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Bumblebee Tuna

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Wow that sucked some huge floppy bum. [01 Feb 2005|11:09pm]
Urgh. I'm done. Screw it. I can't even gather the energy to get something to wear for tomorrow. So, I guess I will go with just pants and a bra. That's an outfit, right? I have been typing for the last three-four hours. I honestly lost track. Why am I still typing? I guess I saw need to vent.

I realized today that I had a big paper I needed to write for Thursday. I couldn't figure out when I was going to find time to do it. Not to mention, that just didn't sound like fun. But, you know...because I am a social reject, I ended up with no plans since ya know...that would involve people actually wanting to come into contact with me. So, I tried to set to work on the massive paper. It didn't go over well. I couldn't focus on it, and didn't want to. I finally finished it and got it all printed out. Honestly, I'm more disturbed with the fact that I completly forgot about it until today. I was already turning in two papers for that class and three-four for another...and that assignment had seemed so far away. And then I was looking today...and I couldn't believe it. I'm losing my mind. Damn. I hate that.

I'm either dizzy and or my head is throbbing these days. Combine that crap with the occasional nauseated feeling I get sometimes, and I'm sure I am dying. I'm just so drained. I am so stressed. I don't know why. I have no freakin' idea and thinking about it just uses more energy. By the time I am completing things, I am sad to realize that I have little time or energy remaining to keep in contact with those that don't actively pass me during the week. It is an upsetting thing. I will explain by saying, my brain hurts....badly. I have some major skull pain occuring. Ow. Damn...I'm going to have to go to sleep soon...my brain says so.

The journal just tried to eat this and I was goin to forfeit, for I lack the energy to state again. I somehow retrieved it, even though my brain is mush.

Another major concern lately is my weight. I think my flabbiness has increased. I also think others, besides myself tend to be noticing. This techanically means I need to cut down eating and start walking my bum off again...which by the way is one place that does not shift...it remains flabby always. All well. This is made more difficult if not impossible by: the cold weather, lack of places to walk or companions to join me, my strong unwilliness to not set foot in a gym, and this constant hunger that has taken over me and making me feel nasty.

Um...okay, I feel bad...and I'm about to go into some sort of black out here on the keyboard...not from exhaustion...well, not directly. Basically, my head is spinning...or the room is...I'm not sure.

Kick Me In The Head

Hint to E-bay Sellers [29 Jan 2005|01:43pm]
Hey. If you want to sell me something, don't show me a nearly nude woman wearing it. That leads me to auctomatically think, "EW. That's dirty now. I don't want it. She probably has skank germs." Most of these are not their actual pics, but rather the stock photo. Yet, when the pics are stock photos, they are supposed to say, stock photo. If it doesn't, I will assume the above, "Ew, it's dirty."

If it does say stock photo, my view changes from "Ew dirty" to "Oh, this is skank clothing. That's how you're supposed to wear that sucker? I don't want to do that. Nah. I don't want it. No topless wear for me."

Seriously, it's girls' stuff, you think they would be trying to sell to girls. Maybe instead, they are aiming at guys to buy gifts for their girls. Do guys do that? Hmm...I don't know if they buy cute girly clothing items for their girl. But, they might be looking now that I have said this...you know...not to buy...but just to see the topless women showing off scarves and necklaces with their tops completly clear of animal products...or something. Grr...

I have suddenly made myself angry. I don't know. It just seems stupid. Why do men rule this world and how everything is seen and done? Is that just me? I think not considering how nude women are apparently everywhere in magazine and such at the whim of men. It makes me wonder, what is our place? Who decides our place? Then I think, perhaps I don't want to know the answer after all. And yes, shopping has led me to think about all this. So, don't call me narrow minded in any way. My mind is quite open and I look at the big picture a lot more than I should...and I see what others never see...and I ponder what others never want to hear...and I don't know why.

Rambling over. Perhaps a less confusing post later. I'm planning a sad post soon. Isn't that lovely?

Kick Me In The Head

"Leads you here, despite your destination." [13 Dec 2004|09:43pm]
[ mood | worried ]

Damn...it's cold. I mean...seriously..burrr... Aaaahhh..it's like that painful cold. Urgh. I wanted to stay snuggled in blankets all day...but people kept making me go outside. I have a theory...oh yes...and it's true. It only gets cold just so the weather can see how fast I run for warmth. Yes, that is because the weather is a cruel bastard who likes to play sick games. Bastard. The wind blows harder and colder and he's going, "Come on Jamie...you gonna run...run to your car. I'll get you to walk faster. Feel that? You better run. Oh, you sped up. Now, I'm gonna time you....how fast can you get there. Nope...you'll have to go faster than that. Taking bets. Who thinks she will make it under five minutes? She's has a really far way to go. Speedwalking! She's speedwalking! Okay, I think she'll make it in 6 minutes...anyone think longer? Less? Any takers? Oh...and now...sleet...look at her go!!" Grr... Yes, and the weather is a person...and it's probably a man.

Here's another thought, what if weather was controlled by the weather man. You know they are always messing crap up...predicting snow and rain when their isn't. So, I'd think we'd probably drown or something...or the ice age would return. Crazy weather people.

Oh, since I was wearing my coat today, I was thinking about zippers. This isn't weird, not really, cause the coat I was wearing...I had to have that zipper replaced. It was broken for a long time. So, it got me to thinking. We live in an advanced age. We have all sorts of crazy things...like machines to open tight jar lids...yeah..I know...crazy. And of course, computers, the internet, t.v., phone, dvd, not to mention all the add-ons and programs for computers. We just have all sorts of fun stuff...and for almost all things we have a way to fix things or an attempt to do so. Correct? If our computer crashes or it has a bug in it, we have it fixed. If something isn't working, we tried to get it fixed before we replaced it.

Now, go back to the zipper. If your zipper is broke, there is no fixing it. What does that mean?! We can fix all sorts of crap...easily. But, a zipper can not be fixed. No, it can only be replaced. So, suddenly when your zipper starts coming apart, all knowledge of how it works or how it was made goes out the window. You have two choices. 1) throw whatever possession it is out.
2) get the entire zipper torn out and replaced...it's usually a good idea to have someone else do this...it's a pain in the bum.

So, tell me...we can remove computer viruses without ripping the computer apart. But, when it comes down to a thin line of plastic or metal, we are clueless. We're all "It's not possible...the do-hickey...doesn't come together any more...no matter how much I pull. Super glue does not help. I think my zipper is possessed. I need an exorcist. Yes. The only way to solve this is rid it of its evil. It must go. I need a new one. Rip this sucker out." Yes...we suddenly go all hick when it comes to zippers...and it hurts my skull. Can no one find a simple solution that doesn't involve remaking the jacket or the purse/backpack? Really? Is it that complicated? Or do we think a zipper isn't worth or trouble? I'm telling you...zippers are really important. You'll figure that out when it's supposed to be holding in your wallet or helping to build a shield to keep you warm and it's not there. Not to mention...they are on our pants! Yes...they're important. They keep us covered and help hold our pants up. So, we should be looking into how to fix the little zipper problem...and all of it's teeth. Yet, when a zipper breaks, there is no apparent reason for it..it just no longer stays together. It looks fine. Which, is why we jump back to the "Get rid of it...it's possessed. The Devil!"

Later. I have homework/studying to do...hoping I can get one done.

Kick Me In The Head

"Nothing to do, Nowhere to go, I want to be Sedated..." [06 Dec 2004|11:42pm]
Actually....that sounds pretty good.

Urgh. Today was evil. My cat is still ill. I got a notice that something I ordered as a Christmas present isn't coming. Oh, yeah...and I got ill as well. I hate crap Mondays. I'll just blame the day. On top of everything, I am already a wreck. The end of the semester means to kill me and I have no urge to stop it...I'm tired. My goal right now is to make sure my kitty is okay and to not fail classes. By doing this, I've also become ill with worry...which seems to be separate from the above...I think. I'm just ill. Sleep sounds good. But, whatever. I'll sleep eventually.

I just turned the t.v. off. But, I was watching Mash. It reminds me of home, reminds me of my mama; makes me happy for a few. If I could pull aspects in my life together, I think it would be complete...maybe. But, my mama isn't here...nor my brothers, uncles, or Goomie. Coo isn't here. I'm missing connections...and it is all taking it's toll. It is all kicking my butt. One can only ask and expect so much from one person. And sometimes I'm so lonely and torn up inside that I just cradle myself, wrap up with big blankets, and cry into pillows. I miss my family. I miss my Coo. I think...I miss someone understanding. Don't get me wrong, I love you people...I just miss some others. They can't be replaced.

I was angry with the world today...I guess cause everything was sucking. I had the urge to shove my face into a pillow and scream. That sounded like fun. I thought I might bother my neighors. Hmm...I'm always considering others. Even though...my neighbors are bastards. They are either A) having loud stupid parties B) having loud stupid arguements with cussing and slamming doors or C) have loud sex with objects smacking against the walls. They have a complicated life...more-so than mine I think. They are always screaming at each other. I think their life revolves around hating one another and having sex to make up for it. They throw parties to cover over their disgust for their own lives. I'm probably wrong. They probably like sucking. Sucky people usually don't seem to mind being that way. Anyway, I feel sorry for them sometimes. I wouldn't want to live like that. No. I think I'll take my neurotic way. I handle that better anyway. I wouldn't be able to live like them. I can't take people screaming at me. It makes me want to sink into a corner, mushing myself, praying to become part of the wall. Yeah. Don't yell at me...bastards.

I'm done.

Hugs. Night.
Kick Me In The Head

Crazy dream [06 Dec 2004|10:27am]
I had a strange dream. I'm not sure I can make enough sense out of it to describe it. There was apparently some kind of scavenger hunt going on. However, there was something else going on before that. So, Dan and I were putting off the scavenger hunt. I can't remember what else was going on...but it was like some other game or program and we seemed to think it was cool. So, we started doing the scavenger hunt and caught several people rushing out of the woods with handloads of stuff and one person with a wheelbarrow full of stuff. Everything was hidden in the wooded area by the way...several of everything apparently. So, that was cool. Anyway, I found a few things and he found a few when we heard them taking count of everyone's findings up the hill. So, we figured it was over...and it was getting dark, so we understood why. However, the fact that it got dark and the stuff was in the woods...never occured to us till then...we thought we could just "look later". All well

The other parts of this appear to be separate little stories...but involving some of the same people. Then it skipped to some sort of old time battle. Think straw cottages and catapults with fire on them. So, yeah, people were running around screaming...and cottages were on fire. The largest portion of one side was huddled around this rather large cottage and trying to prevent it from burning. Someone else...I guess from the other side...wandered over there. He knocked me down, pinned me and was threatening me with his sword. Yes, there were apparently swords involved. Hmm.. He placed a slit, using his sword, across one of my cheeks and my chest. Then someone else came up from behind him and knocked him off of me.
I got scared and started running off attempting to find help. I ran to this large building....and now we switch to our time...so I'm thinking the whole battle might be some kind of reenactment gone horrible wrong. Or using the Standford Prision Study...you could say we became our parts. Anyway, I ran to this building and entered, screaming about what was going on and people being injured and everything. The people in there, thought me hysterical, and ignored me. I was going room to room trying to find someone who would listen. Then I seemed to wander in this morgue-looking room. That wasn't the best place to be. Though, instead of having the decreased in pull out shelves like you seen on t.v...the dead were resting on open shelves like shelves that you would get cans of food off of at the store. So, they were all visible, decaying, smelling, and stacked before my eyes. I was overwhelmed by the sight and with the idea that no one seemed to care what I had to say. And I passed out/fainted onto the floor.
Here, it seems to get really fun. So, I'm passed out on the morgue floor...right? Yeah. Someone comes in, finds me on the floor, and starts hauling me up. So, I'm thinking..."Someone that cares, woo." No. This person is under the impression that I'm deceased and somehow rolled off of my shelf or was laid aside and not properly shelved in the first place. So, he's all pissed off and hauling me up and towards this shelf. I start realizing exactly what is happening. Then I felt the cold metal shelf through my clothes. He had put me up there. My eyes flew open and I started screaming at him. I was screaming, "I don't want to be up here. I don't want to be on the shelf." He was freaked out at first. Then it gets weird and stupid.
He tried to convince me that as a deceased body, I need to be on the shelf. I go on to argue that I'm not deceased and that he has a screw loose. So, I slide down carefully off the shelf...quite disgusted. I try to tell him that I passed out. He seems to acknowledge this. As I head for the door, he stops me. He tells me that I can't just walk out, people will be suspicious...cause I'm not really supposed to be in there if I'm not a doctor or deceased.
So, he tells me there is a class of students, I suppose college students preparing to become doctors...and I just need to wait for them to fill the halls. For, he said, with all of them out there, they aren't going to notice me or which door I came from. I agreed and proceeded to hang out in the corner, furthest away from the bodies. He went ahead and left the room.
So, I'm in this corner, feeling disgusting being so close to dead bodies. And I notice this movement. This little girl emerges from behind some boxes and comes towards me.
She comes over to me, says nothing, but sits in my lap. So, of course, I start asking her questions. She didn't tell me her name, or I don't remember...whatever the case may be. Apparently, she was in the room under similar circumstances...searching for help. It appears her parents just kind of left her. So, I tell her that first, we need to get out of this room and I explained we were waiting for people to come out into the hall. So, we watched. The hall filled, and I grabbed her jacket, put it on her, picked her up and carried her out of the room. We mingled within the mass of would-be doctors and no one gave us any notice. So, we headed out the back door. This place, for some reason, had a playground...which we passed up but the girl stared longinly at the other children as though it had been decades since she played with another child.

I proceeded back to the battleground, just to see how things were going. Everything seemed fine. The fires were out. No one seemed majorly hurt and everyone was shaking hands. I found the dude that had attacked me, he appoached me and apologized. He asked where I went and said I had no right to be scared...he just got a little out of hand. Sure. Whatever. I told them I was going home. But, I didn't go home. I took the little girl out to tget some food as we talked stuff over. I was then trying to arrange my schedule...still thinking I had to go to work and class. I was trying to see how I could leave this 5-6 year old girl in my apartment. I didn't want to draw attention. I started explaining stuff to her and she seemed fully aware that I had stuff to take care of...but I didn't want to leave her there alone. So, I was left pondering about it. I listened as she described her parents...and I realized they sounded a lot like people I had met on campus. So, I sat...trying to figure out how to help this girl and what would be the best plan of action.

Is that crazy or what?

Kick Me In The Head

I own superman undies [05 Dec 2004|02:53am]
[ mood | icky ]
[ music | Santa Baby...for some reason ]

That really has nothing to do with anything besides the fact that I think it's cool.

I realize this journal is behind...so here's something new.

I found this...

It's the true story type rap of the chipmunks. Turns out, they are some kind of gangster..skanks. Hmm... In any manner, I would suggest checking it out. If you can pretend the video of the chick rubbing herself isn't there, the chipmunk video is kind of amusing. But, yeah, there's this video of this chick, fully clothed, just rubbing herself...and it's on loop or something. It annoyed the hell out of me...so I adjusted the screen so I couldn't see her. But, guys will probably find her to be hot or something...so...you guys suck. And I don't know that women, but she already annoys the hell out of me. All well. But, yeah...chipmunks.

I have this surging pain in my abdomen and in my right leg. This, combined with the fact that I had chest pain for about 13 hours straight on Monday, makes me think that I am falling apart. I am old. I should probably be writing a will or something. Hmm...
"I, Jamie, Hereby being in a sane mind...sort of, leave my debt to Nasty Tiffany, Skanky Jackie, Mrs. Cronin, Ryan F, the Hodgness, and JC. The largest portion of this debt should be handed out to Nasty Tiffany, Mrs. Cronin, Ryan F, and the Hodgness. JC should have the next largest portion of this debt due to the fact that he led me believe that I was a game to be played. So, for JC, here is a surprise in the game. I know how you like games. Enjoy. To Nasty T, Mrs. Cronin, and Ryan F...you have earned your spots in my recieving my debt for all of you made me hate life by turning mine into Hell for an extended period of time. May you enjoy my debt. Feel free to pay all at once...bastards. Hodgness, the gift of my debt comes to you because of your pure creepiness...and the result of such comments as "It's okay, I've dated virgins before." So, I give to you some debt and a last comment of "Stay away from me and my grave or wherever I am going." Skanky Jackie, as for you...you're skanky...and I didn't appreciate your effort of trying to make me skanky. Ew. No, sorry...I wasn't going to let some random guy lick my boob like you. Have some debt...perhaps it will distract you from your many diseases.
As for positive things, I leave all my hot undies and bras to the Coo. Wear them with pride. :) May I suggest the Superman undies Baby."

I don't really know about other stuff. Anything of worth would go to my mama...in an attempt to replace the financial strain I've been on her all my life. Urgh. My kitty would go to my brother Bill...because he's like the only other person in this world that she likes. :)

Don't know, but I think handing out my debt is a good way to start. ;) And...those people can have it. Haha. And then I would leave weird things...

"To Crappy P, I leave you one pink sock. If you have the capacity to be kind for one month, you will recieve the other sock, via mail. If not, you will never have the complete set...as these are socks are ones you can get nowhere else...and you will live the rest of your life in shame."

"To Druggie D, I leave you...drugs. Nope. Sorry. I leave you, my Druggie D Barbie with matching man skank." Oh yeah, my Druggie D Barbie and her man slut...are grand stuff. Seriously...I own a barbie that kind of looks like her. Coo was the first to notice..and it cracked me up. Great stuff. Which reminds me, I'd probably leave my barbies...the rest of them besides these two, to Coo. They are jolly fun. :)

Kay, that's all for now. I'll try not to ponder my slow decay. Urgh...I feel old.

Later Peeps. Have a fun night!!

Kick Me In The Head

A flower is worth a hundred sexy remarks. [21 Nov 2004|02:50pm]
I'm a sad being...or so it seems. Sometimes, I want flowers. I want flowers to be delivered with a cute little note. The reasoning? Well...just a "thinking of you" type thing. I don't know, I just think that would be grand. So, the thought as crossed my mind...many of time to buy and send flowers to myself with some adoring note. Here comes the problem...what the hell does one say one one's own note? Hmm... "wish you were here"..Hell no. Um..."Loving you always"...untrue. Um..."thinking of you."...well...kind of...but damn...that sucks. "To Brighten your day." Oh...that's kind of good. It would work I suppose. Flowers are expensive. I think the cheapest bouquet I found that you can get delivered is 29.95 or something...and that isn't including delivery. I was looking at this link: http://www.proflowers.com/freevase/index.cfm?REF=FGVMSNHotmailHome_ThkRoseFlash04Final

The Thanksgiving bouquet is gorgeous. I really want the flowers for the symbol or uplifting nature than for the flowers themselves. Yeah, it's the whole, "you were important enough to have these for no particular reason". It's a sexy thing.

Oh, and the thought crossed my mind to offer to buy Coo flowers and have them delivered to her. And in exchange, ask her if she'd buy me flowers. Then we wouldn't exactly be buying them for ourselves...and it would make us look cool. NO wait...not cool...what's the word I'm looking for...oh yeah, sad. That's a good word.

The only flowers I had delivered to me was by Coo's Stepbrother Jon. He paid and sent for them with one of his first paychecks. It was for my graduation. He caught me totally by surprise. Beyond that, I knew that boy didn't have any money. He had just started working. He never had enough food and his clothing was always in poor shape. He was such a nice guy. Now...I don't know. I'm assuming he still is...but apparently he's changed a lot and a lot of things his life are different now...and you never know. I haven't seen him in quite a bit.

I kind of got off subject. Getting flowers delivered is exciting. I wonder what happens if you're not home when they deliver. Do they leave them on the doorstep? Do they come back later? Do they have to come back the next day? If they come back the next day, do they have to replace the flowers? Do you have to pay to have the flowers to replaced? Do they suck like the post office and leave one of those stupid, "We tried to deliver, you were unavailable, please call to arrange pickup for your item?" Or maybe one of those cards that says, "1st attempt, next scheduled delivered 3 years from now?" I hate all those cards. I'd like to read a card that says, "Sorry we missed you. We suck. Please call us and tell us a good time to come and we'll be here. Promised and guaranteed. Have a lovely day." That would be wonderful.

I have a problem with both UPS and the Post Office, because they just come whenever. They often keep coming at the same time...even though you were't there the at that time when they came before. It's retarded. Oh, they might tell you that they will deliver around a certain time, so you make sure you're there. But, they don't come...and then you have to leave for work...and you have another stupid card on your door saying they missed you and will try to deliver one more time. Needless to say, if they won't leave the package, they won't let you arrange a time for it to be delivered. So, they waste their time trying to deliver it at times you know you won't be around. Idiots. Then...you get your last notice and have to track it down. You then find...for some reason...it is at the post office or UPS office at the other side of town. Why? Well...to be more inconvenient of course. This is especially meant as a "screw you"...when such a office exists just across the street or nearby on your side of town. Damn it. So, you have to get directions to get there and it takes more time...oh...and you get lost. Woo. This has been my experience. Please...just leave my mail and packages. Thank you.

Sorry...had to go off on that little rant. Those offices piss me off. Grr..they are evil.

Anyway, flowers are lovely and can mean sexy things. After Christmas, when I might actually have a little money...might have to send some flowers to Coo or myself. That would rock. :)

I'm fairly certain I'm supposed to be doing something. I get distracted easily.

2 Kicks| Kick Me In The Head

Random quizzes [15 Nov 2004|11:29pm]
This is odd.

You are Mary Bell.
You are Mary Bell. At the ripe old age of 10 you
strangled a neighbor boy, afterwhich you carved
your initals into his skin. At his funreal you
laughed. Your next victim was a 3 year old. You
pushed him off the roof, resulting in a broken
skull. After he was found you went to his
mothers house and asked to see him, she replied
tha t he was dead. You smiled brightly and said
'Oh, I know he's dead. I wanted to see him in
his coffin."
You horrid little girl you.
-smacks your hand-

Which Imfamous criminal are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Green is your Lightsaber's color.

Green is the color of nature. It symbolizes growth,
harmony, and freshness. Green has strong
emotional correspondence with safety. Green is
also commonly associated with wealth and
happiness, so someone with a green lightsaber
like yourself is a fortunate soul.

What Colored Lightsaber Would You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

You're Brigitte Bardot!

What Classic Pin-Up Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your like an angel. You pocess love and bring love
to any thing or person. You love being
yourself. Even though your cute or not. I think
your just awesome. Like you are peace:)

What Type Of Girl Are You???(Amazing Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

harry potter

!!**_WHAT_MOVIE_R_U_FROM_**!!with Pics
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Sir Bedevere! Wise and creative, you are able to counsel others as well as come up with some really ingenious plans of attack...sort of.
You are Sir Bedevere! Wise and creative, you are
able to counsel others as well as come up with
some really ingenious plans of attack...sort

Which Monty Python & the Holy Grail Character are you REALLY?
brought to you by Quizilla

Bedevere rocks some bum. "...and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana shaped."
Kick Me In The Head

Some stuff [09 Nov 2004|10:26pm]

You Are a New School Democrat

You like partying and politics - and are likely to be young and affluent.

You're less religious, traditional, and uptight than most Democrats.

Smoking pot, homosexuality, and gambling are all okay in your book.

You prefer that the government help people take care of themselves.

Kick Me In The Head

Fill In [08 Nov 2004|07:39pm]
[ mood | calm ]
[ music | chewing of gum and typing of keys ]

OKay, what happened on Wednesday and Thursday? To put it quite simply...I lost my skull...again...and hard. It was horrible...probably one of the most horrible cases of skull losing I have encountered. Wednesday brought about me hating everything...especially myself. Early Thursday the feeling hadn't passed. I still felt tore up inside...yet couldn't clearly express any of it.

So, Thursday I was planning to cut everything...sever connections...in an last attempt to save myself. I was planning on attempting to become a cold hearted bastard. I guess...politically I would be a cold hearted bitch since I am a woman. However, I do not use the word bitch...I don't like it. I do like calling people bastards however. So, yeah...don't ever call me a bitch. If you must use such usage...use the word bastard.

Anyway, I felt clammy and dying inside...not as painful anymore. My body had accepted the death and was swallowing the last of the bitter poison. I didn't want to give of myself anymore. I didn't want to be. I was ready to cut off all emotions...not happy about it...but understood that it seemed vital.

I planned to still function...but on a lesser level. One where I wouldn't say I'm sorry, wouldn't say how much I care. I would just be.

But, something happened. One: I realized I would never be able to do this. I work off of emotions...so they are my high of highs and my low of lows. So, I was busy trying to pull together another way to do this...and the only think I could come up with was drug related...involving the use of medications. But, this too made sense, and I was ready to drink myself into some of pit....I didn't like the idea of puking for days however.
Two: I found it is possible for my affections to be returned. So, I abandoned the whole idea of numbing them away. Instead, I continued to freak out a bit...all the while confused, doubting, and hoping I wasn't dreaming.

But, now I seem to be alive again...and in a state I have not experienced before. I'm still waiting for shock to
reside with every breath. But, the point is...I am breathing...and I am feeling well. Yes, I can't normally say that...ever. But while dazed, I am smiling on the inside.

In other news, take the quiz to find out what kind of disease you are. This one came out differently than my other online journal....but it was caused by satan too. Woo.

Um...yeah...does that explain anything? It probably doesn't...but whatever. Long story short...I went insane, wanted to die, found reason not to, am feeling somewhat pleasant...and it's odd...but good.


Kick Me In The Head

Wow...look at that. [07 Nov 2004|07:30pm]
What kind of disease are you?


beastofburden is caused by Satan.

An infection of beastofburden will cause you to become a Jedi.
To cure beastofburden, wear a hat made of hamsters whenever you leave your home.

What kind of disease are you?


bumblebeetuna is caused by sponges.

bumblebeetuna: A case of bumblebeetuna will cause you to seek out beanie babies as ammunition for a 'bean-induced death ray'.
To cure bumblebeetuna, bathe in Nair.
Kick Me In The Head

"WISH I KNEW WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING FOR." [03 Nov 2004|07:03pm]
"I think about loveless fascination under the milky way tonight."


I've gone insane once more. It happens from time to time. I hate it. It involves me thinking I'm a worthless fly. I hate flies. Gnats are worse...maybe I'm a gnat. I don't know. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.

I've been taking pics...unsmiling ones. I just like to take pics. I play with them...and I'm a willing subject. But, I have no reason to smile when I'm not happy. Perhaps my smiles are wasted. I want to talk...yet can't. Besides I should be studying so I feel I shouldn't call anyone. I also now believe that no will ever understand. Therefore, I wonder why I have a voice. Does it do me any good to have one? I'd like to think it does...but I'm not sure.

Why do I feel this way? Well, it's usually mounted reasons that just explode after awhile. I'm not important. I suppose I'm just being arrogant to want to be important...to have a reason. I should stop it. And I'm sure everyone is tired of my so called complaining...but I figure...hey...no one is reading anyway...so I'll just complain to myself. There is nothing wrong with that.

My apartment smells funny...like something lingering in the air. Maybe it is filling up with some kind of gas. Women are supposed to be able to detect such things better than men. Maybe I won't wake up. Wouldn't that just rock?

Hmm...okay happier note...well sort of. Food is expensive. So I've decided I should live off gum. I'd save so much money!! Whoa. And then I'd have bragging rights. Ya know..."Hey, I spent .25 cents on lunch today." That would be sooo cool! Too bad I can't find gum filling...even if I swallow it. Damn.

I don't want to really get into the politics matter. Just let me say that all people that voted for Bush are stupid. Sorry if you were one...but, what the hell were you thinking?! My professor's view on it was, "I don't know why anyone is going to vote for Bush. But, he is going to win. I mean, the reasons why he shouldn't are right in front of everyone. So, he'll win." People are stupid. But, I figure the world is probably going to hell....now we'll have someone to blame. Meanwhile, I'm going to ignore all I can of the matter.

I need to attempt to study.

I might be posting some poetry soon...maybe.

5 Kicks| Kick Me In The Head

"She hitched a ride to misery." [02 Nov 2004|11:59pm]
It's strange...not funny really, but strange. I can be going along almost happily...like I am smoothly riding a bike. However, the smallest thing drops me...like I ran over a pebble on my bike. I go skidding. I can't hit the brakes fast enough. I hear a scream in my head. I feel the crash. I drag myself up, gathering my limbs...some detached. I crawl...I claw to retrieve everything. I try to put my pieces back together, but they won't go. I sit, apart, bleeding. I wonder who is to blame. Should I blame you? Should I blame others? Is it me? I don't know. I wonder who threw the rock...who wants to hurt me so...who wants to see me suffer. I work to jab knives into my flesh like fastened safety pins to hold my flesh together once more. I can't move my limbs.. I can't breathe. I lay down and accept my fate.
Kick Me In The Head

"I just don't understand how you can smile with all those tears in your eyes." [02 Nov 2004|12:05am]
I'm about to go to bed...although I have not accomplished something very vital today. I mean...I really needed to accomplish this one thing...but it didn't happen. And I wasn't being lazy. I'm worn out. I was busy finishing one assignment, I didn't get to the other...and I didn't get to the study material. I'll try again tomorrow...and if I fail, I will deal with it early on Wednesday. That is probably what I will do.

Today, I was nice...or stupid, it depends on the point of view. I found some cash on the floor. I didn't know who dropped it. I didn't see anyone drop it. However, I picked it up. I saw the dudes that were standing in that point moments ago. I didn't know if they dropped it or not, but I kind of figured they did. After all, cash doesn't stay on the ground long. So, I walked towards those dudes. They were in line waiting to get food. I saw one of the guys fantically searching his pockets. I watched him pull at this pocket over and over again...trying to find money that wasn't there. I knew he was the one that dropped it. I returned it to him. He looked at me fully. I mean...with all his being....like he really saw me...like he was peering into me. It made me a bit uneasy. But, he said, "Aw...thank you." And it was the way he said it. He really meant it. And somehow his look made me a little uneasy but glow at the same time. I wanted to take his look and bottle it. That way, I could release it and it could cheer me when I am sad. You know for that moment I meant something. It was nice. I mean, it seems like a very small thing...but I gave this dude his dinner back. He was freakin' out. I think that was probably his only cash. That makes sense, after all...he is a college student. I know I surprised this dude...that was in his look too. He was shocked that I was returning his money. As I walked away, I could still feel him and his friends looking at me. I could almost hear their thoughts in my head. "That weird girl gave you your money back." "That was strange." "She had a funny umbrella." "I can't believe she did that....I would have kept it." "Hmm..maybe she'll let me borrow some money."

Okay, I made the last one up, but the others were running through my head. haha

My skull hurts. I also returned a girl's ID card to her. Well...at least I didn't have to hike my bum through the rain to the security building to turn it in there. Cause...I tend to do those crazy things. I know! What's my deal??!!

I also spent a masive amount of time typing a paper....sad thing that was the easier paper. I still need to deal with a research paper. *sigh* Anyway, I typed on it from about 2 1/2-3 hours. I'm not exactly sure...but it was inbetween there. I typed almost twenty pages. That probably makes me a slow typer or something...but damn...I was tired of doing it...and my hand hurt. I was all...blah blah...he said, she said....hurry the hell up. Urgh.

Oh, a sidenote...I don't like people that ignore signs that say, "TO USE THIS LAB YOU MUST SIGN IN AT DESK." Seriously, they walk right past it. Then it pisses me off more cause they see other people signing in...and they are all, "Maybe I won't have to. Maybe they won't notice. I know...it will kill me to write me name on a piece of paper." It's just their name...but some people really freak out about it. I've gotten things like, "Do I have to sign that?" "What's that for? Why do they want to know? I'm not using the computer, I don't really need to do that do I? I'm just coming in for a minute." I mean, what the hell, you write down your name...that's all. People are not going to track you down and be all, "why were you at this lab at this time?!" Hey...it could serve as an defense if needed. "See...I signed in...I was in the lab at that time." Sorry I had to rant about that. Really, people don't dare act like you can't read. Somehow you're using that computer, I don't think reading is a problem. I've thought of changing the sign to "Sign in or get punched in the face and get out." That would rock.

Um...sorry about that.

I'm sleepy.
Kick Me In The Head

Creepy Dream [01 Nov 2004|10:40am]
I'm mighty tired. My attempts to sleep were ruined by my cat, class scheduling, and creepy dreams. Urgh. I'm about to go shower now that I have no more time to spare to nap. *sigh*

My dream....well, I was at this resturant and it was all fine. I hung out there for awhile. Then I returned later with my boyfriend.....they were supposed to be closed, but we found the door unlocked. So, we entered. We sat down at a booth. I think we went there to makeout in a forbidden type place or something. You know how these horror things occur. Well we were at a booth, when someone came around the corner and scared the hell out of us. It was the owner or manager or something. His clothing was a little ripped. He didn't look mad at us being there...just freaked out. He was asking how come we didn't notice. I said "Notice what?" He led us around the corner and we saw the whole end half of the resturant was filled with just bodies of customers and employees a like. They were all dead with torn clothing and blood coating the floor. At first I thought the manager went mad and killed everyone...but he explained that someone had been in there. Someone had killed all these people...and for some reason let him live. He didn't see this person...just the shadow...and heard the horrible screams. At first he was afraid we were the killers and had returned for them. He quickly put this to rest when he saw us...explaining, you could "feel" the evil from the person that did it.

So, my bf and I left the resturant. He started to drive me home. I was glancing out the window and saw that red shirts, jackets, and assorted clothing lay everywhere. It was spread across the bushes, sprawled across the landscape, it was all I could see on the grass for miles. I became alarmed and pointed it out. My bf and I put together from this that the killer was killing anyone sporting red clothing...epecially jackets. I looked down at my own jacket. It was red and black plaid. I started to unzip it. My bf said, "Yeah, better get rid of it now." I removed it and tossed it out the window....saying I never liked it much anyway. I tried to get him to remove his...it was red as well. He said something like, "But, I'm chilly right now...I really like this jacket...it's the only one I have..." and "It will be fine."

He dropped me off at my place. I saw him turn his coat inside out. It was black on the otherside and happened to be reversible. He showed me to comfort me. Then he left, driving back to his house. Then I got a camera view of him in driving in his car. The corner of his jacket has turned up, exposing a red flap. Then the view flashed to the bushes. A woman in a dark outfit and cloak stood there surrounded in the red clothing and smiling as she watched my bf's vehicle pass.

Then my alarm went off. It made me very concerned about my bf as well. *sigh* Damn creepy dream. Well, I need to get ready for class.

Kick Me In The Head

Quiz fun [31 Oct 2004|11:45am]
For his death no wind of blame shall breathe

How Am I Going To Die?
brought to you by Quizilla

Sister. Your the kind of girl that guys like to be
around, but infourtunatly, they only see you as
a buddy, or like their sister. If this is how
you like it, rock on. But if you would like to
maybe deepen a relationship beyond just
friends, try sending subtle hints. be careful
not to throw yourself at him, and scare him
away. It may take awhile, but you've already
got the foundation for a great relationship.
your friends, and that is most important to
build from.

How do guys feel about you? (girls)
brought to you by Quizilla

You are mysterious love. You wants things to be a
bit deeper, a bit more emotional. You want to
explore, to try more things. You don't want to
settle for just one good thing. Your love is
mixed messages.

What kind of love are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your kind of beauty is mysterious. You are not a
very open person so you can be hard to figure
out. Some people would say ALL girls are this
way but your mysteriousness is intriguing and
makes people want to find out more about you.
Your beauty is like a pair os eyes. So pretty,
so deep, and yet they hold so much emotion that
you have to look hard to see. You're pretty
intoverted so you talk a lot less than some of
the people you might know and when you do it's
probably very soft and calm. You don't really
like the way you look but trust me, you're
beauty is special and desirable. (If you can't see
the pictures, go to my profile and look near
the very bottom)

What kind of beauty should you have? (girls w/ pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

You're an Autum. You're much more laid back then
most and you're very comfortable in new
situations. You rather let things go with the
flow than try to change them. You have a lot of
close friends who love you because you can help
them with their problems. You're a very patient
person and it take a lot to get you rattled.
You're deffinately a lover not a hater. (If you
can't see tje pics, go to my homepage and look
near the bottom and find your result)

What season are you? (pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

You represent... loneliness.
You represent... loneliness.
Always alone and always sad about it... unlike
angst, you don't have to look for a reason to
be miserable. You want to be in the company of
people but aren't sure how to act when you're
with them. Sometimes you have to make an
effort. You can't always wait for others to
come to you.

What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla

Let us put our heads down and be gloomy around you.
You are one morbid, perhaps depressing
character. Your dark mind causes you to talk
about things of the same subject. Others
(myself included) may not mind your talk and
find it interesting to talk to you since death
is just a natural thing. Yes, death fascinates
you, but there is no need to keep bringing it
upon people about their own demise. You may see
life as just a phase we go through before we
die. You may even think of what your funeral
will be like. You are not a depressed person,
although that's a possibility. But yeah, you
could be an outsider and have your own strange
friends. Happy Halloween though, Bleak One.

What Halloween Figure Are You? (MANY RESULTS WITH SIX ALL NEW ONES!!)
brought to you by Quizilla



face="Monotype Corsiva"
color="#663300">Your Beauty lies
in Plain Sight.

color="#663300">Plain, simple and the
girl next
door. People tend overlook you as you are the
"normal girl", but you're actually
very beautiful. And you have plenty about you to
set you apart, but more that
lets you blend. People love the stability you have
because as others may come
and go, you will always be there and you may always
be the same. You like simple
things and that's what people like about you. You
most likely enjoy things most
consider normal, like movies, shopping, that sort
of thing and are very friendly
and probably have many friends. You are sweet and
kind and that shows on you,
but you're also strong and not very naive. You're a
rather well-rounded
individual. Even though some people pass you off as
just another girl, shrug it
off because they don't know what they're

face="Monotype Corsiva"
color="#663300">face="Monotype Corsiva"
color="#663300">Some Things
That Represent You:

face="Monotype Corsiva"
Earth, Light Animal: Cat Color:
Pinks, Blues, Browns Song:
Girl Next Door by Pilot Expression: Simple

face="Monotype Corsiva"
Alexandrite Mythological Creature: Fox
Demon, Hobbit Sign:
Tauros Planet: Jupiter Hair
Light Brown Eye Color:

face="Monotype Corsiva"
"To the world you may be one person, but to
one person you may be the

Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Amazing Pictures And Ten Detailed Results::..
brought to you by Quizilla
Kick Me In The Head

"Give me Novacaine." [31 Oct 2004|03:20am]
I meant to post several times. But, things seemed to have another thing in mind. On Wednesday I was in major pain...clutching my gut for hours until I fell asleep. Why? I'm not sure...it happens time to time...has for a long time...years. Yes, I've seen a doctor about such things...and it seems to be in my genetic makeup to be in lots of pain. It sucks a lot. I don't much care for doctors either..and I hate pain. Anyway, I couldn't even sit to type...so it wasn't going to happen. Though, I was fine if I was laying down. Luckily, the pain had left when I awoke. Nice. It hasn't returned so I'm thrilled.

Beyond this...I've been madly busy yet still. I can't remember crap either. I keep forgetting to do an assignment. I really must do it tomorrow. I'm ready for the semester to end...not like next will be better...but I'm ready for this to cease. I'm about to sign up for classes...Monday I hope....if all goes well.

I'm sleepy. I'm about to rest...at least I hope.

Colly went to Chicago. I haven't gotten details...though she stated she would like to talk to me...and I have been unable to get ahold of her. Therefore, I believe she doesn't want to talk to me that badly. I've now left her two messages....so yeah.....I guess she wants me to shut up...or she changed her mind or something. I'm unsure, but I'm not into such games...it comes off hurtful.

In other news..HALLOWEEN...COSTUMES....CANDY...AND DRUNKEN PEOPLE. That's right. I witnessed all already. Good fun. Personally, I feel the drunken people are kind of scary after awhile. I also think I ate too much candy...but I'm a sucker for chocolate. All well.

10 Kicks| Kick Me In The Head

"Someday you will ache like I ache." [25 Oct 2004|10:30pm]
Hmm...I'm cold. Damn it. I also got slammed with a ton of homework today...it will only get worse at the week progresses and next week will be even worse. Grr..

I feel large. I think I should stop eating for awhile or something. My stomach feels flabby. I wonder if I have fallen into that eating to cope thing or something. That tends to be a techinique that girls usually use. I never have...I usually did the opposite. However, I feel old so maybe my techniques are changing to make things crappier. I don't know. *sigh*

Oh, I must say though..I like to look at couples on campus. When I say this I'm not talking about couples that are trying to get it on in front of me. Cause...ew. I don't want to see that. However, the couples holding hands and being romantic...it's so grand. It's beautiful really...well, sometimes...it depends. Some couples it is beautiful...it one of the people annoys me though...it's all shot to hell. Anyway, like I was saying, I like to see them hold hands and walk together to class. They hold each other like they wouldn't know what to do without the other person's hand there. That is lovely.

I especially love it when the girl is looking up at the guy like he is all she sees. There is a glow around them when this happens. They are in a bubble. They see nothing else. They look at one another like that person is there all....the meaning of life. It is so beautiful.

However, when the girl looks at the guy like that...and he doesn't return it, I hate that. When he looks away or stares at her with a disapproving look....urgh. I want to go over and bust him in the balls...that's right...just knee the hell out of him until he is crying and screaming, "Who the hell are you? What did I do?" But, yeah know, the girl would understand and she'd probably smile. Guys probably won't understand that. But, that girl is giving of herself and he isn't...and he quite possibly is rejecting what she is giving...so he deserves it.

So, you are all thinking I'm horribly vicious now. No...I'm seriously not. I am basically the opposite. I think these things. I don't do them. I just wish there were some kind of justice for such things...and such people.

So, who am I? Well, I'm the girl who gives a dollar to some dude I don't know. I'm the girl that spends my own time making something to hang up in a classroom. I'm the girl that takes extra time to walk to the security building every week to turn in student IDs that students keep leaving in computer labs. They keep doing it to...stupid people...hang onto your card. But, even so, I keep doing it, for I know that if I were that person I'd freak out and want access to my card so I take it to available place so it doesn't get lost or stolen. I'm the girl that plans my schedule around everyone else's...even if it makes my schedule suck. I'm the girl that thinks my mom is the greatest person in the world. I'm the girl that gave away a poster, seconds after I won it cause someone else really wanted to have it. Yeah, that's me.

That's all.

Kick Me In The Head

"I am my own worst enemy." [24 Oct 2004|06:54pm]
[ mood | okay ]
[ music | Twiztid-Afraid of Me ]

I know I haven't updated much lately. I also haven't spoken to people a lot. My apologies on both. I've been supa-busy...and no I'm kidding. I have also been mighty stressed out...due to appointments, tests, papers, and my own personal breakdowns added on top. Also, I've been trying to get my schedule figured out for next semester. I'm getting there...haven't quite got it figured out yet. I'm going to have less time then...I'm adding a class and still trying to fit work in. It's crazy. Blah.

Okay, as you can see, I was attacked. Yeah, I was bit by a vampire. He missed my neck though...I think he must of been far-sided or something. I don't know, but he bit my hand. So, I died anyway. Now, I've been trying to cope with the whole...undead thing. It's adding to my stress.


Later and Goodnight.

Kick Me In The Head

"I'm a loser and a user so I don't need no accuser" [24 Oct 2004|03:13am] [24 Oct 2004|01:25pm]
I'm tired and soon to sleep. I just felt bad. I haven't posted most of the week. Apologies. I've been supa busy. Any point when I wasn't busy, I was worrying about rushed and hurtful thoughts. Hmm... At one point, I'll admit, I was ready to just give. I was just tired of everyone fighting me, tired of everything. I'll admit it, when it comes down to it, I'm a wimp. Giving up just seems so much easier most of the time. I can't really explain it, but I admit it. I'm fragile...and it sucks. However, if I were otherwise, it would probably change me and then I'd completly hate myself. Though, if I were able to be different in that area and be okay with it and not freak out about stuff...that would rock. I still want to be understood. Understand me. I'm my biggest critic. When the world is silent about me, I just assume the worst. I'm tired. I'll try to post again tomorrow.

Good Night.
Kick Me In The Head

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