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Sunday, September 7th, 2008
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6:12 pm
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i can't find a suitable word to describe the current state of tiredness that i'm in right now.
nothing really matters as much anymore. things that used to hold dear and important, are beginning to get less significant. afterall, you can't live for anyone else but yourself.
like him.
maybe if i hadn't gotten into the doll hobby, i wouldn't have gotten to know so many new people, and could have saved my sanity by that tiny bit. the doll circle is some vicious, nail-biting, bitch-churning society, it boasts an eco-system fully made up of ego, pride and malice.
i find maintaining relationships far too difficult for me. maybe it's just me then.
yeah it's always me.
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| Friday, September 5th, 2008
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4:41 pm
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i did a rough count of the Jap classes i plan to take, total will cost S$4570 for another 5 levels spanning across 96 weeks worth of classes once or twice a week. sheer crazy shit i tell you. lately i fear missing classes more than missing work, which is just ridiculous.
but, it's my dream to acheive JLPT 1 level someday, so if i stick my way through, i may just be able to do it before i hit my third decade of living. i'm just not sure if i can withstand the amount of studying for the next two years. i mean, i can't plan for oversea holidays as that'd mean missing classes. i have to make so much sacrifices on other things like basketball and shopping, just so that i can have enough time to do homework and attend classes. seriously, i'm beginning to doubt if i can do this. :/
that said, however it'd be a great motivation for me to keep my current job until the day i get my JLPT 1 cert. i've gotten my confirmation letter and a pay increment! :D
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| Sunday, August 31st, 2008
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12:54 pm
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someone quipped that i should go model for Kera.
hell yeah. XD
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| Friday, August 29th, 2008
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12:46 pm
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there's so much i wanna update, but i just couldn't squeeze the time out.
- great meet up with jess and sam last week! athough it was relatively short (blame the stupid rain), we had a great time catching up with each other. hadn't seen them since i left the bank in March.
- Sexy Dynamite London is yum, but i wish it's quality could match up to the insane price-tags. i really don't wanna fork out decent money for a limp piece of gauze.
- and i wasn't kidding when i said i'm on a mission to replace my current h.Naoto stash. i have 3 items with Mai, and another 3 with Crescent. shall stop for the time being until i can squeeze some time to really trash the wardrobe. right now it's just a complete mess of clothes and more clothes.
- hEAVEN & Naoto Seven = goth meets boho = awesome chicness beyond fake cupcakes with matching candy.
- ...but i'm running out of chances to dress up. :(
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| Thursday, August 21st, 2008
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10:06 pm
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incredibly, i fell asleep infront of the TV for a good 1.5 hrs before realising it. =___=
am.so.freaking.tired.
so sapped. so tired. so stoned. so shopping-deprived. so bleh. so auction-hungry. damn you Japanese people, please put some nice decent h.Naoto for me to bid! :@
meanwhile i'm on a mission to replace all my h.Anarchy with Dark Red Rum, and h.Blood with hEAVEN and Naoto Seven. i think i'm going bonkers.
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| Sunday, August 17th, 2008
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9:57 pm
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while time could definitely be better spent than just randomly surfing auctions, i'm just so bored and restless that i can't sit down and do my Jap revision. i've finished my sixth class, two more weeks and i'd complete this term, and move on to Intermediate II. that means right now, i'm lagging behind revision for five chapters. FIVE. and work is getting busier than before, as i head towards the end of my three-month probation period. although it felt more like i've spent an entire year there. that's what you get for over-accelerating the learning curve.
still contented with how things are moving, but i certainly wish for a bit more time alone. there are still a few aspects that i need to spend some time to review and iron out. like financial goals and commitments. long-term plans. revamping the room, shelves, closet and belongings. so much and so forth. work doesn't require much dressing up, even a plaid shirt-dress with jeans would raise a few eyebrows. sad right?
that aside, i really need a short getaway to some island resort or something. that, or a nice cold lychee martini.
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| Wednesday, August 13th, 2008
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7:31 pm
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mid-week, and finally an evening where i can catch a breather. perhaps twice a week is biting off more than i can chew, seeing how tired i get at work almost everyday now. but i don't want to give up yet. i want this cert to prove that, Hey I Not Stupid Too okay. doesn't mean that i gave up uni = i am a quitter.
somehow dad managed to get some odd-jobs for the time being, although i don't think it's going to last, but it sure beats seeing him pacing around at home restlessly every day.
and the best way to make myself feel poor? change all cash into yen. i felt bankrupt immediately. Motherland, 12 months!
crescent shop is down till 18-Apr. good news or bad? hmm.
anyway, i'm just going to rot to dreamland. jya~
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| Monday, August 11th, 2008
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7:34 pm
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life has been fruitful and smooth so far, until i came home to devastating news.
my dad just lost his job.
in short, he gets to keep all his earnings as all the monthly household contributions are from the rest of us. but his monthly expenditure is also significantly higher compared to any of us, due to his penchant for tobacco, Tiger beer and the Turf Club. i used to give him monthly allowances, but stopped after i left my previous engineering job. because it angered me to know that the money i slogged for, was used to pay for a betting slip that eventually became a piece of waste paper. even till now, where i'm earning slightly more, i still refused to give him that allowance, for i know it's a complete waste.
and now that he has lost his means of income, i have no idea how i'm going to cope with it. it's not beyond my means to provide the food, beer and tobacco, but the gambling? i can't deal with that. because gambling is a black hole that has no limits whatsoever. isn't it an utter waste and a complete shame to let precious money to be frittered away just like that? i can't handle it, i really can't. just as i thought that i can finally build some substantial savings for that HDB flat in eight years, i doubt it'd ever materialize.
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| Thursday, August 7th, 2008
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10:45 pm
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i won something incredible off mbok. my first in.... almost a year? man, i'm glad Mai took up my business again without much hesitation.
before i run off to rewatch REPEATED COUNTLESS ERROR for the 10000th time, i shall go snip something off yj quick.
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| Sunday, July 27th, 2008
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9:42 pm
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on a side note, i wish that i have the strength and resolve to end the relationships with certain people. it's obvious that everyone's lives have taken a different path. interests are different. goals are different. tastes are different. life direction is different. i no longer want to be the one responsible for initiating contact. there's only so much i can give for every relationship i have, be it friendship, kinship, or just about any kind of relationships with humans. tell me, how would you feel when none of your efforts was ever reciprocated, despite after knowing each other for so long?
i'm not angry. i'm not upset. i'm just very disappointed.
i do come across unfeeling, that's how i truly am. because i already have enough shit of my own, i don't need to deal with your uncalled angsty emotions. i no longer have the spare time or energy to waste over someone who doesn't bother to even reply a simple "how are you?" sms.
there's only so much i can take.
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| Saturday, July 26th, 2008
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10:39 am
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the lack of me-time recently has made me rather irritated. but i'm relieved that things have been running smooth and well. settled more or less into my new job, and i took up jap classes again. quite siong, cos the classes are quite cram-school type. two three-hour lessons per week, once on wed and once on sat. wed is killer, cos i have to rush down from work, and reach home only around 11pm. am gunning for the JLPT this dec, despite lacking confidence in it. it's okay, what matters is that at least i tried, alright? if i flunk this Dec, then i'd go queue and sign-up at JCS for their 2009 intermediate class, which is so much cheaper than what i'm paying now, lasts for almost a whole year, and only one two-hour class per week. right now i'm on six hours of jap weekly, and i feel like i'm OD-ing on it.
the room needs a major overhaul. AGAIN. alot of packing, rearranging and trashing to do. gotta free up the space underneath the bed too. more stuff to sell too. i need time. TIME!
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| Saturday, July 19th, 2008
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2:15 am
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soon, Ryan will be unstrung, bubble-wrapped, and ship to Canada in a box. yes i've decided that it's time for him to go to a new home. and it's a new home that fully deserves him, because the to-be owner is one of the most incredible customizers around, and i have loads of respect for her work. it's fate. i barely updated the details on my sales thread, hadn't even bumped it to page one yet, and i received her message. i'm sure she'd breathe new life into this boy, transform him completely into another amazing character, and he'd finally get all the attention that he should have gotten from everyone.
it has been a good two-odd years spent with him. while there were some unpleasant memories encountered along the way, he has brought alot of joy and fun when i was still engrossed with the hobby, and i never imagined how insanely popular he'd become.
all good things will eventually come to an end, and i am really glad that it's a good ending at least.
thank you, and good bye.
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| Monday, July 14th, 2008
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10:28 pm
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it's nearing that time of the month again, and my mood is getting cranky. i wonder how i'm gonna pull through the week. :/
am losing faith in life, on a whole. should i have a choice to, i'd rather be a stray cat or dog or some animal locked in the zoo. being a human being is so tiring, with emotions and feelings and so much baggage all the time. i've never found this journey fun or exciting or fulfilling at all.
i guess i'm just really, really tired.
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| Wednesday, July 9th, 2008
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6:33 pm
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the same thing i repeat to myself every morning:
"one day worked, one day closer to going home."
won and lost a couple of bids, and still plenty going on. i wonder where my resolve to save went to. hmm. then again, i doubt these stuff would stay in my closet for long. probably they'd be sold off again. soon. aha.
i think, i need to find some new hobby. cosplay has lost all the magic touch (trust me, when all you see are incredibly fugly photos of yourself splashed all over a local forum, whatever fun will just die on the spot). i don't fancy cute poufy skirts anymore. dolls are now mere blocks of resin. things that used to consume my life (out of work) are now.... not so consuming anymore. the only thing that remained, is my huge addiction to auctions. and yet i can actually run out of things to bid, because i already have so much.
sigh. life.
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| Sunday, June 29th, 2008
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10:49 am
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GOOD MORNING WORLD I AM THROWING ALL COMMON SENSE OUT OF THE WINDOW BY PLACING BIDS EVERYWHERE LIKE A MAD WOMAN!
oh.my.god.
this is going to be major EPICNESS!
and then, i'd deal with the reselling later.
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| Friday, June 27th, 2008
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6:57 pm
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got off early today due to fever. sigh. why fall sick on Friday, of all days?!
so far this week: work has been reasonable, got to visit subcons and attend meetings, basically very hands-on training. now at least some of the reports start to make sense, the terms sound familiar, i can recognize parts and their codes, etc. still hanging in there. but the best thing so far, is that the colleagues are really nice people. nice as in, their common aim is to knock off at 5.30pm, so there's not much office politics or bitching or back-stabbing around.
the pace is really alot slower than what i'm used to, and it's abit difficult to adjust, but i guess i'd manage somehow.
oh, and the best thing that happened this week: i received a brand-new laptop at work! my boss wants all of us to carry laptops for all the meetings (so far i hadn't), and work mobile, hence the laptop.
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| Sunday, June 22nd, 2008
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2:55 pm
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the obligatory post before Monday blues kick in.
noticed that i normally don't put titles? well, that's because it'd eventually be "random shit of the day" most of the time. so what for? save my effort.
anyway, i've already told mum that if i can't handle this job, i'd leave at the end of three months. there's a clause that i'd need to work at least two months, or pay a 25% severance penalty. since my probation period is three months, i can leave at the end of it without needing to give notice, if i deem myself unsuitable for this job. it's a real pity, considering the incredibly favorable conditions of the location and salary. but if it's really something that i cannot handle, i don't think it's worth to stay on either. :/
one might think that, it's only two weeks, how can you make such a hasty decision?
yeah, try telling my boss to stop making me feel like a stupid moron for not knowing advanced excel functions.
i'd try to keep pretending to be a moron, to see if i can stretch my stay up till end of this year. one thing i learnt from my previous jobs, is that it's not exactly the best thing to be the top performer among all. sadly, the easiest way out is to be the average performer, act dumb at times, turn a blind eye to everything, and just pass day-by-day. i'd be contented to make it to payday, and then let the cycle repeat itself. no more questioning the purpose of life, no more angsting over petty little things at work, no more. just work like a zombie, move like a zombie, be a zombie. no need to chiong so much one, just slow slow slack slack.
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| Saturday, June 21st, 2008
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4:50 pm
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in a nutshell,
- i'm not dead yet, but close to being.
- might leave this company after fulfilling the three months probation, unless i can break out of the rut i'm in now. i don't exactly feel that i'm stupid or unteachable, but my boss has the knack of making me feel utterly dumb. like, i ought to know how to build excel macros from scratch, how to do hlookup and vlookup at just a snap of the fingers, etc etc.
- on the brighter side, i hadn't spent much since i started working. everyday i walk to-and-fro, eat cheap lunches at the canteen, and head straight home after knocking off. i guess even if its for three months only, i'd get to save a pretty penny out from it.
- find myself feeling more and more indifferent about life, in general. i don't feel any tangy zest for it, sometimes i'm just willing time to pass away for the sake of moving on to the following day. friends can come ang go, family can come and go, money can come and go, anything comes and goes. it really doesn't matter anymore.
- payment for the vamp head is coming in soon, i hope.
- and my paycheck from the agency is missing. :/
- i should be updating on my Japan trip, but i'm really lazy.
- my bids have all been removed, thanks to anal Japanese sellers who think that i might be some hentai-jiji or something. besides, there aren't much nice stuff to bid on at all.
- i wanna go for a drink badly.
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| Monday, June 16th, 2008
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10:28 pm
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right now i just want to smash something so badly.
either that, or empty my entire paypal account on more frivolous stuff.
i need motivation in life.
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| Sunday, June 15th, 2008
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1:08 pm
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I ish v boring @ hm NAO
am so not looking forward to work tomorrow. after one week there, i found myself struggling with so much new things, and i am not pleased. yeah yeah everyone kept telling me that it's normal because i'm still a newbie, but i am really very frustrated at myself. the pace there is alot slower than what i'm used to, i have problems adjusting to it, and given my quick-snap impatient nature, everything bad is magnified to extreme proportions.
mood is getting haywire.
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