| A Letter |
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| 09:36pm 15/01/2008 |
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Hello, Tim. Thank you for the honest and heartfelt e-mail. Before having a chance to respond, I heard from Ryan, who told me that he and you are going to meet for a private conversation before we get together as couples. I wanted to acknowledge that I received your e-mail and have given it a lot of thought. I also want to thank you for being such a wonderful friend to Ryan, and I think it's a good idea that you two will be meeting.
I'll leave the majority of what he decides to tell you up to him. Still, I feel compelled to extend my concern for him. Ryan is an emotional sponge, as many men tend to be. He absorbs his feelings of frustration, stress, anxiety and inferiority. I'd give myself too much credit if I said I could perceive this all on my own. Still, it has been obvious to me for some time that I've been kept at arm's length from him emotionally. It breaks my heart because I want nothing more than to be there for him. I feel like in the last couple of weeks our communication has improved, and I'm grateful for that, but I know I'm not enough for him. His struggles extend beyond my control and they demand a great deal of his attention.
When tensions first began to arise between us, I was selfish in my objective to get what I wanted without considering what Ryan really needed at the time. I was running into a brick wall, thinking that if he could see my frustration with his emotional unavailability that he would remedy his ways and be what I wanted him to be. It took almost losing him to finally turn to God for guidance. That night I had a dream that filled me with a sense of calm and clarity. I know that behind Ryan's smile is an intense battle with his career situation, one that has been a priority over me. This bothered me for a long time.
He's not in the same emotional position as I am in this relationship, and I've accepted that. I know that my love for him is unconditional, and that in these past few weeks I have never loved him more. The difficulties he has faced with finances and I that have faced with trust have only forced me to follow God's intentions and not my own. I have this overwhelming motivation to do everything I can to support Ryan, even if that means seeing him less and accepting that I am not and will probably never come before his work.
His determination is so admirable, and I'm fascinated by his resilience every day. I worry, though, that he feels like a failure, that all he has done hasn't amounted to what he'd hoped for at this point. I also fear that he feels he has failed with me, partially due to my previous criticisms of him and partially because he can't afford to take me out on dates. I don't care about going on a damn date, and I can only wish I haven't made him think otherwise. Having him in my life is a tremendous blessing and I want him in it regardless if he can take me out to dinner or not. Just thinking about this makes me want to cry, because I want so badly for him to find a sense of peace and stability and acceptance and security.
He is just such an extraordinary work of God. I've tried to tell him many times, especially lately, that I love him and cherish him for who he is, and that I don't have a desire to change him. He values work and financial stability more than I do, but I completely stand by him and support his efforts because I know that being financially secure is imperative for him to become satisfied with himself. I want him to see what I see, and what God sees.
Even though it is a struggle for me, I have decided to completely trust him again, though I don't know what I wish I knew about what we've endured during our difficult times. I've been plagued with fleeting moments of paranoia that my trust has been violated again, and yesterday I had enough. While alone in my room, I yelled "STOP!" at the top of my lungs. I don't want such thoughts in my head anymore. I do trust him. I know he is a great man who doesn't intend to hurt anyone. The connections he has with others are of the utmost importance to him and he wouldn't blatantly attempt to disrupt that. Despite the wall Ryan has up between him and me, I know he cares for me. He's still trying to make this work and it's so commendable. It shows me what I've wanted to be sure of all along. I just hope he doesn't feel overwhelmed with trying to "keep the plates spinning" as he puts it, because I will always be here for him even when he doesn't have a lot of time for me.
He is my best friend and the love of my life, and was the only constant for me when I went through a year of hell. God sent him to me so that I could find God. How do I thank someone for something like that? Ryan has been my rock, my Superman every day... even if he doesn't realize it. I wish I could thank him for everything by returning the favor. I've had the privilege of seeing some of the metaphorical bricks come down from the wall, and it makes me happier than I can put into words. I already know that I love and respect whoever he is behind that wall. I want to be the person that wall comes down with.
Still, he needs someone to confide in other than me. He needs to be able to talk to someone about things he can't discuss with me. I'm grateful for your friendship with him. You and Allison are both very dear to my heart. If you can, please remind him of the richness in his life and that great things are in store for him because his heart is with the Lord. I hope I haven't made you feel pressured to be anything other than the amazing friend you already are for him. It's easier for me to be able to confide in friends who are fellow followers of Christ, especially two great people who are openly sharing their own relationship struggles with me. I apologize for the long-winded and possibly incoherent structure of this letter, but I just really treasure your opinion and value the listening ear you give to Ryan. He deserves every ounce of happiness that comes his way.
God bless,
Kelsi |
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