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Sunday, September 28th, 2008
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6:14 pm
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"Good or bad, right or wrong, you only ever really hear the truth after you've been fucked."
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| Saturday, September 20th, 2008
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11:08 pm
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"But really, everything happens all at once.
Every single moment that's passed and the moments still to come are all happening right now, in this moment. You are young. You are old. You laugh. You cry. You smile. You win. You lose. You don't care about either anymore. You love. You don't. You love again. You hurt. You heal.
All at once.
There's nothing and no one to miss because it's all still happening. They're still here.
And it'll all continue to happen, forever."
- I wrote this for you -
current mood:  hopeful
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| Saturday, August 16th, 2008
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6:03 pm
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"Life should be a little nuts. Otherwise, it's just a bunch of Thursdays, strung together."
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| Wednesday, July 2nd, 2008
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11:20 am
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Before I left, I wrote a letter of finality. Not to cut off all ties and not to toss someone out of my life and not to just make things easier for me, in hopes that I wouldn´t think about it. Of course I think about it. Of course I wish things had been different. Of course I want to be friends. For so long, I wanted to be more. But I don´t want that anymore, and I don´t really think we can be friends. Partly because I need time to get over it all still, but more largely because he is still confused and not ready for things and needs to get over it all much more than I do. Especially if he´s going to continue to live in the past and try to work through it. But I can´t handle the back-and-forth of one day saying he´s always going to love me the most and no one else, for the rest of his life, and then another yelling at me angrily for not wanting him and him not understanding how I can´t go back to loving him. I can´t handle more letters of "I´m perfect for you, why can´t you see that, why can´t you just let me love you?" that always end in declarations of love despite my imperfections. I loved him, but it was not just (or even mostly) my imperfections that made things the way they were. And after everything, it´s funny how we always go back to the things that hurt us, even though, every time, we say it´s different, we have different idealizations about the way things will be. As much as it would be nice if everyone could get over it and move on and stop holding such ridiculously false ideas about the way things were, I find myself really not caring anymore. I know how things were, and I know how they are now. I have plenty of ideas about how things will be in the future, and there is such a great deal of irony and immaturity and loose words from ignorant lips flying around that I find both sad and amusing. But I´m going to keep my thoughts to myself because my opinion no longer matters. Despite any ideas I have about it, I honestly hope things work out in one way or another, because I don´t understand how people can stand to live in a life of drama and back-and-forth uncertainty. But here´s how it is for me, regardless of what anyone thinks: I tried, really really hard; I gave many second chances; I changed, in hopes of being the right thing and doing what was best, in different measures; I wasn´t the right thing for him ever and he wasn´t the right thing for me either; nothing should have happened the way it did, but now that it has, it is right. I am impartial to how things end up for him, honestly, although I hope he is happy with himself someday. I am happy, and it is not based on the actions of anyone else, for the first time in a long time. I am free, with myself, and what´s more, I´m free from myself and my previous restrictions. It´s ironic that the first time I don´t feel lost is when I don´t have anyone to help me find my way...perhaps that´s because I have had many who make me lose myself. I am glad for the way things are. I´m not bitter, not even a little, and it actually makes me laugh aloud at how easily things ended up for me. How lucky I am.
current mood:  content
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| Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008
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2:18 am
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What is it about me that makes people see right past me? How do I so quickly go from being so desirable to being so invisible?
current mood:  confused
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| Sunday, May 4th, 2008
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12:58 am
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I'm letting go. And it feels really right.
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| Monday, April 21st, 2008
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11:43 pm
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I can't remember the last time I was homesick.
I miss being where I'm known and loved, truly loved.
I feel like I have to get out of this place.
current mood:  discontent
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| Monday, March 3rd, 2008
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7:09 pm
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You and I got something
But it's all then it's nothing to me
I got my defenses
When it comes to your intentions to me
And we wake up in the breakdown
In the things we never thought we could be
I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
We've got to move you darling
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all
And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can fear you falling
And I won't tempt to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone
I am no solution
To this sound of dispollution in me
And I was not the answer so forget you ever thought it was me
I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
We've got to move you darling
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all
And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can fear you falling
And I won't tempt to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone
And I don't need a fall out
Of all the past that's here between us
And I'm not holding on
And all your lies weren't enough to keep me here
---
i just can't keep holding onto nothing...this just isn't helping.
current mood:  tired
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| Friday, February 22nd, 2008
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6:35 am
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when you try so hard but you don't succeed
when you get what you want but not what you need
when you feel so tired but you can't sleep
i'm starting to lose it.
i really am, and i'm losing control and i have no idea how to get back up.
i don't know if i can.
current mood:  listless
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| Monday, February 18th, 2008
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10:02 pm
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i don't know. i guess i actually did think that there was a time when things would start to get easier. i know life is never easy, but i suddenly can't tell the difference between the natural unfairness of life and the fact that my life, in particular, never seems to turn around.
i really have been trying. i just don't know anything anymore.
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| Wednesday, February 13th, 2008
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4:06 pm
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oh my goodness....
i hate school.
current mood:  annoyed
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| Thursday, February 7th, 2008
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7:20 pm - Home
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Tonight, I saw a kid hip-hopping on a highway median.
It was funny, but it also reminded me why I love this city. It's not because it's a big city and it got me out of my small town, even though that's true.
I love the character of this city. It always has so much personality. And I know that might not always seem like a good thing. I can't even entirely explain it. But when I'm standing on the dock watching the shipyard lights over the water, or going for a walk to the sound of the train, or waking up at 5 in the morning, watching the sun rise and listening to that rare silence of the city just...existing before people fill it with their busyness, that's when I really feel it. That's when I experience that hidden feeling of peace and calm in a crazy city, like it has this big secret that it's actually a nice place to be, and people just can't see it most of the time.
Whenever I tell people I love this city, no one understands. Not the people who live here, and not even the people who visit. People say "Oh, well, it's pretty warm there I guess," or "You're right by the beach." Yeah, that's not it. I mean, I love those things too. But it's like...sometimes, it's this sad, crime-ridden, kind of shitty place where people have that "city attitude" (the one that my small-town-loving parents always complain about) and don't seem to give a shit about anyone but themselves. And then, when you need it the most, some unexpected act of kindness will take place. It's not usually a big thing, and I doubt people care or even notice as much as I tend to. Like...someone paying for a stranger's meal in a deli line because they don't have cash where it's cash-only, or the guy I didn't know who helped me carry all my stuff from my car to my apartment because it looked like I was going to be crushed falling down the stairs (turns out the guy lives above me and now constantly witnesses me doing embarrassing and clutzy things every time he see me...*sigh*), or getting a $8 tip on a cup of coffee just because i "looked like i was having a bad day", or someone stopping me from walking into traffic when I'm reading a book (yeah, it's almost happened several times), or someone helping pick up someone else's stuff that they dropped instead of walking by, or people smiling and waving at strangers just to be nice. Possibly because it doesn't happen every often, I appreciate it more when I see that sort of thing. It makes me feel better, about life in general, if only for a little bit. Or maybe it's not a big enough deal and I'm just easily pleased. Either way, it makes me smile every single time. Sometimes, it really is the little things that make the difference. It's when I walk into a place and know everyone, it's customers who ask about my day and mean it, it's having the door held open for me, it's people handing me money that I dropped, it's people being nice when I'm stressed out, it's going back to the same places and going through the same routines with the feeling of comfort that I get from knowing that there's always something to come home to, even when I feel alone.
That being said:
-The left lane is for passing.
-You do not need to slow down so much when you're merging.
-You do NOT need to be talking on your cell phone, sending text messages, or looking in the backseat (or anywhere else).
-Stay out of my lane; you have your own. Lines do serve a purpose.
-Just because there aren't lines on the road doesn't mean you're supposed to drive on the left side or in the middle.
-If you're being passed by trucks and buses and really old people, you're going too slowly.
-Red means stop, green means go. Yellow does not mean speed up or slam on your brakes.
-Cops don't want you to go 10 miles/hour under the speed limit either. No need to slam on the brakes just because there's a cop around.
-If you're cutting me off, you'd sure as hell better be driving faster than I am.
-Blonde women and anyone over the age of 65 should not be allowed to drive. They are stereotypes because they're true.
I love this city. But sometimes, people drive like autistic children.
current mood: calm
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| Friday, February 1st, 2008
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11:58 am
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I don't really want to think about this right now, and I don't really want to say anything right now either, but I feel compelled to get something out there. I'm currently somewhere between being so confused and upset that I don't want to deal with it, and being too emotionally exhausted to actually care.
I didn't want things to be like this. Actually, I haven't wanted things to be how they have been for a very long time. But...I also kind of feel like it's been out of my control for a while now. I haven't necessarily been handling everything the way I wanted to, but I don't think I've been doing something wrong that's made things so shitty for everyone. On the record, I didn't ask for this. I haven't been asking for anything, actually; I haven't been wanting to break up friendships or relationships, believe it or not, and, regardless of my past behavior, I haven't been trying to get involved in anyone else's life, and lately I haven't been crazy-desperate to know the truth...because I already gave up. This whole "taking myself out of the situation" thing, honestly, from the bottom of my heart, was not some crazy elaborate form of extended manipulation. Seriously. I've meant everything I've said about wanting to start fresh and get away from things that have been really bad for me (and really, for everyone else), and just...have things not be so complicated and dramatic for once. Which, I guess, was expecting way too much. But I have been trying, even if it hasn't necessarily been working out perfectly, and I know it's going to take time, time that I'm more than willing to spend working things out with myself, by myself. Whatever anyone else wants (or thinks they want) really doesn't have anything to do with me, and it's not what I want. I'm not giving anyone a billionth second chance, I'm not pretending like the past is really forgotten and everything's better all of a sudden (because it's not). I'm not trying to "win" anything or prove anything...I'm just trying to live my life, on my own, and be content with myself and the few situations that I actually have control over. Again, it hasn't been perfect, and I don't ever expect it to be perfect.
But again. It doesn't matter how you claim things are changing or that you have changed. It doesn't even matter what the truth is anymore, if you can finally decide that I'm the best thing or that you love me most or what-the-fuck-ever. It doesn't matter anymore, because I deserve someone who never has any question about it in the first place. I deserve someone who knows I'm perfect for them, who thinks I'm amazing without having to compare and contrast by fucking everyone else in the world at the same time. I told you it was too late, that the forgiveness and redemption ship had already sailed. If you're really choosing this, then you're doing it on your own, because I'm not on-board with fighting for something that isn't worth all the pain and confusion that it's caused for everyone. I have no longer been trying to discern between the lies and the truth, I haven't been trying to get into your head, and I'm not trying to trust you. It's too much damn work, and I've been letting it go. I told you that.
I'm sad that you felt you had to do everything that you've done, from August '06 up to now. And I'm really really sorry for everyone that you've hurt, especially recently. Some things that you've said and done (like trying to convince someone that they're unimportant in comparison with someone else, regardless of whether or not that's true...and, by the way, I hope you don't really think that's true) are just outright mean and hurtful. I tried to stay out of it altogether, but when we haven't talked about it, and I said you "needed to change things", I meant you needed to change how you interact with people and how you handle problems and relationships and how incapable of dealing with your and others' emotions you are. I didn't mean you needed to destroy someone else and cause even more damage; I didn't ask you or tell you to cut anyone else down. I think you've done enough of that. I guess all the things you've done are irreversible, but I can only hope you actually think about the person you want to be and try to achieve that, and stop using other people to make things appear to be something they're not or to make yourself feel better. I'm really sorry for how much people have been hurt. And I'm sorry if it's because of me or whatever. I really didn't want this. I promise.
Thinking about this is actually making me a little nauseated, and I feel like I'm saying the same thing over and over. I guess I went on a little more than I thought I would. But now I am done thinking about it for a while, and am ready to do something that makes me feel a little better, including getting some sleep for once.
I hope everything's okay for everyone in the end. I really really do.
current mood:  sick
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| Wednesday, January 30th, 2008
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12:21 pm
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i don't know that the two are related, but ever since my relaxing "walk" with a friend the other day, i haven't been able to make myself care about anything, with the exception of a few moments.
i cared the other night....hence, my reaction to it.
but for the most part, i've just been kind of drifting through and trying to get enough energy and motivation to get up and do the things i'm supposed to do.
it's almost like winter is hitting me like it always does...but it was 60 degrees here today and yesterday.
or perhaps it really is the season itself, and not just the cold, that affects me so much.
it's not like i don't have things to care about. if anything, i have too many things to care about. i just kind of feel numb towards it all right now. i don't know if i enjoy it, or am disturbed by it.
either way, i need to have more days when it takes 20 minutes to walk 2 city blocks.
and fewer nights when i let people make me cry...
and no, i don't know what i'm doing. i'm just living, and trying to want to do the living, and doing what needs to be done. and i guess that makes me lucky to not so much worry about what anyone else is doing.
i hate winter.
current mood:  blank
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| Monday, January 28th, 2008
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7:06 pm
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i love the idea of new beginnings. i'm just not very good at putting it in practice yet. it sucks a little, sometimes a lot. but eventually i will want new things, things that are attainable. lately, it feels like i've been watching things slip away, or watching myself push things away, and not understanding why i can't hold onto the few things on which i've spent a great deal of time, effort, and tears. i know that things are a certain way for a reason, and the only thing i can change is how i choose to deal with it.
but right now, i feel okay, and my bed feels comfortable for once, and i have no desire to change much of anything. or to move, for that matter.
today, cold walks in winter felt a little warmer, a little more than friendly, and absent of thought.
current mood:  high
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1:38 pm
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"I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise.I choose to risk my significance, to live so that which came to me as seed goes to the next as blossom, and that which came to me as blossom, goes on as fruit."
-Dawna Markova
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| Thursday, January 24th, 2008
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3:13 am
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it's strange to me that someone who claims to know love doesn't understand when something has nothing at all to do with them, and everything to do with the horrible things they represent for the demise of love.
i'm so tired of fighting so hard for the truth. and i don't even know why i do it anymore, except that i have been fighting so hard for so long and it's a lot harder to change than to just say different things or to keep trying as much as i always have. it's been especially hard to face myself.
this thing with us should never have been this hard, and there have always been so many things wrong that should never have been. things wrong with me that were never wrong with me before. i've said it before, and i'll say it again: i don't like the person i became this past year.
i'm sorry for how things were in the first place, but that wasn't my fault. i'm not sorry for anything i did back then, because i did what i had to do given the situation. and i haven't said anything i don't mean. but i'm sorry for this, now. i'm well aware that i only hurt myself today.
this, us, is something i've always wanted. and now i'm looking to find things wrong with it, because things are wrong with it, and it's no longer fixable. but it's torture, because, as much as i say i want out, as much as i say i don't want it, i know part of me still does. i never said it was going to be automatic, i know it takes time and it's a process. i've probably made it seem like i just closed a book and walked away, but it's never that easy. this has been my process. and, until now, i haven't been able to let it go.
so this is me, letting it go.
one step at a time...
letting you go.
current mood:  restless
current music: nothing like you and i - the perishers
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| Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008
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10:04 pm
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they say imitation is the truest form of flattery.
i still hate it.
current mood: annoyed
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1:20 am - reminiscing
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wow....i've spent some time rereading old blurty. so many things have changed, and yet....it seems sometimes that i'm exactly where i have been before. funny, but i don't really feel like i'm running in place anymore. hmm.
more later, i just wanted to remind myself to elaborate.
and my god, i love my friends. ^.^
current mood:  nostalgic
current music: goo goo dolls
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| Sunday, January 20th, 2008
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5:10 pm
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You helped them to kill me
that's all that I'm willing to say
You no longer thrill me
all you do now is stand in my way
And all they say, makes me feel just as safe
I have lost everything that I own
All they say makes me awfully blue and alone
I wrote us a song,
you weren't singing along
But I hope you'll be missing me too
I held on too long, and did everything wrong
But I hope you'll be missing me, like I will miss you
I won't say I've moved on
I won't say I'm close to okay
or that you no longer thrill me,
or no longer stand in my way
I'm not too proud to admit to you now
that I'm still nothing more than a wreck
and I do intend not to pretend, 'til the end
I wrote us a song,
you weren't singing along
But I hope you'll be missing me too,
I held on too long and did everything wrong
But I hope you'll be missing me, like I will miss you
I hope you'll be missing me like I will miss you
---
i didn't do everything right, but i tried really hard. and i do miss him, and will continue to miss him, but it's no longer enough to make up for how i feel, to overrule how much i need this right now and how much i don't need to feel like i have for the last year and a half.
i'm not expecting this to turn out how i want it to, nothing really ever does. but i don't need to know exactly where everything's going. in fact, i need to not know where it's going. i feel very real.
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