Now everything in shades of grey

+ what they're saying
+ here i am
+ look me in the eyes
+ some people mistake me
+ (832)-555-8604
+ who i am +

Full Name: Michelle DeSevren Jacquet Branch
Status: ?
Birthday: July 2, 1983
Residence: Los Angeles
Height: 5'5.5
Hair: Black
Eyes: Dark Brown

+ discography +

Broken Bracelet 2001
The Spirit Room 2002
Hotel Paper 2003

+ it's you +

If tomorrow never comes
I would want just one thing
I would tell it to the stars and the sun
I would write for the world to see
And it's you
The light changes when you're in the room
And it's you
Oh it's you...

If tomorrow never comes,
I would want just one wish
To kiss your quiet mouth
And to chase the steps of my fingertips
And it's you
The light changes when you're in the room
And it's you
Ooh it's you

+ the ones i love +

hayden. my best.
britty baby
secret lover :-*
ali rawr
sm4e 1
sm4e 2
katherine noelle

+ reach for the stars*

Friday, September 19th, 2003

Time:19 Sep 2003|11:58pm
Mood: happy.
moved here. oops.

Tuesday, September 16th, 2003

Time:16 Sep 2003|11:35pm
Mood: rejuvenated.
Music:favortie - liz phair.
I am currently residing in Cameron's house in Malibu. I really wanted to be with her in case Zach decides to pop out and grace us with his presence early. And I am going to rub her feet and cuddle her until she is so sick of me that she wishes she never asked me to be her maid of honor. Which, by the way, I am so incredibly excited about. I get to be right next to the two people whose relationship I have admired for so long when they exchange their vows. I'll probably be in tears the whole time. I'm such a wimp.

I had the most amazing morning. I woke up right at dawn and went down to the beach and just laid all day in the sun. It was so peacful. Something about being by yourself is just so incredibly relaxing. I was able to just focus on myself for once and clear my mind of all the hectic thoughts streaming through my brain. But it was all cured by the sand under my back and a bottle of wine.

I feel like I am on vacation. I guess I kind of am. I mean, I've had such a long break at home after Andrew was done witht he 311 tour... it's really sad when 3 weeks is considered a long break. But being in Malibu makes it feel even more like a break. I'm just hoping that maybe tonight I won't be sleeping alone... -smirks-

Sunday, September 14th, 2003

Time:14 Sep 2003|11:58pm
Mood: contemplative.
Music:young hearts run free.
I hate feeling helpless. Seeing people that you love and care about hurting is one of the worst feelings in the world. But having them not open up to you or run away hurts even worse. It kills me to see people upset. I am still in my 5 year old mentality where everyone should be happy, I guess. When you are 5, people don't run away to igloos, or hide out in locations unknown, or sit in front of your face and tell you they just don't want to talk about it. When you are 5, you tell people what's wrong, and you get it all out, and then 10 minutes later you go outside and play on the playground. Maybe if you would just get it all out we could go play on the playground....

I feel like I cling to my relationships with boys a lot more latly. It makes me feel safe, I guess. Somehow it's just comforting to know that I have guys around to give me the blantant truth. But the truth can suck too. Too often I have been coined with the term "little sister" or "one of the guys". Now, I admit that I am not much of a girly girl. So maybe being "one of the guys" isn't so bad. But when that is all you are seen as for so long, you start to notice that the guys are looking right past you to the girly girls. Being one of the guys means that you aren't seen as a girl. You aren't seen as alluring or attractive or sexy. You are seen as a friend. The friend label is so hard to shrug off.

ps. hi daveed. can we gossip now? because i dooOOoooO00ººoo love yoOOooo000u.

yes this is a one liner
Time:14 Sep 2003|01:49am
Mood: excited.
Cameron Richardson just made me so happy I could burst.

Friday, September 5th, 2003

Time:05 Sep 2003|12:39pm
Mood: bouncy.
Cam is my idol. So I am copying her. This is for Andrew.

[1] When and how did we meet: Katie told me about this really hot guy that she met and so I just HAD to meet you.
[2] What did you first notice about me: The fact that you had the hugest grin on your face all night.
[3] What do you like most about me: You are able to make me feel like everything is perfect without even trying.
[5] Have you ever seen me with my shirt off: -gasps- No never.
[6] Have you ever seen me cry: Yes. The worst part is that it's always my fault.
[7] Describe me in four adjectives: Talented, sexy, hilarious, and perfect.
[8] If we could spend a day together what would we do: Lay in bed all day just laughing and talking and then you would carry me to the music room, lay me on the piano, and play for me... followed by a nice trip to our spot on the beach. And the best part is, we do that all the time.
[9] Have we ever gotten in a fight: Yeah. And again, I am to blame for every one.
[10] If you could give me a present what would it be: There is nothing I could give you that would do you ANY justice.
[11] Would you hug me: I might not be able to let go.
[12] What do you really think of me: It is all sumed up in one word... Mio.
[13] Have we ever kissed: No. We should try it. ;D
[14] Has there ever been anything you wanted to tell me, but were scared to: Sometimes.
[15] Wanna makeout: Yes, now please.
[16] Is there anything you dont like about me: I hate it when you have to leave.
[17] What makes you think of me: I never stop thinking of you.
[18] Whats your name: Michelle DeSevren Jaquet "Cleo" "Bella" Branch. Take your pick
[19] Am I nice to you: You treat me like a princess. :\
[20] Have we ever dated: Never. But my friend Miss Cleo said we should try.

Wednesday, September 3rd, 2003

I was taught of love today...
Time:03 Sep 2003|10:11pm
Mood: loved.
"Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penerates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope."

I am writing about love. I have plenty of food on my plate, clothes on my body, shelter over my head, and air in my lungs. I have the means to buy things I need, and money to spend on my own entertainment and to pay taxes. I have transportation. I have friends who care for me, and I for them. I have a loving family. I have faith. I have knowledge and the motivation to obtain more of it at my disposal. I have curiosity, and like to think that I have hope. I have abilities. Abilities to laugh, to create, to exercise, to exert, to help, even to influence. I have music. I have emotions. I have great stories to tell and few regrets to lament. Basically, as far as needs in my life are concerned, I want of nothing. Especialy when it comes to love.

I have seen people search for love all their lives and never fullfill that "need" inside of them. And the reason has become completely simple to me. Love is something that you cannot search for. If you just wait, it will find you. And when it does it will conquer your heart and move you in ways you've never thought possible. Love even has the power to take your heart and drop it onto the sharp rocks waiting below. And trust me, there will always be rocks waiting. But you have to pick yourself up and keep going, knowing that love is always there. Always waiting for another round. And the second round feels just as good as the first....

"Have enough courage to trust love one more time. And always one more time."

I love you, Mio.

Thursday, August 28th, 2003

Time:28 Aug 2003|10:47pm
Mood: peaceful.
Music:i can hear 311 performing still....

So, I wasn't at the VMAs tonight. In my opinion, no offense to anyone, it was no big loss. I would so much rather be in Albuquerque watching the most talented person I've ever met perform. Which is exactly where I was.

I saw bits and pieces of it from the tour bus and on the TV backstage. I saw the kiss, saw Vivica A. Fox looking like a $2 whore, and saw that Johnny Cash did not win one single fucking VMA. At least Justin had sense enough to share the award with Johnny. Oh, but I did get to see all of Good Charlotte's performance. Wow, you kids kicked all ass. I loved it. I plan on watching one of the many re-runs tomorrow on our way to Denver so that I can see the whole show.

Wednesday, August 27th, 2003

I'm finding my way back to you and everything I used to be
Time:27 Aug 2003|11:13pm
Mood: tired.
Music:when it goes down -- soco.

Is it always this hard to get things back to normal in a relationship after taking a break? I guess you can't really expect everything to be all flowers and rainbows after leaving on terms like we did. I think the silent break up might have been worse than him letting out whatever anger he had toward me, yelling and slamming doors. It was the silence that broke me.

That makes everything seem bad between Andrew and I, and right now that couldn't be any further from the truth. I am waking up in his arms everyday again. He carries me on his back from the bus into the venue everday, where I sit ontop of his piano for soundcheck. He then whisks me off and carries me back to the bus where we proceed to... talk. Followed by me watching their show from offstage, grinning from ear to ear the whole time with an exception of when I hear Down starting, at which point I get a little teary. Why? Well... I guess I'm a little scared that one day I will be immortalized in his mind only by that song. I hate to bring Krystal into this, but how can I not? I don't want to be the next Konstantine, you know? Because sometimes I can still see the anger and resentment in his face when he plays that damn song. And I just don't want that.

I don't want to think about that anymore. See, I start thinking about something and then it just eats at me and then I say it or write it and I sound like such a drama queen.

You know what I mean when I say that I come from a place that hurts.
You fit in my scene and you try to make everything work...

Friday, August 22nd, 2003

if tomorrow never comes, I would want just one wish... and it's you
Time:22 Aug 2003|12:24am
Mood: peaceful.

It's been 9 days, 8 hours, 40 minutes, 10 seconds since you called...
My heart sank. My mind raced. The entire world stopped for the 5 second message on my voicemail. "What do you do when you can't take your mind off of someone?" It was so short but it said everything. Everything that I have wanted to hear for 9 damn days. Just hearing his voice... that voice that has put me to ease, made me smile, made me cry... the voice that has sang me to sleep and woken me up night after night, day after day. It gave me butterflies, just like it has every time he speaks to me. It's amazing what hearing someone's voice can do to you. Someone you love...

I want to feel the way you make me feel when I'm with you
I sat on that tour bus for so long waiting. I could've been five minutes, it could've been five days. I wouldn't have known the difference. I could smell his scent and it killed me. I started to think that I made the wrong choice in coming... just showing up. I should have called, I should have asked... There were so many things I should have done. So many things and not enough time yet all the time in the world. I hate time. Time apart. Endless time. And now time was stopped and it was taking so long to pass. And then another call. Same voice. Butterflies.

And I'm scared, 'cause these things fall apart. Electric baby, and I've known it from the start. So please forgive me for being like I am, but I'll take you if I can.
I held his hand tightly and everything was ok. There was nothing else. It didn't matter what we were or where we were. I didn't care about words or broken promises. All I wanted was to have him touching me. The dinner didn't matter. The appology didn't matter. All that mattered was the way he touched me, the way he kissed me.. the way he could look me in the eyes again and tell me he loved me. All that mattered was I could believe him. And I do. And I always will.

Can you still feel the butterflies?
I can.


Tuesday, August 19th, 2003

Time:19 Aug 2003|10:50pm
Mood: predatory.

Okay. There are a few things in life I don't understand like why chocolate chips can't be healthy, why paper cuts hurt worse than huge gashes, why popcorn never fills me up... But latly the question that has been plaguing me is: Why can't I just be me? What is the big deal? I am twenty years old. I am single. I am trying to find myself, and if I need to do that through other people, then so be it. Why is it such a big thing what I do and with who? Why does it matter if I like a guy, or two guys, or thirty seven guys? I just don't get the fuss over it. I am a big girl, let me do my thing and grow up how I want to grow up and if you don't like that, then fine. I'm sorry that you are another person I can't please. Maybe I'll work on pleasing you tomorrow, but don't count on it. I am more concerned with pleasing myself right now, and if that is selfish then so be it. I'm sorry you don't like me for the way I am. Let's make cookies and find some common ground.

Isn't this the best part of breaking up, finding someone else you can't get enough of?

Sunday, August 17th, 2003

if I had known I'd be walking home alone...
Time:17 Aug 2003|06:46pm
Mood: nostalgic.
Music:Brand New :: Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades.

Is it wrong not to know what's going on in your own mind?

I am downing candy by the handfull and it makes me feel so good. Artificial happiness, my ass. This is real happiness. Where is the nearest playground?

edit: It's really weird when you can't talk about your feelings. I mean, at first I didn't know my feelings at all. And now... now I just don't know who I could tell them to. Or if I want to tell them at all...

edit deux because I feel like it: Isn't anyone else afraid of life? Isn't anyone else lost? I know I am. I'm sitting here, upset because I feel like I can't keep up. And the worst hasn't even started. As much as I'd like to live for the moment, my moments are too quick, I have to look ahead to keep up. Why the hell do things have to be like this? Why do I have to keep being me? Why cant I be...better? I cant get away from me.

edit tres. what the fuck is wrong with me?: Maybe it's just that change is one of the hardest things to deal with. I got so used to having someone catch me when I fell, someone to make me feel needed, someone to make me feel wanted... I don't feel secure in letting myself fall anymore. What if I fell and no one caught me? What if I just couldn't get up after that? I don't feel needed or wanted. It doesn't brighten anyone's day when I walk in the room anymore. Change. Wow. Big scary.

And your eyes must do some raining
If you're ever gonna grow
And when crying don't help
You can't compose yourself
It's best to compose a poem
An honest verse of longing
Or a simple song of hope

mm cryptic one liners
Time:17 Aug 2003|02:18am
Mood: devious.
Music:bowl of oranges .. bright eyes.

Do you ever wonder if you are really what you think you are or if you are just forcing yourself to think you are that way?

Thursday, August 14th, 2003

Hi my name is Chelle ...echo, echo, echo... "Hi Chelle"
Time:14 Aug 2003|08:10pm
Mood: embarrassed.
Pretend I started this entry with something great, okay?

I don't want to be the sweet innocent little girl that everyone wants me to be and sees me as. I guess in some ways I play along with it and I even like the attention. I like people seeing me as their little sister... somtimes. But sometimes I don't want to be your little sister. I want to be the girl that guys look at and go crazy over. I want to walk in a room and have girls look at me and wish that they could be me. And then I want them to hide their boyfriends from me. I want to be a full blown sexual threat. I want guys to see me and stare. I want them to be the ones who blush and jumble up words around me instead of me being the one looking like a babbling fool. I want to be wanted and lusted over. I.. I just want.. yeah. Okay thanks. Bye.

Wednesday, August 13th, 2003

I guess forever wasn't long enough....
Time:13 Aug 2003|04:06pm
Mood: blank.
Music:i don't want music right now.
I'm taking my time. I'm trying to leave the memories of you behind.

As a lot of you know, I am in New York right now. I needed a bit of a break from life and from my house. -bites her lip- Andrew left for tour yesterday. He took my engagment ring with him. It was a mutual thing... I think. I don't know. I don't want to do this anymore.

Monday, August 11th, 2003

Time:11 Aug 2003|11:19pm

i am chelle and i love weez )

Time:11 Aug 2003|11:15pm
HI MY NAME IS MICHELLE JAQUET BRANCH. wtf kind of name is that chelle really now.

ANYWAY I have the sudden urge to watch Moulin Rouge on the phone with Pierre and then we can watch Grease 2 together because REPRODUCTION IS THE WAY TO GO. Or something.



you are really mean and this update really sucks


Time:11 Aug 2003|10:28pm
Mood: amused.



Tuesday, August 5th, 2003

"i'll never tell you to go"
Time:05 Aug 2003|09:26pm
Mood: blah.
Okay. Another dreaded update that I know is going to get me all emotional and potentialy crying.

I missed a period. ...yeah. *chews on her lip* I missed a period and I waited two weeks praying that it would come. It didn't. I was too afraid to tell anyone, especialy Andrew, so I kept to myself and played it cool. Acting like everything is fine is harder than it seems. "Everything is perfect. Things are going just as planned" became my motto. I don't know how many times a day I said that to people. I almost started to believe it myself... Only almost.

You don't really realize how scary the thought of being pregnant is until it happens. My mind turned into a complete jumble. I honestly don't think I have ever had so many thoughts running thought my brain at the same time. Am I really pregnant? What is Andrew going to say? How could I do this to him? He is going to hate me. How am I supposed to take care of a baby? I can barely take care of myself. I am only twenty years old... How long have I been pregnant without knowing? Has it been all month? Oh, God, I've been drinking. Now my baby is going to be deformed. Good one, Chelle. Really good. Oh no, how am I supposed to go on tour like this?? Are my fans going to hate me? My mom is going to die. ..I think the worst thought of all was "This is my fault." I let myself do this. I chose to have sex. I chose to stop being so cautious. I have been so irresponsible. This is my fault.

Last night I was sitting on the kitchen table when Andrew came up and crawled into my lap, kissing me and telling me he loved me. I knew then that I had to tell him, I absolutly could not keep it from him anymore. It was wrong. I kind of gave him a bit of a disclaimer saying "Please don't get mad at me.. I should've told you two weeks ago..." and so on. And then I told him. His face made me want to cry. He was so shocked. I kept appoligizing and telling him that there was still a chance that it was all just nothing. He took my hand in his and kissed me again, telling me that he was okay with it if I was pregnant because he had planned on having children with me sooner or later anyway. Wow. I have the most amazing fiancee in the world.

He went to Rite Aid and got a test. I had to pee in a cup. Peeing in a cup is by far the grossest thing ever, let me just say. There was a 10 minute wait for the result, so Andrew and I assumed our normal postion atop the kitchen table and sat silently. More thoughts than ever zoomed through my head. I started to accept the fact that I was most likely pregnant. I even started to like the thought. I mean, Andrew was right. We were going to have children together eventually. Being pregnant wasn't so bad after all...

When the 10 minutes, which felt like 10 hours, finally passed, I jumped off the table and ran into the bathroom faster than I have ever ran before, narrowly escaping busting my ass when I slipped on the bathroom rug. I grabbed the strip and looked at it just as Andrew appeared in the doorway. I didn't know what to feel. Blue line. Not pregnant. I guess I was relieved, but I couldn't help crying a bit. I know that when Andrew saw my face he thought it was positive. You could see the apprehension in his eyes. I threw the kit in the trash and looked at him, whispering "negative". I walked past him and to our room, crawling into bed and burying my face in my pillow. Not even a minute later, Andrew crawled in bed next to me, unconvered my face and told me it was okay. He said that if I really wanted, we could try for kids now. My heart kind of jumped, and I thought about it for a second.. Finally I told him I didn't think I was ready, and I think that was the greatest desicion I've made in a while. He said ok, kissed me on the forehead, and held me until I fell asleep.

And now I don't know how to end this. Goodnight?

Oh, and thank you Britt for being the psudeo father of my non-existant baby. I love you for it.

Sunday, August 3rd, 2003

Time:03 Aug 2003|11:06pm
Mood: flirty.
This probably won't be a long update because I have a very sexy boy laying next to me in bed and he is pouting for me to turn off the computer. And quite frankly, I want nothing more than to be on top of him right now.

So, I was reminicing a bit today, looking at my old journal entries... even the ones back on UJ. Wow. I was a loser. I mean, comparing those entries to these, I personaly think that the change is kind of amazing. In a lot of aspects I have grown up. I've experienced a lot, I've learned a lot... Hell, Mike even things I'm normal now. But one thing that I need to realize is that maybe I don't need to focus so much on growing up right now. It's going to happen naturally, I know, but there's no need at all for me to force it along. I am having the time of my life right now being twenty years old. I almost don't want to grow up in fear that I will have to stop doing a lot of the things I do now... You know, like laying on the kitchen table and making up yoga moves, or singing old-school cheesy pop songs way too loud and dancing on my bed, or getting drunk off my ass on hot pink margaritas with Brit. Is it wrong for me to not want any of this to end? Maybe that's the part of me that is still really immature... I don't know...

Thursday, July 31st, 2003

Time:31 Jul 2003|03:03pm
Mood: content.
Music:why cant i .. liz phair.
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you? Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you?

My relationship with Andrew is far from perfect, and I like it that way. But latly it seems like our little imperfections make our relationship even closer to perfect in my eyes. Like the way we bicker over the stupidest things. Last night it was who's turn it was to do the dishes. I swear we sat there for an hour fighting about it until we got so heated that I jumped on him and we ended up doing the dishes together an hour later. Or the way we have "yes!" "no!" "yes!" "no!" wars until we have forgotten what we were arguing about in the first place. And then there's the way that he acts annoyed when I wear his clothes but always tells me how hot I look in them. The way he kicks the sheets to the bottom of the bed every night.

Isn't this the best part of breakin wakin' up? Finding someone else you can't get enough of... Someone who wants to be with you too

It's also the little things that make our relationship so amazing. I woke up this morning and stumbled into the bathroom to brush my teeth and he had written "I love you" on the mirror in the steam left from his shower. I loved that. I love how he wakes up before me everyday, but he stays in bed and waits for me to wake up. I love when he kisses me through the blanket when I wake up to spare me his morning breath. I love the way he sits on the kitchen counter and watches me make breakfast. I love that he seems just as happy with cereal as he does with some well planned out breakfast. I love the fact that he is still wearing the plastic purple ring that I gave him out of the Lucky Charms box a few days ago. I love how everyday after breakfast he goes into the music room and play. I love the way he closes his eyes when he plays and the way his fingers just float over the keys. I love how he will keep playing, even when he's tired of it, just so that I can watch. I love how he made me jump around on the keys with him and I love that when I was too scared, he got a floor piano for us to jump on. I love the things we have done on that floor piano .. hehe. I love how he will just sit with me on the couch when I don't feel like doing anything, even though I know he doesn't want to. I love that he doesn't let me talk bad about myself, no matter how hard I try. I love that he's not afraid to call me on my bullshit. I love the way he clenches his teeth when he's upset. Gah, even his anger is beautiful. I love the way he will scoop me up every night and carry me to bed. I love how he rolls his eyes as I pull on his boxers and his t-shirt. I love the way they come off as soon as I get in bed. I love how he holds me so close to him and kisses me goodnight. I love laying awake after he falls asleep with my head pressed to his chest, feeling it rise and fall. I love being able to fall asleep at night and wake up each morning with a smile on my face knowing that it is going to be another amazing day.

Here you go again, make me forget everything. You keep on smiling.

Nate is back in town to see me, which is so great. I was on the phone with him yesterday when there was a knock at my door. I ran to open it and low and behold, there he stood. I swear I jumped on him so quickly and wrapped him in a tight hug. I don't know how he stayed standing. We spent the afternoon laughing and catching up with each other. That kid is so fun, I don't know if I'd ever get sick of him.

Some say that time changes, best friends can become strangers. But I dont want that no not for you. If you just stay with me we can make it through

On another note, I am missing my best friend terribly. Hayden baby, I'm still trying to convince George Lucas to film in my backyard but it's not working. >:o

Hm. That's all. Be Well