[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 2 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Sunday, February 22nd, 2004|
well, friday was pretty uneventful... I was so excited cause my roommate was goin home for the weekend, and then she couldn't get a ride (grrr), but I decided to make some salmon, and it came out realllly good, so that made me happy.... Saturday I had to work 9-5 at the library, I got pretty bored, I typed 16 pages of notes from my history of Germany class. then I did some geneology research, but I couldn't get any good leads, so I stopped. Then I started lookin at a bunch of health websites, about what foods are good to eat and stuff, so now (me and my OCD) I'm goin nuts counting calories for everything I eat....Anyways, Sat night was fun... me and meg and katie and denise all went down to our girl nikki's house. Nobody really sees eachother anymore, so it was a fun lil reunion. Only we didn't get home till like 3am, so I slept till 1 pm, and that wasn't any good cause I didn't have a very productive day... well, I worked out, but I didn't go tanning or do much work... oh well.. so I talked to Tim today (well, typed, online) He said nothings wrong, but I dunno.. I think things are pretty much ending... just a gut feeling... When I get insecure about a relationship, it always causes trouble too, cause I'll start cheating on him just so I have somethin to fall back on... its horrible of me, and I know I do it, but I still can't help it.... For the 6 months we've been dating, I've been completly well behaved (except for the night I hung out w Saias and he kissed me), but I haven't chilled with him since, and I haven't done anything else bad. But now that I'm getting worried he doesn't like me, and I talked to my english boy the other day, and I still talk to Tommy here and there.... I just know somethins gonna happen... grrr... and I keep pretending to everyone that things are great with him, the only people that know Tim's bein weird are meg and ben (I wasn't planning on even telling Ben, but he called me today, and he knows me so well, he could hear it in my voice and kept asking what was wrong)... I miss Ben... I wish he was home more so I could see him... but then again, I think Natalie would be around more and I'd here from him even less... Anyways, I need to stop thinkin about all this, back to my homework.....
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Let you down, DMB
|Friday, February 20th, 2004|
new to this one....
Hello. I have on online diary already, but it seems to be sucking lately, and I need to be able to vent. So I've created this one. I've been feeling very emotional lately. I really can't figure out why. I think what I need is a good long workout. Only I'm doin laundry, all my workout clothes are gettin clean. Its already almost 11. Maybe I'll work out from 11:30-12? Thats not long at all, but I have to work at 9 tomorrow, and I did only get 4 hours of sleep last night.
Ok, so I have this boyfriend, and he's really nice and everything. But something just doesn't click. Know that connection you feel with someone? We don't really have that. I keep telling myself it will work if I give it a chance, but its been 5 monthes, and I really don't feel IT for him. Maybe it's because I'm not over my x yet. I was with him for 4 years off and on, and I'd only been not with him for a few months when I met Tim. At first it was really great with Tim, but now I feel like we're both not getting that vibe from eachother, and neither of us wants to say anything, so we're just kinda avoiding the subject completly. But it's very frustrating to me.
A lot has changed in my life in the three years that I've been at this school. My first year here, I met the greatest group of girls, and we were all so close. I never really had a close group of girlfriends so it ment the world to me... but now between people transferring, leaving, or just blowin us off, we've dwindled to about 3 girls. And no one's as close as we were before. It's pretty depressing actually. I really feel like I have no friends anymore. Which makes it harder to be losing the boy (only cause then I really have no one).
I just don't feel especially happy right now. I have this friend, whose parents were high school sweethearts, and they got a divorce about 8 years ago. Her mom remarried, and her dad has stayed single (clearly still in love with her mom). what if I never get over Ben (the x), and that becomes me? Cursed to be miserable because the one I'll always love more than anything doesn't love me. UGH I can't even think about it anymore. It really makes me wanna cry
Of course my music choice right now isn't really helping matters right now "nobody said it was easy, oh its such a shame for us to part, nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard..." The scientist by coldplay. Such a good song, but right now, I just don't think this song and my mood is a very good mix "tell me you love me, come back and haunt me..." See, bad for me. Ah!
I wish my laundry would just be done already, I really need to go burn all these crazy thoughts outta my head!
Thats what I need, a nice stress relieving workout, and then an even nicer long hot shower!
Sorry to rant, its what I do best sometimes though!