Becka's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar] Becka View: [ userinfo | blurty userinfo ] [ calendar | blurty calendar ]

What. The. Fuck. [05 Jan 2005|12:04am] [ mood | mad ] [ music | Love is only a Feeling ~ The Darkness ] I have a billion and one things to say, but for some reason I feel very scared someone is going to judge me and think badly of me. When the fuck did I get this way? I don't want to write about how I am feeling. I don't want to write about how I feel about other people. I don't want to write about shallow things. I don't want to write about deeper things. Fucking A. I need a cure for this "wuss" disease I have caught. Holy shit. It actually pisses me off. post comment

[01 Dec 2004|04:37pm] Wow. Blurty. I haven't posted in here in forever. Jesus. Okay, I'm done for now. post comment

[03 Jul 2004|03:57pm] Does anyone read this anymore? Comment if you do. I'd be interested to know. Because I mean...It'd be cool if no one read this anymore. Yet, it would also be very cool if people checked it still...either way, I have an idea for both. So comment. Thank you. 4 comments|post comment

[04 May 2004|07:41pm] Livejournal won. So...go there. www.livejournal.com/users/becka_roo1219 cut and paste. i'm too lazy and tired to make that a real link... post comment

I never meant to hurt you. [30 Apr 2004|08:17pm] [ mood | apathetic ] [ music | Glycerine (Acoustic) ~ Bush ] It was supposed to be different. He wasn't following the script. He wasn't supposed to be walking out the door. Not here, and certainly not now. I knew he was angry, but I wasn't sure why. I had meant to tell him all the things on my mind, but they wouldn't come. Sometimes, there are no words to describe what is truly on your mind. I winced as the door slammed closed. Maybe it was supposed to be this way. I was positive that he would never open that door again. I was positive he was actually going to leave this time. This, of course, had all happened before; him leaving, but then returning only after a few, short days. What was different this time, though, was that I did not know why he was so angry. I did not know his motivation for leaving. Before, it had been smaller things, trifles; things of little to no importance. Things so minuscule I don't even remember what they were. I'm sure he couldn't recall what they were, either, even a few hours after the fight had taken place. But this time had been very different. I began to pick up the pieces of glass that lay shattered on the floor. I was positive he hadn't meant to break the glasses. As I numbly tried to clean the floor, I felt a sharp pain in my right hand. I swore half-heartedly as I realized I had cut myself on a larger piece of one of the broken water glasses. I was fascinated by the lines the blood made on the glass, and I watched as the glass became tinted with red. I shook myself lightly out of the daze I had been caught up in, only to realize the blood was making the mess on the floor worse. I placed the pieces of glass in my hands into the kitchen sink, and made my way cautiously across the rest of the hazardous kitchen floor to the bathroom. I quickly washed my hand, and placed a band-aide gently over the cut. It wasn't a deep cut. It would heal. All external wounds do. It was then that I first looked into a mirror since he had left me to never come back. My bottom lip was swollen, I had forgotten that he had hit me. It didn't even hurt, and my lip had only bleed slightly. I hadn't been angry before, I had only felt a detached sense of disbelief. This, though, made me angry. I hadn't deserved it; I had done nothing wrong. He had been so irate, though, I doubt he even knew what he was doing. I was positive he hadn't meant to hurt me. Yet it still outraged me. If only I knew why he was so angry! I turned on the faucet, letting the cold water run for a few extra seconds as I tried to examine my lip closer in the mirror. It didn't look much different further away than it did up close, and the sight of it at all made me sick to my stomach. I let my hands catch some of the water, noticing my new band-aide come off in the water. I watched the band-aide get pushed from one side of the sink to the other from the force of the running water. I somehow felt a connection with the flailing band-aide, but soon realized what I was comparing myelf to, and proceeded to splash some of the water cupped in my hands onto my face. The cold water stung the open cut on my lip, making me catch my breath. It felt wonderful over the rest of my face, though. I let the water trickle down my neck, wetting the collar of my shirt. I splashed my face a few more times with the refreshing water; the stinging it cause the cut only made me feel alive. I groped for a towel with my eyes closed, and after finding it, patted my face slowly with it. When I opened my eyes, my tired reflection was staring back at me from the mirror. In that moment, I had never felt more alone. 3 comments|post comment

jigga whaaa???? [29 Apr 2004|09:43pm] [ mood | chipper ] [ music | Speak the Word ~ Tracy Chapman ] Post a memory of me in the comments. It can be anything you want. Then post this to your journal and see what people remember of you. this time, people, actually leave comments! i know people read this thing!!! i've been so disappointed... ONLY MIKE GETS MADD PROPS FOR LEAVING A COMMENT IN MY LAST ENTRY!!! Yay for Mike! I heart Mike! P.S. whichever journal has the most comments wins. (between my blurty and livejournal...) 1 comment|post comment

ooh mow mow, pah pah ooh mow mow [28 Apr 2004|09:29pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | Close Your Eyes ~ Jump Little Children ] Well...it's back...So and I feel like writing a complete entry...so...I think I will. First off, you should know that I have been cheating on Blurty. Yes, it's true. Check it out. ^__^ So yes...now... These past fews days have been so good. Not all of the entire day, but most of the days have been really very enjoyable. I have retreat tomorrow, too. So that's awesome. And in this moment, right now, I have just about no cares in the world. The weather is beautiful, I'm listening to fun music, dad isn't home, and there's no homework hanging urgently over my head. Yes, I have homework to do. Yes, there's quite a bit to do. But right this moment, I know it can wait. I can do this. I can handle this. I'm not so sick at all anymore. I'm feeling quite good, really. Those insecurities that have been rearing their ugly heads are going into hiding once again. I'm feeling pretty good over all. I do have a lot of work to do before May 5th, though. But don't we all? But something really odd happened today. Or, it struck me as...nice...I was in the dance room for about 20 minutes of rehearsal, and as you know, I hate looking at myself in mirrors. Especially that one. I loathe seeing myself in the mirror during the day. Most particularly the full-length ones. But today, I didn't feel disgusted with what I saw. That is something really small, and really shallow, but it made me just a little happier. For some reason, all my insecurities that I've been quelling have been acting up, and I think this shows that they are in check once again. It was just something little. But, in a way, big to me. And today, Ryan taught me how to dance the meringue and Dan (C) taught me to dance the cha-cha. Fun stuff! They were both very good teachers! Ryan especially. He's a funny kid. He's doing so well with this part. I mean, I've always thought he was a good actor, but I was pleasantly surprised by his singing. I am so excited about this play!!!!! We have an excellent cast, so even if I sucked it would still be worth your money. Besides, I don't suck. So you definitely all HAVE to come see it now! Good times, good times. I better see you there on opening night, kiddos. Wednesday May 12th. Holy shit, that's in two weeks from today. Do you realize how jumpy I am about it? I'm excited, but nervous...it's a bad combination. And they put the raised part of the stage up today, but all of them weren't secured into the floor, and they all haven't been painted, and the ramps aren't set up yet. It's so freakin scary being on those things with them not being secured. Ah! I was so scared. But it's looing great. Oh man! It's going to be so great!!! Guys, you have to see it to believe it! ("Believe, Sanch, believe.") Anyway, the moral of this story is that you should see it, and it will be worth it. Hmm...it's funny how little things remind me. They remind me and they make me sad. I think I do a good job of not showing it so often, but it's always in the back of my mind. A sad song. A number of regular songs, slow, or sad, or not. Certain things in my locker. Certain things here on my desk. In my room. It's funny how you connect things to people. Sometimes I smell a particular smell, and it's like nothing has changed. It doesn't make sense that I am moved by that scent, it's not like things have changed. But then, after just a split second of that, I am forced to remember that, oh...yes. They have changed. They have changed a great deal. Was I naive? Was I wearing blinders? Did I really do nothing wrong? There's no way to know for sure. I wish there was. I almost wish I could have controlled what happened. I tried. Believe me, I tried my hardest. But sometimes you need to know when to let go. When to admit defeat. Admit you have no control. You can't control other people. So why bother trying? But anyway, enough of that. Enough of the memories. Live in the moment, right?...Right? Who knows. I certainly don’t. But I think that’s part of the fun, not knowing. Because it’s all a trial and error experience, this life of mine. I mean, I once tried a peanut butter sandwich, but I found that I almost died, so I didn’t eat one again. Trial and error. It’s all trial and error. “When the road gets dark/ And you can no longer see/ Let my love throw a spark/ And have a little faith in me/ And when the tears you cry/ Are all you can believe/ Just give these loving arms a try baby/ And have a little faith in me…/ And when your secret heart/ Cannot speak so easily/ Come here baby/ From a whisper start/ To have a little faith in me/ And when your back's against the wall/ Just turn around and you, you will see/ I will catch your, I will catch your fall/ Just have a little faith in me…/ Well I've been loving you for such a long time / Expecting nothing in return/ Just for you to have a little faith in me…/ And all you gotta do is a have a little faith in me” Have A Little Faith in Me ~ There have been so many covers of that song, I don’t know which artist to put there. But I do know that that is one of my favorite songs. “Let my love throw a spark” What a beautiful idea. Trust. Faith. Support. Seems idealistic. Too romantic. Is romance dead? Did it die with chivalry? I would hope not. I sometimes have reason to think it hasn’t died. But then, who really knows if the “romantic” things people say aren’t for another purpose. I’ve sure heard plenty of lines. I have believed them, too. And I’ve seen what an idiot I am. There’s nothing so rude of an awakening as realizing you been so gullible to trust someone you believed in. To be used. Exploited. I know how that feels, too. I know it two times over. Do you know how it feels to be exploited? Do you know how it feels to have your trust violated? Really violated? I actually hope most of you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. I hope moreover that you don’t know the feeling. That feeling. Memories. Bygones. Trial and error. I wonder if I’ll ever get that naïve Becka back. The one that can love like I’ve ‘never been hurt.’ I wonder sometimes. I see it. The love of story books. The love that I used to daydream about. The kind of romance that the nine year old Becka wished for. I remember getting into a little discussion about this with William. Marriage isn’t a “when” for me. It’s an “if.” It’s not for certain. Not for anyone. And, I’ve been disillusioned by my parents, so it’s almost as if…what is there for me to believe in? But then I remember my grandparents and I think…I wish that I could be like that. That kind of life is the life I want to have lived. But, my grandparents didn’t get there by being high school sweethearts. My grandmother married, had two kids, was then abandoned…all before finding the real love of her life. It’s times like this when I have to lean forward, sometimes imagining what it would be like if I could travel forward in time to when I’m, say, 20 or 25…maybe 30 so I can look and see what I have done with my life. What maybe I could do differently. Then again, some of the fun might be taken out of it. Good thing it’s not actually an option. I’d never be able to decide. But…!! I here, I’m alive. I’m one lucky person. I’m so spoiled by the friendships I have. By the people who love me. Who care about me. I am blessed with the knowledge that I have a reason to keep going, even when I don’t really feel like it. Sometimes for me, but sometimes for others. And in the end, “the love you take will be equal to the love you make.” Not in the short run, in the long run. Anyway, this entry is getting lengthy…but let me begin to end it with this: tell me people, let's have a vote. All in favor of me keeping the blurty, say "aye!" (Not just to your computer screens, but to either my face, or the comment box...And if you check out the livejournal and think it looks better or whatever you find more appealing, let me know. I can't update both, and your opinion is much appreciated. :) Also, William! Get better!! And, Jeffy...omg I feel so bad. I'm so sorry! I told you I was a bad influence!!!!!!!!!! Sorry...:\ And what can I write my 10 page paper on…? K Bye. 1 comment|post comment

"I have your watch." "...I have you." [24 Apr 2004|12:28am] [ mood | dazed ] [ music | B101 (what else is new...?) ] I know I should be asleep. I know I am fucking exhausted. But things keep running over and over in my head. I laid down to try and sleep, and that failed horribly. So I'm back here, in front of this curse-ed machine, trying to get things out of my head so I can actually sleep. They don't even have to be gone from my head. They can just be less stressful...Is that too much to ask? Yes. Probably. Maybe. There's so much I have to do, and it feels like I have zero zippo nada no time to complete it in. Such crap. I am dreading May 5th. History Project due. AP English Exam...which I haven't paid for...?!?!?!?!?!?! National Honors Society sh'bang. On the SAME DAY. What kind of sick joke is that? If I am alive after May 5th, I know that if the end of the world comes about, it will be cockroaches, Cher, and myself. That's how grueling these next few weeks are going to be. And so, you mean people, you see that you should stop being mean to me and focus on getting all of YOUR work done. I think my life is full enough without antics/ drama/ emotional crap. Yes. I said it. Emotional crap. Blah. Have I mentioned lately how great I think Jeffy is? I don't think I have, and I really should. He really is something special. I met his mother tonight; she came to the Spring Concert. She told me I was pretty. I felt a little awkward. But it was so nice of her. And another person told me today that I was "just as pretty on the inside as you are on the outside." I thought that was really nice too. I was flattered in the extreme. Both times. Jeffy was also the 1000th hit on this journal. Neato. Good times. I'm very happy about the amount of hits this is getting. It's cool that people are interested in what I have to say. I don't usually have anything deep to say, but apparently other people think differently. I appreciate that. So thank you. Thank you for being a supporter of the Becka Journal. I still can't believe I have kept this thing for over a year. That's so crazy. I have never been so dedicated to a journal. I think in all my years of aimless journal/ diary writing, I have only finished 5 or 6 journals, from start to finish. That's really not a lot. At all. I have probably about 7 journals started, all started within the past year/ year and a half. That's just sad. But, even though I can't use names sometimes, and can't be completely honest here, I like the idea that at least someone else is reading my words. My thoughts. You judge me on what I write here. You can decide if I'm worth the effort a friendship. You can call me on being bitchy or unfair. You can comment on how much you (don't) love me, to just say hello, or to add your two cents on whatever the subject of the day is. Thank you again. I always love feedback. Your thoughts. I love when people leave me comments. I love them in general, but I love the ones with a higher purpose. I think I should try and sleep again...The screen is getting a little out of focus. Weee. G'night, nice people. 4 comments|post comment

"Remember that time Evin sat in Becka's chair...? Ready go." [23 Apr 2004|06:03pm] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | Together Again ~ Janet Jackson ] This is the first time I've been able to breathe since my last entry. And I mean that pretty literally, as this stupid...whatever I have has been making hard for me to breathe. Yeah, no good. But I'm almost 100% better, so that's good. And I can sing once more. That's excellent. But in the figurative sense, I've been so incredibly rushed and tired and ugh. I want to say this was a bad week, but it was more educational than anything else. Gah. It's been a "friendship" week. This week really has been about unraveling some friendships and strengthening others. The former sucks, but you know what, I can't deal with people who do stupid stuff...after I have gone out of my way for them time after time. I just don't have the energy to be used. And strengthening friendships? That's been happy. Very happy. Well...I should go change for the Spring Concert. I really don't want to go...I'm so tired. I didn't actually realize how exhausted I am until I sat down. I've been on my feet all day...and rehearsal was pretty rough today for me...But you don't care about my whining. So...Katie D is a nice girl. I like her very much. And Mike M is just too cute...(even though he lies!!) In short, I love a lot of people. I wish I could say 'everyone'...but I can't. But hey, at least I'm working on it...it's just kind of hard when people are mean when all you've been is nice...It hurts, ya know? 2 comments|post comment

I dare you to love. [20 Apr 2004|10:07pm] [ mood | touched ] [ music | Adding To The Noise ~ Switchfoot ] I can hardly believe (first off) that my journal has been getting so many hits! The person who is the 1,000 visitor gets a special prize. So keep an eye on the counter, and let me know if you're the 'winner'. :) Now... I am so tired. I'm happy. But I'm mad. I'm pissed off at some people. I really, truly am. I absolutely hate getting used. I hate getting taken for granted. I hate being lied to. Hate it. Absolutely have no tolerance for it. And to those who are the ones I'm pissed at. I hope you read this and understand that what you are doing to me, and in some cases, to others is about as low as you can go. Snap out of it. You are mature people, I know you are. Stop acting petty. Stop acting so egotistical. Just. Stop. To those who brighten my days, though, I want to thank you. A million times over. Mainly, I think William and Jeffy need a standing ovation. They have listened to me bitch about everything, and it's boring, and not very pretty, and they really really should understand how much I appreciate that. From the bottom of my heart. And...wow. Just wow. Even with everything that I'm trying to shift through right now, I can't help but stop and be thankful and so completely grateful I have friends like these. I really am very blessed. I think the next few days should be 'National Hug William and Jeffy Day'. If you see them in the hallways, give them hugs. That's how awesome they are. But watch out, they scare easy...so...you know...be nice. :) P.S. The title is my dare to all of you. We're all playing Truth-Or-Dare, and it's my turn first. Ready? Go. ... 10-4. post comment

"He smiled, and assured her that whatever she wished him to say should be said." [18 Apr 2004|01:34pm] [ mood | chipper ] [ music | My Friends Over You ~ A New Found Glory ] Once again I am sick. I think I figured it out, though. I start off sick, then as the week goes on, I get better because I have to; I have no choice in the matter. Then, when the weekend rolls around, I can finally rest, and the week catches up with me and I get sick again. It's a terrible cycle. Oh well...I'll get better. And there's no possible way these next few weeks could be as stressful and taxing as the week before vacation was. My rabbi pulled me aside today and was asking me about my family and how everyone was doing. He seemed genuinely concerned. He gave my parents marriage counciling in the months before their divorce, so I can see how he would feel himself concerned about our welfare...I wanted to tell him about Tuesday/Wednesday (before vacation), but I never found the moment. And honestly, I wasn't sure if I really should. I get the feeling that if I told him, it would just be another reason for him to feel La Salle wasn't the right choice of a school for me...I didn't want to give him that over me, I guess. But...still...I mean, he should know, right? *sigh* And the weather has been so beautiful. On Thursday, William and I went for a walk around our neighborhood. Will is such an awesome friend. Really...he's so...trustworthy. And it's really nice. I really appreciate being able to have a friend like William. But yes...this weather has been outstanding. Last night, I saw "13 Going On 30" and I have to say, the movie was actually pretty good. It agrees with a lot of my philosophies and morals. I dunno, it was a good movie to see. Not too emotionally draining, and not too vapid. Good times, good times. But afterward, it was around 9:30 pm and on a whim I called Will because I couldn't stand being inside on such a mild night, and luckily he was home and able to accompany me on another walk. My throat hurt (still hurts, dammit) so I didn't talk much...it was different. I certainly talk a lot. We walked to the Edgewood Yacht Club and we walked along the sandbar because I wanted to. There's a stretch of beach at the base of the sandbar, and it looked inviting. So I took off my shoes and socks and when I first put my foot in the sand, it was heavenly. Will soon followed suit, and we ran around (well...I ran...Will figured I was just too crazy) but it honestly was perfect. ("I believe in the sand beneath my toes/ The beach gives a feeling/ An earthy feeling/ I believe in the faith that grows/ And the four right chords can make me cry/ When I'm with you/ I feel like I could die/ And that would be all right/ All right.") While he were making our way back to my mom's apartment, I stopped to roll down someone's steep front lawn. That was awesomely fun. I giggled for a few minutes after that. Will just thinks I'm too insane. "Too adventurous" as he put it. We got into a discussion about that. That was a good conversation. On Friday I got to see Jeffy. I had him watch "The Princess Bride" which he had never seen before. e had a good chuckle over 'The Impressive Clergyman'. ("Mawwage. Vat bwessed awangement...Ven wove, twue wove wilw wive foweva..."..."And do you, Pwincess Bu'hercwup?") I love that movie. Honestly, it's up there in the top 5. It only kind of bothers me that Princess Buttercup isn't more...active. She just kind of let's Wesely take care of her, and she acts helpless most of the time. There are a few times when she shows strong character, though...so that's good. Um...yes. I love the book Pride and Prejudice...and the movie versions are so true to the book. I love it. It is an AWEsome day out today. And tomorrow's supposed to be warmer!!! But okay, I think I'm done. This is Becka, over and out. 6 comments|post comment

"See?...Isn't this a great song?" [15 Apr 2004|09:58am] [ mood | chipper ] [ music | Love For Me ~ Guster ] Ok...quickly... Boston yesterday was tons of fun. The Chorus itself sung kind of poorly, but, you know, sometimes we don't do well under pressure and when the area we are singing in is really just a giant hallway...However, I was pretty happy with the way my solo came out, so...whatev'. Of course, though, Cookie, Jeffy, and I were all a few minutes later than everyone else...John was hungry (and apparently Jeffy and I were, too...) and so we went to Chile's. Ah, the memories of Amanda and Lisby. (Memo to Me: Call Amanda, as she is home right now.) But anyway, since it's a restaurant, we were delayed in being back on time...oh well...I changed into my little Chorus costume in a janitor's closest...and she came in right was I was pulling off my pants. It was funny. But after we sang (they cut us off short!), Jeffy, Eric, and I walked around for a little bit. It was fun! There was this guy who stopped us on the street, and was like, "I want you to stop it! Stop it right now, before I start screaming and picking my nose!!!!!!!!!" It was awesome. Good times. And we got to go inside the HUGE cathedral that I will someday buy for Jeffy as a birthday present. It was absolutely stunning. And it had TWO ORGANS. Jeffy was in heaven. We got Eric food, after that, and I got to meet Sara P's current boy-toy. Amanda and Abby also joined us for a few minutes, and it was fun times. Then we got coffee...then, they had to leave. So I was all by my lonesome as they were heading off to rehearse for the mass that I am SO GLAD I didn't have to sing at. But then I met up with Laura Graz and Annie. We called Pulce who was with Chris, Chris D and Guillermo. We eventually met up with them. Yeah...awesome times. ("Hey Beck, look...ah, the memories [around The First Church of Christ, Scientist]...") But...yeah...then we were late for the mass. But then they let us go in, even though we 1) thought it was rude to come in late and 2) really didn't want to sit through that mass. But oh well. And Annie thought they'd be super mad and we'd be in trouble and I was like, "Don't be silly, you little silly person." And they weren't mad and so she wasn't worried anymore. And theeeeeeeeeen...oh yes. Then I got home (heh heh), but then Chris called me and was like "Come out and play." So I turned right back around and directed Pulce, Darnowski (sp?) and Chris to my house. That's right folks, I spent Wednesday evening traisping around with those troublemakers. But Darnowski is so cute! Oh wow, he's very responsible too. It was so much fun, I mean..."I call back seat!" "Are you serious, dude? This is MY car!" "Yeah dude, I call back seat. YOU get shotty."..."I thought you were...you know...a good person."..."Um...here's you sweater. Please change again...?" Oh man, good times. And I think I secured a seat in that car from now on, you know, as I have...assests. Haha! No, we're good kids. And it was a fun time. And even after all that happened, I was still home with 7 minutes to spare before curfew. How cool is that ("so I went to your room and read your diary-yyyy...")!?! ANYway, the only bad thing is I am now out a cell phone, as it in lost in the abyss that is Pulce's car. So dammit! Grrr! And my phone is where I have his number, so it sucks like woah. But he said he'd call when he finds it. Hopefully he or Chris can drop it off before Monday...I kind of need my cell phone. But whatever, it will all work out. Anyway, that was not really "quick", but hey...it happens. Until next time, mis amigos! P.S. Cookie and Beth are indebted to me for a serious chunk of their life-span(...s). The cool thing is...they know it, too. ^___^ Happy people is a happy Beckaroo. ("Yes, that's right. I just referred to you as your blurty user name...") P.P.S. Sara P was trying to get my attention so I could meet her boytoy and I apparently didn't respond to my name, but I turned around right away when she yelled, "HEBREW HARLOT!!!" How messed up is that...? 2 comments|post comment

David Hasselhoff...The Parking Lot...Headlocks...Who knew so much fun was to be had in Mississippi? [13 Apr 2004|11:51pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | Calling You ~ Blue October ] ALL RIGHT! I'm home. Finally home. If it wasn't for my friends, I wouldn't want to be here. Isn't that nice... Well anyway, Mississippi was AWESOME. I missed Laura too much, and it had been much too long since an actual conversation with Jorge. Oh man. I missed him, too. Before he moved away we were super close friends. We used to talk on the phone until, like, 2 in the morning...but then crap happened...and he moved away...then more stuff happened...and I guess it's all "live'n'learn" shit. But it was great to talk to him. Especially last night. Now, I don't know what made me go into details about some of the stuff I talked about, but hot damn! I needed to tell someone who could really give me their feed-back. From...not exactly an empathic point of view (at least I hope not!) but from more of a...hmm. I don't know how to explain it, but I mean...I knew that what he was telling me was coming from experience. And common sense. Because I don't have any. Or didn't. But anyway. It was great to talk to him, and yes, good times. That was the only night we were at home, though (school night). (Okay, NOW I'll go in chronological order...) FRIDAY: The plane ride was fine and fairly uneventful, save The Crazies next to me who really wanted me to have some of their gum. It was just odd. Anyway, I get there and Laura, Joe, and Leslie are there to pick me up. I was very happy. There was a bunch of talking and driving (it's an hour from Memphis to Oxford (Memphis has the closest airport)) and when we get back to the house, I put my stuff away and we just wait for George to get back from his tennis tournament. He comes in, I jump on him (as I promised) and say hello. Then he takes his sweet time to get clean, and we go out for dinner. Good food! After dinner, Leslie and Joe are like, "yeah, go out and have fun" and they leave us kids to have a merry time. First we head over to 'The Parking Lot'...it's honestly just a parking lot...but apparently all the cool high school kids hang out there...*shrug*...so we go. I got to meet a bunch of people, including Elizabeth (oh man! she was so chill), Chris (a.k.a. Shady McShadster), Hank, Mark...and bunch of other people. Hank was so drunk already...poor Hank...so yea, we end up going to a bowling alley/pool hall/arcade place and Steph ("Firecracker") and I play air hockey. She kicked my sorry Yankee ass. But then she beat Laura...and George...and Laura again...it was hilarious. Then George is like, "guys, where's Hank?" and a few minutes later he comes back in the place and is like, "yeah, he's puking in the parking lot...time to go home." So George, Laura, Hank, and I pile into Hank's jeep (Laura drove...it made her life), and we head back to the parking lot. Laura followed-ish George and I back to Hank's house and then the three of us went home. We hung out for a little while, but around 1/ 2 am ish we went to bed. SATURDAY: I got to sleep in everyday while I was down there. It was heaven. So yes. Saturday Laura, Leslie, Lauren, and I went shopping and the craziest thing happened...I not only got jewlery for both junior and senior prom...I also got a shirt! It's CRAZY! This is the first trip I'm taking where I'm not coming back with any new music! Not only that, but I'm coming back with CLOTHES! It's CA'RAZAY. Like woah. Anyway, yes...shirts and jewlery. Then we got all shopped out and Lauren went back to Ole Miss and Laura, Leslie and I went the house and food happened, and fun-ness happened (fun-ness happened a lot the past few days...). After dinner, George and Laura and I had a pow-wow, and they decided that Saturday night would be dedicated to making me drunk...*clears throat* so yes. But we went to see Hellboy. What a random/ bad movie. The Russians and the Nazis team up to bring about the apocalypse and it was just...whatever...silly movie makers. Anyway, I met more people that night...but none of complete importance. But then the three of us went back to the house and wow...I am a lightweight. Laura went to bed around 1 am, but George and I were up until about 7 in the morning. I have so many freaking bruises...but then again, what are brothers for if not beating ya up? When I heard the birds starting to sing, though, I figured it was time for bed... SUNDAY: The Easter Bunny loves me! He gave me bubbles! And a blow up bee! And candy! And a hat, too...Yes, the Easter Bunny took a liking to the nice little Jews. We've been good this year, I guess (chyeah...right, right...). Yeah I think we hung out pretty much all day on Sunday...I can't remember if we did anything else. But Laura had classes on monday, so George and I took her back to her dorm after dinner and chocolate bunny ear and Kahluah (it was Joe's idea!! I swear!). Then...Sunday night was the craziest night. There was no Laura, and I think I did a pretty good job of holding my own with all the southern people. But oh man...after standing around in the parking lot for a few minutes (and Elizabeth declaring that George's adopted family (me and Laura) was cooler than he real family ^__^!), Steph drove George and I to the pavillion. I got to ride shotty, and oh man, that girl drove that jeep like it was a race car with a super low center of gravity. It was also raining. She was frightening...but it was FUN. Oh wow, it was fun. A lot of the roads in Mississippi are super straight, so she was going, like, 90 down them, and no one was on the road, so she just kind of used both lanes as she chose. We get there, to the pavillion, and there were too many new people. But the best line was used on me...oh wow...okay, so Steph, George, and I get out of the car, and the first person George sees is this kid Andy. So we go say hi, and Andy is pretty much piss drunk, and George WALKS AWAY leaving me there...so Andy starts hitting on me. The first thing he says is, "You know we DO wear shoes down here..." And I was like, "What...?" And he was like, "Well you know how all y'all Yankees think that we don't wear shoes and shit down here..." I wanted to laugh, but I didn't...And so, you know, we're talking, and I'm trying to figure out how to run away when he starts telling me this story about the last tennis tournament he was in (he and George had played doubles matches together, so George got to tell me the actual story of what Andy told me) and Andy's telling me about these girls who are "obsessed" with him and whatnot, but then he says, "What David Hasselhoff is to Germany, I am to the tennis court girls." Looking at that typed out just makes me laugh. At that point, I couldn't take it any longer so I was like, "GEORGE!!!" and ran away. And he followed me. But luckily enough, Elizabeth had gotten there, and so I was all good. But oh man...David Hasselhoff...oh man. Funny shit. Then Shady McShadster hit on me...but as George pointed out, "He'd hit on anything that walks...no offense." It was fun all the same, he was cute. I felt kind of uncomfortable when some guys started yelling at this Jewish kid...all sorts of mean things. And I mean, they were just kidding around, but all the same...it was like a confrontational version of last wednesday...that wasn't so fun. And Mark at one point made some crack about Jews and George, before I can say anything, pipes up and goes, "Dude...(he points at me)...she's Jewish." Mark looked so embarassed...I was glad for George. He's a good guy. Then when Steph was ready to go, Shady shook my hand good-bye, and Mark (Shady McShadster had been sitting on one side of me, Mark on the other) says, "That's not the way you say good-bye to a lady." And he proceeds to squish me in a hug. It was so cute, and with those southern accents...oh yes. It was quite happy. Driving back with Steph was a little less crazy, as it was raining harder than before. That only means that instead of going 90, we were going about 70...Laura nicknamed that one correctly...Firecracker, that's what she is...100% Firecracker. Anyway, after getting back to the house, George played his guitar for me for a little while, but then I went to bed...long day... MONDAY: I woke up late again, and George and I hung out for a little while (he sang and played his guitar more...words cannot explain how talented I really think he is) but soon it was time for him to drop me off at Ole Miss so Laura, Lauren, and I could have lunch then so I could go to Laura's english class with her. Well...that's basically what happened. Lunch was...lunch. And english class was really interesting. They talked about Faulkner. Now, I don't know if I could understand really any of Faulkner's writings, but the english teacher was so into it, that it made me want to. And after class, I got to ask him a question I had, and he was like "That's an excellent question...." And that made my life. I was so proud. I also got to meet Steve (The National Treasure). I don't care what Laura says, I think he was awful cute. Laura, Steve, Lauren, and I went out for coffee after class, and then Lauren, Laura, and I went back to Laura's dorm room and hung out for a little while. That's when I wrote the previous entry. Fun times. Then Laura and I got picked up by George and we went out to dinner and that was yummy food. Then George took Laura back to the dorm, and George and I went back to the house. It was a bunch of sharing music and his playing and singing for me. Really...there were some songs that he sang that really made the hair on the back of my neck stand up straight. He's a talented boy. And he sang this one song that he wrote, but he didn't tell me until after he was done, and hot damn! Could have fooled me...it was so good. He also owes me a demo of his that he made with his band a few summers ago. I think it's going to be a while before I get any such thing in the mail...Yes, I'm talking to him about it now...look. becka: so...yeah...you're burning that demo of yours for me right now, aren't you? Sparticus: naw Sparticus: lol Sparticus: i will tho Sparticus: manana becka: ...i have a feeling you'll keep saying that becka: but for some reason becka: i still believe you Sparticus: haha Sparticus: thats why ur capable of religious devotion becka: lol becka: i don't know that you really equate to God becka: as much as i love you becka: i don't know if that connection is really there... Sparticus: u misunderstand my point Sparticus: if u can have faith that I of all poeple will answer yr desire of having a certain CD in a timely fashion, then u can have faith in something possibly equally dissapointing, GOD becka: ... becka: you suck Sparticus: HAHAH becka: i'll get laura to kick you in the shins becka: until you burn that damn demo for me becka: AND send it to me in the mail Sparticus: i am not afraid of laura... physically becka: lol becka: well...she's a little scarier than me AND she's a whole bunch scarier with sharp/ large objects in her possession Sparticus: ur not scary Sparticus: at all Sparticus: like, yr many things, many good things, but u are def not scary I scare so many people...how is it that I don't scare George? Maybe it's because he seriously kicked my bum everytime we got into a fight. Headlocks are so uncomfortable...really, now...I had forgotten...But hey! Jorge's visiting sometime in June...or August....he doesn't know for sure yet. But he's visiting sometime summer-ish. And that's very happy. Yay for that! More headlocks to look forward to. :)ANYway...time to figure out what I need for tomorrow's Boston excursion. Yay for feather boas and kick ass solos! I can't wait to tear it up in Boston with Pulce, too. Good times. Good times. Night kids. P.S. I get to see Jeffy tomorrow! *wags tail* post comment

"Yay Jesus...Yay Jew! Happy Resurrection!!" [12 Apr 2004|05:51pm] [ mood | so incredibly happy ] [ music | random music, Laura yelling, Lauren laughing ] I'm in Laura's dorm room right now, typing this out. I can't wait to write everything all out...well...not everything because not only would it take too long, but it also is not all that interesting. Well...some of it is...and I have officially met The National Treasure (a.k.a. Steve). Laura has dubbed him so. And I've met a bunch of people here, and (almost) all of them have been cool. I've got some great stories, dudes...I have Laura in the background shouting "Yay Jesus!!" Fuuuuuuuuunny shit. I love her. It's so great to be here and see all these people I've heard so many stories about. And they want to keep me :) Silly southerners. Well now it's time to go have food or something...It's totally messing with my head, this time change...but it's been awesome fun. So yes, the time on this computer's wrong...it's actually almost 5 pm here...But yes love you guys bye. :) post comment

"Be good...and try not to die..." [09 Apr 2004|01:23am] [ mood | satisfied ] [ music | nothing...i'm too tired ] In light of the shit that's happened, tonight could not have been more perfect. Yesterday is still with me. I don't know that I'll ever forget it. Especially now that I know...that I know who did it. It all makes sense. The way I would constantly catch him staring at me...It still send shivers up and down my spine just thinking about him, and the constant intensity of his face. I never saw him smile. Not once. I wouldn't have guessed that he would do something so offensive, but Mrs. Murphy did say that I wouldn't have guessed it was him anyway. Things have got me thinking recently. But I am pretty sure I would rather not think. No lo me gusta. Pues, yo soy feliz que paso aqui, a La Salle...pero es importante que no occura nada mas. *sigh* yo suck at espanol...blah. But after this week and these disappointments and this happiness, and this wonderful-ness...I am exhausted. More than you guys can imagine I am. I still am reeling from Wednesday. And I'm reeling from some of the not so positive responses. What absolute suckage. I got to talk to Sarah and she was like, "blahblahblah..." and I was like, "blah! blahblahblahblah." Whatever...I'm leaving tomorrow and it will all be behind me for a few days at least. And don't feel shy to email me a little something (that's not junk mail). Frankly, I would love it. I can't believe it all made me feel like crap. He made me feel like crap. THEY made me feel like crap. What a joke. What a stupid asshole. The moral of the story is that I honestly love Sarah and I love Will, Dan'il, Jeff, and Oreo/ Scott (hahaaha ^_^)'s company. Really. We should make more excuses to hang out. It was great fun. Especially now that the weather is getting warmer. Awesome awesome. And tonight just reinforced the premonition I have that Dan and I will have such a fun time at Prom. Seriously, he's one of the best people I know...we're so going to have a superfun time. And oh...poor Jeffy. He was so tired...I felt bad...but at least he got to be Moses...and at least he went to bed at a semi reasonable time...I hope. So yes...Happy Easter and Happy Passover, kids...just in case I don't get to really say goodbye to my faithful readers tomorrow... I really really am looking forward to this trip. And I can't help but wonder what I ever did to him to make him feel like he can be an asshole and not think twice about it towards me. I have a feeling it was the same that thing mad... I should go...I'm insanely exhausted, both emotionally AND phyisically. Good night...I don't think this entry has much of a point or is very coherent, but hey...life just happens like that, son ways. I will never forget these past few days. I really never will. 2 comments|post comment

"I'm not going to let you......................win. Not win." [07 Apr 2004|08:55pm] [ mood | loved/ sad ] [ music | Kissing You ~ Des'ree ] I have out talked myself today. I have been so tired these past two weeks that today absolutely wiped me out. I'm done. Done with the work. Done done done. I was thinking about today, and I was thinking about the good things of today...All the bad stuff seems like it was weeks ago, and all the good stuff just happened. Barlow and Jeffy were so great today. Amazing. Really, guys...And William, too...hot damn, I have awesome friends. To see them offended for me, and in general...it was so great. That support...Dan'il, Dan P, Claudia, Katy, Vero, Steph, Tash, Rachel, Sarah, Sarah...Pat, Evin...no one is luckier than me when it comes to friends. So many people gave me real hugs today. It helped me feel so much better...And lunch and that after-lunch walk Barlow and Jeffy and I took was so great. It was so awesomely sweet to have Will and Barlow both looking out for me in their own ways, with their differing opinions. And when they were talking about me when I was right there...I wanted to laugh, but had no energy too. It made me smile, though. Even the teachers were great about it. I have such a great new-found respect for Mrs. Murphy...seriously... I've been so over-tired recently...Is it bad that I wasn't impressed with some people today?...I mean...I don't know...there are some things people said that was so inappropriate...It makes me appreciate my friends so much more...It stresses me out still to think about those people's faces and comments...what a long day. I need sleep. I need a superhug. I want a back massage. I don't want to do my work...seriously...really don't want to do it. I want to banish this annoying headache of mine. *sigh* That's my wish list. Most of those aren't doable at all. I also wish my father would treat me with more respect. I really do. He treats me like such crap sometimes. Because I need to feel worse about myself today. Hoorah for awful timing. Whatever. At least I have my friends. My friends are the best in the entire world. Thank you a million times over, you guys. You all are so amazing. Like woah. P.S. Caitlin...you are awesome. End. 4 comments|post comment

Jeff says: I like being illegal with you. [04 Apr 2004|07:21pm] [ mood | chipper ] [ music | my parents making fun of each other loudly ] I adopted a cute lil' ninja fetus from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus! omg you guys. Hottness. It's a ninja. ANYway. I have lots to do. And less time to do it in...Um...and I just thought it would be fun to have an entry dated 04-04-04. :-D. All right. Bye loves. P.S. I have officially lost my Sarah...*tear, sniffle* ;) P.P.S. Passover starts tomorrow. I have to sing the Four Questions (no, not the band) in front of Monty's Fan Club...I bet they're all super attractive, too...rowr. 4 comments|post comment

"...Anyone got a tissue?" "Ooooh...OH!" [04 Apr 2004|12:54am] [ mood | thirsty ] [ music | All The Way Up To Heaven ~ Guster ] Found a gorgeous dress for prom. It's white satin-y. And it's so Jean Harlow. It's hot. Rehearsal was super fun today, and I made ANOTHER new friend. Well...I already kind of knew Jeff M from like Winter Ball and stuff, but today I got to know him better. He's a very cool kid. And funny, too. He doesn't seem like the kind; he's so quiet. But it was very cool. I got to meet meet him during break today. Sarah C, Amy, Mike M, Jeff, and I piled into Sarah's car ('Sarah's car'...heh heh...) and we went to Dunkin Donuts. Amy got shotgun, and I made one of the boys ride bitch. They didn't even know what it was...that was amusing. We get to Dunkin Donuts, and Sarah had the most difficult time, and when trying to order Amy's ice coffee extra cream, extra sugar ordered an ice coffee with extra straws...how that happened, I'm not sure...But we finally get our stuff (coffee!! ^_^) and the girl at the window piles about 20 straws onto our tray thing, and goes, "Is this enough?" Seriously, too! She seriously gave us extra straws!...That was a good time. I only got a small iced coffee (extra extra), but by the time I was done with it, I was twitching uncontrollably. So Jeff and I raced up and down the chorus hallway about 5 times...he won every time, dammit all...But that may be because my hips are at the same level as the middle of his thigh...haha. So then I got him to give me a piggy-back ride. Then eventually I gave him one. He's supa light. It was funny. But yes. Cool kid, that Jeff M. Speaking of Jeffs...oh man. I got Jeffy (a.k.a. Salad) in trouble last night...I'm such a bad influence!! AHH! And the cop came and shone a light into his car...and ohhh...I'm so bad...No joke...It's like it's my job to corrupt people. Becka "The Corrupter" Lobosco. Tisk tisk on me... Anyway, after rehearsal was when mom and I went dress shopping. She got too excited about the fluffy dresses and used me as her personal, life-sized barbie doll...I felt so dumb. One was this magenta dress that had this, like, corset-ed top thing goin on that had a floof-y skirt that was so floof-y that it near stuck straight out to the side. And did I mention that it was magenta?? Oh...my mother's a unique one. But I eventually found The Dress. I'm very happy with it. It's very sexy. And the great thing is I already have shoes and stuff. :)! Happy happy. We also went to the movie "The Prince and Me" with Jack afterwards. It was okay...the end was kind of dopey, but hey, it was cute...*sigh* Romance is a weakness of mine...so pathetic... Anyway...I should sleep. One of these days I'll go to bed before 12...I swear I will...someday soon... P.S. The band concert (Friday night) was muuuuuy impressive. I liked it much. Good job, you guys!!! post comment

"Maybe Rebekah can just flash them all with crotchless panties... [02 Apr 2004|06:53pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | nada ] ...then again, they've probably all seen it already..." Thanks Jon Wall. Love you, too. XÞ And look! I is prouuuud... You're Audrey Hepburn!Your elegance and classy looks aren't your only features. You're intelligent, strong and self-confident, and able to dedicate your time and efforts to the poor and sick. Which classic Hollywood siren are you? brought to you by Quizilla I like this one. I certainly wish I was as beautiful as Audrey Hepburn. She's a top 5 idol of mine...oh man! she's so cool!!! Well that's all I have time for right now. :) Much love, bye. P.S. OMG CONGRATULATIONS DAN AND LISBY! HOORAH! ^_________________________^! 4 comments|post comment

"i wanna bang him" --Amy [30 Mar 2004|10:39pm] [ mood | good ] [ music | My Little Girl ~ Shryne ] Where you are seems to be As far as an eternity Outstretched arms open hearts And if it never ends then when do we start? I'll never leave you behind Or treat you unkind I know you understand I love those lyrics. They are so pretty. They are by Maroon 5, my latest obsession. Really...why did I write them off so quickly that summer? Two summers ago, I went to the BRU free concert with them and Better Than Ezra with Martin and Nick C. Maybe I was too busy being stressed out...possibly? Yes...VERY possibly. Oh well. That just makes me more huffy about that day. But I can't really do anything now about it. Most certainly I can't. *sigh* This week seems like it should be over already. Is it only Tuesday? Jesus! On the other hand, I need a weekend to finish all the crap I need to do...I'm getting behind in Chem. Not good. I'm getting behind in English...well...not behind per say, but...yeah. I got to sleep in the nurses office for the first two periods today. That was heavenly. I'm so sick, but I really can't miss any rehearsals...I, in actuality could...but I just don't want to. It would mean there was another thing I was behind in. Not cool. But! April vacation is coming up. And that's very happy. At the rate I'm going, I'll probably still be sick when I go down to Mississippi to visit Laura, but hey! I don't care! Maybe 80 degree weather is just what I need to cure me. That and some complete R&R time con mi Jorge y mi hermana. I haven't seen George in such a long time. He's a supa chill kid. Probably the chillest kid I've ever known, and now that he's a southern boy....it's just funny. And I miss Laura, too. Yes, I miss Laura way mucho. Okay. Well...There were probably many other things that I wanted to say, but I've forgotten them all... But there are two things that I do remember! 1) I've officially had an online journal for a year! Cool beans!! :) It has survived! Thanks for tuning in, guys. I'm glad you find my rantings worth while. 2) Jeff is the best. :p Hey...so how about that homework I was going to do...? Damn me and my responsible tendencies. 6 comments|post comment

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