Biobecca's Journal
19 most recent posts

Date:2004-03-30 12:04
Subject:hola
Security:Public

SO.... Long time no update. haha Life has been hectic to say the least. It's also been kinda wierd and upsetting. Last week I had a sinus headache that was so bad it hurt to turn on the lights. I went to a concert at the Emerson in Indy. It was definately not what I expected. Michelle and I went and we met Frank there. I think Frank likes Michelle. It seems that way. I'm pretty sure I've been knocked off my pedstal. I can't say I'm all to happy about that. It would be different if things weren't the way they were now. I've started sleeping with Frank. I really care about him, and want to be his girlfriend. I don't want to be friends with benefits. I think I'm in love with my best friend and it sucks. Michelle is going to go to prom with him. Michelle and I were talking with Frank about prom and wanted to know if he was going. Michelle offereed to go. He kinda him-hawed around about it. I want Frank to be happy and have a good time at prom, but I wish I was the one going. I admit it. I'm really jealous. Part of me hopes that Frank can't take Michelle to prom. Like that because she didn't graduate from our high school, she can't go. I want to slow dance with Frank. I want to kiss him. I want to hold his hand when we walk down the street.I want to love him not care what others think. I'm almost to the point where I don't care what others think. When you find someone you want to be with it's a rare thing. Well, it is at least it is in my case. I don't really like just going out with any Joe Schmo. I'm going to shoot my self. I guess I'm just gonna pour my heart out to him this weekend when he comes to visit. I can't do this to my self. I need to either put things back the way they were or put things in a state that is better than this is currently.

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Date:2003-12-09 21:13
Subject:
Security:Public

shit shit shit shit shit shit shit. I hate my life. I want to move out of the dorms but it will be like 2500 bucks and i dont have that.

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Date:2003-11-19 11:37
Subject:
Security:Public

I feel really crappy today. I've got a headache that's borderlining on a migraine. I'm more congested than Atlanta traffic at rush hour. I really don't want to go to my afternoon classes but I'm going to. I just hope that it's not raining anymore. I want to go home and see my mommy. I can't wait for Thanksgiving.

I can't stand this place anymore. I don't even know if I'm gonna be here next semester. I'm hanging on by my finger tips and losing ground every second. I feel trapped. There's no way to get out of this mess, I got my self into. There's no one to blame but my self. Yes, I have some really shitty teachers, but it's my fault. I'm the one that took the classes. I'm the one who created a schedule that wouldn't allow me to drop classes that were too hard and not what I should have been taking.

I wish I had some sort of bankable talent that would help me get through life. If I fell on my ass I would still have that to maybe help me along. I have nothing like that. I'm just average. The only thing that sticks out about me is my chest and I don't even want it to.

I took some of the fun purple medicine. I'm about to fall asleep. I was thinking I was running a fever, but I dunno. I'm gonna have to get a thermometer.

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Date:2003-11-17 12:40
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: aggravated

Well, I was woken up but the loveliness next door playing some really shitty gospel music. Granted it's almost 11, but this is my day to sleep, do chores, and study. I really don't appreciate that shit. I've told them several times before that their music is too loud and that I can hear it through my walls. They are either really fucking dense or just damn stupid. I'm just so tired of the basic disrespect in this town. Michelle's got neighbors that smoke pot to the point that the smoke comes into her house and makes her sick. I've got a bunch of people who are evidently deaf and have turret's syndrome because all they ever do is run around yelling and playing their music a little to loud. I don't go running around in the hallways late at night making an insane amount of noise and the only time I play music really loudly is when I'm trying to drown out the other people. People proclaim to want respect but when it comes to respect others they have no time for that. I'll respect the girls on this hall when they respect me. I used to be nice about dealing with them. No more. We have just over a month until break and I can't put up with this shit. I have to sleep. Being a zombie by the time Friday comes isn't cool. Fuck.

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Date:2003-11-16 10:23
Subject:
Security:Public

There was an article in the paper the other day about the cutting of three or so sporting teams without even touching the losing football team's budget that our school has.

Personally, physical education is the biggest crock of shit. People who perform better physically are praised in their youth. The problem is the stupidity these people are allowed to get away with. The teachers grade easier and let the kids slip out early to go to practice. They don't assign homework on the nights of games. (That's not all bad, but if you want to play a sport you should be able to deal with things, homework included.) Exceptions are made and a blind eye is turned to the athletes indiscretions. They allowed to think they are the best of the best and the whole world is below them. It's not until some of them graduate and find out they are too stupid to hack it in college and that their athletic ability will not get them by in life. There are the few exceptions who are good enough to go pro, though, and I do acknowldge that fact.

Ignore the exception of those who go pro... Sports doesn't do anyone any good. Stop and think about how much much money is blown in maintaining sports related equipment every year. Showers, locker rooms, bathrooms, stadiums, pads and helmets.. all for what? Where's the payoff? Bobby's parents coming to the football game to cheer him on? Fuck that shit. The scant amount our school charges for tickets to the games doesn't do shit to help the team out with expenses or any other aspect of campus. I vote we just turn the fucking stadium into a big mud pit that's used only in the summer for wrestling and volleyball. Throw the rest of the shit out or sell it. No one would need it. No one but the players who are losing tution money would probably care. The football program is completely worthless to damn near eveyone. We had to get rid of several teams that weren't as shitty as the football team. Teams that could keep their budgets close to the allotted amount and what not. Even if one out of every one hundred mofo's who hoped to become professional made it big, it still doesn't justify the cost. The football team has no place in our school when it's costs more than it provides, period. It would be different if the team won or brought more money in, but it doesn't. People cut off limbs that are damaged and would do them more harm than good. The football team is an appendage we can do without. I don't care about football, baseball or hockey. I'm not biased to a certain sport. I just think that if you want to play; play on your own time and money. I'm paying for someone to go to school here for free with my tution money. I'm not cool with that and I don't think most people are. There are those that come to school to learn, get something done so that they can make something of themselves. The idea that we keep one overspending team that loses is stupid as hell. Why not devote a class to passing gas or rolling around on the floor? What good would those classes do? Certainly not any more or less than sports.

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Date:2003-08-29 16:35
Subject:It's a time bomb
Security:Public
Mood: blah
Music:Time Bomb - Rancid

Parking services or the town of muncie are going to get me some day. I hope it's later ratehr than sooner. I'm currently waiting for my friend to get down tiwth class so that we can go home. I can't wait for this fun little road trip. I went to my friend michelle's earlier and picked up my car which i had parked there a few days earlier. someone left me a note letting me know that i couldn't park there b/c i could be towed. no fucking shit. I brought my car back on campus and have it parked at the garage. it cost me two bucks. joy... lets ass rape the broke college students by taking any money they might possibly have. argh! I think I'm gonna go use my meal card here in a minute before it starts raining too much or something. i think tony is in my bio 111 class. I don't think it's him b/c he is not on teh class email list, but it looked just like him, and he kept looking back at me all during lab. I dunno... I don't think i's him. It's very improbable, and very stupid at the very least for me to think that it is him. I have really awesome lab partners though. two girls and a guy. the guys name is brian... what a funny little shithead. well i'm gonna go finish piling things up to go home. later...

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Date:2003-08-08 21:20
Subject:A thousand times a day I wish for something better
Security:Public
Mood: aggravated
Music:Vans Off the Wall Volume 4

Heaven shines on you but not on me

It finds you and loses me

Heaven smiles on you but frowns on me

It loves you and spits on me





Heaven kicks me down and praises you

It gives you a prize that I have won

Heaven steals my tears for your dew

It gives you a world that's new and me

A world that's bruised and broken

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Date:2003-08-06 22:43
Subject:Shattered Dreams
Security:Public
Mood: crappy
Music:The Offspring

Love sucks. I want someone to hold. I know my last entry talked about just wanting to screw, but love is way more important. Love is so powerful. It's frightening. If someone loves you, the power you have over them is enormous. Love is not a game. It's is something real and wonderful. It makes you want to hug puppies and smell flowers. As much as every one denies it they at the very least subconscienously want love. They want to fall in love and have the white picket fence adn teh kids and the puppy or cat. Some people want a carreer as well. The people that want and have it all sacrifice so much to have it all. Give and take is how love lasts. I hope that some day I meet a man that creates with me the perfect balance. I want to love him so completely even his little quirks. I want to think they are cute and not annoying. I want to light up when he walks through the door. I just want to be so perfectly in love that every day is Heaven on eath while I am away from my Heavenly Father, if I'm lucky enough to be with him in the afterlife.



dumbass
god you dumbass.


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Date:2003-08-06 22:42
Subject:Lovin', It's What I Got
Security:Public
Mood: horny
Music:311 cover of Sublime

Life is to short so love the one you got cuz you might get run over or you might get shot. What a good idea. Now all I need is someone to love. I'd settle for some hard-core, all night long, so good you can't help but scream sex. Sex. It's what makes the world go 'round.Sex is the reason people fall in love. Theya re attracted to each other and then comes the love. I don't know what's up with me lately. It's like I'm walking around looking for a good screw. I don't usually go on the prowl. I have offers that I could take up but they are with people that would cause problems. I know some of the most gorgeous men but I can't imagine being with them. It would be like sleeping with my brother. I am very close with the guys I know. It wouldn't be right. I thought sex was bad and not really all that people say. I guess it really just depends on your partner. Being with the guy I lost my virginity, made me think sex was really that bad. Once I was with Tony and was so turned on I realized sex wasn't so bad. I didn't have sex with him; it just finally sunk in that if you and your partner weren't comfortable together you couldn't find your groove. I was propsitioned a while ago by a guy that I used to have a flirtation with when I was younger, but I said no. I am thinking about calling him up for a one nighter, but I won't. I don't feel the way I used to about him. He's attractive, don't get me wrong, it's just that after being through what I went through with him I don't feel anything for him. The old feelings are there, but they are very muted and aren't worth shit. I don't know anymore.


******

hilarious: you are as funny as the cheekiest girls
in class and know everything thats happening on
TV and all the hot places to chill. you aren't
a typical bubblegum princess, you pride
yourself on your musical picks and your
attitude. sometimes you get carried away and
often get scolded for that, but otherwise if
people want to have fun then you're the person
they'll come to! you can be as girlie as
britney when you're in the mood and as hard
assed as pink when you want. your mates love
you for being so; fun, interesting and
unpredictable, you go girl!


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Date:2003-08-06 21:52
Subject:Drop It Like It's Hot
Security:Public
Mood: blank
Music:The Donnas

Drop it like it's hot. Hah! That's such a such a fun phrase. I really can't stand being home anymore I want to go to school very badly. This town bothers me. I came home this summer thinking I was gonna have a lot of problems but I managed to get rid of them. I thought I could hide from them. I did partially but by hiding I made new ones. I started hanging out with other people, people I normally wouldn't have. It pisses me off. This town is such a shit hole for people 18-25. You come home from college and have to wait a summer to go back to your life. There is nothing to do here. For any entertainment you have to drive at least 45 minutes. We have a movie theater. It gets new movies but the guy that owns it is dating a women with pre-teens so most movies are geared toward kids. Most of the teenagers here get drunnk or do some drug for fun. I've never been into drinking and drugs. This summer I've had a few interactions with alcohol, but they were sporadic and not with the time it took to drink it. I think drugs are stupid so I don't do those. I hate being here because I have no one to talk to. I feel like a caged bird. I can see everyone and what they are doing. I am part of their lives but I my self am not free. Let me go!


he's fucking perfect!
Your boyfriend is Bob Nanna, formerly of Braid and
now of Hey Mercedes. Bob lives and breathes
for music it seems, so you better get used to
him always being on tour and songs about other
girls. Your song? A Dozen Roses.


Who's Your (real) Indie Rock Boyfriend?
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Date:2003-08-05 14:47
Subject:There's a first time for everything
Security:Public
Mood: guilty
Music:Sum 41- In Too Deep

I got drunk last week for the first time. As a science maor I know a little biut about why a pseron gets durnk. I don't really care. I like the feeling. When I'm drunk everything is funny. I don't just mean funny. I mean like rolling on the floor nearly in tears. I wasn't on the floor but only because I was on a couch. I shouldn't have gotten drunk when I did though. It was this a guy and he had a girlfriend. I don't think what we did was cheating but it was pretty damn close. We started playing a drinking game called kings. If you don't know what kings is you play with a deck of cards. each card has some rule assigned to it. For example, a two would be to take two shots or a Queen would be to remove an article or clothing. We made the kings be the remove an artice of clothing. I luckily didn't have to remove any of my clothes. The guy I was with got all the kings. No taking off my clothes! Yay! We ran out of beer,so we started talking. (if you played kings with hard liqour you'd probably get alcohol poisoning.) The guy I was with gets kinda horny when he's drunk. Point blank I'm stacked. My chest is huge, it's not surgically enhanced and makes me look tiny in comparison. I also have no ass so they aren't balanced out by my posterior side. I digress. He started asking me what size they were and things. I wouldn't tell him. He had a girlfriend and I didn't think I really needed to tell him what size bra I wear. I asked him why he was so fascinated by them. I mean... They're just breasts. It's like legs or noses. Every one has them, they're just all a little bit different. I was sitting there and i poked my chest and then my leg i was like... It's just flesh... nothing spectacular. In retrospect this wasn't the best idea, but I was pretty drunk... I took his hand and poked my breast and my leg adn was like "See, just flesh." I had my clothes on so don't go thinkin' I was getting undressed for him. I was still coherent enough to remember he had a girlfriend! I couldn't remember the ends of some of my sentences but I could remember something that important. He asked me if he could have a hug and I wanted to know if it was so he could cop a feel and he said yeah. I hugged him just cuz he was honest. Well, it was like 2:30 in the morning when I left. He wanted another hug so I did only this time he reached up and grabbed my breast. I have to admit I was a little bit shocked. I wasn't anticipating that. I turned to leave and he wanted another hug and I told him no. He asked if he could hug me from behind. My thought was "What could it hurt? He can't touch anything." I was wrong. He reached up and grabbed my breasts drawing me back towards him. I was caught up against him and couldn't get away very easy. I struggled to get to the door and he let me go. I was pretty freaked out when I left. I drove home and went to sleep. I feel horrible because he has a girlfriend and that I didn't have enough courage or willpower to not hug him and let him touch me. I guess that maybe a side effect of alcohol. I suspect i would have done it sober if I had been in the right mood. It's like I have two split personalities. I'm a pretty up tight person who tries to take care of others and make sure that thigns go smoothly. I have this "bad girl syndrome" as i have taken to calling it. Evey so often I just get overcome with the urge to misbehave and do things I normally wouldn't think of doing. I'll have to delve in the other me in another entry.

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Date:2003-05-31 00:41
Subject:Yay!
Security:Public
Mood:Proud
Music:The Used

My brother graduated tonight. I can't believe it. We're both out of school. He's going to go to school to study electrical engineering and physics. He's going to do so well. I'm incredibly jealous of his intellegence. He got a scholarship! Yay! I'm going to miss him so much next year because when I'm on break he probably won't be. :( I'll just have suck it up :( I wish I was little. God, I can't believe I'm wishing for my youth. It's funny, the things I didn't even know I had...

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Date:2003-05-26 22:07
Subject:The places you have come to fear the most
Security:Public
Mood: aggravated
Music:Jimmy Eat World - Clarity

The places you have come to fear the most... Wow. I am afraid of so many places hese days. I am afraid of them not because of the places but because of the people that are there. I hate going certain places or doing certain things because I know I may have to have interaction with certain people. I am considered by mst people to be outgoing. I am frequently suprised by this because I keep my true freinds small in number. I know a lot of people but I would consider them aquantacnces or buddies b/c I don't tell them about who I'm lusting after or whatever. We just hang out or visit sporadically. I spent tht night at my cousin's last nihgt and although I had a good time I experiencing nauseau from being nervous about seeing another cousin there. She and I are no longer friends but I am nice to only to avoid having to explain why I am no longer fond of her. I wish that things weren't the way they were with her but, that's the way it has to be if I want to keep things on any level of niceness with her. I wish I could wear rose colored glasses but people keep breaking them.

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Date:2003-05-15 14:51
Subject:Wow! You got hot.
Security:Public
Mood: shocked
Music:Presidents of the United States

I'm disgruntled, well, more so than normal. I have to guy friends named Aaron. One of them lives down the road from me. (Maybe four or five houses.) Well, my brother was hanginoput with with some friends the other night and they dropped him off at the park and he saw the aaron that lives down the road. Aaron brought him home. I was heading out the door b/c I was going to go see if my friend was working and hang out there, or hang out at the court house. I hadn't seen Aaron in a while so I was decided to stay and visit with him. Aaron and Dave went into Dave's room and were sitting on his futon. I was leaning in the door way. We were all talking and suddenly Aaron made some kind of comment about me getting hot. I just thought "what the hell?!?" He kept making comments about stuff. I flipped him off adn he was like "What? I can't complement you?" or something like that. it wasn't like every two seconds that he said something, he amde a couple of comments. He asked how old I was. I told him I was 19 and he was like, "So, you can get into bars?" I was like "Um noooo I'm not 21." Evidently I can if you just go in there to eat and then leave immediately afterward as I was so wonderfully told. Great... Too bad I don't have an incredible urge to spend my time in a bar. Well, unless there'sa band playing there. If there's a band I want to see I'd seriously consider doing bad things to get into that bar.

I dunno. Something just bothers me when I'm told "hey, you got hot." It's wierd to have someone tell me that. I am not considered one the "beautiful people" by any means. I am just an average person. I wear a t shirt and jeans and just let my hair down. DI don't wear make up unless I had too much time and needed something to do, or i just felt like it. I'm not a big fan of make p. I think it's like wearing a mask. If you wear make up to attract someone, what happens when you wake up in the morning after spending the night with a guy and it's been kissed off and smudged? You're no longer as "hot and sexy". You're a wreck and the guy is repulsed. A lot of guys find the the morning after look sexy, but when the night look is smeared allover them and the bed... It's not a turn on. If I'm going out to some place really nice then yeah, I'll probablly wear it. The only place you'd notice the make up would be my eyes. My lipstick isn't some color that looks like it was on some '80's shirt. (aka radioactive glowing red) It also bothers me how people make their skin two shades darker with their foundation. Apply it lightly. Don't use a trowel, please. There are masons out there who need thier tools. Give them back.

Whew! that wasa fun little tangent to get off on. But yeah... Being told "Hey, you got hot." is certainly a ytip when you're a comfy person. It's bizarre. It's really hard for me too because he was basically trying to see if I'd go out with him. I've got more than my fair share of guys right now. The last thing I need right now is another guy. He would be a fun one to hang out with though... I could knock back a shot or two with him. I'd trust him to not do anything if I was inebriated. He'd be safe to drink around since I have like no alcohol tolerance.

I don't drink which is kinda abnormal for most college kids. Even the really studious types do it. They aren't the people that go to house parties that are free for all drunken groping parties, but they know people that live off campus that they can go to and hang out with. I didn't know anyone that lived off campus really that I could go over too that I trusted or wanted to go over too. I'm just nervous for next year. I have friends living off campus that will have small get togethers at their houses. It'd be nice to be able to have a drink or two before I'm not all together or te be able to have a drink at dinner and not be drunk by the end. It bother's me that i'm worried about drinking and I'm not 21. It's just that I know it will inevitably happen next year. I'll just have to wait and see what happens. If I went out to a party I would baby sit the people that I went out with. I made sure they could get back to the dorm okay. They seemed to lose their sense of direction on one occasion. That was disturbing when they couldn't remember which was campus was.

Being hit on at parties is one thing, but being hit on when you're not at one is another. I don't know what to think. My ramblings have not produced an ephiany as I had hoped. Maybe I'll be struck with one later. I'm such a science nerd. I haveto analyze everything... It bothers me sometimes. Oh well.

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Date:2003-05-07 13:37
Subject:a low pressure and a high pressure would be good
Security:Public
Mood: blah
Music:Black Flag

If I had a low pressure area I'd gladly go to it because the high pressure in my head is horrible. My sinunes are blocked and my nose is running like it's in trying to out run a police officer. I can even feel it running down the back of my throat. *whimpers* It's making me nauseous, but I can't help it. My doctor is closed for the afternoon and will be out tomorrow as well. Don't I have a great doctor? I really do and I realize that even doctors need time off. I have to go grocery shopping with my mother tomorrow. Oh joy! I'm so tired... I want to lay down but then the stuffiness gets worse. I woke up at 630 this morning. I tossed and turned for about three hours. I got up around 9 when I grew tired of feeling the pressure move when I rolled over. That sucked. I wish I had one of those droppers that you use on babies to clean out thier nose. That doesn't seem like such a bad idea. Man, if this is what coke heads deal with, I'm not doing drugs. I hate this constant sniffing. I have so much unplacking to do as well. ARGH! I wish I had someone to come hold me until I felt better. I think I'm starting to get dehydrated. I haven't really had anything to drink... unless you count the mucus sliding down the back of your throat... Well, I'm gonna go see about finding a movie to watch.

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Date:2003-05-07 09:40
Subject:All work and no play makes college a dull thing.
Security:Public
Mood: weird
Music:The Decendants

Last week was finals at my college. I live in the dorm. It's not actually all that bad. One of the down sides is that they have "quiet hours" during finals week. This is a good idea, but sometimes you just need to blow off steam from studying so much. My friend, Michelle, and I decided to blow off some steam by going for a walk. We walked along a path next to a river that is a few minutes from campus. We walked quite a distance. This turned out to be a cool and a not-so-cool thing. We wound up in a part of town that we really don't spend all the much time in. I had driven through it maybe twice. It was a little creepy being on foot there after dark. I can say that we won't be going back there during our walks. We walked past a house and this cat followed us from there over a mile back toward our dorm. Some guys stopped us at this house party when we were walking past. This guys was hitting on Michelle. I found it to be rather humorous. She looked all preppy and he was a thug gansta. Hehe :) Well, She'd finally had enough of his sliming on her and we left. We were there until about midnight. When I got back by roomie and her fiance were chilling in the room. I sat down at my computer to tell my friend, Vicki, about the cat but I wasn't paying attention. I just clicked a name and sent it. I realized I'd sent it to this guy who was one of my lab partners. He got confused and me me explain it to him. He had been drinking earlier so I think he was feeling a bit braver than normal. He asked me to come over and make out with him. I was thinking "what in the hell?" I asked where this came from and I got a response of something along the lines of "a drunk mans word's are a sober man's thoughts." I had no idea he had designs on me. I tend to be rather oblivious when it comes to things like that. He quite the condrum. He boggles my mind. He's all quiet, but he's a major partier. It seems like an interesting oxymoron. He's an absolutely fantastic man. Well, anyway... I wasn't too sure if I should go over to his house, but my roomie said I should go and just see what happened. I told him that I would come over so he came and picked me up. I was a little nervous to say the least. We laid down on the bed and started to watch Zoolander. He seemed to think that it was funny that I hadn't seen it. I tend to read or watch something I've already seen if I'm bored. I was seriously trying to watch it but he kept messing around. I turned my head to give him a look cuz he kept slapping my ass. It wasn't bothering me and it wasn't a dirty look. It was just a look. He kissed me when I turned around. That was the best kiss! I'm not sure if I pulled him onto me or if he climbed but damn. He's one of those guys that when you're with them you just feel safe. If there is a heaven on Earth it was with him. I wasn't really 100% , cuz I was tired, but it was still good. We settled down after a while and I kinda dozed off to sleep. He kept waking me up by talking to me. I was so out of it I was like "yeah. okay. no. whatever." Somewhere along the line it popped into my head to start kissing him at some point. Just randomly, when we were laying there. I wanted to see what he would do. I think it was aroudn 330 or 4 in the morning when I pounced. He was like whoa! where'd this come from? I was a little more into if that was possible because I had been able to rest for a little bit and because I wanted to see his reaction. He was more than happy to oblige me with returning my kiss. We rolled around in his bed for a while and then curled up. I thought I was gonna get to go to sleep, but oh no... that was the wrong assumption. I had had my arm draped across him. He proceeded to take him hand and use it for his pleasure. I didn't mind. I found it interesting the way that he was touching himself. I eventually woke up enough to help him out. We engaged in some activity until he was about ready to... blow his stack. I helped him out with that, which I don't think was actually expected. I think it just turned out to be a perk. I can't express how awesome and otherwise fantastic it was to be with a guy who didn't have to take it all the way to sex. I was looking at him at one point and he has the most gorgeous lips. Hell, He's completely gorgeous. I never really checked him out. One of my friends in class always said he was hot... I guess I should have looked. She thoguht all three of my lab partners were hot. I guess I just never got around to checking out this guy. That was a mistake. He's fantastic. I want him so much.

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Date:2003-05-05 21:13
Subject:No More! Please!
Security:Public
Mood: frustrated
Music:The Clash

A girl just doesn't need any more than one guy. It's exhausting enough dealing with only one. Dealing with four is like deciding that sleeping in a viper pit is a good idea. You just don't do it. If you are doing it, how do you manage? I am not handling it well at all. I guess I need to explain what's goin' on.


In a previous entry I talked about having always been one of the guys. I am a freshamn in college right now so this requires going back in time. My senior year was really awesome becuase some of my cousins whom I am close with were freshmen. I got to see them a lot more as a result. (I went to a small school so this was possible.) The girs were friends with this guy, Frank. Let's start out by saying that Frank is an interesting character. He's a punk that likes techno music. Frank is an outsider that not a lot of peopel talk to. I thought he seemed interesting so I started talking to him. It must have flattered him thata senoir girl was talking to him. He rteally just needed a friend adn I was willing to be that. If he had been my age I woulod probably have developed feelings for the guy. I did not have feelings for him but he began to like me in a way that was more than just as friends. I distanced us but that didn't stop anything. I just moved back home for the summer from college and he called me wanteing to know if we could do something. I don't thin kthat he understands that our ages are not very well suited for us hanging out. I do think this guy needs friends so I will be spending some time with him this summer, just not a lot. I don't want to accidentally encourage anything. This is gonna be a crazy summer in regards to just him. I may have to some day make another entry that discusses my friendship with Frank. For now we'll just leave it at that I have a fifteen year old following me around like a puppy.


I have been friends with Aaron since maybe teh 6th or 7th grade. He's your typical bad boy. He smokes pot and drinks. He still lives with his parents becuase he can't quite seem to keep his act together when he moves out. I have liked him off and on for a little while. I think it is just because I can't have him. I suspect he has liked me for a while because of comments and action that he makes. I feel as thought I have been stringing him along because I would send him emails that would qualify as flirty even though I was just kidding around. I hope I don't wind up hurting him. I don't want to be wqith him because I think it would be detrimental to my future if I did. He also keeps company that make me feel uncomfortable around. He does things that I don't approve of also. I'm a believer in not taking my boyfriend away from his firends. I also am not one of those girls who thinks "Oh, I can change him." He and I will just be friends.


I met a lot of interesting people while living in the dorm this past year. One of them was a girl named Vicki. She's such an awesome person. She introduced me to who her brother, Eric. Eric is an awesome guy. I think he may be a bit more quiet, but it's cool. He's really funny. He lives about an hour away from me which is kind of a plus because it would be hard for us to get together all the time. (I need my space.) HE seems like a guy that would be cool to hook up with.


Well, damn. Three guys down. One more to go. I'll make him his own entry because he was a night's happening. If I don't get it done tonight, although I want to work on it after I get this on here, I'll just let you know a quick bit. His name is Tony. He was one of my lab partners in Biology. He's just freakin' awesome.

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Date:2003-05-05 13:46
Subject:Well, I Guess This Is Growing Up
Security:Public
Mood: indescribable
Music:The Buzzcocks

I've never been one to be a "player." I've always thought that it was dishonest and hurtful. Somehow, I have found myself in a situation that could potentially cause me to become the not-so-proud owner of that title. Love and friendship are two things that should not be taken for granted. They require two people and if that other person decides to not give you their relationship, then you have nothing.


Since the fifth grade my friends have been mostly guys. This stems from the fact of where my house is. The area that my mom moved to is made up of guys. There were no girls around. We spent so many days and nights playing hide and seek, tag, or baseball... Whatever our hearts desired. As a result, I grew up being just one of the guys. I think punk music is cool. I think it's funny when a guy can belch the alphabet. Wrestling with a guy is not a flirtatious activity to me. (At least it was that way.) I have just always been used to being one of the guys.


Being one of the guys has lead me to be in some unpleasant situtations. I have developed feelings for some of the guys, and some of them had developed feelings for me. I never acted on those feelings except for with one guy. He wasn't a good friend, but he was still a friend. He ran with a different crowd in school, than I did, which made things even more bizzare.


I have serious commitment issues which I believe stem from having witnessed the horrible divorce my parents went through. In the relationships that I've had I have noticed that the guy's whose parent's are still together are much more demonstrative with their affection. I consider myself demonstrative, but I'm not by any means near the level that some of those guys are. I'm just scared to be with these people because I know of the pain that is looming overhead like giant rain clouds.


I've had time to reflect upon myself and look at who I am while being away at college. There are things that I need to change and things that I feel that I don't. I hope that I can change the things that I don't like. Well, I guess this is growing up.

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Date:2003-05-05 13:28
Subject:College Living
Security:Public

Wow! I made it through a whole year of college. I don't know how, but I did. I'm going to have to work really hard to bring my g.p.a. up next fall. Science is really hard, but so completely worth it. I took a chem class and a biology class. I had the best time in my biology class. Biology is my major, even though some people don't consider it a science. I can understand why, but I like it. It has aspects of almost every field in it. I am used to having to work for the grades that I get, but this year was totally something else. My first semester was horrible because I had a roomie who never left. There were several nicknames that we came up in reference to her never leavign the room. We eventually just called her Blobby. It's really horrible, but it was an adequate description of her. It was as though someone had taken a scoop of human and put in on her bed. Living with her took a toll on me, as I'm sure it took a toll on her. Second semester was much better as I got to move down the hall into a room with a girl who is awesome. She is getting in a few weeks to an awesome guy. They are the people who make you think "if they can't make it, maybe no one can." I studied more the this semester because I actually liked being in my room. I can't say my studying really was that great becasue I had developed poor study habits first semester. I guess that's just part of college living... You have to fight for it.

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