~*~Beautiful¤Jeanna~*~'s Journal

Thursday, April 8, 2004

7:59PM - .:(( check this out )):.


My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?

Current mood: drained
Current music: .:(( Zeppelin ¤ Over the Hills and Far Away )):.
(comment on this)

7:59PM - .:(( check this out )):.


My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?

Current mood: drained
Current music: .:(( Zeppelin ¤ Over the Hills and Far Away )):.
(comment on this)

7:59PM - .:(( check this out )):.


My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?

Current mood: drained
Current music: .:(( Zeppelin ¤ Over the Hills and Far Away )):.
(comment on this)

Friday, February 6, 2004

10:31PM - Writing about me and brian breaking up

The end. It’s all over. There is nothing anyone can do to revert and change. There is no way to fix the damages that have been caused. Not a pinch of remorse is left over to kick around. After all that has been said and done, nothing matters. Nothing is left to matter anymore. The ending fell so hard and fast, there was no time to save anything. There is nothing sadder in this life than to watch the one you love walk away after they have left you. To watch the distance between your two bodies expand until there is nothing left but empty space and silence. Even after it all, no one will stick around to listen to what needs to be said… everything that was to be said and never was. Everything that was felt is gone. Everything that was exchanged, the secrets, promises, souls, all left to nothing. All that remains is silence left in the cold empty air. This air that was once breathed in by two star crossed lovers that is left now with nothing. Not a feeling, not even a scent is left behind to trace back to the memories that were left behind in the debris. The recent memories slowly fade, as the older ones are hung on a high shelf. A shelf so high that not even the best patched love could ever reach them with ease. Best lovers. Close best friends, for so long, long enough to name them part of your own self and part of the drastic life you live. Destroyed in the discrepancies neither changeable nor disregard able. The sense of disregard of the faultless relationship with faultless feelings and to find the perfect one to share the faultless air with can not be taken back. The pain and suffrage took over the love and unconditional feelings that were exchanged locked in promises and agreements. They have been so locked in the heart of the hatred that not even the deepest beechen by the one who needs to survive the destruction will even scratch the surface. This loss of a love so missed is not nearly as painful as the resistance is accepting that it has been taken. The failing of this love is like desperately hanging on to something valued, and not wanting to give up, but your hands feel the pain. And, when you finally let go, you're free from any pain, but your hands are empty. This loss leaves nothing but resentment thoughts and feelings behind. When we live with this resentment toward another, out hearts close down. Letting go of our resentment frees us from placing blame on the other individual and allows us to look towards our selves for the answers. Although love knows not of its own depth until the destruction crashes and leaves nothing behind to evolve into a new generation of love to start over a new. Sometimes it’s thought that it’s not best to patiently pick up the shattered pieces and glue them back together to start over. What is broken is broken, and it should be remembered as it was at its best rather than mend it together as a whole and see the welded cracks expand from erosion as time moves on. But when the view of reality is seen, there is a place where finger prints rest, kisses linger, and whispers echo. It’s in that place where they will forever be a part of you. It is incredible how a face could turn to a wall and a heart to be shut down, but how a head is turned and all is lost is unreasonable. *If the truth was told instead of a lie, then the pain would go away sooner and not hurt as much* The first love is the love that clings to your heart forever, no matter how much pain it has caused, no matter how many tears have been shed. The first love will never leave the soul. Even if my heart should call out his name, even if these arms should want to embrace him again, and even if I’m all cried out and no longer in pain, I’ll never fall in love that way again. The saddest thing in life is caring so much for someone and then one day you look into their eyes and listen to them talk and realize that they are gone. All you see in front of you is a stranger with just a name. Fate has a way of changing just when you don't want it to

After a while you’re expected to learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you have to learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. It is then when you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. You learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for stable plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much of it. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you will learn that you really can endure that you really are strong, and you really do have worth. You wish them the best of luck and happiness throughout life, but it's so hard to let go with all that could have been. Always keep the memories. Throw away the chains, let love fly away until comes your way again. All of our young lives we search for someone to love, someone who will make us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere and somehow there is someone searching for us. We waste time, regretting time that is wished to be played over again on repeat. But in reality, to take away the memories and think of them as appalling times only makes matters worse. You plot lies in your self that the love that was shared was an unpleasant experience. The experience that made you the person who you have become. The experience that helped you understand, taught you and guided you through harsh times. How could an experience so successful be so unpleasant? How could something that meant the world at one time mean nothing more than empty air? How could you think it all meant nothing, and the memories just marinate in the dust on that tall shelf while the months pass by without one last glance or exchange of love? Could you look not passed the suffrage and fall in the happiness that filled your hearts throughout your relationship? Could you honestly respond in bewilderment, not remembering what was once so dear to you? Many relationships are flooded with bewilderment, due to lack of communication. If one individual refuses to communicate then there is no hope for the relationship to work. If after the relationship has ended, there might possibly be hope for fate to kick in and pick up where the false advertisement had left off. But if even after, the most involved doesn’t participate, your luck just wasn’t meant to last. And you have to pick up those memorable experiences and just walk along to find the next fate receptacle. The next, and after that. Until you find the right one. One like the first.

I know it might sound crazy, but after all that, I still love you. I want to come back into your life, but now there is something I have to do. I have to tell the one that I adore, that I can't have your love anymore, cause your heart can't take anymore lies, and my eyes are all out of cries.

Current mood: shocked
Current music: Trapt - Echo
(comment on this)

Monday, December 15, 2003

10:42PM - Some of my writing

I don’t think I should be mentioning this but, I did kill him. Not necessarily with a weapon, but with my deceiving ways. I hurt him in a way that is most hurtful. I hope for forgiveness for my crime, and I will try my best to not deceive my pride and joy ever again, but you must admit, I have been doing better. I have had so many chances to go beyond the limited point, and I stayed put for the only reason that matters.
I know I keep on thinking that he too is being unfaithful and passing on something that was given to him, for him and only him. I just know he’s deceiving me the way I have. I sometimes think of it and get so angry, buy why should I? I actually should be calm. I should accept it, for if he only knew, if he only knew the truth. He wouldn’t be in this as long as I have been.
We made an agreement. An agreement that I knew would change the rest of out lives. If not for the better, then for the worst. This agreement was not one that was fair to both of us. It was fair to him, but unfair to me. Still I had to agree, for I did not want him to be suspicious of any practices that I have taken place in that would have been menacing his safety in this relationship. I just kept my cool as if this agreement was the right thing to do.
Although I felt cheated, I couldn’t do much about it. I had already cheated him; therefore, it was his turn to cheat me out in this game of deception. Sometimes I feel like he deceives me more than I ever have, but when I think about it, I have deceived him more than he ever has. I regret the deception that I caused him.
“Why are you here” he asked in confusion that I showed up at his office in my house clothes
“I’m here to tell you something. Dear, I feel that I am cheated with our agreement.” I began. I felt so unsure of how to approach this subject, so I just proceeded with what I already had marinating in the pot. “Well, I have been thinking that I deserve to be deceived the way that I have been.”
He looked at me with a look of perplexity. “Why so you say such things? I thought that we agreed on this and everything was fine.”
“Yes, but I also think that there’s something you should know…” we just stood there, in front of each other, in fear of what would happen next. “I have deceived you in a way that is so unthinkable. If you were to know, you would leave me faster that a bull rider, in danger of being rammed and killed. For it is he who will soon learn that he had already been killed. Killed in the heart of a loved one. Killed in the hands of the one that palmed the trust that was transported between each other. Killed in the very same eyes that you found love marinating therein, waiting for you. So here I leave you with this thought. You were deceived by the one who you once loved and trusted. You were deceived in a way that should not be revealed. Please do not let me leave you in anguish and perplexity, in its place, move along with your journey. Keep me in mind, for you will never abscond from my heart. I will always visit your grave to reflect on our memories of joy and bliss. "
I am writing to you because I feel that I was unclear when I stated the reason why I have been so unruly towards you. I feel that you were listening with your ears, yet with your thoughts in tact and your heart tuned in, you were just listening to me to make sure I understood that you cared. I know you care. That is not my apprehension that has been following me since our quarrel has begun. I feel that the quarrel that has been between us is only for one thing, my personality traits that have been bothering you.
Now my dear, you must understand that we indeed have differences between each other, and if you agree to love me through sickness and health, then you would try to work out a solution for this problem that we have come too often. Although I try to fix this indifference between us, there is nothing more that I can do to make you understand. I preached my heart out only to find that I didn’t receive a response. This hurts me the most you see, simply pouring my heart out to one who I felt deserved it the most, and I feel the pathetic sensation that ricochets off of you. This pathetic sensation then sinks under my skin and throughout my blood stream into my organs, including my heart. Eventually, I begin to feel it within my soul, and it affects my ego and the way I carry myself. By the end of the day, I feel so stressed out that I make it home with a discrepancy towards anyone in my way. Although I try my best to wave all these discrepancies away, I still feel as if I’m not living a life that you would think was sane.

So I ask you once more, to please make an attempt to understand my ways. Please, also understand that I’m working on boosting my current situation of ultra ego damage. I leave you once more, with nothing but my surplus of hopes for our relationship to gain a stability of trust and acceptance.


I just can’t seem to get things right. Although I try, everything fails. Is it me? Is there anything else that I can do? This can’t possibly be the way it goes, there has to be another way. I feel so lost, so out of the game. I can’t help these feelings. I can’t do anything to stop them. Sometimes I think it’s something I did or something I said, but what could I have done that was so cruel for me to deserve such a crucial punishment? Maybe I don’t deserve to be locked in this cell of deception. Maybe I am just selected just the way that I wasn’t selected to be one with a perfect life, perfect family, and perfect lifestyle. What is “perfect”? To me, I will never see this fraud that we call “perfect”. To me, I will never live my life in search of it. I could patiently wait for it, but never will I leave my herd in search of something so untrue. And if, however, it does find me, I agree to not step forth toward it. I will just watch in amazement, left only to wish for it to be in my possession. I envy those who claim it, yet, I have not witnessed it. This false cliché will never take over me. It’s not for me, for I’ve lived a life congested with imperfections. This lie that I live, bearing imperfections, has become my upbringing, my environment. It’s something I can’t be taken away from. It’s something that I have been accustomed to, and I cannot change this hell hole by any means. If I were to leave this niche of mine, for something so false and as forged as “perfect”, then I would be abandoning my past, my lifestyle that I have become so accustomed to for so long.
I don’t think anyone else could imagine living the way that I do. I could not imagine anyone surviving the way that I have been obligated to. If this obligation wasn’t so forceful, and if I were to find a substitute for all this pain that I come across, then I’m certain that I would be a much healthier, happier, and vivacious person. My mental health would be so unmistakably precise. My social health wouldn’t lack any flaws, no defects. Most of all, my physical health would undoubtedly be enhanced without my usual look of unease and stress. Without this stress that I live in, that I am constructed to live in, it would lift the weight off my shoulders, allowing me to stand up tall and confidently. Confidence has become such a big part in the “perfect” world. Who has the time for confidence? Even if everyone had an hour to boost their confidence, there will be no noticeable change. For it is the stress that causes this imperfection, causing us all to think of nothing but the stress, thus, leaving no time for confidence. This heavy weight of stress is such a burden that it’s all we have been adapted to feel, to care about. It plays such a major role in this niche of life, that without it, no one would be the same. Not that anyone is always the same.
It’s quite comical that everyone suddenly changes to “better themselves.” As if changing into someone who you’re not and living a lie will help you lose the stress that has been assigned to you, along with the lying ways that follow these assignments. No matter what we all do in our lives, no matter how much we try to make things “better” nothing changes. We just change our individual selves. We try to change ourselves into healthier people. When we alternate ourselves into another individual, then we carry the responsibly of two persons. The responsibly on one person is enough to carry. Why ask for more? More responsibility equals more stress.
In everyone’s designated cell is where they’ll find their true inner self. For many people, their cell is represented by their soul; for others, they may be constructed within a jail cell. Although they are both physically different, analytically, they are very much alike. While one is in their soul cell, they feel secluded, alone, and feel the need to just reach deep within their soul and cleanse it thoroughly. In the soul cell is where one can think things through and analyze their results from experiments to construct a conclusion leading to a more stable, secured lifestyle. The soul cell can be attained by the relaxation of the mind and body. While living in this world today, it would take time to just lay back and relax. Once again, time must be squeezed into our hectic lives overflowing with stress. However, in this type of cell it’s much easier to attain relaxation in peace, with out stress attacking their every move. Instead, they feel the solitude and seclusion that has been put on them.
Nevertheless do they not feel the stress, for they have been so adapted to it that they feel it without the indication that it’s even there. Some just set the stress aside and think about their actions and how they got them there in the first place. Others just add the stress on to it all. Some just take the stress and apply it to their hopes and anticipation to get the hell out of there and back to the loved ones back home.
So as I conclude this selection, please highlight a few key points. Highlight those reasons and treasons in your life. Look back on your highlighted segments and remember those key points. Don’t cheat yourself or anyone else around you out of the few good instances of life. Keep your cool in the most instigating situations and remember to be yourself. Alternation only causes more stress. Relax your soul and cleanse it regularly. Remind yourself that the jail cell is just another ticket to your soul. A ticket to organize your stressed out files into a cabinet until a later time that requires you to dig them out and to take care of them in ease. Stay cautious of those false advertisers that sell the “perfect” life. Stick to your niche in your environment, and never leave your herd in search of a forged cliché such as “perfect”. Focus on the memories that you have created with loved ones that have been engraved within your heart and soul. For those memories will never fade nor be replaced.

It has been a while since I have bared my thoughts and feelings to the surface. I was afraid of the publicity and humiliation that would contract back to me. When I began to feel the empty space inside of me flood with misery, I knew that I had to take out the garbage and cleanse myself thoroughly. I figured that writing would help me begin my journey of revealing how I felt inside. Inside, almost everything has fallen apart before my eyes. Outside, I show no sign of internal break down. Maybe I should have taken that extra step before it all collapsed.
I've lost a great amount of trust in a loved one. I would never admit it face to face, but I can feel us slipping apart, just a fast as we attached, long ago. We tried to save it, but the tragedy of our civil war has ended with a harsh struggle. We chose our own paths as we reached the fork in the road. Although none of us knew where each of the roads led to, we chose cautiously, and miserably. This heart breaking novel was approached with a startling ending. Although I hide my feelings of regret, he knows how I feel, and still he disregards the fact that anything happened at all. He sends his love, which doesn’t spark much, and refuses to show any hurt within himself. He made the promise, he made the assurance, and yet he goes against his word. All the talk of love, of faith and reliance, all talk. With no actions taken, all talk. All the talk of commitment and affection. No actions were taken. The time will come, soon enough, when the horizon will be met and true actions will eventually take place.
I’ve been drained. Completely drained out of the relationship. Now, it’s my time to rehydrate myself within the affection of someone else, for the affection I was marinating in has suddenly dried up in the sun, its time to pack my cattle and start my journey. Although I have had such a callous past with commitment, this time I won’t be easily fooled. I won’t fall for a fraud, or anyone in favor for sexual encounters. I won’t be fooled by a replica of my “true love” I’m so afraid of the pain. I’m so afraid to feel it all again. Engaging into any type of relationship inclines to pain, so maybe I just need time alone, no one to worry about.
I guess I’ll just continue to think about my actions and their outcomes before I conclude my conspiracy

Current mood: crappy
Current music: * dave matthews ¤ various songs * blink ¤ feeling this *
(comment on this)

Thursday, September 25, 2003

10:13PM - Stress Chapter

I just can’t seem to get things right. Although I try, everything fails. Is it me? Is there anything else that I can do? This can’t possibly be the way it goes, there has to be another way. I feel so lost, so out of the game. I can’t help these feelings. I can’t do anything to stop them. Sometimes I think it’s something I did or something I said, but what could I have done that was so cruel for me to deserve such a crucial punishment? Maybe I don’t deserve to be locked in this cell of deception. Maybe I am just selected just the way that I wasn’t selected to be one with a perfect life, perfect family, and perfect lifestyle. What is “perfect”? To me, I will never see this fraud that we call “perfect”. To me, I will never live my life in search of it. I could patiently wait for it, but never will I leave my herd in search of something so untrue. And if, however, it does find me, I agree to not step forth toward it. I will just watch in amazement, left only to wish for it to be in my possession. I envy those who claim it, yet, I have not witnessed it. This false cliché will never take over me. It’s not for me, for I’ve lived a life congested with imperfections. This lie that I live, bearing imperfections, has become my upbringing, my environment. It’s something I can’t be taken away from. It’s something that I have been accustomed to, and I cannot change this hell hole by any means. If I were to leave this niche of mine, for something so false and as forged as “perfect”, then I would be abandoning my past, my lifestyle that I have become so accustomed to for so long.

I don’t think anyone else could imagine living the way that I do. I could not imagine anyone surviving the way that I have been obligated to. If this obligation wasn’t so forceful, and if I were to find a substitute for all this pain that I come across, then I’m certain that I would be a much healthier, happier, and vivacious person. My mental health would be so unmistakably precise. My social health wouldn’t lack any flaws, no defects. Most of all, my physical health would undoubtedly be enhanced without my usual look of unease and stress. Without this stress that I live in, that I am constructed to live in, it would lift the weight off my shoulders, allowing me to stand up tall and confidently. Confidence has become such a big part in the “perfect” world. Who has the time for confidence? Even if everyone had an hour to boost their confidence, there will be no noticeable change. For it is the stress that causes this imperfection, causing us all to think of nothing but the stress, thus, leaving no time for confidence. This heavy weight of stress is such a burden that it’s all we have been adapted to feel, to care about. It plays such a major role in this niche of life, that without it, no one would be the same. Not that anyone is always the same.

It’s quite comical that everyone suddenly changes to “better themselves.” As if changing into someone who you’re not and living a lie will help you lose the stress that has been assigned to you, along with the lying ways that follow these assignments. No matter what we all do in our lives, no matter how much we try to make things “better” nothing changes. We just change our individual selves. We try to change ourselves into healthier people. When we alternate ourselves into another individual, then we carry the responsibly of two persons. The responsibly on one person is enough to carry. Why ask for more? More responsibility equals more stress.

I also find it comical that everything in life, all its little secrets and hiding spots, are filled with stress. Even the shortcuts are aligned with stress. These people who “better” themselves search for a shortcut, the shortcut of life. They try to cheat out the blue prints that God has architecturally designed for each and every one of us. In reality, you see, they’re looking for that special shortcut where the stress has been rubbed off the aligned edges. These people have a sense for these kinds of things. The sense to take a load off themselves and watch the world pass them by, without lifting a finger or to work a muscle. These people are known as slackers. You can see it in their faces, in their personality, and in the way they treat others. You can see that they too have been locked in their cell of deception for too long.

In everyone’s designated cell is where they’ll find their true inner self. For many people, their cell is represented by their soul; for others, they may be constructed within a jail cell. Although they are both physically different, analytically, they are very much alike. While one is in their soul cell, they feel secluded, alone, and feel the need to just reach deep within their soul and cleanse it thoroughly. In the soul cell is where one can think things through and analyze their results from experiments to construct a conclusion leading to a more stable, secured lifestyle. The soul cell can be attained by the relaxation of the mind and body. While living in this world today, it would take time to just lay back and relax. Once again, time must be squeezed into our hectic lives overflowing with stress. On the other hand, when one is within their jail cell, they also feel the same characteristics of one that has been locked in their soul cell. However, in this type of cell it’s much easier to attain relaxation in peace, with out stress attacking their every move. Instead, they feel the solitude and seclusion that has been put on them. Nevertheless do they not feel the stress, for they have been so adapted to it that they feel it without the indication that it’s even there. Some just set the stress aside and think about their actions and how they got them there in the first place. Others just add the stress on to it all. Some just take the stress and apply it to their hopes and anticipation to get the hell out of there and back to the loved ones back home.

So as I conclude this selection, please highlight a few key points. Highlight those reasons and treasons in your life. Look back on your highlighted segments and remember those key points. Don’t cheat yourself or anyone else around you out of the few good instances of life. Keep your cool in the most instigating situations and remember to be yourself. Alternation only causes more stress. Relax your soul and cleanse it regularly. Remind yourself that the jail cell is just another ticket to your soul. A ticket to organize your stressed out files into a cabinet until a later time that requires you to dig them out and to take care of them in ease. Stay cautious of those false advertisers that sell the “perfect” life. Stick to your niche in your environment, and never leave your herd in search of a forged cliché such as “perfect”. Focus on the memories that you have created with loved ones that have been engraved within your heart and soul. For those memories will never fade nor be replaced.

Current mood: frustrated
Current music: Dave Matthews
(comment on this)

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

11:01PM - story of my life with brian

I don’t think I should be mentioning this but, I did kill him. Not necessarily with a weapon, but with my deceiving ways. I hurt him in a way that is most hurtful. I hope for forgiveness for my crime, and I will try my best to not deceive my pride and joy ever again, but you must admit, I have been doing better. I have had so many chances to go beyond the limited point, and I stayed put for the only reason that matters.
I know keep on thinking that he too is being unfaithful and passing on something that was given to him, for him and only him. I just know he’s deceiving me the way I have. I sometimes think of it and get so angry, buy why should I? I actually should be calm. I should accept it, for if he only knew, if he only knew the truth. He wouldn’t be in this as long as I have been.
We made an agreement. An agreement that I knew would change the rest of our lives. If not for the better, then for the worst. This agreement was not one that was fair to both of us. It was fair to him, but unfair to me. Still I had to agree, for I did not want him to be suspicious of any practices that I have taken place in that would have been menacing his safety in this relationship. I just kept my cool as if this agreement was the right thing to do.
Although I felt cheated, I couldn’t do much about it. I had already cheated him, therefore, it was his turn to cheat me out in this game of deception. Sometimes I feel like he deceives me more than I ever have, but when I think about it, I have deceived him more than he has ever done. I regret the deception that I caused him.
“Why are you here” he asked in confusion that I showed up at his office in my house clothes
“I’m here to tell you something. Dear, I feel that I am cheated with our agreement.” I began. I felt so unsure of how to approach this subject, so I just proceeded with what I already had marinating in the pot. “well, I have been thinking that I deserve to be deceived the way that I have been.”
He looked at me with a look of perplexity. “why so you say such things? I thought that we agreed on this and everything was fine.”
“Yes, but I also think that there’s something you should know…” we just stood there, in front of each other, in fear of what would happen next. “I have deceived you in a way that is so unthinkable. If you were to know, you would leave me faster that a bull rider, in danger of being rammed and killed. For it is he who will soon learn that he had already been killed. Killed in the heart of a loved one. Killed in the hands of the one that palmed the trust that was transported between each other. Killed in the very same eyes that you found love marinating therein, waiting for you. So here I leave you with this thought. You were deceived by the one who you once loved and trusted. You were deceived in a way that should not be revealed. Please do not let me leave you in anguish and perplexity, in its place, move along with your journey. Keep me in mind, for you will never abscond from my heart. I will always visit your grave to reflect on our memories of joy and bliss. "

new entry

I am writing to you because I feel that I was unclear when I stated the reason why I have been so unruly towards you. I feel that you were listening with your ears, yet with your thoughts in tact and your heart tuned in, you were just listening to me to make sure I understood that you cared. I know you care. That is not my apprehension that has been following me since our quarrel has begun. I feel that the quarrel that has been between us is only for one thing, my personality traits that have been bothering you.
Now my dear, you must understand that we indeed have differences between each other, and if you agree to love me through sickness and health, then you would try to work out a solution for this problem that we have come too often. Although I try to fix this indifference between us, there is nothing more that I can do to make you understand. I preached my heart out only to find that I didn’t receive a response. This hurts me the most you see, simply pouring my heart out to one who I felt deserved it the most, and I feel the pathetic sensation that ricochets off of you. This pathetic sensation then sinks under my skin and throughout my blood stream into my organs, including my heart. Eventually, I begin to feel it within my soul, and it affects my ego and the way I carry myself. By the end of the day, I feel so stressed out that I make it home with a discrepancy towards anyone in my way. Although I try my best to wave all these discrepancies away, I still feel as if I’m not living a life that you would think was sane.
So I ask you once more, to please make an attempt to understand my ways. Please, also understand that I’m working on boosting my current situation of ultra ego damage. I leave you once more, with nothing but my surplus of hopes for our relationship to gain a stability of trust and acceptance.

Current mood: pessimistic
Current music: Dave Matthews
(comment on this)

Wednesday, September 3, 2003

10:09PM - * U P D A T E*

Wednesday, September 3, 2003
9:59:43 PM EDT
Feeling Happy
Hearing Sum 41-Mr. AMsterdam

*news*
Hey there! its me, i just wanted to tell you all about what happened at shawns party... well, i left ambers house and i went to shawns around 2 30 or so. there was hardly anyone there, and shawn wasnt home (it was his suprise party) so then people started to show up and finally, shawn got there. we all had fun, and there was this nasty guy there. well, he wasnt nasty, he was just creepy. he told me to sit on his lap and im like no blah blah blah. so he was like creeping the shit out of me for the longest time. and he knew i went out with brian ;o) good idea huh? yeah so im like "you know i have a bf" and amanda told him too! well nah, that doesnt stop him one bit. in fact, he becomes quite violent "i can break your boyfriend in half..." so im like laughing, and so is everyone else around me "umm have you ever seen my boyfriend?" and hes like "yeah ill snap his neck...." so im like "yeah ok whatever" so anywho, later that night, we threw bryant in the pool. then all the guardians had to leave to bring people home and shit. well, while they were gone, some people showed up that only some people knew about. like im talking about a van load full. so then someone mysteriously called the cops and claimed that the people were unwelcome there. so then the guardians came back just as the cops pulled in the driveway. and we all had to clean up and leave. no one knows who called, they said that it was from a cell phone. so we all left.

I went to that modeling interview for launch and im accepted. im gonna go for a few classes of runway, print, and acting. they cost like $60.00 a class. so im gonna work at the store so i can pay it all off. im so excited, i feel only good vibes toward this upcoming experience :o)

3:50:51 PM EDT
Feeling Happy
Hearing the spanish channel that my dad is watching behind me

1st day of school!
first day of school! today was a cool day, however, i have A luch, while all the other sophmores are in B or C :o\ so im with freshman and a handful of sophmores. thats ok, i dont have ortiz for spanish :: weep :: so i have my gullo :: smirkes :: i have no classes with bob :: sob :: and only 1 with darrell :: sob once again :: and none with justin :: sob why not another time :: but.... i have like 5 classes with xylikah!! :: a jump up wohoo! :: well, i have to go get ready for my modeling appt. bye!

Sunday, August 31, 2003
2:57:19 PM EDT
Feeling Chillin'
Hearing Amber in the shower

Hey!
hello there! im at ambers house. last night was melindas party and it was great. me and amber hung out together like the whole time. we had such a great time. i taught her some of my cheers and we did hand games all night by the campfire. people started showing up at like after 1am. and these werent ordinary people, they were freaks ilke "stumpy" people lol and sam was there shes so funny sometimes, but she was making fun of them. well, i slept like an hour becaue i was so hungry, seriously i was ilke so sick. and then we had to leave early cause melinda had to go to work, so me and amber came here to her dads house. were gonna go to the movies tonight, hte cheap ones, and then im sleeping over. but i have to finish dling the newer version of kazaa for her so ill ttul hun xoxo

Current mood: tired
Current music: sum 41- thanks for nothing
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Friday, August 29, 2003

2:08PM

hey im bored

Current mood: bored
Current music: .coheed.and.cambria.devil.in.jersey.city.
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12:02AM - * t . o . d . a . y . *

hey! im so bored. seriously, i miss mary. i hope shes having a great time at the dave concert. omg on the vmas, coldplay won over good charlotte! lol i was like woah. and then they performed. i wish mary was with me to watch it :o/
i went to that new store in the mall for school clothes. i only got a sweater, three shirts and a pair of jeans. but theyre cute. im going out shopping again with ma tomorrow.
im not going camping. i have 2 bday parties to go to, melinda and shawns. im gonna go ttul xoxo

Current mood: calm
Current music: *MercyMe¤I.Worship.You.*
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Thursday, August 28, 2003

1:25PM

Today has been a lazy day so far. i went to bed at like 4 last night because i was busy online doing like nothing, but you know how it is. so i was supposed to to shopping for school this morning, so i got up early at like 9 so yeah lets do the math here.... umm.. thats like what? only 5 hours of sleep :O\ yeah so i DID NOT want to get up. but i really wanted to go shopping. well, what do ya know? my plans are ruined the same way they always are, ma has to work until 4:30. this sucks. im gonna go tan xoxo

Current mood: exhausted
Current music: *MercyMe*.I.Worship.You.
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Wednesday, August 27, 2003

10:45PM - new journal:http://journals.aol.com/beautifuljeanna/BeautifulJeannasJournal/

hey! guess what... now im going to tell you something, but i dont want you to get offended, i have another journal! no offense, seriously, but i got aol 9.0 optimized, as you know, but i had to check out the new features,... a lot of commas!... which included aol journal. if you want, you can check it out at:
http://journals.aol.com/beautifuljeanna/BeautifulJeannasJournal/
its cool, but youre cooler because you have the hampsters and music :o)i bought a shirt and a pair of ejans at aj wright, not the jeans i wanted, but another pair. this is because i went to a different one. im going to the other one tomorrow :o)
well, im gonna go and let my mom have the computer ttul sweetie! =o)

Current mood: creative
Current music: Mercy Me-I Can Only Imagine
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4:01PM

hey! whats up? i havent written in a few days. that night that mary came over was a blast... heres a clip from her journal about it...

hey! omg i had so much fun at jeannas house on friday night. we were outside the whole time, we started off by just playin cards, then we lined up all the cards on the street, and she thought that cars would see them and get all freaked out, and swirve out of the way lol. but that obviously didnt happen. but they blew ALL over the place, and since we were extremly hyper, we found that absolutely hilarious. then there was this one buffalo cop who kept on driving by all slw just staring at us! he went by 6 times within an hour. then we wer ofcourse waving to all the cars goin by. well there was this one guy by himself, prolly like 19 yrs old. and he put his head out the window just starin at us. so then like 5 minutes later, he comes driving by again, and we're in the street wavin to him, so at the end of the street, we see him turn around! and ofcourse we're laughing ssoo hard that we can barely move, so we're running to her door grabbing my camera,our wine cooler,the cards, the 2 pillows and the chips lol. so he drives by. lol so we go back out there, and he drives by again, so i run into the house and jeana runs in after me sayin that he stopped right in front of her house. so he leaves again. so then he stops coming around, but then! 20 minutes later, he drives by again!!! it was ssoo funny! and he drove around a couple more times. lol it was hilarious to us. then we come in the house, and we go online. we were reading this one girls dead journal. shes 17 years old, and the bggest dork youll ever meet. we were laughin and crying so hard that we wcouldnt breath all over what music she was listening to lol. she was listening to.....:beach boys,play,jump 5,the turtles,switchfoot,the anastasia soundtrack, aaron and nick carter, no secrets, a teens, and some stupid shit that we've never heard of! but then, she'd put simple plan, AFI, blink 182im like wtf! lol. so were downloading all these songs, and they were sssooo bad! lol but it wasssoo funny. i know this is sounding pretty supid to u, but it was actually pretty hilarious!

anywho, the day before yesterday i went to marys house. i got there around 4. so we just sat outside listening to cauterize like SUPER loud. then we started playing with the hose. so were squirting it towards the street like always, and i find these cards that were left outside since the last time i was there and they were sticking together because they got wet from rain and dried up together lol. so i was playing solitare when all the sudden the cards are like flooded with water! lol mary was playing with the hose and her feet and the water drained my way =o) so then we layed them down across the street to watch cars run over them and we taped it! then i did some jumps and mary taped them so i can see my week spots. well, my arms like either go too high or i let them drop, then when i concentrate too much on mmy arms, then i cant kick up my legs too high :o\ ill sget it soon. so were playing with the hose again, and these kids from next door are riding their bikes passed the driveway and are like "get us wet get us et!" there were three kids, 2 twins, 5yrs.-anthony, and "princess aurora" bat, i mean laura :oD and a 7yr. phoebe. she was cute, she was the best. so were like "ok well squirt ya!" so we squirt them.then we went to the mall to meet up with gordie and his friends. so we found them and we went to sears to get this kids stereo. then me and mary went home and watched ice age and cried at it :'o( lol then i went like one channel up, and theres porn! haha! so then were like watching it, and its so fake, the people werent even attracvtive at all! so then we were making fun of this movie for like 2 hours, then we went to bed. then next day we woke up at like 1and watched road rules until like 3 30. then we went to burger king and then i went to aj wright. i seen these jeans that i really want! theyre the snap down jeans by gasoline :o). so then i went thome.
today was the car wash for cheerleading at watmart on mckinley. we got there and then there was a power outage and they had to close the store. we got like $70 and there was like no business. brians mom was suposed to be there after she went to the res, but we left kinda early, so i called brians house to let them know. im supposed to go and get those jeans today :o\ my hopes are high.
i just downloaded AOL 9.0 Optimized. i havent gotten time to try it out yet. but it better be good, it took forever and a year to get it to finally download. :o\ im gonna go, i think im gonna tan outside for a bit

Current mood: calm
Current music: *c a u t e r i z e * . s o . f a r . f r o m . r e a l .
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Saturday, August 23, 2003

4:44AM

moan

You Are a Moan!


What Sex Sound Are *You*?

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tropical fruit lube



You Are Tropical Fruit Flavored Lube!


Pansexual, multi-talented, and sophisticated.

You are the flavor most likely to take the teacher role in sex.

You are the flavor least likely to shy away from weird sex acts.



Sound yummy? Get Tropical Fruit Flavored Lube Here :-)



What Flavor Lube Are *You*?

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small boobs



You Have Small Boobs!


What Type Of Boobs Do You Have?

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giving head



Your Tongue's Talent is Giving Head!


Your thick, wide tongue is the perfect size and shape for giving him pleasure. Not to mention, you know just how to work all the curves.



You'll do just about anything to make others happy, and when you're uncomfortable, you don't like to say so.



So that probably means your mouth is starting to get worn out. Slow down, and learn how to speak your mind!



You'd be most compatible with a Nipple Sucker. They're sure to give you the attention you so desperately need.



You've been giving everything for so long that you forgot what's it's like to be pleasured. It's time for you to lay back and get licked.



What's Your Tongue's Talent?

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tasty nipple



You Have a Tasty Nipple!


Your nipple tastes... great!

(Just like CHICKEN)



What Nipple Do You Have?

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You Are A Smart Driver!


Which Kind of Driver Are You?
by Don's Windshield Replacement

Current mood: exhausted
Current music: * fish tank air bubbles ¤ ma and dad snoring quite loudly*
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3:33AM

kiss my ass2
congratulations. you are the kiss my ass happy
bunny. You don't care about anyone or anything.
You must be so proud


which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Current mood: drained
Current music: mary opening my door behind me
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1:59AM - marys over =o)

hey since i stayed home tonight, i was bored and thought "hmm i havent seen mary in quite a while!" so i called her up to see if she wanted to come over. well, shes here now and we have been having so much f*ing fun! lol "fing fun! fing fun!" we played outside with ¤ cards and cars! poe poes and bub! cheers and chants! ¤ but it was all cool. we also took pics. =o) im gonna go and give mary a shot!

hello! i dont really wanna say much about what happend tonight, but i know when i go home ill write everything later. we had fun though. uumm..ok im gonna give it back to jeanna. l8ter

good call mary! hahah "lil lady" ~by patrick~ well, were gonna go and have some fun on this puter of mine! ::points finger and shakes head:: "not play like that naughty thinker!" lol im pretty hyper. ttul!

Current mood: bouncy
Current music: * my dad snoring really loud ¤ my sisters tv on max volume *
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Friday, August 22, 2003

9:42PM - ¤ c a u t e r i z e ¤

here are some random quotes from the cauterize songs that im listening to. i was supposed to go to brians house, but i guess im staying home tonight :o)

"morning always comes too quick when your around, when your around"

"tear me open at the seems, take everything you need. take my heart if you like my beat. take my lungs if its hard to breathe"

"wake me when its over, i dont feel much like crying tonight"

"tell me that your leaveing, i dont feel much like holding you tight"

"i love you even though i hate this thing that weve become, i need you, even though i could live without this"

"i know that i should probally hurt so bad, but i dont feel a thing"

"i know that i should probally say something, but i can barely breathe"

"Im sorry if im giving up too easy, but i just dont have the strength to fight any more"

ok im gonna go now bye bye

Current mood: bitchy
Current music: ¤ c a u t e r i z e ¤
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9:30PM - ¤ c a u t e r i z e ¤

here are some random quotes from the cauterize songs that im listening to. i was supposed to go to brians house, but i guess im staying home tonight :o)

"morning always comes too quick when your around, when your around"

"tear me open at the seems, take everything you need. take my heart if you like my beat. take my lungs if its hard to breathe"

"wake me when its over, i dont feel much like crying tonight"

"tell me that your leaveing, i dont feel much like holding you tight"

"i love you even though i hate this thing that weve become, i need you, even though i could live without this"

"i know that i should probally hurt so bad, but i dont feel a thing"

"i know that i should probally say something, but i can barely breathe"

"Im sorry if im giving up too easy, but i just dont have the strength to fight any more"

ok im gonna go now bye bye

Current music: ¤ c a u t e r i z e ¤
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2:40PM - ~ . : * : . ~ i M b A c K ! ~ . : * : . ~

why hello stranger! whats up? i ve been gone for so long, but i never forgot ya! i have so much to tell you.

¤aug. 5-7¤
cheerleading camp was so awesome, we won like all these awards and i got a chance to be in the NCA (National Cheerleading Association) but i decided not to because of all the $ and time and stuff. so i was pretty happy. i met this one girl there, Cara. she was amazing. lol she was outgoing and funny. shes coming to our homecoming game. she was the only one from another team who talked to us. we had a blast i cant wait to go back next year!

¤aug. 8-19¤
camping with brian was fun! we went to chitaqua lake. we went fishing, swimming, tubing, and had smores by the fire, and all was good... but... we had this terrible storm, it was here in buffalo too. but it was a terrible rain storm that flodded everything! it started to hail too! it was crazy. but we taped everything. on the 14 there was the "blackout of 2003" the worst blackout in history! all of chitaqua county and jamestown was out! it was fun i guess all of the east coast was out except buffalo! it was fun. we even went to the mall and out to dinner. we're gonna go back on labor day weekend for 4 days. cant wait!
i got the Cauterize cd, on the 19th right when it came out! wohoo! brian drove me to the mall, and they didnt have it, so i went to media play like 10 minutes before they closed and they had 6 left! im like fuck yeah baby! lol it was $9.88. im listening to it now :o)

¤aug. 20¤
cheerleading, and i got in trouble because i told cat and miss harting, but duh, they were both on vacation the same time i was gone. nikki was mad, but i have like 16 cheers and 5 dances to get down :o\

¤aug. 21¤
i was at brians aunts. (after that one storm this tree split in like 4 ways over the trails, so brian went to help cut it down) so i was there for a while, then came home checked mmy 400 and something emails and went to bed. oh yeah! i had to change my password cause something happened with the damn emails. it was crazy, now i have to remember it. o well.

¤today¤
i had cheerleading until noon, but like always i had to drive someone home. so i got home at like 1 30. then the phone rings and its this dude! "this is deanna" im like "umm" so deanna gets on the phone. "can we come see you we're at seneca and bailey" so im like "yeah!" lol so i talked to them until 2:30. my mom should be here any minute now because i have an eye doctors appt. its just down the street a little ways so it wont take long. tahnk god. i have to go to this ladies house to watch her kid... i need $ :o\ and i need to learn cheers with someone from my team. this would be me and brians ann. so we might get together if i have time =o/

¤tomorrow¤
i have to go to uncle kim and aunt debbies house for a bit of a reunion! :o) i cant wait, i havent seen them in forever!

¤but for now¤
ill go because i need food, and my mom will be here in a jiffy. my house *for some reason, not sure what* smells like Aunt Annie's Pretzles YUMMY!

Current mood: hungry
Current music: *Cauterize¤Promise.Me*
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Tuesday, August 5, 2003

12:45AM - ø º ° ` ° º ¤ ø E m O ¤ k I d ø ¤ º ° ` ° º ø











Current mood: amused
Current music: variou§ ¤§ave§TheDay¤ §ong§
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