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27th January 2005

1:00am: what to do
dont know what to do...about jay and, just everything. i bet u think im always depressed cuz i only write in blurty when im down but when im down is when i feel the need to write. so i love jay to death. i really do. we have so much fun together. hes the sweetest guy ive ever met by far. but i dont know if he understands me. lets look at why. ok. hes very business oriented. im very love oriented. i dont mean to be selfish but i should come first. and i know it will never be like that. especially not in this day and age. its like i should have lived back in history , way back when there were princes and princesses.

so i love jay so much even though im scared to love him. im really honestly terrified of being in love because i know that one day it could come to an end. when i give my all to someone i really give it. more then anyone else i think. most people u know, have love on the side, but its my # 1 priority. which is why its so dangerous for me. kind of like playing with fire. we're very different when it comes to a lot of things. Basically hes lived that entire college lifestyle, gotten it out of his system, i never have. i basically went from protected child to complete adult. and im not talking money wise. im talking psychologically. but he did loose his dad so you would have that to be like, what are you talking about Azzi, but, its different . how can i express how i feel to him when he hardly ever tells me how he feels about me? I have a hard enough time as it is, one of my biggeest flaws. not sensitive enough . think its like a defense mechanism ive built up all my life.

i guess it really bothers me that jay wouldn't ever marry me. which makes me wish i had never met him. because then i wouldn't have to deal with the heartbreak ill probably one day feel. i dont want him to be with anyone else. im going to be crushed when he marries someone else.

i know ur like, well why dont u just enjoy it and live in the now and have fun and be together blah blah blah. i dunno . i am. i have been. but the more time i spend with him the more attached i get, the harder it will be to let go. id be the happiest girl in the world if i ended up being with him forever. i really would . for some reason i dont see that happening. im ready, hes far from it. i wish i had met him later. but the chances of us meeting later in life are like ZERO. so i guess i got lucky to meet him when i did. ive never actually gone after a guy like i went after him. didn't think anything of it at the time but i was like BAM i want that now.
anyways back to what i was saying, i dont really know what i was saying. he really makes me happy. like so happy, and i dont smile very often now but hes the one person in the world that puts a smile on my face. i think he might be my soulmate. i really do. but i dont think i could tell him, he'd think im crazy, and boys always get scared when a girl really lets a guy know how she feels. they dont know how to handle it. so i guess ill just keep it to myself.

17th December 2004

6:44pm: My first entry
So I'm 22, trying to graduate from college cuz i only have 12 credits left after this semester but doesn't look like things are going my way cuz for some odd reason i suck at school. maryland is too big. i dont know what it is but i really dont like it. i need a small personal school. and none of the majors appeal to me. it sucks. im not sure what to do. I need to come up with a plan so i figured the best way to start figureing out what i want to do is, learn who i am. so how do i learn who i am. by writing and learning what i think and applying it to self improvement. thats what i want. self improvement. most people in my position would probably think, self destruction, drugs, sex, going out too much, running away with random losers, etc. me, i know im better then that. ive got to take my frustration and apply it to doing good.

so everyone is like, u need a plan. what do u want to do wiht your future. i dunno? i have no idea. im sort of just waiting for something to fall into my lap and i like it like this. but what if im sitting here waiting and everyone else is moving forward, getting into the real world and making money while im still here. and the funny part is im fully capable of making it big, more capable then most people out there! ive got the brains and the social skills and some would say the looks help too. but why on earth would i want to sit behind a desk all day and waste my life away. i know its not for me. thats why im trying to figure out what i really want to do. at the same time i want to be in love and have kids asap. my mom did! really young! i feel like i want to do that too. but things are different now days . its like no one wants to get married til their almost 30 and thats just way too far away. i cant wait that long! dont get me wrong, id never just marry to marry, but i definitely want to marry asap! not just anyone. someone, and ill know who that someone is when i meet him.
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