Kehlee's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
Kehlee

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What to do... [17 Jun 2004|06:01pm]
I think I need to get out of town for a bit. Maybe for a month I'll go to Florida. I can make some money down there, and after I get back to town, I can go back to school. I am going by the school tomorrow to discuss my options for the upcoming fall semester. I don't know what I can do or what I want to do for that matter. Maybe a councelor will help me figure this out. I feel like I need to go away for the time before school. I need to be on my own for a bit. I need to stop depending on my mom so much. The only thing is that she has no ride back and forth to work. Her car is fucked up and it will cost more money than we have to fix it. I know it's all my decision and I have to do for myself, but I feel like it may not be the best time for her if I leave. Should I let that affect my decision to leave? I need to leave for me. I need to go so I want have my mommy and daddy to run to for help. Just kick my own ass out of town for a while and see what happens. I'll drive my car there, but I don't know where I'm going to stay. I need to discuss this with the other party involved. If I stay here much longer without experiencing the world on my ownwith out someone there who is responsible for me, I'll just get worse. My mind can't handle this atmosphere and situation much longer or I'll need some kind of medication. I've lived away from home before but I could always get money from my dad when I needed it. I could get food and what ever else I needed to survive. My parents were still taking care of me. I did have a job for a bit, but got fired because I was sick the one day I was on the scheduel. I have a feeling in my stomach that tells me I need to go away for a while. I'm uncertain of myself though. I'm never really sure if I should trust that instinct or not no matter how strong it is. I should just go with it for once. See what happens. I hope it turns out well.
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The days are crap: [15 Jun 2004|10:16am]
I swear I'm going to lose my sanity soon. I feel like I'm all alone. I can't sort out what is in my head on my own and I have no one to help me. I put myself in this situation though. It's all my own fault. I fucked it all up and I don't know how to fix it. Hell, I don't know how to get the other part started. I feel like I'm so pathetic. I don't have a job. I'm not in school. All I do is nothing. I help out my friends when they need it. That's about it. Where the fuck is my ambition? Where is my drive to better my life and get the fuck out of this shithole? I do I sit around and worry about what he means by giving me a pack of cigarrettes? Why does it have to mean anything? Maybe he's just trying to make me not kick him out of my bed. I don't know. I put myself here or allowed myself to fall here. I want to say I'm depressed now, but if I do, I'll want to kick myself in the fucking head. Don't be depressed. How am I supposed to go about getting my life the way I want it when everything I try to do just fucks up. Everything I do turns out wrong.
Enough bitching, one thing that I did do (one thing- woohoo! what the fuck ever) is take it upon myself to make an appointment with the eye doctor and tell my dad. Usually, I just tell him and he tells me "make an appointment." I figured maybe he'd think a little higher of me if I just tell him that I made an appointment. I say it like it's a huge deal though. I just made an appointment with the eye doctor. I guess it's a small step, but I at least did make the step instead up freaking out and running to daddy to let him do it. If I wanted to be a hypocrite, I'd blame it on the fact that he never made me get a job. He never force me to go in to the world on my own. How am I supposed to deal with a world that steps all over emotional people. I have no hope then. There is only so long that you can place the blame on your parents. Once you become aware of the situation, it's all on you. I know I need to kick myself in the ass and just go, but it's so hard. I don't know how to get a job with out having an anxiety attack that causes me to call in sick which leads to me getting fired. I had a job for two months. I guess that was a start. I got fired almost a year ago though. Where is my job now? How come I didn't go get one?
I think my problem is that I'm so afraid that I will fail, I'd rather just not try. How do I go about fixing this problem? I have no fucking clue. If I can't go about living a life on my own in this shitty ass town, how am I supposed to survive outside of it? I feel so worthless...
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quizzes... [19 Jan 2004|01:18am]
Trainspotting: such a good movie...


Which Trainspotting Character Are You?


I love Saved by the Bell...



Which "Saved By The Bell" Character Are You?



Cool...


Which Diesel Sweeties Character Are You?


You can't see me!!...


What Pattern Are You?


Wooo...


Take The Ewan McGregor Test!
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I had to take it again.... [19 Jan 2004|01:14am]
I have two distinct musical personalities...




Which 1990's Subculture Do You Belong To?


[Another Quiz by Kris
@ couplandesque.net]
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another quiz... [11 Jan 2004|10:26pm]



Which 1990's Subculture Do You Belong To?


[Another Quiz by Kris
@ couplandesque.net]
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Mmmm, Johnny... [11 Jan 2004|10:17pm]

You are Don Juan From "Don Juan De Marco."

Woobaby! You are Don Juan - dark and handsome, and the world's greatest lover. Some people find you to be a bit insane (or is that insanely sexy?). While you may not be playing with all 52 cards, don't let that get you down - you're a true romantic at heart.
Take The Johnny Depp Quiz!
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Blah blah blah... [30 Nov 2003|06:52pm]
I have absolutely no life these days. I need to get out. At least there is a Hot Topic in Jackson. I need to go. I need a job first though!!! My car died... again! It's like a cycle. I need money to fix my car so I can go get a job but I don't have money because I don't have a working car. AGGHHHH!!!

The day after Thanksgiving I went to my friend Tabitha's house to a sleep-over-and-watch-movies type deal. Haven't been to a sleep over in a while. I got to see everyone. Andrea, Anna, Brittany, Crystal (who I didn't really talk to because I don't think she likes me all that much anymore but oh well...), and Punky came. We watched some movies.

Woo...
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blah blah blah... [15 Nov 2003|11:41pm]
Damn it all to hell...

I woke up at like 3 in the afternoon today. I can't even remember the last time I slept past twelve. Well, it's been a bit of a rough day. I say that like I've been awake the whole time. It's only 11:44. I argued with Lee a number of times today. It's alright for now though. I love him.

I want a Newport!!!!!!
I don't have any money!! If I only had three dollars, I wouldn't buy Newports. No matter how much I want them, I won't because my cat needs food!!! No one understands how much that cat means to me. Well, my mom does. He is my baby. He loves me. I love him.

Geez, my life is boring...
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Weekend on the coast... [11 Nov 2003|12:03am]
Okey so it was just Friday night but I went and saw Linze. We hugged for like 20 minute when I got over there. Josh's band was playing a show at Kirk's Bizzare. I only stayed for one song and then left Lee and JP at the club to go get Linze. It was great. When Linze and I got to the club, the band was finished and everyone was outside. We just hung out in the parking area until we left and went to the after party. That was cool. We just stood in a back yard and got drunk. Linze, JP, Lee and I went back to Linze's while everyone else got a room at a hotel somewhere. Kevin and Mandy were there too. We woke up and went to Waffle House and then to the beach for a bit. We went back to Linze's and hung out until 3:00 and drove back. Lee and I dropped JP off and then came to my house and had and increadibly WONDERFUL night together. It was all romantic in a non-movie kind of way. All I can say is that it was one of the best nights of my life. He's so sweet. I love him. Mmmmm. It makes me all giddy inside.

Right now I'm waiting on Ron to add me to his fucking MSN buddy list and he still hasn't yet. I guess it's just his slow service. He has web tv and all that good stuff.

Well, I'm going to get tired and go to bed soon if I have to wait much longer....

tootles, off to bed.
*smoochies*
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New Dumbledore... [02 Nov 2003|12:56pm]
I just got on IMDb.com and found out who's playing Dumbledore in the next Harry Potter movie. It's some dude named Michael Gambon. I don't know who he is but I hope he does as well as Richard Harris. I'm almost finished with the fifth book. I read so increadibly slow. It's just sad.

I had an awesome night with Lee last night. I hate the Xbox and more than that the game Morrowind. He told me he wanted me to play the game with him. Well, I played and he just told me where to go and stuff. I haven't had that great of a time with him ever I don't think. I mean, I was actually a major part of interest!! Anycrap: We watched Big Trouble in Little China after that. I fell asleep after it and he watched a movie that came on right after it. I love him!!!
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I really am awesome!!!!! [02 Nov 2003|12:32pm]
I finally have a phone again!! I haven't gotten on line and typed on my journal from my own house in so long! The thing that sucks is that there is no one on line for me to talk to. That and the fact that my brother's alarm is going off and he's not here to turn it off. Since his door is locked I can't turn it off. I guess I have to wait like 3 or 5 hours for it to go off. I need to get someone to change my plugs and my starter on my car. I have to ask Lee. Well, I have to be able to get to my car first I guess. Anycrap: I've gotta run...
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Been some time... [14 Oct 2003|11:39pm]
Well, it's been a while since I've been back on here. I doubt though that anyone has even come across my journal. Since I've last written, I've gotten back together with my boyfriend, Lee. Sometimes I wonder about it though. I guess everyone does at my age. In my situation, I have to wonder if I'm being played. He broke up with me before, and the reason was that he didn't want a girlfriend and he wasn't in love with me. He had been not telling me for a while according to him. He didn't want to hurt me. Recently he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend. The obvious reason to that was yes simply because he'd been staying with me for what seems like a month and sleeping in the same bed. We were "lovey-dovey" quite often. I mean, we pretty much were a couple, but it set my mind at ease when he asked me. I had no question if he really wanted to be my boyfriend. He'd called me his "old lady," but he never actually made it a point to tell me that he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I didn't know if he meant it when he called me that or "baby". I thought maybe it's just old habits. I wasn't sure if they were true words or not. I, myself, remained silent out of fear that I would "run him off". I feel that was another reason he broke up with me in the first place. I was too attatched to him. I didn't want to call him my boyfriend because I thought he would see that as me trying to latch on to him again. Things are going rather well I suppose.

On another note, my fellow blurty writer Erin has somehow disappeared from my life. I've called her a few times only to get her voice mail. I leave messages to call me at the b.a. since I don't have a phone and if I'm not here, leave a message so I can call her back. I miss her. I haven't even talked to her since she and Ricky split. From what I hear, she got a call from Daniel, her ex, and went back to him. That's all word of mouth from others. I also got an account from Ricky, but he's not my Erin. I want my Erin. All my friends have disappeared or gone away. Erin if you read this, write back... PLEASE!!!

I saw my friend Andrea driving the other day. I was on the interstate going one way, and she was on the frontage road going the other so I couldn't really call her name and get her attention. I would have if I could. If I still had my phone, I doubt I would have lost touch with anyone. It's terrible. I miss Andrea. I miss Anna who went off to Hinds. I miss Punky who's living with her mom from what I hear. I miss Sabrina who moved back to Tupelo a year ago. I miss Linze who moved back to the coast about two months ago. And now I can't find Erin! I have no girlfriends left. I still have my mom. Anycrap: speaking of mom, I must go assist in the cleaning....

*smoochies*
Kehlee
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Once again... [04 Sep 2003|11:12pm]
I'm back again with nothing much to say. I've just been sitting around. I'm going to try to get a job tomorrow but it's in Edwards so I don't know how that's going to work. I don't really have a car that would make it. My dad is going to work on my car this weekend so that will hopefully help out. I have to make sure I wake up before 10 so I can be up and dressed to go before 11. Erin and I are going. Blah blah blah...


got to go clean the bowling alley now...

*smoochies*
Kehlee
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Spiritual revival... [21 Aug 2003|10:23am]
I'm becoming interested in different spiritual beliefs or religions (whatever you want to call it).

If anyone comes across this and knows anything about Taoism, I would appreciate your information. I'm doing my own research on this and other related religions(pretty much anything that is catagorized under Paganism). You know, Confucian, Egyptian, Buddhist, Wiccan, Olympian, etc...
Any information would help even if it's just a little...
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Blah blah blah [21 Aug 2003|08:49am]
What am I supposed to write today? I don't remember. I have this feeling like something big is coming and I'm supposed to be just sitting around waiting for it to happen. I don't even know what it's supposed to be. I need a job but something inside feels like I will find it when this "thing" happens or whatever. It's messing with my head. I feel like slamming my head on a countertop. Blah blah and more blah.

I feel like I have no companion. You know someone who puts you first on their list and you put them first on yours. I guess I mean like a best friend or something. I mean, right now, I feel like I'm just floating around. I've got friends yeah, but not the companionship I desire. I mean, I pretty much put my mom first. She's the one I go to. She's the one I count on. I don't feel like she feels the same about me though. I don't feel like anyone really needs me. I mean, they may want me around and that's cool. I don't want to get on anyone's nerves but I want to feel like... I don't even know. It's like I'm wishing for something that won't come to me. It's not like I'm wishing for popularity or to be worshipped. I'm not even wishing for true love. I don't need true love. I have plenty of love. It doesn't matter what kind of love it is. I'm just happy that I have love in my life. Anycrap: I'm probably just bitching about something I can't do anything about or something like that.

Right now I'm just going to find me something to do until what ever is going to happen happens...
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I've been away for so long... [19 Aug 2003|07:31pm]
I haven't been on lately because I don't have a phone at my house anymore. Right now I'm using the computer at the bowling alley. I'm also out of practice. I need to become familiar with all this stuff again. AAGGHH!!! I don't remember all my "friends" from on here so if any of you happen to come across this, let me know. That would be lovely....

Anycrap: blah blah blah and all that good stuff. I'm going to look for friends now...

*smoochies*
Kelly
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Got a new one! [19 Aug 2003|06:32pm]
I'm back... for a little bit at least. much love to my friends. be back later...


*smoochies*
Kelly
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