| Rancid Petals | ||||
| 03:05pm 25/05/2003 | ||||
Imperfectious imperfection All she needs is some attention Some affection And maybe a sense of belonging She's been abandoned Left Behind Her still beating heart Ripped from her chest Blood dripping down to the carpet As she holds the half rusted razor in her hand The pain is such a pleasure for her. ------end of poem------- alright whats the deal with parnets jumping to conclusions? my mom read that poem and shes threatening to send me to an institution or to take me a counselor. what the hell? im not depressed. yes, i know the poem is alittle angry, ok maybe morbidly(dont think thats a word) angry, but i mean its the way i express my anger. isnt writing out my anger better than acting out my anger? im not a "cutter" and my still beating heart hasnt been ripped from my chest. i dont need to cut myself to see how much it bleeds. i have a sense of belonging, i get alot of attention, and i get a shit load of affection from bert. im the "good little christian girl" or "miss mary sunshine" as some people call me, i believe in god, all in all i have a pretty good life. so whats the problem? people have read that poem and they say its alittle morbid or alittle angry but theres nothing wrong with it, they actually thinks its a good use of words. anyways, i havent been writing lately because im too lazy to turn on the computer. niki was getting all huffy and puffy about not having thing to read in charlie or mine's journal when she's bored. so hopefully shes happy. :) i love you niki. oh! and of course i love you too robert. niki has started helping me workout for volleyball tryouts in august. i need help with lining up my serves. i got hit in the face twice yesterday. once by niki dawg and the other by david. it didnt really bother me when niki did it, but when david did it i was ready to beat his ass. it really hurt. :( niki, robert, and i were supposed to go to church together and then head down to the beach afterwards to let niki see "her josh"...... stupid basterd. im not going to explain why i think he's a stupid basterd because i dont think its my place. but anways we didnt got the beach because robert had plans with his family so hes coming over today to take me out at like 5:30 i had the weirdest dream last night... it was a mix of "buffy the vampire slayer," "scooby doo," and "jurassic park" well, i was like this store clerk type thing by day and by night i was the dinosaur slayer type thing, and jordon was like a long last friend and he came to town and hes like "amy i know your the slayer" and i was like "ok whatever" and then jamie from the real world (he's hott!!!!) was like the rugged best friend/lover of mine. (he was taking the place of my bert.) and we were chasing these huge dinosaurs and stuff and we had to camp out in the van (scooby doo) and we could all fit into this little itty bitty sleeping bag which was very weird and in the morning we went back to my store which in real life is the movie theater in town by the mall and eric was thowing a big party and i caught him fucking some really fat chick in the back of the van. then niki, mom, and dad woke me up. i have to sign off now i need to get ready because bert's coming over and im hoping ill get some if you know what i mean (wink wink nudge nidge) oh yeah i forgot to mention that i got like 9 condoms in the mail yesterday from somoe anonymous address. mom took them all because she said that i wouldnt have sex if i didnt have them. like thats going to stop me.... |
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discontent| niki | ||||
| 10:40pm 25/05/2003 | ||||
I said that to my gay friend marty one time about him and his boyfriend dave when they were fighting, and not like niki is gay or anything, but that quote kind of pertains to her and josh's situation. she sits there and she says how much she likes him but then he treats her like "crap" i guess you'd say. he acts like he doesnt have time for her. hes hot one minute and cold the next.whats up with that? and if he says that he misses her like he does then he'd make more of an effort to see her. i mean i understand that he works, and he has school at coa, and he lives at them beach, but i mean if he really wanted to start something with her he'd make more of an effort. i love the girl to death (not like that), i mean shes my best bud, and i feel like she's setting herself up for heartache as if its not hurt already. i dont want her to dig herself deeper into a 50 ft. grave that josh is going to barry her alive in. as concerned as i am i understand her point of view of how she wants to learn the lesson herself like alittle kid's mother who says "dont touch a hot frying pan" does the kid listen? no. he wants to learn the lesson himself so he touches the pan and burns the nerve endings off his fingers, like every other 3 year old does. ok maybe im just reading too much into something thats none of my bees wax, so im just going to drop it. anyways my date with robert was by far the best one yet. 7 and half months of nothing but making out, making love, and short conversations(30 minutes)... he and i finally had a 2 hour conversation over how its going to be like when i become a preachers wife. i was alittle upset because my views on the bible are alittle different than his. hes more conservative and im more "im going to party likes its 1999". like the part in the bible where it says" a women can't teach an older man" now me being the independent woman i really disagree. aren't women and men supposed to be created equal? i do believe thats its in the decloration of independence. and in the bible it says to follow the law. and he believes that you should atleast wear a skirt to church, whereas i believe since God has seen you in worst and he has seen me naked im going to dress in my pjs or in pants tee and flip flops. well parents are mad so i have to go. |
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curious| bertandernie | ||
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