Blurty for das gibt keinen Sinn.
|Friday, July 2nd, 2004|
something doesn't seem right about this. the reason i say so is cuz it's my girlfriend talking to someone else...on the day of our anniversary no less!
fncytha (8:20:06 PM): yeah, on the german side there are 4
fncytha (8:20:11 PM): like seriously
apparentlywicked (8:20:26 PM): heh
fncytha (8:20:27 PM): my g-parents and my father's 2 unmarried sisters
fncytha (8:20:47 PM): oh wait- 5: one is a lesbian and "married"
apparentlywicked (8:21:54 PM): haahahhah
apparentlywicked (8:21:55 PM): niiiiice
apparentlywicked (8:21:55 PM): im so against that
fncytha (8:22:01 PM): ME TOO!!!
fncytha (8:22:09 PM): OMG, like no one's biz
apparentlywicked (8:22:22 PM): like i'd want to spend the rest of my life with some womang
apparentlywicked (8:22:23 PM): my ass
fncytha (8:22:28 PM): lol
apparentlywicked (8:22:29 PM): i'm glad its illegal in cali
fncytha (8:22:38 PM): in...EVERYWHERE!!!
apparentlywicked (8:22:41 PM): no
fncytha (8:22:44 PM): it's UNAMERICAN!!!
apparentlywicked (8:22:45 PM): in hawaii or some shit
apparentlywicked (8:22:46 PM): its legal
apparentlywicked (8:22:47 PM): lol
fncytha (8:22:53 PM): they aren't reall ppl
apparentlywicked (8:22:54 PM): like i feel bad for the ppls who want to get married
apparentlywicked (8:22:58 PM): but chances are.....
apparentlywicked (8:23:10 PM): so whats the point
fncytha (8:23:14 PM): yeah
fncytha (8:23:33 PM): and the difinition of "marriage" is like man and woman OR ELSE!!
fncytha (8:23:38 PM): or something...
apparentlywicked (8:23:39 PM): hahaha
apparentlywicked (8:23:44 PM): yeah pretti much
fncytha (8:24:19 PM): Mr. Merriam Webster had a hell of a queer name, but he new what he was doing
maybe this is her way of saying something to me without saying it. does anyone have any advice on what i should do about this?
|Sunday, June 27th, 2004|
i'm so tired.
MY BABY CAME BACK TODAY! WOO-HOO!
it's our anniversary tomorrow. it's only been three months, but if you consider how long the flirting and whatnot has been going on, then it's been almost a year. in another month and a half...
i need to go to the optometrist. my eye-sight is continually getting worse.
everything was so happy earlier. now it's...not...damn...
|Tuesday, June 22nd, 2004|
|i'm 20 today...wtf? how did i go from like, 16 to 20 in a day?|
|Thursday, June 17th, 2004|
my evil, teasing brat: sorry if i kept you waiting
my evil, teasing brat: the boxes aren't flashing again.
crazy baby of hers: eh
crazy baby of hers: i'm not that important anyways
crazy baby of hers: so it's cool
my evil, teasing brat: shut up.
my evil, teasing brat: you are the most important.
my evil, teasing brat: the only one i talk to every night.
crazy baby of hers: *speechlessness*
my evil, teasing brat: if i didn't, i wouldn't be at rest, i wouldn't feel any sense of peace.
my evil, teasing brat: i'd be awake all night, restless, alone, forgotten, lost,....and it goes on and on.
my evil, teasing brat: thank you for being balanced, and maybe someday... i'll be like you.
crazy baby of hers: don't be like me
my evil, teasing brat: heh
my evil, teasing brat: so... crazy and unable to stay in one place will work?
crazy baby of hers: do you really wanna be a crazed jealous psyko?
yes, this would be the hottness that calls me hers. and that i call my own, though she won't admit to being tied to me. this is who i'm constantly going on and on about folks. she's yummy times everything and infinity.
|Wednesday, June 16th, 2004|
|i think i'm ok now. she's still my baby and still as wonderful as ever...that is all for today...|
the end of everything as i know it has finally arrived. she's crushed my heart beyond repair. it cannot be fixed. least of all not by her. but i'm sure i'll say otherwise in a while cuz i love her so much that i'm willing to let her keep doing what she's doing. this is my form of self-mutilation. why do i need to do damage to my body when i can just have her do it? last night's conversation was the worst thing that ever happened. i haven't stopped crying about it. i know, i know...i'm a weepy ass pussy, but i can't help it. she's broken my heart to the max this time. i thought she'd hurt me as much as she could before, but she's reached a whole new level of pain. it's to the point where i actually don't wanna be here anymore. and by "here" i mean not in the living world. but i'm not one to take my own life becuz of a broken heart...or any other reason. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! i'm so fucked up about this. she never said she'd be fair, but i thought that being in a relationship would kind of require things to be fair. if it were any other person she were talking to, then i'd have no problem. but she's talking to my ex. who she says is similar to me and is alluring to her. wtf?! you don't say that to your girlfriend about her ex! i don't want her to end our relationship, but maybe she should. maybe then this pain would finally cease. maybe she'd be happier with her than with me. i don't think i could hurt more than i do right now.
to love this much...
how could one little girl destroy me?
crush my inner self?
morph who i am?
how could one little girl cause me so much pain?
so much suffering?
so much hate?
how could one little girl become my everything?
wrap me around her finger?
make me happier than ever?
how could one little girl rip apart my heart all the while telling me she loves me?
that i don't have to worry?
that she's not leaving me?
how could one little girl make me shed more tears in one hour than in my whole life?
sob uncontrollably for long periods?
sit there and not notice that hours have passed?
how could one little girl know the damage her words will cause and still say them?
still push me?
smile at my expense?
how could one little girl tell me i'm her only one and then not act like it?
flirt around with something that makes me so insecure?
take it all back cuz she's not in the mood?
HOW COULD ONE LITTLE GIRL DESTROY ME?
after she said what she said last night, i got quiet and she asked me what she could do to fix it all. i wanted to tell her to shove it up her ass. i was like, fuck you, but i don't think she heard me. i wanted to yell. scream. grab her and shake her to make her understand how much pain i was in. still AM in. but i honestly think she could care less. about me and everything about me. today i saw her and we went back to the beach. it was nice. but i wanted to sit alone and cry. i did while waiting for her and it didn't help. it still doesn't now. i really don't think she can fix the damage she's done to me this time. usually, she can, but after last night...it's entirely possible that she's finally pushed me to the point where i won't return.
|Thursday, June 10th, 2004|
my girlfriend inspired me to look back on my life and what i've written in the past. here's a look into the stupidity that was my earlier (not much though) self:
i had another a couple others that i wrote in, but they were deleted. i found it highly unnecessary, but iono why i kept these ones. just for a good hearty laugh i suppose...
|Wednesday, May 12th, 2004|
i will no longer be writing in blurty. but i will continue to read the entries of those i've defined as friends. i'm still intrigued by them...and i will continue to leave comments and the sort. but my new journal can be found here:
my last entry here:
so last night i was at study group (yet again) and that went until around 9 (at least for me it did). i came home and then had to write the essay i've been putting off for forever and an eternity. apparently my english professor was pissed to the max on mon. cuz like, no one showed up. he let everyone go an hour early cuz he was so mad. i have my excuse though. so i have a test today in my math class. i'm kind of stressing cuz my finals are next week and i'm not sure how i'm gonna do. i need to pass them in order to pass the class. except astronomy. there's no fixing the damage done there. i stopped going cuz i was failing and cuz i didn't like the professor. i was going to show up for the final and fail that too, but i decided that i'd rather be an ostrich and bury my head in the ground. there's another study group or two i'm going to before my math final...i just don't know when.
i'm so tired. i need to sleep this weekend. i don't know if i'm going clubbing thrsday due to massive sleep deprivation. SPEAKING OF CLUBBING!!!!! i was talking about clubbing last night to stephanie and jennifer and steph was like, where do you go? and i told her tigerheat. jennifer looked at me and was like, i love tigerheat! i was like, you've been there? i haven't found another person who knows what i speak of. she said she hasn't been to the new location and i told her that she should come with us next time. she said that'd be cool, she just has to wait for her ankle to heal. she works at curves for women. for those who don't know what that is, it's a fitness place just for women and she's a personal trainer.
well kids, i gotta jet off to class. it's been real, it's been funn, but it hasn't been real funn! lol! just kidding y'all. take it easy and bon voyage!
|Sunday, May 9th, 2004|
there are some things which i cannot explain,
such as the love i feel for you as well as the pain.
how is it that you can give me the best moments of my life,
and make me long to someday have you as my wife?
while other times you make me wish to melt away and die,
but to say that i regret this thing would be an utter lie.
never will i take back my love, nor will it ever cease,
you are my life and everything great in it to say the least.
no matter how i act with you and how jealous i get,
i will never let you go for on you my heart is set.
|Saturday, May 8th, 2004|
"the heat is so great
it plays tricks with the eye
it turns the road into water
and then from water to sky
and there's a crack in the concrete floor
and it starts at the sink
there's a bathroom in a gas station
and i have locked myself in it to think
and back in the city
the sun bakes the trash on the curb
the men are pissing in doorways
and the rats run in herds
i've got a dream of your face
that scares me awake
i put too much on my table
and now i got too much a stake
and i might let you off easy
yeah i might lead you on
i might wait for you to look for me
and then i might be gone
where i come from and where i'm going
and i'm lost in between
i might go up to that phone booth
and leave a veiled invitation on you machine
and you'll stop me, won't you
if you've heard this one before
the one where i surprise you
by showing up at your front door
saying 'let's not ask what's next,
or how, or why'
i am leaving in the morning
so let's not be shy
the door opens, the room winces
the housekeeper comes in without a warning
and i squint at the muscular motel lady
says 'hey good morning'
and she jumps, her keys jingle
and she leaves as quick as she came in
and i roll over and taste the pillow with my grin
well, the sheets are twisted and damp
and the heat is so great
and i swear i can feel the mattress
sinking underneath your weight
oh sleep is like a fever
and I'm glad when it ends
and the road flows like a river
and pulls me around every bend
and you'll stop me, won't you...
the heat is so great
it plays tricks with the eye
it turns road to water
and water to sky
and there's a crack in the concrete floor
and it starts at the sink
there's a bathroom in a gas station
and i've locked myself
in it to think"
OMG! so i went to my old high school's theatre festival today and had a funn time. cale and alia won second place for their scene the glass menagerie. fucking hell yeah for them. cale and alia and i were all jumping around before we left and i was like congrats and he was like thanks bri. i don't think i've ever heard him call me by my name let alone my nickname. he was like, it was good seeing you. and i wanted to cry 'cause he was all nice and not like fuck you. yeah. that made my day.
so i hung with shevaun, mel, rachel (who no longer hates me btw), catherine, mark, kevin, amie, sean, heather, alia, cale (for like 2 sec), nakayama, haley, and glickman. and kyle and kirk until they decided to go get laid. not together though. i haven't seen these people in forever and it was great. i saw this girl who looked so much like natalie that i wanted to die because she wasn't there with us. oh well...
i didn't see the movie today 'cause there wasn't time to do everything that needed to be done. the guys were going to a "tea party" and they had to get ready. they wanted me to go, but apparently, this is an all guy thing. and i don't fancy watching them get it from anyone...i don't mind watching it, but not when i know the people involved.
so today was funn and i'm supposed to get together with eddie and donny tomorrow and go to d-land cuz eddie wants to ride tower. so we may go. it all depends on if he pulls a jason or not. a jason, btw, is saying that everything's going according to plan and then bailing at the last minute. donny said he's notorious for doing this.
this entry is really quite pointless, but i had a somewhat exciting day in my normally ho-hum life and i had to write about it because...it was the most exciting thing that's happened all week. besides spending quality time with shaun. he's so wonderful...but...natalie is the most wonderfullest person in my life and i'm thankful to have her.
i love you baby! ::muah::
P.S. i have fucking bruises all over my arm. my friend bit the shitt out of it earlier. what's bad? the marks are shaped like teeth marks so there's no denying what they are. and they fucking hurt! i was okay with her biting me ('cause though she thinks i'm kidding...i really like being bit), but it suddenly started hurting. dammit! why couldn't my girlfriend be the one doing it to me?! *sigh* one day i hope she does. damn...i'll be thinking about either her doing it to me or me doing it to her...oh shitt...happy feelings all over!
|Friday, May 7th, 2004|
Lie awake and wonder what's on my mind.
Who's on my mind.
Shed tears because of my verbal barbs.
Wonder if i'm truthful in my feelings for you.
Think about me when we haven't spoken for days.
Feel pain when i shatter your heart.
Don't sleep because you don't want to cry yourself to it.
I did with you.
words to live by:
~accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.
~always keep your words soft and sweet in case you have to eat them.
~drive carefully. it's not just cars that can be recalled by their maker.
~if you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
~never buy a car you can't push.
~nobody cares if you can't dance well. just get up and dance.
~some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
~don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
~if ignorance is bliss, then why aren't more people happy?
~when everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
~the early worm gets eaten by the bird...sleep late!
~we could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to learn how to live in the same box.
~a truly happy person is someone who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
and this one's my fave:
~to the world you might just be one person, but to one person you might just be the world.
may anyone and everyone who reads this have a sensational day/evening/whatever time it is for you.
|Thursday, May 6th, 2004|
1. What is your full name? brianne “jefferson darons”
1.5. Nicknames: willow, sirus, bri, turtle
2. Birthdate: 6-22-1984
3. Age: soon to be 20!
4. Sex: female
5. What is your social securtiy number? you’re not supposed to give that out…
6. Where do you live? lakewood
7. What school do you attend? Long Beach Community College
8. Siblings and their ages? none so…age zero?
9. Pets: my fish Norman
10. Zodiac Sign: cancer
11. Righty or Lefty: righty…but guess what I heard about lefties…and my girlfriend's a lefty...a fucking hott lefty too!
12. Hair color: brown
13. Eye color: hazel green
14. Height: 5’ 10”
15. Do u wear contacts or glasses? do sunglasses count?
16. Do you have any piercings? yes. my ears…
17. Where do you want more if you do? I don’t want anymore…
18. Do you have a tattoo? yes.
19. If so what and where, if not, do you want any? on my lower back. it's an ankc (spelling?) in front of a circle which is filled in with the colors of the rainbow.
20. What shoes do you wear? it depends on what i’m wearing for the day…sometimes my converse and sometimes my vans.
22. Do you have a certain fashion you follow? no.
23. How are you today? i'm okay. a little depressed, but other than that...
24. What pants are you wearing right now? i'm in shorts. boxers to be exact.
25. What shirt are you wearing right now? i'm not wearing one right now.
26. What underwear are you wearing right now? wouldn't you like to know...that should give you a clue...*ahem*
27. What does your hair look like at the moment? it's down and soft and fluffy.
28. What song are u listening to right now? here with me-dido
29. What was the last thing you ate? a chicken sandwich from jitb.
30. How is the weather right now? it's hotter than hell and i should know...i've been there. i work for satan.
31. Last person u talked to on the phone? claudia
32. Last dream you can remember? natalie and i were in the car and cale was there too and he wanted to dance on the roof while we were driving. and he did...
33. Who are you talking to right now? i was talking to mel, but i got offline 'cause i didn't feel like talking to anyone.
34. What time is it? 10:33
**MORE ABOUT YOU!**
35. What are the last four digits of your phone number? 8287
36. If u were a crayon, what color would u want to be? clear...'cause that's a color!
37. Have you ever almost died? i die every night.
38. Do u like the person that sent u this? it wasn't sent. i took it from this girl's journal thingie..and yeah...she's cool.
39. How do u eat an Oreo: it's been a while, but let's see if i can remember...you pick it up, put it in your mouth, and bite. then you chew and swallow.
40. What makes u happy? natalie.
41. What's the next CD you are going to buy? anything by scarling.
42. What religion are you? christian (though a bad one)
43. What's the best advice ever given to you? "touch me here." the end result was delightful!
44. Have u ever won any special awards? like special ed or like look-at-my-big-ass-accomplishment award?
45. What are your future goals? to settle down one day and to finish writing my damn novel.
46. Do u like to dance? it depends on what kind you mean.
47. Worst sickness u ever had? i had strep throat when i was 14...that sucked shitt!
48. What's the stupidest thing u've ever done? cheated on natalie.
49. What's your favorite memory? nap time on "the hill" at lunch every friday.
50. If u could change one thing about yourself what would it be: my body shape.
51. Where do u shop the most? pac sun
52. How many kids do you want to have? at least 2.
53. Son's names? she can pick.
54. Daughters names? she can pick.
55. Do you do drugs? no.
56. Do you drink? i used to.
57. What kind of shampoo and conditioner do you use? herbal essences shampoo and dove conditioner.
58. What sport do you hate the most: i don't really care for sports in general, but i'm not adverse to watching them.
59. What are you most scared of? losing the best person in my life (ie: my girlfriend)
60. How many TV's do you have in your house? 3.
61. Do u have ur own phone line? no. but i have my own cell phone.
62. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? i don't sleep with it, but i do have a teddy bear that sits on my bed.
63. Place for a dream home? anywhere as long as it's with someone i love.
64. Have you ever broken/sprained/fractured a bone? i've sprained my thumb, wrist, ankle (both), and thrown out my back.
65. Who do you dream about? whatever i was thinking about right before i fell asleep.
66. Who do you tell your dreams to? donald.
67. Who is your loudest friend? the ho! no...kirk...especially when he sounds manly.
68. Who is the quietest? donald.
69. Is cheerleading a sport? (refer to question #68)-no...'cause i like that and i could watch that all the time!
70. How many licks does it take to get to the center? i don't know. why don't you come on over and we'll find out together?
71. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? wtf? what kind of fucking question is that?
**YOU AND LOVE**
72. Do you believe in love? definitely.
73. Do you have a crush? yes.
74. Who is your crush? my girlfriend.
75. Did you send this to your crush? no. it's not a thing to send...at least...not right now.
77. Where would you like to go on your honeymoon? to italy.
78. What song do you want played at your wedding? canon in d by pachelbel
79. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? their eyes.
80: Longest crush: about 3-4 years.
81. Are u shy to ask someone out? yes.
82. Who do you want to spend the rest of your life with? natalie.
83. Do you find your self attractive? no comment.
84. Do you find yourself ugly? no comment.
85. Do others find you attractive? yes?
86. Are you a virgin? *laughs long and hard* oh. was that actually a question?
87. Do you believe in Love at first sight? no. but i do believe in lust at first sight.
**WHICH IS WORSE**
87. Making out with Marilyn Manson or Rob Zombie? both.
88. Having your tonsils or appendix removed: i don't know. i still have both, so i'll let you know when i have them removed.
**ON GUYS FOR GIRLS TO FILL OUT (for girls only)**
you all know i'm not into guys, but let's just say i am for this section
89.Boxers or briefs? boxers.
90. long or short hair? short.
91. Curly or straight? either.
92. Tall or short? tall.
93. Six pack or muscular arms? can i have both?
94. Good or bad guy: again, can i have both?
95. Hat or no hat: either.
96. Ears pierced or not: doesn't matter.
97. Tan or Fair: tan.
98. Dimples: he better have some damn good ones! my girlfriend does...*droooooooooooool* times infinity!
100. Rugged or sporty: rugged.
101. Studly or cutie: both.
102. Accent or not: only if the accent's british otherwise not.
103. Glasses? doesn't matter. they'll be coming off for sex anyways!
104. Smart or dumb: gee, i wonder!
105. What sport should he play? the kind where he has to ride something (ie: me).
106. Dependent or independent: independent, but not to the point where he no longer needs me at all.
**ON GIRLS FOR GUYS TO FILL OUT (for guys only)**
this is my section!!!!
107. Regular underwear or thong: i like thongs (especially pink ones), but it doesn't really matter since it'll be coming off soon after it's put on!
108. Painted nails or not: whatever.
109. Bra or sports bra: lacy victoria's secret type bras.
110. Bra straps showing or not: SHOWING!!!!
111. Cute n' mysterious or wild n' sexy: my girlfriend's all of these, so yeah...i got the best of everything!
112. Dressy or casual: naked.
113. Dark or blonde hair: either, but i do prefer dark.
114. Long or short hair? either.
115. Curly or straight hair: either.
116. Dark, light, or crazy cool eyes: i don't care, as long as they sparkle.
117. Long or short nails: short for personal purposes, but i don't really care otherwise.
118. Hat or no hat:
119. Good or bad girl: what do you think?
120. Hair up or down: disheveled.
121. Jewelry or none: naked.
122. Tall or short: not taller than me, but not shorter than 5'4".
123. Curly or straight hair: see question #115.
124. Accent or no accent? british, southern, ghetto, or none. and my girlfriend does all of these.
125. Pants or dress: naked.
126. Tan or fair: tan.
127. Glasses? NAKED!
128. Pretty: whatever. as long as they have a good smile, dimples to die for, a good laugh and personality, and eyes that sparkle, i'm set.
129. Freckles or none: i don't care.
130. Shy or outgoing: in bed or in the harsh light of day?
131. Funny or always cool: both.
132. Talkative or shy: both.
**PICK ONE: THIS OR THAT**
133.Lights on/off? off but with candles all around!
134. Do u like snow, sun or rain? rain.
135. Mickey D's(McDonalds) or BK(Burger King)? tin sing.
136. Do u like scary or happy movies better? scary.
137. Backstreet Boys or NSYNC? joj (even though they're not a boy band)
138. On the phone or in person? sex? person.
139. Paper or plastic? plastic.
140. Pepperoni or sausage? neither...i like fish though...lol!
141. Summer or winter? winter. snuggle time.
142. Hugs or kisses? kisses.
143. Chocolate or white milk: white.
144. Root beer or Dr.pepper: dr.p, but lately i've been addicted to root beer.
145. Glass half full or half empty? a broken pile of glass and a puddle of liquid on the floor.
146. CD or Tape: cd.
147. Tape or DVD: dvd.
148. Cats or Dogs: cats.
149. Mud or Jell-O wrestling? jell-o. do i get to lick it off after?
150. Vanilla or Chocolate: vanilla.
151. Skiing or boarding? boarding.
152. Day or night: night.
153. Cake or pie: cake.
154. Silver or gold? silver.
155. Diamond or pearl: diamond.
156. Sunset or sunrise: sunsets. because that leads to the night.
157. Color: black (though it's a shade).
158. Food: does natalie count? nah seriously, right now...eggos.
159. Fast Food: jitb (though it's all death inducing!)
160. Candy: fast break.
161. Beverage: sobe nirvana.
162. Ice Cream Flavor: DUBLIN MUDSLIDE!
163. Animal: okapis.
164. Fav. type of music: anything, but lately anything with heavy guitar shitt. AVENGE SEVENFOLD!
165. Fav. radio station: i don't listen to the radio.
169. Fav. Actor or Actress: maggie gyllenhaul (SPELLING?!)
170. Fav. day of the year: the 28th of any month.
171. Fav. month: february.
172. TV Show? queer as folk and the L-word.
173. Store: victoria's secret.
174. Scent: natalie.
175. Teacher: prof. lorien-meyer.
176. Board Game: scrabble.
177. Saying: "but yeah" "schmeh" "good times" "i'm putting my bobblhead down"
**HAVE YOU EVER**
178. Loved somebody soooo much it makes you cry? YES!!!
179. Smoked? yes.
180. Drank? yes.
181. Ever gotten dumped? yes.
182. Broke the the law? no comment.
183. Ran from the cops? no. but i hid under a car from them when i was 17.
185. Stolen something? once.
186. Tried to kill yourself? once.
187. Made yourself throw up? no.
188. Been in love? yes.
189. Made yourself cry to get out of something? no.
**ON A FINAL NOTE**
190. Do you like filling these out? when i'm bored and when they're not fucking 190 QUESTIONS LONG!!!!!!
so yesterday i was in class when my friend claudia asked me to tell kent that she wasn't going to be in class 'cause she wasn't feeling good. so all was well and then i went to math. it was mad hott! michael, sean, jennifer, jay, i were getting together later that night at around 7 for a little group get together. actually, they wanted to pick my brain for help in the class. so i hung with sean and jennifer and then decided to leave them alone 'cause sean likes jenn and i wanted to give him a chance to maybe ask her out. every time i went to leave though, he'd be like, where ya going? why? i'll come with you. i finally got him to stay with her but apparently nothing happened. so we met up with the rest of everyone else and then anjanette called to say that she wasn't going to be able to make it. jay and michael were practically sobbing! so we studied until about 9-ish and then i came home.
natalie called me and i told her about my day and how i was still unwinding from it. she said that the song she was listening to made her think about me/us. it was the song "hunter." in case you don't know what the song's about, it's about things not being right in a relationship and the girl wanting out and if her guy (ie: me) would know enough to let her go so she could be free again. WTF?!!! that killed me. it's still killing me. we didn't break up, but now i feel like she's only with me because she doesn't want me to do something drastic if we do break up. i won't. i'm not that crazy. how can she say that she loves me and that i own her heart and then just not? she never said she didn't love me anymore, but this has been on her mind for a while. that killed me again when she said that. fuck...i picked up the little cd booklet thing for dido when we got off the phone and a reread the words and then in a fit of pain and rage, i threw it against the wall and then grabbed the light cord thing on my fan and pulled it so hard that i broke it. i was actually trying to turn it off, but i used a bit too much force. i wrote the poem in my last entry afterwards, got something to drink, and watched tv until around 5 am. i went to sleep and then woke up around 8 am and got ready for class. i took my pictures in to get developed (there's some funny shit!) and then sat around waiting for class to start. claudia came over and sat with me and asked me what was wrong and i told her about last night and then i started crying (because i just coudln't supress it anymore) and she held me for what felt like forever. she told me not to worry and that everything will be all right, but that's just it. if she ends it with me, everything won't be all right. and i told her this. and she was like, you really love her, don't you? and i looked at her and was like, more than anything. she said that i was sweet and she wished her boyfriend said things like that to her. i told her that when she found that special someone, she wouldn't have to wish it because it'll happen on it's own before she even had a chance to think about it. then she hugged me and told me she'd call later to check up on me. *sigh* i won't do anything stupidly drastic or dangerous to myself or others, but i don't know what i'm going to do if natalie were to just end things. my chest feels constricted when i think of not having her as my girlfriend. and don't anyone say, "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" because that's fucking bullshit! i would rather have never felt any sort of happiness or love than lose my girlfriend. i may seem like a drama queen right now, but i love her. she's the only one.
i was just thinking about how when people added me as their friend, i was seeing new journal entries that i hadn't seen before. that's because those entries weren't public. only those defined as friends can see your private entries. so who knows what entries i'm not showing the public...
don't worry...there aren't any...yet...
|Wednesday, May 5th, 2004|
i feel them.
i taste them.
i see them fall.
is there a point to their existence?
are they misplaced?
my only release.
my only comfort.
i was numb as we spoke.
as you spoke.
they reminded me that emotion still courses through me.
quickly they formed and quietly they fell.
my vision was obscured and yet
i saw you as clearly as ever.
your eyes and smile.
your graceful stride as you approached me.
i knew what i'd feel when i reached out, but did so anyways.
i reached out and grasped air.
more came at that.
did you know by my silence?
did you infer by the lack of words what was coming forth instead?
they mar my face now as i write this.
they know no limit.
how could these things be from love?
because the question that's causing them is: do i love you enough to let you go?
don't let this be our last sunset.
personality tests by similarminds.com
i took another test but as a guy and picked...almost all the same responses...but yeah...not that it changed much...and not that it matters...
|Tuesday, May 4th, 2004|
personality tests by similarminds.com
Blurty for das gibt keinen Sinn.