Eve    11:54am 24/12/2007   I went to bed Tuesday night thinking my relationship was in shambles. Ryan knew I was mad; why wouldn't he talk to me? I woke up after sleeping for an hour and felt an incredible sense of calm and clarity. I text messaged him telling him I wanted to talk but that I wasn'tmad anymore. Right away I got a response. I went to his house and told him that I'd realized something: I had been acting disrespectful of his work hours and his choice of occupation in general. I didn't mean it that way, but I hadn't really shown my support for him. I told him that I had been so wrapped up in my own point of view that I hadn't realized how my words and actions were being interpreted, nor was I really taking him into consideration. Ryan replied by telling me that when I leave him an angry voicemail, the last thing he wants to do is call me. So here I am apologizing, and he's being immature and telling me he intentionally avoids conflict. It was very hard not to criticize him, but I had made a pact with myself not to do that today. He was ready for me to pick him apart, to tell him what he was doing wrong. I let him vent, then asked him what he thought of what I'd just told him about my little epiphany and my desire to change my approach. He again told me how wrong I had been to blow things out of proportion over the past few days, and I again redirected him to the fact that I was voluntarily making amends. It was a very long and difficult conversation. It started out with Ryan being noticably angry and unwilling to back down, even though I wasn't arguing with him. I told him that I loved him and admired his hard work even if he doesn't get the financial compensation that he deserves for it. I said that I respect him for sticking it out, and that I didn't say things like that enough even though I meant them. I pointed out the err of my ways and noted that while it is a two-way street when it comes to resolving conflict, I am willing to work on my apporach to arguments in a more productive manner. I asked him if he loved me and if he was willing to work on the relationship with me. He said he didn't know if he even had time for a relationship right now, that he didn't know if he could give me what I need, that he wasn't sure what love meant anymore, and that he couldn't give me an answer right away. I tried very hard not to cry, but what he said crushed me completely. We sad in silence, me sniffling and him staring straight ahead, for a long time. Finally, I looked at him and waited for himt o make eye contact. Then, I said, "You ARE what I need. What I need is you. My love for you is unconditional, and despite when we have arguments, you make me happy. I want to be the one to make you happy, but if it's not me, then it's not me. I will give you the space you want and I won't bother you. I just want you to do what is best for you and will make you happy. It would hurt me tremendously, but I would step back." His expression softened a little. He held my hand and said he still wanted to go to the waterpark resort with me, and hoped that a change of scenery and a break from the stresses of work would help clear his head. "We'll see how it goes," he said. Then he walked me to my car and kissed me goodbye. Well, aside from not knowing whetherhe even loved me or not, the conversation went pretty well. Thursday morning, Ryan drove to my apartment and I let him open his Christmas presents hand have some cereal before we left for the Dells. Ryan said to be on the lookout for my gift (I asked him to do something romantic for me, and I guess he still plans on doing that). There was major traffic congestion on the Interstate, so I grabbed a map and helped him navigate around the traffic jam, Ryan suddenly emerged from his shell, as though the slight sense of adventure brought him out of his funk. It's hard to explain the change in his demeanor; it was just there. We arrived and checked into our room: a massive king size bed and jacuzzi faced a flat screen television in a room that boasted high ceilings and a gorgeous glass shower. After changing into our swimsuits, we ran down to the waterpark. It was suprisingly dead in there, and we never had to wait in line. We hopped on ride after ride, practiced surfing in the wave pool, and lounged in the lazy river. It was as though the last three days of hell had never happened, but I was wary to fall back into comfort. We relaxed in the room before going out to a nice dinner. Then we cuddled in bed and watched a movie, and Ryan told me he loves me. The next morning, we checked out and Ryan took all my bags to the car. We dropped his vehicle off at my dad's shop for a tune-up and I drove him to my parents' house in my car. We relaxed and watched "Love Actually" and his award-winning dance competition from October. He spent the night, and he helped my dad wash the garage floor, plow the driveway, and repair the snowmobiles. He brought me a glass of wine and some water while the family was watching a movie. He gave me a neck massage and let me use him as a pillow. In the morning, I woke up with his arm around me and him saying, "Good morning! You're so cute!" The morning before we talked, I had prayed that Ryan not be taken away from me. I woke with the realization that we were both waiting for the other person to treat us with more respect before we returned the favor. I decided to take the initiative and, by accepting responsibility for my shortcomings in recent events and not focusing on his errors, he did exactly what I ahd rpedicted: he came around and is now treating me with the respect I deserve. Will it last long term? We shall see. I look forward to observing the progress. In the meantime, I'm going to have a Merry Christmas and a happy anniversary after all. To be continued...         1 Review | Watch The Film   Dying    08:37am 19/12/2007   "I'll call you later tonight and see what you're up to." That was on Sunday. I called three times Sunday night and left a text message... no response. Later the next afternoon I got a voicemail (though I have no reception in my office so I don't know when the message was left) that he hadn't taken his phone with him. How was he planning to call then? "My lunch is at four. I hope to hear from you then." I called shortly after four. No answer. I called at eleven that night. No answer. The next morning, no message or response. I left an angry message on his voicemail when I called from the work phone the following afternoon. I got a text saying he couldn't call me until later because he was stuck on a project at work. No call later. That night I got a text message asking if I was going to be at swing. I said I was already there. He didn't show up. After midnight I got another text saying he'd just gotten off work and was exhausted so he was going to go home. I'm not worth five minutes of his time for a phone call... even when he knows I'm upset at his lapse in communication. I called him one last time and got his voicemail again. Sobbing, I told him that I was going to the Dells by myself. He had taken me for granted for the last time, and that if I wasn't worth the effort, he didn't deserve to be there. Happy fucking anniversary and merry fucking Christmas to me.         7 Reviews | Watch The Film   Lonely    09:47pm 16/12/2007   Spending three weeks meticulously counting calories and working out diligently has resulted in an overall loss of eight pounds and five inches. I find myself doing squats and pushups in my office late in the afternoon when everyone else has left. Lately I've been buffing my nails, applying self-tanner, putting highlights in my hair, and have committed to a two-day liquid diet to cleanse my body before the trip. I look great in the new red corset I just bought to surprise Ryan on our anniversary. And for what?         2 Reviews | Watch The Film   Three More    07:08pm 11/12/2007   I lost another inch in my waist, hips, and bust. That's a total of five inches I've lost overall, as well as eight pounds. None of my pants fit anymore; it's like my butt is vanishing. And I still eat brownies! I realized today that I am the first person to be called upon by my boss when the schools close due to weather. I was out of bed and cleaning off my car within fifteen minutes. I groggily unlocked my office door to put alert bulletins on the web site and television station. The tech department, backed by an my enthusiastic superintendent, are currently setting up remote access to the server on a laptop for me to take home for such future occasions. This will save on frazzled driving in horrible weather only to arrive at the administration building after school was supposed to begin.         1 Review | Watch The Film   Much Needed Update    11:11pm 10/12/2007   I feel sort of detached at the moment. What is supposed to be a time of holiday spirit and cheer really just feels flat and monotonous. Work is going well, considering I still have no supervisor and have to run this television station single-handedly. When I get stuck and have a question, I try asking the person who might be best equipped to help me. Usually I get a recommendation to ask someone else, who I then have to track down and leave messages. Odds are I won't hear back all day and be less productive as a result. I just hope no one finds me incompetent for this job; I'm doing the absolute best I can considering the circumstances. I'm also at least ten years younger than any other employee in the building. I asked one man, Mike, if some of the staff get together after work for drinks on occasion. He said that only certain groups of teachers in the schools do that because they are in small cliques, and that most of the administration staff have families to go home to. I work in a room that is only accessible through my would-be supervisor's empty office, so I'm very secluded and receive little human interaction throughout the day. I also have to stare at television and computer screens for hours, so sometimes the last thing I want to do is look at another screen that evening. I've realized that Ryan and I tend to watch TV or play video games or do something on a computer when we hang out lately. It's a rut I don't want to fall into again like I did with Chris. Today was a lazy Sunday: after church Ryan and I had lunch while watching the football game at the Halfwassen's house. Brent and Kate are friends from church, and Steve and Jill were there too. It was great fun, and afterwards we went to this guy Tony's house and played "Halo" with six other people. Ryan and I then came back to my apartment and napped on the couch before watching a little TV. Days like this are fine, but I fear it becoming a habit. Tomorrow I'm going to ask that we try a different type of interaction, like a board game, or reorganizing his closet. Anything that doesn't involve a screen as a third wheel. It would just be nice to really communicate like people did before all of this technology exploded and people were glued to their iPod and Blackberrys and Bluetooth and DVD players in their cars. Ryan and I are more social than Chris and I were. For example, we volunteered to wrap gifts for free yesterday afternoon in the mall. We went bowling with another couple. We go swing dancing. Today was social as well. All of these things involve groups of people, and I'd just like our one-on-one time to be more proactive on occasion. We had a disagreement recently because I told Ryan I wanted him to do something romantic for me as a Christmas present. He told me he was sick of hearing about that and blew it off like it wasn't important. That was hurtful because it means a lot to me, and he disregarded it so blatantly. I tearfully admitted that to him, letting him know that if he's sick of hearing me talk about it that he should listen to me, and hopefully this time he heard me. He and I are both stressed. Finances are tight, though I get paid on Thursday. He has a competition coming up and has to practice both before and after work. He's been battling a cold for over a week now. His stepfather is released from jail next week, and I guess he's mad at his entire family for whatever reason, so that can't be easy on Ryan. I'm trying to be supportive and understanding while still getting what I need. I feel cut off from my friends. When I do have time to hang out, I'm usually so tired that I don't feel like going anywhere. When I do make plans, I get several calls for invitations that same night, and then I can't make it to them. Part of my fatigue is due to work, other parts stem from the cold, snowy, miserable weather. I've also been changing my eating habits and exercising regularly, hoping to lose weight before Ryan and I celebrate out one year anniversary in the Dells. I've lost six pounds in the past two weeks, and I have two more weeks to go before our little getaway. I'm thrilled to be at a weight I haven't seen since high school (and my pants don't fit!), but my energy level is dropping and I wonder if I'm eating the right foods. I hope to be better about updating this. I just got really bogged down this week.         2 Reviews | Watch The Film   Forward Progress    10:03pm 30/11/2007   Yes! Today I measured myself and I've lost an inch from my waistline and an inch from my hips. This is the result of a week of Dance Dance Revolution, 5-pound weight training, and crunches. Ideally I'd want to be at the weight and size I want by the time Ryan and I go to the Kalahari Resort on December 20th, but I'd have to give up most eating in order to achieve that. No way... I'm doing this the right way! I didn't expect to see results in a week, but I measured myself and was pleasantly surprised. My increased stamina has made my legs stronger, which has helped in other parts of my life (Rej and Dante, you were right... more sex is good!). However, I'm irritated with this massive dry spot on my skin just under my left arm, right where my bra rests. It started out looking and feeling almost like a rug burn (I fell asleep in a bra, which I don't normally do), and now it's peeling tremendously. I've used almost an entire bottle of lotion on the thing and it's still peeling. If it's not one thing, it's another, right? My first 40-hour career work week has also ended, and it wasn't as stressful as I had anticipated. Communication is still spotty, as no one but my former would-be supervisor really know what my job entails. He's been gracious about accepting my phone calls when I'm lost about the cable channel or not sure if I am supposed to record a certain meeting. My colleague Bill has been very helpful, even despite his intense illness this week. On Monday he's coming in and we are going to reorganize the entire editing room: fill the cabinets with something other than cables, get rid of the empty boxes and old VHS tapes, segregate broken equipment to be thrown away, untangle the mess of cords and wires and put them in a box, and clean out the desktop folders. Then later this week we'll go to the studio at Parkway and do the same thing. I want to get it set a certain way (a CLEAN way) before a new supervisor is hired. That way, he or she will never know how it used to be and I can have things organized the way I choose. I had to drive up to the clinic to have my TB results read, and I was not far from Ryan's studio, so I stopped in to say hello. He was very happy to see me because he and his boss were trying to figure out how to set up a wireless router. My former boss, Boyd, had not used the Mac laptop since I was laid off, so Ryan asked to buy it from him by making payment installments. Boyd agreed, happy to have the thing off his hands, so now Ryan has his own computer, finally. Unfortunately, he wants to take it everywhere with him like it's his teddy bear, and he has very little knowledge of how to operate it. That's where I come in. Thus, my timing was perfect for him. His boss, Larson, thinks I'm awesome and asked me why Ryan and I hadn't "joined forces" and moved in together for the economic benefit. Ryan shrugged, saying that our leases are disjointed and that makes getting a place difficult. I still have six months on the lease for my apartment, and I'd planned on renewing it now that I got this job. This was news to me, since the last impression I had was that Ryan was afraid of being judged by our church friends for living with a girl he was dating but not married to. Personally, I love our friends, but it's not their business. However, now that Ani is moving to Florida in the spring to live with her almost fiancée, Ryan has no roommate prospects and can't afford his own place on his salary. He's also been talking about relocating. He said if I hadn't been able to find work here and took a job somewhere else that he would have moved with me, "as long as it wasn't to a cornfield in Iowa." This also surprised me, as Ryan is self-proclaimed granite and doesn't adapt well to change. He's got everything he's ever known right here in Milwaukee, and while my situation is similar, I never had qualms about moving elsewhere. He's also started calling me "Kelsi Stoehr-Wehr" because our last names rhyme. I told him not to change my name until he'd made my bed and cleared the breakfast dishes.         2 Reviews | Watch The Film   Aaaaaaaaandthenigottheflu    10:32pm 27/11/2007   Day two of my new job began with me puking my breakfast on my way out the door. Needless to say I was a few minutes late getting there. I haven't been able to keep any food down all day (I'm STARVING), my nose is running and I can't stop sneezing... but my spirits are high because I have a good job, little money worries for the moment, and Ryan is good to me. He's bringing me soup and white soda tomorrow night. Tomorrow I have a physical and drug test so I can apply for my benefits. Then I won't have to worry about insurance either. Now if I could just eat something and enjoy it for more than a few minutes. NyQuil is kicking in... time for bed!         1 Review | Watch The Film   Day One Of My... Career?    10:12pm 26/11/2007   I can't wait for my new insurance to activate. I had to drive all the way to Madison this morning to see a doctor so I wouldn't have to pay out of pocket. Then I had to hurry back to Milwaukee so I wouldn't be late for my very first day at my new job. My supervisor has transferred to another district, and my my trainer is ill with E. Coli, so today was essentially a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants day. I got my internet and intranet codes so I can access and update the website for the entire district, as well as the credentials needed to operate the television station (oh, the power!). I was very productive today and already have some new items on the cable channel. I even had to shoot a live broadcast with a 4-camera set-up by myself. It was actually very simple once I familiarized myself more with the eighties-era video switchboard. I am very much looking forward to buying new equipment with the media budget. After meeting almost everyone in the administration building today, I can say with confidence that I am by far the youngest full-time employee on their payroll. I've already been referred to by the human resources coordinator as a "young little blonde spitfire" because I made goofy faces into the office doorways as I wheeled down the hall on a cart full of equipment. So far, the job appears to be pretty laid-back. Shoot an event here, update a web page there, spend a lot of time tinkering with Photoshop and setting up my future studio workspace at the Parkway building at my own discretion. I'm not even set up to use timecards; I just get paid for forty hours of work each week without having to sign in. What a trusting bunch. Later, of course, the work will become more intense, but I don't have to dwell on that just yet. One thing that will be a challenge to adjust to is the early schedule. I'm accustomed to a second shift job, so waking up at seven every morning sounds like hell. I'm hoping that as I get more comfortable in my work that I will be allowed to come in at nine-ish and just stay a little later. Otherwise, I'll be going to bed as soon as Ryan gets off of work... and where's the fun in that? It's been a long, eventful day... and I'm exhausted. Time for me to take a hot shower, curl up on the couch with a glass of milk, finish reading my book, and catch a wee bit of Headlines on Leno.         1 Review | Watch The Film   Assistant To Whom?    06:24pm 22/11/2007   Training began on Wednesday. I learned how the cable channel works and was given a tutorial on the Sony Vegas editing software (which is a demented simplistic version of Final Cut Pro). In fact, I ended up teaching the trainer, who was younger than me, how to use Vegas better than he knew. My trainer is Bill. He's twenty years old and thinks I'm pretty keen because I like "Star Wars" and rock music. We went to the Parkway location, a former school now used as the Rec Center and classroom for expelled students. One room on the second floor is a sort of studio. There isn't much organization up there, but starting Monday it will be my job to organize it however I want. I get to come into work at my own discretion, as long as I get forty hours in each week. I need to throw out some of the old, corroded, broken equipment just gathering dust in that space and make room for the new items the $30,000 grant will bring in. I drove Ryan to the airport at 4am so he could be the best man in his friend's wedding this weekend. I slept a whopping ninety minutes before rousing to make him some breakfast. He was supposed to arrive at my apartment by midnight, but his mother was having a tough time going through the holidays with her husband still in jail, so Ryan stayed later and played board games with her to keep her company. I couldn't argue with that, but I had been looking forward to spending time with him before he left. When he changed the plans, he asked if I could pick him up at his own place at 4:30 am to take him downtown, and I reluctantly agreed, but at 2 am he surprised me by showing up, claiming he wanted to see me before he left. When the alarm went off this morning, I didn't want to let go of my man pillow. He was the only reason I'd been able to doze off without shivering. I made bacon and toast for him and slipped a homemade card into his carry-on luggage. After dropping him off at the terminal with a kiss goodbye, I drove home for a few hours of sleep before Thanksgiving at my uncle and aunt's house. Now I'm home, and having successfully figured out how to turn my thermostat on, am excited to decorate my place for Christmas while watching Joey Harrington battle Peyton Manning on television.         1 Review | Watch The Film   The Wait Is Over    06:11pm 16/11/2007   As of today, I have been hired as the media assistant for the West Allis - West Milwaukee Public School District. This position has been four years in the making, as the district desperately wanted to hire a person specifically to manage their television channel, cable channel 13. The responsibilities of this job involves shooting, editing, and organizing events on the station, as well as working with video clubs in grades five through twelve. This means I get to work with kids and show them how to make videos! I also have to maintain and update the disctrict web site. After finally meeting for a preliminary interview, then waiting for a second interview only to be given a project to shoot, then left to twiddle my thumbs yet again while the second interview was scheduled, I met with the panel of interviewers this morning. I didn't feel nervous about the job itself, but worried that I may not get it. Recent health problems have raised concerns about my insurance, since my coverage ends on December 31. Of course, the question of where my next rent check would come from was prevalent as well. I was competing with one other candidate, a more expreienced gentleman who has worked for the school for some time now. Still, I felt the interview went well, and I was informed that a decision would be made by Thanksgiving. Thirty minutes later, I was in my apartment hanging storm plastic on the windows when I got the call. I won't have a gap in my coverage, I'll be salaried for the first time in my life, and I'll be making more than any other job I've had. As a bonus, I'll have flexible hours and creative control! It's truly a blessing. It's a career. And it's worth the wait.         2 Reviews | Watch The Film   Yeah    11:18pm 15/11/2007   Soooooooo ready to be done housesitting.         1 Review | Watch The Film   Dry Eyes    12:35am 10/11/2007   Today at 2pm I videotaped an elementary school chorus concert, and just finished editing it together at 12:30am. My eyes and neck hurt from straining, but it's DONE! Let's just hope it gets me the job. Time to go relax with Ryanpants in the twin cities for a few days.         2 Reviews | Watch The Film   How A Heart Breaks    12:35pm 07/11/2007   "Sometimes I wish I had to go through chemo just so I wouldn't have to deal with all this stress." Please don't say that, Mom.         1 Review | Watch The Film   Complications    10:35am 07/11/2007   When I was sick, my mother told me that the traits were hereditary and "normal" for our family. Now that my sister has experienced the same thing, had to be hospitalized for severe anemia, and required two blood transfusions, can it really be considered normal? I was terribly worried about Kate. I realized I may have been in the same situation had I not seen a doctor when I did. I still became anemic, but overcame the weakness and fatigue by resting for a few days at home. It's irritating to have had my condition brushed off as "normal" as I was crying and wiping the blood from the floors and walls. How horrifying it was to finally clean myself up, only to relax on the couch for ten minutes and then have to scrub the upholstery. I slept on layers of towels lined by plastic bags in order to save my mattress. I found myself yearning for showers, for just a few minutes to not worry about what I would stain next, but finding it difficult to stand for long periods of time. Then I'd wince as I would bend down to remove massive clots of tissue from the shower drain. Is it because of Kate's living in proximity to my parents that makes her condition more serious? Is it because she has a son? Is it because I responsibly sought medical assistance instead of waiting until I had to be hospitalized? I get the impression in situations like this that what happens to me is less important. Either that or I've done a good job of convincing my family that I can handle things on my own. Regardless, it just makes me want to withdraw from them further.         3 Reviews | Watch The Film   Anti-Coma    11:33am 05/11/2007   I've been able to enjoy the Food Network while housesitting, and recently observed a recipe for vanilla cupcakes with mascarpone/strawberry filling and white icing. Too bad strawberries are out of season here, because I'd gladly make them so I could munch on one or two while reading or editing. I got another callback for an entry level producer job at a local independent company. Finding a job in this field without having at least three years of experience is so damn hard. Perhaps that's why no one else who graduated from the film department this year has related employment. Some are moving across the country in hopes of having better luck. Yet I have been fortunate enough to get several callbacks, a few interviews, and now one job is looking very promising. I will have to be really determined on Thursday. Even if I don't get the job, I'm flattered that I was seriously considered for such a position. Not too many 23-year-olds can say they were sought out as a candidate to practically run an entire cable channel. My main concern involves not having insurance at the end of the year. I'd really like to find work by then so I don't go too long without coverage. This media position would provide great benefits and allow me to stay in the area. I don't mind it here, and I think I'm in a great city to provide me with experience so in later years I can apply for my ideal profession. Employment would, of course, also alleviate any worries about finances. My nestegg is starting to get low, so I'd prefer to build it again. I've already got a good chunk of my savings invested in mutual funds so I'm not earning four dollars a year in some liquid, low-interest account. Home ownership is no longer a far-fetched idea. Their support of my family and friends has increased my already unfailing sense of optimism. On that note, time to make lunch. It's great to have my thoughts in order again.         Watch The Film   Changes, Part 2    11:13pm 03/11/2007   Our coversation was over an hour long. The first twenty minutes were a botched attempt on his part to initiate small talk. I responded with one-word answers, wondering who he was trying to fool and if he would just get to the point already. I listened to him explain that he felt tugged in all directions with his obligations in work, family, church, hobbies, and in his relationship. He had suddenly become frightened at his dependence on me for his meals, his internet access, getting his laundry cone, etc. Concerns were strong regarding the quality of our time together, since he claimed he was primarily usiing his time with me to get stuff done, and that he should do that on his own time. Our time should be relationship time. Essentially, he had an identity crisis. It reall had little or nothing to do with me. Therefore, I expressed my frustration with is decision on how to handle the situation... that making me sit for four days with no words from him was emotional hell. I was harsh in my analysis of his behavior, telling him to learn to handle conflict and discuss it like an adult. I also agreed that our time together should focus more on quality over quantity, since I had been feling very much not worth the effort to him lately. It was difficult to admit to him, but by not even taking the time to think of a birthday idea or to even get me a card made me feel like I wasn't worth the time and consideration. This unwillingness to discuss what angered him in our most recent argument just reinforced that insecurity. I demanded more respect than that. If he was willing to do that, I"d be hapy to stand behind him and be fully supportive as he discovers what it is he needs out of life. That night, I slept well for the first time in a week. I went to my church meeting feeling better about the fiasco, and realized that our mutual friend Tim had invited Ryan out for a drink. He offered relationship advice and, while I don't know exactly what was said, I know that Tim is emotionally mature in that field and was likely a great companion for Ryan that night. I decided to postpone the dinner Ryan and I had planned with Tim and his girlfriend Allison (who has been a great friend to me lately), so that Ryan and I could use that time to discuss matters face to face.         6 Reviews | Watch The Film   Changes Part 1    11:00am 01/11/2007   "I need to clear my head. I need a break from you." My heart fell out of my rib cage when that text message appeared on my phone. For four days, our only correspondence were a few short texts. Each time I struggled through a sleepless night and pushed through the errands and appointments of the day, I thought I would lose it. Then something wonderful would happen: Mike came over on Sunday. Allison met up with me on Monday and we baked lasagna and brownies. Kiersten and Chip spontaneously rang my doorbell on Tuesday, even though they didn't know where I lived (they randomly guessed and happened to be accurate). My friend bought me free drinks at swing, which I barely had time to consume because the invitations to dance rarely paused. Jo took me out for Mexican food on Wednesday and we watched "Pushing Daisies." The best part of all of this is none of them knew what had happened prior to seeing me. God saw how I was punishing myself: not eating, not sleeping, allowing the stress to invite the bleeding to return. He decided to send me comfort and I couldn't be more grateful. Walking around carrying guilt for reasons I didn't know was emotional torture for 96 hours. If I did something to upset him so much to storm out and drive away, shouldn't I know what it was? How horrible of a girlfriend was I for being so oblivious? The answer was easy: it had nothing to do with me. I knew that all along, but I just could not begin to assume what the real issue could possibly be. When he finally called at quarter to midnight last night, I had my own bone to pick with him.         Watch The Film   Blood    12:39pm 23/10/2007   On the couch. On the bathroom floor. On the toilet. In the sink. In the shower. On the wall. In my bed. In my car. On the rug. On all of my clothes. On my hands. On my legs. Every half hour. For five days. Make it stop. Please.         8 Reviews | Watch The Film   Gratitude    07:13pm 22/10/2007   When I got sick over the weekend, it caused me to cut short the last day I was able to spend with my friend Brandon before he moved to Colorado. I missed out on Gallery Night. I was miserable during the entire video shoot for the equine documenraty I am shooting up north. I lay immobile and anti-social at Tim's housewarming party. I barely made it through brunch with friends on Sunday. Yesterday I got a flat tire, and tomorrow I have to drive all the way home in order to see a doctor that is covered by my health insurance (which expires at the end of the year). I still don't have a job, I don't have any energy, and I don't have any more energy to search for a job. And yet, all it took to cheer me up was a simple moment last night while watching Sunday Night Football. After Ryan drove me home prematurely from the party because he was worried about how I was feeling, after shouting "I LOVE YOU!" ove the sounds of me making dinner, after he did all my dishes so I could rest, and after he changed my flat tire, he held me close as we lay on the couch and whispered "This is so nice," in my ear. Today I sent him to work with leftovers for lunch, along with a piece of pumkin pie and a note that read I am so grateful for you! =)         1 Review | Watch The Film   For Reals    10:52am 18/10/2007   "I went in to find you, and this girl in the produce section had her back to me. She had red hair, a cute trench coat, and a great ass... and I thought to myself, 'Damn, she's hot.' Then you turned around and I realized I was looking at my own girlfriend." ~ Ryan, when meeting me to go grocery shopping yesterday morning         Watch The Film

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