Blurty for to live and lie in color.

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Monday, January 24th, 2005

Time:11:53 am.
Mood: amused.
Music:pop music.. what else. :D.
hi. i have not typed in here for like nine thousand months. :) i am back. i got a livejournal, but i do not see what all of the lj hype is. i like blurty just as much, if not more. in fact i might just start updating more often.. even if no one but me will be reading it.
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Saturday, August 30th, 2003

Subject:the heat will step up. LooLLJjklawekas.
Time:11:25 am.
long time, no seee. the modem has made a comeback! woot woot. :D:D:DDD

school started, and it is stupid. and i do not like it... it's just the same old shit, different year. lol. of course... but i'm not as sick i was last year, at all. last year i was so messed up, i couldnt even handle one class.. panic attacks suck. :| but yeaaaaah..... hea. this year is much better so far. but i miss aaron so much during the day.. and i dont see him for daysss at a time. we've been together since may, so go us! we're doing good... i love him a lot. he makes me smile a lot. hea. we're just faboooolous together, it's great. i dono... i dont trust him a lot though. i get depressed a lot lately. i'm just miserable sometimes. i miss deika! and parker. and fadus evennnnn. i wish we could hang out more. but between her job, and me and aaron nafus, it's not that easy. :\ oh will allow us to be together more, so good!

mom is telling me about her dream. she always dreams about losing her baby, and not being a good enough mom. that's too bad, she's an awesome mom.. she's mah best friend, i do believe. lol, now she's reading an email from her sisters... i'm going to listen. tata.
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Monday, August 4th, 2003

Time:5:41 pm.
Mood: hot.
deika had the kiddddd! it is an adorable baby boy, parker james. i just love him to pieces. aaron and i have gone to see him and his parents quite a few times since he was born on the 29th.

UhHHhhhhhhh. i'm at aaron's. mom still wont give me the modem but go figure. i dont have a job either. go figure! hah. but i should be turnin in my app. from that store in deadwood.. err. jobs suck. :P

um i love aaron - things are up and down there. but hey, he loves me.... and i love him. so shit should work itself out. or at least, we'll work it out. i hope. awww shit, never mind.

it is fucking hot in here! steve nafus needs to modernize himself and get some central fuckin' air.

rally's going on... the rally sucks. stupid tourists, bad drivers, slutty sluts, loud bikes (but also very nice looking bikes!) and uHHhhhhh too many fuckin' vendors and people and gay music. in fact tonight is the first night of the 3 street dances to take place on main street in belle. GAY GAY GAY GAYLSKDJFKLASFD. but yah, aaron wants me to join him and his family.. and eghlkajf. i'm going. i guess i dont really mind. i only have to deal with it once a year... that's once too many if you ask me, but yeah. ahem. good times at ridgemont high.

k errrrrrrr.... bye.
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Thursday, June 26th, 2003

Time:2:08 pm.
Mood: mellow.
ok i'm at aaron's. go figure. uh, no internet- mom took it away. that's pretty lame, but ohh well. i can get on here or at dad's. i'm not exactly dying. my car is covered in mud. cause we went mud bogging - in a frickin taurus. hah. but it was fun..even though the beast looks terrible.

boston, here i come. on the 9th. i already mentioned that, but yea. i'm excited, but i also don't want to go. i lovee traveling..but. i don't know. lol i don't know why i wouldn't be 100% stoked to be leaving sodak. but i am, so i hope mom and i have a gooood time. shoppinngklajsdf. :D

yesterday was mom's birthday. andy's birthday too. go team him, not. he's in the army, and sad to say, i don't miss him much at all. err.. OH today is one month for meh and aaron. uh, yeah go team us too.

oh dear, elvis aaron wants to download music, someone is rar at me today. oh god. lol.. k bye caleb knapp. bye i love you. <3
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Monday, June 16th, 2003

Subject:swing, swing!
Time:6:24 pm.
Mood: dorky.
Music:guttermouth- she's got the look.
hi, hi. i haven't been here for awhile. and mom is taking the net if i don't get a job by friday. lame. it should be my choice whether or not i work. but ohh, whatever. i'm thinking about going to gage's gardens. i like flowers. so uh, go team. XDXP

things with aaron are terrificccc. lol, well, i think so at least. <3<3 i love him. after um duh, 3 weeks. i'm lame. LoOoooserrr. lol. but hey, it is a good feeling. he loves me, he tells me. i'll keep my fingers crossed that we'll last a long time. he's good for me. even though taco john's thinks he is their slave. damn those mexicans!

leaving for boston/cape cod on the 9th of july. i'll only be gone for 8 days. i don't know how i'll go 8 whole days without seeing aaron.. but eh, i guess i'll manage. :\ as long as i can talk to him almost every day. shoot. there'll be excellent shopping, gorgeous art, lots of people and places and things to seeee, and wonderful beaches. mom and i should have a grand old time. mmm.. too bad aaron couldn't come. hah, that would rool hard if he could.

deika is 8 months along.. phewf. i hope to god i'm not gone when she has the baby. that would suck soo bad. i've gotta hold her hand! even though she'll probably break it. lol. it'll be worth it. :) uHhh.. ok so. walt is in the hospital. dad, erica, and i went to a funeral in nodak last week. sadness. rrrr. cat and mouse with alex/alec/tyler/aaron and i was so00O(jhodajdsf much fun. lol, burn out. belle is probably covered with blackies from me and the ever beastly taurusmobile. lol ok no one knows what i'm talking about, except for me. good times though.. aaron, i won't kill you. sometimes i almost do, but i won't. lol, i promise! xoxo.

mom and i just got back from rose hill. we walked the dog in the cemetery. as usual. i love it up there, it's so beautiful. <3 :) there are so many people who died young buried up there. like, uh, a kid named douglas steinmeyer, he was 19. or the little dawkins girl, she was 12. hrmm..i enjoi looking around up there, in sort of a perverse way. i know, i know, it's a bit morbid of me. but it's intriguing.. i like it a lot. XP heh.

umm ok i don't know what else to talk about. caleb is being a fuckhead, and i just think our friendship has died.. for now, or forever, i don't know. and i'm not worried about it at all. so go team. crustard doesn't call as often, although he hasn't given up completely. lol brit, my dearest, i think you scared him off when you answered the phone last time. :D you rockkk. and he smells, lol.

k, bye!
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Friday, May 30th, 2003

Subject:how do you block the sound of a voice you know is really there?
Time:2:32 am.
Mood: numb.
Music:poe- hey pretty remix.
..hi. it is so hot in here.. the weather's really warming up. i'm about to turn on the ac, whether mom's ready for it or not. phewf. i'm with aaron now.. it's only been a few days. i like him a lot though. at first i was like, well. he likes me, and i'm definitely interested, so what the hell. and now i'm glad we're together, we get along really well. he makes me laugh, we like a lot of the same things, and i'm so comfortable with him. aw shit, it's like me going on and on about mike. mike had a rep... he's a he slut. i didn't believe it though. aaron has a rep of being a little possessive, but having good relationships. and that sounds good to me. i'm independent, and stubborn as hell, but i like it when my guy is a bit possessive of me. it makes me feel good to know that he's mine.

internet relationships are fucking pathetic. here's to brit, who has the guts to tell the truth, whether zane adolph likes it or not. :) i love you fadus. the right one will come along eventually, i promise. zane and brittney lynn kitchen. well, their deformed ears and belly buttons will function perfectly together, i'm sure. and the cleft palet will be the perfect finishing touch. so go team them. phone sex rules.

walt is.. um.. well, kansas i think. i'm not quite sure. i don't even know where he's going. he said something about how he tricked the police, but he wouldn't tell my mom about it, because she'd get upset. he's been driving 90 mph through road contsruction. among other stupid things. like, what the hell is the point? i know he's sick, i know he needs to go to a mental hospital, i know he thinks the government is tracking him, and his paranoia is worse than ever before. god damnit, walt. i'm scared for him, i'm frustrated with him, i miss him so much, and i just want to break down and cry. i haven't cried for quite awhile. shoot, i don't even remember the last time i did. i'm getting sick of all of this shit. i want to focus on mom, dad and the fam, friends, my relationship with aaron, and having fun this summer. the people i care about, and enjoying myself. dad is on me about getting a job, i get shit all of the time for being a dropout. not just from dad anymore. shit, whether someone is in high school or not doesn't much make a difference. it doesn't make the person they are. a high school dropout could be 50x more intelligent than a kid in school. but ok then, we'll let society think what they want. most people are stupid and narrow minded anyway. whatever, it's nothing new to me. i'll just put up with it. just, whatever.

i want to fall in love. falling in love feels so good, it makes all of the pain from the other parts of life go away. at least temporarily. and even though it probably wouldn't last, it would feel good for that short time. and it would be worth it. i don't know if i'm old enough to know what love is. i don't know if a 60 year old even knows what love is. who knows..who ever will. all i know is that i want to be loved, i want to love someone. but, whatever. it's not just going to happen, it'll take time. if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. mom says that sometimes.

it's time for me to get to bed. xoxoxoxoxo
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Monday, May 26th, 2003

Subject:back to the drawing board with the words you've heard a million times before..
Time:4:18 am.
Mood: tired.
Music:oasis- champagne supernova.
you guys might have a nice long sweet relationship but at the end he'd fuck you over-- caleb on aaron nafus.

so ok, aaron nafus is a cool kid. i don't know him that well at all, but he sure seems to like me. he said he liked what he saw tonight and at the kegger on thurs. my personality drew him in, he told me. that makes me feel good. but caleb says aaron will just fuck me over no matter what. :\ damnit, why am i always so confused? why can't i stand to be alone? i hate this so much, and i hate myself for it. mike used me. justin and bob were right all along-- all mike ever wanted was sex. and now he's done with me. i don't want to talk about it, i don't want to dwell on it. forget him. i'm ashamed for falling for it, and even more disgusted by males than i ever have been. but i still want to find one that will hold me when i cry and when i laugh. through everything, ya know? caleb likes me a lot, i guess, and i feel terrible. because ya know, i just can't go out with a close friend. i went out with erich and when we broke up it was all shades of fucked up. we weren't friends for months and months. i don't want that to happen with caleb and i. because he is a good person, and a good friend. relationships with friends just mess the friendships up. i'm not gonna do it again. just, no. so ok, mike hayworth is a jerk to the maximum extreme. i have no respect for him at all. as far as i'm concerned, he's a terrible person who has no or extremely poor morals. i wonder if he has anything to say for himself. probably not. but ok, i have to look on the bright side. at least i got laid. XP lol.

that aaron nafus. i don't even know him very well. but he can spell, haha. that's a plus for sure! he said he's been single for quite awhile and he's been looking for someone he's interested in. and he said he's finally found her. then he changes his sn to "...there's this girl." lol. so ok that's cool micki. i'm looking for another security blanket, just some male to make me feel decent. i don't know what my deal is. psychology today says that girls who grow up with poor, little or no contact or relationship with a father have trouble with serious relationships. they're more likely to divorced. and they will date guy after guy after guy, just to have a male companion there for her when she needs him. i guess i'm a statistic. heh. aaron's cute. i want to get to know him better though. i'll go see him tomorrow night. eek, tonight. it's almost 5 am. but.. i think i'm looking forward to spending time with him? lol. brittani and i are heading to belle around 9, i believe. at least that's the plan. i want him to hug me and i want to kiss him and i just want to feel like ok, i've got a guy who wants me, for whatever reason. but i am not going to have sex with that kid unless we date for a long time.. shit. i always say that. but i'm going to try again. i'm going to try so hard. i'm sick of feeling all used up and dirty and slutty. i might as well start charging, eh? ugh --- that 'thing' with mike was pathetic. i can't believe i didn't listen to justin n bob.. or at least see through his false compassion. bastard. when i shower, i scrub and scrub like i'm covered in dirt. i get the water so hot it hurts and i take a loofah and attack my skin. my legs, my arms, my stomach. everything... i am so ashamed and used, so i wash and wash, as if i can scrub it all away. but the shame never goes away, that ache is always there. i'll get over it. i'm not hurt that he doesn't like me anymore. i was for so long. but i don't give a shit that he doesn't like me anymore, because he isn't much of a person. i'm just disgusted by what he did.

maybe this aaron nafus thing isn't such a bad idea. i don't know... if what caleb says is true, i'll end up getting hurt again. but a life lived without taking risks is no life at all. i've been hurt 805808340183407697234 times before. once more wouldn't be a big deal i suppose, and it'd give me one more thing to bitch about here. lol... i think i'm going to rapid with brittani and aaron e. tomorrow. i'd better get some sleep.

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Saturday, May 24th, 2003

Subject:i've been dying just to feel you by my side, to know that you're mine..
Time:12:06 pm.
Mood: stressed.
Music:nin- closer.
i woke up before 4 pm, pretty damn amazing. mom wants to do something today. i don't know what.. i think she wants to go to rapid, shopping. ok, we'll see. whatever. xP

i'm kind of in a depressed mood this morning. i've only been up for like half an hour, so i'm sure things will start looking up in awhile. i hope. damnit- last night i hung out with caleb for 2 hours, then we saw matt, mike, and justin in spearfish and they told us to follow them to belle. mike puked all over the cab of justin's truck. i've never seen him that drunk. he couldn't even see us, and he saw a coke can and was completely amazed by it. it was awful. matt was drunk, but he's cool. he picks me up and swings me around, he's a neat guy. errr. and justin asked me out. and i was like, no, we don't even know each other. ok, they're great people, and they're lots of fun, but i don't even know why i hang out with the people i do sometimes. heh. ^_^ oh well. most of the time i enjoy myself, so alright, go me.

last night i was at my dads house, and susan the evil stepmother started asking me about this fall when i go back to school. "haha so you'll be a sophomore again! that's cool, lisa" and i was like "no susan. i'll be a junior." and she laughs in a mean way, and smirks at me. "ummmmm ohhh i'm sure. you don't even have sophomore credits." stupid bitch -- ok so what. i'll make them up, i'll get caught up. that's my business though. dumb, dumb woman... she was so mean about it. it disgusts me. thanks for your support, bitch. same to my dad, he laughs at me and tells me i'll just be a truck driver so i should start signing up for a job driving 'em right now. thanks, pops. thanks a fuckin' lot. my biological father makes me feel like a big huge nothing, and my stepdad, walt, is um... i don't know where. he just took off like a month and a half ago. he just packed all of his stuff, cleaned his apartment, and left the state. i think he's going to portland, oregon. i have no idea though. i miss him so much. he was like a father to me. and now what? now i've got mom. mom's great, but i want a stable, supportive father figure in my life. sucks to be me. kids with daddys just don't realize how lucky they are.
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Friday, May 23rd, 2003

Subject:take my breath away.. love me now, leave me never.
Time:7:43 pm.
Mood: aggravated.
alright.. i've still got some work to do on this. i'll ask brit for help. i thought it was about time for a new journal that wasn't pink and didn't talk about andrew nelson. heh. so here i am!

ok it's friday. so thrilling. went to a kegger last night, and well. it was pretty fun i guess, but it wasn't the time of my life. i'm making cookies for my sisters. caleb just called. i guess i'll hang out with him later. mom is being a complete pain. "come make another batch! you don't even need to take them over to your dads tonight!" duh. she knows i'd see friends. oh it's the end of the world as we know it -- i know it would be terrible if i saw some friends. i wish brit didn't work so much, i miss hanging out with her. at least she has jobs though. i'm just a slacker who can't handle a schedule. :\ mah bad. :O

- i got meh cartilage pierced yesterday- left ear. it hurts something terrible. much worse than last night. boo.
- i need a new cell phone bad bad.
- mom is leaving for billings in a week or so. she doesn't want me to stay here for 3 nights alone. big fucking deal. i'm not a child anymore. i think i'd be able to handle locking the doors at night. ~_~ rrr. =P XP but she says i should just go stay at my dads. forget that. i am not staying there. him and susan would just tear into me and make me feel like shit. i don't know what i'd do if i had to be in that house for more than 24 hours.
- my kitten, jack, can't come home with me, says mom. i'd pay for his shots, his neutering, all of that. i feed the cats, i'll even clean the shit box if i have to. >.< what the hell. i don't see what it would hurt. cats really aren't that much to handle. but ook, right. whatever. it's just ridiculous. it wouldn't hurt anything. when i'm a parent, i'll be sure not to be a tight ass. i'll be straight forward, honest, and lenient. but uh sometimes that doesn't happen for me. lol- as i complain about not getting a cat. mannn i'm a loser.
- my ear fucking hurts!

i'm going to go now. i'll write more another time.. and i hope to have the journal looking better when i do. ciao.
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Subject:oh fun, a new journal..
Time:7:37 pm.
just testing. ^_^
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Blurty for to live and lie in color.

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You're looking at the latest 10 entries.