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[05 Jan 2009|01:32am] |
I did it. I sucessfully turned the tables back on his ass.
oh hell, my resolution is to either try getting him and if that don't work out then get the fuck over him.
I figure if i keep being patient something will come. someday ill get my chance. now i don't know exacly how to turn the table completely. i need him to want to be able to prove himself worthy to me at the same time i want to be able to control that. I've never been good at playing this game with him
but i want it so bad. i want him more than i've ever wanted anything in my life.
i admit it i dont go a day without thinking about him and as much as that sucks i have to do something about it.
i wish he could just give me one chance /althought we've both givin our fair share in the past
but this time is actually for real. i think we got past all the immature bullshit. or i hope so atleast.
i wanna get the chance to just get to know him.
to just be friends right now as hard as i can pretend thats all i want.
its what he needs. he needs a female in his life that can be able to put up with his bullshit and still love him anyways.
he's scared. hes terrified and so am i. but god damnit somethings got to give. i dont want anybody else.
now im not saying im in love with him. nor that i have learned so much to love about him.
but i got some kind of fucked up love for the boy and im sure as hell not gonna go through life knowing that i didn't even try. I'm trying and trying and ill keep trying till he gives in. I've thrown my hands in the air too many times to bring them back down and i'll throw em a million more till i get this right. it's the only way.
the only way i can get him or get over him.
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[03 Jan 2009|04:02am] |
yeah so i was just thinking.
If a part of you knows that something you wanted so bad that you were 100 percent positive that it's all you've ever wanted, and then maybe the tiniest part tells you different? does that mean you can't get it back to good?
It would be like you and me had something but then its all and then it's nothing?
Would we be better off trying to be friends first? Most likly.
But it's just I shouldn't have said all those things to try and make you think I actually think that we are meant to be together if we could just try. I don't know why I said that. What we need to do is Try and be friends!!
I would rather have the good parts of you atleast as a friend.
I just feel it's impossible to be in the same room with you and not be moved. I don't know if this is just my testostrom flowing or my heart pounds a beat faster when you walk into a room.It's more than I can stand.I'm tired of the same old thing.
I'm sorry about the attitude i need to give when i'm with you
but no one else would take this shit from me.
well i'm just terrified of no one but me.
but i'm here all the time so i won't go away.
hey it's not just you, it's me..
Oh god, i shouldnt feel this way.
Well I'm surprised if you believed in anything that comes from me that i didn't hear from you or from someone else. And your so
Set in life man, a pisser theyre waiting
Too damn bad you get so far so fast
So what, so long?
I hope I either get your best or get over you. Either way it's happening this fucking year.
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[24 Dec 2008|12:38am] |
there's so much more about me that i never let anyone see
now if thats good or bad.. i'm not sure..
i forgot how i used to dream.
i forgot every little thing about me that makes me beautiful.imperfections in all.
i keep so much pain inside..and sometimes it's all i feel.
try so hard to let go of the past.and i act like it's long gone.
but i'm dead wrong.
I'm still trying to figure out how i can over come this.
things with my father have all faded away.
although a huge part of me despises him.
the hurt has gone away. and someone told me sometime a year ago.
that my father is my father. he is who he is. and i am who i am. and if i've tried everything and its still all the same then maybe i should just let that part of my life be done.
i feel i've taken the biggest step in that way.
& i havent shed a tear about him in over half a year.
thats only half of the pain thats gone tho..
the other half still lingers in me.
and i can't figure out what that is growing every day in the best and worst ways.
i will not fail. god will not let me fail.i will not give up,i will keep trying.. im not going down in life. not in this freakin' mind state. no fucking way.
so let me remind myself..
"the light doesnt blind you at all. it just helps you see."
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[21 Dec 2008|06:35pm] |
so im sitting in my room and it's freezing cold outside. Not too mention my room is like a freezer in the winter. and an oven in the summer. There is no happy medium for my room or me. lol.
we'll i could go on and on about stuff thats happend lately but ill keep it short.
thursday was my last day at work for 2 weeks. I'm glad i get a nice little break.. but i have a lot of thinkin to do before thats up. I'm trying to decide if i should go back to school or not.
i get my license back in 4 months.. and im at a crossroad if i should just wait until next fall to attend . seeing how i will have my license and everything then. be nice.
but then theres the factor that if i dont go to school. my father will cut off my health insurance. and i need that insurance to maintain my medicine other wise my meds will cost way over 150 dollars compared to 40. which is a bunch a bullshit if you ask me. i would like to talk to my father and explain this to him but i have a feeling it wont matter. so i just wont...
anyways. so got lot to think bout when it comes to that..
i really want to go to school for mass communication. i know that i badly need to improve my vocabulary and thinking in order to achieve this. but i decided that i really want to become a writer. and so i've been asking myself. What do people want to read? i could write about my disfuntional life and family ..dont get me wrong people would be interested but to only a point because i havent lived that long... i want to write about fantasy. something every one has. so for the next couple months im going to document fantasies. and keep them for later reference. and my new years resolution is to get my license back. so ill update sometime next year and see where im at.
"Money,Power,& Lust, It's a Lethal Combination"
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[01 Dec 2008|01:43pm] |
for so long i thought there was something wrong with me
but now i can see it's you not me
how she left your heart so broken
cant imagine how the hospital bed must have felt
i woulda been there to hold your hand
but you dont understand..
because now that i can see what it is..
i dont care anymore.
you might still be able to move me
but i dont do that for you.
so that makes me just not give a fuck anymore
thought i could make or break you
but you cant make something or break something thats already fucking broke
and now i found someone i cant quit thinking bout..
and your starting to slip away baby. i see it so clear now
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[05 Nov 2008|01:18pm] |
yeah so random update before i get ready for work..
lets see. things with work are going good. i think i made a very impressive move yesterday and imma keep it up so maybe they think i deserve a raise? who knows im already gettin paid way better than min. wage but 9 dollars an hour would be FUCKING AWESOME!! anyways
so today im doin alright.. although ive still been on my emotional rollercoaster the past 5 days .. ive put it to a hault as of right now.. the past two nights ive cried myself to sleep(sad i know) but i just cant quite figure out why i go from such drastic moods. i think it might have to do with the seasons changing but i cant seem to fide a happy medium with my life..
the other weekend me and rachel drove out to the country at like 5 in the morning to look at the stars and we both saw shooting stars and i made a wish to be content with my life. thats all i ever really want.
but its so hard to be content with myself when i keep messing up.. i mean im still learning things i oughta know by now. and its frustrating when i cant ever seem to get my head right
and ive had trouble sleeping because so much runs through my mind that i have these voices in my head making me worry about things and then i have to shake them off and tell myself to stop. now this is unsually strange but its only been for the past 2 nights..but if it continues i think im gonna have to get some help or some medication or something! because its been driving me nuts that i have to cry my eyes out just so i can find some peace to sleep..
all i ever wanna be is happy with my life. i wanna figure out what my purpose is in life and not be upset with the mistakes ive made.. i think i have such a hetic past that i've tried so hard to forget but wont allow myself to. i've got to learn ways to cope with it and let it all go. and the liquor doesnt help..
so ive decided im going to stop drinking liquor atleast for a while and stick to beer if i want to drink
i dont like the person i am when im angry liquored up. and if i dont do something about it im going to make more mistakes and hate the person i am
you see i dont hate the person i know i am..
but i hate the choices ive made.. i say they were out of my control. but i was the one who put my hands on that bottle i should have the control to put it down. i hurt the people that i love the most!
ah ill figure out this shit hopefully soon. because i dont know how much more of this pity party i throw for myself..
i just gotta wake up and live. and make something of each day..
if only i could have this mentality all the time i'd be good as gold..
but nothing gold can stay (thanks robert frost)
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[22 Oct 2008|12:46pm] |
soo hows it going journal? miss me? of course you did!
haha. so whats new you ask? well. i got my job back at leal. so i've just been working there with the little kids and i'm really starting to like it.these little kids are starting to become like my babies!
as far as how depressed i've been latly. thats slowly starting to go away.. it always gets really bad and then it always gets better.. but thats okay with me.. i'm slowly but surely starting to dig myself out of the hole i dug. i've been working out like crazy so my fitness is gettin better i've lost like 5 pounds already but my goal is 30 so we'll see how i'm doin in like a month.. =)
things with justin were seeming like they were finally done but i ran into him last weekend and he didn't stop staring at me.. mainly cause my boobs are like fucking huge but besides all that he kept texting me the next day.. see the thing is i dont think we can ever leave it on terms like its over..we both still want that feeling of wanting each other because we cant have each other. i think its better that way anyways because there were nights where i couldnt go to sleep. but its weird because when i cant sleep at night i just slowly start to daze off becahse i start thinking bout the good times we had and its comforting.. its weird cause i'm really starting to forget all the bad times..why should i dwell on those times anyways. i miss laying next to him.. but im over it.. i am moving on with my life.. and im not doing the whole im gonna show you what your missing.. i'm just gonna be myself but a better improved self. and if he realises it then so be it. and if not then so be that too. but i doubt he wont notice. he really has no idea how much he makes me realise who i wanna be. i think i'll thank him someday =)
sooo not much else to talkn about. life's going pretty well for me. and i might not just be the best yet.. just know i plan to be .. and eveerything will fall into place..cause im a strong believer that everything happends for a reason!!!!
<3 b
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| grr j |
[02 Oct 2008|11:37pm] |
so i was pretty down the other night. i couldn't go to sleep. i stayed up all night thinking about him. all the times.. i mean every single time.. and when i closed my eyes i had images.. so i had to stay up.. sometimes its better to think it and not image it. so i didn't sleep. lol.
ahh you know what im thinking tho?
im thinking im suffering like hell right now. and he's not.
but you know what... he's gonna miss me, he's gonna wish he never would have treated me like that..
just you wait!
ahh till then i gotta heal.. and yeah it's hurt when it heals too. but it'll all get better with time..!!!
i do miss you j. and i wish you could just wrap your arms around me and we could just forget about everything..
but that would be only a moment. but its a shame we gotta spend out times being mad about the same thing
=/
can't get you out of my head >.
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| Time |
[30 Sep 2008|09:36pm] |
so its been forever. im not sure when the last time i even updated but got lots of interesting stuff
sooo im not gonna go into it with complete detail but i found out some things and had to make a big choice..
i feel like i made the right decision. because i feel 10000 times better then i did . i was miserable..
another note. i ended things with justin finally.
its taken me a lot of strength for me to stand up for myself but i was more than ready
and i had my girl rachel there supporting me the whole way..
i dropped a note off in his mailbox explaining that things just arent gonna work out and that i'm ending this chapter in my life. at the end i put "i know what your doing,and its not gonna work this time"
becaaaause he's been talking to me through text about how he likes me and blah blah blah
he's trying to get that possesiveness back in me so he can feel better. He may not do it intentionally but i'm done with it. I'm cutting him off. Love shouldn't be a game. It should be natural and both parties shouldnt care what anyone thinks especially let their friends influence the way we treat each other.
somewhere under his disguise is a a nice guy that i never really got the chance to know because we were too busy doing a shot of whisky or arguing on a tequilla night. Yeah it's like the nights we got along didn't seem to last and the bad nights just took forever to end. I look back and realize how much alcohol affected my actions and how much stuff tyler and justin have put in my head. If i could go back i would do it so differently but with some dignity and respect. But see the thing with that is.. i cant go back.. and its like a really bad chapter in my life that keeps reading itself outloud to me. and a small part of me feels like a need him for some reason.
i can't figure what it is anymore.. at first it was the attraction..which stuck around for quite some time..
but that slowly faded away when i realised that theres more to a six pack .. and that he really isnt that attractive.
then i think its the something i cant have .. but im over that part ..because ive had it so many times before and it was all bad. I try to look for the good in the situation but i cant quite figure it out.
Its only been a day and i still have these thoughts going through my mind..
maybe its the thought of never knowing what we could have been if we had really tried.
but i feel i gave it my all. and all i got was bad..
Talking to C, had really opened my eyes about companion ship. and something i felt was really hard for me and j. but now im slowly turned away by C cause i feel like i was being suffocated and that he just lies about stupid things way too much it bothers me..
but our personalities click to an extent and i want that in a companion.
but is that enough?
i mean really what is it that i want?
should i even be considering a relationship when i need to fix my own self before i give my best to someone.
yeah, im broken but i can clean it up myself.
Sometimes i feel like it was the eyes that get me..
brown eyes are hard to read but i feel like when i looked into them i understand them.
and i can see the pain behind them but its hate,and its arrogance that covers them up so well.
but what do i really think that means? that i get him?
no.
i dont get him. and i never will.
so where do i start from here. and how do i avoid driving past his house cause its on the way to alot of places i go and im not behind the wheel.. how can i not think of him everyday.
maybe it just takes time. and ive told alot of people i can be patient but something like this makes me really impatient. and yes it motivates me but also makes me really weak in the knees trying to hide it.
i guess its not gonna be easy..
heres to you time.
Time, why you punish me?
Like a wave bashing into the shore
You wash away my dreams.
Time, why you walk away?
Like a friend with somewhere to go
You left me crying
Can you teach me about tommorrow
And all the pain and sorrow
Running free?
Cause tomorrows just another day
And I dont believe in time
Time, I dont understand
Time is wasting
Time is walking
You aint no friend of mine
I dont know where Im goin
I think Im out of my mind
Thinking about time
And if I die tomorrow, yeah
Just lay me down in sleep
Time, you left me standing there
Like a tree growing all alone
The wind just stripped me bare, stripped me bare
Time, the past has come and gone
The futures far away
Now only lasts for one second, one second
Can you teach me about tomorrow
And all the pain and sorrow
Running free?
cause tomorrows just another day
And I dont believe in time
Time, why you punish me?
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| hate letter to dad. |
[22 Jan 2008|11:24pm] |
so i have to update because i'm extremely happy
i finally talked to my brother eric.
god. i almost started to cry when he told me and loves me..
you dont know how re-assuring it is to have a male figure in my family let alone life
let me know that and actually believe that.
he said hes gonna call me tomorrow
im kinda scared i told him some things about what dad said
like about how dad blames the boys.
but fuck that shit. how can you blame your own children for commiting suicide?
they didnt do anything horrible to their own mother.
they might have gotten into a few troubles. but tosha was young. she knows what it was like to make mistakes
she commited suicde because of my own flesh and blood father of mine
its sad. i know. but i always said if i have lived with my own father. i would probably also. cock a gun and pull the trigger.
he is the most complicated man i have ever met
i dont think i will ever understand him
and ive come to terms latly that maybe i really dont need him in my life.
as much as he might need me in his life right now. he hasnt done a damn thing.
i need to stop thinking that just because he has money he thinks he can control me.
i need to make my own money and stop waiting around for his.
i fucking hate him. theres not one part of me that loves him.
hes done nothing but fuck with me and my familys head.
he puts my sister down. he puts my grandpa down. he put my mother down. my brothers and sister. and he put my step mom down all the time to the point where she had to go and kill herself.
I'M sure as hell done with letting him put me down. as well as other people he speaks of.
im sick of his arrogant ways of living and how to suceeed in life.
fuck your ways dad. so what if you run a sucessful strip club. big whoppdie fucking doo.
my mom helped you build that bar into what it became.
but thats beside the point.
i dont know where im going in life. i dont know what im gonna be when i get older.
but it sure as hell isnt going to be anything like you.
I CANT name one fucking thing i like about you.
your rude.incoveient.selfish,strict,careless,emotionless, and plain fucking idiotic.
your a fucking idiot.
my whole life all ive wanted to do is be closer to you.
but ive never wanted to be so far away from you right now.
i wish i could have gone my whole life not knowing you.
then you wouldnt have damaged as many peoples life as you have.
and the sad part about it. is you really FUCKING BELIEVE YOUR PERFECT. that you havent done anything wrong to anyones life.ITS BULLSHIT.
i know he didnt force my step mom to pull that gun.my father would never
but he is the reason. he pushed her too far. and he probably put her down that night and made her feel like shit.
and he probably has so much guilt built up.its gonna come down on him one day
and i wont be there to comfort him because i dont care.
i care about my brothers and salina. i fucking love them soooooooooooooooooooooooo much
my fucking family man.
i would fucking die for them.
but i wouldnt die for my own flesh and blood dad.
you know what
because everything that i do will never be good enough for him.
its like when im doing real bad. like rock bottem .eating dirt kinda of thing..
he expects it. and i think he almost likes putting me down and making me feel like im such a fuck up.
and when im actually doing good in my life. its like... i could always be doing better
i know that my brothers and my sisters. and my grandpa and my mom all love me for who i really am.and no matter how much trouble i get into . they would never stop loving me as much because i fucked up
everybody fuckes up.
except my dad who wont admit it.
so heres to you dad.
fuck all your bullshit ways
fuck all those wasted days
fuck all those letters i wrote to you hoping something might changed
fuck all those nights you made me cry
fuck all those nights you pretended like you cared.
fuck all those nights you beat my brothers.
fuck all those nights you made us kids feel not wanted.
fuck all those nights you put me down
FUCK ALL THOSE NIGHTS DAD.
FUCK YOU.!
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[17 Dec 2007|11:10pm] |
okay.. so im updating for the simple fact that some fucking idiot that i dont even know read my journal. and left a fucking comment. putting their input ..
so JUST to let that person know.
This is my life. My Journal. I dont need people's feed back on shit unless its positive. so please keep your negative thoughts in your head and out of my journal.
IM THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN LEAVE SOMETHING NEGATIVE IN MY JOURNAL. SO STAY THE FUCK OUT IF YOU DONT LIKE WHAT THE FUCK I HAVE TO SAY..
anyways..
so im doing my shit. going to my alcohol classes. im starting my G.E.D program tomorrow. and Im going to start doing my community service tomorrow! I've been putting that off for a long time. so i got reported by my bitch p.o.. I really FUCKING hate that bitch. shes been a bitch from day 1. its like people like her you know are just there for the pay-check. they're not there to help me and find alternatives for me. they're just there to make my life worse.
so im gonna have to go to court. and deal with the judge =( I'm not really too worried .. and maybe i should be because there is a chance that i might be going to jail. but i hope thats not the case. im doing my shit... just havent really picked up on doing my community service .. i mean c'mon i got 2 years to fucking do it.! give me a break
ive been going to meetings 5thirty to 8 every monday and thursdsay.. at first i really hated being there. now its kinda like .. its not that bad. but it also sucks just sitting there and hearing other peoples problems.. its like i cant tell them i just got drunk the night before. THEY wuld report my ass.. and I have to pretend like im clean..
They say you can't recover from alcoholism until you hit rock bottem...
well bitches i havent hit rock bottom. im a fucking teenager and I want to fucking drink. and I will fucking drink... and Its gonna be my problem if im like that when i get older. I'll deal with it then.. and until then. im gonna fucking drink.. I know i have some problems but if i told them.. it wouldnt be helping me now would it ? in the sense that im in trouble for drinking.!
blaaaah i realise that i put something stupid in my last entry about my brothers..
i realised that its not me the reason why they havent been talking to me.. its them.. and i didnt understand that.. but ive come to terms with that i know they still love me and they know i still love them.. but right now.. is too soon for them to talk to me.. but eric seems to be doing okay.. he got himself a real pretty girlfriend. tylers engaged and salina seems to be growing into the beautiful person i know she is..
i just hope they know that by what i said was out of anger. and i take it back. i dont want you guys to fuck off. i just wanted you to talk to me. because i love you. and i dont understand what your going through because my mother is still here. and if you ever need to talk or hang out you know where to find me .. i love you boys to death and i miss you guys so much.. and i cant say i wish things would go back to how they used to because we were all so disfunctional in the first place.. i hope we can just grow from all this. and one day ..hopefully we can re-connect and see where we our in our lives.
well.. im ending this entry.. im trying to do better with my life. and im gonna get my act together because im SICK AND TIRED.. OF BEING SICK AND TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
love
-b
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| October 16th,2007 |
[16 Oct 2007|11:19pm] |
So its 2007, and I cant remember what date exacly was the last time i updated .. but damn its been awhile
before i turned 16 i think.. whoo.. yeah so i got off probation .. now im back on it .. this time for a dui.
had my license for 5 fucking months before i had to go fuck up again!
I understand why i have to learn all these lessons.. but why do i have to get punished for them for soo fucking long.. IM SORRY i drove drunk.. its not fucking fair.. i have places i need to go in life.. and not having a car is such a disadvantage,, yeah im so fucking stupid. literally im fucking dumb..
i havent been to school in 3 years.. the whole reason i didn't update these past couple years it because i simply couldnt.
ive been too fucking dumb to put my words together.. i can spell for shit.. and i cant think for shit.
my life sucks.im just wondering when im gonna hit rock bottom... even then ,when i do.. ill prolly go under that..
im seriously going under...
i feel like im tormented daily.. defeated by myself. I cant even talk to anyone. not a single soul. i know this sounds really emo. but i guess i get so emo around this time of the year.. that & i dont know what to do with myself anymore.. i think im gonna rot in my room..
i need help. serious help. theres too much shit i keep bottled up.. and i gotta break through all of this before i fucking kill myself (that was a joke)
speaking of killing your own self..
my step mom shot her self in the head almost 2 months ago. THAT SHITS FUCKED UP!
all these years ive fucking hated her and wanted her gone. she finally is. I never wished death upon her ( okay maybe a few times) but never seariously meant it. Yeah Well.. My brothers moved to geogia. and they wont talk or write me anymore. but oh well fuck em.. I love them to death.. but if there gonna cut me off. then FINE.Fuck you.. Sorry bout your mom. Never will forget the past& our childhood//. And good fucking luck with your future.
you have to move forward in a situation like this.. although the flashbacks are killer..but her death really doesnt effect me.. just effects the ones around me..
so moving on..
god. i dont know wtf else to say.. lifes life.. and im so FUCKING fed up with it.. man, somethings gotta give..
anyways.. sorry for this pathetic,emo, bullshit of an entry...
"poor me" (yeah pour me another one homie)
hah later
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| its 2 am |
[10 Aug 2007|01:50am] |
so i sit here in a pool of my champaigne
my scraped bowl and puffin on the last drag of this damn cigarette
made a buck oh 30 today but i still feel the same
got rid of ring and im sittin' here thinkin..
If would have acted like you did
you would be the one feeling like this
just another mistake thats gonna kill me
could you damage my insides worse than they already are
I have a disease and they cant cure it
& im not talking bout a heart being broken or that uneasy feeling in the stumic
im talking about this burn.,,
you think im not inside there with me
i feel this pain ache inside me yet i still stay home
The doctor wants to save me.. but if i dont want to save myself
why should i even try
Fear is something i cant take straight on.
i rather die than try to fix the mistake i make all the time
& to think it all started inbetween a couple sheets..
I feel ashamed and it makes me so sick
cuz i still want it and i'm hatin' it..
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[28 Apr 2006|12:03am] |
what have i done wrong that i should be sorry?
you broke my heart you left in no hurry
what i'm sorry for is all those wasted days
and all those wasted ways that i loved you.
what didn't i do that made you want to leave me?
my life was so full now it seems so empty
what i didn't do is love you every night
like i wanted to be alive if i couldn't love you
well i'll find another before this nights over
she may not be you, i might not be sober
but i'll make love with her until the morning light
thinking all the while how i could love you
now what have i done wrong that i should be sorry?
what have i done wrong that i should be sorry?
what have i done wrong?
what have i done wrong... that i should be sorry?
i should be sorry
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[03 Apr 2006|03:13pm] |
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mood |
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awake |
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music |
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beauty in the breakdown-TSA |
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So I feel the need to update right here,right now, at this moment. 3:13 in the morning
Well I went to court on the 21st and The report didn't look too good for the judge
I had blown off all my meetings and said I was "sick"
but the truth is I just fell asleep everytime i had a meeting because I was so tired
So the judge sentenced me to 6 days at The Dettention Center.
God. It was hell let me tell you.
It was Tuesday. And Spring Break For all my friends
and The judge had to be a fucking cunt and send me there.
I don't really want to write down detail to detail
because It would just bring back my bad expierence if I re-read this someday.
but pretty much it fucking sucked. and I don't ever want to go back there.
I sat around for 6 days staring at 4 white walls and thought about a lot of shit.
Memories,My Family,what my friends were doing,etc. Just about every little thing that Had happend in my life
but i pulled through 6 days and came home to a clean room..
(beth cleaned my whole entire room)Fucking awesome.
and Rachel,Abby,and beth came over.. we hung out and talked for like 4 r 5 hours
and My Girl Rachel was rolling a blunt like an hour after i got out.
I had never been so happy to see the people I love.. =)
So I've been attending my meetings at the praire center.. and They're not that bad.
They're pretty fucking funny if you ask me. Just a bunch of Stoners forced to go to meetings.
I would love to tell them that. I would Love to stand up and say " you know, after this, we'all are going to smoke a fat bowl or blunt when we leave here"But I have to get a good report. =) So, I'mma Try My best
Cuz I'm still gonna smoke pot. Thats right. I'm still going to.
C-E-R-T-O fucking works everyone! Thats right.
I want to shout it to the world and all the stoners that have to take drug tests
Bahaha. Fuckign Greaaat..
Anyways.
Besides all of the above.
Theres been some drama between all of my friends and I.
Kinda fucking Lame. But I think The past couple days have been so much better.
Well I dunno bout the rest of my friends. But In my eyes.
I'm over anything I've ever gotten mad or irritated about.
Theres no point in causing all this drama and talking behind each others backs.
I love my friends. and If i have a problem with one of my friends. I'll tell them
Instead of Telling another friend. Because thats really what starts the shit talking and back stabbing.
so yeah Good bye Drama.
and welcome my old self back to always being the one who's number one goal is to avoid it =)
Brian Drives me nuts.
and I'm not going to write a long ass paragraph about how I feel because
I don't know how I feel. He sends me mix signals and Doesnt try hard enough.
He's just one of those guys that give me that 'butterflies in the stumic' kind of feeling when Im around him
and I want to hang out more .and I know he feels that way because he said so the last time I saw Him.
But Then why doesnt he do something about it.
Fucking Stupid >.<
Anyways, There was a Tornado warning in champaign tonight. Our power went out for like 5 hours.
Kind of ironic because just yesterday me,hanna,abby,and rachel were talking about how we never had tornado warnings, and how we live in a valley and we'll never get a single fucking tornado here.
Then watdoyaknow .Bam. Tornado sirins going off and Me,Beth,Rachel and her Dad are sitting in their basement listenin to the radio.
haha.. Fucking looosers.
I'm going to bed. I need Sleep and I Got a Meeting tomorrow to go to. Woo. Yah.G'night
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[28 Feb 2006|01:26am] |
Well since the last time I updated,A lot has gone on.
Nothing too exciting so don't pee your pants or anything
lol i'm such a loser I'm acting like someone actually reads this
but thats the way I like it. so anyways moving on
Well I stopped for a good 2 weeks without pot. Took My next test and passed it
I think it had a lot to do with the fact that
I drank like 10 million glasses of water the whole day before i took my test
only because I got drunk the night before, and I didn't want alcohol to show up
So that night I was craving to smoke. and I've been smoking ever since that night.
I'd quit for like a few days but then just give in to it after awhile
but i know i gotta stop so I don't go to jueve.Because i have too much going for myself right now
then to waste 30 days of my life sitting in jueve with a bunch of kids that ended up in the same situation
who knows maybe even worse
but i havent smoked for 2 days now. So Well see how things go.
I have a meeting on wensday to go down to the court house
to take math lessons from a tutor but I hope she doesnt ask me to pee in a cup
cause its still in my system,Gr. I gotta go to court like next month.
Well Latly my weekends have slowly started getting a lot better
Me and The girls have been chillin with rob and everyone over at his house
and I've gone to more kegs I have in the past month then I have ever gone to.
I love it and I'm starting to get back into the beer drinkin thing
I met Brian the first couple of nights we went over there
The first night he was a real dick to me
But then the next weekend after that..he just seemed full of bullshit to me because he was being real nice
but i gave in to him..and 2 weeks later I've hooked up with him on some drunk shit.
But he's really sweet and caring..he makes sure I feel safe thats for sure.
but he's 22 so I think he'd be scared to try and be with a 15 (almost 16 =) ) yr old.
but i don't think he wants to try anything regardless..
I knew i shouldnt have slept with him on the first night.
and there was another night. hah. but i dunno ,maybe it wouldnt have mattered.
but he's really cool..and were friends regardless of the random nights we have or will hook up on.
moving on..
Friday Night.. Me,Beth and Molly got in a Car accident
Beth totaled her car. and It sucked big time.
i've never been in a car accident and it was a shitty first one..
Well the whole deal is..
we couldnt see the stop sign because it was really dark and all these trees were infront of it.
and there was no sign that said to turn only left and right. So beth blew the stop sign.
and we ramped off into a ditch that was atleast 10 feet down.It was really scary
but I'm just glad were all alive. I just got a bruise on my chest and its starting to turn yellow
gross. But hopefully everything turns out alright.
This past month I've been learning a lot of things about myself.
and I've grown into a better person i think.
Maybe a little wiser when it comes to things with my friends and their boyfriends.
I'm just happy I'm not wrapped up and sprung like they are.
and god i sure hope I dont ever. Thats just not me. and people can say whatever they wanna say
like "oh shes never had a serious boyfriend, and when she will , she will understand"
Uhm No Don't think so. I know who I am and what I'm like if it ever came down to it.
but I'm so completely OVER it. I'm not even one bit mad at them anymore.
I was at first.but it was just a big dose of it and I hadnt smoked pot throughout those couple weeks of it
I love Rachel and Beth.. and If they want to hang out with their boyfriends 24/.7 then go on ahead
I'm happy for them.
I shouldnt depend on them anymore like I have.
I depend on me.and only me now. because I know I wont let myself down.
and I'm much happier being more independent on my own.
I've defintely grown apart from them because of everything
but i don't mind.its better this way. =)
cauuuuse i've been having tons of fun kickin it every weekend going to all these kegs and parties
I'm loving it..Every single minute of it..
Life is Good Right Now.
Be happy for me..cause I never really ever say that.
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[10 Jan 2006|01:51am] |
i think its funny how i update whenever im trippin on adderall..
i mean im not really trippin but i can defintely feel it..
but anyways, im updating because a couple things have happend latly
well so far.. this is day 8 on not smoking any pot.. i'm not really feeling that many withdrawls.
but i had my first dream about pot today, and i heard that when going through withdrawls
you have dreams usually for the first year.. so ill probably be having them a lot
i dont like it, i dont like waking up.. and knowing that i dreamed about pot..
this dream was extremly weird..because i was smoking a bowl with my sister..and that would never happend ever..but i was dreaming bout smoking bud with my sister..and my mom was sitting in between us..and we were passing the bowl right infront of her..weird huh?
atleast in my dream i was high.. haha.. i dunno i hate watching everyone else get high , but i mean this is my fault..i did this to myself..i dont deserve it..but god, someone gave this oppotunity for me to quit for some reason
well saturday night, we were chillin over at hanna's boyfriend's neighbor's house..and a couple of andy's friends came over.. chris and mike.. well it all started off by a game of pool with mike..and he kept flirting with me..and they asked if we wanted to go pick their friend joe up.. so me and rachel went with them..and he kept feelin on me..and was talkin about trying to go up to a room whenever we get back.. my drunk ass..and feenin for some sex ass .. gave in..and i mean dont second guess me..i am a slut..and i love sex..
it was good sex..he's pretty cute i mean.. blonde hair..blue eyes..skinny tall..good sex.. good job .. he's 21.. haha... oopps..but ONE fucking problem.. hanna told me he's had a girlfriend for 2 years.. and thats not twerkin.. he's a shady mother fucker if he cheated on his girlfriend of 2 years..but i mean hanna told me she cheated on him..so thats probably why he cheated on her.. but he called me today while i was shoppin at walmart with hanna.. and he wanted to know if i wanted to go watch a movie with him and prolly have sex.. but i mean im sick and tired of fucking these random guys..
WHY cant i just find a nice guy.. and build a relationship.. all my friends have no problem finding one.. i guess i just have bad luck or something..i dunno i wouldnt blame anyone for not wanting to date me..besides..you DONT want to date me..im stubborn..clausterphobic..mean..stupid.. i just wish someone could look past all that..but i guess no one does..i dont blame em..
im just lonely ..and i think thats why i fuck these random guys..i cant help it.. i mean if i cant be close to some emotionally..then i wanna be close to someone physically does that make sense? my god .. im retarded..
anyways.. im out..just had to get that out..cause im sure none of my friends would want to hear me talk about that.. or even care.. there too busy speaking and thinking about their own guys to worry about my problems..
later
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[03 Jan 2006|09:52pm] |
i know it may seem like im not acting like myself today
but i feel so different today
not right,stressed and all i wanna do is smoke some pot
but i cant.. today is my first day in quiting..
fucking sucks..and i hate it..and i feel mean and angry
god,smoking right now would just be so nice
i feel like crying
this is gonna be so hard..
all of my friends are fucking pot heads
and everyone i hang out with just somehow always has pot
how can i not smoke..
im not saying i smoke because everyone else does..
but if everyone else didn't smoke
i wouldnt be around it..and i wouldnt smoke at all
make things a lot easier.. but im not asking anyone to quit smoking with me..
god, i feel like shit.. like i dont wanna be alive right now..
am i soppose to feel like this .. i fucking cant take knowing i cant smoke..
im just going to break down i know it..
im such a baby
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