sERAPH's Blurty
 
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Below are the 17 most recent journal entries recorded in sERAPH's Blurty:

    Thursday, February 5th, 2004
    7:57 pm
    -the end-
    last night my mom and i had an argument about weather or not i should get my nails done for winter formal...she called me vain, told me that im too obsessed with winter formal, that i care too much what other people think...i said thats not true since i dont care that she doesnt like me having my nails done i still want them done, ofcourse i dO care because shes my mOther...i called eddie, just to talk and he asked about my mood so i told him everything, i guess i cry too much or maybe it just didnt seem like it should matter but he told me to stop being so negative...i hadnt realized i was bringing him down with what was bothering me, actually i hadnt realized the one person i could share this with didnt want to hear it...its a humbling thought, that i would want to be there for him throo it all and i'd really always thought he would want to be there for me...shows how much you really know doesnt it? ofcourse i know he cares...i've always had a complex of not letting go, it hold me back from growing up...i hadnt wanted to grow up. i cant be vulnerable, negative, whatever, to my bOYFRIEND...what does that say about ME?! so now i need to detach myself, not spill my unwelcome teary guts to eddie, and also not to write here. because im always letting things out just so there oUT but i hold on to them, i need to be able to handle whatever it is by myself. i would like to keep blurty as my creative scrapbook for any odds and ends that i come to posses but no longer will it be personal...god i can feel you rolling your eyes, you hurt me you turd, and whats worse is you dont understand, nor do you care enough to realize exactly what you've crushed, so mock me, call me a drama queen, whatever it is that you do, this is it, whatever happens next i tried, i really tried.
    Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004
    6:21 pm
    -survey-
    FIRSTS
    First best friend: as a child...margret tsai...i still dont know how to spell margret...i think that was one of our biggest fights...
    First car: nothing yet, i have high hopes for the batmobile but realistically probably a honda odessy...
    First real kiss: eddie zhou...in the park...haha it was perfect...
    First break-up: october 9th 2003
    First job: rEAl job? probably tutoring at apple learning center
    First screen name: oh geez erm...aznchikibabe...i think...or unaturalsmile...
    First self-purchased album: sPICE gIRLS!! their first two and then goodbye...*sniff* memories...
    First funeral: my grandma in the fourth grade, second time in my life i ever saw my mom cry...
    First pets: erm...a dog named peanut butter...a bird (may it rest in peace)...a frog (may it rest in peace)...a lizard (may it rest in peace)...25 tadpoles (may they rest in peace)...a dog named pepsi (may she rest in peace)...geez i cant remember them all!! but one thats alive is eVO my beautiful puppy as of now ^^
    First piercing/tattoo: nothing yet
    First credit card: haha the world shudders at the possibility
    First true love: honestly...im not sure how true love would be defined or if truly im his "true love" but for what its worth i love eddie, i fell in love with him and as we're changing or growing or whatever i continue to fall in love with this man who, true love or not, has a hold on me that is as indescribable as it is beautiful...
    First enemy: wOah ... i dont think there's anyone i can call an enemy ... gloria can be catagorized as my arch nemisis tho ...
    First big trip: apperantly when i was born i was shipped to my grandparents in china...
    First musicians/music you remember hearing in your house: whitney housten's bodygaurd soundtrack

    LASTS
    Last cigarette: never smoked
    Last car ride: chris's supra just dropped me off
    Last kiss: eddie's goodbye kiss when he walked me to class ^^ other than that my dog just drolled all over me...
    Last good cry: october 9th 2003
    Last library book checked out: errrk i think a romance by jennifer cruise
    Last movie seen: how to lose a guy in 10 days
    Last beverage drank: water w/o ice @ dennys
    Last food consumed: extra spearmint gum (now with extra long lasting flavor)
    Last crush: im assuming that isnt current crush so mike
    Last phone call: my sister asking me where the hell i was
    Last time showered: this morning
    Last shoes worn: green flip flops
    Last cd player: haha i stole eddies but i still have it, ive never owned a CD player *sniff*
    Last item bought: winter formal dress
    Last annoyance: joseph and his on again off again personality
    Last disappointment: not going over to my boyfriends house afterschool, although i guess i would rather him sleep and take kare of his body *snaps fingers* drat this cunundrum
    Last time wanting to die: a while back i dont remember exactly when...
    Last time scolded: last night my dad ranting about his unhealthy daughter running off to a dance in the middle of the night with some "crazy teenager"
    Last shirt worn: the uhh ecko shirt im wearing now?
    Last website visited: yahoo to check my mail
    Monday, January 26th, 2004
    7:20 pm
    -update-
    yesterday was me and eddies 11th month!! he went snowboarding and i went to the brea with gloria but i came home and he sent me this e card that says:
    Judy,
    I've waited my whole life for this moment. For when you would be mine, and I would be yours. And I've finally found you. And now, my love for you is like an eternal flame. As long as we're together, nothing in the world can put it out. Happy 11 month sweetheart. May there be many more to come.
    Eddie
    *big nose scrunching sniff* eeek, makes me all warm and gushy inside~ haha love of my life, today at lunch we were eating burritos and he wiped my mouth with kleenex he licked >.< haha okay it sounds gross but it was retardedly beautiful, the effortless casual intimacy~ *long sigh* fallin in love with him all over again lately...

    me and gloria are growing into two completly different people...my mom used to tell me it would happen, she'd tell me we had stuff in common now but later on we'd be so different there'd be nothing to be friends about. we care about different things...she dropped out of high school...talking about moving out and getting a job...*shrugs* im not judging its just when we talk we're not intrested in each other anymore. i wonder whats gonna happen between us...
    Saturday, January 24th, 2004
    9:58 am
    -r.i.p.jamie-
    two days ago i went to eddies house in the morning because it was a late start day, thought maybe we could burn a hole in his bed or sumthing...we're cuddling for five min when his phone rings, apperantly tiffany came early to and with no where to go she decided to hang out with eddie. she comes over, i think if he wants to keep bumpin and grinding he woulda told her not to come if only to respect her or me but she comes over and sits in the living room so me and eddie can "sleep" in his room...so yea we slept together. after i turned to my side and was just thinking, this is the love of my life, my knight in shining armor, i have a tendancy to make things worse than they are at times like these...mostly because if im not in the romantic fairy tale i think maybe i'd like to at least live the romantic tragedy...i get quiet, he asks whats wrong, i say nothing, i dont like to state the problem when im not sure yet what it is...we go to school i write him a letter about tiffany coming over and everyone coming up to me asking me about winter formal...really im not as concerned with this letter as i usually am cause i know he'll just read it and note the information on it. that night we were talking on the phone he asked me why i have to make his life so hard, he said his mom thinks its stupid how a guy has to go through so much just to ask a girl to winter formal, so then i said "eddie will yoo go to winter formal with me?" and he said "jusy why do you always have to ruin it for me?" and so i shut up, cause i cant make it easier unless i let go of everything...which i wont...but this i can do, i dont expect it of him, i can take my fairy tale my hopes my dreams and tuck it someplace in the back of my mind to be a part of me i just wont show, and i really dont expect it of him, maybe then it'll be easier for eddie.
    yesterday i go to school the first thing sal says to me is "im asking kat to the winter formal but i wanted to suprise her so i asked her if it was okay if we didnt go and she was crying and i was laughing and im gonna suprise her tommorow" and i said you jerk shes sitting there crying and you think its funny...
    last night eddie took me to red lobster, it was great, my first time going there and we stuffed ourselves silly, debated over which team was better with the waiter (obviously the clippers *rolls eyes*) it was fun we laughed alot. outside there were some kids selling long stemmed roses, he bought me one and took me to the back of the resturant and said "judy will yoo go to winter formal with me?" and i said yes and we hugged and kissed and all that good stuff xP .
    he called me when he got home and in the middle of the conversation his mom called him over and he was like oh shit are you serious?! as it turns out jamie died, jamies a fish i gave him cause hes my guppy. its the first pet he had thats ever died, it sucked, he asked me what would he do if his dog died and i didnt know how to be there for him...we went to sleep he told me he'd call me in the morning...
    i dont know what to do for winterformal...the hair the make up the dress the transportation...theres only two weeks...i wonder if i have to pay for it myself... *scratches head* this is all kinds of confusing, i wish gloria still came here damn it...
    Wednesday, January 21st, 2004
    3:35 pm
    -the link-
    wow.
    erm..
    so i went to the library with eddie to pick up my bio book and he asked the librarian if he had any fines, she said yes. then she said "well do you need a form to prove you payed, are you goin to winter formal or prom?" and he said "uhhh... winter formal" and i was like *eyebrows shoot up* and shes like oh yoo havent asked her yet, oh geez im sorry. and we go outside and crack up and then he gets real quite and thats the end of that...
    i remain in a mental state of head tilting...
    Tuesday, January 20th, 2004
    9:45 pm
    -winter formal sux all kinds of ass-
    lydia has just IMed me, asking me if i have a dress yet, i told her i didnt think i was going and she said trust me you are eddie asked me if he could share my limo, i think would eddie put me in a limo with his ex?! and if so am i really so hard to understand?! and why am i always asking for so much? so i wont ask for anything, theres nothing that could make me ask for this, whatever happens happens, i refuse to apply pressure wih my fairy tales, what i dont have i will dream about and nothing more...that and i dont believe eddie would put me in the same car with his ex on such a special day...then again isnt it cheaper to share limos...and would it be special to him?...so if he asks me i risk being a moody ass because you have to be polite they're his friends and if he doesnt i wouldnt be suprised and i'd stay home and sulk...suddenly all i want to do is dissapear...
    8:49 pm
    -without a note of sadness-
    almost chinese new years! i wrote an email to joe, he says he might end it with ashley, im suprised even though she grates on my nerves...i think "wow shes your first and theres so many to come" which is funny since he hasnt ever really came before, i think hes doing the right things even though a part of me screams "how can you just fall out of love? isnt love forever?" im skared cause joes a great, more importantly tOlerant guy and if he cant stay in love with his obnoxious first whose to say eddie cant suddenly fall out of love with me? its just a thought though since i've recently figured out just how crazy about him i am and it is amazing to have such a relationship, to be so comfortable and laid back but still passionate and exciting...haha, im happy. truly im just loving life right now. grades are coming in, i dont have the best but im pretty happy with what i've got, it being what i deserve and in some cases a little more.
    i went to azn american expo on sunday, i ditched eddie for gloria who ditched me which was sad but it was fun anywas since we met up later and spending the time with eddie and his dad was fun. i was suposed to have music written for my song on monday but joseph forget me (crush on me my ass) this would be the second time he forgot me im starting to think im being unintentionally blocked from him mind *scratches head* im making a cheesecake right now for eddie, was supposed to be for his family but his dad cant eat fat and his mom doesnt like cheesecakes, so much for scoring points with the parents. people keep asking if im going to winterformal, haha its funny cause they're the same ppl who remember i said i would go to homecoming and i wasnt asked so i keep telling them no. i guess thats okay though, its just a dance right? besides theres so much to plan in so little time the hair the dress the limo the reservations i dont think it can all get done. i do plan on staying home and sulking that day though, i believe its well deserved sulking time. haha can you imagine? i'll be walking around my house in a bathrobe with my tub of ben and jerrys ~
    Friday, January 16th, 2004
    10:15 pm
    -china (zhong) buffet-
    *big goofy smile*
    my bby he just left (hes driving xP) he came over to tonys and we went to a buffet, the food was okay. twelv3e of us went: tony, li wen, darren, jenn, jul, steff, jefferson, michi, me, eddie, christine and al. mucho fun and we came home and i changed and it was just so comfortable, in an old t shirt makin out on my couch talking about weekend plans...i was like woah, suddenly theres no wonder why im with him.
    all kinds of happy but happyness isnt rare, today im suprised cause im cOntent. with us, with the way things are with what we have, with what we want. i love him, he loves me, its all good xP
    11:48 am
    -withdrawn-
    yesterday morning i went to eddies house early, it was good, we took a shower together. it was the first time i really liked being on top, it never ceases to suprise me how many differnt positions he knows, lately it seems he wants me less and less, i wonder if maybe it was more exciting when i was the innocent shy girl then whoever it is i am now. my favorite position is still missionary, because im a hopeless romantic and because its simplicty allows for a connection more than physical, its been a while since we've restorted to missionary which i guess is okay since in my mind its probably the most intimate position *shrugs* im weird like that. later we walked to school, im usually on quite literally a natural high afterwards mostly cause i have a distorted percetion of sex being more than just sex, which is is with us, just that maybe its more than more than just sex to me...im not sure yet, anyways as we're walking to class im wearing heels and he walks too fast for me, its annoying because throughout the day he asks me to go look at his grades with him and what not and he walks five feet ahead of me...i was hungry (you never realize how much it is guys do till your on top, im in desperate need to go to the gym) so i bought a burrito for myself and a pizza for eddie, the pizza ended up being stale, god is trying to make me a failure. the lot of us decide my mom will take us to speedzone afterschool. in chinese class me shirley and linda are talking about jelousy (some things never change) we take turns telling our storys and sympathyzing for each other, its in agreement that linda is the least jelous of us all although shes the coldest one when jelousy occurs. i eat an orange tictac (now 30% larger)
    afterschool i get a message on my phone saying that dad has left with the car and i am stranded. im also the ride, god is tryin to make me a failure. i find my sister we obtain rides, i must go home because my mother wont let me miss my dogs obedience class. eddie and kat come with me. kat eats the food and raids the cuboards, i pop chicago into the dvd player, no one is watching it, eddie sits next to me for a few minutes but succumbs, as most men do, to the lure of food. we prepare to walk the dog. i keep thinking some things are a given, going to the first school formal, your boyfriend walking with you when your walking by yourself. but ofcourse kat is walking by herself and she knows knows none of my family so good friend that eddie is he keeps her company. im not jelous, not of kat, i wonder as i have for a while when i'll stop reading so much into everything he does. she gets into a shopping cart, he pushes it. he was in a shopping cart when i fell in love with him, in the middle of the night in the parking lot of rite aid, its my favorite memory, i probably wouldnt have been so emotional except i wonder if he remebers that particular memory. im not sure exactly why though he says he has horrible memory, but he rarely remembers what we've done. when we had talked earlier i asked for reasurance and he said where's my reasureance and i said sorry, what have i to reasure you of? am i a horrible girlfriend? a horrible friend? i sat next to him holding in my tears. how has it turned out that the one im closest to i cant even cry in front of...i want to go somewhere alone and cry and feel the comfort of arms that forgive, that accept, that love.
    after we walked the dog home we went to golfland arcade to play minigolf, i paid for eddie mostly because i keep wanting to do something for him and partly because he complains occasionally about money, i guess we all do. mini golf was fun, me and kat did pretty bad, it was mostly between sal and eddie. the arcade was rustic, old and familiar, they had a nickle arcade and what not. me and kat played DDR, i have no coordination but it was panicy fun. we left when they closed and we drove up a scary hill. then we parked at the medical center near my house and kat streaked. she and sal were making out and what not, i tried to with eddie, everyone was laughing and everytime it was near real something would become a joke. nothing's ever serious anymore, just sex and jokes...thats unfair, it is more, im just griping, have i the right to ask to take me seriously?

    im sixteen years old. tell me, how old am i?
    Wednesday, January 14th, 2004
    9:21 pm
    -the comforts of home-
    sipping on warm red bean soup that my daddy made xP , just got back from the gym all fresh and clean, my dog evo's sleeping next to me...makes me all squishy and warm inside~
    currently im reading the novel lost in translation (compliments of gloria) by nicole mones, a quote in particular stood out to me:

    "chinese men are reserved. much more reserved than western men."
    "reserved?"
    "thats right"
    like jian, she thought. jian, who had been able to communicate to her with a single hard look in some public place - on the street or in a roomful of friends - what he planned to do to her the minute they were alone. jian, who had been with her for weeks before finally reaching out and touching her neck, her hair; who had taken over her body with agonizing slowness, over a period of many more weeks, showing her finally when he went to bed with her that physical sex was only one more link in the chain that bound them

    the story branches into one of a women who falls in love with a priest, the priest falls in love with her but for higher purposes he cannot completly give himself to her, because she loved him she spent her life with him, connecting on every level except physically. she succumed to self-deception. she told herself he would leave his order for her and had ended up waiting all her life in vain. she was alone in the bitter sea with only a priest by her side, and she wrote in her diary:

    i suppose alot of the things i have been living on were built by my own imagination - that is not his fault ...

    good book, go buy it, especially if you've been to china before, it refrences places exactly as they are. i was drawn to the particular conflict between the priest and the women more so because i like to romanticize my life, even if its only my struggles.
    Sunday, January 11th, 2004
    7:44 pm
    -restless-
    i have this wicked awsome burn on my hand thats screams of my retarded attempt to take the cheesecake out of the oven using pure "skill" instead of the "oven mitts", pretty fly prety fly. my gym date with gloria has been canceled for reasons im still not sure of "judy im still at joes house if my mom calls im with you at the mall" all kinds of fun be goin on without me. im officially failing most of my classes...which im startin to feel real bad about, but then again u only start to feel bad when theres not much yoo kan do to help it...
    i walked to glorias house yesterday, i called her in the afternoon and she told me to be at the mall at 5 and i offered to walk to her house and she said are you crazy you never offer and i thought really i dont. it was good though, the fresh air, the walking, i needed the solitude. joe and arron came over, it was fun ,they're a hilarious group the lot of them, arron despite his peversness has an acute sense of emotions and while he was mocking me for being weird he did ask if i was okay because i didnt seem quite there, ofcourse right after he made a crack about my alien being trancended into space...
    i went to 99 rance market with my DBHS short on and the guy serving samples was like i used to go to DB haha ur wearin p.e. shorts and i was like haha your serving food. then i spilled vingar and he was called to clean it and he was like haha you spilled something and i was like haha you have to clean it.
    Saturday, January 10th, 2004
    10:16 am
    -the last two days-
    yesterday was kathys dance concert, how i envy those who do not posses the stereotypical rhythm of a white boi. before it started i threw my shoe at sals foot and he threw it at eddie who fell off his chair and i laffed, instantly feelin bad i was about to say sorry but he thre my shoe across the theater floor and i was like okay yea real mature. but i felt bad for laffin so i didnt wanna say anything and the show started. inbetween one of the dances he said sorry and i said sorry and it was all chill again. i still have the stupid dangly things for our cell phones that i bought in that giddy kinda excitment when he told me he was gettin a new cell phone, i was like woohoo. i think ima just use it for a scrap book or sumthin. he ended up hanging lydias dangly thing because she was pushing the whole "i bought yoo a gift and ur not gonna use it" thing, that was an ouch but i guess i understand, he was a swthrt about it too, i was like i understand and he was like i noe but yoo shouldnt have to i always do this to yoo...see wut i mean? nothings ever intentional, then we both end up feeling bad basically because of the way i take things, although to be completly honest i really do thing if he wouldnt let his girlfriend hang sumthing on his cell phone letting his ex girlfriend hang it just because she begged and i didnt is like deliberatly stabbing someone in the back, but we think so differntly that it happens all the time *shrugs* what kan yoo do right? (movie quote "whats wrong?" "my back hurts it feels like someone stabbed it with a knife" shanghai night xP)
    eddie mentioned that he thought joseph liked me, i asked kat and sal, kat said fo sho and sal said maybe cause sal thinks romeo likes me but then again romeo likes any girl that gives him the time of day, hes a twin so its that inferiority complex, i guess i had the hunch that joseph might have a thing for me in the begining but then it was impossible cause all the "signs" were directed equaly to other girls so i had assumed that it was his way of recovering from what hurt he'd just gone throo, so if he likes me he respects me enuf to understand that im taken and i like him as a friend, and if he doesnt then hes just another weird friend in the circle of weird people i know, besides does this sound like he likes me?

    FineGuyJ04: Yo
    FineGuyJ04: You
    FineGuyJ04: Person
    x lDy sErApH x: ?
    x lDy sErApH x: hello jeseph
    FineGuyJ04: I had the weirdest ass dream last night
    FineGuyJ04: And you were in it
    x lDy sErApH x: haha
    FineGuyJ04: Like...
    x lDy sErApH x: tell me about it
    FineGuyJ04: Well it's kind of weird
    FineGuyJ04: But I was in the bathroom shitting
    x lDy sErApH x: hahahahaha
    FineGuyJ04: And then alla sudden you walk in
    FineGuyJ04: And you sit in front of me
    x lDy sErApH x: hahahahahaha
    FineGuyJ04: And you're like so close I could reach out and touch you
    x lDy sErApH x: errrrrkkk
    FineGuyJ04: And I'm like... Um......
    x lDy sErApH x: hahaha
    FineGuyJ04: So then I grab the TP and I start wiping my ass but I run out of toilet paper
    x lDy sErApH x: hahahahahahahaha
    x lDy sErApH x: wow u have such wonderful dreams
    FineGuyJ04: So you go get some for me, right?
    x lDy sErApH x: uh huh
    FineGuyJ04: And when you come back, you sit in front of me again
    FineGuyJ04: ANd you stare at me
    x lDy sErApH x: haha
    FineGuyJ04: And I'm like.. Umm... that's kind of weird
    FineGuyJ04: You know?
    FineGuyJ04: But I don't want to be like, "Stop staring"
    FineGuyJ04: because that would have been rude
    x lDy sErApH x: if a guy is shitting kan u see his penis if your sitting in front of him?
    FineGuyJ04: Uh, yes.
    x lDy sErApH x: ofcourse joes still being polite in the bathroom
    x lDy sErApH x: lolz
    FineGuyJ04: But I was leaning forward so you couldn't see my penis
    x lDy sErApH x: hahaha
    x lDy sErApH x: okay
    x lDy sErApH x: good to know
    FineGuyJ04: But you kept staring anyway
    x lDy sErApH x: at your face right?!
    x lDy sErApH x: cause ima good grl
    x lDy sErApH x: !!
    FineGuyJ04: And you know, I can't exactly cover my penis while I'm wiping my ass
    x lDy sErApH x: hahahahaha
    FineGuyJ04: And then I get like mad suddenly
    FineGuyJ04: And I stand up
    FineGuyJ04: And I say, "You want to see? Fine! See!"
    x lDy sErApH x: hahahahahahaha
    FineGuyJ04: And I stand up and my penis is like right in front of your face
    FineGuyJ04: ANd for some reason it's really tiny....
    x lDy sErApH x: eWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
    FineGuyJ04: And you laugh at my because it's so small
    x lDy sErApH x: "for some reason"
    x lDy sErApH x: awwwww
    FineGuyJ04: It's like a midget's dick
    x lDy sErApH x: i wouldnt laff joseph
    x lDy sErApH x: lolz
    FineGuyJ04: Haha...
    x lDy sErApH x: thats it?!
    x lDy sErApH x: thats the dream?!
    FineGuyJ04: Well.. that was the only part involving you
    x lDy sErApH x: u had a dream that i laffed at your size?
    x lDy sErApH x: woah man
    FineGuyJ04: LoL AND you watched me shit
    Thursday, January 8th, 2004
    7:25 pm
    -definition of love-
    Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

    Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.
    - Captain Corelli's Mandolin
    4:25 pm
    -winter formal-
    woah man, im walkin to my locker afterschool and my cell keeps beeping but i cant be bothered to check the message cause my mom gets anal when im late, so as im walkin to the gas station my phone rings and i pick up and its eddie and he says hey where u at and im like im walkin to the car and hes like is you mom here yet? i say nope and he goes hold on im coming, so after he hangs up i check my inbox and it says "hey bbygirl this is my new number btw...but uhh do you wanna go to winter formal with me?" at first i think its eddie cause he just called and hes comin over and i kant think of someone who want to take me to winter formal, then im like i cant imagine eddie ever callin me bby girl and i dont think he would ask me in such a uniquely unromatic way, but then im gettin all kinds of giddy cause its winter formal and two days ago i was talkin to my mom about gettin contacts if i go to a dance and she was like who asked yoo? and i said no one and she said oh god judy dont be concieted no ones askin yoo!! haha so im sitting there confused and he comes up to me and i hug him and dorky me im tryin to find out who it is im like i got your text message and he looks at me funny so i show it to him and hes like thats not me and im like oh well this is just a comfortable situation, then it hits me that gloria calls me bbygirl so im like *whoosh* relief and dissapointment and embarasment but mostly relief that i new who it was. im such a dork xP
    Monday, January 5th, 2004
    7:31 pm
    -torn-
    *sigh* i talk to him online, i know im being a bitch, i keep thinking he'd understand, he says whi dont yoo just tell me whats wrong and i say i was supposed to come over today, he says i noe, i say you had a project, he says i noe i wish i didnt, he goes on away his message says hmmmmm i dont noe ... i have this caution with letters and emails and online chatting, its solid proof, i remember him showing me a personal letter once and i thought what if you show my letters to someone else? what if secrets suddenly slip out when your talking like glorias mexican? what if other ppl find out what i meant for only you to know like kathy asking me things i never told anyone? what happens when i come to you wanting to die and the instant i smile again everythings okay? what happens then? what if im being a bitch because i dont know how to HANDLE jelousy and all i want is reasurance and i get an away message with hmmmm i dont know?! i fucked up in getting back with him under those circumstances, i should have KNOWN that him askin was important to me to a point that i still feel like there must be some mistake, somehow there must have been a glitch because how can you love somebody enuf to want them back and hurt them enough to make them feel like they're worth nothing?! to have it impact them so much that they dont believe when u tell them they're beautiful, that they dont know if you love them. and all the logic of what he must be going throo with my mood swings or the pride that couldnt be swalowed for me to be asked, none of that is clear throo the pure terror that somehow im not worth it, and its not and inferiority complex because i know what im worth and i know who i am but when im with him its all there, the unanswered questions the issues, and unintentionally he's torn me apart inside, its like shame and anger and loss and desperation each time something small happens eVERYTHING thats unfinished is there... i dont know what to do...
    4:10 pm
    -bi.polar-
    *lifts eyebrow* my boyfriend is at his house doing a project with his ex girlfriend who just got him a model car for christmas and tiffany. i trust that he wont do anything ofcourse but its just not one of those thrilling moments, and then he has to look guilty and be like im sorry i know you dont like it, well if you knew i wouldnt like it and you did it anyways what exactly are you apologizing for? we were talkin on the phone two days ago and he says he misses me so i say how bout i come over monday *wink*wink* and today im walkin him to class and he mentions that hes workin on a project afterschool, completely forgetting that i was coming over...that was...ouch...he walks me to the gas sation though because he's a sweetheart and says he wants to make me feel better cause i was down the whole day...i didnt want him to walk me, i choked him on sort of accident, like one of those reflex acts of random violence that now that you read this you think im crazy and wont go anywhere near me but yes i do have random acts of violence to be unleashed when i feel like a cornered animal...i love him, i do, i just wish sometimes i had fallen for someone romantic, instead of everyone asking me "hey are you goin to homecomeing?" and stupid me i say "he hasnt asked yet *giggle*" and ofcourse come homecoming i realize he isnt goin to ask me and whats more hadnt thought it important enough to tell me so at least i wouldnt look stupid when everyone asks "so how was homecoming?"..."i didnt go"..."but didnt eddie ask you?!", i write in my planner almost as it it's a diary and for the month of december i have doodles all over the calender about how sweet it would be to be taken to a resturant or a cozy cuddleing thing at home and get this ring with the whole i love you bby cause really a ring is a ring its what it means that matters right? he gave me the ring at brunch next to my locker with an explanation as to whi it wasnt my size, no romantic setting, no explanation or even an i love you bby, dont get me wrong its a drop dead gorgeous ring and im thrilled it just means less then what i had thought a ring would mean...then theres the star, yup i have a star named after me in the sky, can you imagine? sitting at the park lookin up at the stars as he points to the perfect night sky and whispers that that one is yours, named after his bby, actually he came over on the morning of my sixteenth birthday and gave me the certificate with a map of where my star was and told me that if was best seen in october, then we went to disneyland with a giant horde of friends and at night as we were sitting there watching the fireworks i turn to see him holding a boquet of roses, the first ever boquet of flowers i'd ever recieved, and he said oh kathy says happy birthday these are from her...oh the romance. oh the seduction. be still my beating heart. he is a sweetheart though, all the boyish charms and the innocent sincerity, hes trys and for that i love him, still i have to wonder what it costs me to hope...
    Sunday, January 4th, 2004
    8:38 pm
    -brutal honesty-
    nobody knows who i am!! no longer will i make the mistake of creating a diary that everyone i know will read therefore reducing the oppertunity for honesty and much needed peace of mind!! my inner self thanks me. its cold and in 15 min i will run upstairs and call eddie so i guess there will be none of that introduction to who i am and my past and what not. my fingers are freezing, its cold, i can feel it in my bones!! -------------------- "its okay if your flat next time just wear a push up bra" ... "i AM" -------------------- http://www.futureme.org/ at this site you can write a letter to yourself to be sent to you in the future, i thought it was sorta neat.
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