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"til' i get over you"- Michelle Branch [23 Nov 2004|06:52pm] [ mood | accomplished ] I was sitting here, listening to one of those depressing songs I have been listening to recently, and I finally realized that he has so much power over me. Now I am going to do something about it. I won't let him hurt me anymore. I wont let him walk all over me. The only thing I will ever give him is my friendship, nothing else. No more touching me, screwing me. I can only offer one thing, and that will never be sex again. So maybe he used me, maybe we are "just friends," but one thing I know is that I can get over it, and I learned from my mistakes. Yeah, mistake. But I believe we need to make them, so we can all learn. It teaches us not to care so much about the stupid little things. Just get over it, and get on with your life. What doesn't kill me will make me stronger... and I am alive and awake. 1 comment|post comment

? [21 Nov 2004|03:51pm] [ mood | relieved ] Mightyry430: hey whats up Auto response from CheerCrazey: might go mini-golfing,... but im out so call the cell. CheerCrazey: hey CheerCrazey: whatssssssss uppppppppppppppppppppppp CheerCrazey: lol ok nevermind then! CheerCrazey: cya Mightyry430: hey wait 10 Auto response from CheerCrazey: out and about! :-* 209-3652 Mightyry430: i'm in the shower Mightyry430: hey Mightyry430: whats goin on CheerCrazey: whats up losser Mightyry430: losser Mightyry430: hmm Mightyry430: lol Mightyry430: not too much just got out of the shower CheerCrazey: nice ;-) CheerCrazey: lol CheerCrazey: how was the wv dance? Mightyry430: it was actually pretty cool... Mightyry430: i was only there for an hour or so CheerCrazey: awesome im glad it was cool Mightyry430: yah Mightyry430: the best part was i knew all the words to the rap songs this time Mightyry430: lol CheerCrazey: wow... Mightyry430: what did you do last night? party at the lake? CheerCrazey: yeah Mightyry430: did you get hammered? CheerCrazey: i got a pedicure too :-) Mightyry430: lol it's about damn time... CheerCrazey: lol have u talked to sky yet? Mightyry430: no why CheerCrazey: lol Mightyry430: i think he was going shooting this morning CheerCrazey: he has something to tell you Mightyry430: what happened? Mightyry430: lol how about you tell me Mightyry430: cause i doubt he'll tell me CheerCrazey: i promised him that he could tell you CheerCrazey: its nothing big Mightyry430: did he bone someone? CheerCrazey: no Mightyry430: did you tell him we boned Mightyry430: just tell me then i'll act surprised CheerCrazey: no CheerCrazey: he got stoned CheerCrazey: lol Mightyry430: lol serious? Mightyry430: how did he act CheerCrazey: yep Mightyry430: that's hella funny CheerCrazey: relaxed CheerCrazey: and chill Mightyry430: ben must have been out at the lake CheerCrazey: and dumb sometimes Mightyry430: he's gonna turn into a stoner now if he liked it CheerCrazey: he said he didnt feel anything Mightyry430: lol Mightyry430: yeah nothing has an effect on him CheerCrazey: but thats the thing, you dont feel it, it is just what it is Mightyry430: oh hah Mightyry430: cause when he drinks a lot nothing happens Mightyry430: he just pukes the next day CheerCrazey: weird! CheerCrazey: so was there an after party? Mightyry430: did you get stoned too? Mightyry430: haha no, or else i wasn't invited since i'm a traitor now CheerCrazey: lol Mightyry430: dude my date was so lame, she didn't say 10 words all night i don't think CheerCrazey: haha CheerCrazey: that sucks Mightyry430: i think i was there for the pictures and that's about it Mightyry430: so hey, anything cool go down at the lake CheerCrazey: lol CheerCrazey: so many people say i look like pam Mightyry430: did jensen finally get a piece of you??? Mightyry430: those bastards Mightyry430: i started that CheerCrazey: i asked them why, because i have big boobs? and they were all yea and you actually have the same kinda facial structure CheerCrazey: lol CheerCrazey: i was laughing Mightyry430: i think it's the hair and eyes CheerCrazey: i was like Mightyry430: did you smoke, drink, mess around.... CheerCrazey: umm, im wearing a sweatshirt how can u tell i have big boobs? CheerCrazey: ooh CheerCrazey: yeah Mightyry430: lol Mightyry430: no you didn't Mightyry430: you loser CheerCrazey: i smoked and drank like 2 shots CheerCrazey: it was a toast to me Mightyry430: lol you'd stopped smoking for the longest time too CheerCrazey: lol CheerCrazey: i know CheerCrazey: i dont know why i did it Mightyry430: if skyler did it then everyone must have done it Mightyry430: did he drink? CheerCrazey: maybe because i was pretty fazed from the alcohol CheerCrazey: lol CheerCrazey: yeah CheerCrazey: every1 drank CheerCrazey: it was a keggar Mightyry430: who was all out there? CheerCrazey: everyone Mightyry430: i hate beer Mightyry430: damn CheerCrazey: it was pretty packed Mightyry430: who is everyone? CheerCrazey: like everyone Mightyry430: kristin and her group of bitches? lauren? CheerCrazey: anyone who is anyone was there CheerCrazey: no CheerCrazey: not them Mightyry430: hah Mightyry430: shanel? CheerCrazey: yep Mightyry430: i heard something about how it was froebers party CheerCrazey: no Mightyry430: or maybe that's sometime coming up Mightyry430: are you still going camping on the coast with us in a few weeks? CheerCrazey: yeah i wouldnt want to go to frobers CheerCrazey: i dont trust him after he gave tony his keys to drive home that night tony died CheerCrazey: yeah that would be fun Mightyry430: i'm not inviting jensen, he didn't invite me Mightyry430: he's on the shitlist right now CheerCrazey: he didnt invite you because he could only invite like 5 ppl CheerCrazey: and he wanted all the chicks Mightyry430: still CheerCrazey: lol Mightyry430: bitch Mightyry430: i'm only inviting 5 people to to coast CheerCrazey: ok CheerCrazey: cool Mightyry430: i'm over it Mightyry430: he can go CheerCrazey: no CheerCrazey: jensen annoys me Mightyry430: lol whatever CheerCrazey: dont invite him Mightyry430: you have a picture of him on your whiteboard and it's like highlighted in 5 diff colors CheerCrazey: lol he did that CheerCrazey: duh Mightyry430: mike and jillian annoy me cause they either bitch or bone CheerCrazey: yeah lol CheerCrazey: ahhahaha Mightyry430: it's true Mightyry430: so anyways Mightyry430: no hooking up last night? CheerCrazey: no CheerCrazey: david tried to Mightyry430: no one? Mightyry430: lol david...you gotta give the kid effort points CheerCrazey: kimi wants brad CheerCrazey: i think Mightyry430: lol tweety? CheerCrazey: yep Mightyry430: isn't that kid ugly as fuck though CheerCrazey: tweeter lol Mightyry430: he's the party hookup but that's about it CheerCrazey: he's cool Mightyry430: but i don't know him, only what i've heard CheerCrazey: and hella funny Mightyry430: lol alright then CheerCrazey: do you know dan mider? CheerCrazey: hes hilarious Mightyry430: kimi is gonna get laid again Mightyry430: lol yeah Mightyry430: funny at someone else's expense CheerCrazey: haha Mightyry430: i can't believe everyone went out the lake in the freezing ass cold windy weather and no one macked Mightyry430: i picked a bad night to go to the wv dance CheerCrazey: ooh CheerCrazey: well ya CheerCrazey: people boned Mightyry430: haha Mightyry430: OH CheerCrazey: nicolina and jesse CheerCrazey: ewww Mightyry430: lol jesse was with kimi last weekend CheerCrazey: jesse is on every1s bad list now CheerCrazey: nicolina is disgusting Mightyry430: for stealing the morgan Mightyry430: oh Mightyry430: that sucks Mightyry430: why did he bone her then CheerCrazey: i dont know Mightyry430: oh well Mightyry430: did kimi hook up with brad? CheerCrazey: he is pimping on ugly chicks now CheerCrazey: no CheerCrazey: they just held hands when we were driving in the burban Mightyry430: intense CheerCrazey: lol CheerCrazey: it was actually cute Mightyry430: haha CheerCrazey: i cant believe i actually mean it too Mightyry430: you should have used a diff word CheerCrazey: ooh CheerCrazey: oops i 4got Mightyry430: it's all good Mightyry430: lol u need to protect her though Mightyry430: she's gonna be a skank Mightyry430: she's already boned a black guy CheerCrazey: haha CheerCrazey: ya i call her mrs. slut CheerCrazey: now Mightyry430: lol CheerCrazey: jensen thinks shes hella slutty CheerCrazey: haha he makes fun of her so much CheerCrazey: its all in good fun tho Mightyry430: lol just cause of matt too CheerCrazey: but still its funny CheerCrazey: but jensen and kimi have a bet Mightyry430: jesse must have game or else he just degrades himself to get ass CheerCrazey: she cant hook up for like 2 weeks Mightyry430: lol she'll do that Mightyry430: but if it's for money she won't cause she doesn't care about that CheerCrazey: so she cant get with anyone in seattle this weekend lol Mightyry430: lol due Mightyry430: dude* Mightyry430: you always hook up on trips too don't you? Mightyry430: are you gonna fuck CheerCrazey: no im not like that Mightyry430: i think i'm protective of you and don't even realize it CheerCrazey: virgin till marraige CheerCrazey: <<--- Mightyry430: i keep asking if you've hooked up or if you're going to CheerCrazey: thats great Mightyry430: lol Mightyry430: at least i care Mightyry430: i usually don't CheerCrazey: i care too Mightyry430: i think i wanna do lexie though Mightyry430: i've gotta be honest with you CheerCrazey: do her CheerCrazey: lol CheerCrazey: i luv her Mightyry430: lol Mightyry430: nah i'm gonna try to clean up my act Mightyry430: i'm gonna stop drinking CheerCrazey: im stopping everything Mightyry430: lol Mightyry430: duuuude you drank and smoked last night Mightyry430: you're going downhill CheerCrazey: so? CheerCrazey: i needed to get high Mightyry430: lol CheerCrazey: it was like my last time CheerCrazey: in highschool CheerCrazey: that i wanted to Mightyry430: alright alright CheerCrazey: it was a big party with all my friends CheerCrazey: it was great Mightyry430: i'm surprised it didn't get broken up or anything CheerCrazey: ya we have a cool spot Mightyry430: salt creek Mightyry430: that's where all the wv people party at CheerCrazey: hey do you know a gu named gary? CheerCrazey: from wv? Mightyry430: kimbrough? Mightyry430: or nibert CheerCrazey: i dont know CheerCrazey: hes a model? CheerCrazey: or going to be one CheerCrazey: ?? Mightyry430: lol no he's not going to be a model Mightyry430: we always joked about him being an underwear model though CheerCrazey: thats what sky said Mightyry430: sky is full of shit Mightyry430: lol CheerCrazey: that dumbass Mightyry430: he's like 5'5 but he's buff and tan Mightyry430: we used to tell him to show us his ass at football camp cause it was the closest thing to a girls ass that we could find Mightyry430: he's a cool guy though Mightyry430: why do you ask CheerCrazey: j/w Mightyry430: haha you horny little jenna Mightyry430: going for model's now? CheerCrazey: i saw a pic of him on skys phone CheerCrazey: and asked him about him Mightyry430: he has hair like jesus now CheerCrazey: and i think i saw him at sports LTD Mightyry430: like all the other wv guys CheerCrazey: when i went to get my pass pic Mightyry430: oh hey, i forgot to ask....how did david try to hook up w/ you? CheerCrazey: lol CheerCrazey: look at this Mightyry430: k CheerCrazey: thrivingextreme: so why didnt we hook up last night CheerCrazey: i dont know CheerCrazey: haha Mightyry430: i thought he had a gf anywys Mightyry430: anyways* CheerCrazey: i dont know what his deal is Mightyry430: lol what did he do though Mightyry430: did he do it ryan style where he just drove you somewhere dark and started ripping the clothes off? CheerCrazey: no CheerCrazey: lol Mightyry430: that's why he didn't get any CheerCrazey: thrivingextreme: you just want me to get to the stang CheerCrazey: lol thrivingextreme: am i right? CheerCrazey: CheerCrazey: :-) CheerCrazey: yeah i just wanna use you CheerCrazey: CheerCrazey: jk thrivingextreme: lol CheerCrazey: dave, you'd be hott even if you drove a beat up el camino CheerCrazey: thrivingextreme: why does everyone want to do that with me thrivingextreme: no cause i would make that elcamino a fuck hot ass ride CheerCrazey: thrivingextreme: lol CheerCrazey: haha thrivingextreme: then i would have a bed in the back so we could bone Mightyry430: lol i thought you only talked dirty with me CheerCrazey: i didnt say anything dirty to him Mightyry430: lol well this CheerCrazey: dave, you'd be hott even if you drove a beat up el camino Mightyry430: that would give me some hope CheerCrazey: im just making him feel better CheerCrazey: like he knows that he can try Mightyry430: haha CheerCrazey: but im being nice CheerCrazey: it doesnt mean he will get any Mightyry430: what did he try to do CheerCrazey: im not into that hook up shit anymore CheerCrazey: i think im growing up CheerCrazey: im more mature CheerCrazey: in some ways CheerCrazey: lol Mightyry430: i don't think you'd shut me down CheerCrazey: what makes you think that? Mightyry430: i just don't think you would CheerCrazey: u think you can just come around to get some when you wanted it? Mightyry430: it would feel too normal Mightyry430: lol i think you'd view it more as you getting some from ryan that ryan getting some CheerCrazey: i dont know CheerCrazey: ive changed my views on a lot of things Mightyry430: sure you have Mightyry430: you're still jenna CheerCrazey: grown up jenna Mightyry430: you're still jenna though CheerCrazey: yeah CheerCrazey: duh Mightyry430: don't tell me you're boring Mightyry430: you never have been CheerCrazey: lol im the funniest person alive CheerCrazey: to mike CheerCrazey: at least CheerCrazey: lol Mightyry430: even though we never got together the whole time we were "together" i was prob the happiest i've been in highschool CheerCrazey: are you serious? Mightyry430: i can't remember the last time i was in a bad mood Mightyry430: lol probably...like i was hella happy w/ becca but i still got pissed off from time to time and had enemies cause of her CheerCrazey: you have enemies with me CheerCrazey: lol Mightyry430: lol not legit ones though Mightyry430: people say shit but once they get to know me we're cool, or the other way around Mightyry430: like the david dude doesn't like me prob...but that's cause he's jealous for not being able to get some of you CheerCrazey: brad asked me about you and i boning Mightyry430: lol Mightyry430: and you said... CheerCrazey: and i said wtf? why does everyone think that CheerCrazey: im a virgin CheerCrazey: i even had my bracelet with the charm on it Mightyry430: haha all 6 people or however many DO know are just laughing at how pissed off we get when people don't believe the lies Mightyry430: so since you've matured does that mean i don't have to make a special trip down to the porn shop for you? CheerCrazey: i dont know yet CheerCrazey: i havent even been horny CheerCrazey: really Mightyry430: not to give myself any credit but ever since we called it off i haven't been horny and it sounds like you haven't either CheerCrazey: hmm CheerCrazey: yea who knows Mightyry430: i could be wrong Mightyry430: maybe yours has nothing to do woth me Mightyry430: with* CheerCrazey: i just hsvent felt turned on CheerCrazey: in a long time CheerCrazey: lol Mightyry430: honestly did you ever like me Mightyry430: or was it more of just wanting a piece CheerCrazey: yeah i liked you Mightyry430: why don't you anymore CheerCrazey: i could have had sex with any of the guys i've been with CheerCrazey: but i did with you CheerCrazey: now thats a big thing for me Mightyry430: i never understood that Mightyry430: i must have a pretty penis or something CheerCrazey: i dont know CheerCrazey: it was just so natural and i just dont know Mightyry430: haha the bug was an awesome experience too Mightyry430: lol CheerCrazey: hahaha CheerCrazey: funniest thing ever Mightyry430: we're doing it all again prom night CheerCrazey: haha CheerCrazey: what makes you think that, fella? Mightyry430: dude we've been through this... Mightyry430: you couldn't shut me down if you wanted to CheerCrazey: how is that so? Mightyry430: name one time when you shut me down CheerCrazey: that doesnt mean that time hasnt changed me though CheerCrazey: i dont think im into casual sex CheerCrazey: i was CheerCrazey: but CheerCrazey: i dunno Mightyry430: dont' make me feel cheap Mightyry430: neither was I CheerCrazey: im not trying to make you feel cheap at all CheerCrazey: its just i decided its not how i want things to be CheerCrazey: its crazy,....i used to have morals and all. I wanted to lose it to someone i was in love with or at least someone i was going out with. we just did it. and i think for awhile that whole thing was ok, just boning and all but ive changed, i dont want to go against my morals anymore CheerCrazey: u there? Mightyry430: yah Mightyry430: i don't really know what to tell you though/ Mightyry430: though?* Mightyry430: that kinda made me feel degraded CheerCrazey: you dont need to say anything CheerCrazey: degraded? Mightyry430: i don't ever feel like that Mightyry430: yah CheerCrazey: wtf CheerCrazey: i dont understand Mightyry430: it's alright CheerCrazey: let me tell you just this Mightyry430: hah allllright Mightyry430: here comes another slam CheerCrazey: i liked you ryan, but i felt shut down that one time you just said "let it burn" just like that usher song, so i figured it was never going to work out because that's what you said. and i just gave up because it seemed like you just wanted to be friends. CheerCrazey: and i'm not slamming you! Mightyry430: lol Mightyry430: you just kicked me in the balls CheerCrazey: im telling you everything i felt Mightyry430: well in that case i'm a dick 4 doing what i did CheerCrazey: you are not a dick at all ryan CheerCrazey: im so happy i gave it up to you CheerCrazey: you are the greatest guy ever CheerCrazey: seriosuly CheerCrazey: *seriously Mightyry430: lol Mightyry430: you don't have to kiss ass CheerCrazey: and im so happy that you came to shasta. you made it so much fun and interseting this year Mightyry430: if i were the greatest guy ever you'd have no regrets CheerCrazey: no Mightyry430: you do CheerCrazey: i dont regret it ryan CheerCrazey: i swear to god CheerCrazey: i've just changed my values CheerCrazey: thats all Mightyry430: i would have dated you so many times Mightyry430: like i had my mind made up Mightyry430: the only thing that always messed things up was you not speaking your mind CheerCrazey: yeah CheerCrazey: and now im totally maturing CheerCrazey: and i can CheerCrazey: i cant believe i used to be such a wimp CheerCrazey: lol CheerCrazey: im not a puss anymore Mightyry430: yeah you damn pussy Mightyry430: haha CheerCrazey: i laid it all on the table CheerCrazey: im not trying to make you feel bad or anything CheerCrazey: im telling you how i felt Mightyry430: don't worry CheerCrazey: its not like i feel that way anymore Mightyry430: i'm a little more concerned with how you're feeling right now than how I am Mightyry430: i don't have a lot of emotions that i have to deal with anyways CheerCrazey: yeah you do CheerCrazey: you have that emotion where you care where people think about you CheerCrazey: *what Mightyry430: no lol definetely not that CheerCrazey: you do CheerCrazey: you dont notice it CheerCrazey: but you do CheerCrazey: i used to be that way Mightyry430: one of my motivations to hook up with you was how people talked all the shit CheerCrazey: haha CheerCrazey: no way lol Mightyry430: lol it sounded nice to say "Fuck you" to everyone who didn't like what we were doing CheerCrazey: haha CheerCrazey: yeah CheerCrazey: the thing is i view it as a lost cause,.... because why should i like someone that doesnt like me back? you always said you just wanted to be friends. You even said we are never boning again, lol. So i said to myself ok nevermind then Mightyry430: lol Mightyry430: yah i can see where you are coming from CheerCrazey: and everyone else says you want the goods but thats it CheerCrazey: i didnt think of it that way though Mightyry430: ok not to make you feel like shit cause this works both ways Mightyry430: if you and I had just wanted sex we could have done that... Mightyry430: so fuck the people who say i just wanted the goods CheerCrazey: i know CheerCrazey: people are lame CheerCrazey: i cant wait until college CheerCrazey: this shit doesnt happen CheerCrazey: all this drama Mightyry430: lol don't shit yourself Mightyry430: there will always be dumbasses CheerCrazey: yeah Mightyry430: but look at the people who talk the most shit Mightyry430: name the top 3 shit talkers you know CheerCrazey: hmm CheerCrazey: kristen, melissa, and ...i dont know who else Mightyry430: lol Mightyry430: who's the last decent person they dated? CheerCrazey: disgusting people CheerCrazey: ooh wait CheerCrazey: last decent CheerCrazey: haha Mightyry430: or when's the last time someone had their back just cause they were a loyal friend CheerCrazey: yeah CheerCrazey: i know Mightyry430: now think of this... Mightyry430: when everyone was all pissed off at jildo you were there for her Mightyry430: and when people call skyler uncle fester i laugh and tell him that he still get SOME pussy... CheerCrazey: hahahaha Mightyry430: brb post comment

... [19 Nov 2004|04:12pm] [ mood | restless ] [ music | "Sad Happy"- Cold ] I am caught up in so many things righ now. There's college,... I got accepted to Chico State and made the final decision to go there! And there is school, with grades and all. Friends, as usual. Katelyn. Family. My future. Money. And then, there's Ryan. The one guy that means so much to me, but it's extremely hard to explain. I haven't known him forever. In fact, I met him this year. But the thing is, I will never forget him. I was a fool for doing some things that I now regret. I used to have morals. But all of them went away when Ryan swept me off of my feet... and damn, I'm still on the floor. I don't know what to do. I was never going out with him, and I feel into the desire to give myself away. I gave myself to him, and I feel like I was robbed because now I feel like I mean nothing to him. It hurts. Especially when you notice that he ment everything to me. I am, however, trying to find out if these feelings are actually real. Do I like him a lot just because we had sex? Or does it really mean something? I hope I can find the answer somehow... post comment

... [11 Oct 2004|11:53pm] [ mood | calm ] It's late, and I am finally starting to feel like my old self again... post comment

... [11 Sep 2004|06:58pm] [ mood | discontent ] Isn't it funny, how you can get shipped off to an eating disorder in-patient program, spend two months working on therapy, and come back and feel like it didn't really do anything to help. I mean, sure, you get all of the new knowledge, and you meet awesome friends (fucking awesome), and you get to have a chef even cook you your own food. But am I totally better? Is everything alright now? I've purged 3-4 times since I have been home. I'm currently restricting. Of corse I feel bad, this is what my eating disorder does to me. It makes me feel like shit. I'm the fatty. You need to lose weight. Don't touch that plate of food because you are a cow! That's all I hear in my head. each day. and it goes on and on and on and on. Well I think it's funny, sarcastically, and I am taking the last laugh. post comment

.... [02 Sep 2004|08:47pm] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | Ashlee Simpson- Pieces of Me ] I am here. I am still breathing. And I am OK with everything, for once. I am fine. 1 comment|post comment

its 1:00 and i am up [29 Aug 2004|12:58am] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | Avril Lavigne- "Take me away" ] I just got back from the night. Katelyn and I had a good night. We really had a nice talk, and I am so happy that we are friends again. For once in my life, I am not jealous of her. I am me. I can take it. So we go out to dinner at Chevy's and the waiter is like hitting on us. It's cute. The other waitress thought we were old enough to drink, and was like "Can I see some I.D. please?"...and we were like oh no we dont drink...hahha. So we drove around town and did nothing. We went to In N Out and saw Sara there with some other girls. We hung out for a bit then left. We went to Dutch Brothers coffee, and this awesome girl let me have a drink for free because I had never tried anything. She was a sweetheart. So after that, we drove back to Katelyns and I dropped her off. I felt like sleeping in my own bed, so I told her I was going home. I go home and then get a phone call from Laurel, saying that She and Sara and Bailey are stranded at AM PM, and they needed a ride. I drove there, picked them up, and then they wanted to do something so we were driving around for awhile. Laurel wanted to go to In N Out, so we did...and ended up seeing the boys. We were talking for a while, and then we left. I had to take Laurel and them home. I got a phone call from Mike, telling me to go hang out with him and Matt, but I said I would call him later. When I call him, I get the auto message. So now I am here, and getting ready to go to bed because I am completely wiped out for the night. post comment

a song for the guy i dont need in my life [28 Aug 2004|06:46pm] [ mood | content ] Don’t tease me with your words I don’t need that in my life The person you are inside you If full of bullshit hype If I would have seen the red flags I would have stopped to stare But with everything you hid from me Shows you never really cared I won’t be so foolish anymore I know now that I am strong This is not what life is worth living for I don’t need you to hold on So now you sit and cry While I am moving on I wont listen to you lie I know now that I was worth it I never needed you to define me You didn’t do anything but play tag And it may seem you were “hard to get” But eventually I found out the real thing Is that you cant decide You cant be yourself You don’t even know yourself So why should you try to love someone When you never knew how to in the first place? post comment

oh no [28 Aug 2004|06:45pm] I purged yesterday. I actually did. I feel terrible, but I know that if my parents knew they would freak out and never let me do anything again...so it is better off to keep it a secret. post comment

this is my life. this always will be my life. [25 Aug 2004|08:55pm] [ mood | okay ] So after feeling like shit the last time I posted, I got on the treadmill and ran/walked for 2 miles. I wasn't in such a good mood. I started to fast, but then I decided that someday I will have to eat. I just had some hamburger meat. I then decided I would do the no carb thing. So I am currently cutting down on the carb intake to lose weigh for next friday's game. I am not cheering this year for football, only for basketball. So I am happy that this will be giving me a break somewhat. I was looking at a poem last night that my old boyfriend wrote me. It was weird. He was in love with me, yet I didn't know it. I am so spacey that it's crazy. I think maybe I thought it was just nothing, and blew it off. But it was something. It really was. I even read the poem to Branden, and he said that it sounded like he was in love with me. Oh yeah, about Branden... he made up with that one girl he cheated on. And I can't believe I thought that maybe he was a different type of guy. I mean, he cried to me on the phone, talking about how ashamed he was, and I thought that he wasn't just an ordinary guy. This guy has a deep feeling to him, that I have never felt before with anyone. It's funny too, because I don't talk to him every day anymore, and he likes all these girls anyways. But I am glad I am able to get over this, because I just realized that I don't need him. I thought about how he talked to me when he went out with Kasey. And how he screwed ashley but kissed that one girl. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Who wants that type of a boyfriend? He says he think he is in love with ashley still, and that he thinks about her like every minute. Well I am happy for him. I'm not happy that he think all these girls are hott and he likes them instead of me, but I am happy that he can go on and be content with himself. As for me, I am never putting my heart out on the line again until I find a guy who is truley genuine. I want someone that wants to be with me. I want the guy that will talk about me, think about me, and I want it to be real. post comment

i hate my life [23 Aug 2004|08:27pm] [ mood | rejected ] Hm. A lot happened last weekend. I got drunk at Jillian's, and acted like a complete fool. I guess I kissed Andy on the cheek, and I socked Branden in the eye. I called people names and I sprained my ankle. I ruined my new abercrombie pants and I barfed all over the floor. I feel like shit for doing that. I bet Branden thinks I am a fool. I called him today while I was at Shea's work, and we were just talking and stuff, and then I started to talk about Katelyn. He said "Katelyn is hella cool, she's hella hott too." That crushed me. I feel like my life is over. I know I sound pathetic, but this shit always happens to me. Katelyn always gets the guy I like. Well hello, anorexia. Hello to my eating disorder. It's the only thing that I can do. I'm over. I'm done. 1 comment|post comment

so confused [20 Aug 2004|11:19pm] [ mood | confused ] So I get a call at 4:00 pm and guess who it is? Yeah, finally he calls me. I get so excited to hear the ring I have that goes to his number. I need to control myself. I thought I was going to let myself be ok, and not let my heart just completely get run over. I need to be strong. So I talk to him and we talk about school and what's been going on since the last time we saw each other. We talked for like 2o minutes and then his mom's boyfriend called so he had to go. He said he would call me later. So I wait, and I never get a call. I get ready with Kimi and Amanda to go out tonight. Amanda does my make-up soooo perfectly. She should be working at the MAC counter, I swear. So we go out to BurgerKing and eat some nasty greasy food...but it's so good. I hate bad food. Anyways, we went to Dutch Brothers to go see Shea and Danielle...and I was secretly wondering if Branden would be there. Then they both wanted to get high, and I didn't want to so Kimi and I left. When I finally pull into the street to get to my house, the phone rings and it's Branden. "Come to Dutch Brothers!" he says. I said that all of my friends are busy. I said maybe my sister would come, so he's like "Yeah bring her!" but then Kimi sees some girls she knows and jumps out of the car. The phone starts cutting out, and I don't get a signal. I decide to go out and drive to Dutch Brothers, but on my way, I get some sense knocked into me. It's like I'm running after this guy. I feel extremely lame,...then turn back the way I came from. I wasn't going to let myself get caught up in all of this heartbreaking bullshit. So I came home. Got some water... and jumped on here because A) I am bored, and B) I can't go to sleep. Then RING RING. Branden calls and says that the phone cutted out, and that he was sorry. He told me to come, but I said everyone else was busy. Then he said it was ok, and that he'd call me later. So here I am, sitting, typing on this computer. I want to know what will happen with me in the future. Will I ever find someone that I can truley relate to, and love? I want someone to be there for me, because I feel like the only person in this world that's there for me,....is, me. 2 comments|post comment

here I am. [20 Aug 2004|03:28pm] [ mood | lethargic ] So this is where I am at now. It's friday, and school got out an hour ago. I still feel like shit. The guy I thought I would end up liking hasn't even called me. I guess it shows you how much he likes me. That kinda crap can really make someone feel like shit. I feel as if I am not good enough. And I keep wondering, what will happen tongiht? Will he ever call me again? Is he just too busy? Well I can say once and for all that I don't need to put myself through all of this. So what. I won't be the girl who is desperate. I will just let it gow with the flow. Once he sees me again, things might change. But change is change. It keeps evolving and never stops. So I wonder if I will ever get to the point of change when I feel like it's ok. When I feel happy about my body. When I finally learn how to love myself. I was looking at these pictures of when I was anorexic... it looks like I don't have a face, like the one I have now. It looks like there is no life in me. So I guess maybe it is ok to be me. maybe. post comment

First day back [18 Aug 2004|02:54pm] [ mood | bored ] Today was the first day of school. It was painful waking up. I am suprised I stayed awake during all of my classes. I have some cool people in my classes, but then there is this one that a whole bunch of freshmen are in (I thought only juniors and seniors were allowed to do it) so it really sucks. I am the only senior in the freaking CLASS. At least it will be easy...lol. I was passing by Melissa and she asked me if I saw Branden lately. I said yeah, and she was talking about how Branden has so much girl drama on the phone. She talks to him on the phone... wtf? Maybe he really is a player. I can't believe I fell into his trap. The hard part is, I keep thinking about him. It's unstoppable. I hate it. I need to move on, because I shouldn't let other people determine my happiness. I guess there was nothing there really... oh well. post comment

my so-called life [16 Aug 2004|11:11am] [ mood | depressed ] Well shit. My life is so predictable. Here I am, waiting for some prince charming to sweep me off of my feet, someone that I actually like, too. But it never seems to go my way. I end up liking the ladies man that all of the girls want, and then I feel like another number in his book, like I don't mean anything to him really. I don't know why I am so caught up in this, and I keep trying to put my situation in a better perspective. But I can't. I mean, sometimes great things happen, but then it all gets taken away. I never get what I want. Never. I am so sick of living this piece of crap life. I really wanted to crash into a tree or something last night. Then maybe someone might notice me. I know that if I went back to being anorexic, I would get attention. But I hated that life. I don't care now though. I might as well be anorexic and living a shitty life instead of living a shitty life as a fatass. I won't take this anymore. I am going to change once in for all so everyone will physically see the pain that I am suffereing from. From not being thin, beautiful. For not getting the guy I want. All these guys and people just play these fucking mind games on me. Now it's my turn to get them back. Here I am, everybody. I am now offically anorexic again. 1 comment|post comment

oh what a night [15 Aug 2004|11:40am] [ mood | blah ] Oh god. Yesterday was so terrible. I was waiting all day for Branden to call. I thought that maybe he thought I looked ugly or something so he wouldn't call me anymore. I get paranoid like that. I went boating with Sierra on Rick's new boat. It's so fucking awesome. We fed little duckies chips, and I tried to catch one but of corse they tried to get away :-(. So I totally thought Branden and I were going to hang out at the lake but he never ended up calling me the night before like he said he would. He was with his friends. What the fuck? I am talking about him like he's my boyfriend or something. Clearly... something is wrong with me. Maybe I am just boy deprived because I was stuck in treatment the whole fucking summer. So I go to Sierra's and we go get coffe from the cute new coffee place. There were two really cute guys there, and one of them was staring at me when I looked up. He smiled :-). It was cute. Now I know where my new favorite coffee shop is. Sierra and I drive back to her house, and Eric's there. We talk and chill until Lander comes with Smirnoff and some other shit. The boys get drunk, and down them. I take a sip of my smirnoff. Then another. I don't know what it was, but I just didn't want any of it. Maybe too sugary. I guess I just wasn't in the mood. Sierra gets a little buzzed. We watch "American History X." I fucking cry. That movie is so fucking sad. I hated the ending. But on the other hand, the guy that played the older brother was FINE. So after we finish, we sit on the couch and lounge around and I drift off and go to sleep. Like a half hour later, around 2:30 in the morning, my phone rings... and it's Branden!! I got all excited. We talk, and talk, yada yada for like an hour. I get up from the bed and I walk out of the room to go hang out with Eric because I know that he's awake. Just as I open the door from my room, I hear Sierra whimpering. Oh fuck it was nasty. Then I heard Lander talking. I didn't come out of that room to hear them screw. So Branden and I are supposed to hang out today. I think we are going shopping and maybe to the lake. I don't know really what's happening for sure but I hope that everything goes well. post comment

wow [14 Aug 2004|12:38am] [ mood | hopeful ] Tonight was the perfect night. Branden didn't end up going to LA, so we got to hang out. I was getting so anxious to see Branden, and I wanted so bad to hang out with him tonight. It was about 8:00 and still he hadn't called. I was bummed, until a few minutes later he called me. **Score!** (I'm such a lameass!). Nothing romantic or anything happened, but I did get to see the guy I am falling for. He looked so cute tonight. We were just talking and flirting and stuff. I had so much fun. And all we did was go to safeway! (Sounds stupid, I know. But he was visitng one of his friends and plus he needed to get superglue to fix a part of his friends car. So wow. But then I have doubtful feelings. I get so nervous when I take my friends with me, because I feel I am not beautiful like them, and he would like them more than me. I have always had this insecurity. It sucks. Sierra's dog pooped in her new car, so it smelt like the worst dog shit ever. Katelyn and I ran to jump into Anthony's truck. I think Sierra got mad. oops. I am dieing for him to call me. I am just waiting, hopelessly waiting. I keep wondering if we will ever be together. It sounds so crazy to me, because I haven't really hung out with him as much as I talk on the phone or chat on AIM with him. I hope that one day I'll find someone to fall in love with. I keep having these thoughts and dreams about being in love. I never have been in love, so I wonder. post comment

chit chat [13 Aug 2004|01:02am] CheerCrazey: hey booger X9xHeIsMaNx9X: hey u nut CheerCrazey: sup X9xHeIsMaNx9X: what are you up to CheerCrazey: just got back home CheerCrazey: u? X9xHeIsMaNx9X: from where X9xHeIsMaNx9X: just got home to CheerCrazey: i picked my sis up from the movies and we went to dv X9xHeIsMaNx9X: sweet CheerCrazey: what did u do tonight X9xHeIsMaNx9X: i went to in and out dutch bros and hung out wit my girlie CheerCrazey: fun stuff X9xHeIsMaNx9X: yep yep CheerCrazey: im so bored X9xHeIsMaNx9X: me to X9xHeIsMaNx9X: i dont wanna go to bed CheerCrazey: then dont go to bed CheerCrazey: duhh X9xHeIsMaNx9X: no shit X9xHeIsMaNx9X: i knwo that X9xHeIsMaNx9X: so how was your day CheerCrazey: awesome CheerCrazey: i got to see every1 again CheerCrazey: i was so happy :-P CheerCrazey: we r throwing a party in a week CheerCrazey: im excited X9xHeIsMaNx9X: on next saturday CheerCrazey: yup CheerCrazey: paaartay CheerCrazey: bring out the beer bitches CheerCrazey: lol X9xHeIsMaNx9X: what time next sat CheerCrazey: during the night X9xHeIsMaNx9X: good CheerCrazey: wanna see some pics CheerCrazey: of when i was in la X9xHeIsMaNx9X: yeah X9xHeIsMaNx9X: of course CheerCrazey wants to directly connect. X9xHeIsMaNx9X is not accepting Direct IM connections. X9xHeIsMaNx9X: sorry CheerCrazey wants to directly connect. X9xHeIsMaNx9X is now directly connected. CheerCrazey: CheerCrazey: the girl with me was hella cool X9xHeIsMaNx9X: i lke that pic CheerCrazey: X9xHeIsMaNx9X: cute CheerCrazey: CheerCrazey: CheerCrazey: ^^this one is from redding, not la CheerCrazey: lol my chihuahua is like floating in the background X9xHeIsMaNx9X: whos on the left CheerCrazey: my friend shea X9xHeIsMaNx9X: she looks really framiliar CheerCrazey: maybe u have seen her X9xHeIsMaNx9X: dont kwno X9xHeIsMaNx9X: anymore CheerCrazey: not at the moment X9xHeIsMaNx9X: :'( CheerCrazey: ill take one of me :-) CheerCrazey: lol X9xHeIsMaNx9X: make it really good X9xHeIsMaNx9X: :-D CheerCrazey: well ill make the next one good CheerCrazey: but heres one X9xHeIsMaNx9X: k CheerCrazey: X9xHeIsMaNx9X: hotttt X9xHeIsMaNx9X: really hott CheerCrazey: X9xHeIsMaNx9X: that one sux X9xHeIsMaNx9X: its cool but it sux CheerCrazey: lol CheerCrazey: i kno X9xHeIsMaNx9X: i cant see your face CheerCrazey: X9xHeIsMaNx9X: topless would be better!!!!!:-D X9xHeIsMaNx9X: that one is good CheerCrazey: im boreddd X9xHeIsMaNx9X: you look bored CheerCrazey: CheerCrazey: lol X9xHeIsMaNx9X: it would be though X9xHeIsMaNx9X: do it X9xHeIsMaNx9X: :-D CheerCrazey: topless??? CheerCrazey: mmm CheerCrazey: nah X9xHeIsMaNx9X: hahahaha CheerCrazey: u gots a girlie remember? CheerCrazey: da da dumm X9xHeIsMaNx9X: yeah thats y im not asking over and over and over X9xHeIsMaNx9X: wait X9xHeIsMaNx9X: so your sayin gthat if i didnt you would CheerCrazey: hey now dont twist it around CheerCrazey: but maybe X9xHeIsMaNx9X: ha CheerCrazey: so? X9xHeIsMaNx9X: sorry i was just thinking bout all of this shit that has happend this summer CheerCrazey: what the hell are you talking about? X9xHeIsMaNx9X: sorry X9xHeIsMaNx9X: im just in a weird mood CheerCrazey: sorry about whattt X9xHeIsMaNx9X: just a whole lot of shit X9xHeIsMaNx9X: i feel like the worst person rite now for all of this shit CheerCrazey: why do you feel so bad? I dont get it X9xHeIsMaNx9X: like what happend like two weeks ago X9xHeIsMaNx9X: with me having a gf and i kissed another girl X9xHeIsMaNx9X: and now i hate myself for it CheerCrazey: i dont get why you are sorry X9xHeIsMaNx9X: i jsut am X9xHeIsMaNx9X: cause that s not who i am X9xHeIsMaNx9X: the branden i knwo doesnt like to hurt girls the way i did CheerCrazey: u kissed a girl other than demetra? CheerCrazey: bad boy X9xHeIsMaNx9X: no no no X9xHeIsMaNx9X: i was wit another girl and i kissed demetra CheerCrazey: dayum X9xHeIsMaNx9X: im not goin out wit demerta X9xHeIsMaNx9X: demetra* CheerCrazey: do i know her? X9xHeIsMaNx9X: dont think so X9xHeIsMaNx9X: but maybe X9xHeIsMaNx9X: ashley cordray X9xHeIsMaNx9X: she goes to cv CheerCrazey: sounds familiar X9xHeIsMaNx9X: maybe X9xHeIsMaNx9X: i just really regret what i did becasue i really liked the girl that i was wit CheerCrazey: that sucks CheerCrazey: but you shouldnt feel sorry, especially to me X9xHeIsMaNx9X: y CheerCrazey: y should i be sorry? CheerCrazey: I mean X9xHeIsMaNx9X: no not you CheerCrazey: u be sorry CheerCrazey: yeah CheerCrazey: i screwed up lol X9xHeIsMaNx9X: because that was really wrong what i did X9xHeIsMaNx9X: what do you mean your screwed up X9xHeIsMaNx9X: oh X9xHeIsMaNx9X: i c CheerCrazey: lol CheerCrazey: ditz X9xHeIsMaNx9X: yeah X9xHeIsMaNx9X: tell me bout it CheerCrazey: heh CheerCrazey: this might cheer ya up X9xHeIsMaNx9X: i wish that i could find that one girl and fall so deep into love wit her that i would never have to worry bout anyother people X9xHeIsMaNx9X: hahahahahahahahaha CheerCrazey: lol CheerCrazey: ya i know how u feel CheerCrazey: exactly X9xHeIsMaNx9X: now tha i think bout it i wish that that girl would be the one X9xHeIsMaNx9X: but i dont knwo it just might be the whole feeling sorry bout everything talking CheerCrazey: dont be sorry X9xHeIsMaNx9X: well i am CheerCrazey: ok X9xHeIsMaNx9X: :'( CheerCrazey: aww dont cry X9xHeIsMaNx9X: good luck trying to make me stop CheerCrazey: :-( X9xHeIsMaNx9X: i feel like such a wusss CheerCrazey: u shouldnt CheerCrazey: ur awesome! X9xHeIsMaNx9X: thanks X9xHeIsMaNx9X: i just feel like such a horrible person for all of the pain and trouble for all of this ive caused to everyone CheerCrazey: life goes on hun CheerCrazey: youll be just fine X9xHeIsMaNx9X: yeah but until then it sucks CheerCrazey: i odnt know what to say because ive been in that situation CheerCrazey: but time will pass CheerCrazey: my dear X9xHeIsMaNx9X: i know X9xHeIsMaNx9X: but until then it fucking sux CheerCrazey: i feel u X9xHeIsMaNx9X: i dont know how to feel or what to think CheerCrazey: cheer up sunny X9xHeIsMaNx9X: :-D X9xHeIsMaNx9X: your such a good person you knwo that X9xHeIsMaNx9X: i really glad i met you and hope we can stay really good friends and maybe one day something more X9xHeIsMaNx9X: your a great person though CheerCrazey: you are too X9xHeIsMaNx9X: not as good as you though CheerCrazey: you are CheerCrazey: believe me CheerCrazey: i think you are X9xHeIsMaNx9X: thank you that means alot to me that someone would think that CheerCrazey: ;-) CheerCrazey: ditto X9xHeIsMaNx9X: :-D CheerCrazey: hey, im always here to talk to you, ya know CheerCrazey: :-) X9xHeIsMaNx9X: yeah thanks CheerCrazey: so are you excited to go tomorrow? X9xHeIsMaNx9X: i dont even care rite now X9xHeIsMaNx9X: because of all of this X9xHeIsMaNx9X: i cant wait to go so that maybe i can get away from all of this CheerCrazey: well i hope you have a great time and forget all the shit in redding CheerCrazey: brush it off yo X9xHeIsMaNx9X: i ll try X9xHeIsMaNx9X: thank you for listening to all of this CheerCrazey: no problem CheerCrazey: *hug* X9xHeIsMaNx9X: thank you X9xHeIsMaNx9X: when i get back we are gonna hang out k X9xHeIsMaNx9X: i promise CheerCrazey: ok X9xHeIsMaNx9X: im gonna go X9xHeIsMaNx9X: k CheerCrazey: me too CheerCrazey: goodnight X9xHeIsMaNx9X: i cant stand sittin here anymore X9xHeIsMaNx9X: im not goin to bed CheerCrazey: have fun on your trip CheerCrazey: ur not? X9xHeIsMaNx9X: though X9xHeIsMaNx9X: k X9xHeIsMaNx9X: no X9xHeIsMaNx9X: i cant X9xHeIsMaNx9X: not like this CheerCrazey: then what are you doing X9xHeIsMaNx9X: i have some thinking to do CheerCrazey: well ill talk to you soon CheerCrazey: if you are bored call me X9xHeIsMaNx9X: yeah X9xHeIsMaNx9X: k CheerCrazey: night X9xHeIsMaNx9X: not like this i wont X9xHeIsMaNx9X: you cant hear me cry CheerCrazey: :-( CheerCrazey: yes i can CheerCrazey: i can help X9xHeIsMaNx9X: k X9xHeIsMaNx9X: i just might call you then CheerCrazey: alright CheerCrazey: dont be afraid yo X9xHeIsMaNx9X: only if you promise not to laugh and make fun CheerCrazey: *to CheerCrazey: i would never X9xHeIsMaNx9X: k X9xHeIsMaNx9X direct connection is closed. CheerCrazey: nighty nite X9xHeIsMaNx9X: i think im gonna call you k X9xHeIsMaNx9X: if you dont care CheerCrazey: ok CheerCrazey: i dont CheerCrazey: :-) X9xHeIsMaNx9X: k CheerCrazey: cya post comment

pics [12 Aug 2004|05:58pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | "So much for my happy ending" - Avril Lavigne ] At first I thought my stay in recovery would suck, but I was wrong. I grew with girls I admire so much. They are the most inspirational, thoughtful, beautiful girls ever. Each one touched my heart in a different way (I sound so corny, but it's TRUE!). These girls are here for me, and I am so happy to meet these people who gave me a new meaning to life. I am bored. I never got to post some of my pics.... here goes. ^^Dawn (my therapist) and me. ^^Me and Nekka, my best friend forever! ^^Michelle and I. She's so adorableeee. Those are just a few of them... I'll scan some more later :-) post comment

ready to run. [12 Aug 2004|05:48pm] I finally got a reality slap in the face today. What the fuck was I doing? I ran 3 miles today. I couldn't do the rest because I had terrible cramps. I then had to get the teeth cleaned, then go to Marci (my therapist). Cheer just got cancelled, so now I am sitting here contimplating what to do tonight. Movies? Discovery Village? Mall? ... hmm. I checked my cell about a half hour ago. Branden called me twice! I don't know why I get so excited, it's not like I have actually hung out with him. He left me a message saying that he was leaving tomorrow, and that we could hang out tonight. I am excited, but at the same time, nervous. What will he think of me? Am I pretty enough? He's seen my pictures. A ton of them actually. But what about in real life. I just wonder. I want him to like me. I hope tonight goes well. post comment

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