| hey all |
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| 09:15am 16/09/2004 |
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mood:  relieved music: Limp Bizkit - Behind Blue Eyes
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hey ya.....man, what a week....i've been worrying about the whole david/benny situation, but i just got a letter (finally) from david....he says that he's really dissapointed in me, but that he still loves me, that i have to choose between him and benny, that he hopes that it is me, because if i keep sleeping with benny, that he dont think that he could be with me.....but benny has said maybe 5 sentences to me since the day happened...so i know he dont really give a shit.....it was nice when it happened, and i wish that we could still be friends, but that'll be ok if not, i want nothing to interfere with me and david anymore, i'm just going to work and do school....anyway, i have a painting class, i thought that i'd tell all of ya that dont read this....ttyl |
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| *sob* |
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| 11:35pm 07/09/2004 |
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mood:  guilty music: Limp Bizkit - Behind Blue Eyes
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i am so confused...well no, really my mind is clear for the first time in months... yesterday, after ross and i got into it, well sometime during....i wrote david a letter explaining myself to him about the whole thing....i dont even want benny anymore...i got a letter from david today, and all it was was continuous guilt...he tells me he loves me like 5 times, he says that he's happy that i'm helping him through this time, and that he's proud that i'm making such an effort about being with him....see what i mean? but it does clear up in my head what i want...i want david, but i dont know if i have that second chance....and it really saddens me that i put a lifelong friendship and a new really good relationship on the line for some guy i dont even know...*sigh* i just hope that he can find it in his heart to forgive me...and let me try to prove to him that i love him, more than life itself...well, i'm gonna go...i have to get up early for class.... |
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| grrrrr |
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| 07:53pm 06/09/2004 |
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mood:  frustrated music: Limp Bizkit - Behind Blue Eyes
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well me and my brother got into it real good just a little bit ago, about benny, see i'm still going out with david....and david and ross are still really good friends.....so i guess ross had to bitch me out about it....but all he needed to do is sit down and talk tome about it, not bitch me out, i feel bad enough about shit...anyway, i'm talking to someone, so i'll talk later.... |
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| *sigh* |
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| 03:38pm 06/09/2004 |
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mood:  melancholy music: Limp Bizkit - Behind Blue Eyes
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well, i was supposed to go and watch benny fish again today, we were supposed to bring the alcohol that we didnt drink last night and just have a good time. but steph decides to go and visit her friend in eddyville, after she'd already made plans to visit with her friend sara and take me to go see benny....she irritates me sometimes when she does that, but that's ok, i need to forget about benny anyway....if he's just gonna be one of those guys that fucks and leaves....i dont really want to be obsessed with him anyway, i guess he's somewhat of a man whore, but there are always the people that change someone, i could be that person....and also it occured to me today that i could have got knocked up by a 34 year old mexican yesterday...very highly unlikely, but you never know, i didnt use a condom or anything...(we were in the water, how could we?) anyway, i was just thinking if i had to tell my mom that kind of news.... *shudder* lol, anyway, i hope we can at least be friends that can hang out sometimes, he's very cool...anyway, i have like 3 chapters to read before tomorrow, so i think i'm gonna go, ttyl... |
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| oh yeah... |
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| 01:38am 06/09/2004 |
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mood: hot music: ICP - Cemetary Girl
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also, steph and i were talking about benny, and i guess that he's somewhat of a man-whore.....which i'm kind of nervous about....but i should have kind of guessed when he started trying to get into my pants like 10 minutes into the water....but i'm most afraid that i'm getting hurt-yet again....i'm so tired of people using me for sex.....and that seems to be all that any guy can try and get me for....and i hate it....anyway....i dont really know what to say to him tomorrow when i see him, i want to talk to him about it, but i dont want to sound like some desperate little girl...i mean he is like 34 years old...which wouldnt bother me at all, age difference seems to be the thing now days....but i dont think that he even would like to attempt to try a relationship, but if he asked me, i would give it a go...maybe if we get to talking about it again then i will bring all this stuff up...welps, i'm tired, i'm going to bed... |
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| hrm... |
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| 01:30am 06/09/2004 |
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mood: crushed music: Nickelback's - Someday
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welps....he never called or showed up, so i dont know what the problem is....he seemed just fine when he left...but maybe today just wore him out, plus he poked himself in the eye with a screwdriver either saturday or sunday, and it was really bothering him....so i'm thinking that may have something to do with it...but me and steph are gonna go see him at work and then watch him fish tomorrow afternoon, i hope anyway....i told her about me and him, she wasnt mad.....but she was kind of drunk when i told her, so maybe (hopefully) she wont remember it....it was one of those things that you really want to keep to yourself because it was most awesome and you want it to keep special to you, but it was also really so awesome that you HAVE to tell someone....lol but anyway, i really like him, he's a nice guy and he's good at what he does....*grin* but i'm tired so i think that i'm gonna go to bed....toodles |
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| wahhh!!! |
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| 08:20pm 05/09/2004 |
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mood:  devious music: Limp Bizkit - Behind Blue Eyes
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hey all. i just had the most fun afternoon in a long time....see like in the beginning of july, my roommate stephanie's friend benny, he told me since i couldnt go out and get drunk on my birthday that the weekend after that, we would go drinking together... well i'd never even talked to him before this, so i took it as just something that someone had told me and they wouldnt do it...well yesterday when i was in marshalltown, he called steph and was talking about taking me out like he promised. well, since i was gone, we planned to do it tonight....well he called me this morning and asked me what i was doing that afternoon, and i told him nothing, and he asked me to go bow fishing with him...well i said something about going swimming after that, and so he said ok....well we went bow fishing, which i had no idea people even did that kind of thing, but it's like deer hunting but with fish....we stood off of the damn here in town and he kept shooting at fish with his bow and arrow...he's really good at it too!! anyway, after that, we went to lake wappello to go swimming.... we swam out to the bouys and then back to where we could touch, and we started to wrestle in the water...well, flirting started and one thing led to another and we ended up doing stuff, but it was really ok with me....even though he's like 13 years older than me....it was really awesome...we talked about it on the way home, and he said we'd play stuff by ear...also that i was better looking than steph...speaking of which, we had to stop and get her dorm keys and she came out all excited because she'd taken some stacker 3s, and benny was talking to this guy on his side, and steph whispers "man i want sex" and i was like with who? and she just lookes over my shoulder, and so i point to the guy that benny was talking to, and she shakes her head no, and so i point at benny, and she just grins real big...she asked me what i thought of it. i almost laughed....but i just said that it would be up to him.....then we went back and he dropped me off, and he's supposed to be calling me here soon to tell me he's on his way....i'm just waiting....but when he dropped me off, he kissed me good bye...i cant wait to see what happens tonight...lol well i'm off, i'll prolly tell you tomorrow what happens.... |
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| j-u-s-t-i-n....ahhhhhhh!!! |
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| 11:51pm 03/09/2004 |
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mood:  exhausted music: Maroon 5 - I don't mind spendin' every day...
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still, cant get him out of my head..but he's got company now...lol...there is this guy at work, it sickens me to even think this way, but he's so hot....he's got this great ass, and he knows it, he wears jeans that just intesifies it even more....*grin* the gross part is that he's pretty old...like 30-34 maybe...and he's got a really hairy chest...but his ass and the way his eyes are (plus the fact that he has really cute dimples when he smiles) makes up for the old and hairy part...heh heh anyway...also there is this guy at work, he's got the piercing in between his eyes, on the bridge of his nose, and i've wanted to ask him since the first day that i worked there if it hurt for him to get it done, and i've got my chance tonight...he's also got the middle membrane thing in his nose done, and (i've never seen this one) one in his gums, in between his two top middle teeth...i wonder how he did that....he's also got his labre pierced, and some wierd spots in his ears.....he talked to me a little tonight...about piercings and such...but i still thought about justin more than i think i should.....but i talked to a friend last night and she (and her b/f) said that i should more openly flirt with him and see what happens...what's the worse that could happen? lol so next time i get to be there when he's there, i'll do just that, not to the extent that they told me to, but a little more than i did before....but anyway, i need to go, my brother is comming to pick me up so we can go to my mom's tonight still yet and then church and marshalltown tomorrow....toodles all you non-readers... |
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| still.....justin |
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| 12:10am 03/09/2004 |
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mood: depressed music: Usher - Burn
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hey there....i just am at a loss...i like justin so much....and i know that i (probably) will never have a chance to let him know how i feel, plus, if i do, i'll just (probably) get rejected again...i'm tired of finding guys that only want me for sex or when i finally find someone that i actually want to attempt a good relationship with, they arnt interested, and they just turn up there nose at me......i mean he's nice to me...but he also dont know that i like him either....if he found out that i liked him more than just hanging out and making fun of his sister and looking at each other in a knowing way when someone says something that's obviously dumb.....i think that he'd not really talk to me anymore...but ever since i first saw him....there was just so much going through my mind...about him....i think that he's so awesome, the way he looks, the way he acts...but the way he looks is only a miniscule part of it.....i just felt something about all of it that just felt so.....right....and it sucks....i dont know, i've made myself cry, i'm going to go.... |
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| justin justin justin justin justin justin thats all i think about!!! |
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| 12:40pm 01/09/2004 |
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mood:  predatory music: Maroon 5 - This Love
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oh my good lord, i cannot stop thinking about my roommates brother...i cant remember if i've said anything about him in here before, but he's the hottest thing on this planet almost....i cant believe it.....and i cant stop thinking about him...i mean the whole time i'm at work, justin....going to sleep, justin....in class, justin....in the shower, justin....and the wierd thing is, usually when i'm liking a guy....i just flirt with them...but they never really affect what i do..but i've been out to eat with him and his family, and when he's around, i cant eat!! no one has ever really done that to me....made me so nervous that i couldnt eat....anyway.....oh he's so hot....grrr cant get his smiling face out of my head...and then the first time that i ever saw him (which was last saturday) he didnt have a shirt on....i almost gasped out loud....and that night when i was going to sleep, i cried because i knew that i'd never really be able to have him prolly.....but he flirts with me... he grabbed my side the other day at this restaraunt....just him touching me for that split second made me want to jump him.....*sigh* i guess only time will tell about what may or may not happen...
oh yeah i forgot to mention that i got a job...it sucks, i work in the cafeteria at a meat packing plant in town here....if i had some decent shoes, it would be a hell of alot better...i dont mind the work except that it makes my feet hurt so bad....but anyway, it's money....so i guess i'll write more another day....toodles |
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| *completley, psychotically, insanely----bleaaahhhh!!!!* |
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| 03:26pm 29/08/2004 |
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mood:  distressed music: Gorillaz-Clint Eastwood (2000)
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hey there all, i have so much on my mind today....for one, it's my 21st birthday!!!! so that's good. i've been moved into my college room for less than 4 hours and i've already got someone wanting to fuck me......well david is clear in mt. pleasant....so whatever he dont know wont hurt him. like how he's not going to know that i'm gonna prolly go to new york to meet a guy that i've been talking to on here for like 3 years now.....anyway....other than that, i finally have met steph's brother...and he's really hot!! i actually cried last night when i was going to sleep because i think that he's so good looking, and i know that i'll never have a chance to get with him.....but i guess that i'll never know huh? one of my roomies moved out as we were moving in...the really messy one, so there is only three of us, for which i'm really happy....ummm there is so much to be done on this room/apartment....organizational wise....it's not to messy, once steph has all her stuff put together. it'll be alot better. she dont have stuff as much as before, so i'm glad about that too.....anyway i'm gonna get going, i think that i might take a shower and stuff.....make my bed, stuff like that....well toodles for now..... |
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| grrrrr |
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| 09:13pm 20/08/2004 |
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mood:  confused music: Brian Adams - Everything I Do
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why must life be so difficult? i went to see david today, and all it did was confuse me more.....i love him to death...but he acted a bit uninterested today....it's like he's only telling me that he loves me so i'll keep writing him... little does he know that i'll continue to write him even if he dont want to be with me in a relationship.... that's what i prefer, but i can handle life without him.....i've done it for almost 6 years now....that's how long it's been since we even acted like we cared about each other.....we've had sex a few times...but i think that was just a booty call.....but i care about him so much.....i need to write him a letter....but anyway just thought i'd tell all you fockers that dont read this what's going on.... |
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| oh my goodness |
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| 02:18am 18/08/2004 |
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mood: exhausted music: greensleaves
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hey all, i know it's been forever. i have been away for way too long. i've left eric. acutally after may eighteenth, i havent heard anymore from him, and if you have someone that claims that they care aboutyou, then you'd think that they would make an attempt to talk to you, but nope, so i dumped him....i'm now having a relationship with a guy that i have litterally known my entire life.....we met when we were kids, and have always been really good friends....i've loved him for like nine years, and i finally have him...well kind of.....he's kind of locked up right now, but i'm helping him through this really hard time.....
to other things, i've switched my major in college, i'm now back in arts and sciences, and i love all of my classes, i have my old roommate back, for which i'm happy also....other than that, not much else has been going on, my summer was ok, and here at the end, i'm kinda bored.....but great none the less...well toodles, i'm off to bed |
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| venting...... |
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| 01:53pm 04/06/2004 |
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mood: pissed off music: ICP - Three Rings (because that's where Nancy belongs!)
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*sigh* there is this lady that works here with me, and i'm about to snap on her...she does not know how to shut up!!!!!!!! it's constant nonsense, nonstop, from the time that she walks into the fucking door till she walks out again... i mean if she would say something that was worth listening to, then that wouldnt be so bad, but its all nonsense that i cant even stand listening to...ever, and today it's a million times worse, it's a stressful day today the way it is, and i cant stand listening to her anymore! plus, she always smells like a used pad...that has been attempted to be covered up with some old lady's perfume that makes her smell like formaldahyde!!!!!!! GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SSDD |
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| nucking futs!!! |
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| 10:21am 04/06/2004 |
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mood:  enraged music: Limp Bizkit - Break Stuff
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i hate this so bad!!!! i cant wait to go home, which i've decided to do next weekend.....i'm so glad.....i cant wait to see eric, to be able to talk to him, hold him, and my mom, i miss her and my brother so bad, i've never been homesick in my life, but i am now....i'm going crazy!!! well i'm gonna go for now....gots to work... |
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| hrm |
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| 01:24pm 03/06/2004 |
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mood: lonely music: Maroon 5 - This Love
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hey there....eric eric eric....that is all that i can think about, and it's driving me nuts...i dont know if i can handle not going home before i'm supposed to...i called my mom last night, and i think that she wants me to come home just about as bad as i want to.....not for me to be with eric, but for me to be able to talk with her....she prolly misses me pretty bad, she's used to getting to see me like every weekend...plus ronnie, this guy that she used to work with, he drowned sometime this last week.....horrible, and really sad, i have alot of memories with that guy, and i feel bad for his wife and kids too.....*sigh* anyway....today is harold's birthday, that is aimee's boyfriend....but i need to get going, aimee is supposed to be here to pick me up, but she's not, so i think that i'm gonna call her...toodles ya'll and SSDD |
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| *tear*......errrrrric |
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| 02:53pm 28/05/2004 |
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mood: anxious music: Dont know who it's by - It's All Downhill From Here
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i miss him so bad...i cant wait till i'm moved into my apartment, and i have my big queen (or king, not sure yet) sized bed, so we dont have to be squashed into one of those damned twin beds at the college anymore...i want to be able to just hold him, have him caressing my back again....and damn, i have to go, at work and boss is lurking.... |
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| denison.... |
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| 04:39pm 21/05/2004 |
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mood: content music: ACDC - Thunderstruck
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well, i'm home....in a sense...i'm in the town that i have the funnest memories in....got here yesterday...and i am content..cept that i cant see or talk to eric for like a month and a half...but i might get to at some point...this cpu has an msn messanger...for which i would be eternally grateful if i could get on it at least once a week to talk to him. i miss him so bad....anyway, i have to go, almost time to go home, so i'll talk to ya'll laters SSDD |
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| GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! |
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| 09:03pm 16/05/2004 |
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mood: infuriated music: Rammstein - Du Hast
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HEY ALL. ERIC HAS MADE ME VERY DISTURBED TONIGHT!! HE IS SUPPOSED TO COME OVER AT SOME POINT TONIGHT, BUT HE STILL HASNT DONE IT.....ITS NOW NINE TONIGHT...NO ERIC...I KNOW HE'S MAD BECAUSE OF SOMEONE IN HIS HOMETOWN SAYING SOMETHING, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT...BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON, AND HE WONT TALK TO ME....VERY IRRITATING...I WANT TO BE THERE FOR HIM...I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON, BUT HE WONT EVEN TELL ME IF HE'S GONNA COME OVER TONIGHT!!! I NEED TO TALK TO HIM BADLY AND I HAVE NOW 2 NIGHTS LEFT TO EVEN TALK TO HIM....OH, AND WORK, BUT I DONT WANT EVERYONE ELSE IN MY BUSINESS.....AND THAT'S WHAT WOULD HAPPEN....*BIGGEST SIGH I'VE EVER LET OUT* WELL I'M GONNA GET OFF OF HERE, I HAVE TO DO SOME STUFF FOR MY ROOMMATE.....TOODLES...SAME SHIT DIFFERENT FUCKING DAY!! |
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| *sigh* |
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| 09:09pm 14/05/2004 |
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mood: worried music: This song called "Taint" lol
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i'm starting to worry about eric....all the stuff that brenda hints at him about spending too much time with his game and stuff. i think that he might be taking it as i talk about it all the time...which i do, but i dont think it bothers me as much as i let on sometimes....sometimes i wish we could just sit and talk...but it dont bother me, really it dont...he spends time with me, and i know that he's not used to this girlfriend thing, he's really starting to be more outgoing and stuff....i like him alot...i have 4 days left with him, and then i'm going to have to be apart from him for a month...i'm kind of sad about that....but if he thinks it will work out, i'm willing to make it work...i want it to soooo bad, i hate falling fast like this, but with some people it happens and some people it dont...with him i did...and that's the way i want it...i think i'm going to have to talk to him about this whole thing, he was going to stay over tonight, but he ate some bad pizza or something....anyway i'm going to go i'll talk to ya'll later...
SSDD |
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