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mood |
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 cranky |
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music |
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Namie Amuro - Joy (Straight Run) |
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It’s been awhile…I’m just so depressed. I’m 100% sure I have AvPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder). Sometimes, I’m so good around people. Most of the time, I just want to hide in my dorm, and not talk to any one. I guess it’s true, I’m realizing now, that I’m really not interested in most people - a lot of the people on my floor are really quite boring, and frankly, just not my people. But on the flip side, a lot of people on the third floor are not interested in me. I guess it’s true that a lot of people aren’t interested in getting to know others. I mean, of course who’d want to know me. Ha, I shouldn’t get so down on myself. I probably had my chance to make friends, and surprise! I blew it. I’m sort of priding myself on being weird. I should probably be studying more, instead of going out of my way t be a freak. I just failed my first math test of the year. How sad it that? It’s very sad. I’m probably going to flunk, unless I start ot study more. But how can I study more? Why, by not being so depressed! But, every time I try to treat myself, I just get more lazy. Like, I’ll watch some anime, read some manga, and then be so tired, so I’ll go to sleep. How fucking lazy is that!! I’ve developed such bad habits. I’m just tired all the time. I don’t want to do anything.
To prove my point, I just played with my iTunes and looked at wikipedia for 20 minutes!! (closes internet). There. Now, WTF is wrong with me. I’m always tired, my sleep patterns are all fucked up…I NEED to make myself better. Have healthy social/work/school/sleep life. Why don’t I start? Well, I have. After thanksgiving dinner, I didn’t have as many chips as I could have. Yes, that’s a start (I still had some.). God, why don’t I make a list of what I want to do. Because honestly, I think the only way I’m going to get stuff done is my making a list, and then applying strict Buddhist principles (what? The “atheist” is saying this?) I had a revelation in my Asian Religion class. Mann-sensei was lecturing, and he was talking about the 8 fold path, and it was just so beautiful, I almost started crying. And then he looked me in the eyes, and I was like “oh fuck, I’m fine”. Anyway, Buddhism is like a set of rules to make yourself live to your fullest. Christianity is like a set of rules making you hate others, and live your life according to someone else’s standards. I guess Buddhism is like that too, but it doesn’t really have a bible telling you to go out and start hating on sexy yaoi mens (is that all everything boils down to? Why, I think it is!). And Buddhism is nothing like that. I just wants you to have clarity of mind. So right, my list…
- Study enough for all my classes (while I’m on that topic…)
- Go to all my classes (XD)
- Cut down on useless internet time
- See my friends enough
- Clean my living area
- Not eat so much
…aaaand, that’s about it! I think that list was more a list of needs, as opposed to wants. Wants would be those, plus “yaoi, sexy bf, sexy mens :D~” XD. Which I kind of… “need” I guess, but I don’t want to need. I’m just a terrible person. I won’t even consider those close to me as dateable, but handsome guys from afar, fuck yesh (not a typo, because it‘s a drunken “falk yesh!”)! I just need to stop expecting something. I just need to not even be expecting it. Unfortunately “a woman know who she wants to sleep with in the first 6 seconds of meeting someone” rings all too true for me (6? Try 0.5). So…random sexy encounter is out of the question. Well, I guess I mean “slow building sexy encounter” is out…before it could build, I’d bust his balls, and he’d hop on the next ho! I hope. No one can linger on me too long, at least no one I’d ditch. Sexy men, come lust over me~~! …not likely. Not at all. It makes me so deeply sad, realizing that I’m likely not going to get a boyfriend for the next four years. Hopefully just two (c’mon sexy Japanese guys, like me pleeeease!!!), but realistically, it’s gonna be four. Then I’ll set myself up in Shibuya (or somewhere) with a good business deal, and make a nice, semi-normal, life for myself.
That is, if I don’t flunk out of business. I KNOW this is dead serious. I KNOW I can’t be playing here. I feel now that something has awakened in me to work just too damn hard, for Japan. I keep telling myself “for Japan”, but never really thought about it. Now, I feel like I can’t let anyone down. Not Japan, not my mother (who was telling new b/f #2088 how I am “smart”…she obviously doesn’t know I bombed that math test), and for my future. After I found out ((evil-evil-bad-man who could be castrated)) kissed me on the cheek - it really hit me that this life is only once. There are only moments that can happen once, and my not flunking uni is one of them. Well, that night, I had my first “kiss somebody on the neck” (that poor, poor man), so it wasn’t THAT bad. But first lip kiss…I need that shit to be perfect. Someone I want, someone who wants me…something that AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN anytime soon. Somehow, I just doubt it. But it’s fun to think about. (romance mode) “I meet him in the library”…maybe not so good for my studying. Man, I bet Jen’s just rolling in the pussy (what classy language…). For real man. (I don’t think she’s so picky XD) And me? Supposedly having my pick of men…from the FUGLY ENGINEERS!! Gross. I like that Matt guy though. Not like “THAT”, but like…I love him and want to go drinking with him. Love. Just love. Just, am so happy that I totally assaulted him, and he didn’t even care. That was awesome. And he’s like…5 beers to make hot (lol…and I’m what? He had a lot and wasn’t all over me, so I can only conclude it‘s in the upper echelon of the double digits).
Now, enough about drunken encounters that end up sucking. I think I’m going to get fired (bonzai!), but it’ll just be really awkward to go there and get the message. But really, Wal-mart is for people who can’t be serious about school work. Like, it’s all HS students, workaholics (Gracey!!) or HS drop-outs. Not really uni students. Not me. I shouldn’t work there. I should quit. I don’t have the (what’s the word)…“spur”…to work there after I get off classes, and stay there until sleep time. It’s just WAAAY too much. But fuuuuck, they called dad’s house, and yeah. It’s gonna be bloody awkward to go there on Tuesday. All like “why’d I not show up…three days in a row! Why were you 6 hours late one day! Why are you ALWAYS at least 15 minutes late!” Well…it’s won’t go that bad. I’ve been fired enough to know how it goes. All low voice and shit…Gawd, I just wanna get fired, so hopefully they left me a message on my uni phone delivering the news, to save us all from awkwardness. I have been a fairly good worker though, and I do have that shit from that documentary to fire at them. Muwahaha. It’s 2:30, and I think I’ll sleep now, in following with trying to be a better person by having a good sleep schedule.
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annoyed
determined
blah
melancholy
tired
sad
calm
crazy
complacent
lonely
pissed off
anxious
crappy
exhausted