Date:	2006-07-31 00:40
Subject:	Forever
Security:	Public
Mood:	content
Music:	India. Arie

Well i haven't written in this in forever. SO MUCH has happened to me since last year. For starters, I went to jail on december 12th for shoplifting. yeah thats right miss goody two shoes went to jail. in jc penney. for no damn reason. dont ask me what happened because to this day i dont know. i had to spend the night in a hot room with eight other women and then moved to another room after having to change into the most disgusting orange clothes and sit there and wait to be released. im on probation now for six months and have to take these stupid larceny classes. i hate it but i did it and shouldn't have. i almost didnt. but i did and now i have to live for it. at least after im done it wont be on my record, which is good.

next things, i finished a semester and a class at uco. i got accepted, surprise surprise, and ill be going to school in august too. i changed my major from english to early childhood education and psychology and i love it. i get to do observations coming up this semester.

louis and i are still together. we've been living together in our place for about six months now. i love it. it was crazy at first but he's wonderful. we got a new car and we're moving into a bigger place in september.

im pregnant. for real this time. im due on december 15th and im having a little boy. louis wants to name him after him, which is fine. unless we come up with something different but everytime we do someone already has a part of the name in his family. there's fifty billion louis's in his family anyway.

im not even showing. lost about ten pounds from throwing up all over the place. my mom said i may be one of the unlucky ones and may throw up the whole time. great. just great. i can feel him kicking and moving inside me. much more than before but much less that i know i will later.

i dont have many friends. a few. not any close ones though. rachel is pregnant again too and due a couple weeks before me. she's having another girl. trying to live this perfect life that everyone knows is just a facade. i know she loves her husband because she felt she had to. i hope she wakes up and learns one of these days.

louis and i are getting married. not for a couple of years though because we're going to do it right and actually have a wedding. probably when little louis is about two or three and and he can be our ringbearer.

my life has been blessed. i couldn't ask for anything better than what i have now. my little child that i love more than life itself and my wonderful fiance' that is everything to me. God has truly blessed me.

Date:	2005-11-02 22:50
Subject:	Untitled
Security:	Public
Mood:	content
Music:	Toni Braxton: Libra

Life is something right now. Stoic. Nothing is happening. At a stand still. I mean I am not complaining about that because that means that there's nothing bad happening right now. I was so tired of crying and all that crap. It was getting really old really fast. I hated it. But now, now everything seems to be getting OK. I'm about to turn 21 in a few weeks, well, less than that, and I'm happy. Almost. Well as happy as can be and blessed because God has helped me get this far. I have a job, a decent one at least until I find something else. And so that means I'm making money. My bills are pretty much in order, the really crucial ones, and I have decided not to go into the air force. at least right now. I'm going to apply to UCO next week so that I can go back to school. It's good. Well I don't have much to say. Except God is looking out for me and I'm looking up at him, having my head up because I know that things are going to get better. And they are. How much fun.

Date:	2005-10-26 22:19
Subject:	I wanna be there
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	??? ME

I just want to leave
be gone and not wonder about what's going to happen
go back to them school days when recess was the worries
what you wore was happenin
and what was giggled about in the halls was the scoop.
I want to go where no one has gone before
to peace and sanity
away from all these hobos and freebies
and people with the heebie jeebies
that think they can get with me
and take away what I got in me.
I want to disappear and fly away
spread those wings that came my way
when God winked at me and gave em to me
said I could use em and give em back when I was done.
Do I have to? No, seriously
cuz I might wanna use these for a while
to peep in on that boy I used to like
or curl in with my mama while she watches her soaps
or look at my daddy being miserable and watchin his Raiders lose-again.
Laugh with my sister with Spongebob and the Pokes
kill demons with my brother and pull his beebies.
I just wanna soak into the water bed
lay my head on something soft awhile
that chest that looks like my man's
and close my eyes and hope that tomorrow doesn't bring
what today brought
that I can wake up and still be in his arms
no moving cuz his arm goes numb
he can take it
just hold me
fly away with me
maybe we'll come back tomorrow.
I don't know.
Do they have swings where we're going?

Date:	2005-10-07 01:08
Subject:	You
Security:	Public
Mood:	content
Music:	Twista

Sometimes the wind whispers in my ears
and its your voice
haunting me
loving me
those sweet melodies
of that deep baritone
makes me shiver
grab the coat of your human skin
around me and I collapse
once you kiss my scars
and save the woman in me.

Date:	2005-10-06 03:08
Subject:	Funny
Security:	Public
Mood:	content
Music:	Toni Braxton-Libra

Well. I'm taking it day by day with Desmond and all and its getting better. I talked to him the other day and that helped me out so much as far as wondering how he was doing and everything.

I'm finally letting go and I'm finally able to love Louis the way he deserves. He's such a wonderful guy and I love him so much. Seriously. My heart is just screaming LOUIS! We are going to get married. I want to get married, well, have to get married before basic. Everyone wants me to wait, or at least Phyllis does. She said you'll be locked down before you get to even see the world. Well, Louis is my world. And the world out there, thats for us to conquer together. He's something else. I'm just sitting here thinking about him, about what it's going to be like when I see him again on Saturday, and I'm getting turned on. LOL. That's crazy.

Well. I'm freakin horny.

Anyway, I have an enlarged right ovary and I have an appointment tomorrow with the doc to see what's going to happen. I'm probably going to have to take fertility pills to have children, and since Louis has twins running in his family anyway, we might have lots of babies. I told him that three was the minimum and he said oh lord or something like that. It was cute.

I talked to Chris today. I love him so much. That's my bestest friend ever. And the only guy that Louis actually likes me talking to even though he's never met him. I mean Chris and I have been friends only since forever.

Well gotta go. Tired. Need to finish these CDs for my boo.

Date:	2005-09-15 00:57
Subject:	Think Back
Security:	Public
Mood:	creative

When you think back
no one has concrete evidence
that one person was here on Earth
just material things
or not even that
just memories.
When you think back
all you can remember is a smile
not always the clothes they were
or even where those clothes are
just that somehow they left an indention
in your heart
your only indication that they once lived
breathed the same air you breathed
maybe even loved the same people you loved.
When you think back
no one is guaranteed existence on this Earth
just pitter patters of what their voice used to sound like
the one God let them borrow
the face they had in your mind's eye
that God let them look like to you.
When you think back
maybe it was your heart's imagination
or God playing tricks on you.

Date:	2005-09-15 00:45
Subject:	Half Baked
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused
Music:	Maroon 5: Harder to breathe

I'm sitting here eating this pint of Half Baked Ben & Jerrys ice cream and wondering what went went wrong in my short life. Each dip into the delicious sin makes me wonder that and I dont even know what happened. MY brother called me tonight to tell me that our family dog died: six years. His name was Beau Jack. My dad's idea. He was crying and I couldn't help but cry too. He was a good dog. He was trying to get out of the fence. My dad's pretty upset Denny said. Fuck him.

My aunt said its karma. What goes around comes around. You can't say things to people and do things to people and expect yourself to not get repercutions for them. That's right. Every single animal we had that was my father's or that he bought-died. My cat is still alive and so is my sister's. And so is my puppy that I miss so much.

Im waiting for the brownies to pop up. Thats the best part of this ice cream.

I told Louis how I felt tonight, how sometimes I admired him so much I was jealous. How he had it so good. How I didn't. How insecure I am. How being with him has caused me to look at myself, all the flaws that I had. How stable he was. For me. Its amazing. This front that I put up.

Isnt life like this pint of ice cream? The majority of its chocolate and you just keep digging and digging and sometimes you'll get chocolate chip, which I dont like, but the best part is the brownies. Sometimes you'll get lots of them and they're so good. And then its chocolate again. Life. So much chocolate and you'll get some chocolate chips here and there, sometimes nothing but, and that's when life is at its worst. And when you think it can get no better, you get your brownie. And it makes that whole pint of ice cream worth while. Those brownies.

Awesome analogy dont you think?

Date:	2005-08-17 20:13
Subject:	Wedding Bells
Security:	Public
Mood:	melancholy
Music:	Michael Jackson-Stranger in Moscow

Louis and I are getting married. May 20th. The same day that Desmond and I had planned.

Sometimes I wish he could just show up right now, talk to me, let me know if he's Ok with what Im doing. I mean I know deep inside he is because he knows how absolutely happy I am with Louis. But its still nice to hear his voice, you know? I miss him so much. I keep crying for him. Its just not fair. Sometimes I wonder if Im even strong enough for it. And I dont know if I am. Cuz I cant take this without him sometimes. The pain is just too much.

I keep thinking that Ill look back when I walk down that aisle and he'll be sitting in the last pew.

My Wedding

Im here
at my wedding
and you're waiting for me
smiling at me
at the front near the preacher
looking all cute in your tux
smile a mile wide.
I come closer, clutching my bouquet
a little nervous
tears streaming down my face
and I almost reach you
our hands graze one anothers
and you're gone
vanished
sitting in the back pew
watching me
nodding your head
approving who I have chosen
knowing that you're gone and can't come back
wanting me to be happy instead with someone else
hearing my heart break and heal again
still yearning for you
questions
no answers
just you.
And you're gone when I look back
your feathers the only detection
that you were once here.

Date:	2005-08-03 02:59
Subject:	Dear Desmond
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed
Music:	Mya-Fallen

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I thought I was doing OK and then I've been dreaming about you. You're always in the background, lurking, but you're there. Watching me. Being there for me. In silence. And this morning you were there, alive, in school. But you were alive. And well. Like I wish you were now. I wish you were now. I wish!!!!

Im getting married. Louis proposed to me last month and we're going to get married. Next May. That's what Im aiming for. Im so happy. He is wonderful to me. Makes me happy. I mean he's a jerk and all that when he wants to be, but he's overall a wonderful guy.

I MISS YOU! Something came over me today. I was looking at our junior prom pictures. Saw you on the computer under ancestry.com with your death. Thought of you. Think of you. Think of you. Writing poems about you. You want to hear them?

My Stolen Senses

I miss you
my stolen senses
you took from me
snatched in the night
like the life
God decided he wanted
when he kidnapped you
sent you away.

I ache for you
summertime rain
sudden and thunderous
wets my cheeks
your grief struck me
down I fell
at the feet of a stranger.

Wedding bells used to ring
then you were sentenced to death
and I wanted to hang around the corners
hope someone else wants this broken heart
the firing squad shattered with bullets
littered your body
our blood combined
and filled the streets
with wine to drink.

I
need
you
to smile
laugh
call me sometimes
I dont know if my heart
can take this long distance
from you
much longer.

Am I so wrong to miss you? Am I so wrong to be Ok sometimes and then the grief hits me like a drum, a burst of wind that knocks me all the steps back that I fought to walk? Is it so wrong to look around for you, wanting you to be there to smile at me, to look at the unfamiliar number on the phone and answer hoping its you?

I MISS YOU. Im dying without you. Without you. Without you. I wish you would come back to life today, tomorrow, this second. I wish you would come back to life and hug me again. Hold me and let me cry and tell you how the joke you played was the absolute worst one for the history books. Wish that there was no tree that your grave was under. Wish there was no flowers I had to give you without giving them in your hands so you can put them in a Hawaiian punch vase. I miss you. I miss you.

I love you.
Nakia

Date:	2005-07-05 22:16
Subject:	Lost
Security:	Public
Mood:	drained
Music:	Vivian Green

I live my life day by day now. There's not much else I can do, right, just live life day by day. Planning makes me miss what's in front of me. And then its gone. Just like Desmond. He's gone. I miss him so much. There is not one day, one moment, that he is not in my mind, slowly invading it, memories seeping through the folders tucked away behind my short term and long term memory binders. He's squeezing my heart with his voice, his laughter, his smile, only to be heard again in my dreams, on videotape, or in the depths of my heart.

I found the card he had given me on Valentine's Day yesterday. I wasn't looking for it, had feared I had lost it but stumbled upon it while looking for my w-2s for my fafsa. There is was, the words that had meant nothing to me that wonderful, romantic night, the night I had ditched him and his heart for my new love. He had taped it on the windshield, I took it to work, showed it off but didnt feel anything.

I feel everything now. One look at those words in cursive on the card that took him over an hour to find, my eye swelled and tears fell. My heart lurched and how I yearned for him back.

I dont tell anyone but sometimes I wonder what it would be, if it would be OK to close my eyes while Im driving, if I could see him, if he could rescue me. If that truck was a little bit more on my side of the road, bumped me a little, and sent me to heaven. I wonder if I will have the chance to not wake up one night and be in his arms. What if I never go to work, sleep all day, would I waste my life away and find myself with him again?

I dont know how to make it through this. At times Im doing really good, feeling really strong, and then something happens and I fall back and Im missing him again, missing him like I cant live without him. I never imagined life without him. Ever. He was supposed to always be there, always bugging me.

When my heart mend? When will this pain in my heart go away, the tortures of his memory in my mind cease? When will I be able to function properly?

I dont know if that's possible. I miss him more than I have ever missed anything in my existence. I yearn for him, wish to hold him or kiss him or just SEE him, for one moment. I want to wake up and see him standing there in front of me, looking at me with those beautiful big eyes that I could stare in forever.

WHY COULD IT NOT HAVE BEEN ME??? WHY HIM??

I feel so lost. I look at Louis and sometimes I wish he was Desmond. Sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel for him like I did for Desmond. I feel like Im blocking the feelings out that I could have for Louis, the potential that is there, because Desmond haunts me. I wonder if Desmond approves, if he is happy where he is, if he is happy because I want to be happy with Louis.

Louis proposed to me last week. I said yes. I want to marry him. I will marry him. My mom said she feels like he's Desmond's replacement. But he's not. They were nothing alike. Nothing. And Desmond was not meant to stay on earth, was not meant to marry me. So why does it hurt so much? Why do I not feel like he was meant to leave me? Does everyone feel like that, does CJ feel like that?

Its going to take so much time. So much. I have to be strong.

I miss him. I miss you.

Desmond.

Date:	2005-06-15 22:30
Subject:	Dear Desmond
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed
Music:	Janet-Come Back to Me

I am so mad at you. I cant believe you just left me like that, without even warning me. How could you? How could you not call me and tell me that something was wrong, like you used to? Why didnt you at least call me and bug me like you used to??

WHERE ARE YOU???

They had too much makeup on you. I didnt like it. I couldnt even touch you. That wasnt you. You were gone. You came to me in the room that Saturday night. But I didnt know it was you. You could have warned me. You couldve talked to me, SOMETHING. We go way back. And then you do this.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I cant believe you wont be calling me anymore, asking me how Im doing. Wanting money. Wanting SOMETHING. I cant believe I wont hear that silly laugh that was so contagious, that made me laugh too, made me happy. I cant believe I wont see your smile anymore, except in the pictures I have. Or at least see you. Face to face. In life. For just one moment.

I dont know how Im going to do this life thing without you but I will try my hardest. For you. For mama. Your mama. Our mama. I love you. I love you. I love you. Dont forget that. I love you. I cant believe you left me. I love you. Im sorry. I love you.

Can I keep writing you?? Is that Ok? It wil help me. Theres so much pain. So much. I love you. I love you.

Until we meet again. Youre in my heart. Smothering it. Haunting it. Holding it. Smiling. I love you.

Forever Loving You,
Nakia

Date:	2005-06-11 20:53
Subject:	He's Gone
Security:	Public
Mood:	distressed
Music:	Janet

Desmond. Is. Gone. He is gone to heaven. He went to a party on Saturday night and never got a chance to wake up again after he passed out. He was drinking and took a morphine patch with cocaine on it. Passed out and was foaming at the mouth. 50 people at the party. And he never woke up again.

Left him in the back of a car. 12 hours. His heart stopped. Beat again after one hour of reviving him. He could hear our voices but he couldnt hear ours. Had to use a breathing machine. Died on Tuesday a little bit before seven o clock that evening.

My first love. Gone. My used to be world. Gone. He's living with his mother now, visiting her, catching up with her. Left me and CJ here by ourselves. Loving him so much. Missing him even more.

I can't cry anymore. He wouldn't want me to. He wants me to be happy. But how can you be happy when they're aren't here? How can I be happy when he will never call me again, never smile at me but in pictures, never hold me like he used to those months ago, when we stole those kisses and embraces?

Im with Louis now. My new love. He's not my heart but he has it. I learned how to separate the two. How to make sure the person does not become your heart. Because your heart is yours to keep, but to share with others that's what you do. Desmond was my heart once. And I was hurt. Still am. Because he is gone. And I can't see him in real life again.

Everyone told me even til the end he was still talking about me, missing me, always loving me. That hurt. Especially when his sister said it to me at his bedside. I ran away. Couldn't take it.

How am I gonna live? We will see.

I love you, Desmond. See you soon.

Date:	2005-05-27 22:24
Subject:	how funny life is
Security:	Public
Mood:	grateful
Music:	Destiny's Child, Cater 2 U

I just cant get over the fact that me and Louis are going to have a baby. Me. Louis. Louis Talley. Louis the goofy nig that was Desmond's friend that was funny but seemed kinda mean. Louis the guy with the white caddy with the leather seats and the goofy grin. Louis, the absolute love of my life, the man of my dreams. Its funny how you never imagine what you're looking for to be right in front of your face. But mine was. Since ninth grade, for five years. And I was searching so young and he was always there. The other nite when I stayed the nite my arm was on his chest and he gripped it and said, "do you feel this? Its yours." I melted. Literally. That was the aboslute sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me and I was amazed at this, at how he was so sweet and so real.

I keep wanting to call it a him so I guess I will for now. And the name Jabari keeps hitting me in the face for some reason, when Im online and when I hear things. Jalen Jabari Talley. I think thats cute. We'll see. Getting a little ahead of myself. Lol. Like usual. But since I have my man, and having his baby, I guess I can slow down. I only have forever right? Well, we'll see.

Date:	2005-05-25 15:36
Subject:	Drama, Drama, and a Baby
Security:	Public
Mood:	drained
Music:	Amerie, Touch

Well. Gina graduated last Tuesday. And she's still doing silly things. She had been lying about her job, saying she was at work when she was somewhere else. Probably with her boyfriend. Dad showed his ass the other day with Will there, almost slamming Mom into the doorway. Mom had a fit and told him that he had better get Dad or she was calling the police on him. THEN Gina calls me today and tells me that she and Leo went to eat lunch at our next door neighbor's house and came out and two of his tires were slashed. She called Mom and of course there's no proof that Dad did it but everyone knows he did. That's just crazy.

And Im pregnant. How is that for some drama? A little angel told me on Mother's Day and I can just feel it. I mean I dont want to say It, but what else? I wont take a test until the middle of June because that's when Ill be able to confirm it. But I just know. I just know. And with all this excitement and drama its upsetting my stomach. I cant deal with all of that or else Ill be right in the hospital. And knowing my luck Ill have twins. I shouldn't say that though. I dont know what to think. I have a baby, or babies to think about. A future to plan. I need to figure out where we're going to be living this time next year, here or Maryland.

Ive decided that Im not going back to school. Im going to take online courses, get my associate's in interdisplinary studies and go and get my bachelor's in business. Maybe when the baby or babies are old enough Ill go back and get my MBA. We're going to travel the world (Louis and I and our child(ren) and get married on a beach. Thats the jist of it. Well.

Date:	2005-05-20 21:58
Subject:	It just is
Security:	Public
Mood:	grateful

You look at me and I see
what all I can be
in me in you
the lights in your eyes
they guide the way for me
for always
maybe if you'll let me.
The night's bring the cold
but when you're next to me
the warmth is subtle but its there
like the small smile at the edge of your lips
when I say something stupid but you don't want to laugh
or when I trip and you want to make sure Im alright
before you tumble into your laughter.
You comfort me
with your eyes when you look at me
study me and love me
the heart I feel when I lay with you at night sometimes
that laugh that soaks my heart with rays of forever
in hopes to be permanently sick with it
the beds of flowers your life brought to mine.
Love I couldn't seem to keep
then you came and showed me the way
and when you hold my hand
kiss my lips
my heart flutters, bends
my eyes close and the world disappears
and heaven comes to greet me.
I want to ask questions, probe and wonder
you look at me and tell me,
"It just is" and I believe you.
Take me to the river, let me swim with you
let me lie next to you and hold you til your breath comes
no more
because it just is
that I love you
and Im yours.

Date:	2005-05-20 21:40
Subject:	long, long time
Security:	Public
Mood:	content
Music:	Mya-Fallen

I haven't written in this in a while. So many things have happened. So much has changed. So much is gone. Its funny how only a few months can go by and your whole life can change in front of your eyes.

Im not with Desmond anywhere, haven't been in awhile. Since I've been back. Since that ordeal with Omar. I left him alone, even though we still saw each other sometimes. But never again. Im not going to put myself in that predicament. So I found someone else. Or rather, we found each other without looking. Slipped, fell, looked up and were in each other's arms. That's what happened.

His name is Louis. Louis Talley. And he was Desmond's best friend. It all happened on New Year's Eve, the night before the new year where you want to simply forget everything about the year before when twelve o'clock rolls around. A little drinking helps. We were doing a little bit of that. Louis got bold, so shy he always was. We were at his house, Desmond, Ashley, him and I. I had taken his hair out and we were flirting. The smirnoff that we had in the car on the way to his house did that to us.

Funny, because the week before Louis wasn't even a thought. Yeah, we rode the same bus to school in ninth grade, had the same friends, but we never talked. We had a class together sophomore year, he was there when I ran away from home senior year, but we never talked. He was talking to my best friend, dating on and off, and I was, well I was with Desmond. I was Desmond's girl.

I had gotten into the car and Louis glanced at me. He smiled. Ashley had told me earlier that he liked me but of course I never believed her because it started that nite. But when he glanced at me, I could feel it. But I ignored it.

He got Desmond. We went to his house. Chilled. Counted down. And Louis said he wanted to kiss me, he had never kissed a girl with a tongue ring before. He had one. We kissed. And it was over.

It was nothing. Not at the time. But we became inseparable from that day forward. We were just friends. He would take me to the movies, out to eat. And we kept it a secret from Desmond. We didn't want to tel him. Even though we were just friends.

We started to like each other. And he told me he had liked me since ninth grade. So sweet and endearing. But I wasn't sure what I wanted, who I wanted. What. But I took a chance, kept talking to him even after Desmond pleaded to both of us that he and I were trying to work something out. Something about Louis didn't want to let go. Even though he was just my friend.

I love him. I slipped and fell for the goofy, Afro man with the crooked smile at his grandparent's 50th anniversary family reunion. And still, we are inseparable. We take one day at a time, nothing more nothing less. And I stay the night a lot. And we just be.

Its nothing like when I was with Desmond. I realized that Desmond was an ideal, a figurine that I had made up in my mind the way I wanted him to be, formed him to become. And when he didn't that was it for me. But when I finally let go I realized that he was nothing that I wanted. And he probably deceived me more times than could be counted, but my fault and I moved on. To someone who had never been in love before, thought I was perfect until I slipped up and slept with Desmond again, one last time.

And since then we don't talk anymore. Desmond and I. He calls sometimes, but I don't always answer. It might be a hi and Im busy and that's it. Its all Louis. Louis, the goofy six foot four ball of happiness that goes with the flow and doesn't have a near care in the world except his mama, God, and me.

Date:	2004-12-13 15:49
Subject:	missing something
Security:	Public
Mood:	discontent
Music:	India.Arie

I have been doing a lot of thinking and I am tired of feeling this way. I am going to go home and make a clean slate for myself, which means I am going to be single. Why not? It seems like Desmond and I have too many problems...he blames it on the long distance which probably has a major part but I don't believe that it's true. I am growing away from him, have been and I told him that. But he doesn't listen to me. Not like used to.

So what am I doing? Holding on to something, hoping somehow he will wake up and realize what he's doing. But if he hasn't by now it's not my job to make sure that he does, or to wait around and mess other opportunities up because I am stuck on something in the past. Someone emailed me and said a lot of things to me that made so much sense....a lot of the things they said to me sounded like I know them....but if they want to remain unknown that is their choice. I won't go investigating.

Sometimes I don't know how I should be treated. I've done some mean things lately and I don't know if that still means that I should feel like I should be treated like a queen or not. Does it? I cheated on Desmond and that made me feel less of me....but is that supposed to happen? Does that mean I deserve less? I kepe thinking that everything happens for a reason and...that I am not getting something from him and I should reevaluate our relationship...but am I right? I don't know! I need to ask someone about this....it has been bugging me. Because it makes me feel like the bad guy all the time and I can't get rid of it. And there is no one to tell me that it's ok because I don't even know what is about this anymore.

Date:	2004-12-10 00:41
Subject:	Love Monster
Security:	Public
Mood:	mellow
Music:	B.B. King

It sucks the life out of those unwilling to live
unwilling to fight
and preys on the flesh of those too weak to win
those who give in and await the curse.
It will catch your face in its jaws and rip away your eyes
strip you of your senses
and leave you shivering and wanting to die.
No one can escape it
the seduction it engulfs you in
the scent that wraps around you tight in the night
as you walk home in the cold crisp full moon
and it kidnaps you, rapes you
leaves you violated and begging for it to cease.
But it doesn't know how to
it doesn't know how stop
for when it catches sight of you
locks in
it will never let go.
It does that to you,
Love.
Your heart will be ripped away in one swift motion
and left bleeding on the streets for everyone to see
to touch, to taste
and you'll walk around dead and with a hole in your chest
because there is no exchange on this item
no refund if you don't like what you see.
You have no choice but to let go
to lie in wait to have your organ surgically removed
no time to enjoy the pain of it
you'll have the rest of your life for that
if you will live to see another day
when Love takes over you.
I pray that you can survive longer than I
gripped in its claws and shouting for more
it hurt but it felt good
and I'll continue to fall down that cliff
the jagged rocks pounding away at my soul
falling to the bottom and dying instantly
the fall is the best
suicide.
You can't go to Hell for this one
when Love takes a hold of you.

Date:	2004-12-09 14:17
Subject:	i don't even know what to call this!
Security:	Public
Mood:	frustrated
Music:	Anthony Hamilton

You know when someone asks you something you don't know what to say? You just go blank and then when you do reply you say the stupidest shit EVER to come out of your mouth? Of course you don't realize until you look back and then think, "What the FUCK did I just say?" Yeah, that happened to me. Omar found me out. I can't really say FOUND me out because the things I said to him about him and how I felt about him were real. I was honest about that. I just wasn't honest about Desmond.

Damn him (desmond)! When I hung out with him this past weekend I even opened up my journal because I was going to tell him; I've been fighting with this for weeks. That's why when he asked me out I said maybe because I knew I had to be honest about Desmond. It wouldn't be fair to him if I said yes but I still had feelings for someone else and was talking to him. Besides, I wasn't even sure I was going to still be here and I didn't want us to get into each other and I just up and leave. But it doesn't matter now, now does it? He read it and I hurt him and that's the end of the story.

I won't apologize to him because he doesn't want that. I guess I won't even talk to him anymore because he can't trust me and that's what he wants so I will just respect his wishes and get on with my life. It hurt though, feeling that hurt and anger vibrating off of him like that. I had picked up on something in his last emails but I couldn't put my finger on it. I am mad, yeah, at myself. But things happen for a reason.

All I can say is that I really started to like Omar, but i didn't really realize to what extent until he sat there and said he wasn't even sure we would be friends. That hurt me. I had to hold back my own pain because I hurt him. I don't do that. I don't hurt people. So why did I do that to him? Why didn't I just push everything away and just tell him the truth? I wouldn't want it to be like this. He helped me forget about Desmond, made me realize that maybe I can get a good guy. But I fucked that up good and lovely. And I am so sorry. I wish I could do it over again. Omar didn't deserve that. But I can't tell him that. I just hope that the next one won't hurt him like I did...I hope she's good to him.

I am not a bad person. I am not. I doubt if I even told him that he would believe me. But I lost a good friend. Because I stil love someone else and can't make up my damn mind as to what to do with him. And I let him in the friendship Omar and I had and didn't tell Omar that there was someone else.

Well enough of that. I can't beat myself up over it forever. Everything happens for a reason and maybe Omar and I just weren't even meant to be friends. Who knows? I want to be his friend but it's OK if he doesn't want to be mine. I can accept that. I am going to continue to pray for him like I have been to get into that fraternity that he is trying so hard to get into because, despite the little CD he made me with all the songs the same, I do believe in him and even if I don't talk to him I will never stop.

Date:	2004-12-08 19:06
Subject:	Gotta Go
Security:	Public
Mood:	discontent
Music:	T.I., Ludacris, Fabolous

OK, you know what?! My damn father has taken the cake this time-I have to withdrawal from next semester because he still refuses to pay. If I had known that I could have been went home and not have a damn 5,000 bill to pay! I am going to get into his ass when I get home...yeah, I have to pack up all my shit in about seven days and head back to Oklahoma. That is just great. I ended up going on my period three days early, sweating, and finding a gray hair because he pissed me off so much.

I am NOT going to live in that house very long. I am going to save, save, save or at least move in with Dez until we can get off our feet and move in together. I am going to work and I will work my ass off so that I can get my own place, or at least for me and Desmond and then I will go back to school this fall.

I am so upset that I have to leave everything here. I don't have anything else to say, not right now.