| We Pass The Time To Forget How Time Passes |
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| 09:33pm 02/04/2005 |
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mood: moody music: Quarashi - Tarfur
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I've decided I really need to practice what I preach. I have not been a hypocrite, but I could certaily exercise my own advice in certain situations. I've been a little down on myself lately, as though I am disappointing others. I know I can't please everyone but I'm just too busy to take everything on right now. Ultimately I feel like I'm missing out on something and that I'm not getting to where I want to be. I know the only thing holding me back is myself, so it would be ridiculous to blame anyone or anything. Maybe this mentality is a phase that will hopefully pass. Then again, maybe not.
Normally when my boss is a bad mood and acts cranky it doesn't bother me, yet for some reason I took it personally the other day. I also try to have conversations with my co-workers, but lately when I speak I always end up feeling stupid afterwards, as though what I said was superficial or meaningless or redundant to them. I'm losing confidence in my projects despite conversations with my teaching assistant and my professor who tell me I'm where I should be and that I'm doing well. After spending Easter with Chris and his family, I felt accepted but there seemed to be something missing that would have made me feel completely comfortable around them. It's been over a year, for God's sake... things shouldn't be like now. Chris told me I looked pretty the other day when I had my hair up, and instead of graciously accepting the compliment, I didn't believe him. He's been so patient with me despite my faltering self-esteem. Several of my friends have complimented me lately as well, and for some reason I'm honestly not seeing it.
It's not like me to be so down on myself and instigate a pity parade. In fact, I hate pity and will go to lengths to make sure people don't bestow it upon me. Therefore, I apologize for this whiny entry. I'm feeling rather confused and a wee bit overwhelmed. Everything around me is blurred and I'm standing still. It's never enough... it's never enough.
I can't let it bother me anymore. |
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