efficiency!   
04:51pm 24/12/2003
 
mood: hasty
You people have never seen Erica in a flurry, I think. It doesn't tend to happen around people. It's when that rushed feeling turns good and I shift my drives to hyperspeed. Sleepy lazy Erica, yes, I get that way sometimes. Type quickly. Think quickly. With a full head of steam go forward to other tasks for today. And first write of many things that have drifted through the plains of mind.

Yes. That is my efficient mode.

~ha!		  
   

(opine?)
 
spiralling like the wyrm   
04:55pm 24/12/2003
 
mood: productive
The other way I get sometimes... too much recently... is the worrying-too-much mode. Worrying (figuratively) in the physical sense too, like messing with a scab when it ought to be left alone to heal. Something might trouble me, like a splinter that I can't find the start of, and I just keep messing with it anyway, driving it deeper so it hurts more, and that makes me worry more... I can work myself into quite a state that way.

I know that's what I'm doing but I can't stop; the only thing that will keep my mind from going back to it is to distract myself. And that doesn't get the splinter out.

What fixes it best is for me to realize how ridiculous I'm being and laugh at myself, but it's very hard to gain that perspective when it's something that I care deeply about, or when it's about something important, even if the hurt itself is small and petty.

And most of the time, though I could offer reasons as to the original cause of the worry, they're just aspects of the cycle as it's been turning over in my mind. "I don't know," is just as likely to be the most accurate answer as any of them.

Though I hate to say it about myself, I can really be high-strung. Ugh, high strung. Need to work on that one.

~eh		  
   

(opine?)
 
no beer and no tv make homer something something   
05:06pm 24/12/2003
  So another thing I've been thinking about, what with being constantly called crazy and all, is that even if I were certifiably crazy (in the state of mind I am now), I wouldn't want to think any other way. I wouldn't want to be cured, to have my brain forced back to normal with drugs. I think there's an unfortunate tendency in today's society to classify behaviors as insane that don't deserve to be, that are especially in mild forms better described as personality quirks. Not that the mental health industry hasn't made great strides! There are definately times that everything they've done can make people happier, can help them have satisfying lives.

But who gets to decide what a satisfying life is? If a person can function within society (even with some problems!) and is content with the workings of his or her own mind, society needs to seriously reconsider a value system where it tries to drug that person to "normalcy." Or conformity.

The fact that genius isn't average is only one of the reasons.

~ go crazy?		  
   

(opine?)
 
reply reply reply to me!   
05:14pm 24/12/2003
  Serious question: Is it better to bring people happiness, or to prevent them harm?  
   

(2 opinions | opine?)
 
the edge is the center; the center the edge   
05:24pm 24/12/2003
  Speaking of serious things that I find amusing, it pleases me sometimes to think of God as being very tiny. Tinier than the tiniest particle, one point infinite and moving at infinite speed (and therefore present everywhere at once.) I've been thinking about points, and about torii, and about how the center of everything could also be the edge of it — visualize expanding the point, pulling it toward you as a torus, and remember that a point has no radius. The center looping back to the edge... order and disorder together, one and the same at the point of infinity.

The stupidest mistake a Christian can make, I believe, is to think of God as being like us, only bigger. "In his image..." Physically? Please. That borders on idolatry. And motivations... well if I won't presume to try to put motivations in another human's head, if I'll give even the slimiest of slime politicians the benefit of the doubt as to their reasons — and know that anyone assuming the worst possible motives on another's behalf, especially rightist pundists, ticks me off royally — I certainly wouldn't presume to know God's.

But the will, that seems God-like to me. It's what God seems to value in us too, our choice to believe and to follow, or to deny...

One cannot be made to choose one option over the other. And there is always more than one. If a man with a gun demands, "Your money or your life," you can choose to take the risk of dying. There's good options versus bad ones, and bad ones versus worse ones, but never none. The will I think might be the very heart of the self, of the soul if you like; willing is what the self/soul does.

But still I think my affection for God is high enough to countenance a little irreverence part and parcel with the reverence. That's my approach to all life after all; an all-serious Erica is in for trouble. But I have to throw in a little serious with any silliness too. ^_^		  
   

(opine?)
 
  bewilderbeast
 
 
days