| 206 days to go. |
[07 Jan 2009|03:20am] |
I wish I was with you. Wherever. It doesn't matter. I just miss you, and I can't, and won't, tell you. But, I think you already know, so there's nothing more I can do.
Mia's back. I can't do it without her.
We've decided on Cancun, and it is the only thing I'm looking forward to. I'm throwing all my focus and being behind this triple birthday vaca. I'm going to whip myself into shape. I'm going to go to the gym every other day, and I'm going to commit to an ab class and stick to it this time. I'm getting my hair lightened. I'm slurging on the perfect itsy bitsy fabulous bikini to adorn my itsy bitsy perfect body to be. I'm going to enter into a bikini contest, even if it means a grand finale of my drunk mother dragging my drunk ass off stage. Its going to happen, and the countdown is in effect.
I'm not excited about Russia anymore. I'm afraid of what I will see, how hard its going to be, and not being able to effectively help the children. I know any help is enough, and international volunteerism is highly commendable no matter the duration or how thorough the job. It will be a unique experience.
I suck at life.
I don't want to be a lawyer anymore.
I don't want much of anything anymore. I don't want friends, I don't want a boyfriend, I don't want classmates home on break to see me, I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, I don't want to talk to people. I just want to be alone. I want to be by myself, even though I hate myself. I tell myself I'm not wanted, I'm not loved or liked. I convince myself that I am in interim for people, that I will never be a permanent fixture in anyone's desire or interest. I tell myself men will lose interest, that I will lose my sparkle or they will grow bored. I tell myself I am boring and not worth investing time to get to know. I tell myself no one will like me for who I am, but I also tell myself I am not done developing and I don't even know who I am. The only thing that is permanent is the methodical, unwavering passing of time and that only in time will I know who I am, if and when I will be happy, what will make me happy, and what purpose I serve. The only things that are certain, are those that exist in the past. Things that have been brought, and left, by time. I spend my nights, drives, and solitude replaying happiness that was, hoping that the remembrance will conjure the feelings I miss and long for simultaneously. It is a curse to have loved and lost, and even more of a curse to have loved and been half-heartedly let go. When I submit and recognize my true longings, I pass the time weaving fantasies in my head. Either way, time still moves on. My body is carried forward in the present current, while my mind resides in the either the once-was or the never-will-be. I'm not sure which is less painful.
I made no new year's resolution. That, I think, speaks volumes.
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| This years Resolutions Summery |
[06 Jan 2009|02:22pm] |
Off to a bad start, I have just bought a car and am making payments. I got rid of the cavalier.
Got my Saskatchawan license and new car is insured. Canceled my primier membership started saskatoon membership. Offered to allow cara-mia to move in.
I am failing all in all so far but I am going to stamp down and start getting it together this week I hope.
Blood sugar level
do not buy snacks at movies
Back on financial track
Join gym and get back to old iron master ways
3 recipies to my cooking arsinal
Dentist start teeth straightining
Date someone I actually like
Help someone in need for no reson
Less distant more present
Water not soda
Finish Bible
Get a dart board and get practicing
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| Resolution Recap |
[06 Jan 2009|02:16pm] |
Well this is my new years entry, I finaly had a time to do this.
Here is a recap of last years resolutions, as I am reflecting on these I notice that there are a few ones I am repeating this year.
2008 RESOLUTIONS.
#1 Move out come summer. -
Well it took longer then I expected, I moved out in the fall. but either way resolution completed.
Thank you Tobe for being my roomate last year.
# 2. Cut down on non-diet soda intake. Done and Done. Dieabities kinda put the stamp and made sure I did not fail this one.
# 3: Get a car on the road again. Another cavailer! Done and Done
# 4: Get 3 or more sacks this year! - Failed this one. Actually I hardly got any playing time at all this year.
#5: Get my teeth straighten. - didn't happen, i did put the wheels in motion but I maxed out my benifits before I had a chance. This year we will see.
# 6: Make seriouse changes in my deit and live all of 2008 with a much healthier life style. - Failed
# 7. Develop a more possitive attitude, and also improve my social ability and tolorance to
other people. - I say I did this some what okay. But not perfect.
#8: Educate myself some how. - Did okay learned 6 sigma and started learning better welding. Also started dating too.
#9: Have my credit card paid off completly. - Failed
#10: Become a better cook. - Passed but can do better
#11 Join the YMCA. Joined Primier instead and failed at going regularly
#12. Going on a vacation. Or doing some me time. Failed
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| january 01 resolution 12 |
[03 Jan 2009|04:43pm] |
well everthing was closed so i am late again. i would have made another post yesterday but i was busy. i am using a sony 3 and it is hard to type. so i will make this short.
resolution #12
a skill resolution
get a dart board and practice practice practice.
my goal is to successfully defend my intercontanental title against roger at his own game
i will make resolution wrap up as soon as i get to a computer i have big news.
i bought my first new car! .
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[31 Dec 2008|06:08pm] |
La/LA/LAaaaaaaaaaa
Wow.. the year is FINALLY over. This makes me extremely happy, to be honest.
Last update of the year: The boy and I have had bad moments (not days but small moments of constant bickering?!), lately. Which has made the trip not excellent, but still, could be worse. M eh. We do still have wayyyyy too much shit to talk about and fix if this is ever going to get good again. I remain hopeful.
My weight has gone up up up since I got here which of course pisses me off considering I was aiming for six pack abs for new years, but I still fit into my clothes and all... I'm officially a banana republic size 2... who knew they were so vanity sized... lol. (I'm normally a 5, sometimes a 4).
Hm... I got a bunch of stuff for christmas... yoga equipment and a yoga book thingy so I can do it at home, I got new dumbells, a bunch of clothes, shoes and boots and jackets, a necklace and a perfume from the boy, a laptop cover thingy, make up and body shop stuff from my little sister and i think that's all... hmm not sure... but its more than enough :)
New years resolutions:
Not that I even double checked if I had done last years...
1) Add yoga to my workouts and obviously keep on working out at least 3 times a week
2) Finish school with an excellent grade... (december 2009!!!)
3) Either compromise to fix this relationship, or end it and let go and start over... this year is decision year
4) I won't add a "lose weight" resolution but I'll add a "must work out and eat healthy" which will eventually lead to weightloss
5) Work on my self esteem...
Have a great 2009 everyone!!!
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| December 31rst resolution #11 |
[31 Dec 2008|10:59am] |
Happy new year. I made out with my bosses daughter. Did not sleep with her. It wasn't all that great.
Resolution #11.
Educational one.
I want to finally finish the bible.
easy enough.
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| December 30th resolution #10 |
[30 Dec 2008|01:00pm] |
I got my city of sasktoon membership today (it is a city own complex)
so I am gearing up for the new year.
I have no special intro to this very simple but challenging resolution.
Resolution #10
This is a personal health resolution.
Water Water Water and no soda.
I am trying to break my Soda addiction. Even though a firmly belive there is nothing wrong with diet soda.
Many health experts say that you should avoid all soda but none have ever been able to explain why.
In the biggest loser cook book, there excuse was "regular soda has over 100 calories!" Well what does that have to do with diet soda. I could come back with Diet soda has no calories and less the 1g of carbs.
Regardless I am going to get off the soda, and drink my equvilant in water.
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[29 Dec 2008|04:37pm] |
I'm really alone.
Andrew is in Switzerland. Yes, I hear from him, but in the end when the scope is narrowed to what truly matters and all trapped in the periphery is let free, when its just me and him, I am alone. He may be alone, too. I know he hurts, I know we're hurting. I just don't think we're hurting for the same reasons. I'm selfish for wanting him to want me. I'm ignorant for putting this whole situation in terms of me and him, when I may not even be a factor in his equation. I want this to be over. I hate waiting, but since its the only thing I've learned how to do, I don't know how to do anything but distance myself. I don't have to run away from him. I have to run away from the others. I don't know how to love. I know how to detect it, and run away. Merry fucking Christmas season and since I can't control time, I guess I'll ring in the New Year drunk and alone.
Paul is in New York and I couldn't really care less what he's doing, or who Laura is, or how he feels about her. My life would be simpler if he likes her and started leaving me alone. Then I wouldn't have to worry about letting him down easy. I would just disappear, quietly. Like I never happened at all.
Alex is in Iowa. His ex-girlfriend is still texting and calling as if she thinks they are still together. He tells me when this happens and acts like he is annoyed. I've done that. I've lied. I've painted the picture I think someone wants to see. Why wouldn't someone do that to me? I don't know what to believe. I haven't heard from him in a few days. I knew not to get my hopes up, I knew I shouldn't contemplate. Everything always falls apart. I'm destined to be alone, why fight it.
Cody is an asshole. We'll never be the same.
Julian is in Boston. He's coming back to DC on Friday. I wish things between us could work out. He's a good person, and we get along well. If I want something with him, I have to wait. I have to give him time and in the mean time, figure out what I want.
Brett was never going to work. He's Jewish. He's a man's man. I need my yoga pants back.
Bob is in Florida. I don't understand how he and his friend can afford that. I can't stand the thought of being with him. He's younger than me and I can't see passed a ten-year old picture of him. For God's sake we never even played in the same youth soccer league age bracket, he played with my younger sister. My games lasted longer and the field was bigger than his. Ugh. I sound ridiculous.
Sarah is in New York. She never called me or told me about when she would be home for the holidays. I haven't heard from her in months. She hung out with Tim and I didn't even know she was home.
Ally is the most annoying thing to ever happen to my life. I'm glad she's gone.
I like being with myself. I feel strong. I don't have anything holding me back.
I want to spend New Years alone; however, I'll be in College Park hanging out with friends I made this semester. I don't have a date to any of the parties. I won't have a New Year's kiss once again. I probably won't even get a call or text from the one I wish I was with. I need to let it go. That's my New Year's resolution:
TO GET OVER YOU.
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[29 Dec 2008|12:16pm] |
Still in Dallas,
Everything is going pretty good... we can blame the hormones and PMS for my hysteria on that last post... not that I don't feel like that sometimes... but I'm doing way better by now... we also talked about it yesterday (the boy and I) and it seems to me that it's bound to start getting better once 2009 arrives, he starts working and I go back to school, away from Dallas and my Dad a bit...
He stresses me out (my dad)... i love him and all but it's just a bit chaotic, i have mixed feelings about him... he's a good dad... he even took us shopping for like a whole week and we had a nice Christmas and all... but it's SO not about that.. he has a weird way of showing his affection and is SO controlling, I suppose because he's so used to living on his own... but that just doesn't exactly work with me... hum... ok... that came right out...
I'll write some more later...
I hope everyone's doing alright... :hugs:
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| December 29th resolution #9 |
[29 Dec 2008|12:07pm] |
I have been thinking really hard about an intresting new years resolution instead of the same old boring stuff every year. This life of solitude I have been living is not to exciting when read, I hope that changes.
I think it is that way because I have been over looking things that should be recorded.
I think this next resolution reflects all of that.
Resolution #9
This one is a personality resolution.
I want to become less distant and more present.
My mind is always somewhere else all the time. When I am doing simple things like walking through a mall to a store for exsample, I am usualy thinking about getting to the store or what I need to get at the store. I don't focus on the way to the store or pay any attention to anybody else on my way there. (except for maybe an attractive member of the opposite sex)
So basicly I want to always try to focus on the excact second and spend less time thinking about a recent futre.
I want a more everything isn't so seriouse attitude. (less distracted kind of sums up what I am trying to say)
This may be more difficult then it sounds.
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| decemeber 28th Resoltuion #8 |
[28 Dec 2008|03:34pm] |
This is my next resolution, I was having a hard time thinking of a resoltion and this one just came to me.
resolution #8
this one is about Karma
Help some one in need.
I remember the guy who helped me in Winnapeg.
I want to return the favor to someone. i do not mean letting someone move in.
I hope I get the opportunaty to take time out of my day to help a stranger like he did.
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| Decemeber 27th resolution #7 |
[28 Dec 2008|03:29pm] |
I did not make it to the library again.
I am running out of good resolutions so I had to think of this one. It is one I had for a while
resolution #7
This one is romance.
Find someone I like to date. someone like miranda was to me.
This doesn't mean finding someone to sleep with thats diffrent.
I would love to find a girl friend I really like.
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| Decemeber 26th Resolution #6 |
[28 Dec 2008|03:23pm] |
Again another boring resoltuion.
This one is about looks.
resolution #6
find a dentist and try to max my benifits out.
I have to finish my root cannel (it was done but i need a crown)
I have a few more cavities then I am getting invisuline to straighten my teeth.
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| December 26th |
[28 Dec 2008|03:13pm] |
The library was closed on boxing day.
So I have stuff I want to record down before i make the next resolution.
I spent christmas eve and day at my bosses house.
I thought christmas eve was a social gathering but it was more. They bought presents and everything it was a real christmas. When i got home christmas eve i called mirianda and we talked. The I became a whinny drunk emotional mess and made calls to Cara-mia and tasha.
Jim has a daughter tammy who I am sure was hitting on me.
Will from work cracked a joke about it, the bad thing is he told Falica his annoying cunt of a girl friend who told Tammy. I think my name might have been mentioned, not 100% sure about that.
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[26 Dec 2008|03:52am] |
eh.. almost 4am and i can´t sleep... the boy is traveling right now and should arrive here (im in dallas) at noon... i can´t fucking sleep... its a bad day... it´s one of those days where i´m not sure if i can forgive him for what he did... and now i don´t know if i should've invited him here... i don't want things to explode (yet again) here with my dad and my sisters and so far away from home...
although we do have very good days where i'm extremely hopeful and confident it's going to work out... some others (like today) i can't help but feel it's fucking useless and i doubt his honesty all over again...
and even if he is being honest and if he is sorry or whatever... do i want to stay with someone who was able to do what he did? do i? can i just forgive and stop whining already...
because, i mean... after what happened i have an ultra high guard with him and i know its pretty normal but it's fucking hard to try to fix a relationship when i can't let my guard down for a minute... and it pisses me off...
but then for a moment i think i should just try to not mention it for a while and see if all my doubts go away... because mentioning it and thinking about it only makes my insomnia go insane... and it causes more small fights and disagreements... i don't know what to do...
i love him to fucking much and i can't believe what happened and i have no idea how to deal... i mean, i know no one exactly knows how to deal because each situation is different... i just wish i knew if trying to work things out is going to be worth the pain...
bl eh.. i don't know...
I'm going shopping tomorrow before we pick him up... it doesn't help that i just got my period and i'm fucking bloated and fat... i just want this all to go away...
seriously... what's more terrible is that for the last few weeks whenever I'm driving i just wish someone would crash my car so i can die and then maybe i wouldn't have to think so much... about him... about my fatness... about life... about my future... about everything
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