Begonia Leiko Anarki's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
Begonia Leiko Anarki

[ website | Sparkling Angels ]
[ userinfo | blurty userinfo ]
[ calendar | blurty calendar ]

[09 Feb 2004|06:50pm]
[ mood | content ]
[ music | Blue on Black-Kenny Wayne Sheppard ]

I got a new blurty cause this one has been causeing a lot of problems.
New Blurty
if you want to add the new one, go right a head, cause I'll probably never update here again!

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AHHHHHHH [02 Feb 2004|07:49pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]
[ music | Special Fred-Stephen Lynch ]

WHY CAN'T I VIEW MY FUCKING FRIENDS PAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my background will come up but no boxes!!!!!!
this sucks, does anyone know how I can fix this, or why it's doing this????

and why when I did the veiw source thing, I read a post about a rumor that DeG maybe splitting up???? if that's true I'm taking a little trip across that ocean and breaking my foot of in someone's ass!

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memes [22 Jan 2004|10:27pm]
[ music | Kronos-Psycho le Cemu ]

Your Love Situation by Amberishjewel
Your Love Is...Dark
During Lovemaking You Act...Like a child, always playing
Your Partner Is...Your everything
Your Partner Has Said That You...Are a great lover
Your Love is Summed Up In A Quote."One must know how to seduce"
Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

Jrock memes )

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quiz [22 Jan 2004|09:24pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]
[ music | Forever Love-X Japan ]

You are one of the few out there whose wings are
truly ANGELIC. Selfless, powerful, and
divine, you are one blessed with a certain
cosmic grace. You are unequalled in
peacefulness, love, and beauty. As a Being of
Light your wings are massive and a soft white
or silver. Countless feathers grace them and
radiate the light within you for all the world
to see. You are a defender, protector, and
caretaker. Comforter of the weak and forgiver
of the wrong, chances are you are taken
advantage of once in awhile, maybe quite often.
But your innocence and wisdom sees the good in
everyone and so this mistreatment does not make
you colder. Merciful to the extreme, you will
try to help misguided souls find themselves and
peace. However not all Angelics allow
themselves to be gotten the better of - the
Seraphim for example will be driven to fighting
for the sake of Justice and protection of those
less powerful. Congratulations - and don't ever
change - the world needs more people like you.

*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

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Princess Leia [19 Jan 2004|10:21pm]
[ music | Love Machine-Morning Musume ]

Why do you do this?
you get so close,
then turn away,
dropping me off your tender knee.
you say you're trying to help.
you say I'm walking away.
I'm none of this,
I'm really at your feet,
begging for help,
for love,
for happiness
and forgiveness.
You say you can make me happy,
but when I don't believe you,
you just let me fall,
and leave me again.
don't you know how I feel?
I feel so deep
and great
for you.
you mean so much,
you're becoming part of me
like oxygen,
I don't know what I would do without you.
I'm choking fast,
please come save me,
I don't mean to do this,
you're my only hope.

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Give Us Back Our Eyes [14 Jan 2004|08:50pm]
[ mood | lonely ]
[ music | Cage-Dir en Grey ]

I'm still here,
but I'm slipping quick,
please save me,
I can't breath under water.

my eye are filled with darkness,
my lungs with crimson pain,
the wound within,
hurts more than the combustion of my heart.

My mind swims but I do not,
I only sink then float along,
at the bottom of the rivers,
you never knew you're the one resposible.

all the chances we gave eachother,
broken like our parents hearts forever,
we cannot see them cry,
but we hear them.

for eternity I'll blame you,
I'll hate you for everything,
for taking my life,
and forgetting to care.

I'm damned for all time,
my heart is still yours,
you never let me change my mind,
now I'll never let you go.

you hide yourself,
everyday crawling beneath your own shit of lies,
you wake screaming in the night,
when you see my eyes.

why did you take them,
I need them so,
I want my heart back too,
nothing belongs to you anymore.

now you give me my family,
but still no sight for any of us,
why are you as blind as us,
we'll haunt you forever.

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poems [13 Jan 2004|08:37pm]
[ mood | artistic ]
[ music | AFI-Leaving Song pt 2 ]

I originally posted all of this at, and I do write all of these off the top of my head!

Passion Dancing on The Stage

sickness rising,
up my throat,
just the site of you,
makes me sick.
I want you so badly,
feel my heart pound.
you're the only other one,
that knows what it feels like,
to be addicted to something so painful.
I need you,
touch my scars,
so deep, so strong,
only you can make the pain go away.
Your words mean so much,
to my young heart,
I know how it feels,
to be addicted.
we like being victims,
so lets do it together,
You heal my scars,
while I heal yours.
our hearts can beat together,
to the raging euphoric drums,
deafening us from the outside world.
One day, one night,
that's all I need to be with you,
we can share every emotion,
burrowed deep down inside.
just passion and pain,
utopian extasy enveloping us,
throwing our bleeding bodies together in the night.
but all I can do,
listen to your words,
watch you in pain,
while on the other side of this world,
I'm in pain too.

^ok, even though I just wrote this poem off the top of my head I'll give a little about it. Lately i've been reading a lot of old and new interviews of Kyo lead singer of my favorite jrock band Dir en Grey. A lot of their songs, are about self abuse and angst, and just a lot of pain, written from Kyo's real life experiences. He also cuts himself up on stage and everything. and he feels a lot of those different emotions that can't be put into words but he shows and writes it so well. and well this poem just ended up being a mix of how I relate to his emotions, and how I would give to be with someone that actually comprehends how I feel, just for one night, because it would be exquisite


I don't have a thing anymore,
not a friend, not a shoulder to cry on
just empty emotion,
in an empty life.
scumbing for the next thrill,
the next to last thing to make me feel real.
I can't see anymore,
just the darkness within.
engulfed in the flames,
flesh burning slowly.
I don't even scream anymore,
no one's there to save me.
I can't feel anymore,
I'm numb once again.
till the next sharp pain awakens my heart,
gives me a little feeling.
it's gone so quick, I barely feel it anymore.
nothing to call my own,
lost in a world so cold,
emptyness consumes me,
I'm here again.

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kpop quizzes [06 Jan 2004|10:24pm]
[ music | Wakefiel-Miss You ]

You'd be great with him!

Which Shinhwa member would you be best with?
brought to you by Quizilla

Jun Jin
Jun Jin

Which Shinhwa Man is Right For You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Read more... )

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[03 Jan 2004|02:47pm]
kao butt

A Dir en Grey quiz Whose ass could you claim?
brought to you by Quizilla

kao crotch
You got Kaoru!!

A Dir en Grey crotch claim quiz Who'll be sleeping in your bed?
brought to you by Quizilla

Read more... )
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quizes are fun kids! [01 Jan 2004|03:59pm]
[ mood | moo ]

Quiz Me
Begonia was
a Self-Centered Damsel In Distress
in a past life.

Discover your past lives @ Quiz Me

You are Lost Emily!! You prefer to stay
Lost Emily

Which Emily Strange are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Read more... )

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more poems [31 Dec 2003|08:07pm]
Watch it closely,
watch it bleed,
watch the blood run down my thighs.
ignore my screams into the night,
ignore my tears streaming down my face,
ignore the scars I made for you.
hold your breath,
hold your fists,
hold your heart beating deep inside you.
don't let yourself cry,
don't let yourself be seen,
don't let me see you act like this.


I'll do it again,
just you wait,
you have no control,
no not anymore,
I'll do what I want,
I'll bleed when I want,
I'll cry and scream and beat myself.
you tell me to stop,
but i can't,
I don't want to listen,
I don't want you to care,
I want you to leave,
and I'll take care.
I'll cut so deep,
and feel so good,
I'll bleed so much,
and die so slow,
you don't own me anymore

I Can't

The pain is back,
the urge to cut,
overwhelming every inch,
every aching inch of my body.
I can't breath,
it's become to much,
where's my fucking razor blade?
feed the urge,
leave the pain,
let it drip out,
with my blood.
I can't get deeper,
I need to get there,
need to feel that happiness again.
I can't taste it anymore,
it's become to much,
I can't feed the final hunger,
I don't have anymore to give,
it envelopes me,
and I'm gone.
I can't see light anymore.
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[31 Dec 2003|07:53pm]
[ mood | worthless ]
[ music | Paper Thin-Hot Water Music ]

well, it's new years eve and i'm just sitting here, I have nothing to do, nowhere to go. no one's home that I could call, no one's online to talk to, i'm all alone. talk about an easy way to find out how much your life really sucks, ne?
I really need to cut again, I have cuts all the way down to my knees now. I feel so worthless, so much like trash, it hurts. I haven't truely smiled since before this time last year, I don't even know what it feels like anymore.
I want to die, I want to stop feeling like this. I hate these urges, I hate these scars. but they're all I have, so really I love them more than i could ever hate them.
someone take me away from here,
take me from this dark place in life,
carry me away to what i deserve,
let me have what i've needed all this time,
show me what it is to smile,
help me forget how to cry,
love me till i believe this was all just a bad dream.

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bah [22 Dec 2003|05:12pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

I don't really feel like writing anything

I need to cut


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pain and happiness [21 Dec 2003|10:15pm]
[ mood | relieved ]

lol the hap-penis lol I just realized that!

anyways, my hair is now very dark brown/black. I went through a lot of physical pain to get it!

well first we bleached it, making my roots very very white and the rest a bit orange-ish. so then we thought it was light enough to add the color so we did. well after I suffered through the unbareable pain of my scalp burning it was done processing so we rinsed, it looked exactly the same as it did before we put the color in it. and i hated it so we went out to wal-mart(yes I actually went there and bought something) and we got this brown-black dye came home and put it in! and now it's all pretty and dark and great, but it smells like i've been bathing in baby powder, yuck!

but i'm happy, yay yay yay!
Skank Yas Later

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[21 Dec 2003|01:15pm]
[ mood | horny ]
[ music | Raison D'etre-Dir en Grey ]

Horny Yoshiki
you are- Horny Yoshiki!!
Ahhh, yes, everyone needs some lovin' once in a
while, even our main man Yoshiki, YOU GO AND
GETS A LITTLE...umm....ANXIOUS!^__^;;

What Yoshiki are you??
brought to you by Quizilla
sexy sexy sexy!
Read more... )

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ahoy maties! [21 Dec 2003|11:56am]
[ mood | hyper ]
[ music | My Other Car Is a Spaceship-Commander Venus ]

i'm feeling all good again today! don't really know why though!

I'm getting my hair dyed tonight, I'm not sure which color though, I think I'm just going to find a color that matches my roots, so I'll have my natural hair color, which will be a first in like 6 years! I know my mom and aunt wouldn't let me dye it a temporary color right before christmas, so I have to go wtih something normal. and she still wont let me dye my hair black, she says it would look bad because I have really really pale skin. but actually it would make me look better, it would bring out the white in my skin and make the pink less noticable! but she's a fucking bitch about it like always.

wow, how come I only get pissed at my mom when it comes to dying my hair? really, I don't get mad at her otherwise!

ooo, I went to go see the Return of the King last night! Becky called me up and asked if I wanted to go along, and I said I was broke but her dad said he'd pay for me! which was so cool of him! When we got to the theater it was PACKED, people waiting outside in line and everything! and when we went into the first room that was playing it was EMPTY! but then we found out that room was playing it at 8:20 and the room down the hall is the one we wanted, the one playing at, 7:55. and when we got to the right room it was full! the only four seats that were all together was in the very front row on the end. the seats lean back so we were like laying there stareing up at the screen, if felt kinda 3D. and it was sooo loud! but very very very very very good! I loved it! I cried! I don't think Gollum is too cute anymore, after what he did to Sam, and then what he did to Frodo, no, he's a bastard now!

Skank Ya Later Kids!

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quizzes! [20 Dec 2003|03:49pm]
[ mood | silly ]
[ music | Sick Boy-Social Distorion ]

I am Kaoru!
honestly... YOUR EYES ARE SO DAMN SEXY! glare at us! GLARE! not to mention your impeccable taste in clothing... you've not got it wrong ONCE! you're perfect kaoru... except... stop being such a mopey turd you poo! whine whine whine. I'm going to glare and be a sulker! oooh well SOORRY Mr. Perfect Whiner! don't worry, we love you because we know we'll never be able to play guitar like you do *crying*
want to know who you are? Then take the quiz at esoteric symphony

I am compatible with plaintive Kaoru!
we're not saying you're grieving... but for this result there's obviously something not quite right, maybe you like it this way, that melodramtic atmosphere, almost romantic really. you and kaoru could drink yourselves into oblivion, reclining to your 3 star hotel, reveling in one another's crestfallen auras. deflecting any light you'll quite willingly lament in the situation and due to your both being so choleric you're irrefutably meant for each other... that's so depressing...
want to know who your match is? Then take the quiz at esoteric symphony

is there an echo in here?
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[20 Dec 2003|12:57pm]
[ mood | arrogant ]
[ music | London's Calling-The Clash ]

I've been quiet lately huh?
Everyone else seems to be living it up. My week was ok i guess, I actually had friends over last night! unbelievable ne? Yea, Becky and Krysta came over and we watched The Two Towers, they're prolly going to see Return of the king today, but I can't I'm broke! :( oh well. Shmeegle is kinda cute, ya know?

I had to go see my counsellor again yesterday, she was just asking if my mom has done anything, but she hasn't so oh well. I guess what I'm doing isn't that bad. I mean, it makes me feel good about myself. makes me feel really good, like there's nobody else in the world as beautiful and wonderful as me, that's how it makes me feel. If people don't like my scars and cuts tough! they don't have to look at them if they don't want to, it doesn't mean I'm a bad person!

last night I also introduced Becky into the wonderful world of Visual Kei. all she really said about appearance was that she liked Miyavi's lip ring, but doesn't everyone?

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Quizzes YAAAY! [10 Dec 2003|09:47pm]
The master
Being the oldest doesn't bother me, I've got the
edge. I'm most often regarded as the leader
of Dir en grey, but try telling that to Kyo.
Find out which J-rocker you are here by miyabi!
check out more )
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previously written at 11:10am [09 Dec 2003|05:11pm]
[ mood | blah ]

The library is closed today so i'm stuck in actual study hall. I don't even know what time this hour ends. I would be on here right now but I'm not so I'll just have to do this prewritten entry when I get home. oo I finally organized my biology binder.

My flesh aches, you know that feeling, a group of cuts all together rubbing against rough clothing, yea, it aches.

I love that feeling, when you're bleeding that the blood doesn't just well up on the wound but actually drips and runs down your skin. It feels so good, like a surge of energy that makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up. And not to forget the beautiful color, pure red blood against my milky white skin, gorgeous.

I'm happy that I switched to a place that's much easier to hide. I feel so much more comfortable, but I wear low cut jeans and babydoll t's so I'm always pulling down my shirt, but no one wants to see my fat haning out anyways.

I was talking to myself the morning (ok, I wasn't talking to myself I was tolking to my imaginary friends), when I blurted out the idea that my family was ignorant. I was shocked with myself but then realized it's true. My family actually sees my pain, friends see my pain, but only one has ever told me to stop once.

I can't stop, like last night it was so hard and painful, I NEEDED it. I would have gone insane and broke down with out it. And after I did it I felt so good, so new, so perfect, like nothing that anyone could say or do could get me down.

But now here I am in 4th hour feeling like shit but smiling and acting like I'm one of the happiest people alive white I write down all the things that are fucked up in my head and life.

I just want someone to understand and listen, someone I can really relate to, ya know? I want friends that actually have something in common with me. Not that I don't like the friends I have, I do, it's just all we have is stupid jokes, nothing meaningful. Laughes are fun but they're not a substance you can really grasp with your heart.

My teachers don't even understand that when it comes to certain things that really is the best I can do. I'm great with writing, anything, but if it's a hands on thing or a presentation I drown. None of them want to take time out to help me understand thing, ya know? half of the fime I'm absolutly clueless. I only have 2 teachers that'll really sit down with me and halp me understand, and I appreciate them very much. It's the teacher's I've had over the years like that, that got me to want to be a teacher myself. I like to give and ehlp and to give knowlege and help other people is something I want to do, it's something I have a passion. To know that I can help people and make them feel good about something or learn to care about what I want to give to them, it makes me feel good, and I want to be good.

I want my life to be full and happy, and I'll do anything I can to make that happen.

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