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12:45pm 21/04/2004
 
mood: melancholy
music: song for the lonely
i was so tired today. i got up at 8:30 this moring (after talking to the ho last night until almost midnight) and then turned off my alarm and shut my eyes again. i usually only doze for about 5 minutes and then i'm fully awake and ready to start the day. so when i opened my eyes back up...it was 12:30. my first class ends at 1:15. it takes me 45 minutes to get to school. yeah, i'm not going. especially because i don't have my second class today. so what's the point in walking to school to catch my english professor for 5 minutes and then take my ass back home? none! so i sit here, bored stiff...

we'll have been together for one month this sunday. and i haven't cheated. i have no desire to. that sounds so horrible. "i have no desire to?" that makes me sound like such a slut. though according to natalie, i am. i don't know why i did the things that i did. why i tried the people i've tried. why i didn't learn the first 2 times not to do the stupid thing which i did. i had lost the best person in my life because she wasn't there at the moment and i was "in the mood." what kind of fucked up reasoning is that? that's just it...FUCKED UP!

last night wasn't as harmonious as other nights. or as hot...but anyways, she was rather tired. she sounds so cute and adorable when she's sleepy. as opposed to the cute and adorable mixed with spice that she sounds when she's fully awake. she's quite the saucy little vixen. i don't know why i'm dwelling on it. i'm just being paranoid. i hope. damn paranoia! i just can't bear to lose her again.

so, they're going to d-land on the ho's birthday. i hope they have fun. jon's supposed to go with them, so i have no doubt that natalie will have fun. i'm also sure that she won't think of me that day, 'cause she has jon to take care of her for the morning/day/evening. *growl* as my jealousy level climbs whilest i think of her being so close and yet so far apparently. i doubt she would wish for me to join them. though i was also not invited. which is fine by me and understandable. first of all, it's the ho's day and she should feel...not...neglected. secondly, jon will be with them and i would expect the level of affection to be at zero...new person (and though he knows i exist in her life...still...another body who's not from my neck of the woods). and though i wish to be invited and join them and see natalie...i don't think it'll happen. and apparently, she doesn't either. it kind of hurt that she said we probably wouldn't see each other for a few months and she didn't seem to care. the not caring part is what hurt. the few months was expected. i'm sure i'm just being stupid, but yeah. i'll just leave it at that...

~Keeper of the Stars

"It was no accident
Me finding you
Someone had a hand in it
Long before we ever knew
Now I just can’t believe
You’re in my life
Heaven smiling down on me
As I look at you tonight

I tip my hat
To the keeper of the stars
He sure knew what he was doing
When he joined these two hearts
I hold everything
When I hold you in my arms
And I’ve got all I’ll ever need
Thanks to the keeper of the stars

Soft moonlight on your face
Oh how you shine
It takes my breath away
Just to look into your eyes
I know I don’t deserve
A treasure like you
There really are no words
To show my gratitude

So I tip my hat
To the keeper of the stars
He sure knew what he was doing
When he joined these two hearts
I hold everything
When I hold you in my arms
And I’ve got all I’ll ever need
Thanks to the keeper of the stars

It was no accident
Me finding you
Someone had a hand in it
Long before we ever knew"		  
   
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08:17pm 21/04/2004
 
mood: bitchy
music: you're so damn hot-ok go
i'm borrowing this from another entry. credit to the author of this who left it in Katherine Casey's comment area.

After awhile you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes wide open,
With the GRACE OF A WOMAN, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get to much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own Soul, instead of waiting
for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...That you are really strong
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn...with every goodbye...you learn.		  
   
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