| 11:45p |
all i am is a monster.
So now that I think about it, I didn't ever think this would happen.
Okay, I knew that things were going to get fucked up, but I didn't know things would just get
so bad that I don't even want to live anymore. I don't understand why we live just to die.
I don't understand why anyone would want to be alive. When I think back to all I had,
and compare the mass to what I have left--there is nothing left. I lost my two best friends in the
matter of three years--I don't know what I did that made everyone think so repulsively of me.
I remember I once made a list of 60 people who I was friends with; I remember that I considered
these people my "best friends" even If I barely talked to them. I can't even name 5 friends of mine, let alone
60. I honestly didn't think my life would come crashing down like it did.
All I really remember was..happiness to some extent in grade 6, and into grade 7. I remember
being relieved of getting out of grade 5, hoping that the bullying would stop, hoping to be popular
and not the 'big ape' anymore. And I was. I actually had a lot of friends. But why were some of the people
who were my friends, still calling me fat and ugly? If I'm fat and ugly, how did I have so many friends?
I don't even know. I loved life, I loved everyone, until things got really bad again in grade 7. I didn't
want to relive this shit again, so my body shut down. I know what triggered it. and I remember
it as the most painful moment in my life. It was the first time that I actually just wanted to go
upstairs and die. And I cried for days, and I stopped eating for months. My whole life was gone because
of that single moment, that I felt my heart literally break into pieces.
I think that this is why I have post traumatic stress now; although I don't know why it took so long to clue in.
Maybe it's that and other
things on top of this. Maybe it's the fact the highschool has gotten so horrible; so painful for me.
I'm down from 60 friends to..what, two at my school? I can't even trust these people with my life
like I was once able to with other people--but I learned that putting too much trust in other people
ends up with you being shut down; taken advantage of. I don't know anything anymore.
I just don't know how I'll ever be able to get that open, loving feeling back with anyone, because
even now, people are still walking all over me, so I'm trying my best to avoid it. If I could break
down the walls that i've built, I would. If you have a ladder, please climb right over. My boyfriend is
basically my life. He is my best friend and he is..everything. I guess this is kind of bad for him at least
because I've only grown too attached to him, because he's the only ground that I have. I'm not
willing to let something tear us apart because he is the last thing that I want to lose right now; the
last thing that i'll ever lose if I do. I think that I need an honest friend. I need a new best friend.
I want to be able to talk and laugh and share with this person, like
I first did with Lauren. Honestly, Lauren always made me so happy, and it was so nice to know
that we were inseperable and always would be (or so that was what was planned). When I think back to it
..I don't know what to think. I feel very bad for you, Ryan. I love you too much. I don't know why you've
stayed with me for this long, but thank you for it. You brought new meaning to my life.
I'm scared.
and what has happened with ryan's parents really scared me. |