, my school had a home comming game and then a dance.
my friend kyle and i went with the mission of getting waisted, and we did.
acthually, now that i have a moment to reflect on the whole week, i spent most of the time on something.
i guess this is one of thoes little fits i go though, the on and off game iv been play with my drug abuse.
next week i'll be bragging about how iv been clean for the past day or two.
lol
everyone keeps reminding me that my birthday is next week.
all i want for my birthday is to be out of this house, away from all of this. the drugs, the yelling, i want to wash my hands of it all and start my life. im a 17 year old boy who hasent yet grow up.

+

but, on a softer subject, yesterday was one of the better experiences with achole iv had.
the first time i ever drank, i sat in the woods, with a friend. i kneeled down, screamed the words to my presonal song of choice back then, and scratched my wrists untill they bled

.....this isnt really the type of subject i was looking for.....


ah, janaha and jesus, thats something good to talk about
there my personal symbol that i can do good in the world
jesus, or rather lee is a new kid at my school, he moved here from england.
janaha, or rather rat girl, is a old friend of mine
she's one of thoes people who, no matter what, always has the best attutide about most everything
i introduced the two and the next moment there lovers

i feel proud of them, but i also see what i dont have, in them.
i notice what im missing

i keep finding my self dwelling on that, this, the fact that i dont have anyone
i keep listening to all the wrong songs
i keep finding my self looking at couples, lovers, with envious eyes

+

we read the raven the other day, it is one of my more favorable edgar allen poe stories.
im a ex-A.E. Poe fan.
i didnt notice, untill i was about half way through the story, the small wet circles on the page, the tear rolling down my cheek.
everyone was entranced in the story as well, so no one saw i think.
that would be disasterious for the image i use at school. it would be a great gaping hole in the mask i wear.

::sigh::

i really should be doing something. i should be living up the last moments of my freedom
the period before this house turns hostile again.
::a requem for my freedom::

i'll write more once my parents are back im shure, when i'll be forced to restrain to the confinds of my room

bye

love
-clovers-

Date:	2003-09-16 18:14
Subject:	its been awhile
Security:	Public
Mood:	lonely
Music:	johnny cash- hurt

my parents went out of town for a week or so, i just finnished raiding the medicine cabnet, i found three things,
1. mirapex, a pill used to help ease the syntoms of parkenson's disease, it also has a side effect of hullisniations
2. topamax, i forgot at the moment what this one was for
3. skalaxin, a prescription muscle relaxer, and a old favorite
i also baught some 30mg adderals today, my school is a playground for an aspiring pill poper
.......


but, besides the new drugs my lifes pretty shity.
the biggest thing is that im bored,
not bored as in "theres nothing to do at the moment"
im tired of living, i havent been really depressed lately, im just bored
well, bored and lonely, but thats ok i guess,
i go to school every day, i have a pretty well developed social life now,
but they dont know me. they just know what i show them, and they beleave it.
i have yet to find a person who is the same as me.

to be honnest
i miss jessica, no one ever hurt me like she did
i could feel when i was with her
she took her pain and made it mine

me having her felt better then me not having anyone

+

i learned something ironic today,
i know a kid with down syndrom, he's kind of my better side
iv know him for a while now, i talk to him because he's funny
and retarded

anyways, i was eating lunch with a kid i know and a few other people, we were talking about him.
one of the kids i was eating with said he used to know him before he devoloped down syndrome
he said he used to be a really big bully (this was in like 2nd grade)
he said he was really mean to everyone.

i thought it funny because he was talking about a retarded, overweight kid, a kid who used to give me hugs every day. as soon as i would walk into gym class he could come hobbiling up with two fingers pointed in the air, the other hand on the side of his face, all while yelling my name, well my name with a slur at the end. lol

::sigh::
memories

o well, im sorry for not posting in here more, i'll try to get around to it more offten

love
-clovers-

Date:	2003-09-07 09:57
Subject:	the season for suicides
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused
Music:	engine down: death perception

winter is comming, the tempetature peeked at 76 degrees yesterday, it probably wont get over 60 today
this is my time of the year
everything is already starting to die (including me)
i thought i would be alot worse be this time then i am
it has to be the people at school, so called friends
there getting to me
i guess it just meens im going to have to make up for lost time
this is the season for suicides
this is the season for long sleved shirts
i can finnaly start cutting again

+

i have to go, its time to get out of this house

love
-clovers-

my day was going pretty good, up till when i got a fucking detention in algebra 2, sufice it to say, i was quite pissed
i guess my days been ok besides that, i havent bothered to update this in a couple days, so
Info: iv been clean the past couple days, no drugs what so ever, just cigarettes
i spent most of last night thinking about a girl i used to date, i really miss her
she was bipolar and a manic depressive
she was the one who got me started cutting, (when i used to cut)
she put me through more hell in a week then what i would have gone though in a year
and i loved her for it
most people see pain, sorrowfull events in one's life, as something to avoid. i always looked at pain as something that makes you stronger.
when you can watch someone kill them selves over and over, you learn how to stop feeling for them, you learn how to stop feeling for people in general
she was the one who taught me not to care about people i love
she taught me not to feel anything
i cant really say i love her, im more grateful and i respect her for treating me the way she did
even though, towards the end, i made her care for me, and it was me who hurt her more then anyone else ever had

+

i never like hurting people but sometimes it has to be done, if for nothing else, then for the person your hurting
when people love people like me they just end up wanting to die (suck a romantic notion)

*

o well, thats enough treking through the past for today
time to do home work


love
-clovers-

about this time of year my allergies get really bad, iv beed sick the past couple days
it feels good ether way
my father has a bad back and has to take pain killers
yesterday i took 4 oxycodines from him, went to the fair and played around for a little while
i went with a old friend
he says we were the origional losers here, in columbia, tennessee
in a way he's right, we were the first kids in middle school to smoke cigarettes and pot
all the other kids thought it was bad and strayed away from it
now though, all the other kids here are into alot heaver shit,
i talked to my friend bret, he just got back from rehab, he got heavy into coke and meth (he knows some dealers for yours truely)
he invited me over to trip some shrooms with him sometime
he's really quite funny, he'll start looking at something and then completly forget everything and just stare at it
the acid or meth is to blame for that
he's clean now, but his brain is fryed....he used to be such a nice kid too

+

i need to go
be back latter


love
-clover-