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Tuesday, July 29th, 2003
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11:29 am - mmm
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Fuck being female. I'd like to rip my uterus out right now. Naproxen is wonderful, though. Makes me a little nauseated but I took one about five minutes ago and the pain that usually keeps me in bed in the fetal position for 6 hours is all gone. It fucks with my head a little bit like I'm high or something. I feel woozy and I had to fix like 200 typos. Not as bad as Vicodin did though. With Vicodin I would just sit and watch TV like a vegetable and lost my concept of time until I fell asleep. Prescription drugs, oh the joy.
I just downloaded a 45-minute version of Truckin'. It's crazy :-D
current mood: drugged
current music: Grateful Dead - Truckin live
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10:41 am - she's a summer love for spring fall and winter, she can make happy any man alive
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I miss Rachael. Get back from Vermont NOW, dammit. I've only hung out with her once this whole summer. Gah. Damn everyone with their jobs and boyfriends and lives. Heh, I can't complain, though. I don't really want those things. I need a job badly though. I'm putting it off until after my birthday. Perhaps I will apply at Stop and Shop or something. I was going to work at Burger King but I ultimately decided not to because the lady who interviewed me was fucking scary. Plus, I've done the counter help/ fast food thing, kind of. It bites. People were so rude... I used to amuse myself by giving people decaf when they asked for regular and regular when they asked for decaf. And if people on a diet gave me a hard time about the ice cream's ingredients, I would just tell them all of the ice cream was sugar or fat free or frozen yogurt when it wasn't. I don't know why that job made me so bitter and evil towards the public. Maybe it was because I got treated like shit and worked to the bone for minimum wage. And I went home reeking of sweat, ice cream, and the boardwalk everyday. I grew a distaste for dairy quickly. I suppose it doesn't matter because I don't eat it anymore anyway.
I've lost a couple of pounds. I can tell because I look skinnier and my clothes got looser. I think women look better with a little bit of meat on them but I feel better, it's not a vanity thing. I suppose the eating strictly healthy and vegan and the daily running is paying off. I'm not specifically doing it all to lose weight, just to feel healthy and have more energy. My skin is clearing up, too. I also feel happier and calmer emotionally, I suppose it's all related. Anyway, I'm not starving or dipping scarily underweight or anything, so no worries.
Penis Chris finally came through and called. I was semi-conscious and picked up the phone, about to press talk, but luckily I looked at the caller ID and realized who it was just in time to put the phone back on the receiver and let the machine get it... He didn't leave a message. Ha. I can be quite the antisocial bitch when it comes to getting stalked by weird boys. Well, besides a penis he kind of looks like a fish too. He resembles a skinny little guppy. And frankly anyone who walks up and down my street, calling my friends on his cell phone to find out where my house is cannot be right in the head. He's a few fries short of a happy meal...
current mood:  bored
current music: Grateful Dead - Sugar Magnolia Live
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| Monday, July 28th, 2003
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7:30 pm - my oh-so-exciting life
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Penis Chris never called. I can't say that I'm disappointed, although I have a new theory that stalking is just one of the highest forms of flattery, right up there with imitation.
I had a reeeally nice dream last night. It involved a moving mural featuring a beautiful seascape and a sunset, complete with realistic stars and moonlight. As the day faded into night the painting became more and more alive. It was pretty and good. The boy who painted the mural was talking to me too, he had something important to tell me but in my dream I just couldn't understand it. I didn't want to wake up this morning. I always have the most beautiful dreams but they feel so incomplete.
I REALLY need to learn how to cook. I tried to make guacamole this morning and completely and utterly screwed everything up. I got the Tbs. and Tsps. parts all screwed up. I'm beginning to believe that I must have smoked myself retarded a while ago, but have just gotten too stupid to realize it until I started screwing up teaspoons and tablespoons. That's pretty bad. Oh well. Hopefully I'm not deteriorating further. Ha ha. At this rate, I'd be wearing a helmet and elbow pads within a year.
( Bored, Survey stolen from Lara )
current music: David Bowie - Moonage Daydream
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| Saturday, July 26th, 2003
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10:28 pm - wait... they don't love you like I love you
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Sigh... I absolutely adore this fucking song. I just wish the beautiful lyrics related to something real and tangible for me, rather than just the silly, fatuous dreams I hold on to in my head, no matter how hard I try to make them go away. I don't think I'll make it much longer denying them. No, I know I will but it's just an extreme moment of weakness. And something soon is going to give, things are going to change, I'm going to make shit go down because I am the almighty Lynch. BEHOLD MY POWER, as I bask in the glory. Ha.
Well today I went shopping with my mom for party supplies... She's going nuts with a luau theme even though I didn't really want a birthday party much less a luau theme. Oh well, it's going to happen so might as well go all the way. Yes, I have some goodness planned, just wait and you shall see. ;-)
And I was walking the doggie while the rest of the family ate dinner, I walk down the street and hear my name... PENIS CHRIS is driving a white car with some chick Grace in the passenger seat and they pull over and make me talk to them for like, an hour. How the fuck a mongoloid like Penis Chris has a license is completely beyond me. But anyway, yeah, he said he was going to kill me because he hadn't seen me all summer. Perhaps he doesn't realize that was my plan. And he wants to hang out with me tomorrow. And he's going to call me. And I plan on finding something, ANYTHING else to do, or lying. Or just not answering the phone so I don't have to be disturbed his girly, prepubescent voice at all, that's even better. I'm tired of being stalked. If he comes to my house I will shoot him in the face. That kid is not right. Finally he drove off, smoking a Marlboro Red and trying to look cool. What a creepy dirtbag... I need a bodyguard or something, I swear. It's not safe to even walk my dog around the corner anymore, LOL.
Although I heard that Ashley almost got eaten by an albino baboon today... I guess her story is worse, haha.
THIS IS YOU... DO NOT EVEN TRY TO COMPETE WITH ME. I AM INFINITELY SUPERIOR TO YOU AND FRANKLY I WILL WIN.
I know, I shouldn't still be angry. But the text is still in existence and the story remains the same along with the scars. And frankly I feel manipulated into giving something up that I honestly wanted and deserved... I'll explain this more as the story unfolds but I am now truly beginning to look at the way things could have happened from a different point of view and I could have totally been tricked into forfeiting the war because I won a few battles and the deviant competition was intimidated. This makes no sense. Never mind. Don't worry about it, it'll just happen and order will be restored because I am the man with the plan today.
current mood:  lonely
current music: Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Maps
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| Friday, July 25th, 2003
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9:34 pm - gigantic... a big big love
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Mmm. Walking my Ditto to the field behind the elementary school as the sun is going down in the big open sky and letting her run around is fun. Running with her is fun. For a labrador she is a pretty pathetic retriever and she prefers our game of chasing one another. So do I. We are both getting in shape. I could not imagine life without a dog.
Sunsets, trees, grassy fields, wildflowers, cool summer nights and fireflies coupled with sweet solitude make me happy. Sometimes the desire for another human being, preferably male to share it all with is overbearing and it makes me quite weak. I'm not breaking though, he-who-is-too-fucking-stupid-and-selfish to be named can prey on all of the girlies with no self-esteem, I refuse to believe in his recent, seemingly contrived "nobody loves me so cry me a river" ploy for sympathy. Go tell someone who is stupid and/or deluded and lobotomized enough to give a shit. I'm not that pathetic any more. I'll offer advice and lend an ear but I'm nobody's goddamn savior... I'm full of love and kindness to give but not beyond the friendship level, not for this one anyway. Maybe in the future things will change, I doubt he will but I know that my situation is constantly improving. So he can go fuck himself as I sure as hell wouldn't, he most likely has herpes or gonorrhea or something... I've heard stories. Actually kind of vomit-inducing and insulting where he's been. From what I've seen, it's be fair to say that I am among the best he's ever had. Scratch that, best he could have had. I hope he knows what he's missing and I hope that it fucks for him when he settles for a lesser woman out of sheer desperation and all around stupidity... Goddamn, as I'm reading what I have just typed I realize that I come off as a catty, arrogant fuck. But the feeling of someone wanting it and not being able to have it is a sick thrill but intoxicating none the less, as I have learned with nearly every stupid boy who has attempted to get with me. I'm really no better than anyone else, I'm just a lot different than most people I know, and I don't want to throw myself away to some jerk, I've hit rock bottom once before and I'm not going back.
My mom made me go see Terminator 3 with my brother and his friend, also known as the most annoying twelve year old with the most desperate need for Ritalin in the history of time. Although I kind of want to beat him up and steal his Weird Al t-shirt. The movie was just another forgettable piece of Hollywood plastic with a lot of explosions, you pretty much forgot about it as soon as it was done. Especially if you, like myself, are unfamiliar or just not a fan of the Terminator. It's so cheesy and played out, I honestly believe it's high time that they retired the whole "I'll be back" spiel. It's old... What can I say, I'm not movie critic but mainstream cinema sucks more often than not.
Afterwards I made everyone go to the nearby Barnes & Nobles and I bought a book on sale for only 6 bucks full of zen reflections about enlightenment and Nirvana. I have a feel for it, I mean I don't entirely understand every concept but it isn't the point to understand... The point is to let go and just exist, and just be, Nirvana is what you are... I try but it hasn't worked yet. I can't clear my head of thoughts. The closest I can get to it is thinking about not thinking. Which is exactly that, still thinking. It seems quite a catch-twenty-two but it can be done... Once I find a way to stop caring and trying and just be instead. I'd ask someone for advice but I know there's no one method to be told... For the time being, the pleasant thought alone of simply being in harmony with the motion and vibration of the universe comforts me if nothing else, all of my Buddhism studies are definitely not in vain. I can't explain but I just like the idea. :-)
At the bookstore I picked up the latest issue of The Bohemian which was the single most INCREDIBLE independent newspaper in all of Ocean County. Very arts-oriented, witty and best of all free, they raised capital for publishing and distrubution through selling ad space and people paying for subscriptions. My ma knows the editor-in-chief, too, and her paintings even got in there. My mom is an excellent artist. Anyway, of course the only businesses that bought ads were the awesome local stores and restaurants and stuff with a mom-and-pop kind of feel to them... And there aren't too many of those in this area. Needless to say, they don't have enough money to publish anymore and I now own a copy of the final issue. It's more than a shame. It's a bloody fucking TRAVESTY. The uncultured wasteland that is Ocean County, New Jersey has just lost another vital piece of something special and amazing. Everything here is a chain store or a mini mall. Property rates and taxes are fucking ridiculous, and the cretins who cram into this hellhole (I am one of them) stand back and watch as nearly every chuck of virgin, unused soil is consumed to build some more estate homes or another Home Depot... And don't even get me started on the TRAFFIC... Alright, enough ranting about where I live because I'll seriously be here all night... I'm going to miss The Bohemian dearly, though, and will be forced to savor every old issue I have stashed away in my house until I have memorized them all by heart.
I'm talking to the German... I've forgiven her, I sound like a hard ass when I rant but then I turn out too loyal and forgiving and I alway let things go... But if her mother and/or the cops show up at my house at one o' clock in the fucking morning and I know where she is, I'd bust her ass in a heartbeat as would everyone else. Hopefully she is aware of this and that will keep her in line.
( Well, my brother's annoying friend is sleeping over and I'm trying to pretend that I can't hear them ripping ass in the other room so here's some wonderful surveys )
current mood:  mellow
current music: The Pixies - Gigantic
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| Thursday, July 24th, 2003
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8:12 pm - take me away to nowhere plains
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Last night Tim called me around 8 and asked if I wanted to go to the boardwalk with his sister and her friend and they picked me up practically five minutes later... How's that for spontaneity, heh. Good thing I was fully clothed and presentable and everything... First we went straight to the old school arcade and played Bubble Bobble... Ha ha, that game was AMAZING... I have to download a computer version. Then we strolled up and down the boardwalk and found a knock-off of DDR... I tried once and sucked big time since I haven't played in like, over a year... Tim went a bunch of times and started getting a feel for it... Oh well, what can I say, I am an uncoordinated dork with two left feet. :-P
The German is being an asshole... Screwing everyone over and such. She's changed a lot in the past year, and not for the better. I don't understand how someone who used to be so sweet and bubbly can become a lying, anything-for-a-good-time kind of girl in just a few months. But basically, everyone's had it with her bullshit. Telling her mother she's at Ashley's house when nobody knows where the fuck she's really disappeared to this time, so the cops are called and everyone in that group of friends gets interrogated. Especially after we told her NOT to go out last night and get in trouble because we were making a cake and planning a picnic just for her and her birthday... The worst part of it all is the bullshit she puts Monica through... All so she can go out and have a grand old time sneaking around, being a slut, letting her boyfriend (who used to be a great guy but has turned to the dark side) treat her like a fucking puppy dog, and taking any kind of drug she can get her hands on. Not to mention the fact that she didn't come to school for like, 6 months and refused to give anybody a straight answer about what the hell was wrong with her except the fact that she was "sick". Right. Too sick to come to school or maintain any kind of responsible lifestyle but well enough to be sneaking out of her house and getting high with guys she doesn't even know? I don't know who she thinks she's impressing. Knowing your limits and mild, responsible experimentation for certain purposes when it is appropriate would be one thing. Trying to escape problems you're just too much of a pussy to face head on, having no self control, lying to people you consider your friends and expecting everything to be okay is quite another. It's not that I hate her, I just hate to see her fucking up her life so badly... I mean, she's pretty much hit rock bottom and she doesn't care. Also what I hate is her dragging everyone else into her fuckups and her mistakes. The key is picking yourself off the ground and LEARNING SOMETHING. She just doesn't get it... I feel like I've given all of the support and caring I can since all of this drama began and the only thing to do at this point would be to break myself away from all of that. I'm sorry, maybe I'll forgive her one day if she cleans up her act and if she proves that she deserves to be forgiven... Until then I'm through caring. I can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.
Well, Mon was going through all the trouble of making a cake anyway, and I already bought food, so we were going to have our little picnic regardless of the fact that German didn't show. It turned out to be a fun and interesting day. It was Mon, Brandon, Brian and Ashley Durkin, Ashley in a Bag, Sarah, Heather, Dave, and Kevin. And of course Matt wouldn't show, and since James had no working car Matt's absence cut our crazy picnic attendance even shorter. Grr. We brought blankets but no one sat on them because the sun was just too damn hot. And we forgot to bring plates or forks but we were hungry so everyone just dug into the cake with pretzels or our hands. Haha. And then we somehow used up all of the cups so we just passed the two liter soda bottles around... We sat there waiting because some guy told us there was an accident nearby and they were going to land a helicopter in the field but the helicopter was a deadbeat too. Boo. Monica and Dave mysteriously disappeared down a path for like 45 minutes. Yeah, going to let the dogs out my ass... Hehe. We were bobbing up and down on the see-saw kind bouncy thing and saying stupid funny stuff like, "Commence the jigglin'" haha. Me and Sarah sat on the swings and had a long deep conversation about our spiritual paths or something, LOL. Then I started feeling really sick and puked next to a bench haha... I am honestly beginning to believe that my system can't handle massive amounts of junk food, it just never stays down. Maybe I'm just dying. I felt much better afterwards but then Monica the sympathy puker did it too. Haha, she dropped a crumpled up paper towel into the puddle and said "it looks like a boat." Monica is crazy. It was the most disfunctional picnic I have ever participated in, that's for sure.
After we were done pigging out and socializing I walked home and managed to get there at exactly 5:30, which was lucky because any later and my mother would have been flying off the handle and such. She made me scrape the creme out of Oreo cookies and crush the outsides for some project with her day camp children... Joy. Then I took the doggie for a walk as usual because she's quite fat and needs the excercise... Then I showered and whatnot. It's been a long day and I'm beat, I need to get lots of sleep tonight... Goodnight.
current mood:  happy
current music: Pixies - Here Comes Your Man
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| Wednesday, July 23rd, 2003
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2:47 pm - more spookyness
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Leo Horoscope for the week of July 24th, 2003
Begone blame! Atonement and absolution must reign! Yes, Leo, this is the best time in many moons to declare amnesty. Forgive everyone who has ever hurt you. Purge yourself of simmering resentments and remorse. Swear off revenge forever, including both vindictive acts and nasty thoughts. It's especially important that you let go of the guilt you've felt about your own failures. Remember when you were "it" while playing hide-and-seek as a child? Remember yelling out "ollie ollie in free" or "ollie ollie oxen free"? Let that be your mantra this week. It means "all who are out can come in free."
http://freewillastrology.com
Weird... That's just what I've been thinking about for a someone I was talking to earlier who has screwed up in the past... Not necessarily to resurrect my feelings for him, but at least to bury the hatchet and give friendship and such a chance to bloom.
current mood:  refreshed
current music: Cat Power - Cross Bones Style
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11:44 am - she's a dreamer... she was too real to ever be fake
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Haha, I just realized that about 8 or so of the people who put me on their friends lists do not understand the concept of friends lists whatsoever... Basically these are all the people who I have not added back, because you look at their user info and they have a list of real people's names, like amanda, bailey, bob, melissa, rob or some shit like that... Haha, shmucks made a list of their offline friends... I suppose that's what I get for using my given name as a user name. Oh well, makes me feel popular and wanted... Ha ha ha.
Last night was rather awesome. Tim and I went over to Rachael's house and Rob was there. Monica met us there with Dave and Selina, then Sarah and Jarid came over. We just chilled in her basement with her younger brother Connor watching him play Big Game Hunter or some disturbing video game like that where you kill cheetahs and other various animals. Monica and I tried playing this fucked up board game from the eighties called "Follow Your Nose" in which you have to sniff scented white plastic canisters and name the smells. Haha, that game is insane.
We all waited around for the "big storm" to pass and everyone's telling me we're supposed to get thunder lightning and an inch of hail and of course nothing happens... Just a little rain and lightning and then it kind of cleared up. So we all went to Seaside and met up by the big castle arcade. Seaside is fun every once in a while but it's kind of sleazy... I mean, we go there a lot because there's nothing else to do whatsoever but I don't understand why people come down here and rent houses by the boardwalk for the whole summer... It's a tacky, expensive, drug-ridden carnival. And the beach is quite dirty, with nasty cigarette butts scattered all over the sand. Okay, maybe it's not that bad, but I would not want to be there too long after midnight.
So first everyone went on the rides... I had to pass because I'm pretty broke and a lot of the rides are quite stupid anyway. Me and Monica walked around and ran into PJ and his girlfriend, joy of all joys, so Dave and Selina went and hung out with them. Poor Monica was caught in the middle and got chased by a short little old man clown to boot... Haha. I don't know why so much drama but I came to hang out with Rachael and company so I stuck by them and I guess we inadvertandly broke off into two seperate groups... No biggie but Mon was kind of torn since she wanted to see us and Dave at the same time, I guess. Really didn't matter to me, I just hope all is well and no one hates each other over something so insignifigant and petty... Mon seemed pretty upset about things. :-(
So then I totally blew my healthy diet... I had been so good but come on, who can turn down vanilla orange twist ice cream from Kohr's... Goddammit that stuff is godly. We went in a few arcades. Rachael won us all groovy plastic rings which I am wearing as I speak. Jarid and Rob were going to beat up some random twelve year old who was smirking at them, haha. I attempted to win a Care Bear from those claw machines but they're all rigged I swear... It's the most frustrating thing seeing little kids get Funshine bear after one try and I can't get shit. Tim and I MUST play DDR next time, hehe... We tried but there were too many people around and some dorks hogged the machine.
All in all, I love my friends. I truly do. Just seeing them for a little while last night made me extremely happy.
Monica and I just had a brief argument... It's over, I guess she was just upset and venting... Also I'm the submissive ever-forgiving one so, it's all alright.
current mood:  flirty
current music: Rooney - That Girl Has Love
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| Monday, July 21st, 2003
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10:15 am - a broken old man in a world unkind
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So it's been an uneventful couple of weeks. It's okay, though, very therapeautic for me. I think I needed a rest and to convalesce a bit. I'm back though, for real this time. I don't know what happened but I'd drifted away from the things that truly make me feel happy and whole, regardless of friends and outside influences. I have a new agenda, though, I'm sticking to it for real this time.
Things to Focus on/Pursue:
x Must start doing yoga again
x Going back to eating vegetarian/organic
x Drinking sufficient amouts of water
x Improving guitar skills
x Writing, keeping a better journal
x Reading all of those books I've never gotten around to
x Expanding horizons
x Going outside more, going for more walks, more exploring
x Getting involved in something bigger than myself, must start doing volunteer work again
x Studying, learning, experiencing
x Meditate
x Live fully, be happy
x Be kinder, more open, less shy, more honest, above all else down to earth and unpretentious
x Take pleasure in simple things again
Mmm... I know, I sound like a self help book. But hey, I'm feeling better and more hopeful than I have in a long long time. And at least now I have a little direction and a stronger sense of self. I'm still figuring things out, of course. But I'm losing inhibitions and I feel free...
current mood:  peaceful
current music: Phish - Mound
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| Sunday, July 20th, 2003
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3:42 pm - spooky
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Just minutes after I finished ranting about a few inner demons, I come across this name analysis from http://www.kabalarians.com that pretty much encompasses everything I've been thinking about the past few hours... It's very disturbing but I must admit this thing is dead-on.
Your name of Bailey makes you very idealistic and generous, with the strong desire to uplift humanity leading you into situations where you can express your desire to serve others. You want to assume responsibilities and to look after people; however, you can become too involved in other people's problems and tend to worry. Your name gives you a natural desire to express along artistic and musical lines. You desire a settled home and family life, and are expressive and attentive to your loved ones. You must be careful not to become possessive and jealous of those close to you, however, as you could attract losses and unfortunate experiences. If you attach an ideal of service to your life, you could find great happiness and could express a very beautiful, happy, responsible, artistic, and generous nature. The weakness of this name is in worry, which in turn affects the nervous system, creating a tendency to be highly strung or over-sensitive to the thoughts of others.
current mood: inspired
current music: Cat Power - Paths of Victory
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3:19 pm - take a swallow as I spit, baby
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I miss everyone. I don't know exactly how long it's been since we've all hung out and had an authentically good time. Too long. Honestly. It is just no good missing people. I feel lost without them all... Maybe I'm too dependent sometimes, but I see so many pieces of myself and so many qualities I adore and admire and enjoy in my close circle of friends. It inspires me, that's all.
Yay! Rachael just called me. Damn responsible people with their jobs and responsibilities... Unlike me, as I sit around and push everything as far into the future as I can manage.
But my real problem is I think too much and I can't make up my mind, and I want everything... I'm desirous of every good thing, every joy, every pleasure, every experience, I want to try everything I see, I want to make everyone happy including myself... I want to touch the stars and I want butterflies in my heart instead of in my stomach but at the end of the day I wind up just wearing myself out... I don't even know where to begin. And somewhere deep inside of me that ever present fear of rejection and failure burns not so strongly, but it still exists. I don't think I've reached that point just yet where I except myself, every quirk, every fault, every mistake, and I can face the world head on, truly confident rather than boastful and arrogant. I'm so tired of living with these ridiculous fears and regrets. I've already wasted like, two years of doing nothing but spinning my wheels and finding nothing but the same insecurities and allowing them to hinder me. It's nothing short of pathetic and I swear, once I find a focus in this pathless wood, I refuse to hold back.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Bang
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| Saturday, July 19th, 2003
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10:43 am - damn... Elvis Costello has a way with words
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Don't say you love me when it's just a rumor
Don't say a word if there is any doubt
Sometimes I think that love is just a tumor
You've got to cut it out
You say you're sorry for the things that you've done
You say you're sorry but you know you don't mean it
I wouldn't worry, I had so much fun
Sometimes I almost feel just like a human being
It's you, not just another mouth in the lipstick vogue
It's you, not just another mouth in the lipstick vogue
Oh yeah
Get to the slot machine, almost dead on arrival
Just hit me one more time with that live wire
Maybe they told you you were only a girl in a million
You say I've got no feelings, this is a good way to kill them
Select the control and then insert the token
You wanna throw me away but I'm not broken
You've got a lot to say--well, I'm not joking
There are some words they don't allow to be spoken
Sometimes I almost feel just like a human being
It's you, not just another mouth in the lipstick vogue
Wow... Another song that reminds me of shit I've been put through more than once... Especially the "Sometimes I almost feel just like a human being" part. It's funny how much being treated like a completely expendable object hurt more than I'd ever have thought it would've... And the anger I felt after everything was said and done was intense. I suppose it happens to nearly everyone somewhere along the line. Oh well, it was ridiculous, it's all over now, and I'm just regathering my thoughts to finally bring me some closure. So I can really move on this time, like I kept saying I was going to...
It's occured to me that I internalize and overdramatize every less than perfect predicament. I make it all seem so much more powerful and profound than it was ever supposed to be... At least I'm now aware of it so I can tell myself to shut up and quit letting things eat away at me.
And it's also occured to me that if I truly try to get what I think I want, and I don't, I deserve something much better. It's that simple. No more wasting time or losing sleep over it... Life is too short.
I just need to find something better to want.
Alright, enough introverse psychobabble for right now...
current mood:  thoughtful
current music: Elvis Costello - Lipstick Vogue
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| Thursday, July 17th, 2003
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1:48 pm - one of my favorite songs
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So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.
I went to Island Beach this morning and I could not get that song out of my head. The lyrics are so beautiful, and they remind me of so many people I know, for lots of different reasons... It's definitely on my summer soundtrack, which is my ecletic mix CD I'm going to burn out of boredom. It's all stuff I've been listening to recently and songs that remind me of certain events, people, and places. I'm not done yet but I'll post the tracklisting when I am.
current mood:  irritated
current music: Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
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| Wednesday, July 16th, 2003
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4:45 pm - I like you best when you're on your knees
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Ha ha ha ha ha, I just posted that picture in Worm's journal. She deserves it for making me look at pictures of someone getting a jelly jar and potatoes removed from their ass and somebody eating a roasted baby.
We know, there's something seriously wrong with us.
So, Worm, never entrust me with your password again! Muah ha ha.
I'm cold, bored, and hungry. I should probably get off the damn computer now.
current mood: cold, bored, hungry
current music: Garbage - Lick the Pavement
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1:22 pm - Can the people hear what the little fish are saying?
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Well, I'm not grounded as of like, two minutes ago. Buuut... I have more rules and such. Which is fine. I won't break them, as long as I have my freedom. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise because I'll appreciate it more.
Anyway, I need to get out of the house. And hang out with boys. I'm experiencing boy withdrawal. It's been a long long time. I think the last boy I talked to on the phone was Tim. Of course, Tim doesn't count because he's one of the girls (No offense, Timmy, I love you! You know what I mean though.)
I'm bored. I stole this from Lara.
-C U R R E N T-
CLOTHES: Pajamas; black shorts, blue stripey shirt
MOOD: Pretty damn good.
MUSIC: Led Zeppelin.
TASTE: Nothing.
MAKE-UP: Banana lip balm.
HAIR: Pulled back in a tiny ponytail.
ANNOYANCE: My right foot's asleep because I was sitting upon it.
SMELL: My house.
FAVORITE ARTIST: MC Escher.
DESKTOP PICTURE: Green.
FAVORITE GROUP: Led Zeppelin. I'm just a tiny bit obsessed.
BOOK YOU'RE READING: The Scarlet Letter for English next year.
CD IN PLAYER: Led Zeppelin - Physical Graffiti Disc Two
DVD IN PLAYER: My Big Fat Greek Wedding, LOL
COLOR OF TOENAILS: Pinkish red.
REFRESHMENT: Dr. Pepper Red Fusion
WORRY: Staying out of trouble, which I know I can do but still, I don't want to go through destroying the trust thing again, it sucks.
-L A S T . P E R S O N...-
YOU TOUCHED: My mom.
YOU TALKED TO: My mom.
HUGGED: My grandmother.
YOU INSTANT MESSAGED: Tim.
YOU YELLED AT: Devin (my brother).
YOU KISSED: I don't know...
- F A V O R I T E -
FOOD: Cookie dough.
DRINK: Coke.
COLOR: Red.
ALBUM: Elvis Costello's My Aim is True.
SHOES: Barefoot.
CANDY: M&Ms.
ANIMAL: Dogs.
TV SHOW: I don't know, usually whatever's on Comedy Central.
MOVIE: Ghost World.
DANCE: The chicken dance is THE BEST EVER.
SONG: I don't know, I have too many.
VEGETABLE: Salad...
FRUIT: Strawberries.
CARTOON: Aqua Teen Hungerforce, South Park, basically everything on Adult Swim...
- A R E . Y O U -
UNDERSTANDING: I try.
OPEN-MINDED: Yup.
ARROGANT: Sometimes.
INSECURE: I've improved.
INTERESTING: Hardly.
RANDOM: Extremely.
HUNGRY: Kind of.
SMART: I'd like to be more so.
MOODY: Once in a while.
CHILDISH: Yes.
HARD WORKING: No.
ORGANIZED: Not at all.
HEALTHY: Nope.
SHY: Yes.
DIFFICULT: Nah, I'm easy-going.
ATTRACTIVE: I'm not the ugliest person in the world.
BORED EASILY: Yeah.
MESSY: Yeah.
THIRSTY: A little bit.
RESPONSIBLE: I'm trying.
OBSESSED: Sometimes.
ANGRY: I've come to realize that I only get angry when I'm hurt.
SAD: Sometimes.
HAPPY: Right now I am.
HYPER: Yes.
TRUSTING: Too easily.
TALKATIVE: At times.
LEGAL: Unfortunately I am not.
-W H O . D O . Y O U . W A N T . T O...-
KILL: No one, I would just like for many people to permanently go away.
SLAP: My brother.
GET REALLY WASTED WITH: German. But I'm NOT GOING TO.
GET HIGH WITH: Ziggy and Monica and Worm. But once again, I'm NOT GOING TO.
LOOK LIKE: Audrey Tatou from Amelie.
TALK TO OFFLINE: Everyone.
TALK TO ONLINE: Everyone.
MY NAME IS: Bailey Lynne Clark
IN THE MORNING I AM: Kind of grouchy.
ALL I NEED IS: To quote The Distillers, freedom and my youth
LOVE IS: Elusive
I'M AFRAID OF: Failure
I DREAM ABOUT: Friends, and last night I dreamt about stars and waterfalls. It was nice.
-W H I C H . I S . B E T T E R-
COKE OR PEPSI: Coke.
FLOWERS OR CANDY: Flowers.
TALL OR SHORT: Tall.
-W I T H .T H E. O P P O S I T E. S E X-
WHAT DO YOU NOTICE FIRST: Appearance...
LAST PERSON YOU SLOW DANCED WITH: LOL, I don't know
WORST QUESTION TO ASK: I try not to get too personal/nosy.
WHO MAKES YOU LAUGH THE MOST: Tim
WHO MAKES YOU SMILE: Lots of guys.
GIVES YOU A FUNNY FEELING WHEN YOU SEE THEM: I don't know.
WHO DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON: I don't know.
HAS A CRUSH ON YOU: I don't know, hopefully not Penis Chris.
IS EASIEST TO TALK TO: Everyone... I'm a big talker once I get kind of close to a guy.
-D O. Y O U .E V E R-
SIT ON THE INTERNET ALL NIGHT WAITING FOR THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE TO I.M. YOU? Noo...
SAVE MSN CONVERSATIONS? I save some entertaining AIM ones.
WISH YOU WERE A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? Nah, being a girl can suck but it has it's advantages.
CRY BECAUSE OF SOMEONE SAYING SOMETHING TO YOU? I used to but I'm thicker-skinned now.
-H A V E .Y O U .E V E R-
FALLEN FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND? Nope
BEEN IN LOVE? No.
BEEN REJECTED? Yes.
REJECTED SOMEONE? Yes.
USED SOMEONE? Nope.
BEEN CHEATED ON? Nope.
DONE SOMETHING YOU REGRET? Many, many things.
LIED? Of course.
-E X T R A S-
SMOKE CIGARETTES? Nay.
COULD YOU LIVE WITHOUT THE COMPUTER? It would suck, I would have nothing to do.
COLOR YOUR HAIR? Yeah.
EVER GET OFF THE DAMN COMPUTER? Once in a while.
HABLA ESPANOL? Un paquito.
HOW MANY PEEPS ARE ON UR BUDDY LIST? 25, lol. I talk to like, 4 of them.
DRINK ALCOHOL? No, I'm done with all that shit.
LIKE WATCHING SUNRISES OR SUNSETS? Sunsets.
WHAT HURTS MORE, PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL PAIN? Emotional, it takes longer to heal.
-N U M B E R-
OF TIMES I HAVE HAD MY HEART BROKEN: Zero.
OF HEARTS I HAVE BROKEN: Zero.
OF GUYS I’VE KISSED (NOT COUNTING FAMILY): Two.
OF GIRLS I’VE KISSED (NOT COUNTING FAMILY): Zero.
OF CONTINENTS I HAVE LIVED IN: One.
OF GOOD FRIENDS: They're all good.
OF CD'S THAT I OWN: About fifty.
OF SCARS ON MY BODY: A lot, I'm a klutz.
OF THINGS IN MY PAST THAT I REGRET: Too many.
-Y O U R . T H O U G H T S-
I KNOW: Too much useless information.
I WANT: some food.
I HAVE: to pee.
I WISH: I could save the world.
I HATE: mosquito bites.
I FEAR: failure and rejection.
I HEAR: music.
I SEARCH: for happiness and satisfaction.
I WONDER: how the rest of this summer will unfold.
I REGRET: my mistakes.
I LOVE: all of the people in my life, and life itself.
I ACHE: when I think about certain things.
I CARE: about a lot.
I ALWAYS: forget things.
I AM NOT: sad.
I DANCE: when the mood strikes.
I SING: poorly.
I CRY: sometimes.
I DO NOT ALWAYS: say the right thing.
I FIGHT: with my brother too much.
I WRITE: things.
I WIN: always. At least I like to think I do
I LOSE: when I become overconfident.
I CONFUSE: other people.
I LISTEN: to a lot of music.
I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND: in the downstairs part of my house or in my room.
I NEED: a job.
I AM HAPPY: most of the time.
I SHOULD HAVE: not wasted like 2 hours on this ridiculous survey.
current mood: peachy keen
current music: Led Zeppelin - Down by the Seaside
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| Tuesday, July 15th, 2003
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4:34 pm - Rolling on the floor laughing my fucking ass off with a tear in my eye
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I just got a pamphlet in the mail from fucking Otakon... LMAO. It's like a piece of my nerdy, anime-enjoying past rising from the dead to bite me in the ASS... I swear, I never went to an anime convention dressed as Mokona from Magic Knights Rayearth, IT NEVER HAPPENED!!! LMAO... Oh, but it did, oh wow, I make myself laugh entirely too much, but the realization of what a fucking FREAK I was is making me giggle. I'm practically entirely the opposite of the way I was in eighth grade... That is a good thing mind you. LMAO, Worm has to hear about this pamphlet, I'm dying... LMAO... Me being haunted by my NERDY PAST, It RULES!!!
Please disregard everything I've written recently because I haven't had contact with any non-related-to-me human being in about 2 weeks and it's effecting me in the worst way.
current mood: strange
current music: Phish - Bouncing Around the Room
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| Tuesday, July 8th, 2003
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11:12 am - What a sad trick you thought you had to play.
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Wow, this is the longest I've gone without updating... I'm alive, I swear.
Being grounded sucks. Don't fuck up like me and drink, and get grounded forever. It's not worth it. I didn't think, I just did, and now I'm paying the price. I probably wouldn't have done it if it weren't for the fact that some other things were bothering me and my judgement was unreasonably foggy that day. It hasn't even been a week and it feels like I've been stuck inside this house for a whole year. And I looked forward to this summer so so much. I don't know when I'm going to be ungrounded, either. Probably never. The whole thing feels horrible and like dirt that I can't wash off of my skin. And I miss Rachael, Monica, Ashley, German, EVERYONE. I'm dead and the whole world is going on without me. WHY AM I SUCH A FUCK UP? I hate this. I hate myself for this. I'm never going to be trusted again, and now my parents must despise and distrust all of my friends even though they're generally good kids and I'm the despicable and untrustworthy one. This is my fault, not theirs.
Sigh. I don't know how to regain or restore a person's trust. Maybe you can't. I know I won't do it again but there's no way for me to prove that. It's a big black mark on an otherwise clean record. Gah. I hate THIS.
On the other hand, I'm feeling a little better than I had been. At least I can talk about things now that have been eating away at me for a long time. I still feel weak and I loathe everything that's happened. It hurts.
And I have nothing exciting to do whatsoever. At least I can still talk on the phone and go on the computer. I hate feeling exluded from my friends' lives, since about March they've all been the only things keeping me sane and now I cannot see them for a while.
Anyway I have to pack because I'm leaving for Florida tomorrow with my mom and grandmother. We're going to surprise my aunt for her birthday. Yeah I've had more than enough of my relatives this week but it'll be six days of not being in this house AKA my own personal hellhole.
current mood: suffocating
current music: Cat Power - I Don't Blame You
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| Sunday, June 29th, 2003
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6:07 pm - Jumping on my trampoline, I hardly make a sound.
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Ahhhh... Monty Python's The Meaning of Life was on BBC last night all unedited and everything... I was practically shitting my pants with laughter. Sometimes I think I enjoy that stuff too much. It's scary. Oh but come on, "Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?" Oh sigh, true comedy.
I tried calling everyone to vent yesterday but everyone's phones just kept ringing and ringing and ringing. What, did everyone decide to simultaneously unplug their phone lines or something? Crazy.
Today I went to Cait's birthday party with Tim at the beach... We swam so much I'm sore as shit. And I was smart and put on a lot of sunscreen so I for once I didn't burn. I actually got really freckly and kind of a shade or two browner. But that's what happens when you have an Irish complexion and go out in the sun for a prolonged period of time. I'd forgotten just how much I love the ocean. Even though it's dirty, cold New Jersey ocean. With dead fish and horseshoe crabs and panty liners floating around. And it's really creepy under the pier. Me and Tim have decided to hang out this summer and find hot boys to teach us how to surf. And I'm going to make him learn more guitar so we can jam together sometime. Speaking of which...
Things to Focus on:
x Getting a job... Even though I really don't freaking want to
x My AP English summer reading list
x Other books
x Writing (I'm working on getting a typewriter)
x The beach.. It's right here, might as well take advantage
x Drawing, I want to fill up my sketchbook
x Guitar. I really, really, really must get crazy good
x La banda, of course
x Umm... Having fun, maybe then I'd have less stress and therefore fewer psychotic freakouts
x Finding decent boys for summer flingage
x The interior decorator in me wants to organize/rearrange my bedroom
x Actually getting together with and spending time with the MLG-BRASH
And other stuff that is too insanely stupid to be posted.
current mood: sore but happy
current music: Glitter Mini 9 - Dreamstalker
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| Saturday, June 28th, 2003
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6:28 pm - You think that because you made out with Santa you're going to get what you want for Christmas...
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Well. I'm bored. Nobody's home. I'm not complaining.
Ever feel so bored/frustrated/crazy/restless/hyper that you feel like screaming and exploding and killing everyone because you can't find anything to do and everything you think of does not satisfy your need to... do something and you feel like a fiend and you find yourself sitting in the fetal position rocking back and forth and thinking completely incoherent thoughts? And you can't fucking calm down so you need to get it out of your system and you don't know what to do??? Well that's me right now. Dunno why either. I'm going NUTS. I can't even explain it. Maybe I just need drugs, lots and lots of drugs..
Anyway, I snagged this from Lara.
Name (first and middle) : Bailey Lynne
Nicknames: Lynch, Bail, B, ummm can't remember but there's others.
Age: 15
Sex: Female
Name three bad habits you have:
1) I can be really obnoxious and loud when I feel the need
2) I'm distracted extremely easily, and I'm lazy
3) I very rarely clean up after myself and my house is usually a mess because of me
Name four smells you like:
1) Clean boy
2) Rain
3) Summer nights
4) Boardwalk food
Name four animals you like:
1) Dogs
2) Whales
3) Baby rabbits
4) Frogs
Name four television shows you love at the moment:
1) The Simpsons
2) Aqua Teen Hunger Force
3) Crank Yankers
4) The Chappelle Show
Name four bands/singers you like that people wouldn't expect
1) ABBA, oh c'mon, maybe it's just kitsch appeal but they have some finely crafted pop songs
2) The Stray Cats. Very few people know that I am a rockabilly admirer
3) Elvis Costello, everybody always thinks of his nerdy image and "Everyday I Write the Book" when I say that but he is definitely one of the most brilliant singer/songwriter/lyricists EVER... "My Aim is True" is one of my favorite albums ever and he is probably my hero
4) Garbage, I don't know, somehow I adore their techno/pop/indusrial fusion and Shirley Manson is awesome
Name four drinks you regularly drink:
1) Water
2) Orange juice
3) Diet Lemon Snapple
4) Kool-Aid
Name four random facts about yourself:
1. I see myself as a pathetic guitar player and I practice like a fiend
2. My life is generally boring and uneventful
3. If I don't get out of the house soon I will kill myself
4. I have an extremely compulsive, addictive, obsessive personality
Name four random facts about your family:
1) I have one brother
2) I often want them all to go away just not permanently
3) I have so many relatives I forget their names and how we're related
4) I'm Estonian, Irish, English, Scottish, Norwegian, and Dutch...
Have you ever...
1) fallen for your best friend? Nope
2) Made out with JUST a friend? Yeah
3) Been rejected? Yeah
4) Been in lust? Um yes I suppose
5) Used someone? Not yet
6) Been Used? I don't know, most likely so
7) Cheated on someone? Nope
9) a)Done something you regret? Sure
9) b) Can you list a few of them? Hell no
Who was the last person....
1) You touched? I can't remember... I'm such a recluse
2) You talked to? My dad
3) You hugged? I don't know
4) You instant messaged? Tim, I think
5) You laughed with? Myself
6) You yelled at? My mom, probably
Do you...
1) Colour your hair? Yeah, my natural color is boring
2) Have tattoos? I can't wait
3) Have Piercing(s)? Ears but they're half closed up
4) Have a boy/girl friend? Negative
5) Floss daily? Yeah, like I said, I have a compulsive personality and I'd go nuts if I didn't
6) Like to groove to the music? Uh yeah absolutely
7) Think you are cultured? Not as much as I'd like to be
8) Like to drive fast? I don't even have a permit yet :-(
9) Believe in God or Devil? No, well the first part kind of, I just don't give it that name
10) Believe in The Closet Monster? No, mine's under the bed
1) What should you be doing right now? Cleaning
2) What are you listening to? Dub Narcotic Sound System meets the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion
3) Can you do anything freakish with your body? I can touch my tongue to my nose and like, lick my nostril if I really want to... Is that freakish?
4) Chicken or fish? Sushi is pretty much the only form of dead animal flesh I'll really eat
5) Favourite Season? Summer
6) Is ice cream the best thing in the world? No, if you worked in an ice cream store for five or six months you'd understand my hatred
7) What would your dream date be? I don't DATE; I'm bitter, remember? Well it would be doing anything with someone who's dateable. Who in reality does not exist so it really is a "dream" date, eh??
8) Single flower or a dozen? Umm... Don't care
9) Silver, gold or platinum? Platinum
10) Candle lit dinner in a restaurant or at home? Restaurant, don't have to clean up
11) Roses or wild flowers? Wild flowers
12) Silly or serious romance? How bout just cut out the romance bit; just loads and loads of absolutely unbe-fucking-lievable sillyness
13) Who was your favourite Spice Girl? Ginger or Posh or something, damn I don't remember it was 5th grade
14) Favourite Disney Character? Sebastian from the Little Mermaid
15) Favourite fast food? Burger King
16) Favourite book? On the Road
17) Favourite Sports teams? No
18) Favourite song? I can't decide so I'll just go with the predictable and say "Stairway to Heaven"
19) What room is your computer in? My dad's home office, also known as the spare bedroom I wish was mine
20) What is your shoe size? 8
21) Happy or Scary movies? Happy
22) What will you be when you grow up? Hopefully a writer or English teacher or something pleasant like that
Ha ha ha Now I'm shivering. I think I'm going to go upstairs and turn up my amp real loud to occupy myself. Or maybe I'll call people, yeah, make some crazy ass wired incoherent phone calls. Muah ha ha.
current mood: edgy
current music: Jon Spencer Blues Explosion - Banana Meltdown
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| Thursday, June 26th, 2003
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12:01 pm - And the radio was in the hands of such a lot of fools trying to anesthetize the way that you feel...
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Summer. I love summer. I know I've been talking about this since January... But this is going to be one of those movie-worthy summers. I can feel it in my bones. It has to make up for all the times we were supposed to have the time of our lives and nothing happened. I'm actually working towards me and Ziggy's goal of doing all the crazy shit on our "summer to-do list" we made in eighth grade only now I'm going to have to revise it and get rid of all the dumb eighth grader goals and add some big bad eleventh grader ones. Hell, I'll post it here when I'm done, I've got no life.
Now I'm kind of kicking myself for skipping Matt's party in order to sleep. I was completely beat beyond caring Tuesday night but then I heard all the funny stories about German and Mon and everyone and also that my presence was wanted there and now I feel bad.
Worm came over last night and we just sat around in my rec room and watched Super Troopers and played Vice City... That movie and that game are amusing as hell. I fell asleep watching Donnie Darko but I'm going to watch the rest today after I make some hemp bracelets and watch Ghost World again for the eight millionth time.
current mood: content
current music: Elvis Costello - Radio, Radio
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