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"yes thats often how i think of jeff...a 6' 2" pile of malevolence" --Rachel, 2004 [28 Mar 2004|10:48pm]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | B 101 ]

LOL. Rachel just said that, and I couldn't not use it. So I'm making a journal entry title out of it. Rachel is awesome.

Anyway, yesterday and today were eventful..."Eventful" is such a useful word.

Saturday I went Prom dress shopping. That was bad. Let's no go there. Except there was this one dress that was so ugly I HAD to try it on. It was one of those poofy ones. So I was in the dressing room standing up and sitting down for about 5 minutes. It was much like my experience searching for a Winter Ball dress Sophmore year...It was so fun. But that was pretty much the only good part of it all. In conclusion, I absolutely loathe strapless bras. God was KIDDING WHEN HE MADE YOU, YOU HATEFUL ARTICLES OF CLOTHING...Needless to say, wearing one was literally putting me in a bad mood...so much so, mom was like, "Take off that bra and put on a real one before I feel I need to kill you." Hey...she didn't have to tell me twice. But it was kind of funny all the same. After that Jeff called to say he was done with All-State rehearsal and that he was coming to pick me up. I had wanted to go to hear Mrs. Fontes and her daughter sing together, and they sing at Mass at St. Augustine's. And I didn't want to go alone, so Jeff and I went. Which was fun. Then we went out for coffee. I swear, I'm going to get addicted as long as I'm hanging out with him. But hey...I've been pretty good. So it's cool. And then we went back to my mom's apartment and we went for a walk and I showed him the bay and my tree and it was so pretty. It was so super windy last night too, and so the water was soooo pretty. And yeah, it was nice. Then some funny stuff happened, which ended with Sarah driving up and Jeff leaving so she and I could go to Dan B's for this "party" thing he was having. We got so frickkin lost. It was so bad. And then we got there, and it was Dan's band playing and like, 3 other people just listening to them jam. It was too loud to talk. And I hadn't talked to Sarah in MUCH too long. So we decided to leave after another 2 or so songs...we also kind of felt out of place...so you know, it was fine. And Tom gave me a very violent hug...it was funny. And so Sarah and I left at pretty much the perfect moment. We had guess at how to get home. But we found out that it's true that every highway DOES lead eventually to our houses. It was sweet. But Sarah almost hit a bunny on the way. I think Sarah was more scared than the bunny was. It was funny. We ended up going to Garden City and walking around. I love talking to Sarah. And we got to talk about EVERYTHING. It was crazy great. Then we got cold, and she drove me home, but when we got there, she parked in front of my mom's apt and we talked for another hour. Around 12:30 am we decided she had better go home. So she did that, and I went to bed. Happy bed.

Sunday we Sunday school which was fun, as always...but it was like...they were SO BAD today. It was so bad!! And annoying. But we're talking about Passover. That's good. I heart Passover.


Remind me to tell you all about the Seder of Hope soon. Or just ask me. It's a pretty okay story...Right now I have to learn an entire chapter of Chem and type an entire English essay...and even then all my hw won't be done. Yay for Becka and her horrible time-management skills. But eh. Don't care. :)

Bye :)

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"FONT BONT!!!" [27 Mar 2004|11:24am]
[ mood | cheerful ]
[ music | The Rootbeer Song ~ Chapter Six ]

*rubs hands together* Okay, guys. This update is for Will, as he was 'upset' that I haven't really updated in two days. So here goes...

Wednesday was super fun because I had rehearsal until 5 pm, and then I started some homework in the cafeteria. I only got about 1/3 of the way through my analysis homework when Jeff came in. I had told him that if he wanted to, he could come back to school early so we could get coffee. So he did! :) And so we went to Dunkin' Donuts to get coffee. ^___^ It was so much fun! I don't drink coffee often...as in, like, once every 2/3 months....but man oh man oh man oh man. I like coffee. But olny french vanilla. And only with extra cream and extra (extra) sugar. Because of that I got so so so hyper. But just wait that part of the story...So we get our coffee and Jeff drives us back to school and he parks on Academy Ave. and we sit in his car, drinking our coffee. It fogged up the windows. That was amusing. And I finished my coffee before Jeff, so I took his glasses. I can see through them okay-ish, but I can only focus on one thing at a time with them on...which is funny. And he's as blind as a bat without them. So we decide to both be blind-ish, and link arms (as to try and help the other not walk into anything) and walk into school for La Sallian Idol. Cassie was at the door, and was shocked and dismayed at us trying to walk in and up the stairs. The sugar and caffeine started to kick in there. We get into the auditorium and I saw Will and he saw me and so we went to sit together. We found so seats and Will sat on one side, Jeff on the other. It was awesome because Kate, Rob, and Tricia and stuff were in the row behind us. Fun stuff. But the contestants themselves were okay...I mean...some of them were really good. And I so super admire all of them for getting up there to sing in front of so many people. That was very cool of them. Congratulations to all of them :). But I was geeking out in my seat because I was so hyper. My program was so molested...I had to give it to Jeff because I thought that I might kill it if I kept holding on to it. I was so twitchy that both Will and Jeff, at different times, grabbed my arm and said, "You need to calm down, Becka." I just couldn't. I was so hyper! It was crazyfun though. Maybe not for the people with me, but I was having a blast. Everything was funny. I was loving it. La Sallian Idol finally ended (Steve P won) and Jeff walked with me to my locker so I could get my stuff out of it so I could meet up with Will so I could get home. Jeff is never going to willingly give me coffee again. Good times!!! I met Will by the stage, and we went out to the theater entrance and waited outside for our ride. Oh man!! It was so nice outside. Will was like, "Please chill out!" But I was so happy that I was jumping around and skipping and being an airplane. It wasn't that I was happy, though. I knew I had a bunch of homework to do and I wanted to wear myself out so I could focus when I got home. It didn't really work too well though. Will actually said to me, "Stop it. You're embarassing me!" That was seriously the funniest part of the night. I was so proud of myself! :D But then as there got to be less and less people around, Will just thought I was amusing. So it was all good. Will is a cool kid. Which is why I'm so confused as to why we're only becoming friends now. It's so ridiculous! But I guess that's how the world works. :) Oh! I also made a new friend on Wednesday!! 'Gregory' A. He's so sweet!! He's in the play, and I really didn't know who he was, and that's just not cool. So I introduced myself to him formally, and he introduced himself as 'Gregory'. I was like, "Ohhhh you're so cute!" But I didn't say that to his face, because then he would have thought I was overly-weird. So I didn't say anything embarassing, and we talked about La Mancha for a few minutes, and right before we got the dance room (this was right before rehearsal started) he says, "You know...You have a great voice. I mean it. You're really talented. I really like your voice." And I was like, "Thank you!" But in the inside I was like, "You're my new best friend. And my new favorite sophmore." Juuuuuuuuuust kidding, dudes. But really. It's so true that flattery can get you anywhere with me. It's so sad. I just thought it was sweet of him to say it...And I was happy to have made a new friend. :) I like (most) people. (Most) People are very cool. ^__^

Thursday...what happened Thursday? Nothing too interesting. Rehearsal was fun. Rehearsal is always fun. I love this show. You guys, you all have to see it. Seriously. It's going to be so kick ass. Especially with all the fights and crap. Aaaah! So awesome!!

Friday Friday Friday. School was pretty bad. But the coolest part of the day was when I got myself a Prom date. Happy happy. It's going to be so much fun. I know I have myself a guarenteed good time. And I almost crossed myself in Chorus yesterday. It was SO funny. I was like, tearing I was laughing so hard. And then rehearsal was fun. I got home and packed and whatever for the weekend, and talked to Dan'il for a few minutes. Then I got to hang out with Will. :) My back got a serious work out as I walked with my back pack and weekend stuff over to mom's. Mom was out late last night, and especially because I live near some pretty kickass people, I figured I might as well not spend it alone. So after walking my stuff over to mom's, I walked over to Will's and we hung out of like, 3 hours. It was so laid back. It was great. He showed me a lot of his drawings and how he does it on the computer and his comic book in the works. HE'S SO TALENTED. And we just chilled in his room and talked about religion and philosophy and music and random stuff and I felt kind of smart. :) It was fun. I'm such a dork. But I love it. And around 10:30 ish, he walked me home. It was so nice outside, once again. I love when the weather is awesome. Oh man...I get such incredible spring fever. But it was a great way to spend a Friday night. It was so chill. Again, Will is a cool cat. ^_^

Today I get to go Prom dress shopping (Oh, Becka...don't get so excited.) Eh, whatever. Maybe I'll find more confidence, instead of losing all of it...like shopping for my Winter Ball dress. Too much to hope for? Maybe...but I've been feeling pretty comfortable with myself, and pretty confident. So maybe it will be okay. :) Then around 5 ish, Jeff gets out of All-State rehearsal and we're going to hear Mrs. Fontes and her daughter sing at the 6:15 pm mass at St. Augustine's. Yes, the Jew is going to mass. But it's the only way I'll get to hear Mrs. Fontes and her daughter sing. So it will be fine. I don't care, really. And then tomorrow...I have temple, then I hope to see the All-State performance, and then I'm a server at a Seder at the JCC. Fun! Passover starts soon. I like Passover. Hopefully I can organize a Seder for friends. But maybe not. But maybe I can...hopefully I can. Let me know if you'd be interested in it. (P.S. I'd love it even more if you'd be interested and were not Jewish, because Passover is such a kick ass holiday that you all should at least know what a Seder (the meal) is like...) Um. Let's see. I think that's it. Remind me if I've missed anything. *ponders* It feels like I'm leaving something. But maybe it's the overly sweetened tea talking. *twitches* ack.

K. Love you. Bye.

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A note from me to me. [27 Mar 2004|12:26am]
[ mood | fine :) ]
[ music | Sweetest Goodbye ~ Maroon 5 ]

*clears throat* A-HEM *recites*

Dear Rebekah,

WTF, dudette? Seriously...WTF?

Love always,
Becka

P.S. You're a loser. And a weirdo. Always. End.

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"Stiff like Tom when he touches Mary!" [23 Mar 2004|09:53pm]
[ mood | quixotic ]
[ music | Jesus Wrote A Blank Check ~ Cake ]

(^Hahahahahha. Religion class was fun today! (*makes a fish face*))
Wellllllllll....I just got home from a long day of thinking. But it's not as bad as I feared it to be. Tuesday's will be one of my most favoritest days now! Just listen:

7:30 am ish: At school making fun of and joining in sometimes with the Boys A Cappella.
8:15-2:25 pm: School...but there's not too much to be done about that
2:45-5:00 pm ish: Rehearsal, generally a singing and blocking day
5:00 (for which I'm late...)-8:30 pm: SAT Prep Course

The SAT Prep course is going to be so fun. There's Steph and Beth and Char (!) and Polce and Dan and Dean and others...and many new people who I get to meet-ish. This is going to be fun!! Plus! I actually DO get to eat! There's a half hour break and that means I get to eat food and be merry, which is so super great. I had fun today! It totally did not feel like the draining, horrific thing I thought it would be. Happy Happy. Plus Ms. Sanga is just about the coolest. And Ms. Karen seems nice and pretty cool, too. So that's happy too! :)

Oh, and it's really weird to type with my index finger taped to my middle finger...I hate that it's sprained. That's so dumb. It hurts a lot, it's true but still. It just feels weird. And it makes me feel like I'm constantly doing that priest thing where they...you know cross you with two fingers of whatever. It's just WEIRD. And it also kind of hurts, but I said that...and it's kind of expected since the finger is sprained. They said it would take like 2 to 3 weeks to heal! Screw that. A week sounds like enough time to me...if that. So yes. Two to three weeks my behind.

Ah yes so anyway. Much love needs to be sent in the way of Marshall! He's on vacation, and it was lucky for both of us that he is. I IMed him last night around 9 pm or so, and was like "I need a hug badly..." And he was like "I'll be there in just a few minutes..." And *POOF*! He was here in less probably under 15 minutes. And he gave me a really super hug. And he stayed and we talked (about laundry and laundry detergent...no lie!) for about an hour (we talked about other things too obviously...) and then I was like falling asleep on him so he went home. But not before giving me another Super Marshall Hug. He's a super friend. Two claps for Marshall!
Also, he's off visiting NYU today and won't be back until tomorrow. I wish I could go with him. But I don't know I'll even be applying to NYU in the first place. But it wouldn't hurt to visit, right? Right. Whatever. College, shm'ollege...I don't want to think about it right now...

But speaking of "shm'ollege"...What would you do if a kid's name was Shmool? I mean, you could never use that for his name...Like people would say, "Becka, shmecka...she's a silly girl..." But poor Shmool! You wouldn't be able to do that with his name! He'd be an outcast forever and ever!


Then again, if his name was Shmool, he'd have a lot more problems than not being able to have his name be "shm"ed...

Ok. I'm out.

P.S. Dan Lawlor is so cool.

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Fare thee well my little darling, fare thee well my Indian Star... [22 Mar 2004|07:58pm]
[ mood | crappy ]
[ music | On The Coast Of Malibar ~ The Chieftans ]

Have I told you lately that I love you?
Have I told you there’s no one above you?
Fill my heart with gladness
Take away my sadness
Ease my troubles, that’s what you do

Oh the morning sun in all it’s glory
Greets the day with hope and comfort too
And you fill my life with laughter
You can make it better
Ease my troubles that’s what you do

There’s a love that’s divine
And it’s yours and it’s mine
Like the sun at the end of the day
We should give thanks and pray to the one

Have I told you lately that I love you?
Have I told you there’s no one above you?
Fill my heart with gladness
Take away my sadness
Ease my troubles, that’s what you do

There’s a love that’s divine
And it’s yours and it’s mine
And it shines like the sun
At the end of the day we will give thanks
And pray to the one

Have I told you lately that I love you?
Have I told you there’s no one above you?
Fill my heart with gladness
Take away my sadness
Ease my troubles, that’s what you do

Take away my sadness
Fill my life with gladness
Ease my troubles that’s what you do
Fill my life with gladness
Take away my sadness
Ease my troubles that’s what you do.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Heh, well...I felt like putting this in here. Though I really just don't think the people I've really put my faith in will care about this. I dont know. I feel so oppressively sad. Because of my father, because of my disappointment in people. I feel like I have extended myself selflessly...it's just thrown in my face.
If you had just smacked me, this would have been over a lot faster...

I felt really detached today. And I felt really alone. And I felt like it was really because I pushed people away. I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry. This time, it's really true that I owe a lot of you an apology for my lack of anything recently. I've been a bad person, and I'm sorry.

But, guys, P.S...it's a two way street...

And also, I willingly admit that sometimes I need help but I don't know how to ask.




















I need about 10 hugs to make this unhappy feeling go away. Or maybe just a long hug.
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"Oh...I think she just orgasmed, but I can't tell!" [21 Mar 2004|01:21pm]
[ mood | crazy ]
[ music | 3 x 5 ~ John Mayer ]

Here we go!

Last night was AMAZING. AMAZING!! EEEEEE! Oh my goodness. But let me start from the beginning...

At 5 pm, I was supposed to meet up with Sarah and Katy at Uno's (Mary was going to be there 5:25:36 pm...hahaha Mare...). The parking was insane, so I was there a few minutes before Sarah and Katy, so I put our names in so we could get a table sooner rather than later. I'm glad I did, because as it was, I waited about 20 minutes for a table, and had pretty much just sat down as they walked in. So it was all good. Now, as soon as they sat, Katy got up again to go to the ATM to get dinero por la noche, and so Sarah and I got a chance to talk for a few minutes. I haven't talked to Sarah alone in so freakin long that I thought I was going to go insane. So this part of the night was especially good for me. I got to talk to her about stuff and catch her up on stuff and oh my goodness, it was fabulous. So Katy comes back and then has to leave again and then comes back and then leaves and THIS time comes back with money. I was glad for her. Our poor waitress had come about 3 times asking for drink orders and we were like, "Um....later?" That poor girl. But we didn't feel TOO bad...I mean...it's not like it was Paul or Matt (*swooooon*). So mary comes in and it's funfunfun. We laugh we eat, we make Sarah's phone waddle like a penguin. Good times. Goooooood times. Finally we pay and leave, drop the extra food off in Sarah's car and head off to the concert. We get there and I get a John Mayer t-shirt (which is actually darn cute on me), Mary gets pants and a shirt (with a FUZZY LLAMA!) and Katy gets a trucker hat. Very cute. So that was good and then we found our seats and weren't happy with them, so when Guster starts playing we sneak down NEXT TO THE STAGE. It was freakin awesome. But then we got kicked out right as Guster started playing their last song (Fa Fa...major flashbacks of Nick C...and during Barrel of A Gun (4, 3, 2, 1) as well). Oh well. We go back to our seats and wait for John Mayer to start playing. I called Chloe and that was funny because we couldn't find each other, but then we did and it was good. So yes...then John comes on and OH MY GOD. It was just...EEE. Well, since we were back in our actual seats, we all were standing so we could see, and we were minding our own business and just enjoying the concert. But then these stupid 'stupid-GRRRR-I-hate-those-kind-of-girls' girls were behind us and were constantly like "SIT DOWN, BITCHES. STOP BEING IMMATURE!" Oh, we were being immature? We told them off a few times but they kept bothering us. I was so mad. I'm still getting mad just thinking about it. It's like..."Fine. You think you're better than me? Fine. But no matter what you think I paid for these tickets too, and I'm actually going to enjoy this concert because this is where I want to be, and if that is going to give you an aneurysm deal with it." But whatever. I was so sick of their negative energy (I know that's a weird way to say it, but that's what it was...) that it was ruining the concert, and I couldn't just enjoy the music. And I WAS NOT going to sit down. So Mary and I went over the next section and down a few rows where there seemed to be empty seat (Sarah and Katy just sat down...but I was NOT going to stay near those girls (see, girls like them are part of the reason why I'm not bi or a lesbian)). I asked the girl in the row if anyone was sitting in those seats, and she was like "Yes, but they're at the bathroom." And so I asked her if we could at least stay there until they got back, and bless her heart, the girl nodded. So Mary and I were jamming out and enjoying ourselves, uninterrupted by anyone telling us to sit down, and I was happy. Then the girls came back, and get this! Pushed down so Mary and I could stay there with them!! I was like...oh my goodness you guys are my heros! They were SO nice! Especially compared to those other girls! It was great! I love (nice) people. :) So we stayed there for the rest of the concert, standing the entire time, and no one yelled at us again. I was in heaven, because I got to enjoy the concert. And enjoy the concert I did! (You did, Yoda?) Yes!!! Very much so!!! I loved when John played hid guitar behind his back, on the floor, upside down (I don't know how else to describe it...but not like Hendrix did...but if you're interested I'll show you Monday), and oh my goodness. No one can give me an arguement ever again that says he isn't a real musician. Not that I believed anyone before, but now...oh my goodness. My love for him is reinforced. AH! It was so great. And he stopped to talk a few times, and it was so funn!! ("When I was younger, I was so desperate, I drew a picture and masturbated to it...now THAT'S creativity!") He also let this other guy sing ("Sing what you feel, not what you know...") And this guy....this guy sand like, soprano all the way down to like barritone...he was INSANE. My jaw was on the FLOOR. But oh crap. I gtg. I'll finish this later. Now it's Jesus Christ Superstar with Jeff! :)

Lata!

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"So are you just going to sit there and bang your head against the computer for a while?" [20 Mar 2004|11:09am]
[ mood | calm ]
[ music | Bigger Than My Body ~ John Mayer ]

I listened to Brand New for the first time in a while, and I was reminded how awesome they are. They are coming April 14th...you know that, guys? Yeah they are. I want to see them like woah. So come on, guys. Let's go to the concert. It'll be kick ass. Maybe even like the Eve 6 concert. And maybe I won't get beat up. Or maybe I'll get more beat up. Probably the latter. Oh well. It will be fun no matter what. Oh man...it's going to be great. Now if only I could get tickets...

But you know what I DO have tickets for...John Mayer and Guster! Yeah! w00t w00t.

Maybe this will be what I need. Maybe this will make me feel better. Maybe...I don't know. I know I want to go to this concert tonight (omg obviously....I mean C'MON!) but at the same time, I don't want to go out. I'm just not feelin it. Going out with Sarah and Katy and Mary to Uno's usually makes me feel better, and we always have a super fun time, but...I don't know. I feel sluggish today. And that usually needs me to have a lot of energy. Especially right now. I'm so freakin confused. Well...not confused...well, yes confused but like...JESUS! Look at that last sentence!! ARG! I know what I want. I do. I know, for sure. The thing that causing problems, is all the baggage what I want includes. There's just...other people that need to be thought about. I was talking to Amanda a little about it last night, and she was like, "oooh, I've been in your situation before. You need to be careful to think about everyone." I don't want to have to think about everyone. Because when I think about everyone, I forgo what I want. But dammit! Rereading that sentence makes me think of how selfish that makes me sound. But...is it bad that I want what I want? Yes...I think it is. Because what I want is selfish. Bad Becka. Bad bad bad bad. But I've never been known to be good. Never been known to do the right thing when it comes to things that are about me...And, you know...what I want does include another person, so this is something I really do have to be careful about. I can't not think of other people. I am forced to. To some extent: dammit. But really I guess it's for the best. Because if I didn't technically have to think about anyone else, I might not. Maybe if I don't do anything until after April vacation...hahah omg I am the worst person in the world. Like 5 times over.

Jeff commented yesterday that he worries a lot. And that if he's not worrying, he feels like he's not doing enough. Like things will get too out of hand. That just made me think. About stuff. That I can't articulate yet. (Not that I'm articulate anyway...) But it did make me think about things and people and myself and my future. Maybe I don't want to articulate...to really try to explain what I'm thinking about, because I'm scared. I'm scared of the end of this year. I'm scared for this next summer. I'm scared of next school year. I'm scared what that really means. And I'm worrying. And looking ahead. But I can't think about it for long, because I realize that if I even keep thinking about the end of this year, I miss opportunities and fun times that will and can happen before that time comes.

*shakes head* Missed opportunities. Missed. Opportunities. Oh well. I guess it just goes to show...I was supposed to think before I act. You're a funny one, G'd. You've got a twisted sense of humor. No regrets. :)

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"Look at me! I can't even finish...................a thought." [19 Mar 2004|09:51pm]
[ music | The Jeff and Becka Song ]

Hold on. One more thing.

Reread an entry that was honest. Really honest. You won't see it, because it caused a big ass ruckus, and now is for my eyes only. It was a good entry, and I didn't want to delete it. But as I was reading it, I remembered all the crap that came out of it. Well...

Fuck that. That's what I have to say. I'm mad. I'm mad that when honesty isn't what someone wants to hear, people get their knickers all twisted. That pisses me off. It it really, truly does. What makes me maddest, though, is that I don't say what I REALLY think now. Because I'm scared of what that means. Desperately want to tell people about this dilemma I have recently found myself in. But I don't. And it's the thing primerily on my mind. I have unanswerable questions coming out my ears. And it sucks. It sucks majorly.

And it sucks that the prom is approaching. That's yet ANOTHER dilemma. I'm excited about prom, that's fine and good. But the idea of a date is giving me a heart attack. I just wish someone would ask me...but we all know how THIS goes. Badly, that's how. You guys remember the stories of Sophmore WB? Yeaaaaah...about that...I'm going to be so not happy if this is a repeat of then. And it's driving me crazy, those posters. "Think PROM" I don't WANT to think prom. Unless someone non-skeevy asks me. Blah. I don't know...I've lost my upset momentum. Marshall came over to give me a hug. We both needed one, I guess. And Marshall's a good hugger. I'm glad I have a good hugger so close by.

There was something else I wanted to tell y'all. But...now that I'm slightly more calm, I realize that too many people read this to think it okay to post that. So...once again, I'll refrain. I guess sometimes, it's just not appropriate to say what's really on your mind. That sucks ass, dude.

Man, I hate when I'm logical and calm. I'm so...logical and crap. But it's impossible to stay mad when listening to this song...

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I am a sucker for acoustic guitar. [19 Mar 2004|08:57pm]
[ mood | I don't know... ]
[ music | More Than Words ~ Extreme (acoustic) ]

WTF.

*sigh*

Today was okay. I woke up at a nice time, and I puttered around the house, signed up for the SATs on May 1, went over La Mancha stuff. That was fun. Did the smart thing of starting a load of laundry right when I wanted to take a shower. Ended up taking a friggen cold shower. Got dressed, put together "Chorus Costume" and was not completely ready when Jeff arrived. Poor Jeff. That's the first time that's ever happened though. I usually wait. I should have guessed Jeff would be different. Silly Becka. ANYway, Jeff meet my puppy while I locked the house up and stuff and off we went. To Borders. :) We sat in the children's section for about 3 hours. Met Phoebe, Sophie, and their mom. Jeff made fun of me. :) Then left to go to Rhodes for singing. Got there a little late. People were flipping out. Changed. Sang. Sucked. Voice cracked like a motha'...especially during my solo. Good going, Beck. Audience wasn't really listening anyway. They were too wrapped up in their salads and conversations. Dad picked me up. Was crabby. Grr! I also think just about everyone knows now. Good going there, too, Beck. This is going to be really interesting. And by really interesting I mean really...interesting...Crap.


Am kicking myself for lost chances. Dammit, dammit, dammit. Oh well. Next time...?


P.S. Jeff is a super kid to talk to.

P.P.S. Becka feels like a figgen idiot. Becka needs help. Help me?

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who knows what this really says...I don't think I was articulate tonight, oooooh well. :) [17 Mar 2004|10:47pm]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | Satellite (DMB cover) ~ Rockapella ]

I had the BEST english class today in like, EVER.

But...first things first.

Today promised to be a good day. Yesterday I hoped for the snow to stop. Now I (for the first part of the day) wish I hadn't. The day began sourly to begin with. I was woken up early by my father, who was already ina grumpy mood, to shovel. But I could not move. Seriously, I was numb I was so tired. By the time I did get up, I was running late (it was 6:21 am, when I am usually in the shower by 6:10 or so). When I was taking a shower I found myself giving up on standing up and and keeping my eyes open, so I fell asleep in the shower. Literally. Bad plan. I was all achy the rest of the day. Then, at school, it's seems to be okay, because I had A Cappella this morning, and that is always so super happy. Then first period comes around, and second, and third. Third period. Oh my goodness. It was religion today, and I decide that it would be beneficial for me to explain "Hatikva" for the class, and sing it, so they could hear it. And no, this isn't random of me: We've been talking of The Shoa and all that depressing stuff...but most of you knew that...Anyway, I sing it, and feel like a complete idiot. Now, I think I sung it all right, but it wasn't half as good as it should have been, and it was just...ugh. It was a good thing to introduce to the class, but I wish I had a second chance, to really get it right. I still feel like and idiot just remembering. Blah. So then lunch comes around. And that made everything worse. I don't feel well at lunch, and decide that orange juice is healthy and so I get in the lunch line to buy it, and that's fine, but when I get back to the table there's nowhere to sit. And no other obvious options. This, for some odd reason, puts me over the edge. I was convinced the day was going to hell. So I walk out, and after a few minutes feeling more stupid and crappy than ever, walk back in, and Claudia and I go to Campus Ministry and just hang out there for a few minutes...well...until the end of lunch. Then something else happened, but it's not appropriate to rant about in something public. So I won't. Anyway, so the day just is NOT getting better, and by now I have a headache, and get Tylenol from the nurse. She's a cool woman. She talked to me about the show. But then I went back to class, and that was boring.
BUT THEN!!
I'm at my locker after period A (and after senior lunch), and Jeff walks by and this is nothing so special because he has to walk by my locker a lot. But (are you ready for this, guys?), he stops and hands me a little bag of chocolate money, and says, "Here. I think you need this because it seems like you've been having a bad day, and...um...yes...so...here..." I take it, all flustered and am stuttering out a confused thank you, and he goes, "Yes, so...okay...yeah, it's a long story. But...ok bye!" And runs off to class. It Was The Cutest Thing Ever. It made my day and so much more. Not the chocolate, but that he thought of me. That it was a surprise gesture of thoughtfulness, and...I cannot describe to you how wonderful I think Jeff is. He really is. I mean, I've known that Jeff is so super sweet, but this was over the top. And maybe it doesn't seem like much, but when I didn't really feel I was getting much support (except from my darling Claudia) it was so nice. Little things like that I find so cute, and I really do appreciate them. The point is, that I was beaming going to AP Chemistry. It didn't even bother me that it was Chem. (You see, guys? Love spreads love...it's a beautiful thing.) But then Chem ends and NOW I can tell you about AP English.

I practically run to eng because I want to talk to Mary, and Obi tries talking to me about someone but I'm so not caring about them anymore. That seems kind of cold, but hey...I'm not interested in people who won't bother with me, even after I've put an effort forward...so I've given up. There's nothing else to do. I don't have the energy for it. Obi is too cute, anyway, and talks to Mary about her husband. That was funny. I heart Obi. Anyway, the bell rings, and Obi is trying to get us to sit down. We do prayer, and then he announces that our discussion from yesterday will continue. (Yesterday we talked about racism and the like.) After a few minutes, I decide that my recent experience is useful in proving a point I want to make, and so I tell the class. I couldn't look anyone in the eye, because I was so unsure, but once I started, it was impossible to stop. Some of the people already knew anyway. So I tell the class, and (this is why I love that class) everyone mutters so bad things about the person and Sara P goes, "Isn't that terrible??" This is exactly what I wanted to hear. Not indifference (and obviously not approval). I don't know what I would have done if the class was indifferent. I can tell you I wouldn't have stayed in the room, though. Indifference is the same thing as agreement in situations like this...as far as I can tell, anyway. And the discussion continues, and it's very good, and other people tell stories, and it's all so open and a "no holds barred" kind of discussion. It was beautiful. Some stories were so alarming though, I really find I have no tolerence for outspoken hate. And the quote of the day is from Elise P. She was talking about this article in the paper about the Anti-homosexual marriages rally held yesterday. The article quoted a woman as saying, "The Station Fire happened because of homosexuals..."

She said that and my mind went blank. The verbal responses people began to give, I've blocked out. Or maybe I never heard them to begin with. I thought I was going to be sick. Right there. It was like someone punched me in the stomach. I didn't cry, but hot damn I was close. I don't think I can convey how disgusted I was. That someone would think that. That someone would say that. That someone would use my friend's death as a scapegoat for blaming people for something that they should not be blamed for. I was so overcome with a flood of emotions. That kind of hate makes me so sad that I still am getting emotional as I write this, many hours later. Looking back, I'm even more grateful for the pick me up beforehand, because...oh my goodness. I would have been a freakin mess. In the least pretty way possible. People came up to me afterwards, and were like, "The bottom of my stomach dropped out for you when she said that and when I saw your reaction..." I wish I had been able to control my reaction, but I honestly couldn't have. I usually can...I hate showing that kind level of emotion in front of people...anyone, really...but especially a class...but not then. Not today.

How can people hate so completely? Yes, I feel indignation towards those kind of sentiments, but more than that, it makes me sad. Not angry...it's above anger. It's above any kind of anger or hatred that I could ever feel. I feel so fully a deep sorrow for that person who feels that way. So strongly, in fact, I end up in pain. A knot in my stomache forms and I can't express to you really how I feel. All I know is that I can positively say that I cannot hate that person back for the things they say and do. I do not hate that woman. That woman who had the audacity to say that...I can't. I see it as: she's hogging all the hatred from me that could be directed towards her.


Ay, el mundo hoy...Que triste...que triste. Espero que la gente quien oide otro hombres por nada razon realistica, y no sera oidoso. Ay. Que muy triste. Quien yo le oido...yo no le comprendo nada. :(


Hmm...accent marks are missing, and the grammer is probably very bad, but hey...yo trata.


Anyway, I'm tired, and will just to go bed now. Or maybe after I plunk out a few things on my piano.

I love you all. Quite a lot. Good night.
(*sings* Until we meet again/ May G'd hold you/ G'd hold you/ In the palm of his hand...")
And that reminds me:

P.S. Happy St. Patrick's Day!

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"beware the ides of march." [15 Mar 2004|09:44pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]
[ music | Roll To Me ~ Del Amitri ]

^That's wrong on so many levels. And by "wrong" I mean freakily connected to my life. I hate that crap.

I cannot focus, it seems. I keep starting and stopping all this homework that I have to do. And there is a LOT. Blah. A good portion of it is writing things on the computer. Which sucks because this way I can get more easily distracted (as you are witnessing), and also it means I HAVE so stay here and type. I don't really like typing unless I'm doing one of these things or doing something I want to be doing. Like talking to people online. But you know, I also was thinking about a few things today...
One I thought of while I was in the car this morning on the way to school. I was thinking about the movie Femme Fatale. The movie itself is pretty bad, but there's this plot twist at the end of it, and it's that none of the movie really happens. After the main character gets killed, it flashed back to where it all started...before it all started. After that, the main character changes the one decision that led a domino effect, eventually bringing about her death. And this got me thinking: What if you could see the effect one decision would have on your life? I mean, our lives would be...boring, I think. Do you remember those books from elementry school in which you got to chose the story line of the book? For example, it'd say, "...and now you discover a cave. Do you venture inside (turn to page 54), or keep looking for the way out (turn to page 91)?" or something like that. Do you remember those books? I always chose the choice that sounded the most interesting, most adventurous. But those choices always ended those books so quickly, because those were always the choices that ended up with me dead. I was so bored with those books. Knowing what comes next takes away the option of spontanaeity...Plus, what's the use in living if you know what each decision would mean for you?
There's always this sense of mystery that I love about life. Why do things turn out the way they do? How is our getting hurt justified? Because it opens up new opportunities...as I'm finding out now. There's always a silver lining. Always. And I just found mine...I just found mine. (p.s. Mary...I'm so mad at you!! meeeh...:P ) Because of this new discovery/ epiphany, I realize that, in the end, life is fair. I now believe in karma. I really do. It's a comforting belief, too. I'm not going to stop trying to be the best person I can be, because I know that if I do something wrong, it will come back and bite me in the ass. And when other people are wrongfully mean or unjust to me, and it's totally out of my control...I can be zen about it. I know that maybe not now, but eventually it will come back to bite them in the ass. Hmmm...and you know...I don't like thinking badly of people. I hate it, actually...it makes me feel like a bad person. And the cure to that is just that sometimes you just have to let it go. Let everything go. Let go of the grudges. Of the animosity. Of the awkwardness. Of the drama. Figure out how to appreciate yourself. Appreciate the people that so obviously care about you. Appreciate all the things you have. I guarantee you that the things in this life that matter are beautiful. Just like all of you.
Mom and I were talking the other day about her job, and she's thinking about how she is going to have to leave soon. She knows that her time is limited, whether she gets fired tomorrow, or resigns in a few months, there is now a definite time limit on how long she will be there. When talking about this, she said something so beautiful and interesting...
"Now that I know that in a few months I won't be able to do more to help the people I've been trying to help, and accomplish the things I've been trying to accomplish, I've been taking more risks. I've been asking people for more, and sooner. I haven't been taking 'no' for an answer, and I've been telling [those people] when the things they ask me to do are inappropriate and unnecessary at the moment. I have also been telling people that I care about them more. People who have been so good to me, and helpful...I haven't ever really thought it appropriate before, but now I've been wishing that I've done all of this from the beginning."
It's a complete shame when people get taken for granted, when opportunities are misused or disregarded as unimportant...Carpe Diem, guys...at the same time, though, I know sometimes we have to think about the long run, but wouldn't it be great to stop and smell the flowers once in a while. I haven't heard that phrase in a long time..."stop and smell the flowers." What a beautiful thing. Stop and smell the flowers. Stop. Calm down. Breathe deeply. Enjoy the moment. Even if it's only for a few minutes everyday, stop and smell the flowers and just Let It Go. It's a good bet you'll feel refreshed.

Plus, it's only a four day week this week. Happy happy. :)

The second thing I was thinking about was something said in Religion class today. Mr. Schnell was talking about genocide and injustice that goes unnoticed in the world...Then he said that the movie Bowling for Columbine was a look into "genocide" within the United States. Now, on a basic level, I think the crimes that happen in the United States that are talked of in that movie don't really count as genocides, per say...but for the sake of this next thing I'm thinking about, let's say they are. If you've ever seen this movie, you'll know that a big idea that's focused on is "Why In America?"...Why are guns so popular, why do people tend to kill each other more in North America? Hello, you closed minded director!! You forgot to mention that in Africa there was a genocide in 1994. You forgot to mention that in the Czech Republic there are still horrific tales and examples of genocide...continuing today! You forgot to look into places that I can't remember, but hey! They've had horrific RECENT tales of killing. Now...did you mean to leave that information out? Did you mean to pretend it wasn't there for your own purposes? You could argue, I guess that Michael Moore was trying to focus on America, and it's gun problem...but at the same time, he asks Canadians, and Americans what makes America so different. Why are Americans killing each other so regularly? We are not to the point of genocide. The people of Rwanda are. Mr. Moore did not focus on Rwanda. He blamed all the violence on guns. The people of Rwanda used Machetes. MACHETES. It wasn't because of the guns. It wasn't because of the "history of violence". (Because, I mean...using Moore's arguement of the back round comparison with Germany and all...) IT JUST GETS ME SO PISSED OFF WHEN PEOPLE THAT CLOSED MINDED ARE GIVEN THE POWER TO SHOW PEOPLE ONLY WHAT THEY WANT THEM TO SEE AND NOT BOTHER WITH BOTH SIDES. Do you realize there are people now who have watched this movie and have thought to themselves, "Oh. He MUST be right. There's no way there is evidence against what he claims to be true. Why do I think this? Because I saw it with my own eyes...In a movie...The Michael Moore made." People don't question, because they don't know. People don't ask, because they don't know enough to. People assume they don't need to see any other side of the story after seeing this movie, because honestly, if I didn't know better, I wouldn't think there WAS another side. Moore manipulates EVERY DAMN SECOND of that movie. It's pissing me off just thinking about all the ignorance I still find in the world. In people I know. In people who know me...
...I hope that was at least sort of articulate in trying to get my point across...
And...I'm still thinking about what happened the other day. It still scares me. I wish I didn't feel so intimidated by it. More, though, I wish that that kid had never said that...no...thought that. I wish I could figure out who he was. It almost seems ungenerous of me, but I want to nail that kid of bad. I wonder what the school would do to the kid. I'm almost scared to find out...what if they just gave him some reprimands and sent him on his merry way? It's not like they can change his mind...I wonder what they would do...*shiver* I can't believe I get so scared. But I guess it's just all the unknowns about this whole situation...Unknowns of this kind...it just makes me nervous...But I should stop dwelling on it.

On another happy note, though, I talked to Jeff for 5 hours yesterday. It was good. And rehearsals for La Mancha began today. Good times. Great times. I can't wait for tomorrow. It's a singing rehearsal. Eee. <3 Also, Will is another closet sweet-heart. I'm still thinking about how thoughtful he's been...especially recently, and I must say, I am more than super impressed and touched by it. Why did I never know Will was such a kick ass kid before now? Because I am a dope with blinders on that's why. I love when people surprise me. I love that so much. It makes everything happy.

Anyway. I love you. Ok. Bye.

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*sings* unforgettable...in every way... [14 Mar 2004|01:20am]
[ mood | content ]
[ music | Goodnight Kiss ~ Dream Theater ]

Ok. So. I have a list of things I want to talk about here...be prepared for a SUUPER lengthy entry...(sorry!!)

Item 1: The Girls "Nite" = so super fun.

Mary was the first one over. She came about 7:30 ish. It was great, because she and I hadn't had time to just talk recently, and so she could tell me about everything she's been stressed about, and it was wonderful. Just to sit and listen to her, and try and give her advice. We haven't done that since her birthday last summer. I was so happy. And we listened to Silverchair and to Destiny's Child (...yeah? And what, bitches?). Then Sarah calls and says, "So Katy and I will be there at 9 or so." She and I had a funny conversation about Sarah and how I thought it was best for her not to wear pants because that way she would get hit on more when we went out. And we both knew I was right. So anyway, it gave me and Mary more time to hang out and be girly and catch up and stuff, so that was cool.
Sarah and Katy called when they were outside, and Mary and I went down to meet them so we could go pick up movies and pizza and donuts. Why donuts? When I asked Sarah and Katy, they looked at me as if I had three eyes and were like, "Because they're donuts." Obviously, Becka...I mean, I can be so dense sometimes...silly me :)
I call to order the pizza so it's ready for when we're done getting the donuts and the movies. When the guy asks for the name it will be under, I say "Mary St. Jean" because I was calling on Mary's phone and it didn't really matter what name, so the guy repeats the name, as any normal person would to affirm it, but he just says, "James." And I was like, eh...okay, so I end the conversation and hang up. So now...everyone, call Mary "James" because that's her new name. "Jimmy St. Jean" as Sarah called her. Good times. And driving around was so so fun. Oh man. I freaked Katy out so many times. And we blasted good music. And Sarah does crazy shit when she's driving. It's all very safe, obviously, because it's Sarah and she's responsible like that...but it was so super fun all the same. Every minute was fun, so it's useless to try and do a "play-by play" commentary on the car ride. Such good times, guys. Yeah, so...we got the movies and the donuts and as we're waiting to pick up the pizza, and Mary cell phone rings and I pick it up and it's Mike Mc...something. The senior who does all the plays. He's a cool guy. He and I talk from a few minutes, but I hand the phone over to Mary but then the rest of us are all being obnoxious and all "Come back to beeed...pass the pot....pass the boooooze!" Haha, we were so bad and loud and in a small pizza hut. Goodness, we were so bad. Mike ends up talking to all of us in turn because...it just happened that way. We finally get the pizza, and we get back in the car, and Sarah's like "I need milk." So as I'm trying to tell her how to get to Cumberland Farms, Mary decides Sarah should talk to Mike. Then Mary and I made...noises...heh heh heh...in the background. It made Katy nervous...that was funny. We eventually made our way to Cumberland Farms, though, and Sarah and I hop out of the car to get milk, leaving Mary and Katy in the car to keep talking to Mike and to eat a donut. We FINALLY get back to mom's apartment, chow down the pizza, and all that good stuff, then go into the kitchen to talk. Yeah...we didn't eat the pizza in the kitchen...oh no...we went into the kitchen AFTER we were all done eating...
Once there, Katy reminds me that she never got the story...not even a decent portion of the story. (Story of what, you may ask. If you do ask, I laugh in yo' face, foo'.) So I recount the ENTIRE story. The ENTIRE story. And actually, Sarah made a comment before I began that kind of offended me. And I'm sorry, babe, but that really was uncalled for. You know me better than that. I was disappointed you felt you needed to say...*is not happy*. But moving on...
So I tell the whole story, and then Katy is happy. And thinking about it, I don't think Sarah or Mary ever got to hear the story in its entirety (sp?) either, so it was good all around. After I'm done though, Katy asked me to tell the story about the "best compliment I ever recieved" and what it was and stuff, and I tell the story and then Mary said something that is now in my head forever, or at least a month, and grr on you, Mary! I'm going to be so mad at you if you're right!!!...Or am I? Eh, well...okay, so anyway...by this time, it's about midnight, and no one else has called or shown up, and I'm like "eh whatev'." But then Katie calls to say she's impossibly lost. I direct her to the apartment (though she made it difficult with her habit of thinking left was right and right was left...) and when she finally got here, she seemed so relieved. Man...we all needed that night, I'm so glad it could happen at all. We all settle down and change into our pajamas and sit around and talk. Oh man, it felt so good to talk about openly some stuff I have wanted to just talk about. Oh my God, it was so good. It was so nice to be able to identify with someone about it. Because ever since that time, I've felt like such a whore, but it wasn't my fault because...well...it wasn't my fault. And knowing that someone can be like, "yeah some asshole did that to me, too." We can talk about how dumb we were and how we know better now, so that shit like that doesn't happen again. Ah, I know I'm going off on a tangent, but it seems like that stuff happened so long ago, but at the same time, it still hurts like it was yesterday...sooo dumb, I know...but that's unfortunately the way somethings work. In any case, it was great to talk with all of them and it's going to have to happen again...and in the near, near future. No joke, guys. I was talking to Annie eariler, and she needs a night like that and SOON. Sometimes, you just have to hang out with your friends who are of the same species (and by species, I mean gender...same difference...). And where else can you absolutely trust that the things and the names and all of it are going to stay in the room? No where else I've found...
Around 1:30 am, we decide to start watching Mona Lisa Smile. About 20 minutes into it, I notice that Katie's asleep on the floor, Mary and Sarah are dozing on the couch, and Katy is falling asleep on me while she and I were snuggled in that club chair. I decide to get up and clean up a little in the kitchen, and thankfully Katy comes to help me. I appreciated that. It made it easier to do. :) We finish straightening up, and then Katy goes to sit back down, and I decide to try and get people to bed, so we don't all fall asleep the way we were settled. This time, Sarah gets up to help me figure out who will sleep where and what sheets I need to get and set up and what not. I wake up Mary (not an easy task...she's a heavy sleeper!!) and I move her so I can put sheets down on the couch, and I tell her to lay back down and she's goes back to sleep. Then I try to wake up Katie. Now, Katie is a heavier sleeper than Mary, apparently, because it takes even LONGER to wake her up (I felt so bad waking both of them up...but I didn't want them uncomfortable! Besides, sleeping on the floor just isn't all that comfortable...). I finally get her awake enough to help guide her to the small bed in my room and she falls back asleep pretty much right away. Lucky girl. I get Katy settled in the club chair, and Sarah and I decide to share the big bed in my room. We all go to sleep and it's happy happy...I was so exhausted...It had been a long week and long night...

Item 2: Saturday morning; 9 am til 12:00 or so am (a.k.a. The Morning After)

I wake up a few hours later, and I see it's just about 9 am. Laura said she'd be by around then so she could say good bye to me and mom (she flew back to school early today...:( ). By the time she comes by, we're all pretty much awake, and so I say good bye to her and return to land of sleepy girls. We finish watching the movie and eat a yummy breakfast. By then it's just after 11, and Katie leaves to get home in time, and I take a quick quick shower. I had just gotten out of the shower, when mom knocks on the door saying that Mary has to leave, so I run out of the bathroom and kiss her and say bye and then get dressed...I was so super cold during that transition period. I hate being cold. Then Marshall got here, and I let him in to wait while Katy and Sarah get all their stuff together. Then the four of us leave to go drop Katy off at home. It was so nice out so Sarah opened the sun roof and cranked up the music. I was lovin it.

Item 3: The Trinity FINALLY hangs out, after numerous failed attempts.

So Katy's home safe and I got shot-gun and we went driving around Roger Williams Park because I had just a little more than an hour with them, unfortunately. Then Marshall spots a playground. So Sarah parks the car, and we go to the playground. Yep, the playground we go to is meant for kids from ages 2 to 5...and yes, two 16 year olds and a 17 year old played in the playground. It was so much fun!!! We made such asses of ourselves, and I'm pretty sure every adult thought we were high or on crack...or both. It was hysterical. We didn't care, though...It was just so much fun. But then I had to go. :( After some booing and hissing on their part, they let me go, and drop me off at the apartment and went on their merry way.

Item 4: Remeeting and old friend...!

As planned, I meet Alex on Thayer Street at 2, but, as always, I'm a little late, so she's already there. Sorry, babe :) She hadn't been waiting for long, fortunately, and we're both hungry so we head to Johnny Rocket's, but the place was completely packed, so we went to Spike's. It was a good choice. They have awesomely yummy food. We chatted for a few minutes there, and I got to hear all about her planning for prom (that's in like, 3 weeks!!! Jesus!!). She and her friends are going to rent an RV. How cool is that!??!? I also got to hear her summary of all the Nicks (THERE HAVE BEEN FOUR OF THEM!!! Good grief!)...but anyway, we laughed about that, and then we went to some record stores, and Urban Outfitters where I saw Dan L.(ooh a love of my life!), and we went to Zaza's Petals, Foreign Affair, CJ's closet, Pie in the Sky...all over Thayer...it was super fun! Oh! and we went to Details, where I got new knee socks. They are so awesome!! And Alex got hott tights and these awesome fake pearls...they look awesome on her. And by 'awesome' I mean 'cute beyond belief'. I also got another Cake cd...I'm so addicted to music!!! But after all this walking and hanging out and shopping, Alex had to skedattle, so we said good bye for the time being. Alex is too cool, guys. Too cool.

Item 5: Hanging out with The Oracle

In case your name isn't Lizzy, Ben, Aaron, or Laura...The Oracle would be my mother. She's The Oracle because I swear to God that she knows everything. Sometimes it's just plain scarey. Anyway, she comes to pick me up from being on Thayer, and as I get in the car, she asks me if there was anything that I wanted to get while we were there, so I say yes. Mainly because I wanted to show her the store Foreign Affairs. We end up going to Urban Outfitters and I get the Poison shirt (eee!...ps the band Poison, not the chemical) and two other shirts and suuuper cute school shoes. Then we got coffee and chai (I got the chai) at Starbucks because it was getting cold and dark outside, and we wanted to warm up. And while mom's trying to pay for the drinks, the guy working there (the cashier we were ordering from hits on me! It was so bad...I was like...dude...grooooossssssssss. But I got a good chuckle out of that. Sitting there, drinking warm yummy caffinated stuff was good because it gave us a chance to talk. I feel so badly for my mother. She's having such a bitch of a time at work, and I just feel terrible. Ugh. My poor mother!!
After the Starbucks stop, she decides that we need to go bra shopping. I loathe bra shopping. But she was insistant, so...we went bra shopping. Fast forward through drive-by dress shopping (junior prom it's going to be a red dress. no question about it. red red red...end of story) and painful bra shopping (the only good thing was I ended up getting a wicked sexy one...rowr.), and you've got me back at the apartment, here, typing this thing out.

Well...sorry this was so long, I guess my last night and today were full full full. But it was awesome fun. Oh man...how is it already 1:15 am??? Maybe I should go to bed...ya think?
Ok, well...yeah, so...yup. And this song by Dream Theater that I'm listening to is growing on me. Seriously, I am such a romantic...A "sap" as some would say...Still others may call it "pathetic". Anyway you name it, I won't change. So there. :) Hope I didnt type all this stuff out for no reason, and I hope you enjoyed my retelling you my day...Sometimes I just HAVE to be superficial...or else I could never be introspective and thoughtful...:) Good thing I don't have temple tomorrow. (That's also kind of sad...)

Good night loves.

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"genocide, genocide, genocide...cheese sandwich, cheese sandwich, cheese sandwich." [11 Mar 2004|10:47pm]
[ mood | geeky ]
[ music | Dream Theater ]

^Will burned me this Dream Theater cd (well...it's 2 cds...) and uh, can you say "So good!"? I knew you could. Now go and listen to some of this music, kids. It's quality stuff.

So today was one of those days that makes me realize just how lucky I am. I am so lucky that I have so many people that really true care about my well-being. And not just physical. My mental state, too. People stand up for me, and are willing to in the future...even when I don't really want to stand up for myself. And I know that they will always do that...(as long as it's the other person in the wrong...as I would expect them to do) It's just cool. And nice. And comforting.

And happy stuff I want to tell you: Ok so...today during chorus Mrs. Fontes has Sarah C, Jeff (?), and me do the 3 solos for Imagine (yes, the one by John Lennon)...but we were just standing in for the real people who are going to perform on Friday the 19th...and that's a pretty song, so I was like "Cool...cool." Then, right after we start in with "All That Jazz" and when I was singing the first solo I got to use my belt voice and as soon as I sang the first note, Mrs. Fontes was visibly taken aback...and I couldn't really tell why (I mean...I couldn't have sounded THAT bad...I could hear myself...I was on key and stuff...), but then after that song was done, Amy comes in and was like "Becka, I could hear in the stairwell coming while I was still near the third floor." Now, we're in the chorus room...you know, that whole in the wall place that has no windows no air no nothin, and she heard me from the top floor, while in the stair well. That certainly made me happy. So it wasn't that I was bad...I was loud. And I couldn't care less about being too loud when singing. You're supposed to make noise! Oh that made me happy. Then I spent the rest of the time sitting with Jeff as everyone learned that cult music for "Mrs. Font Bon". I'm not sure what that poor lady's name really is...but I know that someone will call her "Font Bon" when in Boston. That's going to be so bad...hahah. But Jon W was like "You temptress...You've taken our only tenor!" And he's not lying. Jeff is seriously the only tenor in the class. So sad. Good thing he's awesome.

Jeff's such a nice person. He makes me smile. But as he says, it's not hard to make me smile. I was thinking about it...I'm not that hard of a person to make smile...it's weird, and sad, and true. The tiniest, goofiest things make me smile. Like mild weather and sunshine. Warm rain in the summer. Getting to dance in the summer rain. Spending time with friends. The feel of sand between my toes while at the beach. All sorts of music makes me happy. Singing makes me happy. Singing loudly makes me the happiest (I don't like 'toning it down' too much...). Notes from friends make me happy. Random smiles can make me smile. People crossing their eyes throws me into hysterics...don't ask me why...Goofy voice, funny grins, burps, giggles, obnoxious noises (like the 'Walrus Orgasm'). Spending quality, 'running into doors' time with Amy. Rachel makes me laugh. Liz makes me laugh. Combine the two and I usually want to "pee myself" as Ames would say. Madeleine and my (old) english classes together. People in general usually can make me happy...Memories of ACT and other old plays, memories of various things, to be more general (because usually people are specific THEN general when listing things...)...as you can tell, the list is long, and I could keep going and going...like an energizer bunny. But I'll stop there. Because I have to do my AP Chem hw still...but, you know what? I. Don't. Care. It's the only thing left to do tonight, and there's so much that I would need to do, and we just had the test today (I failed like w00t!!!...and no, that's NOT a good thing...) and so I'm SOOO totally done with this chapter. You know that in that class we go through about a chapter a week? We're already on chapter 12, isn't that gross? But...knowing that I've stuck it out and not given up completely yet makes me smile. Hey, there's always a silver lining, people. Don't ever let DepressedBeckas tell you otherwise. :) Okay?

Otay, panky.

Maybe I'll just go to bed now. Haha. Yeah sleep sounds pretty damn good. :)

I can't wait to tell y'all about my shinanigans that have yet to happen tomorrow night. ("Naked Girl Make-Out Party!!" yeah Rach...you know. w00t w00t.)

I think I made a bazillion spelling and grammer mistakes in this entry. But you can figure out what I was trying to say, right? You're smart people. And I'm lazy...so...this is the way it's going to be. :) Good night, my lovelies.

OH AND! I taught myself how to play the piano. And I can read music (kinda more than I could before-ish) and I'm so proud of myself!!! Can you believe BECKA TAUGHT HERSELF SOMETHING SUCCESSFULLY!?!?!

Nah, neither can I. Good thing it's true. :)

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"Oooh! I want to go home with you!" ---"Fontes-y-wonzee-poo" [10 Mar 2004|06:22pm]
[ mood | dorky ]
[ music | Other Side ~ Red Hot Chili Peppers ]

I think it's time to write for me. To write for the fun of it. Today was pretty bad at some points, but today Jeff claimed the award for Best Compliment Ever Said To Becka. It was so super. AAh. And then Laura and I went to a movie. It was a bad movie, but it was fun to see with her. And it was fun to spend the time with her.

But AHH! Marshall just told me some more good news! Weee! YAY! Finally, Marshall! How many years has it been since this begun?? This is good. I hope that it works out, boi. Because that'd be AWEsome. Even if it's only for a little while. *siiiiiiiigh* I feel like this happened to me. Except I get none of the benefits. Dammit. Oh well.

And oh my goodness. It's happened AGAIN!!

Thunderbirdbecka (5:25:58 PM): oh my goodness
Thunderbirdbecka (5:26:00 PM): marshall
MarshallMosis (5:26:04 PM): yes? lol
Thunderbirdbecka (5:26:05 PM): it's happened again!
MarshallMosis (5:26:09 PM): omg!
MarshallMosis (5:26:10 PM): it has!
MarshallMosis (5:26:11 PM): lol
MarshallMosis (5:26:15 PM): ahh!
Thunderbirdbecka (5:26:21 PM): you know that i'm talking about right?
MarshallMosis (5:26:23 PM): yes!
MarshallMosis (5:26:24 PM): the seesaw!
Thunderbirdbecka (5:26:25 PM): AH!
MarshallMosis (5:26:27 PM): that's so nuts!
Thunderbirdbecka (5:26:32 PM): telepathic!!!
Thunderbirdbecka (5:26:34 PM): ah!
MarshallMosis (5:26:35 PM): that's so crazy!
MarshallMosis (5:26:41 PM): how does that always manage to happen?

lol, I don't know, Marshall, I don't know...This is crazy. Here, I'll explain: Marshall and I have this incredibly weird thing where if something good happens to him, it's usually when something bad has just happened to me. And vice versa. For example, we've never really maintained good relationships at the same time. That's the biggest thing, actually. It's hysterical. Like, he and his girlfriend will break up, and I'm just starting a new and good relationship with someone. And then me and mine will part ways and then someone new comes into his life. It's CRAZY! And so funny. I love this friendship I have with him. He's definitely one of my best friends. We complain to each other about everything. It's so awesome. And we can hang out like it's nothin'. It's just so awesome. And I'm so excited about this new thing for him, because even though he can't see it, I've been telling him (quite forcefully!!) that this is good stuff.
Relationships in High School don't really (obviously) end in marriage (and if they do...it's just weird). If this is the case, why not have fun? Now some of you may be thinking, "Ok...Becka said 'fun'...she must mean we should be whores and quite loose in our sexuality." No, dear readers, no. I mean that if you like someone it's all fun and good to be infatuated and be involved and whatnot, but, at the same time, don't think about your relationship as a never ending thing. Of course there's always going to be a time limit. Obviously there is going to be some restriction on the relationship, even if the two people involved are like, just 'soooooo in like, love.' I mean, even if you're not planning the end (and if you are, why the hell are you in that relationship!?) it's still the same principle. But what I'm trying to get at is that you should be having fun. You all know this, right? If you're not having fun it's no good. And I don't mean that at the first sign of trouble you drop everything and run...but you guys can judge what worth trying to to work out and what's not. I mean...does the good outweigh the bad? Yes? Then it might be a good idea to stick it out. But I have a feeling it changes with every individual.

Oh my goodness. I cannot wait for Friday. And I cannot wait for the 20th. I just can't wait to hang out with some girls. I mean, guys are great and all, but I'm a girl and it's good to just hang out with friends. I can't wait for another trip to Uno's, either. And this will be the first time we can go with Sarah. PLUS! She can drive. Sweet? I THINK SO!!! It's going to be so awesome!

*sigh* I heart boys when they're not driving me crazy. It's funny because I'm so fickle. I'm not going to lie. If I'm not with one person, I'm insane. The rule is: if you drive me crazy, you drive me away. I was talking with Mary about it all today, and she was like, "I reveled in my being single." Yeah...for the month and, what was it...4 day? Haha. Yeah, but really...whatever. It's all the same right now. Seriously, I'm not taking anything boy related seriously and I don't want to. Because thinking too much is no good. It's icky, as some may say. Heh, there's something else I wanted to say, but then I remembered where honesty can turn sour...SO ANYWAY!

AND SARAH L INFORMED ME OF A SOMETHING CORPORATE/ YELLOW CARD CONCERT THAT'S COMING!!!! AAAH! She and I are going. End.

And Chorus was so fun today! I got to belt that "All That Jazz" thing again. I heart singing like WOAH. Oh, and Dave with that solo. Hot? I think so! He's a fun kid. And he made fun of me today because I can't speak good english. Two claps for me and my bad speaking skills. BUT! I won the triple speak again on Monday at the debate meeting. My last meeting for a while...*tear*! But it was funny because I talked about something serious, and they were all like, "I want to cry now, thank you!" And I was like, "Hey, dudes, feel my pain." But I sucessfully used "rastafaharian"...I was proud of myself. Afterwards, I got to have a nice chat with Mr. Keefe. And he told me some disturbing stuff. It made me sad. I mean, I don't really like that kid, but still...that EVEN MORE people stand up for stereo-types and anti-Semitism makes me so sad. And uncomfortable...And then...let's see...

Oh.

I should give more explanation of that last entry...Um...Let's see. This kid said something bad and that was bad and I don't want to say anything about it. Why? Because I'm so sick of whining. So I'm not going to. What's more, in life, who would I complain to? "Mr. Officer...that person called me a 'kike'..." What would they do? Laugh at the silly Jewish girl. That's what would happen. So yeah. Whatever. Another thing to go into the memory fault.

*shrug*

And, on a different note, I'm sorry that I had to lose a friend as well, dude. Just thought you should know that I'm sad about that. But maybe it will get better again. Maybe. I hope so. (p.s. ...there are guidelines to conversations, look them over, dude...)

haha, was that too forward? I could not care less. :D

Have a great night, guys!

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guitar solos have no words to express them, making them so beautiful [09 Mar 2004|04:49pm]
[ mood | cold ]
[ music | Love Song ~ 311 ]

I feel as if something should be said about it. I want to stand up on a chair and scream...just to get people's attention. Isn't there something anyone can do? Is it that I just have to take it? What decent person uses that word?
We tried telling the heirarchy before. And look what happens. Nothing. That's what happens. How do I know that nothing was done? Because I get the same treatment. The same words thrown at me. You would think that people would know better. You think that people would listen. I guess not. I guess not.
But I guess it's okay. In the end, it's okay...yeah. Whatever. Let it roll off my back. Let me turn the other cheek. Yes, I am a bigger person than they are. I can be a better person.
And also, there's been this feeling around me...I can never let my guard down. It's like even the seemingly harmless comments I take to heart. I'm just so tired of this. I'm exhausted from trying to defend myself and my religion. Why can't people forget about stereo-types and hatred? Why can't people love other people for what's inside and not make pre-judgements? I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of not being able to feel safe joking anymore. I joke around, sure, but one step too many, and it's not funny anymore. Why am I so defensive, you ask? Because I feel cornered with no other plausible choice, that's why. But maybe I'm just being the 'new and too serious' version of Becka 2.1...


Anyway, these past few days have been spent in a daze. I've forgotten so many things that I've had to do...they've all just slipped my mind, because I don't have any reminders...And things keep happening. Life keeps happening. And I think I'm living it, but then the moment passes and it's like, "did something just happen? did an opportunity just pass me by?"
I haven't been a very good friend, recently. I'm sorry about that. You guys deserve the effort you put in, and I just haven't put in any effort...and that's not cool. I'm sorry.

I was reading a trashy magazine (could it have been...Cosmo!?!) yesterday and I was reading something in it about guys and what they mean when they say stuff and do stuff. My first reaction was, "Holy shit that's dumb!" But then I read one sentence, and was like..."I think that makes sense..." And then after I realized that it could have made sense, I stopped reading the magazine. Because I should never take anything in those magazines seriously. It made me nervous, to be frank.


And also, I am very dissapointed in everyone reading this who is not named Caitlin. Because she's the only person to respond to my last post. I know people read this thing...but, oh well. It doesn't really matter.

The weather is gray and cold, and so I feel cold and dull. Yay.

P.S. I don't care enough to read this over. Bite me.


P.P.S. I think I only regret that things turned out this way...

2 comments|post comment

[07 Mar 2004|10:28pm]
Respond:

Religion is contentious.

Why do you agree? Why do you not agree?

Ready go.
2 comments|post comment

why am i doing this? [07 Mar 2004|10:22pm]
[ mood | angry ]
[ music | Forgotten Bliss ~ Shryne ]

On Friday I finally found the Shryne CD, guys! I got home and played it...and I was so surprised. I had forgotten what his voice sounded like. I mean, I had some recollection in my memory, but it sounds so different on CD. The CD is amazing. The lyrics, the music itself...all so awesome. They were going to be famous. And you all would have gotten to hear them, and I could have been like, "Yeah, I knew him when he was that awkward kid who dropped his pants on stage...yeah, I knew him."
Anyway, the point is that I finally got my hands on an orginal copy, and that is happy. And their music is good. Bonus. Yay. I also got a mixed CD from my darling Chloe who put "Maps" on it. I am obsessed with that song...seriously...it's infectious. And I rediscovered the soundtracks to Pretty Woman and Sliver. Hoorah for really good 80's music. This weekend has been a very good weekend for music and me. I guess we were meant to be.
And Laura came home Friday. That's awesome. And Lizzy was with her. I like Lizzy, she's an awesome person and a great friend to Laura. She's like Laura's Sarah...only shorter than me, and not a Sarah...but yeah she's awesome. And yeah so that's good. Then Saturday. Saturday needs its own paragraph.
What can I really say about Saturday? Saturday Lisby and I ventured over to St. Mary's cemetery to find Nick's grave. Who should be able to say that? No one. Absolutely NO ONE. Ok, I'm done with that part of the day...so then we go back to my mom's apartment and we hang out for a while and then Chloe comes over and we chill out some more and then we all go to The Vagina Monologues. It was awesome. It really was. It was just so good. I'm so proud of everyone who stuck it through. I am just so proud and happy for them. I brought flowers for Loretta. Why? Because she's an awesomely strong person for putting up with all that crap, and still seeing it through. Two claps for not giving up. Then Chloe came back to the apartment and hung out more. She went home around 11:30 pm. Chloe is an awesome awesome girl. Lisby's not too shabby, either. :)
And Sunday. I made humantashen. And that was good. They're yummy. And then the girls a cappella sang for the academic decathalon. We sucked. End. Oh well.


...Then I found my hat...


There was something interesting that I wanted to write, but I can't...I'm in too much of a funky mood to sit here and type. I want to...nevermind...speaking my actual mind has never worked out well for me. So I'll stop when I'm obviously behind, so I don't lose out more...and I'm still typing...I'm such a dumbass.




ugh. end.

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everyone has a secret, oh, but can they keep it? oh no... [04 Mar 2004|08:03pm]
[ mood | indifferent ]
[ music | Through With You ~ Maroon 5 ]

I was thinking about something someone had left as a comment on my journal a while ago and I decided I'd find the comment. And so I did. But it took me a while, and I read over some of my old entries.

God...do you remember when I used to like that guy who probably doesn't read my journal but I still won't say his name? And do you remember how mad I used to get at him because he would say things like, "She's pretty but really annoying,"? Haha, we still get into fights. And do you remember when I could afford being carefree? And do you remember when a fun time at Newport Creamery substituted an entry that is so simple yet still can make me smile? And...do you remember when he and I had the same thoughts at the same time? (And by "you" I mean "Becka"...I don't expect you (the readers) to remember things like that...! Silly readers...)

I have changed so much. He has changed so much. But I knew that. I knew it because I saw it. We changed each other. And others changed us. And other things impacted us. I guess I just never realized how much I've changed until I got to re-reading some of those entries.

But I wanted change. Right? This is what I wanted. Right? ...I couldn't have wanted this, though...I'm too serious too much of the time. Why would I have chosen this for myself? Laughing is a beautiful thing. So are smiles. So why would I have chosen less of them? I wouldn't have.

So what happened?

Maybe I tried too hard. Maybe I got caught up in something. Maybe I matured. Maybe an epiphany hit me, and I was scared. Maybe that epiphany makes me realize that if I could have, I would have lived forever in last summer. Especially in the beginning of last summer. I would have stopped time. I would live a day...any day...over and over. Like the movie Groundhog Day. I love that movie. A man lives that day over and over until he gets it right. If only. But if I lived my life like that, that summer still would have gone by almost as quickly because those days I lived well, and I lived with joy. The way people are truly meant to live. For each day. To use each day to the fullest.

So why aren't we using each day to its fullest potential?

Because that's an idealistic...ideal. It is. As much as I don't want to admit it, sometimes you just cannot look past the future's unknown and enjoy each day. It's too bad, and it's too sad. And it's corny that my last sentence rhymed...

Something is going through my body. A force. It's pushing me forward, towards the freedom that the summer promises. The warmer temperatures and the longer days. Everything that summer brings. I want it. I want it more than I can say. At the same time, though, this force is reining me in. Pulling me back. I don't want the seniors to graduate, I don't want to seriously have to think about college, I don't want to be a senior. I don't want this change. It makes me sick to think about the future. I can literally feel the pulling forward, reining back force in me. It's the oddest sensation. I can't say I like it. It's like vitrual reality with indecision. Strange and unwelcome.

*shrug*

Marshall came over this afternoon/ night. We walked to Cameron's Pharmacy and picked up my pictures I dropped off last Saturday. On the way there, Becky (the woman from his work) saw us walking and ran outside and was like "AND YOU DIDN'T STOP AND SAY HI!?!" I just laughed. He's going to get his balls busted next time he goes into work. I think next time I'll put my arm around him and swoon. Then he would REALLY never hear the end of it. :) Then we came back to my dad's and hung out. I seriously don't even know what we talked about...it's all so random that I couldn't really tell you any of the subject matter we talked about...haha, except this one name that kept coming up. Not on purpose, to add to it all. I had to laugh. (Marshall...you know you want her...so what if it's obvious that it won't last forever? Come on, boi. Life is about chances!!)
Anyway, chilling with Marshall was lots of fun. We should do that more often. Um yeah. Ok. Um. *shrug* End.

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tap on my window/ knock on my door/ i want to make you feel beautiful... [03 Mar 2004|09:21pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]
[ music | Faster ~ Third Eye Blind ]

Congradulations to my dearest Sarah for getting her licence today!!!! I'm so proud of her!!!
Also, Night Two of being home alone. It went pretty well...but then I decided instead of doing homework, I'll do a poster for spanish. And I used markers. And I'm Becka. So I have marker allllll over my hands and arms...and I got frustrated at one point and rubbed my face with my hands. Yup. What you just read is 100% true. Becka now has marker on her face. Not all over...but it kind of reminds me of war paint. *shrug* Life can be like that sometimes.
Another amusing occurance that happened today was in school. Katie D and I were holding hands while going to English because we're like that, and while going up the stairs, this teacher who doesn't know who either of us are shouts, "Hey! No PDA!!!" So the entire stairwell turns to look at us. Yep. Go lesbianism. Katie then decided she'd call me "lova" from now on...because that's what people think anyway...I don't think that be openly accepted at La Salle for some reason. It was awesome either way. I laughed a lot, and that was fun because it felt good to laugh that hard. And then Obi told me a story that horrified me...but it was funny too. Gotta love that crazy girl some call Shannon. :)
Oh and today I had a cappella and chorus and then chorus again afterschool. So lots of singing today. And! Jeff and Jon C and I are going to get to sing the 3 solos for the "Our Father" song for the thing in Boston...mmm yay...Jeff and Jon are so good. It makes me happy. And Jeff drove me home today after chorus. That was so nice of him. He lives in the opposite direction of me (in NP) and he drove me home. On the spur of the moment. Oh, that really made me happy :) Jeff just rocks my socks, man. He's such a nice kid. He's so sweet, too. He's a fun kid to talk to...which reminds me, I've got to research asma...asthma...? The thing where you can't breath well. However it's spelled.


...
Blah. Today is dad's birthday. Happy Birthday, Dad.


I suddenly don't feel like writing much anymore. Life is just sometimes like that. All I need is for La Mancha to start, and it will all be okay, because then I won't have the time/ energy to put towards trying to understand. All I need is for next Monday afternoon to come. All I need is to be busy. But...




Nevermind.


Marshall and I just made a plan to go for a walk if the weather's nice. That makes me happy, because Marshall gives good hugs. I like hugs that are good. :) Plus, he towers over me. So the hugs feel extra safe because it's Marshall, my big teddy bear. I can hardly believe I've known Marshall for...*counts*...about 9 years now. Amazing...A. Mazing.

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becka has ADD...but what's new about that...? [02 Mar 2004|09:02pm]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | Beautiful Disaster ~ 311 ]

Between tonight, tomorrow, and Thursday...being left to my own devices...I think I might hurt myself. Not on purpose, but I mean tonight I was cooking pasta (PASTA! PASTA for pete's sake!) and I burned myself 4 times. On my hand, my arm, and twice on my stomach. My stomach. Only I can burn myself cooking pasta on my stomach. TWICE! I'm such a doof. But yeah...tonight Dad's at an opera, tomorrow he's got a dance lesson (teeheeeheee), and thursday this woman he's dating asked him to go to an Alabama concert with her (rowr...eeeeewwwwww). So, I'm here. Alone. For three nights. If you have a means to get here, by all means, come and visit.
I was happy because I got to talk to Chloe this afternoon. That was happy because I hadn't talked to her since Friday afternoon, and even then the conversations were very brief. And I took the dog for a super long walk today because it was so awesomely nice outside. And, unless I am mistaken, after it was dark it was warmer than when the sun was setting. I stayed outside for a few minutes just taking in the warming weather...without a coat. And I wasn't cold! I was blissfully happy. I heart weather that is warm. Like wooooooooooooah. Times a million bazillion.
But ANYway, Amy and I had a super fun time today in chorus. I heart that class. I do. I really do. So much better than a free or whatever. We get credit for singing...you can't beat that. I don't care what anyone says. And the people that are in that class...oh they all make me happy. Talia, Amy, and I were talking about costumes for La Mancha and we were like, "Oh dude, our costumes are going to be awesomely whorish..." PLUS, they are being made specially for us! That is so awesome. And then Talia made some comment about my chest. Which almost always gets a mention in conversations...wow, that's kind of weird...but anyway...it was fun and Amanda re-named my "Attracting Boys" noise to my "Walrus Orgasm" noise. Which increases in attractiveness when Amy and I shake our butts. Obviously. Because that would make anything hotter. Who are we trying to fool here?
And Jeff. Ah, Jeff. Jeff sang TWO (count them TWO) solos today and he was loud, and so very very good. Hooray for Jeff!!! We all clapped for him when he finished each solo. He's so cute...after I saw the cast sheet for myself this morning I ran to the boys a cappella meeting and Jeff was the first person I saw there and he gave me a huuuuge hug and stepped on me (on accident!!) and was like "CONGRADULATIONS!!" Oooooh, that made me so happy. Will was there with me, though, when I first saw it. He just laughed at me because all I could do was pop up and down and squeak. Not jump, because "jump" conotes (ooooh yeah AP English) a continuous motion. Oh no. I popped. Little random bursts of energy. Yeah...Will got a chuckle out of that.
Oh! And I also got to tell Mr. Keefe, before I went to the chorus room, and Mr. Keefe informed me of his good news, too!!! Oh so it was a happy yesterday and today for both of us. More of just a happy today for me...but still...yay for us!!!! I had people congradulating me all day. Oh happy happy. Billy picked me up and swung me around when he saw me. I was so surprised. It was fun...like a ride...and Strawberry thinks I should see Passion of the Christ...hahaha, that was fun this morning...but, I think he...nah...I won't go there...but I definitely have my own opinions about the dynamic between him and you know...the cute one. But ooooh well. I didn't say anything because I am a good person some of the time. Lucky them I was feeling nice this morning. Though I did freak Katy out by teaching Strawberry the "I vant it haaaarrdeerrrr" thing. Oh man...he and John thought it was funny.
This morning was full of happy stuff. Oh man...my good karma is really helpin' me out here. Yay good karma!
Oh! And ha! Claudia came in late to spanish today and it was funny because I did the exact same thing yesterday and she came in the exact same way I did...it was amusing to see. I love that girl. Oh and Char showed me the picture of that guy with the lip ring...oh baby oh baby. If something doesn't happen between them you see a very disappointed Becka. And Sarah and I talked to Tim on the bus ride home. That was fun. Tim's a funny guy. And Sarah's...well...Sarah. Her awesome-ness radiates from her name itself. That's how cool she is.

Oh man...my Grandma called to say she was proud of me...hot damn news travels fast...my family is so ridiculous. They can be so awesome...SPEAKING OF WHICH!!! LAURA IS COMING HOME FRIDAY!!! EEEEEEE!!!!!! AH that makes me so happy! I miss her so damn much. Oh MAN. EEE and then I go down to Mississippi in April...!!!! Ahh, so much happy stuff. I swear to you...this weather is contageous. Whatever THAT means.

I being really random tonight. Sorry.

Hmm...dreams are funny things. I had a supererb dream last night. It. Was. Awesome. Char was there and Sarah was there and I think maybe it was Robby that drove us all around to different places and there were some other people there, too...and I know that Char...or was it Sarah...had a guy with them (I remember thinking that I didn't know him...so it might have been Char and the lip ring guy...) and it was just awesome. I woke up from it and was like "Please tell me that all really happened..." But alas, no, it didn't. But man I wish it did. If it did that would be so awesome. What is happening now paired up with the things that happened in the dream...if all those circumstances were real...you would see a 150% happy Becka. For serious, guys.
But I orginally said that dreams are funny, because for the past few months, the dreams I can remember have expressed some kind of subconscious fear or something...and for the first time in a while, this was a bonified good dream. I mean, the other dreams weren't bad, or scary, or anything...but just...not as fun as last night's dream. I wish I could really truly explain it to you. But, sadly, I cannot. Dreams aren't something anyone can accurately convey.

Damn! I am SO RANDOM tonight. Sorry again. I've been trying not to think too much about anything and that's a contributing factor to the randomness. Deep I cannot really do right now.

So I won't. And I'll stay happy. :D

This took exactly an hour to write/ complete. Neato. :)

I think I need to sleep more. Yeah...sleep is good.

Ok. Bye.

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