Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in rebecca's Blurty:

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Tuesday, May 13th, 2008
8:39 pm	a is for anorexia, anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, anemia b is for bulimia, body dysmorphic disorder and borderline personality disorder d is for depression, depersonalization disorder,dependent personality disorder, dsythemia e is for eating disorder h is for hypochondriasis m is for mitro valve prolapse, mania o is for obsessive compulsive disorder, oral fixation. p is for panic attacks, paranoid personality disorder i got bored. that's me ^ ^ misery signals tomorrow!
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Sunday, May 11th, 2008
12:42 am	dear mom, i'm sorry that you think everything is your fault. you're amazing, and i'm sorry if i ever made you think any less.
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Tuesday, May 6th, 2008
9:27 pm	Isn't it Ironic? We ignore those who adore us, adore those who ignore us. Love those who hurt us, and hurt those who love us
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5:35 pm	I haven't actually written in a while. Ryan just texted me and told me that he got into an accident; which not only scares me...because well, it's the matter--but, I strangely had a feeling that he got into one before I even got home; or I just sensed that something was up. I guess that's weird, I'm not trying to sound harsh or anything but I don't know, that scares me. He's okay though, or so he told me. I hope he is, I love him. I just got home from Megan's/ Coffee culture. It was good I guess, I hadn't seen her for a long time. She just moved in right beside where Melissa lives. Speaking of her, she's such an idiot now. I don't even want to talk to her. Shit has been really weird and my moods are all over the place again; I can't wait for the summer. I get to see Misery Signals, August Burns Red, As I lay dying and evergreen terrace on the 14th too. I've been excited for a while because I haven't been to a concert since November. I'm waiting to hear from Ryan, I'm scared. It's okay, well I love you the same like when we were just kids"
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Sunday, April 27th, 2008
5:58 pm	you are the core in every apple; worn down, filled with new beginnings that will only bloom if someone picks you up and tosses you. i threw you too far
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12:39 am	I said to the waitress, "hey, another coffee" refills are free, and i'm feeling pretty lonely the diner's kinda cold and a little bit empty just then she walked in, and she tried to ignore me it's my ex-wife, and she's looking kinda sick i recently just learned she's been blowing crazy shit "oh, baby, how ya been? i haven't seen you in a bit" "i know we aren't great friends, but can you take some time and sit, huh?" thanks, hun, you look very pretty i know that you know that i know, and it hurts me so much i can't help you... i wanted to help you let me please help you how come? how could you do this? you're so goddamn gorgeous you're so goddamn selfish i love you to pieces kiddo, i'm dying i'm tired of crying, ok? just stop look what your man's done he made a mess, and he's selling me sick i'm so sickening sick of me sick i'm so sickening sick of me sick i'm so sick hey, it's ok i love you the same like when were just kids oh, babe, it's just me i know we don't talk much i love you... please stop this just stop this, just stop it, just stop stop it stop this i can't sit here and watch while you make yourself sick i'm so sickening sick of what? sickening sick of me sickening sick of her sickening sick of sick my bad i'm an awful example a hypocrite and a cheat so i'm sorry it's just i won't let this happen again i let my hair grow and i tried to forget you don't break my heart and let this shit kill you i can do what i want 'cause my ex-girlfriend don't give a fuck about jamie devine can do what he wants 'cause his ex-girlfriend don't give a fuck about all of us got these broken dreams a fractured love over drugs that scream about forcing yourself to do what you want 'cause your next girlfriend will make you write about so all of us can do what we want 'cause our ex-girlfriends don't give a fuck about sweetheart please! you can't give up please love yourself and stay with us around i won't ever know how things end up i miss her lots, but we rarely talk... oh, well oh, jamie please, let's get a drink i think it's 'bout time we leave this place, ya know? ya know? ya know?
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12:32 am	hey, it's ok i love you the same like when were just kids oh, babe, it's just me i know we don't talk much i love you... please stop this just stop this, just stop it, just stop stop it stop this i can't sit here and watch while you make yourself sick
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Saturday, April 26th, 2008
11:04 am	how come? how could you do this? you're so goddamn gorgeous you're so goddamn selfish i love you to pieces kiddo, i'm dying i'm tired of crying, ok?
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Thursday, April 24th, 2008
12:06 am	you give me a reason to be alive.
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Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008
11:45 pm	all i am is a monster. So now that I think about it, I didn't ever think this would happen. Okay, I knew that things were going to get fucked up, but I didn't know things would just get so bad that I don't even want to live anymore. I don't understand why we live just to die. I don't understand why anyone would want to be alive. When I think back to all I had, and compare the mass to what I have left--there is nothing left. I lost my two best friends in the matter of three years--I don't know what I did that made everyone think so repulsively of me. I remember I once made a list of 60 people who I was friends with; I remember that I considered these people my "best friends" even If I barely talked to them. I can't even name 5 friends of mine, let alone 60. I honestly didn't think my life would come crashing down like it did. All I really remember was..happiness to some extent in grade 6, and into grade 7. I remember being relieved of getting out of grade 5, hoping that the bullying would stop, hoping to be popular and not the 'big ape' anymore. And I was. I actually had a lot of friends. But why were some of the people who were my friends, still calling me fat and ugly? If I'm fat and ugly, how did I have so many friends? I don't even know. I loved life, I loved everyone, until things got really bad again in grade 7. I didn't want to relive this shit again, so my body shut down. I know what triggered it. and I remember it as the most painful moment in my life. It was the first time that I actually just wanted to go upstairs and die. And I cried for days, and I stopped eating for months. My whole life was gone because of that single moment, that I felt my heart literally break into pieces. I think that this is why I have post traumatic stress now; although I don't know why it took so long to clue in. Maybe it's that and other things on top of this. Maybe it's the fact the highschool has gotten so horrible; so painful for me. I'm down from 60 friends to..what, two at my school? I can't even trust these people with my life like I was once able to with other people--but I learned that putting too much trust in other people ends up with you being shut down; taken advantage of. I don't know anything anymore. I just don't know how I'll ever be able to get that open, loving feeling back with anyone, because even now, people are still walking all over me, so I'm trying my best to avoid it. If I could break down the walls that i've built, I would. If you have a ladder, please climb right over. My boyfriend is basically my life. He is my best friend and he is..everything. I guess this is kind of bad for him at least because I've only grown too attached to him, because he's the only ground that I have. I'm not willing to let something tear us apart because he is the last thing that I want to lose right now; the last thing that i'll ever lose if I do. I think that I need an honest friend. I need a new best friend. I want to be able to talk and laugh and share with this person, like I first did with Lauren. Honestly, Lauren always made me so happy, and it was so nice to know that we were inseperable and always would be (or so that was what was planned). When I think back to it ..I don't know what to think. I feel very bad for you, Ryan. I love you too much. I don't know why you've stayed with me for this long, but thank you for it. You brought new meaning to my life. I'm scared. and what has happened with ryan's parents really scared me.
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