| so smile for awhile and lets be jollly i dont see why love has to be so melancholy |
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| 05:14pm 29/09/2003 |
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mood: KoRny music: korn: children of the korn
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Sunday, september 21, 2003
(9:33 p.m.)
subject: lying next 2 hom as the rain drops kissing our naked skin
music: the suicide machine: "i never promised you a rose garden"
mood: poeticly beautiful :)
sorry, its been a while since my last update. hurricane isabell hit us pretty bad for only being a catagory 2. we havent had power since wednesday morning and havent got back our phone yet because a small tree knocked down the line. bummer.
we left wednesday morning and went to virginia to stay with some friends. man if it wont a full house. me, mom,dad,toni,james,melody,david,jennifer,ken,and toni's mom. we faught about everything. we stayed up all night playing poker and rummy. i lost 15 dollars in poker so i didnt play anymore after that. bad times. bad times.
ive learned my lesson about drinking 7-11 coffee before you eat anything. goes through you like water. nasty...
thursday night, after the worse part of the hurricane was over, we started to get on each others nerves and started to have mad crazy cabin fever. jennifer and i had to take david to get his refill meds on some kind of medicine because he had a panic attack from all the stuff that was going. trees were down everywhere. they lost pawer in virgina around 6:30 a.m. and they still havent got it back up down there. the neighbors that stayed told us that the power went out wednesday night around 8 and we just got it back an hour ago. cold showers all around. good times good times.you could hear mom in my shower last night about to cry because of the cold water. poor thing.
NOTE TO EVERYONE: WE HAVE 3 CASES OF GALLONS OF WATER AND IF YOU NEED ANY CALL ME.
robert went home to Creswell on wednesday and i havent talked to him since then. im getting worried. ive spent atleast $20 on long distance calls trying to get a hold of him. 10 10 987 dont help but so much.(ive been calling from greatgrandmas house)
an old man hit our car tonight because he was in a hurry to get home before the curfew. he was making a right hand turn from a left hand lane and put a dent in our hood with his fender. he was 83 years old. what the hell are you doing driving at the age of 83 especially when you cant see over the dashboard? hes going to pay to get the scratches and the dent taken out of it. thank god. (we have curfew because there's still alot of places without power and people like to steal especially when its dark and you cant see so we have a curfew that we have to be in at 7 or we're going to get locked up.)
now that the power is back on i have lots of stuff to do tomorrow.
* fall in love with robert as i do every morning
* wash bedsheets
* sweep and mop
* go jogging around 6
* clean bathroom
* finish washing some clothes
* find rest of my pens that i lost
* clean kitchen
* clean off computer desk
* call robert and niki
* vacuum living room and bedroom
* pick up bedroom
* finish writing journal entry for crt. wrt. and make copy for hn. eng. iii
* help greatgrandma clean up yard
^^none of these are in numerical order^^
lots and lots to do. hopefully robert's phone will be working.
i havent wrote alot of poetry lately. i think its because of the damn storm. (we have Hurricane Marty(since when did a hurricane get named after my best bud?) on its way in the next 2 weeks. yay for us.) im going to stay up late tonight and see if i cant write any. the last one i wrote was the one i wrote last sunday in church.
** i can see the flaws of heaven in your eyes **
these battle wounds
have bled a thousand times for you
and this only makes ita thousand and one
you grind this dull rusted blade
into the same empty
every time you sit there with nothing to say
time doesnt heal all wounds
it has worsend this hole of infection
in my heart
the blood simmers
as i grow angrier everyday
i've veen brainwashed
by your flaws of misunderstood happiness
for too damn long
i cant stand the look of your adorable face
any longer
your cheesy romantacism
isnt working now
(the sermon was on time not healing all wounds hense the inspiration)
i also squeezed some lines out of my head wednesday before we left.
sun starts to cry
--
moon turns to rust
--
till the stars fill my eyes
and we share the last touch
--
so smile for a while
and lets be jolly
love shouldnt be so melancholy
(^isnt going to be a line in a poem but i thought it was funny)
--
ive wasted most of my days chasing
instead of catching and keeping
the only one i chase is you now
and sometimes i feel as if im running up hill
just to get you to love me
--
its too late to scream
--
is it too late to heal?
--
the beat of your heart beats me straight into the gournd
well i have to empty the dishwasher. so im off. adieu...
"parting is such sweet sorrow that i shall say, 'good night' 'til it be 'morrow."
monday, sepember 22, 2003 (10:25 a.m.)
subject: "procrastinate now. dont wait." ^ ellen degeneras
music: yellowcard: "powder"
mood: lazy
i havent started cleaning yet. im such a procrastinator. i didnt do much writing last night. i was too tired and too hot. (our a.c. isnt working right we think the pinestraw is clogging it.)
i think a got a couple of things down and i think i almost made a poem but it dont really sound right.
** parting is such sweet sorrow **
everything in shambles
every piece of the puzzle
isnt fitting
using the scissors (dont think i spelled that right) to fit the pieces
into the empty black holes
super gluing them to fit
waking to my empty arms
spending the night hugging your picture
your lingering smell
slowly evaporating off my pillow
as i kiss our memories goodnight
the beating sound of your heart
use to lie next to mine
now the remnant sound
of your beating heart
is slowly beating me into the ground
--------------
doesnt sound right,right? i havent had the emo mod to right poetry lately maybe if i listen to more emo itll hit me and i can write some later.
anyways. i think maybe i need to start cleaning so i can lay around for the rest of the day. ciao.
"good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much, which mannerly devotion shows in this, for saint have hands that pilgrims hands do touch, & palm to palm is holy palmers kiss."
Sunday, september28,2003(1:41-2:39 am)
music: nirvana: you know youre right
mood: insomnia
subject: if i could sleep forever id be of him i dream
im sooooo bored. i want to sleep. i have nothing to do. i want to call bert but i cant because they're is no phone (and his grandparents would probably shoot me next week because im calling so late), i want to channel surf but i cant because theyre is no cable. damn the hurricane. damn the phone company. damn the cable company. damn the person who invented being bored. err...
i even tried writing poetry. still aint(dont you love redneck ebonics) in the mood. i only got some few stupid lines.
i watch your sleeping eyes
and feel at peace with the world
----------------
lying next to him as he whispers,"you're my shooting star."
-----------------
please use my body as i sleep
-----------------
my lungs are fresh
and yours too keep
kept clean
and they will let you breathe
------------------
the best part of what had happend
was the part i must have missed
---------------
i am too weak to be your cure
----------------
if dreams are made of these moments
then why do i still have nightmares
----------------
unspeakable thoughts
---------------
being with you is the only
glimpse of heaven ill ever have
---------------
avoiding situations
that will show
that youre not real
all i want is the gift of forever
in a big wrapped box
topped with a pink ribbon
----------------
the reflection of this broken mirror
seems to be distorted...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i miss the days when i use to be proud of poetry and i use to be good at writing. i think its because ive been too happy lately. i wish i was still an emo in the poetic sense. id rather feel crappy and write good poetry than to be happy and not write poetry.
maybe if i stop taking those vitamins the doctor told me to take so ill start acting like i use to. not the spoiled brat type. but the calm, not always so happy, amy. i laugh way too much now. can you die from over laughing? maybe i should stop.
i use to be so happy when it rained but now i hate rain. when it rains is when i usually get in my mood to write poetry. its raining now. and i want it to stop. when i use to have insomnia i would write mad crazy poetry. not now. now all i want to do is turn off the lights and go to sleep, but i cant because its raining and im waitng for the feeling of being poetic to hit me, damn feelubgs.i wish they were like a light switch. if they were id be emo poetic before school and turn it off during school. except during lunch, and after school turn it back on again.
by-the -way, i almost had to eat lunch by myself friday because ashley and frances werent there. but then christopher happend to be there with jeremiah so they ate with me. before the two of them got there i had to argue with some stupid freshmen who wanted to sit in MY booth. they know that only upper-classmen can sit in the booths, unless the lower-classmen are invited to sit in them. what were they thinking?
i know how they feel, sortof, when i was a freshmen i wanted to sit at the booths. but then i started to talk to the upper-classmen, bret bowman. god he was soo hot. he still is. i saw him the other day, he came to school to get his s.a.t. scores from student services and came to lunch to see his friends. he hugged me. i always use to love his hugs, before robert, they were so nice and tight, and warm. he hugged me like he ment it, which i knew he did.
he use to come into my fourth period when i was a sophmore and sit there and watch the movies with me. he use to joke frances and i use to get onto him about it, but then i realized how all the things he said about her to some extent were true.
ok, amy stop thinking about bret, those days are over, you can have the love affair with robert anytime you want.
robert and i had one of those romantic dates today, which i really laughed alot (damn smiles), we went out to eat, went to muddys, and then went to the park and layed in his back seat and just held each other. it was wonderful. see, these are the only times i want to laugh, when hes not around whats the point of being happy?
i wish i could turn off my brain and go to sleep. theres nothing memorable coming out of them, besides the documentary on serial killer movie i watched the other, which is something i dont want to remember because it scares the begees out of me. its been a really long time since ive had something scare me that bad, and now since ive watched that movie thats all i can think about (besides robert, of course). i think it scared me so much because it was a true story, and its scares me how there could really be someone out there like that. cannibal, stalker, cut-your-head-off-and-stick-your-head-in-a-jar-in-the-freezer type of person. these are the times i hate being white, and lord knows im not trying to be sterotypical or racist, but the movie said that over 98% of serial killers are middle aged white males. and that america prduces over 75% of the serial killers. and most of their victims are women. and these are also the times i hate being american, wait a minute, i always hate being american, but thats besides the point. the point is the movie scared the shit out of me.
i havent said one cus word today until i started writing. see what being deprived of so many things but being scared by one thing can do to a person. (i start scratching at the walls like a prisoner. let me out of here before i become someones bald bitch called bertha. nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.)
i went shopping the other day, i had to get a skirt for church when i go to roberts church to see him preach next sunday. im so proud. (sniff. sniff. i need a tissue. mommie!!) anyways, my skirt is brown and pretty, it comes down to the top of my knees, and i got a white tee that says "every girl loves a dirty cowboy." suitable for church, i think. thank god for Belks clothing store, always cums (no pun intended) through in a pinch.
i also got a new pair of sunglasses because my other ones broke so i went and got a pair just like the ones that broke except they're brown.
well im going to try and sleep. pray for me.
NOTE TO SELF: PRAY MORE.
ciao.
"im singing to my goat and he ate my shirt." fred durst.
"if we are what we eat, then theres a chance i could be you tomorrow." -dohmer (off the serial killer movie)
sunday.september 28, 2003 (7:42 p.m.)
mood: upset and cranky oh yeah and bored
music: she thinks my tractor's sexy
subject: "i was with you when you baught your first pair of sneaks, converse i think."-jill scot
"i'm bored" is beinning to become my theme song. maybe i should throw on a batman cape and start a t.v. show. "duna duna nuna nuna bored girl! she's slower than a snapping turtle with a broken hip who needs an enema."ill use my cat as a sidekick, no no, robert will be my sidekick, chicken boy!!! "cluck cluck" i should get "im bored" tattoo upside down and backwards on my forhead. think id get alot of attention?
roberts having a kick ass time at the tobey keith concert right now and im stuck at home watching the blue screen prjected onto my bed because i forgot to urn of my v.c.r. he's supposed to be here. damn him. damn tobey keith. stupid redneck.
ive watched the same movies for the past two weeks and im bored. i know the movies by heart. i was watching rogers and hammersteins "cinderella" (the really old one, not the one with brandy in it) and i noticed that i knew every word to the songs they were singing. i need a life. no erase that i have a life, i need more moives. i need a phone. i need cable. i need to shower i stink.
it just hit me, maybe the concert was cancelled on a count of rain. it was raining earlier. maybe, just,maybe. na it wont because he wouldve stoped here on the way home. what time did the concert start?
we saw dorthy last night at muddys and she wasnt stuck up frances' ass, suprisingly. i havent seen a hide or hair of franny since school got out because of the hurricane, not that im worried. i havent seen melissa, im alittle worried now. maybe i should call. how? damn phone company (ive said that for the thousnth time.)
im so bored i even miss going to ms. farrers foods and nutirtion class. lord knows that women is annoying.
QUESTION OF THE DAY: IF ITS A FOODS AND NUTRITIONS CLASS THEN WHY ARENT WE COOKING GOOD FOOD INSTEAD FRYING THINGS.
i miss my attitude i use to have about life before i started going out with robert. dont get me wrong i love being with robert and i love the feeling i get when im around him. but i mean before he and i started dating i use to go out with friends and stuff like that and now i dont anymore. i stay at home because i dont want to miss his calls. and i dont turn him down when he wants to come over because he might get mad at me like i get mad at him when he says he is going to come over and then doesnt. i feel like im becoming the "beck and call girl" and thats not what i want. i forgot where i was going with this conversation.sometimes i wish that i could just give him part of my brain so he could see what i really want. not material wise but i mean when he tries to act sweet to me. i love when he plays around and stuff but thats all he really is doing is playing around i wish he could be more serious when it comes to being sweet. he uses the same old cleche` lines when hes being sweet. its not getting old and i know this is probably gong to hurt his feelings when he reads this but i need to put that out for someone to know. i just wish he could make up some more lines more creative lines but if he doesnt i ll be just as happy with him and ill love him just as much.
well i need to go do the dishes. ciao.
" i prepared a lecture on why i have to leave."
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