| alone. |
[11 Jun 2013|01:17am] |
sooo i beenn spending alot of time with kalyn and his a sweetie. i love him and he satifys my sexuallualy like no one ever before, makes me cum like all the time. but it comes with a price, his always a perv. checks out girls and jus obsessed. butt above that his a nice guy i jus hope that there is a future with himm and i were we work together towards a goal. and we become sucessful and powerful. i am sooo yeah first night apart. :/ i want him in my arms!
I NEED TO MOVE FORAWRD! an i need to lose weight FUCk
|
|
| nnot a care |
[03 Apr 2013|12:15am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
catpower: werewolf |
] |
I am powerful I just need to care more. and not expect the world to be more. I should be content. and appriciative, leave my dark thoughts alone. and hope and wish for the stars. cant count the hours or minutes for the meaning. so i am going to let my self go. and be open to pain. no games. just let myself fall for him. no holding back. thats the idea here...
i am tired of feeling sorry for myself. i want to actively live better. i am going to try and if i die as a failure, lest i went down in style.
i always miss him. i think about him always bbut when i am with him i try to push him away ... so shut the fuck up!!
i mma do this SHIT! righttt hereee baby! lol sorry that took a weird twist!
LONG LIVE DRUGS!
|
|
|
[12 Mar 2013|01:56am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
nevermind the darkness we can still find a way. work kinda sucks i need a new job blah! i am kinda boy crazy tho about a guy. his name is kalyn. his sexxy and so sweet and knows what to say and knows how to hold me? sometimes who i feel like he likes alota control. but i let him, cus i liked to be controled. his on my mind all the time. and we fuck all the time..... he just turns me on i dont know why its weird. I have never been in a relationship like this. anyways that enought.
so madeline is a crazy jealous WHORE. yeah whore cus she is a hater and a jealous bitch. :) i feel better saying that but its trueeeeeeeeee like wtf. theeres a bitch i wana hurt. anyways and my mom sick and she was in the hospital she has vertigo. I feel like a fucking sloth.. i need to get active and go tanning an be happy with life again. I just need to be excited about my life like DO things. that would make me happy. fucking winter tho SUCKS ASS! anyways another thing i like about kalyn is that his down for adventure i love itttt :P anyways
peace nuff said
|
|
| Whos going to save my soul now... |
[05 Feb 2013|01:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 quixotic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Gnarls Barkley -save my soul |
] |
So i am abit confused. what is my purpose.... to live and pay bills? be deprived of what i want? to struggle?
not about it.
I have a new boyfriend now his name is Kalyn his a really nice guy. we click sometimes but i just am scaed to get too close to him and feel something. I am afraid to like him, and then find out his not the one. I am afraid to get my heart broken. I am afraid to be owned and committed.
I am afraid to be myself.
but his a really nice guy he holds me and keeps me warm. his got a really nice eyes that i can watch forever and i can feel his got a good heart. Something holding me back. enough about boys tho.. life wise i am lost as well.
What do i want? :(
i need answers ma ma i need answers.
|
|
| so you think you can tell heaven from hell? |
[16 Jan 2013|01:17am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
wish you were here.. honestly |
] |
its a cold night.. i had an awful day. I feel utterly defeated by this say. Lost my manager card in the morning and freaked out, second day on the job. got really busy on the job and still managed to get everything done... my mother came in to grab the letter and i gave it to her and well that was that. she is probably loosing her house. I am just scared to get caught for lying in the letter. and get armando in trouble. he said to me " ill sign away my soul to you, where do i sign. fuck man....
then Madeline humiliated me infront of my co workers we her little demeaning parade. which Woj fallowed right after and i just wanted to cry. ugh think i am getting my period but i am just on the verg of insanity and tears these days. Msged the boy i liked to ask him to see me but well he couldnt cus there was a party at his house and well all he wants to do is fuck me.
fuck that.
not trying to catch feeling for a fuck buddie here who flirts with my friend right infront of me. so now i am trying to pon him off to georgina, telling him to take her to blue mountain. fuck that i dont need to sit somewhere where all he wants to do is fuck me. I want to fuck all the time for all the wrong reasons. I been treatedd like a toy by every man and that the mentality i go with. Object of affection, not looking for connection, unless its perfection. my new mato as of now.
my eyes hurt.. from this screen.. havnt felt this low in a while.
billy came to my rescue in less than 10. What a great guy.
tomorrow is another day and i will rise above all this. I always will.
|
|
| new yEar |
[02 Jan 2013|01:33am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
SHARKS CAM MEEKINS |
] |
it was an amazing year hopefully 2013 will be just as Wonderful. I bought my BRAND NEW car, got my g2. well i moved out... been on my own two feet. went to vegas, got promoted. got to BC thanks to my job. my relationship with my mother is amazing. got rid of toxin like ciggarettes and negitive people started taking care of myself. hopefully finishing my university this year. for next year i want to focus on strengthing my body and mind. I really want to be more fit and make better life descions. maybe buy my own place?
yeah my own place and a hefty amount bankkkked. :) well thats the goal...and also i been blessed with a new boy. i am not sure how much his into me. i feel like i opened up to soon but he makes me feel comfortable. i want to know more about him but i am trying to pace myself because to be honest does it really matter? we r having fun :) going to Kali Kali KAli LOL
xoxoo
i am getting stronger...
|
|
| check mate. |
[07 Dec 2012|02:57am] |
|
sooo i am apartment hunting looks like i really need to move out with some else cus its expensive to live onn your own. i need to find myself a rich boyfriend. mmoving out by the end of December. i am so fucked.... liz is cranking up rent and i am getting shafted upstairs... ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh help me! someone help me
|
|
|
[29 Nov 2012|02:25am] |
|
did i mention i went to vegas with my ex around August ??? yeah .. i know. nothing happened by i saw Celin Dion. BIG DEAL <3 love her.
|
|
| in my lonelyest hour |
[29 Nov 2012|02:03am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 full |
] |
i am striving and striving to be better. i have quit smoking for a few months now. i ggo to the gym often now... i am counting my calories nows and stop my self from over eating. so hopefully i will acheive my goal weight of 145 i think i am 170 right now. i am making myself stronger but i am still lacking self confidence. i feel very ugly and unattractive and i think everyone can smell my weakness. my work sent me to BC for two weeks got paid 1400... i am gonnna try to get my shit together so i can move out cus Liz and her kids r kinda CRAZY they all get into fights and its just awkward. i might become a manager but i am not sure... i am still ploting it , but i feel like i should try for other things but i just want to be ok. government is hownding my mom and my brother is still a hopeless case. sometimes i feel sorry for him. i want to cry for him.
i met some new people in BC that i will probably never meet again... which was really cool. i met a guy that reminded me of my ex. sooo much that it fucked with my mind. i still dont think i am over him... he messsaged me today...
anyway i hope i pass everything this year and i hope next year willl be a better year that this.
i am truley blessed to have so many good friends and people in my life.
sometimes i think i say so much rubish that i forget or take forgrant the smaller things in life.
<3 stay strong self, stay strong mentally emotionally and physics
|
|
| i heard you like the bad girls on you. |
[27 Jul 2012|10:01pm] |
|
soooo i am buying a brand new car? 2012 toyota corolla it looks amazing! and i am soo inlove with it.......... but seems like no one seems to share my happyness. that hurts.
it brings me down that people i love dont care. i sound soo stupid i do realize that.
not impressed with kristen and epecialy georgina.... she is next on the cut list.
i am very proud of myself :)
go me!
|
|
| bitches be crazy |
[13 Jul 2012|04:24am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sick |
] |
felicia is a lieing cheating pychopath who makes me feel sick to my stomach how twisted she is.
she first steals from me right infront of me.. like a fucking piece of shit. i trusted her and cared about her an she is a jew with money and weed. like who does that! SEEEN her tyring to steal weed from me why stealing crums like a low life loser.
every time my lifes been good i realize she was the devil on my shoulder that caused me more pain than good.
i tell her i feel for billy what does the cunt do? she fucking starts bullshit between him and i. fabercating the truth why saying fucking lies. telling me billy hates me and how he thinks i am always partying and he thinks of me as nothing how his familly hates me because my friends hate him. how i am a princess ... i dont do anything with my life and i like to complain i am an air head and how i am ahuge pot head. how to him i am a using bitch how is after his money looking for him as my security blanket.
at this point i dont know who to believe.
this is fucked up.
it bothers me how i think about the feeling she this bitch left me feeling and how much i didnt deserve it.
|
|
| so it happened |
[20 Jun 2012|01:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 accomplished |
] |
i finally got my g2! i am so proud of myself! it was easier than i thought! now i am looking to a buy a car and well i am just soooo excited. but i almost set the house on fire i dont know if someone ginxed me or what but i lit up an incents and before i knew it all my magazines set on fire it was really scary. this all happened the day after fathers day so i think daddy is loooking after me :) but my brother as usual is not being supportive. he has a resentment towards me which i am not sure exactly what it is about. it s kinda sickining. but it doesnt matter everything will be ok. i know it. so now that steph moved out i have the whole basement to myself its been a chilling out summer. i havnt done mucch i guess but i will :) i see all sorts of opportunities open for me
i just have to remind myself one day at a time and to breath :)
i have to stay strong.
|
|
| oh my love |
[30 Apr 2012|04:08pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
oh my love john lennon |
] |
life has been un easy once again, things with my mother has been tough. I had to sign a waver so they can check up everything that i own. I have to give my pay stubs to my mom every month. which is fucking rediculious. my brother is in the same boat still. Lost.
i am mmore fucked than everyone else. i am confused. i am not sure what is real any more what makes me happy anymmore. I dont know how to feel anything. i feel hallow.
but krishan said he says i have only been so dark because i have convinced myself that THAT is who i am. but i feel like i can get over anything with alittle bit of time. wish i had someone who would tell me what to do lol
i moved into the basement about a month ago with stephy andher boyfriend. its nicee for suree...
but i am still looking, everything is still shakey and no one to tell me everything will be okay. sometimes if feel too fucking stupid for my own good.
i like too be confused or somethingg ... what the hell is wrong with me?
his still teeling peopl he loves me.......
why am i not doing the same?
billy is a fucking manipulater for his dumb ass theories
fish's priorities are being questioned, with her and her stealing methods ... way too old for that shit
|
|
| loftie crys |
[27 Feb 2012|01:16pm] |
i feel ripped off of a family unit. with strong superiors. instead i have a confused brother and a hushh hushh mommy who cant even tell her daughter she is going on a vacation with her daughter's EX. just sayin...
better than nothing i guess.
feels like a low key monday.
|
|
| when u got it figured out, nothing impresses u than a mirical... are u my mirical? |
[18 Feb 2012|01:13am] |
maybe give gordan a chance? his prettyyy sexy, although immature still respectful even tho drunk and totally horny let see how long it will take him to call me...
perdition:
tonight... JUSt SEX
tomorrow... sobered up and thought.. REGRET
3-4 Days.... Untrustworthy
One week... Smart
2 weeks and moree ...Good.
patty got kicked outttt
DAVE bailed AGAIN out cus his a working monkey... not even intrested..... want them two in the same room and see what happens.... showin u no loooveeeeeeeeeeee
|
|
| a new day will dawn |
[22 Jan 2012|01:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
desert garden-vast |
] |
i feel very confused. I feel extremely lonely. Steph went away with her bf and george went to africa in search to find her truth. billy had droped me and stopped loving me. I think its perhaps because he was falling for me and i told him i slept with matt. and matt.... welll i feel like a cold i dont feel anything.
when i really want to heal and FEEL. i feel so damn helpless my mind is going in loops. i need to talk to someone and vent and just like feel something. fuck, a connection somewhere warm.
i should have given matt more credit.
the lesson here is that, no man would ever surround themself with you and give you attention, buy you things if they truly didnt like you.
its an obvious lesson but its one that i never truly took a grasp on. I had a dress last night that I was being watched in this room that i was living in.
i have extreme anxiety. I couldnt breath at work yesterday. I dont know whats wrong with me I cant stop thinking. i need to stop thinking. i feel very mmixed up. and extreme anxiety.... i dont know what i want from me. I am losing control and i feel like i am slipping. maybe its just my perception.
maybe the way i feel is not relevant to the way things really are. I am a strong person. I dont know why i cant feel that.
i will be okay. i have an angel watching over me. i need to get these boys out of my mind. they dont concern me.
i have a feeling that billys altruism was just away to get my attention. but noo he truly has a good soul. i feel terrible for hurting him. i feel its such a shame that he thinks of me and nothing.
i think i need too divide my emotion from reality and learn to breath. i need to fucking breathhh....
i think the lesson here is independence. the survival of self without my social groups. but i gotta focus of me.
getting fit
saving
buyin a car
being a self sufficient citizen , actually fuck citizen an entity.
|
|
| kettai ("absolutely," "unconditionally," "definitely," "positively" etc. |
[05 Jan 2012|02:36am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crazy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
lover's prayer - otis redding |
] |
Christmas is over and thank god to that! i worked soo much and sooo fucking hard! i work out at times... i am high all the time. I finally paid off my debt ! and i saved alot!! :D
but i think i am getting sick :(
fuckking hell!! ughhh and well i feel goood about myself too. I mean i need to stop looking for reinsurance. for new years I spent it with billys family. holly fuck last year at this time i was thinking how much i liked him and this yeah i spent it with his family. soo strange how things work out. and came home and madeout with pattrick and well i wasnt about it but i still find him very much attractive. i am lost but i thnink what i had with him was very much perfect the was it was. he still makes me jealous at times. i dont know what that really means? i dont know but i realized the more fucked up i am the more he likes me... the further i throw him the quicker he brings it back? u get me?
i am soo ripppppedd but the lesson here is that being nice is not always your best option and also saying NO is okay. makes people try harder for ur affection and realize that u value your time. making your own rules.
so yeah this years rez was to stop giving a shit about what people think.
)
|
|
| none |
[16 Dec 2011|03:39am] |
|
sooo its 3:40 lets say and its rainy and stormy outside and i feel alone. its almost Christmas and welll me and my mom talk like 4 times aweek and i just feel alone. I see family's interacting with each other always having someone to call thier own .... i dont know i just want someone to call my own you know? all my own.
and i want everything to be alright, i just want to feel safe and secure again. have that feeling where everything will be alright.
and sometimes i feel like the struggle is useless>>> but is it?
what r we fighting for? who are we fighting for?
it just doesnt make sense and hope one day it all will. that is all i want.
|
|
| sex drive |
[29 Nov 2011|04:10am] |
|
hmmm............. i am high, and i think this universe will turn better. it just has too...and sweet taste of happiness will be in the air. damnnnnn................... u so fine boi. >>>>
shheeeeeeeze... chera mano neemekhay?
|
|
| why does my heart feel so bad? |
[21 Nov 2011|11:03am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
moby< why does my heart feel so bad |
] |
so i am living my life, i am in my room and well i have everything a girl would need. i have money and my own space in this world but i feel so empty. i dont feel attrative or desirable for anyone.
i bet matt is whoring himself out and looking jacked and he deleted me off his facebook. what a loser like blocked me kinda deleted what a jack ass anyways i personly dont care, what ever i jus feel alittle down today. georgina is rude as shit first off... like no respect for anyone. and i like her but her words hurt me so i dont really like going out with her anyone because why? i feel embarrassed if she really thinks she does me madd favores for what? goin out wit me and driving? anywayss.... thats gayness. thats not a true friend.
but you kno what i personly need to come off more softer, i am just used to aggression because it helps me protect myself but i need to know that being valger and aggressive is not that ... well< attractive.
so the goal is to be softer and act softer not be so bold and out spoken i mean , bahareh how far has that gotten you? time and place for everything i gotta be more serious about life and myself and maybe go for a walk< OR GO TO CLASS!!? two birds with one stone!
i dono its better than wallowing in you bed right? :S attleast thats what i think.....
|
|