12:55am 03/09/2004
  I'm walking away from this journal. You can either mourn this journal's death, or rejoice in my new one... or you could just... not care.
In 2 Days...   
12:01am 29/08/2004
  I can't believe I start classes at Ferris on Monday. I was really, really excited about it until tonight. I was excited about learning things, meeting new people, & doing new things. Then Squishy and I went to the football game at Ferris. I realized I had surrounded myself with an entire campus full of people that I want nothing to do with. I don't want to be around their parties. I don't want to be around their language. And I don't want to be around their nasty habits. I also realized that there's an entirely new army of males that I have to decode. I don't know who the players are. I don't know who the good guys are. I just don't know. Everything's new... and I was excited about that... now I'm just scared.

After thinking about this for awhile... I thought about how I could be the best person I could be... and maybe have a positive influence on atleast one person. I just have to stand tall, and walk bravely. Seriously... this is some scary territory.
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I wish the rain would come.   
02:56pm 17/08/2004
mood: determined
music: GOB
For some reason... I've been feeling extremely powerful these past couple of days since I've been home. Not the kind of powerful that makes one rule over another. But the kind of powerful that makes me feel I can do ANYTHING. Confidence, maybe? It's more than confidence, though. I don't know how to explain it.

Atleast I know what I mean... :)

I'm super excited about tomorrow! I'm going to Michigan's Adventure with my family. I LOVE family :). We're going to have so much fun! I'm excited about Sunday night too. A bonfire with a TON of my friends... YAY!
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Beautiful Day   
12:21am 15/08/2004
  I'm having a FABULOUS day. I cleaned my room SUPER well and started throwing things away that I didn't need anymore... for some reason that all made me feel really good. So for the past 4 or 5 hours I've been enjoying my clean room, snuggled to my quilt, sipping tea, and reading a Harlequin Historical. Ahhh, so relaxing :).

:) I feel beautiful, inside and out. It's a great feeling.
I'm getting old...   
02:37am 14/07/2004
  I've been feeling very old lately. It's probably because kids at camp didn't know who Will Smith is, Full House is on Nick@Nite now, and I've been getting home really early from partying out. Yup... I feel old. How silly is that?

Curly and I went to a party with Squishy at Mother Duck's house. I didn't know quite a few people there, but I still had a pretty good time. The scavenger hunt was fun. Our team snuck into Mother Duck's house... hehehe, it was funny.

I did get to see Converse, Emo Boy, and Skalicious tonight. That was exciting :). I think Converse thinks I hate him though.... I wish I could have spent more time with Emo Boy. I miss him. I only have two weeks to spend with my friends before all the school stuff starts up again. Where does the time go?
mmm, I want to linger, mmm, a little longer...   
11:48pm 11/07/2004
  I had an amazing summer. I got paid around $1,140 to go canoeing, hiking, swimming, tubing, eat, sleep, laugh, cry... I loved it. There were a few bad moments. Like when I broke down because campcraft was a huge pain in my arse, or when I got in a crud load of trouble because of a PB&J sandwich.... yeah... that wasn't cool. Otherwise, my summer was incredible.

I found myself holding in my emotions A LOT at camp. I went for over a month, no joke... over a month without crying. How can one be emo without crying? It was horrible! There were tons of times I wanted or needed to cry... and I just couldn't! Finally, I just found myself locked in a stall in the staff bathroom, hushing my sobs while my fellow counselors ran around in the bath house.

I have so many funny stories I want to share. I'm tired though...

Stories can wait. I just wanted to let the world know I'm alive :).
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the campers go marching one by one...   
12:29am 17/06/2004
  This is probably going to be my last post for a long time. I leave for camp in... 13 hours. It doesn't feel like it's really happening yet. I dunno... it's weird.

My beloved Fozzy joined his momma in heaven today. I'm glad I said goodbye to him this afternoon. I knew it was going to happen when Squishy and I left for town. It hasn't really hit me yet. I think I'm in denial. The freshly scattered dirt in the woods should have hit me... but it didn't.

I'm sort of sad about leaving for camp tomorrow. I won't get to talk to my friends and I'm leaving when things are a little shaky between my dad and I. I didn't even get to say good bye... he went to his room and fell asleep. Sometimes I feel like he hates me. I know that isn't true though.

I'm nervous about camp too. I don't know if I'll do a good job. I don't know if I'll know what I'm doing... haha. I didn't know I had to have my health form signed by a doctor until today... so I'm in a little trouble. And... I really hope they have separate shower stalls. I'm NOT shower naked with others girls. That's just not going to happen. Curly and I will smell for all we care, haha.

Well... I guess this is it for awhile. Adios... *sob*
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Hope Floats   
11:28pm 14/06/2004
  The past two nights, I've cried my self asleep. Last night I was so upset, my throat hurt from sobbing so hard.

But today... I am full of hope. I don't know what's going to happen to Fozzy... but I have hope :).

Tomorrow I'm going tubing. YAY! How relaxing and fun that is going to be! I think it's going to be Curly, Giggles, Emo Boy, Squishy, and I. I was hoping Converse would be able to go so I could see him one more time before I left for camp... but that wont be happening :(.

I've been so upset these past couple of days I didn't even write about the marathon we had on Friday. I had a great time :). It was Curly, Converse, Skalicious, and I. Curly and Skalicious fell asleep... twice, haha. I dozed off only once... and I was taking up half the couch... oops? Haha. Converse, that stallion, didn't fall asleep at all. Hanging out with the boys is a lot of fun. They're super funny, and Curly and I enjoy them tons. Haha... we "enjoy" them.

I liked spending time with Converse. Not that I don't like spending time with Curly and Skalicious... I just like spending time with them for different reasons.

Oh my goodness! We had awesome food on friday! First Converse's mom had some mexican food out... yum! Then we went to Sparta for Little Caesars and ice cream at Tasty Treat! MMM MM MMM!
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Had a bad day again...   
02:02am 14/06/2004
  Today was a sad day. I missed church because Fozzy came out from underneath the porch. I laid with him in the grass for four hours. It hurts so much to be next to him… and it hurts even more to be away from him and thinking about him.

Yesterday I thought that Fozzy just wasn’t himself anymore. I had thought there was a chance of brain damage. But today… he climbed onto my lap. That broke me. The flood gates opened and I cried my heart out.

Lord, this is killing me. I need guidance in this. I don’t know what to do. And I’m so angry… so very angry. Not towards God or my dad, though. I have this huge ball of rage in my chest. I don’t know how it got there or how I’m going to get rid of it.

This is like a nightmare… a horrible nightmare. Or a horror movie. I feel so selfish sitting in here while he’s outside … maybe suffering.

I hate not knowing what I’m supposed to do. And I hate that I can’t take him to the vet. And sometimes… I hate how much this hurts. Why am I so sensitive and emotional? I know it’s a blessing that I am able to feel this much… but sometimes, it feels like more than I’m supposed to handle. But I know God wouldn’t give me anything I couldn’t handle.

Tonight I was getting really bad. I was laying on the couch, looking at the ceiling, and I was so depressed. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t do anything. Some people might think I’m absolutely nuts to get this upset over an animal… and I wouldn’t know what to tell them.

Talking to Curly and Converse really helped me to take my mind off of him. And I’m grateful. Curly and I even joked about how we could put a patch over his left eye and call him “one-eyed Fozzy”.
real emo sob   
10:42pm 12/06/2004
  I'm very distraught at the moment. I hate sitting here knowing that Fozzy is out there suffering right now. And the next time I see him.... I have to shoot him.

Earlier I was laying on my stomach with my hands reaching towards him under the porch... calling him. While I was calling him, I couldn't stop crying.... because I knew if he came to me... he was going to be shot.

It's tearing me apart to think about him. His skull is fractured and his left eye is filled with blood. There is so much guilt lying on my heart. I promised Phoebe when she was dying that I would take care of her babies.

Part of me is so angry... my fists couldn't be clenched tighter. I hate this situation. I hate that he's suffering.

My dad feels so, so bad about it. When he first started the jeep and realized what was happening, he was just praying that it was Booger or PJ. Not that he doesn't like our other cats... he just knows how much Booger means to me, and PJ to Squishy. It took him 45 minutes to get Fozzy untangled from the jeep engine. I wasn't home... but I guess my dad was crying a lot this morning. I'm really upset about Fozzy, but I in no way blame my dad for anything. I pray that he could feel better about this.

Everyonce in awhile I'll stop whatever I'm doing, whether I was in a cheerful conversation or eating.... and I'll just sit there.... because I'll remember where is he is...
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08:54pm 10/06/2004
mood: tired
music: Phantom Planet- California
Why oh why does the computer hate me so? Sure, I’ll admit I’m just using it, but we agreed to these terms when our relationship began. And now… the computer is trying to dump me. No one dumps me. Haha.

I crawled into bed this morning at the exact moment my mom’s alarm went off. It was bittersweet. Definitely not something I should do every night… morning… whatever. I was enjoying myself way too much talking to Curly and Converse.

I’m really tired. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the marathon tomorrow. Curly will have to poke me with a stick every ten minutes or so. I think I’m going to bring my throw. I need something to snuggle with and I think Curly’s out of the question. I think she might be getting worried about my sexuality. Haha. Nah, she knows I’m straight… straight as a curly fry, BAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA. Oh crap. Yeah, I downed some sour pops a little while ago. This is wonderful.

Last night I couldn’t get enough of the tasty pops, so I melted 15 of them into a glass and sucked it down. Wow, that was great, haha. Half an hour later I was laughing for no apparent reason. I was laughing so hard I was crying. Then, I went outside and I was basically howling. Squishy was scared. In fact, I think my cats were scared. Haha. Good times.

Yesterday I went bathing suit shopping. Squishy and Curly both agree suit shopping sucks. Whoever invented the swimming suit should be shot.
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think, think, think...   
01:49pm 08/06/2004
  There are times in everyone's life, I'm sure, where a good thing seems to be developing... but the whole time they're hesitant to give in to the good thing.

I don't know what scares me so much about a ... and I stutter even trying to say it... a "relationship". I love the relationships I have with my friends... but going beyond that... creating a relationship with the opposite sex that is more than just friends terrifies me. Is it the chance of getting hurt that scares me? Yeah. The chance of getting played, cheated on, mistreated? Yeah.

Here's where the story begins:

I met this guy who isn't like any guy I have ever met before. He's funny. Intelligent. Super nice. Respectful. Can carry a good conversation. Is tall (++plus++). And has the face of a model.

And... I have feelings for him. When he walked into the classroom, I had to remind myself to breathe again. When I'm next to him, I have a hard time looking into his eyes. Before I go to bed... I grab my yearbook, turn to his page, and ask myself "what are you going to do?".

I feel like a jerk if I take my time with this. I feel... selfish. I don't want to lead him on and then take my sweet time. There's so much doubt, though. He was interested in me before he even knew me. How do I know he'll feel the same way after he does know me? How do I know that after I express my interest too, he's not going to walk away like a player. How do I know? And I guess... I won't know.

I'm putting all of this pressure on myself, as if I had to decide NOW. But I don't have to decide now. I can stop worrying and just let life happen. If it happens, it happens. If it doens't, it doesn't.

Whatever happens, I have to be true to myself.
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"Last night, she said..."   
12:49pm 06/06/2004
mood: blah
music: All American Rejects- Swing, Swing
Last night Squishy and I had some friends over. Most of the time I was bummed... for a lack of better words. I loved the company I was in, but I felt like the runt of the litter trying to squeeze in for milk... and I couldn't get in. It seemed like there were always 3 or 4 different conversations going on at the same time. And for some reason... that bothered me. I wanted us all to converse with eachother as a group... instead of breaking off and excluding others. It was like I didn't know what conversation to join, not that I could join any conversation because most of them contained inside jokes. So... I didn't mean to be anti-social... I just sort of shrugged my shoulders and gave up. Haha.

I'm really glad everyone else enjoyed themselves. There was a lot of laughter :). However... I think we all have west nile...

Looking back, I did have a good time. I snuggled with Curly's legs; the fire tickled my nose :); my salsa didn't kill anyone; my ultimate frisbee team made one awesome point; Converse and I ruled the volleyball court; Emo Boy and Fat Man were there and they DIDN'T get together with Converse to tell horrible stories about me (phew); people are still unsure of my sexuality (muahahahaha); and... as strange as it may sound... I was able to look into Converse's eyes.

Even if I still feel strangely sad, I did have a good night :).
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I feel pretty, oh so pretty...   
11:45pm 04/06/2004
  I had such a good time shopping today! Haha, I was singing in the dressing room :). It was awesome. I felt beautiful...

I found some kickin' shirts! One says "nothin wrong with a little junk in the trunk" ... and it has an elephant on it :). That was a weird find because I was making comments about my trunk a few days ago, haha.

Another shirt says "I love nerds".... and it's so true :).

Tomorrow is going to be so much fun! Even if it is only Converse, Curly, Skalicious, Squishy, and I. I'm super excited about my dad letting me go. He said my friends could stay as late as they want to tomorrow. (instead of everyone having to leave at midnight) Yay :)! Now we can chill for a long time by the fire.
tee hee   
12:31am 04/06/2004
mood: hot
music: FM Static
I'm done with school. Can I hear a "YAY"!? :)

I had a good day. I received new music from Skalicious... new music always makes me happy :). That made my morning. A young man wearing a plaid suit, bright red shirt, black bow-tie, and emo glasses completely made my afternoon. Converse's attire was awesome! I so wish I had a camera with me.

I got my hair cut this afternoon. I don't know why I always end up getting a lesbianic hair cut. I enjoy looking like a boy? I dunno.

:) I'm excited about saturday! woo hoo, friends and a fire... who could ask for more?
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02:43pm 02/06/2004
  I'm extremely tired. There is only one person I can blame... Converse. That's right, Converse. If he was boring and wasn't such a fun person to talk to, I would be sleeping at midnight instead of chatting. But that's ok, being tired is fine with me :).

I had the funniest conversation with him last night. 90% of our conversation was spoken using a metaphor. It was insanely cute ;).

I guess you had to be there?
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01:30pm 01/06/2004
mood: bouncy
Last night I prayed and prayed with all my heart to God, telling him how much I loved and missed my cat. I told him I don't care if "cats don't have a soul" or if he's "just an animal"... he MEANT something to me. I talked to him about how I can remember holding Booger in one hand, and how he looked so helpless after his momma died. I told him about how I told Phoebe I would take care of her kittens while she was dying in my arms. I told God about bottle feeding him, bathing him.... just raising him.

He makes my day a little brighter. When I get home from school, there he is running from the garage meowing :) "mom's home... mom's home!" I told God about how I missed Booger purring in my ear, and meowing at me from across the yard and... and laying on my shoulder.

When I was falling asleep I was so convinced that if I were to look outside that minute, Booger would be sitting there waiting for me. But I just went to bed....

The first thing I did this morning was look out the sliding door. He wasn't there but I thought "one time when I look out there... he'll be there".

I went upstairs and glanced out the back door. He wasn't there, but again I thought "one time... he'll be there".

I cleared my mind and got ready for school. Half an hour later, I locked the door, walked outside, and knelt down to pet Cali and PJ. I heard a familiar "meow!" and my head jolted up... there was my little lost cat, lost no more :). I picked him up, thanked God, and shed a small tear.

.... Why, I don't know why God answers my prayers. Not that he needs to, but he's constantly proving his love and care for me. I couldn't be happier :). Well... maybe I could... good things could keep happening :).
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tee hee   
11:17pm 31/05/2004
mood: full
Awesome Girl's belly is full. She had a lot of pizza, haha. Six slices to be exact.

I think she's in a food coma.... but her belly is happy :).
tootie chickentush   
11:38pm 30/05/2004
mood: dorky
My aunt sent me an email that "helps you find your knew name". It's an easy process, but I didn't want to bother my friends with the email... so I did some of their names. Hehehe....

Awesome Girl: tootie chickentush
Converse: squeezit gizzardtush
Curly: pinky applelips
Emo Boy: poopsie rhinotush
Giggles: chim-chim cootienose
Sherbie: dinky bubblebrain
Skalicious: poopsie appleshorts
Squishy: buttercup chickentush
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mirror, mirror on the wall...   
03:27pm 30/05/2004
mood: full
music: The Beatles- Hey Jude
I had another dream about seeing my reflection in a mirror. This time, though, my image was not distorted. What I saw in the mirror was exactly what my body looked like. (in my dream anyway)

It was horrible! I had no meat, fat, goodliness chunk on my body! I was only skin and bone. No joke. I remember thinking "oh my gosh! I look terrible! I know I wanted to lose a little chunk from the trunk.... but really!"

I have the weirdest dreams ever...