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Thursday, May 13th, 2004
10:12 pm
I am suicidal. Again. But each time it gets worse. And I come closer to actually doing it. As my life gets worse. And it all spirals further and further out of control.
Everything is crashing down around me. And I can't hold on forever.
Tonight may well be the night.

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Sunday, March 14th, 2004
6:52 pm - Exams revisited
I've just been reading through exam week last time. I'm a stone heavier this time round. How much does that suck? I also know absolutely nowt. Oh dear. Life is actually far more screwed up this time round. Everything that could have gone wrong has. And the things that have happened since then I couldn't have guessed.
I worked with a child over summer and decided that I DO want kids and probably will be a good parent. I've begun the process of moving house, I've fallen head over heals in love and been abandoned, I've had people fall in love with me, I've told someone about Dad.
And much much more. Thinking about it, I can actually remember exactly what I was thinking and feeling during exams last year (I can remember every mouthful of everything I ate actually, even though it was 3/4 year ago.) But I have definintely changed a lot as a person. I guess matured? Maybe more just hardened my heart to the world even moer, and decided never to trust anyone with anything whatsoever.
But I did enjoy being that thin. I remember what hell it was being so addicted to food though. Oh well, my choice.

Today: sausage, 2 slices toast, crisps, skittles, pasta, oranges, coffee, diet coke. Is that it? Umm, yes it is. Actually, writing it down it doesn't seem that bad, but it was. More to do with portion sizes really.

I wish I wasn't so fat and that I had never given in and let Joe cyber with me so things would be back to how they were. I didn't even want to do it with him. I just thought it would make him happy. It just left me feeling dirty really. Just like everything with Dad happening all over again.

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6:52 pm - Exams revisited
I've just been reading through exam week last time. I'm a stone heavier this time round. How much does that suck? I also know absolutely nowt. Oh dear. Life is actually far more screwed up this time round. Everything that could have gone wrong has. And the things that have happened since then I couldn't have guessed.
I worked with a child over summer and decided that I DO want kids and probably will be a good parent. I've begun the process of moving house, I've fallen head over heals in love and been abandoned, I've had people fall in love with me, I've told someone about Dad.
And much much more. Thinking about it, I can actually remember exactly what I was thinking and feeling during exams last year (I can remember every mouthful of everything I ate actually, even though it was 3/4 year ago.) But I have definintely changed a lot as a person. I guess matured? Maybe more just hardened my heart to the world even moer, and decided never to trust anyone with anything whatsoever.
But I did enjoy being that thin. I remember what hell it was being so addicted to food though. Oh well, my choice.

Today: sausage, 2 slices toast, crisps, skittles, pasta, oranges, coffee, diet coke. Is that it? Umm, yes it is. Actually, writing it down it doesn't seem that bad, but it was. More to do with portion sizes really.

I wish I wasn't so fat and that I had never given in and let Joe cyber with me so things would be back to how they were. I didn't even want to do it with him. I just thought it would make him happy. It just left me feeling dirty really. Just like everything with Dad happening all over again.

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Saturday, March 6th, 2004
8:59 pm
Enough
is
enough

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Friday, February 20th, 2004
12:58 pm - Forms
What is it with forms? I never understand them. I think they write them in the most confusing way possible. I'm going on holiday to Nice with some friends in about 4 weeks time and I need a new passport, but it is really not clear what boxes you are and are not meant to fill in on the form. So I need to treck about 3 miles back to town to get a new form since I've stuffed it up.

Plus I need to get photos taken for it. Immortalise my fatness. The passport is valid fro 10 years. 10 years with a fat passport photo. Great

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Thursday, February 19th, 2004
9:58 pm - Note to self
Laura, life isn't a game. Stop acting as if it is. Everything you do does have real consequences. This is all too important for you to just ignore it for something so stupid. You HAVE to start working, you HAVE to stop thinking about food, you HAVE to stop messing people round, you HAVE to stop spending so much money, you HAVE to sort things out with Mum and Dad and Hannah, you HAVE to get better.
You aren't allowed to cut yourself, or scratch yourself, or hurt yourself in any way. You aren't allowed to think bad things about yourself. You are NOT allowed to kill yourself. That's the easy way out and you aren't given the luxury of having things easy. You're not good enough for that.

I really wish I could stop looking at the world like this. At least I'm good at pretending to people that everything's ok and that I'm happy. That's a talent that will get me far. So long as no-one knows there is anything wrong, they wont ask me what's wrong, and then I'll never have to face it. I can just kind pretending that nothing in the world is real and it's all just a game in my head.

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12:16 am - Every day comes with its own surprises
So another little blip on life's path. I get some random email from some guy, talking about eating disorders. This isn't good. Really, really not good. If people in my college or on my course find out, that'll be it, I can kiss everything that I've poured my heart and soul into for the past 8 years goodbye. I can't let that happen. I'm SO dedicated to this. I want this so badly. It means everything to me. I know I complain about the work, but I enjoy everything that is remotely clinical. Today in a statistics seminar the demonstrator was asking me to pretend I was giving a statement to the press about some outbreak of Salmonella, and he keep calling me doctor. It felt so good. I loved it, being called doctor. I can't wait to be a doctor. When we go to lectures in the hospital, I imagine as I'm walking along the corridor that I'm a doctor walking along the corridor and it feels lovely. Words cannot describe it.
So wherever this guy has come from, I really hope he just goes back to. Yes I probably do need help but I'm way too scared to get it. I just hope that this isn't the begining of the end. I mean no-one can actually know anything right? There's only 2 people I've ever told and they're not linked to the university. Oh please God may no-one here find out. It's terrifying. I'd give anything to be a doctor, anything. Please don't take it away from me.

current mood: scared

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Monday, February 16th, 2004
1:53 pm - "It's not like you've had a hard life"
No, I haven't had a hard life and I do try to be grateful for that. I have no right to be angry or upset about anything. It's perfectly normal for a kid to be left on their own all day at 5 years old. It's normal for her Dad to talk to her, and look at her and touch her like that. There's nothing screwed up with that.
I feel FAT. And stupid. And nothing I do makes people happy and I can never be good enough for people. Everyone just has such high expectations of me, and I can't really deal with it.
I'd never really dare to do anything about it though.

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Friday, February 13th, 2004
5:48 pm
Without meaning to sound melodramatic, I am actually planning to kill myself tonight. Not in some metaphorical way, but in a physical no longer breathing way. I'll just take all my assorted pills, go to bed and sleep forever. I don't want to live any more. I'm sick of feeling this way. I've given it a chance to get better and it hasn't, so that's it. I'm not scared any more. I'm not afraid, I'm not upset. I'm just very calm. I'm sorry to anyone that I hurt by doing this, but there is no one that cares about me enough to be hurt. The world is better off without me.

So ends this life. I know I'll go to Hell for doing this, but I think that is about all that I'm good for. Goodbye.

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Friday, February 6th, 2004
5:52 pm - Hmm
Well, I've done just about everything I thought I would never do now. I don't believe it, but I've actually started taking ephedrine. So for the past 3 days I've ingested nothing but ephedrine, diet coke, coffee, water and suger free strepsils. I feel kind of out of it. Actually, dizzy, weak, but hyperactive at the same time. My HR is through the roof, I dread to think about my BP. And I'm already addicted to the ephedrine. I look forward to the next one and get in a rediculously good mood when I've just taken one.

I don't want to be like this. I hate being like this. But i can't help it. I hate myself so much and just really need to be thin even though I know that wont change anything. I want someone to care about me and tell me to stop it.

At least I haven't cut in a while now.

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Sunday, January 25th, 2004
9:40 pm - and again...
Nothing changes. Well, actually, it's more of a variation on a theme.
Went jogging with sian in freezing cold at 9am. Ouch. Only managed 20 mins and was absolutely knackered. God, how embarressing.
Then table tennis.
Then piano.
Then chapel - sat there on verge of tears, scratching my arm over and over, thinking 'God's going to hate me for this'.
Then parents phone call - Mum '"you sound terribly depressed. what's happened? are you bored? are you lonely? you just sound so depressed. is it a depressing time of the year there?" Did a bad job of convincing her all was well. I want to go home but have no home. Going to be completely alone for 3 days at the end of the term. I dread to think what I'll do to myself then.
Got no work done - going to to fail.
Cut myself. A lot. Once wasn't enough. Twice wasn't enough. Three times wasn't enough. Only ever cut myself once at a time before. Plus the scratched arms.
Too fat. Too ugly. Too alone. Everyone leaves.
Scratch, scratch, scratch.
No-one can help. There is no help. There is no end.

Just need to wait to get happy again and try not to cut too much more before then.

Must stop eating.

Must cheer up for other people's sake. There is no end.

Took travle sickness pills. I just want to sleep.

current mood: thirsty

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Thursday, January 15th, 2004
9:31 pm - Here we go again
Today started out so well, and now it's just go so downhill because I ate. Why am I so shallpw as to care so much about what I eat and to let it ruin my life like this.
I feel so fat.
I can't revise any more when I feel like this.
I'm going to fail.
I want to cut so bad it isn't funny.
I'm not going to let myself if at all possible.
So I'm giving up on revision and going to bed.
Even though it's only 9.30 which is a rediculous time to go to bed.
Even though that means I'm going to fail my collections, my exams, fail to get into clinical school, fail to become a doctor, fail to help people.
All because I'm such a fat freak.
I need to cut.
I'm going to bed.

current mood: disappointed

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Monday, November 10th, 2003
5:41 pm
Too much coffee. Jittery. Aaahh. So tired, but so hyper at the same time.

Birthdau present from parents arrived. Massive box from Thorntons. Crap. So many chocolates. What do I do? I'll worry about that later.

Got Two Towers soundtrack. Yay!! So immensely excited about the final film. You reall couldn't even begin to imagine.

Wow, caffeine overdose. So hyper.

current mood: hyper

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Thursday, November 6th, 2003
2:46 pm - Evil
I am an evil, evil person and I know for a fact I'm going to hell. I'm such a terrible person. NOTHING is sacred to me. I'm so sorry.

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Sunday, November 2nd, 2003
12:28 am - Insomnia
This is fucking rediculous. The time I started trying to sleep: 9.30
The time now 12.30

I have to get up at 8 tomorrow.

I can't cope anymore.

I just want everything to be over.

http://www.freeopendiary.com

Actually, no. I'm not going to tell you who I am on there. not a good idea.

I hear the fish like fuschia this time of year

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Thursday, October 30th, 2003
10:25 pm - erm
should i kill myself?
in all seriousness
should i kill myself

promise to take me someplace else

i truely just don't see the point in being alive any more

if you're not enjoying something, if you stopped enjoying it a long time and doubt that you're ever going to enjoy it again, you just stop doing it right?

so maybe i should just stop living.

no, really, i'm being serious.

i would quite like to kill myself

please

is that ok?

hello?

anybody noticing me?

anyone even know i'm here?

obviously not

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Wednesday, October 29th, 2003
11:18 pm
I've had enough of everything.
The thought of absolutely every single thing scares me.
And I hate myself.

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Thursday, October 23rd, 2003
2:17 pm - Park End
Went out clubbing just me and Ivie last night. Started off boring as hell cos the RnB was crap. Then got slightly more interesting later on shall we say.


We were just leaving the dance floor when 2 men grabbed us and starting grinding with us. Mine was ugly as sin, and, wait for it... 33! What is it with me and older men? Why are they so attracted to me? Anyway, he was rubbing himself all over, with his hands on my ass, breasts, trying to kiss me on the lips and chest. Oh my God it was horrible. And he kept dragging me away from Ivie who was having the same thing done to her by this other guy. He was totally erect too, and kept pushing it into me. This went on for like an hour, until me and ivie managed to run away. They wanted our phone numbers and to take us home with them. Do we look like sluts or something? All the other medics and people living on my corridor were there too so must have seen. How embarressing!


I can't belive how much I ate yesterday, and I ate at 3am this morning too when I got back from the club. I ate rice, cheese, bread and chicken slices. I mean, seriously, what was I thinking? Cheese?!?! That's essentialy a solid block of fat.


And I've paid for it too. I went shopping today and so couldn't fit into any clothes, but I bought some new tops (with the non-existant money have, damn credit cards!), and bought a pair of slim size 8 jeans that i can't fit into now, but they'll be my inspiration not to eat, cos it was a waste of £12 otherwise (bargain price by the way!). Jeans are a nightmare for me, cos I have enormous thighs, so i can never pull them up, and it just looks disgusting. My thighs are so the worst part of me.


Not eating. Drinking coffee. Taking ProPlus and vitamins.

current mood: fat

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Tuesday, October 21st, 2003
4:22 pm - Si
So, um, I like don't really fancy him, but then I suppose I've never actually met him. should I just go out with him for the hell of it because I can? Or is that like really mean?
Cut, cut, cut, cut, ,cut. My leg is so fucked up now. I have to stop doing this.
How can I be so happy on the exterior while being so damn sad on the inside? How much longer can I keep pretending I'm not being eaten alive from within?
I hate food. Food hates me.
Silver halos will never be as fine as gold ones.

current mood: crazy

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Friday, October 17th, 2003
5:55 pm
she never mentions the word addiction
in certain company
she paints her eyes as black as night now
she pulls those shades down tight
oh yeah, there’s a smile when the pain comes,
the pain’s gonna make everything alright
she don't know no lover
none that i have ever seen
yes, to her that ain't nothing
but to me it's everything
she says she talks to angels
she says they all know her name
yeah, she talks to angels
says they call her out by name

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