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Sunday, February 25th, 2007
1:46 am - hes my frined
hes my friend then y cant i hate him, y cant i proove him wrong, damit i know i need help but not from some head doctor i need help gettign over u. i need help not comparing them to u. i need my girl side to shut the hell up and let the tough girl side take over and make me stop thinking about stupid romantic shit,

i suck at this whole thing, im over it
just clik it
Thursday, February 15th, 2007
8:43 am - mere sumed it all up
my hurt and pain cant go away
because that knife is there to stay
i dont mean anything in your eyes
im sory for all the nights iv cried
im a used up paper towel on its way to the trash
i cant seem to get your attention not even with cash
why should i bother or even care
im not the one you look at or the one u stare
im just nothing in your eyes thats all ill ever be
nothing but another girl can u feel my pain you see
i wanted nothing more than your love and affection
but all i got was patience waiting for your attention
but ill always sit here and ill always wait
because thats all i can do ... isnt it great
( 1 ) just clik it
Monday, February 12th, 2007
10:03 pm - insecurty
ok now is one of those emo moents that is not for the week of heart. went out to dinner w. him and relize that i am choc full of inscuritys. every where from body image issues to can u belive it, fear of the oppisite sex. he says i aggercvate him. well he pretty much just pisses me off. he says im cute, i have a cute face,... ok cute is a discription that you give little sisters and ppl who could handel the truth of " wow ur fat" this might just be me over reacting but its the truth. plus if i was so cute, then u would have had some sort of feelings for me and would have talked to me abut the other girls youve been with, i should care im friend listed any way

but it sux, i hate my self that i feel for him, and i hate even more that i wasted time thinking that maybe in some miraculous way he might have been able to look at me and be like wow she's mine. but no one wil ever feel that way twards me. well that atleast isnt a nut ball and doesnt freek me out
just clik it
Wednesday, January 24th, 2007
11:14 pm
i hate computer!
just clik it
Tuesday, January 23rd, 2007
1:42 pm - my vent
ok so after relzing he will never fell the saway or even care the same way. im upset. he told me he was up set and i sat there and listened. then he showed me the convos. they still love eachother no matter what either of them say, and like he said im a good friend. then he had the audasity to as if he was the one that got away, and ill i could say was jullian ur not stupid, u know the answer and he gos : i just like hearing it: i felt so stupid like he prides him self on hearing me cru about him?!?! i really screwed my self this time........... i could help it he was perfect and now im broken and feel only hurt, every one around me is happy and im in pain? but i do put up a good front, ppl think im very happy. and thats how i want it

so i am happy
and no worries
just clik it
Tuesday, January 16th, 2007
5:45 pm - ................. feb 14, grrrr its coming fast!
We'll make our escape, like the end of Casablanca.. taking off from a dark runway with nothing left to lose.

Just like Roman Holiday, a princess and a schemer.. killing an ordinary day, anyway they choose.

Valentine, say the line.. We can be famous for tonight.
We can just leave it all behind.

We can just leave it all behind.
just clik it
Monday, January 8th, 2007
11:06 pm - i love
( 1 ) just clik it
Friday, January 5th, 2007
11:15 am - ...
its amazing how lonely u can feel surrounded by those who love you..... emotions are a weird little thing, they have a weird way of sneeking up on u abd beating u in the back of the head.

so hes dating her now, and i turely am happy, but i wont here from him for a while,,, its how it always ends. we say we'll be friends (in this case he was my best) and we talk alot at first, then it dwindles to a few convos a week, then down to 1 or 2, then the girlfriend enters and im lucky if i talk to him at all when it doesnt involv the warm glow of my computer monitar. im not dumb, and its not likeit hasnt happend b4. (espically to me) soi dont understand y this one is effecting me more then any of the others. and ontop of that the whole this of y brian wouldnt date me..... b/c one of his friends didnt like me. it amazes me how someone can be so shallow. julian says to be my self, well i tried and no takers. there was keith ( wanted just sex) brian ( to shallow) adam ( just sex) eric( nut ball) im 0 for 4! i thinkim going to try the whole bench idea, and its that time of month... no not my period ( if i got that right now id be happy) it is almost feb. which meas all the red and pink comes out for valitines day. let me tell u how happy i am. ( and how much id like to sleep through it)

im done ranting for now. its not like any one reads these any way, itys just an out let so ppl can know how i feel ish
just clik it
Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007
12:29 pm - ok so i hate my self
i hate that i cant stop thinking about him. every little thing reminds me of him. and we didnt even date! i think thats what kill me more. he askedme if i feel like i want to omit when he talks about his "girls"over there, i told him now. that its a friends job to pay attention and want to listen, but the truth is that i want to die! hes amazin and perfect and he knows it, and that makes him irresistable to basically every women on the planet, which is sonething iwill have to live with. because as i say it all the time i would rather have him tell me about every girlfriend and every hook uip then loose him at all. i still have night mare of him yelling at me and saying "shawn ur killing me" and that he doesnt want to talk to me..... this hurts so bad. and im stupid for falling for someone who is 3000 miles away and didnt make any haste oin time finding a new girl, they basically fell into his lap. and me the only ones i can find want to get into my lap then leave. there was keith (agian) adam, and a a few others but they didnt have that 1 thing i was looking for. a connection, and maggie and juli and the other girls tell me to get over him and hook up w/ the flavor of the week, and part of me wants to. but then i look at what i could havehad and relize i deserve more then that, dont i ?

i8t really make me hate my self! it make me feel stoopid for loving the way he made the "noise" and hating the way we would fll asleep holding eachother. on new years i hooked up w/ adam and spent the night... but i could sleep i didnt feel comphy...... but w/ him i felt comphy and safe and wanted, and though he never said it i felt beatiful. we never kissed but i understood y. and it didnt bother me. he had a coming ora around him and i never felt nerves. and I HATE THAT THESE THOUGHT WONT LEAVE MY MIND!

so i end this blog the emo way....w/ song lyrics :)

".....i said my confidence
it gets stronger when you're next to me
but we pray for miles away
in quest for what we long to be

i might crumble
i might take a fall again (still missing you)
but you're my everlasting friend
my everlasting friend...........

and i said my confidence
gets stronger when your next to me
but we wave respect goodbye
in quest for what we long to be

i might crumble
i might take a fall again (still missing you)
but you're my everlasting friend

will you be coming home?
everlasting friend
will you be coming home?"

so emo shawn is signing of for the evening, any retorts to this blog should be email to me..........

thanks for caring if u read.

current mood: weird
current music: blue october ever lasting friend
just clik it
Thursday, December 14th, 2006
12:36 am - oknight!

* 1. Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets
and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an
Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm
Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at
the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, JingleBells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
just clik it
Tuesday, December 12th, 2006
11:19 am - o so emo..
so anything i thought mght be able to happen has been squashed and i thought i was numb but @ about 1 am to day i found a whole new way to hurt........ " i dont want to get hurt agian" he said... yea well i wasnt looking to get hurt at all and tada look at me now im a depressed bitch that needs to be bitch slaped back into reality... i should have known better.. every time i fall for some one it just never works out and part of me want to still see him when i fly out to cali but if i dont i think i can deal. ok thats a lie i want to talk to hin all the time but i cant, b/c i have beend friends listed and worse of all its not the close frineds list its the convience friends list. u know the one where they get in touch w/ you cuz they feel like talk to u, and if u call them they never pick up or anything..... why the hell do i do it to my self? i just keep telling my self that i should have known better and i keep trying to justify my actions and trying to explain that what happens to me is for a reason.... weather this reason is a postive or a "growing" ( ie, totally sucks ballz ans make me want to sleep and never wake up).. he says that im silly for trying to justify my self but i see it more as i have nothign eles to do but justify y i am alone... there has to be a reason ppl cant just be alone.

so i stay content and alone and maybe ioll become a spinster
just clik it
Monday, December 11th, 2006
5:37 pm
So go on
And I will refrain
And I'll keep on running this neverending race
maybe next time will be the right time
and maybe next time will be your time

So save your scissors
For someone else's skin
My surface is so tough
I don't think the blade will dig in
Save your strength
Save your wasted time
There's no way that I want you to be left behind
Go on save your scissors
Save your scissors

So why does it always seem
That every time I turn around
Somebody falls in love with me?
This has never been my sole intention
And I have never claimed to have patents on such inventions

Just save your scissors
For someone else's skin
My surface is so tough
I don't think the blade will dig in
Save your strength
Save your wasted time
There's no way that I want you to be left behind
Go on save your scissors
Save your scissors

There is something that I must confess to you tonight
To you tonight
And that is I expect nothing less from you tonight
From you tonight

so go on save you scissors
just clik it
Saturday, December 9th, 2006
2:29 pm - a vs.b
lat night was great. but it was missing that one spark. i dont know what to do anymore i cantforcemy selftobe happy. but i do forcemy selftosmileeverytimeimaround people....... they need tothinkim happy evenif im not 100%.l hellat this poin illeven take 15%. work and schooll and raido, soundslikea plan...keep busy stop thinking about it!
just clik it
Friday, December 8th, 2006
12:41 pm - ive got that numb feeling
it is actually being good for once. and i mean the worry is still here but i think its cuz all i want to do is fall for some one. julie tried hooking me up w/ someone but he doesnt work, doesnt go to school and has a kid...... r u serious? like come on i have standards mind u for a while they were being compared to an awesome guy that friend listed me ( u know the list that once ur on there no way of getting off) but im a survivor, ( i think) last night he told me i was funny for being numb. as smart as the boy is sometimes hes a dumb ass. i mean i am an easy person to read right?
i mean i think i am. im not a normal girl because ppl can read me. im a book w/ a reading level of like 3 grade!
lol. is it that hard to tell? i mean i know im a good actress but please its not that hard. its frustrating! but today isnt about me its about maggie and i need to be there for her so i am not calling in an emo day for a while and beside im tired or crying over stupid shit like that i didnt do it in high school and im damnd if im going to start now!
just clik it
Thursday, December 7th, 2006
12:14 pm - all i want to hear is his voice
ok, so most of u know the problem..... and imamazed on how well im doing. i can finally sit there and hear him takl about these girls and not want to cry, mainly because im numb. which all in all is not a bad feeling, but it sucks that i just dont care what happens tome emotionally any more, the only thinkgs that can get me truly up set would br the death of a friend or even wores he stops talking about me. maybe thats why i sit there and listen, beause i would rather have in my life and hear about ever partner and every girl that falls for him and every girl he falls for, then not have him in my life at all. unfortunetly i fellin love w/ him and he thinks its just as a friends but i truly do love him. and this really sucks because wheni say hes absent, hes a 30000 mile away kinda absent. and i know that as soon as he gets a girl friend ill only get calls when its at his convience. he probly wont even email... god email... it so informal. all i know is that it sucks that i have to compare all other guys to him because he was what i was looking for an i found it and now its gone. he was an adault but still young we had somuch in common and we just liked laying with eachother ( i assume) he had no problem hearing me talk about feelings and he even shared his. he WAS genuinly caring but now i cant tell heades from tails from anything...........

like i always say
pray for the best but always expect the worse
just clik it
Sunday, December 3rd, 2006
2:49 am
the pain
being pulled left and right
up and down
little by little being torn apart
peices falling to the ground
no one picking them up to sew them back on
some even taking apart of me with them
but i cant fight back
because all a heart can do is pump blood and be hurt
just clik it
2:46 am - o so emo
its getting worse...... and i cant control it. but im numb soi cant feel it anymore
just clik it
Saturday, December 2nd, 2006
3:14 pm - that lonley feeling
its christmass time and besides freezing physically ill feel the emotional cold of not have someone to kanoodle with. but w/e ill servive?
just clik it
Monday, September 18th, 2006
2:20 pm - wow
i still have this? holy shit!
just clik it
Thursday, September 1st, 2005
2:08 pm - jklcfnhklasdjbfkabfrjka
wow havent been onthe comp in amad long time ..... comment im bored
just clik it

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