| Brain Purge |
[13 Dec 2005|09:55am] |
It's been a while since I sat down to do some sort of journal writing, even longer since my last brain purging. So much has changed, but I'm exactly the same. I'm a senior now. Next semester is my last. I have to do my thesis/project for ComCol, and that's stressing my beyond belief. I need to talk to them but for some reason I keep putting it off. Then there are my other classes. I don't even want to talk about those. They make me too stressed/depressed/frustrated. Suffice to say, every one of my classes has had a late assignment at the least. It's not a good situation. Thinking about next semester, I think it's going to be good in some ways, but in others.... It's my last semester and things are going to be coming to a close all spring. I'm already getting info about my diploma and graduation itself.
In other news, I have a boyfriend. I still feel weird saying that. Not in a bad way. I just get this feeling like "me? a boyfriend? no! not possible" whenever I say it. So instead I call him my boy and leave it at that. Everyone knows what I mean. We've been spending so much time together. I'd be doing that stereotypical neglecting of the friends in favor of the bf if I had friends to neglect. Maybe I don't talk to Meg as much, but we still talk fairly frequently. I haven't been talking to rents as much though. Seeing as they're the only ones who call me. I feel bad about that. I've also been putting off my work. I don't know if it's to a higher degree then normal or what, but I notice. I feel like spending most of your time with another person, no matter who they are, can't be healthy. I mean, we eat together, watch tv together, he hangs out at my room while I do hw, he helps me study, we go shopping together.... and... I've started sleeping in his room on occasion. We haven't had sex, and I hope we don't for a long time. But wow, sleeping in the same bed together. Last night I left his room bcs I don't like his alarm clock. It was 3:30 and I had meant to leave at 2:00. I don't know why, but he shut off his alarm. I'm PMSing, so I'm bitchy, and I was mad at him when I woke up. This morning I saw him on AIM, I wanted to say something to him but didn't know what. I wanted him to IM me, even though it was just a few minuted before he had to go to class. I feel like such a needy, dependent child. I tried to push him away, but wanted him to be happy. So I went along with spending all our time together and I go and get used to it. God damn it, Michelle was so right about everything. All the little things, like him wanting to walk me at night, sleeping together, everything. I started off being scared and paranoid, but now I have Michelle's warnings hanging over my head. The worst part of it is every once in a while the words "I love you" pop into my head. I just barely censor myself in those moment. I can't think of anything better to say, and it just seems right. But I'm terrified and we talked about it. He isn't ready for that either. Why the hell is this so complicated and why am I just figureing this out now that I'm a senior in college!
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| Every time I do it takes me back |
[12 Sep 2005|12:31am] |
So here I am again.
I'm back in Amherst, sitting in my dorm room with my new roomy. She's pretty cool, transfer student. Don't know a whole lot about her, we haven't hung out and talked much. I'm kinda busy not. How unusual! It's kinda nice, makes me feel important. Like being TWS treasurer, handling the money and all. Freaks me out a bit too. Having all these big responsabilities and what not. Like handling money... and the conclave. I'm doing registration. That's going to be a lot of organizing! I feel so disorganized already. I just got my posters up, still haven't figured what to do about my printer and my desk isn't terribly convenient. And I have too many pillows for my own good. And food. There's a lot of food in my room. The flour is going pretty quick though. I've made 2 pies already. Wont be another one for a while though. It's a long process and I get pretty tired. The butter isn't cheap either. Speaking of pie, Chris really likes it. I mean, keeps talking about it. I like that people like my pie, but I'm not sure how I feel about his rave reviews.
gtg, it's bed time.
~*~
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| Stress |
[03 Jul 2005|04:51pm] |
OMG, I am so stressed out right now. I'm leaving tomorrow for a 2 month internship in VA. It's going to be great, but I haven't packed much. I have to do everything today. My parents aren't helping very much. I don't know why. They totally ignored me this morning till dad was like "do you want waffles?" Then once I complained about my rash getting worse they were like "so you want to go to the dr?" Um, yeah! That's what I said last night. They aren't being encouraging or helpful. It's all just "did you do this? what are you going to do about (something general)?" I know I'm supposed to be a big girl and do it myself, but they should know better then anyone else I can't and I get stressed when I pack. And this isn't just going back out to Amherst, this is going somewhere I haven't really been before, with ppl I've never met, doing things I've never done before. What the hell! Can I get some kind of assistance? And the only things they helped me with before were asking if I called ppl and telling me what to pack. How am I supposed to take all this stuff on a train without a baggage check?!?!?
So fucking stressed.
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| Quiz attack |
[22 Jun 2005|03:10pm] |
Duty and Loyalty: You serve your purpose and do
what you must do. People would consider you
someone to rely on, and one who keeps his/her
word when he/she gives it.
Which Characteristic From the Samurai Code Matches You Best? (You may find out your best trait)
brought to you by Quizilla
You're Element is Water. You are soft and serene at
most times but like Wind, you're scary when
you're angry. You proabaly have a talent is
singing and even your speaking voice is lovely.
You have an innocent type of beauty that makes
you look younger than you are and you like
close relationships with people. (please
forgive me if you cannot see the pics. If you
go to my userpage then you can see your result
picture at the bottom)
What's Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES)
brought to you by Quizilla
Easter
What Holiday Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are a simple princess! That doesnt mean you
cant have all the wealth in the world no, it
just doesnt appeal to you. You are refreshingly
innocent and happy with your life of purity and
play. Nature is the setting you prefer to be in
- Always. Barefoot and wild you can't be tamed.
You'll grow up someday, but you'll always be a
child at heart. You are adventurous and love to
take risks, and feel a deep connection with the
weather, plants, and animals. You prefer
sunshine to thunder or snow, the warmth of
summer to autumn's chill, and quiet forests to
suburban backyards. Though you can be childish,
naive, stubborn, and self-absorbed, one thing
is certain - life with you will never be
boring!
Which proud princess are you? (Dazzling pics and detailed results!)
brought to you by Quizilla
Reserved, quiet, wise and free spirited
You are a sprite of the Earth: You have a deep
connection with the earth and all its
creatures, preferring plants and animals to
people you are quiet and reserved. You
understand things on a different level and can
often see straight through to a persons true
intentions. You are mysterious to everyone even
those in your family, they may live with you
but that doesn't mean they 'know' the real you.
Being inside the house for long periods of time
can be torture, you crave the outdoors and love
simply escaping up a tree or into the forest
where you can be free. Although you may be
smart you are easy to judge a person because
you fear what they 'may' be going to do. You
are wise in things that most overlook and you
are very creative in many aspects like art,
music, etc... Although try as they may to seek
you, you are a free spirit. Just let them try
to catch and put you in a cage.
.::=What type of Mythical Sprite are you?=::. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla
Your wise quote is: "Be kind to unkind people,
they probably need it the most" by
Ashleigh Brilliant.
You try to look beyond apperance, try to give
people second chances and are probably very
kind. Understanding is your biggest personality
trait, and thoose you can see through should be
grateful. If they aren't already. You detest
narrow minded people, because they can't see
what's really there. Facades is not your thing
and you strive to always be who you really are.
What wise quote fits you?(pics) UPDATED
brought to you by Quizilla
You are a nature loving anime girl.You love all
types of animals and care for them.You are a
calm person and loves to have people around.You
love to be outside just admiring your
surroundings and playing with the animals that
are around.Now just if you keep loving the
nature pretty soon everyone is going to copy
you maybe i'm really not sure.But do what you
do best and it will soon pay off ^_^
If You Were An Anime Character What Would You Look Like?(Girls Only)
brought to you by Quizilla
You are a
protector.
Yes, you don't like to kill people. That goes
against everything you belive in. It's not that
you are a coward, but your ideals and morals
wouldn't allow it. You are the typical hero, do
the righteous things, get the bad guys and do
it all legally. But just because you don't kill
doesn't mean you can't kick ass. And that is
what you do. You use your brain and your
strenght to do honourable deeds and protect
people you know and love. If an evil guy is
going to take over the world soon, it's you who
will get involved. You hate watching innocents
suffer, and love seeing bad people getting what
they deserve. You are probably also happy and
optimistic and work pretty good in groups. And
the friends you usually make are true ones.
Main weapon: Anything at all
Quote: "You only live once, but if
you do it right, once is enough" -Joe
Lewis
Facial expression: Smile
What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla
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[29 Apr 2005|09:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 disappointed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Funny Little Feeling- Rock'n'Roll Soldiers |
] |
I called Judith to see if she wanted to grab something to eat and go see Hitchhiker's. Yeah, um, she was in CT with Chris and Harsha. So that ruled out /anyone/ to so see H2G2 with. I didn't get dinner either. Might make Ramen and have a pity party in a bit. They were laughing const and when I asked why they didn't invite me I didn't really get an answer. It pisses me off that they wouldn't ask me to go. They said I'll find out why they went later, and then Chris said it's for me and they erupted in laughter. (Like it was the funnies idea they'd ever heard.) *Disgusted sigh* So I just scratched my wrists up, again. Last time was a convo w/Josh that sucked as much as it could have. I hope it shows, I hope someone notices. I want to spill my guts and not to a therapist. Wont go into that, but sufice to say I'm not going but only bcs it's so close to the end of the semester.
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| Dream from the other night |
[24 Apr 2005|09:01am] |
Lots of stuff, kinda confused, let's see what I remember.
The end:
I made out with someone, I think teacher boy. We were sitting next to eachother, he said something about going slow or not pushing me. I leaned over and kissed him, very hesitantly and gentle. I really liked it so I started to adjust how I was sitting (turned so I was sitting facing the opposite direction. Did that frantic kissing thing like in movies. It ended with me sucking his tongue, purposefully trying to get him to think of a blowjob.
There was a party at some point, I was unusually comfortable. Trying to get someone to dance? I wanted someones attention I think. [Damn, I should have wrote this yesterday when I remembered.]
Something also happened with wildlife or fisheries stuff. [Drats]
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| Well that was weird. |
[23 Apr 2005|08:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crappy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Maroon 5 |
] |
I just got back from what I believe was a date. One of my friends called me thursday night (like midnight) and asked if I wanted to go to dinner. I felt like it would have been ridiculous to say no, so we went. I had myself all psyched up to say "This isn't a date, right?" but I never did. Then, when I was about to he said one condition, he pays. I said no at first, but I gave in. That ruined me asserting the not-a-date thing, cuz yeah, it was. So things were pretty good, like normal really. Talking, food, talking ect. We get back to the dorm and he parks. (Crap) He walks me in... inside. (Crap) "This is where I leave you." "Ok, cool. See you later." (Is it me or does he have a weird look on his face? Hmm, maybe a hug is in order.) Hug..... and a kiss on the side of the head. (Crappity crap crap friggit!) Oh man, what do I do now! I have to tell him I'm not interested, and I'm sorry I didn't say anything before. But how? When? What setting? Not IM (the easiest), phone or in person? I cop out so easy in person.
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[03 Apr 2005|08:14pm] |
| Global Personality Test Results | Stability (46%) medium which suggests you are moderately relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.
Orderliness (63%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.
Extraversion (17%) low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.
| Take Free Global Personality Testpersonality tests by similarminds.com
|
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| To Josh |
[28 Mar 2005|03:59pm] |
I don't know where to start in all honesty. You've got me mixed up, turned around. When I talk to you, I always smile. You have a way, you've got me. I don't want to sound like I'm head over heals, I'm not. But when I come back to my room after a hard day, and I see a note from you, I always feel better. Just knowing that someone is thinking about me is a great feeling.
I think about you too. What we do online, on the phone, I'm not just being polite. If you've done anything wrong, then I have too. I'm sorry if I make you feel that way, I truely am. It's new to me and I'll admit it's a bit akward. But I would miss it if it stopped. That said, you can stop things anytime you want to. I'm ok with that. Women have never been able to separate emotions and sex, that's how it it. I feel closer to you for what we've done, but I want you to feel the same. If I'm just a distraction, or you don't feel comfortable continuing, we wont. I don't want you to be uncomfortable. The same way you don't want me to be uncomfortable.
I'm just so confused Josh. I don't know if it's because of my stuff, or yours. I don't know if we're communicating like we should. We both say I don't know, but I think we do. Relationships can be scarey, that's ok. New things are. I rather be scared and discover something great then to live my life being safe and bored.
Whatever you want, where ever you want to go, or where ever you want to go back to- I will.
Just don't leave.
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| Holy Crap, something good! |
[27 Mar 2005|01:52pm] |
So I've been doing this emotional roller coaster thing. I mean, there's "the boy", the more appropriate "the boy" (we, you know, over the phone friday night), my eatting habits, school work, summer planning, work, TWS, ect.
Anyhow, yesterday I checked my mail, expecting a package from home. All I had was some official university letter. Great, junk mail. So I opened it today. OMFG!! I'm getting an award from NRC! It doesn't say how much, but I expect it's around $500 (great, now I jinxed it). So after I read it I cried. I think it was happy crying, with sad crying built up and forcing it out.
God, I need a brain purge. I can't talk to Meg, cuz the eatting thing is up there on the list. But I can't talk to the boy about "the boy"....
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[25 Mar 2005|06:21pm] |
You're an Anne Rice Vampire! Subject of the
fantasies of goths everywhere, you're all style
and sensuality. If you take it too far, your
pretentiousness can really get on people's
tits. And if you're a man, everyone probably
thinks you're gay. Sorry.
What type of vampire are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are a Bad-ass Vampire. You know you are a cut
above the rest. You know how to fight and you
have skill. You are proud of being a vampire
and "modern" vamps tend to disgust
you. You kick ass.
Which Kind of Vampire are You? (Females)
brought to you by Quizilla
You are 'Gregg shorthand'. Originally designed to
enable people to write faster, it is also very
useful for writing things which one does not
want other people to read, inasmuch as almost
no one knows shorthand any more.
You know how important it is to do things
efficiently and on time. You also value your
privacy, and (unlike some people) you do not
pretend to be friends with just everyone; that
would be ridiculous. When you do make friends,
you take them seriously, and faithfully keep
what they confide in you to yourself.
Unfortunately, the work which you do (which is
very important, of course) sometimes keeps you
away from social activities, and you are often
lonely. Your problem is that Gregg shorthand
has been obsolete for a long time.
What obsolete skill are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
"it's a small world": The happiest cruise
that ever sailed! Surreal and silly, or sweat
and touching, you are a well intentioned 1960s
homage to the world's diversity that
unfortunatly inspires feelings of sheer terror
in those who can't help but feel something more
sinister lays beneath your shiney surface. But
most cannot deny your charm, even if they
cannot explain it, and leave feeling better
than when they entered. Most overlook the fact
that because of your unique style and design,
courtesy of Disney Legend Mary Blair, you are a
true work of art and you deserve to be
appreciated. You are both worldy and
simplistic, both cosmopolitan and decidedly
middle American. You are a splendid
candy-coated contradiction with a sugary, sunny
song that one never forgets. If the world
truely listened to your never-ending optimism,
it could be a small world after all.
What Disneyland attraction are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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| Spring break |
[12 Mar 2005|11:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 frustrated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
silence |
] |
Nope, I'm not in out of the country, in the Bahamas, or any knid of traveling. I'm home. Yup, just sitting around at home. Tomorrow I'm going out with Meg, I'm getting my permit this week and I hope to see Maggie. But otherwise I'm going to be a lazy homebody and do homework.
Sh*t-
Ok, I haven't talked to Justing since last Thursday. Damnit, I thought stuff was going to happen. Why does he do this to me? I read an awsome book called "He's Just Not That Into You." It was so good. But then why did Justin IM me after not seeing him for a week? Really! I wish I had a definite one way or the other. Grr, stupid boys.
Speaking of boys... There's this guy I talk to online. (met him through an internet group) I've "known" him since fall and he's the nicest guy, like, ever. Well, we were talking on Thursday and he starts telling me that he really likes me. I mean really, I, uh..."excite" him. Crap. He's from friggin Maine, I'm in MA, he's (what is it..) 5 years older. Yeah, I like him, maybe even like that. But it's not going to happen, I don't want it to happen, and it couldn't happen. Towards the end of the conve he's like "I'm cool with how things are" I doubt it. It took him 11 minutes to go from wanting things to go past just being friends to cool with how things have been? Unless that's the change from getting off, I don't know what's going on. I got so weirded out, I felt bad. I really like him, his sence of humor and the way he treats me. But I can't handle pressure like that. Turns out those personality quizzes are right, I am afraid of commitment (or is it closeness?).
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| Brain Purge |
[26 Feb 2005|07:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
So word's out that I'm anorexic, I saw the boy and things were ackward and I haven't talked to him since, I want to ball my eyes out, I'm frickin busy, I'm waiting for Judith& Julie to arrange my room, and I think people are going to know I'm depressed by Spring Break.
Feeeew!! Ok, Harsha started calling me anorexic (jokingly), but the 3rd time I just couldn't take it when he said "you're so anorexic it's not even funny." I snapped, told him, he didn't believe me, and I walked out of dinner. He apologized later, but he, Judith and Chris know. Judith I'm ok with, but two guys!? I dunno how I feel about that.
I saw the boy at Gilmore. Em left us alone at the first commercial break and it was so weird. He asked what I was reading, I told him (explained a little), and we talked (the 3 of us) a bit later. I couldn't keep eye contact with him, only looked at him trying to be polite. Wouldn't be surprised if I had been bright red the whole time. Thank god we only kissed a little or I'd be raging mad.
I'm so busy with school work and out side stuff. I love the outside stuff. I'm hunting porcupine with Hilary (who now wants to teach me to drive) and looking for moose sign @ Quabin for TWS. Both sorta because of the Special Topics class. I love that class. I'm thinking of doing the Quiz Bowl, it should be fun, but I don't want to commit a lot of time now. I also want to be Treasurer of TWS next year, but I'm supposed to "shadow" Ashley this semester. I don't think I have time, but it would be a great thing to do.
I've been so down lately too. With stressing about Judith knowing (about my anarexia), over the boy (that's calming down as I'm cutting myself off), the urge to cut my wrists is coming back and I feel so overwelmed. Grr, arg.
~*~
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| Figuring out and frustions |
[18 Feb 2005|08:09pm] |
Background info:
Dr J E May (10:47:20 PM): so, here's the deal. I'd like to hang out with you some more ... but with my current schedule and the 47 miles inbetween, anythign happening regularly isn't very likely ... :-/ stuff sucks sometimes
_______________
daisybh19 (4:49:23 PM): i'll never understand computers
Dr J E May (4:50:17 PM): never say never
daisybh19 (4:50:30 PM): you said it twice!
daisybh19 (4:50:40 PM): :-P
Dr J E May (4:50:52 PM): oh, I'm allowed to say it
daisybh19 (4:51:07 PM): you can, but i can't?
daisybh19 (4:51:14 PM): double standard!!
Dr J E May (4:51:15 PM): yep
Dr J E May (4:51:22 PM): rules for teachers are different for those of students
Dr J E May (4:51:26 PM): I am a teacher
Dr J E May (4:51:30 PM): you are a student
daisybh19 (4:51:43 PM): not your student
Dr J E May (4:51:46 PM): also called a grasshopper
Dr J E May (4:51:49 PM): details
daisybh19 (4:52:02 PM): psh, details!
Dr J E May (4:52:03 PM): details are never important
daisybh19 (4:52:27 PM): you can't give me detention though
Dr J E May (4:52:34 PM): I don't give detention
Dr J E May (4:52:51 PM): cause I'm not gonna punnish myself to have to spend more time with bad students
daisybh19 (4:53:15 PM): i'm going to call you mr. may
Dr J E May (4:55:07 PM): k
Dr J E May (4:55:09 PM): :-)
_______________________
Dr J E May (8:10:55 PM): well, I'm about to make some Mac n aCheese before bed
daisybh19 (8:11:16 PM): mmmmm, good stuff
Dr J E May (8:12:10 PM): you know it
daisybh19 (8:12:21 PM): i do know
daisybh19 (8:12:36 PM): even better with homemade meatballs though
Dr J E May (8:12:42 PM): :-P bleck
daisybh19 (8:13:08 PM): what?
Dr J E May (8:13:14 PM): meatballs
daisybh19 (8:13:24 PM): yeah??
daisybh19 (8:13:34 PM): wait, are you a veggie??
Dr J E May (8:13:35 PM): I repeat: bleck
daisybh19 (8:14:00 PM): i didn't know that
Dr J E May (8:14:06 PM): http://www.machall.com/
Dr J E May (8:14:11 PM): that's how I do it too
daisybh19 (8:15:11 PM): you kidnap babies?
Dr J E May (8:16:05 PM): when the need arises
daisybh19 (8:16:28 PM): how often do you need kidnapped babies?
Dr J E May (8:17:07 PM): at least I don't eat babies
daisybh19 (8:17:26 PM): i'm with you on that one
Dr J E May (8:17:43 PM): I don't know ..... meatie
____________________
He said he wasn't offended by the "veggie" comment, but I dunno. He seemed a little miffed by the end of the convo. Then again we talked about legal ages (movies, but mostly drinking). I thought it was an interesting conversation, he called it an arguement. I didn't think it was, but there's that whole missing inflection on line. I want to talk to him on the phone, but caling could be a little desperate (coming from the girl who always says "hi" first).
I'm just so lost. I think he likes me (as in friends) but sometimes I think he finds me annoying. I still like him (as in want to date). I don't know what to do about that. Should I give up on it? Should I try staying friends? Should I back off?
Blarg
~*~
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| My Happy Tuesday Present |
[16 Feb 2005|12:47am] |
On another topic, Emily and I discussed being frustraited with guys. She also mentioned two of her friends being each others rebound. It makes me wonder what she knows about Justin and I. I figure she knows about the date, but I'm not even sure. I want to talk to her about him, but how bad is that? I don't want to put her in the middle, but I really want to ask if he's said anything about me. Blarg. I almost cried leaving. That's the first time I've done that for quite a while. I wonder if Justin will be there next week, seeing as he'll be on Feb vaca. I hope so. God, I really want to see him (and make out with him, but that's not what I'm talking about). I want to figure out his view of me. Does he hate me? Am I annoying? Just not worth it? Is the distance thing the real problem? Does he want to see/talk to me? Does he want anything from me?
All questions, no answers.
~*~
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| Apocalyptica |
[14 Feb 2005|09:31pm] |
*drool* I'm buying Cult. You should too. Go to Amazon.com
|
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| Boys |
[05 Feb 2005|06:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Suitemate Nicole's playlist |
] |
Ok, so here goes.
I talked to The Boy on Tuesday, which was a bad idea, as I was in a pissy PMSing mood. So he told me he wouldn't be at Gilmore and I felt personnally insulted. I asked him if he would be interested in going out again and he said "yeah". I took that in a he-didn't-really-mean-it sort of way. TTYL. Wednesday we talked again and he didn't seem at all into going out. TTYL. Friday I talked to him, appologized for being b*itchy. He said ~Here's the deal, I'm 47 miles away, getting together regularly isn't a real option.~ That's what I wanted to know, I said "I would be nice to talk though" Boy says "yes, def." Things seem to be cool after that. I really do want to stay at least friends with him, really,really want to. At the same time I want to make out like there's no tomorrow.... That may lead to complications. That and his schedule. Blarg! Mer, and maybe even Merg! The real world sucks.
I really want to see him. I want to kiss him. I want him to be around, but I know he can't be. I don't even want someone else though, it's not a male presence I want.
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horny
