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Below are 25 recent journal entries, after skipping 25

	2009.06.09  00.53 when will you learn love is for everyone else but me. I caught myself thinking, Id put your name on me. ..... Empty banners, Empty heart.

	2009.06.07  21.59 still nothing Im trying way to hard, even when I dont try at all. What a fucking jerk.

	2009.06.04  03.57 "Would you always Maybe sometimes Make it easy... Take your time...I told you I would stay." Ok so this is fucked up but you know what, honestly Im fucking sick of it. Im thinking of writing you but I prob wont. If I do Ill clean it up so that I look like a fucking sucker so you can roll your eyes and throw it away, and continue thinking Im a pathetic sap. Hopefully it makes you feel better. Youre being mean. I know you probably are battling the "how do I continue to talk to this person who I think of as an amazing friend, but not give them the wrong idea," kinda thing that I am, but mostly youre just being cold, and in turn youre kinda coming off as a bitch. I know just as well as you that this is weird, and I know that you know that Im completely in love with you, to this day, so you probably act like that because thats how you deal with it. Whereas im inviting you to hang out as much as possible because I genuinely enjoy your company. I dont think of it as "lets try and trick her into hanging out with me so she can miss me and we can get back together," bullshit. Im not a teenager. I still wake up everyday and hope its the day you wake up and realize you have someone who loves you for you and you make the decision to work it out with me. Frankly it hasnt happened yet, and as much as it hurts to think about, I dont think it is going to happen. Youre moving out to get away from me, to get away from this because you dont know how to go about it, and I think you may be listening to advice from everyone and their mother who says (ironically,) to drop me like a bad habit and move on with your life. I dont blame them but at the same time they dont know a god damn thing about me and you know me inside and out. Its an internal struggle, I know, but my friends are your friends and they support me in anything I do and Ive been getting a lot of support as well as good feedback, because they know and love you too. I get the fact that I may have run through my rope and you might just be done, emotions aside. I get that. I know what youre going through, Im doing it too, but at the same time I have no idea how you are going through it, and it makes this that more complicated. I have a drug problem. Its taken me ages to get to this point, and Im sorry I ever even argued with you about it in the least. That was me blaming you when I should have blamed myself. I cleaned up fairly easily, but around the convention, especially after the dui thing and when you stopped sleeping here a lot, I was crushed. Slammed back down to just a sad excuse for a human being. In May I struggled with doing oc again on and off, stopping around your graduation the I believe (which killed me that I had to miss,) the week before I got fired when I was sick. When I felt the most down and disconnected to you I would go back to it. It never made me feel better, It made me sleep, which I needed, mostly to help pass time to forget I was nothing to you again. Its a bullshit excuse, but I made the attempt the first time and was successful for about a month before I hit it again, although not everyday, still wasnt good for me at all. Ive been off for almost 3 weeks now and Im feeling pretty good but those bad days make me want It again, just to sleep and forget my life, so ive mostly been taking suboxin preventative more than actually needing it, and not everyday. I never claimed to be sober this whole time but overall, minus 3 weeks (on and off) or so Im making a pretty good run for the last 3 months. Im doing it because I cant afford to be anymore distracted from my work and overall goals which is to get fucking amazing and travel, probably move to the east coast within 4 years, maybe san fran within the year to 2 years. I am moving up quite fast now actually. Im hitting it hard and drawing like mad, actually getting pretty awesome. Point is I now recognize it as poison and its not a part of my life because it keeps me from my goals, financially, as well as mentally, and I dont want to become that person again. I lost too much time already, and I know how fast I move up when its not around. It took me to figure that out, to make that change. I know Im at the point that I can have some and not have to do it everyday after that like last time, but Im not really taking risks right now and I think maybe some more time under my belt might be the smart thing to do. I hang out with steffan and his gf and they do it all the time, and lots and it doesnt really even bother me even. I know Im making progress but I know the dangers and Im sorry to have ever doubted any concerns you may have had. I know you had my best interests at heart. You loved me. I digress, you dont know what Im doing all the time, I can assure you Im not robbing liquor stores or doing drive bys or fucking randoms. Before I left Tower I was working a lot, or just crashing at Michelles a lot or hanging out with her at her house when I wasnt home. Now Im legitimately at work for 15+ hours everyday now busting ass. I think it took those hours to insure that I was in an environment that gives me no choice but to do art or make money. Even if I dont tattoo I have 3+ new drawings when I walk out the door every night and that feels great. I need structure. Its killing my social life but I learned that the dedication that's needed to become good (hopefully great,) faster. Its hard on my back, on my neck and on my sleeping patterns but I feel good about the direction Im headed. I know it would be bullshit to try to explain to you how I think Im a different, better person again, the person I know I can be, the person I used to be, but I am. I dont think that matters to you now. Im sure youre glad for me but I think I might have hurt you pretty bad and it seems to me no matter what I do, I dont think youll ever really forgive me for that. I understand this is your post school, party all the time, meet new people, fuck strangers, rockstar phase (Ive been there, trust me it gets old fast,) and if you go to sleep every night after hanging out with your friends, or co workers, and having a great time, and you feel good about yourself then I think that you found happiness, and Im glad for you. If thats what you need right now in your life, more power to you. If you go to sleep and you dont like that feeling, or what you have accomplished that day, then I highly suggest you re-evaluate your situation and your own goals. Thats just not me right now, and maybe its good that we did break up, I got my shit together and now more than ever, Im pretty serious about becoming a great tattoo artist, and getting the fuck out of here and nothing is going to slow me down anymore. Im sad that it seems that I lost your love, you are really all I could ever look for in someone to love, youre still perfect to me, but it seems like youve got your own agenda now, and if youre not letting me, or any chance of us stop you, I cant really afford to anymore either. I know it might sound like a bullshit thing to say after all that shit you had to put up with in the past but, I dont have the drugs to worry about and Im thinking clearer now. Shook off the haze in my brain and this is who I am now. This is who I was before I got side tracked. Im sorry that you were subjected to that, I wish to God I could take that away from your memory, and that I could have gotten it together earlier, in time, but I really feel I have a lot to offer now, again. Point of the story is that I love you. You still have my heart. You always will but Im going to be the best at this and Im going to come up fast, and I would love nothing more than to have you beside me the whole rest of the way up. You can believe that there is nothing stopping me anymore, except the sickness of being away from you. The feeling that it was all my fault. Well it wasnt. I know that now. It was equally both our faults for not communicating before it all exploded. The drugs probably didnt help the lack of communication, but still our heads were all distracted. I knew though everyday no matter what, that I loved you, and you loved me, and that it was a big deal. I dont know what you feel anymore, I think you know how I feel, but I dont know what youre looking for, I dont know what you want, I dont know really where you are headed, or what your goals are if you even have any. I do know that I cant afford to be sick anymore. I cant afford to keep putting myself out there because I still feel crushed when you answer me short in texts, say you want to hang out and then go to bed early, when you stay up really late with other friends every other night. I dont get off of work before 12am anymore, sometimes later if were busy, I had to pull some major strings to get off early at all and I dont know when the next time I will be able to do that again. If you didnt think you could stay up to chill I could have stayed at work, visited my family, or other friends that I havent seen in a while that legitimately enjoy my company and want to chill. I love hanging out with you. I would do anything to see you more, but I cant afford to get hurt anymore. I need to eat, I need to sleep and this is not helping. Im sorry baby, but you dont want me back, its not the other way around. I just dont have time to play around anymore. I love you with all my heart. I want nothing more than to meet half ways and fix this. I have friends that will drop shit for me in a heart beat and love to be around me, friends that make the effort, and if we cant be lovers, and we cant be friends, darling I cant do this anymore. I love you with everything I have, to this day, but my body and mind are tired, so tired. I want another chance but its still your move doll. Otherwise, this is not beneficial to me. Im going to have to tell you goodbye in the middle of the month when you move, I just dont know what kind of goodbye it is yet. Music: two weeks - grizzly bear

	2009.05.30  05.09 im a fucking moron I sound like such a fucking sucker. What a loser. why am I so sad? I like to think Im crazy in love. I think Im just crazy. What a creep...

	2009.05.30  04.34 out of reach telling everyone about us only makes me wish we were together more. Everyone just keeps telling me how it wasnt a big deal. everyone keeps telling me they knew it anyways. everyone keeps telling me to give you space and that youll just cool off and well get back together, and not to stress about it. I want to believe that. I want to think thats whats going to happen. I want to go to sleep with that in my head, and not wake up every other hour, violently throwing up at the thought of never holding you, or kissing you, or sleeping next to you, or laughing with you, or feeling your skin, or holding hands, or cuddling, or anything else. I want to know. I wish to god I could just know that. I miss you so much I feel like half a person. Im doing all of this stuff for me, Im not looking for any rewards or any pats on the back, but Im wanting you back every second of it. But you dont give me a hello most days what hope is there? You didnt even tell me whats wrong. Just done. Im still finding out some of the issues you had from other friends. Not fair. This is too big to be this unfair. Everyone keeps telling me what a beautiful girl you are, and how nice and cool you are and how cute we are together, I KNOW ALL OF THIS and it makes me want you so badly I feel like crumbling into a ball and dying. I miss your smell and your touch. I miss your hugs. I miss you. Im sorry I couldnt do this earlier, but it seems like such a waste that everyone knows now and I cant kiss you in front of everyone, or fall asleep next to you, or cuddle or do any of that shit. I can tell everyone I hang out with is subconsciously introducing me to their guy friends as "a really cool guy you should get to meet youd love him." I dont love him, I dont want to get to know him, I dont want to fuck him, or date him, I dont want another relationship, I love you I want you and only you. Nobody else can fuck like you, nobody else is as beautiful, nobody else feels as good, nobody smells as good, nobody else gives hugs like you, or kisses as good, or gives head rubs, or knows just what to say at every fucking moment like you. At first I thought, 'no I just think that because Im getting out of a long term relationship and that its normal to think that but im not giving anyone a chance,' nope Its completely true, and I know because the same shit keeps happening, I keep coming back to that same realization. You are just too fucking awesome. Why couldnt you be Marcey, where everyone was actually nicer and was legitimately better for me, no you had to be the coolest fucking gf ever... You are you and Im in love with you. Every little thing is amazing and you dont even know it. Thats what I love about you the most, you have no idea how completely wonderful you are. modest. I want to tell you all of this everyday, but I dont know how to, and I dont think youll care, or Ill just sound like a desperate lunatic. Thats not what I want. I dont know how to tell you in a constructive way that wont make you even more sick of me. And love I adored our relationship so much, but dont think for a second I like feeling like this. If I could get over this like nothing, like you, believe me I would have to opt out for it right about now. My body is begging me for a way out, begging me to just forget. I have forgotten loads of stuff in the past, but its hanging on for dear life and my minds fighting my body all the way. No matter what I do my mind wont let me forget anything, not even for a second, if anything its digging up old shit I had totally forgotten about, when I start running low on things that remind me of you. Fucking sucks, but I know its my way of telling myself THIS IS BIG DONT FUCK AROUND! The opportunity to move on is ever present, I could fuck everyone, or drink you away, or get back on drugs, none of those things sound even remotely appealing in the least. If thats what you think you need to live life, fine, go ahead, I hope it proves helpful to you. I dont know what you want, what youre thinking. I dont know. Im sick of always falling back on those stupid fucking vices to try and help me. They have never helped me. Drugs were only fun when we did them together, we didnt even have to mess around, just cutting loose and being next to you made drugs fun. They arent fun anymore. I enjoy my days now sure, but not as much as with you. Nothing can replace you. Nothing nobody. Im ok with being alone. I have my art to work on, school, lots of shit, but I dont think Ill ever get over having it all in one. Ill wait it out forever. Im ok with dying alone now. I only want you. Thank god nobody reads this shit. Im making myself ill. Im fucking retarded. Ill just shut the fuck up now . Just fucking kill me now. Mood: confused Music: overdue - the get up kids

	2009.05.28  22.43 i know i know why you think we might not be good. I know its bullshit. I know I have some problems. I know you do too. I know everyone goes through that panic period where you think its better to quit now because it doesnt seem like a future is possible. I know thats bullshit. I know We have just as much right to be happy as anyone else. I dont know what up with you. I know ive been through a lot of shit lately, and I know ive had to deal with it all alone, without you, and I know its getting better for me, but I dont know what to do about you. It seems like youre conflicted, like you made up your mind but you dont really know if its the right decision, but for some reason youre sticking to your guns. Why? This is a big deal and its fucked up to think you could treat it like its not. Im a mess but mostly im just confused. I have doubted myself, made myself sick, changed my life, found another job, starved myself, slept through days and went without all because I cant figure out why you would want to do this. I blamed myself, because of how fucked up I was about a lot of stuff, drugs, not telling everyone that we were together, making you keep it a secret, I get it. I changed a lot of that, im pretty much sober most of the time, I never said I was completely sober this whole time, but I have been for a good 90% of the time and my life keeps taking plunges. Ive had to pick myself up so many times these last two months I think im completely tapped out of reserves, but I get up and do it all again the next day hoping thats the day you realize Im still a good person and Im still madly in love with you. I dont know what you want to accomplish with all of this, how you can see someone is crazy in love with you, loves everything about you , inside and out, and will do anything, change anything, they need, to keep you in their life and to keep a relationship that means the world to them. I dont know what to do. I know its your turn, but I dont know. There came a point where It hit me with Marcella, that the relationship was shitty anyways and that she was an awful gf, and that made it easy to move on. There was no future with her, I just didnt want to be alone. But I have been alone for months now and it sucks, but thats not what bothers me. It bothers me to know that there is a future, big bright future with lots of adventures to be had but that cant happen because youre confused. I feel like im wasting every minute, every hour, every day, that we are apart. Like no matter what I do, no matter how productive I am, because we arent together every accomplishment seems small. Everything reminds me of you. Im baffled. I dont know why you would want to end this at the peak, just when I get my head out of my ass. Youre worth it. We are worth it. No obstacle is too big to overcome. No amount of money, or drugs or anything is worth throwing us away. Baffles me. Then I see these pictures. You can tell we love each other. You can see it in every glance, every smile. I miss it. Love should be enough. I just want love back. I want my love back. I want you back. Everything past that we can figure out as it comes. Nothing else matters. Nothing matters without you. Thats love. Thats the big picture. Silly girl. Music: everything reminds me of her - elliott smith

	2009.05.26  01.50 ain no use in crying I fixed myself miraculously, all alone. I got my habits in order, my school done, my financial status is harder, when the bills keep piling up, but soon that will be in order. All without you. I dont get it. I fell in love with this wonderful person, not perfect by any means, but perfect to me. All of her flaws made her seem more and more beautiful. She danced and laughed and frowned and kissed all like she meant it. I knew she was unsure about love but it fell into place just perfectly. I didnt want to fall in love again but she had it all, I was hooked. Everything she said was smart or funny, everything she did was goofy or adorable or adorably goofy. We were all consumed in each other. It was amazing. Then we got mixed up in some silly stuff, side tracked from what really mattered. It was gross, and lonely. When I jumped out and re grouped I found that girl on the opposite side of the world, with a gigantic pool of water in between us. In the time I had been distracted she seemed to doubt herself and get confused. Had I not been distracted I think I could have helped her early on, before it became a problem. Now it seems I have been gone so long she is ready to be done with me completely. Had I regrouped earlier I think I could have changed a lot more. We are just supposed to be together. We just had to get our feet back on the ground. Im grounded. Even though my life is shit, I hold out for her everyday. Thats hope. I just want love. Love that is forever, love that everyone can see, love that I shout from mountains, love that makes leaving the bed almost impossible. I want to think about it all day and race to it at night, I want to forget the grocery list but remember exactly what she wore before she headed out for her day. I want love that makes days feel like seconds and nights never ending. I dont need money, drugs, expensive cars, jewlery, I just need her. I want everyone to know who makes me happy. I want everyone to know who completes me. Its all right if you have love. It could be us. I think its worth one more shot with all the kinks ironed out. That way we can really know we tried our hardest instead of fucking it up over lack of communication. We owe it to ourselves. Think about it, we have had such good times, together. I want to know we gave it our all, then if it doesnt work, it wont be so hard on us. We can walk away on good terms. Maybe its easier for me to see because Ive worked on myself and realized what I have to offer and what I need to make stronger. My will power is weak but I have been strengthening. My stress level has been through the roof but Im not crying anymore Im making plans for the future that change with each circumstance that arises. I want to leave this town soon and I want you to come along. Im making plans to do it anyways but im leaving big open spots here and there just in case you change your mind. Its been hard but Im making the best of being alone. I know youre searching for how to make yourself better but I cannot for the life of me thing of why you would want to do it alone. What are you proving to yourself? Especially if you havent really done anything productive in the last two months. Im just saying Im a lot stronger now and I want to help you, and in turn that will help me too. Im sorry you couldnt tell me what bothered you when it bothered you, Im sorry it came down to breaking up over it, but really I dont think its fair that you called it off based off of issues you had with me that you never even told me about other than the drug thing, which I have since gotten under control. Some of the issues you had, im just figuring out now. You act like you dont care, like youre too cool to be effected by this whole break up then you tell me I stress you out and make you crazy with worry. I dont know that unless you tell me. I will let you know whats up anytime, Im only completely honest with you. You are the one that I cannot lie to. I fucked up by not telling my friends about us yeah, I changed it. I told michelle that I couldnt exactly pinpoint the moment we were together, and that we had been on and off for a while, and that technically we had dated for 2 1/2-3 years but the reason I hadnt told her a long time ago wasnt because I was embarassed, I just didnt know how to do it, and It didnt seem like I should make a big deal out of it when I always thought you would get tired of me soon enough anyways, and you did. The principle of the matter is that I didnt tell her and I should have. I should have told everyone, the stress of the whole matter seems like a terrible strain on the relationship in retrospect. I didnt know im sorry, had i known I would have taken care of it immediately. I should have known though. Better late than never right? I never wanted the public/ private double life thing. I would kiss you a thousand times right now in front of anyone, yes even the parents if it would bring you back. No hesitation at all. Well maybe with the parents.... nah its worth it. they love you anyways. I know we can work on this. I dont care if you have to move or do whatever. I want you like I always have, even more that I cant have you. I wish you could just accept my help and the fact that love is hard to find and when you finally do find it, its best to hang on. Ill do whatever it takes. No joke. You said you still love me. Then whats the problem? you dont think were good for each other? you put our love into perspective, drugs or you. Nothing is worth losing you, not drugs, or money or anything else. You made me thing of my future, Ive never done that before. You made me want to have a future, because I knew spending the most time I could with you would make this life worth something. Id be happy with you, like I never imagined with anyone else. I would like to think im good for you, even better now that Im regrouping. I have some big plans ahead of me, I want to be successful, no more fucking around. I want you to be there. Music: aint no use in crying - rolling stones

	2009.05.25  15.34 im going to lose my shit I hate days like this. I forget my place, and when I remember there is very little I cant do from not crying all day. I hate this I hate it. Im miserable. I hate crying, I hate sleeping alone, Everything. Im going to go to work where Ill probably still need to get up 4 times during my appointment and excuse myself to the restroom to cry. I hate feeling like I want good enough like Im still not. It feels like a punishment. Im being punished for being and awful person. I miss you.

	2009.05.24  23.22 and I guess that I just dont know I need to get laid. I dont want anyone else but you. I know it wont be good, so why bother. ugh I hate that I need sex. Its all I can think about right now. Maybe if I ask you... no. If I sleep with anyone It will just be meaningless anyways right, might as well be with you if you dont love me anyways...no because it will still mean the world to me. Music: heroin - velvet underground

	2009.05.23  23.50 I am.. I am the water, I am waves crashing onto you I am the blank wave, I am the madness, the dark, the hunt, the cage, the race I am rejection, I am redemption I am desire for obligation, I am forever, but I could be never if thats what you want. I am the desert, I am oasis for strength, the weakness for arguments sake I am rejection, I am redemption, I am desire for obligation, I am one step closer for you Please tell me when you're through, because I may not be through with you You're loss to sustain, but I will remain and true to form. If this was the last breath I ever took would you take the time to look, and would you know? Or would you know? Or would you know? Becuase I am the water, I am waves crashing onto you You could pretend to be, but you will kill me when you're through Music: I am - Further seems forever

	2009.05.23  23.46 id blow this whole world to pieces to not be alone For everyone to see, its only killing me. youre moving. you told me already. duh. I just didnt think about it until today. I threw up. I didnt think anyone but marcey could do that, but apparently its really easy when your nerves are shot. dont go. try harder. please. please. Im the same, youre the same. Why cant we be the same? What do you want that we cant get? Why all of a sudden do you know for a fact we cant work? I can do anything, so can you, why do we seem so far fetched now? Do you think Im no good? How do you not love me anymore? I dont understand, I just dont get it. When I woke up I saw you standing above me, I thought you were going to lay down with me, like nothing happened. It looked as though you were. Then I remembered. I wonder if you really were and you ended up not, or if I was just still asleep and dazed. We talk like there is nothing wrong, the whole time I want to reach across the table and kiss you. I had fun. I always do what am I talking about? You touched my head to see if I was balding. I love it when I get my head rubbed. It felt great. I could feel you lifting all the stress up off of me. It felt perfect, like how it did before, I felt sane. Then when you got off to leave I got a hug. No arms ever felt as good. I didnt want to let go. I didnt want it to ever end. You are gorgeous. Even walking away. I miss you terribly. I know its not good to acknowledge any of these feelings. I dont care. I loved ever second of it. I never want you to leave. I know its weird to think that you could fix all of life's problems for me, but you do it, and so easily, what else am I to think? Walk into my room, get under the covers, kiss me and tell me its all a bad dream, and that we can forget about it now. I wont ask any questions. You can still move or do whatever it is you think you need to do, I dont care, I just want you back, I dont care about the terms. Find youself, move away, go to bars with whoever, stay out late, go to sleep early, read more, paint more, go out of town by yourself, with your friends, I dont care. I didnt think I held you back before but I wont now. Kiss me and tell me you still love me. Hold me and tell me Im not crazy. Sleep in my bed, love me, be mine, be yourself. Please love. I dont want to lose you forever. Music: Further seems forever

	2009.05.22  04.30 "One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love." - Sophocles *"Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other." - Rainer Maria Rilke Im finally getting sleepy. This bed is going to be amazing right now, all comfy and not a hard floor. I know we cant erase these last couple of months, I wish we could. I know we cant go back entirely to the way it used to be. I do know we were legitimately in love. Every precious memory is permanent documentation. Every place we went together, conversation, laugh, kiss, smile, hug, was all just a plus to what we already had, with just each other. The perfect background music to the perfect life. Im still thinking of stuff from way back in the day, I'm not begging you to keep loving me. It doesn't work that way I know, Im just asking you not to beat it down. You know how I feel about you, Im just as crazy about you as ever, but I think you need to figure out what about your life bothers you so much right now, (but didnt bother you before,) that you think you can't love me anymore. I don't think you really know what you want out of this. I didnt either at first, but I had a busy, stress filled couple of months and I think It changed my perspective on a lot of important issues. Especially the long term effects of something like this. It won't be easy, but regular relationships have that too. I said the last of what I had to say last night. I know its only been a couple of months but I have already had the chance to just snap some very important things into place. If you want the easy life with kids and the whole suburban deal, thats great too, but I feel like im getting cut off too easily, like you of all people could think that we wouldnt be worth the hard work. The specifics of this relationship regarding a long term future, scares me too, but I think Its worth it. I hope this distance wont make things worse, out of sign out of mind deal, It already feels like you dont even remember how we were, and that you have forgotten me.,. You act pretty cool about the whole thing. I hope thats really not the case but I am worried. Miss you darling. Im still me, just a little more adult. I heard about your graduation from my mom. Congrats. You deserve it. I wish I could see you walk, you didnt even mention it to me, which made me feel unimportant and sad I have to miss it because of all of this, but I want you to know Im very proud of you for completing something this huge. You are truly still my inspiration. I will have to tell you that sometime tomorrow then. Good night doll.

	2009.05.18  17.57 hope I was hoping for good news. Everday I fight myself, fight to get up, fight to eat, fight to sleep, drugs, art, every single day. I make it somehow, with hope. There is no hope left. I know its prob best, but I don't care. I don't care about anything anymore. I need to get to the Dr. in hopes they can save whatever is left of my mind and heart, but I doubt there is anything left, nothing worth saving at least. I keep shaking my head telling myself Im worth sticking around for. How silly. I know I'm great. I know I'm getting better. I know I can make you happy, I can make you laugh, but you don't want it, so what do I do? I want you. Im a good person. Everday I feel like Im loosing it. More and more keeps happening and Im struggling so hard to accept and deal with it. You can understand why Im so crazy right, its not completely ridiculous to think all this could make somebody lose it. Im dealing. Im strong. You are crippling me though. You are making this so hard. Everyday is so hard now. I love you. Im sorry, I do. Im very sorry. I want to disappear. I want you.

	2009.05.17  03.52 good morning Im not a waste of time. I am a person just like you. I feel. Sometime sad (more so now,) sometimes happy (when I think of all the stuff we have done up to this point, together.) I don't feel I need to prove it to you but I will, while doing it for myself. I remember meeting you and how sad you were but I realized it was just a phase for the most part too, and you got over it, we got over it together. Im getting better at tattooing, Im drawing for big sleeves now, Im making this a priority. I want to talk to you everyday, I dont want to know what you're doing without me, just like Im sure you don't want to know what Im doing without you, although it isn't much other than work right now. I know you have your boys that show you the world of tattooing, they make you feel included, connected, honestly its really good for you right now. Its all the motivation I didn't have, but I made it anyways. I had to find out what to do by just doing it. You have lots of help and thats awesome, use it in a constructive way. Stress: I don't handle stress very well, as you can see, my body is not cooperating, It needs attention and nurture. I fully intend to get my health back up so I can continue to work at the top of my gain. I know that Im gifted and Im getting there. Going to the Dr. this week. Loosing weight: Im going to take more pride in my appearance. Im very pretty and now that I can fit into some of my older, smaller, nicer clothes I think Its time to start show it. Sleeping: Im going to get a schedule down and stick to It regardless of shit that come up, until I start communicating with my body again, I need to tell it what to do. Eating: I have to start eating again. Making meals, eating right. If this is a stomach ulcer, I definitely cant afford to eat crap. Exercise: I tried running at 5 am every other moring, but that is really hard to do especially when Im having trouble sleeping. Im going to continue to do night walks and bike rides even tought Future: Im working towards fine tuning my artwork/ tattooing and I want to move to San Fran or Boston. I had originally planned on trying to move with you. I would very much like that to be a possibility still. I never really thought of a future before you, and you changed that. You made me look forward to everything beyond today. I slipped up, but I know Im in this for a long time. Im ok with that. I would very much like to establish a relationship again, and this time actually establish one, not maybes about it, but I dont know what you really want to accomplish as an adult, I always hope it still involves me. I know we dont talk much and I know you dont see any changes really, but Im not always sad anymore. Im happy to be alive and Im happy to be this established in my career at this young of an age. Im extremely lucky. I have my bad days but I doing it. Im making it, putting in my time so this isn't as hard for me in the future. Im not a drug addict. I have learned no substance can manufacture any synthetic feeling close to how great having you feels. I know because at first I tried to replace those feelings to help me and nothing helped. Only hard work and a positive attitude. I know Im great. I know I have a lot to offer, and I know now that I cant depend on anyone else to make up for knowing that myself. I refuse to be a burden in any way shape or form. I can do for myself, always. I am alone right now and it still kills me sometimes but I like me. I like who I am, what I do, and where I come from. I have a great mind and I think it shows. I want to dance again, watch movies, eat out, eat in, laugh and try my hardest. Thats what life is supposed to be about. I know that now. I want to continue to live life. Id love to do it with you. I have a new found love for life and there are a million things I want to get done, and Im not going to let anyone stop me. Today Is the first day of the rest of my life. Im excited. Id love for you to join me. I swear I cant fail, I will not fail, and I wont let you down. This is me baby. Hang on to your hats! Now its time for sleep. I have to be well rested for all of this awesomness! Music: yeah yeah yeahs

	2009.05.16  15.01 so you say you said its a no go, never ever ever again right? but I dont even want to look. I tried, it made me sick. I dont want to move on and regret leaving all of this, but I dont want to sit and wait until you get married to have it finally set in. ew. I fight with myself all day everyday. As soon as I start getting over it I start feeling guilty. For all I know youre getting over it ever night with someone. IDK what is wrong with me now that wasnt wrong with me before. Im sad but because of this. Im trying everyday to make the best of being alone with no one to care for me. Ive never dont that before and Im doing it. It doesnt make the saddness go away though. It certainly doesnt make the jealousy go away. Its just so hard to believe you woke up and said you didnt feel it anymore. Im still me. just sad now. I never see you. It kills me. Sometimes its worse when I see you and I know you dont care though. When we went to In and Out, I gave you a paper heart. I saw how much you didnt want it. That thought makes it hard to wake up three, four times a night, sweating, alone. Most of the time you arent even in the house. I feel like I'm regressing. I'm stuck between what I think I need to do and the tiniest bit of hope that keeps me going at all. I still feel like this is just going to pass. What could you possibly want to do in Fresno as an up and coming tattoo artist that we couldn't do together, other than fuck J or others. I don't think in all the time we have been together, I have ever made you stay home with me rather than go out or forbid you to go somewhere. I love spending time with you is all. I like doing stuff with you, but I don't care if you want to do stuff alone or go without me somewhere. You used to go to the bay for Madeline's B-day or Ashleys B-day and I would text you saying how much I missed you but I never asked you not to go. I like to party. You want to party fine. I dont even have to go with you all the time. I have never had strict rules or any really for that matter because at the end of the day when I woke up with you there everything was fine. You either dont love me, and or you love someone else, is all I could think of. Everything else seems too perfect to fuck with. I guess I just dont think I could find someone else who matches up with me so well, and I thought I was lucky to have someone with everything, who can identify with my line of work. I dont get it. I think I must be stupid. You didnt give me any real reason, sure the drug bit, but I just get frustrated because It still just dont understand. Do you? Maybe you feel like im bringing you down. Im getting so much better thought. Its just so hard without you here to help. Its nice to know Im self sufficient now, and I try and stay positive, its those days where my shit luck snow balls, that I need my best friends to help remind me everything is ok and I cant even call you or text you anymore, without feeling like a total stranger. Like I wasnt ever anything and Im not now. Makes me really think it didnt happen, then I feel crazy. This feels too big, to perfect to let go of. No one compares to you. No one I have ever loved, and Im sorry if I ever made you feel like it wasnt worth telling everyone, in retrospect I think I should have been bringing it up to everyone I meet, all the time. Thats how I felt, thats what I should have done. I hope you are using all of your independent time constructively. When I can get out of bed I do. This is messing me up all over again. Drugs in not way mimic the feeling of knowing you are going home to someone who is there for you no matter what, because they love you. I found that out real fast. I hate them now. They heighten feelings that exist already. With love they were good, with depression they are worthless. I miss you. I should probably tell you but Im really afraid of being rejected again, or if you would even hear me out. I wonder if you are completely over it yet or not. Im definitely not, In fact Im having to start all over again. I do hope you are enjoying yourself. I do hope you think about me still. Mostly I still hope you love me still. I know you are the best kisser, best lover, most adorable, had the best sense of humor, and the most thoughtful love I have ever had the pleasure of having. No one compares to you. I want you to walk in my room jump on my bed and kiss me and we could figure it all out from there... but I think Im just crazy. Music: dreams - tv on the radio

	2009.05.16  11.38 i don't wanna know why we couldn't do more. lets call the whole thing off. I must have cried in every bathroom I frequent. My house, my work, michelle's, stephen's. I dont to feel like that is getting me anywhere. I keep circling around to the same feelings and ideas. I have to step back and remember.. I would like to change some things. I have to start making time for my family. I feel like I need your help to get this off my back again. I am my own person. Im not your responsibility. I just might need to lean on you a bit. Can you do that for me? Is it too much to ask you , someone who has spent the 90% of their time with me for 3 whole years, who I have opened up to about everything , given all my secrets to, seen every inch of me physically and mentally, to help me kick one last thing. I don't give myself away for this very same reason, I let them in and they leave me. Ive done pretty awful things these past months and Im not proud of any of them, I lost my mind. This is not your fault, but Its not all my fault. Im going to get my head checked this week. Im afraid no on e will every love me if I find out Im crazy. Ive prepared myself for the worst. I just want to start getting better though for the most part. I am greatness. It is not my fault. Music: peter bkprn and john - lets call the whole thing off

	2009.05.15  04.56 Sleep Sleep No No When can I start sleeping? When do I know Ill be ok? I felt like I was getting over the hump, but now it just feels like Im right back at the beginning. Shock. I want to call you, I won't. I want to text you, I can't. You are the one I go to when I'm hurting, sad, having problems, scared or anything. Ultimately I lost my best friend, and it kills me at times like these, the bad days. They keep getting worse. It seems like every little thing reminds me of you. I am all of a sudden remembering every memory, and they replay in my head over and over again until it makes me sick. Less than 2 months ago everything was better, even on the bad days. I just dont understand it. None of it makes any sense. I think Im losing my mind. I wont tell you any of this. You won't even know how sick I am or how much it hurts to just wake up in the morning. You don't want to know. It not your business to care anymore. Ill keep it inside forever I suppose, however long that is. At the rate Im going, three months without sleep I think is the fatal time frame. I seem so pathetic. Fuck feelings. Im never going to love anyone again, because knowing they stopped loving you is the worst pain imaginable. I guess next to seeing them with someone else. I hate this house when its empty like this. Im so tired I want to sleep forever. Please God put me to sleep, let me rest, I really need this. I don't even need to wake up, I just want to sleep. Music: I didnt understand -Elliott Smith

	2009.05.14  00.53 I will be your one more time if you will be my one last chance... keep me where I belong. Put me to sleep. Make the world sound like its worth waking up for...please... this is just one of those nights where only you can help me. your arms, your words, only you. I only want you. I miss you so much... Music: ambulance -tv on the radio

	2009.05.13  00.37 so Im procrastinating with my homework and reading your old blogs from your xanga-gutterrose business. I miss that. I miss you. So closed off and mysterious with a dark cloud forever hanging over your head. It was beautiful. You are beautiful. It made me smile to remember awkward us. Music: dashboard - but not on purpose

	2009.05.12  10.36 off to school But before I forget, yesterday was fun. We caught up and I really enjoyed talking to you for such a long, uninterrupted period of time. I think its quite obvious that we can be friends when its just us but when any other people are around it seems like we make it weird. I didn't think of anything other than what we were talking about the whole night, and when you left to your room for the night, only a faint flutter this time, compared to the usual brick wall coming down on me. It was different last night. We are friends and I love that fact. It wasn't completely smooth sailing, I know I have a lot to work on, as far as not thinking every sound coming from the hall is you coming back into the room to sleep with me, or thinking that you are going to call me and call this whole silly thing off. I know that you aren't, that you are very sure of yourself, but I cant help but think it was a little too rushed for something so serious. Even if you did agree to continue the relationship, I think we would have to re-introduce ourselves completely. Even though its only been a little over a month, it has been a big deal because we went from spending every minute together, to not talking or seeing each other for weeks. That's a big deal. Anyways back to the original point, I miss you, and seeing you yesterday, hanging out, listening to music, and drawing, made it seem all better. For a couple of hours my life made sense again and that was so refreshing, to know that I'm not crazy, that we were together and stuff like this did happen every night. Sometimes I forget that. It seems so far fetched now that you could be bothered by me every night for years, and whenever we were apart, we would talk about how much we wished the other one was there. I remember going to the East coast and texting you on the phone all night, the first night on Ashley's birthday sleeping on the floor, hanging out in the bathroom before anyone got to the shop on Halloween and being rushed, Masha's house in front of Kelson, we were pretty careless but that made it even more fun. My point being that was the best Ive ever had an now I'm hesitant to do it anymore. I don't like not getting what I want and I know there are millions of potential candidates out there that just will never do it for me. They never did it before, I don't think this time is any different. It took me 8 years to find someone who could do anything right and now that you are gone it makes the idea of sex sound so tedious and unappealing. I didn't even think about that aspect until a couple days ago. I have recently been dreaming about it every night that I sleep and its starting to concern me. Why was it so good, and what the hell am I going to do now? Probably the same thing before I met you, just do it myself, for the rest of my life. There are so many reasons that I need this to pan out, mostly convenience, but in a way that's not settling, in a way that makes it seem like I found a perfectly interlocking puzzle piece and because someone doesn't think it goes there, I have to try and fit it into the rest of the puzzle where it doesn't belong. I have always thought of it as the perfect fit. It seems absurd. It has from the beginning, with the drama and all the other bull that has come up in my life. I feel like I'm being tested by God to see how much I can take. Sometimes he smiles, sometimes I crumble into a million pieces. I had my mind made up three years ago, I was just too dumb to step out of myself to realize how perfect everything was. Too proud or too stupid. Never was I embarrassed, ever. I knew it made me happy and I didn't care about anything else. While talking to Michelle the other day she mentioned all of my other friends had asked her if we were dating and she said she didn't think so, but she said almost all of my friends had asked her at one point or another, and all of them thought it anyways. I should have just said it. I should have let you. A lot of this drama would be gone right now I bet. Maybe not this specific drama, but I think a couple things would have changed at least. Its not that I didn't hear you, time and time again, I did. Like I said, I'm very hard headed. You haven't given me any signals suggesting otherwise, I know. I wont bug you, I wont threaten you, I wont bother you in the least, but I will always leave a little door open in my heart. Always. I couldn't shut if I tried. That's my decision. I can always hope. Its all I can do. I know it may seem like a waste of time, but its my waste of time, I choose to use it hoping for your return. I know that time may never come, I'm OK with that. I'm a good person, and you are amazing. Right now I'm just happy to see you walking by in the hall. I have accepted it. Its still very much a sensitive subject, but you are too beautiful, too smart, and too talented to not be around. Our conversations are like none other. I like them that way. They still make my day. As long as it's talking with you, talk of the weather will do... Music: the weather - built to spill

	2009.05.11  13.54 IDK how you can close your eyes and just go to bed, then wake up for work like nothing, everyday. Its killing me to even try. Its going to take me two hours to get to the shower...I think I lack something that people have that makes them not feel. Like a shield or screen of some sort that makes everything ok to them. I like feeling very passionately about things but it sucks when stuff like this happens. My passionate feelings just look creepy I guess. Im funny, Im smart, Im talented. I woke up with a sore throat. I need to go to the Dr. I dont want to. I dont think you wanted me to respond to your letter. Im listening to a lot of built to spill. It makes me feel like Im alone in high school. Its quite applicable I think. This feels just like high school. Totally getting obliterated every chance I can, searching it out, and belting out built to spill lyrics, walking down the street at 4 am. Oh and being completely alone in my room writing everyday, like it matters. I make the perfect mixes of how fucking awful I feel and I dont give them to anyone. Yes this is high school. As I re-read all the previous blogs I think what a fucking creep. I go up and you can see me trying to prove to myself Im totally legit, and then I go right back down and feel miserable again. Its true though. That is how I see everyday. I wait to see if I wake up ok or not, everyday. If I wake up feeling like crap, God help me... Its a sad day, I dont think I can eat. I hate this time of day, waking up... I also hate falling asleep... Music: car- built to spill

	2009.05.11  01.36 deep blue sea Noe said I need to stop putting people up on pedestals. He is right. I fight a fever everyday. I sweat and burn and dry myself out. I miss your silly stories of work. I miss telling you all about my day. I want to hear all about your day and what you learned and who you saw, but I think hearing about your days with me omitted in every one would hurt me. It does hurt me. I want to be there. I want to listen. It still hurts though. I hate feeling like I still love you. I wish I didnt. I hate wishing that I didnt. I hate waking up on Sunday morning in an empty bed, no one sitting on top of me trying to wake me up. I hate sleeping in this bed alone. I just miss feeling like I was special. Im dealing. Its getting a bit easier. Im functional. My work is no longer suffering. Im drawing a lot. I wish love was easier. I wish it did conquer all. To little too late I suppose. Thats the one big thing I would have done differently. I would do it now. My mind is drilling it in slowly everyday. My body misses you though. Im going to stop writing these things. They make me sad. They are inappropriate. Im sorry I made you have to leave Bobs, Im sorry I ruined your days with drugs and withdrawls. Im sorry I didnt give you everything you needed all the time. Thats my fault. I love you always. I invited you to draw with me, you hung out with your other friends. That hurts still, but I understand. The convention hurt when you picked hanging out with him over me, but I understand. I hate it but I understand. Im not angry. Just understand it hurts. Its taking me longer is all. I havent slept in days. Im loopy. This is that last of it I suppose. I will try and be cold now. I will try and be tough like before. Im tough. I can do it. I still have to write you back and respond to your letter. Im trying to wait it out until I know I can sound tough enough to avoid saying anything that makes me sound pathetic. Im really not. I tried to win you back, but now Im reluctantly accepting defeat. It was worth trying for. I hope you get whatever it is you think you want in life. I hope you find someone who can help you get that too, you deserve it. Next time I write I will make sure Im not fucked up on sleepy stuff. Even though you don't read these, Good night. Music: deep blue sea - Grizzly Bear

	2009.05.09  00.52 4.9.09 1:00am I am so tired I cant sleep. I want to rip my eyes out and stomp them out, as if destroying my eyes will help make me sleep. I have slept approx 8 hrs in three days. I went to the Drs. No help. I just chugged electrolyte bs. I need a head rub. Im syking myself out. Please God let me sleep. I think Im going to die if I dont. Im aleady practically mentally retarded. Please come rub my head. Please? Good night....

	2009.05.08  14.01 no one needs to know or feel it. If you do care you hide it really well. I wish I could look as cool and over it as you. Sometimes I think I do look that cool. When I get home I remember I'm not that cool. I have to hand it to you, you're tough as nails kido. I miss talking to you. I tweet all day because I have no one to genuinely converse with. Michelle sometimes but I'm not a burden and I have myself to talk to. I wish I could move on to someone else right off the bat. That's ballsy. You're hardcore. I hate thinking about it. One month down. Seems like ten years. This is going to take forever. Fuck... Music: Ive got your number- Passion Pit

	2009.05.07  02.58 I AM A person. A human. Not impenetrable. Sad. Happy. Always smiling now. Looking forward to the future. Capable of loving. Worthy of being loved. Smart. Awesome. Talented. Cute. Tired. Funny. A music junkie. Not an addict. Friendly. Losing weight. Catholic. Able to learn from my mistakes. An artist. Proud. Apologetic. Adventurous. Always up for a road trip. Not that fond of being alone. Now O.K. with being alone. Fun. Always behind on artwork. An extremely dedicated girlfriend. A good lover. A good listener. Always down for a good show. In love with the idea of love. Always willing to fight for what I believe in. A problem solver. Willing to work hard. 21 A firm believer in Karma. Alone in bed. Confident. Soft. Hopeful. Optimistic. A good kisser. A hugger. Always up for receiving hugs. No longer going to be embarrassed of anything that makes me happy. Not a burden. Not Looking for someone to walk to 7-11 with. Not Looking for soft lips or soft skin. Not Looking for a gorgeous smile. Not Looking for someone to hold my hand. Not Looking because I want to be found. Respectful. Grateful for every minute I have ever been in love. Appreciative. Happy if you are happy. Missing you forever. Music: Knife- Grizzly Bear