| fuck you |
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| 01:53am 30/05/2004 |
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mood:  aggravated music: tv
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i fucking hate two faced people. if you dont like someone then dont pretend that you are their friends. its soo fucking stupid. dont led people on and make them believe something that isnt true. its really fucked up to do something like that.
people are soo fucking stupid. i mean, come on use your fucking common sense and then you wouldnt be soo damn stupid. its not that hard to do. |
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| 01:53am 30/05/2004 |
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| NOTE: z | | No smoking around b1773r5w337f34r. Thankyou for your co-operation. |
From Go-Quiz.com |
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| two-faced |
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| 12:30pm 07/05/2004 |
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mood:  confused
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katilin is one of my good friends but this whole week she has seemed two-faced to me. someone will tell me something she said and then i will talk to her about it and she will say that she didnt say that. and then today she is acting all sad cuz she thinks all this shit with me and ryan affects her when it really doesnt. i just dont understand how it could affect her at all. but anywayz. ryan hasnt talked to me since yesterday when i bitched him out. it felt so good to do that cuz i have always wanted to do that and i finally did. it was like a weight lifted off of my shoulders. but also i feel bad for doing it and i am considered apologizing to him about it cuz when i think about it i shouldnt have done that at all. but then he doesnt understand where i am coming from at all. he doesnt understand how much he means to me and how much i love him and want to be with him at all. if i could just get him to understand that then at least i know i did something worth while to him or something like that.
.........i dont know what to do......... |
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| have you ever?? |
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| 11:52am 06/05/2004 |
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mood:  crushed
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have u ever felt so alone when u really have a million people around u? have u ever feel ur heart sink to ur feet when u see that special someone? have u ever cried so much that u cant cry anymore if ur life depended on it??
i feel all of those things right now cuz that special someone has moved on with out me. this person means the world to me and i wish more than anything that i could be with him forever but i know that will never happen. i kinda knew from the beginning but i didnt use my head. i followed my heart and now look at where i am. i am all alone without the one i love and it sucks big monkey cock. big fat chubby cock. lol.
i dont know what i did to make him feel this way about me and how i could reverse it but it is done now and i cant go back. was it me or was it him?? was it my fuck up or his?? i dont know and i never will. only he will but i wont. but i guess these are the things i am gonna have to get use to. this is the price i pay for loving him like i did and not using my head but following my heart.
well they say people learn from their mistakes so i guess i am learning from my mistakes right now no matter how much it hurts to say that it was a mistake. but a lovely mistake that i wish i could do over and over again. |
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| boredom at school |
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| 12:16pm 30/04/2004 |
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mood:  blah music: i miss you- blink 182
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well im at school right now being bored. this week is senior week and since it is friday they get to have a water gun fight and my whole 4th period is seniors except for me and chelly so it is just me and her today which is pretty kool.
last night i broke up with jeff. it was just too much crap to handle and i didnt want to deal with it anymore and i was hurting him in the process so i stopped it so i couldnt hurt him anymore cuz i dont like doing that to people. but i talked to him later on and me and him are ok now so im happy about that.
monday my mom has duty so im gonna be home all alone which is REALLY good. one night free from my mom is great. i cant wait. it will be wonderful. muahahahahahaha. |
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| recent |
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| 11:49am 28/04/2004 |
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mood: confused music: stupid people talking
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lately things have been good and bad. things are good with jeff, my new bf and things are bad with me and ryan. it sucks soo bad cuz i just want to be his friend if nothing else and he said it is too weird since me and him dated for so long. i just dont understand it at all. he use to tell me no matter what happened that me and him would always be friends and now he is going back on his word like he always does. it sucks soo bad. i care about jeff and all but i still have very strong feelings for ryan and i wish i didnt but no matter what i do i cant get these feelings out of me so i can be true to jeff. |
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| stupid people |
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| 01:28pm 19/03/2004 |
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mood:  angry music: SCHOOL
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this school sucks soo bad. i make one comment to a damn senior and now everyone knows about it and they all ask me if i really said it. its soo stupid. i told the truth to someone that was doing their senior project and now like 2 or 3 days later EVERYONE knows about it. its soo stupid. at least i had enough balls to say it to their face instead of saying it behind their back. and i just heard that some teacher is trying to get me ISS or something like. I HATE THIS SCHOOL. |
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| so long from before |
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| 08:07am 16/03/2004 |
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mood:  bouncy music: teacher talking
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well things have really been sucking. i got kicked out of my house cuz my mom is a psycho and then she was gonna send me to boot camp but that never happened. and then ryan isnt talking to me anymore cuz he is just a jerk. so yeah. well i got a new bf named justin. he is really funny and i like him alot. he is soo kool. and hott and yeah. well my mom is out of town this week. PARTY!! J/K!! but yeah its great so far. she doesnt get back till thursday. :) |
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| and once again he breaks it.... |
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| 10:28am 13/02/2004 |
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mood: crushed music: tv
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well last week on thursday me and ryan got back together. and things seemed fine but yesterday after school, when i got home, my bro asked me if me and ryan broke up. i said no and asked him where did he hear that? he said that kelleye and rina told him. so i called kelleye and she told me that ryan said to tell me that he didnt want to go out with me anymore. WTF?!?! well before kelleye told me that i was still at school and i was smoking and then i was coming back up to the school and i saw ryan and things seemed perfectly fine btw me and him and everything and he said if im downtown on saturday that he might see me down there cuz he might go downtown. and everything seemed so fine btw us and now they are fucked up once again. i just dont understand it at all. how could he push me away like he does when he knows how i feel about him? why would he push me away when he knows he has a good thing right in front of him? i treat him so good yet he treats me like shit. i have always tried to give him everything that he has wanted. i have never really upset him except for two times which one was his fault and one was mine cuz i was fucked up. i have always tried to be good to him and i have been good to him. why cant be just be happy with me and stop breaking my heart over and over again like he always does? |
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| smoke an ounce to this |
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| 06:43am 04/02/2004 |
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mood: confused music: "you can do it (put ur ass into)" - ice cube
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well yesterday was ok considering ryan is no longer talking to me at all but it is just another thing i will have to get use to and i will try my hardest to. well in two weeks my mom is leaving to go to new orleans for mardi gras. i cant wait till she leaves cuz then i go party with my friend billy. he is kool as shit. his personality is awesome. his sense of humor is fucking great. i love it. he is one of the funniest people ever. we talked on the phone almost all yesterday when i got home. i think im starting to like him too. he isnt the cutest person but he is good looking to me and that is all that counts. i seem to be attracted to guys that have good sense of humors and have a good personality. but if that is true then i dont know what attracted me to ryan... lol. j/k. he was like that at first but then he changed like all people do just when you are really really liking them. those bastards. lol. |
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| heaven is a lie |
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| 03:42pm 03/02/2004 |
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mood: cranky music: "my last serenade" -killswitch engage
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well me and ryan broke up once again. it was all amanda fault too which really pisses me off cuz she knew how happy i was for once and then she fucking ruins it. ASSHOLE!! amanda is my x gf and well she still likes me and shit so she asked ryan about if she could date me while he was dating me. she KNOWS that he wont like that and wont let that happen and that he will break up with me if he thinks i want to date her or any other gurl. well i didnt want to date her again. i dont like her anymore like that. well i told him that and he said "i think we need time apart right now try new things" i got soo fucking upset when he said that. so i walked back up to the school and went after amanda. i went up to her and pushed her into the table and then started yelling at her and right when i was about to punch the shit out of her ryan comes over and grabs me and spins me around so i cant punch. we talk and he says " nothing is different btw us." and shit like that. well i believe him and thursday and friday nothing is different just that me and him arent together anymore. well yesterday things were different. he wouldnt talk to me at all. i dont know why either. he wouldnt even look at me. so after 5th period i ask him if he is mad at me and he says "go away" so i ask him again if he is mad at me and he says no and for me to go away. so i get pissed and ask him what the fuck i did this time? he said nothing and some other shit that i couldnt understand cuz he was umbling and he was bent down in his locker. all he said to me was for me to go away and that he isnt mad at me and shit like that and he said he doesnt want to put up with my shit. WHAT FUCKING SHIT?!?!? GOD!!!! well then i get on the bus and both rina and kelleye tell me some shit that he said to them. well in the 4th period he tells rina " i need a gf" so rina is like "what about elizabeth?" he said no and shakes his head. WTF!!!!! then 6th period he tells kelleye "i finally told elizabeth to leave me the fuck alone" man wtf happened over the weekend to make him get all fucking pissed off at me?? i didnt do anything to him at all. its soo fucked up right now. in the past two weeks i have lost soo many fucking people.
1. ryan
2. amanda << glad about that
3. paige << REALLY glad about that cuz she is a fucking bitch that acts like a fucking whore
and the list continues. and it fucking sucks ass. maybe i should be the person i use to be. a person that didnt give a shit about anyone or anything. just worried about myself and that is all. saying fuck u to anyone that even tried to talk to me. i dont want to be that person i use to be but im seriously thinking about cuz when i was like that i didnt get hurt soo much shit i didnt get hurt at all. but i wasnt |
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| heaven is a lie |
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| 03:42pm 03/02/2004 |
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mood: cranky music: "my last serenade" -killswitch engage
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well me and ryan broke up once again. it was all amanda fault too which really pisses me off cuz she knew how happy i was for once and then she fucking ruins it. ASSHOLE!! amanda is my x gf and well she still likes me and shit so she asked ryan about if she could date me while he was dating me. she KNOWS that he wont like that and wont let that happen and that he will break up with me if he thinks i want to date her or any other gurl. well i didnt want to date her again. i dont like her anymore like that. well i told him that and he said "i think we need time apart right now try new things" i got soo fucking upset when he said that. so i walked back up to the school and went after amanda. i went up to her and pushed her into the table and then started yelling at her and right when i was about to punch the shit out of her ryan comes over and grabs me and spins me around so i cant punch. we talk and he says " nothing is different btw us." and shit like that. well i believe him and thursday and friday nothing is different just that me and him arent together anymore. well yesterday things were different. he wouldnt talk to me at all. i dont know why either. he wouldnt even look at me. so after 5th period i ask him if he is mad at me and he says "go away" so i ask him again if he is mad at me and he says no and for me to go away. so i get pissed and ask him what the fuck i did this time? he said nothing and some other shit that i couldnt understand cuz he was umbling and he was bent down in his locker. all he said to me was for me to go away and that he isnt mad at me and shit like that and he said he doesnt want to put up with my shit. WHAT FUCKING SHIT?!?!? GOD!!!! well then i get on the bus and both rina and kelleye tell me some shit that he said to them. well in the 4th period he tells rina " i need a gf" so rina is like "what about elizabeth?" he said no and shakes his head. WTF!!!!! then 6th period he tells kelleye "i finally told elizabeth to leave me the fuck alone" man wtf happened over the weekend to make him get all fucking pissed off at me?? i didnt do anything to him at all. its soo fucked up right now. in the past two weeks i have lost soo many fucking people.
1. ryan
2. amanda << glad about that
3. paige << REALLY glad about that cuz she is a fucking bitch that acts like a fucking whore
and the list continues. and it fucking sucks ass. maybe i should be the person i use to be. a person that didnt give a shit about anyone or anything. just worried about myself and that is all. saying fuck u to anyone that even tried to talk to me. i dont want to be that person i use to be but im happy either |
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| Fading Away |
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| 08:05am 03/02/2004 |
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mood: pissed off music: mr. g string talking
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Hiding behind the bruises
Covering my wounds
Making it seem like I was never touched by you
But the make up fades away
And the marks are exposed |
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| holding your hand |
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| 06:42am 22/01/2004 |
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mood:  cold music: "my neck my back"- khia
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school has been going good. nothing bad has happened and my grades are good. but there is this one gurl, mandi, who is the biggest poser i have ever seen. well anywayz. she is soo fucking stupid. she is telling everyone she is gothic and then wears a damn eminem shirt. now im not dissing eminem cuz i actually like him but u dont go telling people that ur gothic and then wear a damn eminem shirt. i bet she is another mainstream little fucker. then she took my damn name, LITA!! that is my name and everyone at my school knows it and then she has it on her damn bookbag. wtf man!?!?!?! that is fucked up. i hate it. lita is kinda of a latina name and she is fucking white. damn cracker!! AHHHH!!! everyone wants me to kick her ass but she hasnt said anything about me well at least that i know of so unless she says something about me im not gonna kick her ass.
well ryan was suppose to come over yesterday but he never showed up! grrrr. oh wellz. its ok. ill get over it. |
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| walking away from your love |
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| 06:40pm 20/01/2004 |
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mood: confused music: even stevens
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today wasnt that bad. im kinda upset about some shit with my friend mathan in texas but yeah....anywayz.
sometimes i just dont understand how you can love someone so much that it hurts??
how can you love someone so much that you would die for them?
how can you love someone so much that you would drop everything in a minute for them??
im just trying to understand this but i cant come up with anything right now and it sux ass. i hate it.
how can i love someone so much that treats me like shit or makes me feel like shit??
its just soo fucking confusing. |
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| sliding across the floor |
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| 04:07pm 19/01/2004 |
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mood:  good music: "the no seatbelt song"- brand new
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last night well i should say this morning was fun. i went to drop off my bro and his friend at the bowling alley for a lock in from 12 to 6 am and when i got there ashley was there. i was OMG im staying. i asked my mom and she let me. it was soo fun. it was me, ashley, andy, tiana, earl, and david. it was funny. six hours of bowling. i usually hate bowling but it was fun this time. i liked it. probably cuz i had friends there with me and i wasnt bored the whole time but i was tired as fuck. then i came home and went to bed at like 6:30 and then i kept waking up during the damn night. i finally woke up for the last time at 12 and then i started some laundry and watched tv till my mom came home from the store. after that i made burgers for everyone. they were good. now im sitting here writing cuz my mom is at the gym now and yeah... last night was great. i would of called winn to see if he wanted to come but it was too late to call but next time there is another lock in me and him and everyone is gonna go. it is gonna be great fun. :) |
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| burning away the cold from your heart |
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| 09:56am 17/01/2004 |
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mood:  dorky music: harry potter
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last night sucked big balls. i went out to eat with my mom and brother. we went to souper salad. it was good till my mom started talking about me going to college and shit like that. i told her that i dont want to go to school for a couple months after i graduate. she got all pissed off at me and shit but oh wellz. well then after that i was suppose to go over to winns to hang out but my mom said no cuz she was still pissed at me. i went to bed at around 10. i slept like a baby. when i woke up i had a feeling that ryan was next to me but when i turned over he wasnt there. it was strange. but oh wellz.
being with you eats a.w.a.y MY [heart] |
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| u said u hate hurting me but i still break inside |
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| 03:49pm 16/01/2004 |
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mood:  weird music: the tv
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today was ok. yesterday was funny as hell cuz there were so many damn fights. ryan was in two but only one of them happened. the second fight he got into he got his back all scratched up. but he is ok. things seemed alittle better with me and him. the past few days he has been a complete asshole to me but today was alittle better. i dont want to lose him anymore cuz he means soo much to me. sure me and him would still be friends and shit but i cant do that with him cuz it hurts when i see him and we arent together. it breaks my heart all over again. damn this love shit. just fuck it all but i still love ryan so yeah.
i talked to brice today and he was like "you should of called me yesterday and i would of brought over ur cigs cuz i was in augusta last night" i was like WTF why didnt u just come by and throw them over my fence like i told u. AHHHH that bastard. grrrr. oh wellz. |
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| wondering where to go from here |
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| 06:34am 14/01/2004 |
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mood: blah music: the dog scratching at the door
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yesterday was ok. i saw ryan all day of course, did my work at school, which is quite shocking for me. came home and was a lazy ass the rest of the day. i was going crazy cuz i need a cig and i didnt have any. so i called brice and asked him to buy me some and he said he would but he doesnt know when he can get them to me so i went ape shit. then i called tiana and talked to her for alittle bit. i got off the phone with her cuz i had to pee. then my mom came home and made dinner and after that i went upstairs and got drunk. when i woke up i found a letter on the floor to ryan. i read it and it was crazy but it was funny so yeah. |
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| Nothing |
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| 06:10pm 12/01/2004 |
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We both made promises
We both broke them
But to me they meant nothing
To me you meant nothing
I twisted you in my web
You were my prey
I caught you
And sucked you dry
I felt no remorse
Looking at your lifeless corpse
Seeing my work
Admiring it
Feeling the joy swell up inside of me
I have done what I set out to do
I killed you
You were nothing to me
And will always be nothing
Nothing is your future |
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