| Damnit | |||
| 07:56pm 25/06/2008 | |||
| I really wish someone would answer their phone. I really need to talk to somebody and I can't seem to get a hold of anyone. | |||
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| Horoscopes Are Believable When They're Right | |||
| 10:31am 21/06/2008 | |||
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"Get out try and something new today! Explore a different neighborhood with your loved one, taking time to check out any shops and a cafes that interest you. It's fun to play tourist in your own city." That's exactly what we're doing! Today, Ryan and I are having a picnic for two in the local park. We've also discussed trying a new restaurant in the area, and even touring the Miller Park Brewery. Tonight we're going dancing at Hot Water, since a friend of ours is going to perform there. Tomorrow I was invited to play volleyball at the beach before I drive home for my sister's 21st birthday. I don't trust anyone else to drive her around and look after her but me. Wish me luck on that one. |
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| One Day, I'll Catch Up | |||
| 09:00am 14/06/2008 | |||
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It's been so busy around here that I actually forgot about this thing. I need to write about the dance competition, our housewarming party, and developments at work. Unfortunately, I am about to leave for home this weekend to spend Father's Day and my mom's birthday with my family. Hopefully I get to see some friends, too. I don't know how long it will take to get home, since the massive flood waters have shut down over thirty miles of the Interstate. Officials have rerouted everyone through Beloit, but I'm going to see if I can't find my own way. In the meantime, how does one wrap a cake pan that molds batter into a giant cupcake? I think I'll opt for a gift bag. |
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| Dave Gahan is Dreamy | |||
| 08:00pm 23/05/2008 | |||
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After a hectic few weeks at work, I finally get to relax in New York City for a few days. Back in February, I surprised him with tickets to a Yankees game (complete with airfare and hotel accommodations) for Valentine's Day. To show his gratitude, he's taking me out to a really nice dinner Saturday night, and to the Museum of Modern Art on Sunday (though we'll have to view it the "express" way since the game starts in the early afternoon). Mostly we'll be relaxing by the pool or stuffing our faces with yummy local food. I can't wait to hit up that bakery in Greenwich Village that I love so much. I can't remember what it's called, but it's on Bleeker Street. Then next weekend, Ryan performs in his "Dancing With The Stars" competition in Sheboygan, and he got me a free ride to that. I get a rockin' hotel room, free meals, and a ticket to the sold out show. Oh! And Brandon came to visit me this week. Six hours with such a good friend only every six months is not enough (That means you too, Katrina!). |
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| Area Rugs and ADD | |||
| 08:21pm 07/05/2008 | |||
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I have no idea which color would be best for an area rug in a living room with peach colored walls (not my choice) and burgundy furniture. Black and white? Red and grey? Cadet blue? Who knows. Ryan and I have started our rug fund, which is a giant plastic box full of change. So far we've got about fifty bucks. It'll be our first big tandem purchase. Anything to replace the duct tape currerntly holding down our speaker wires. Otherwise, the house is pretty much settled in. The office leaves something to be desired, as it is currently a catch-all for the boxes Ryan gradually brings over from his old apartment. And despite mostly minor differences (like his forgetting to put the toilet lid down) we've been adjusting to life together rather well. He did neglect to tell me that he was going out one night and I lay awake until the wee hours, panicked when he wouldn't answer his phone. It turns out it was his former co-worker's birthday, so he and a few guys went out for a drink and Ryan crashed at his old place. At first, he didn't understand why I was livid the next morning. He had told me he'd be home "later" and claimed that's exactly what happened. I countered that the next morning was not what one would assume when told "later." Then, the other day, we discussed renting something from the video store. We were packing up some more boxes at his old apartment and he said he'd follow me in his car. He got halfway down the driveway when he remembered to get the mail. After that, he completely forgot about the video store and drove to our house, leaving me waiting in the "New Releases" aisle. I'm determined more than ever to understand his ADD. While the condition explains his behaviors, it doesn't excuse them. Knowing that he's struggled with this for some time does not grant him amnesty when he hurts someone's feelings. I used to react with hostility, because deep down I always felt like he'd try a little bit harder to avoid hurting me with his forgetfulness... that I would somehow be an exception. I need to accept that there IS no exception, and to offer polite reminders instead of nagging ones. I've always been willing to be patient with him. I just need to know that he wants to work with me on it instead of relying on me to remember where his keys are, where he put that paperwork, to put his dishes in the dishwasher, to make the bed, to pick up cereal he spills on the floor. He will literally be in the middle of a task and think of something else he has to do, so he drops his current activity and moves on to the next one. Pretty soon, several half-done tasks are lying around. Then he gets overwhelmed with all there is to clean up and doesn't know where to start. My family and friends get irritated with a lot of his actions. When I complain about having to remind him of this or I had to clean up that, they assume he is lazy or taking me for granted. I know his disorder is a very real condition, but there are methods to better work through the forgetfulness and the short attention spans. The truth is, he may never get better. I need to stop trying to change his ADD and instead learn about it so I don't take his actions personally anymore. If he sees me trying, he will try. He always does... eventually. |
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| I'm Back! | |||
| 07:51pm 25/04/2008 | |||
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I've moved into my new home. The Internet is finally connected. I now live with Ryan and I couldn't be happier about it. Our church friends are pressuring us to get married. My job is finally ordering a video server and an Apple computer editing station. Dad was hospitalized with chest pains the other day and had to undergo emergency heart surgery. I went to work the next day and cried, so my supervisor Brian bought me a cookie. Ryan tried to cheer me up and took me to a Brewer game, where we were nearly struck by a foul ball. Thunderstorm weather is here and I like to watch the lightning from my new front porch. I hope my friends aren't angry with my long absence and silence, because I miss all of you but I just can't keep my eyelids open. |
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| 1 Review | Watch The Film | |||
| Busy | |||
| 09:19am 29/03/2008 | |||
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It's been a hectic week, but I've enjoyed most of it (save the lack of sleep). Here's a recap: - Monday, I shot footage with the superdelegate after work at the Milwaukee Democratic Party meeting. It reminded me of attending a school board meeting... on the one Monday I didn't have to! - Tuesday I went into work very early so I could leave by noon. Christie and Erin came to visit, and we had a scrumptious lunch at the Cheesecake Factory before shopping and seeing the Bodyworlds exhibit at the museum. I'd wanted to see that for some time, and I'm so glad I did. For those who haven't seen it or don't know what it is, it's fascinating. And it was great to see the girls again. One of the few reasons I miss going back home is because of them (family obviously being the other). They left in the evening and I went swing dancing with Ryan. He followed me home and we relaxed with a glass of wine. - Wednesday I was up early again because Ryan had to get up for a job interview. Technically, he already has the job, but this was to go over some parameters for the position and to fill out some paperwork. I went into work to find that my new computer had arrived! He's a bright, shiny silver iMac and his name is Alex (named after the speech recognition system I chose for him). Sadly, I couldn't play with it right away; I drove to the dance studio where I used to work and finished fixing an error in one of the wedding videos in exchange for paying off Ryan's remaining $300 debt on his laptop (I did this free of charge but in exchange for a lapdance from Ryan). Ryan came over to see my new computer and we enjoyed cheese and wine while watching late night television. Ryan also played a lot of guitar, including a song that goes, "K is for Awesome, E is for Awesome, L is for Awesome, S is for Sexy, I is for Awesome... What does that spell? Awesome awesome awesome sexy awesome Kelsi!" - Thursday, Ryan made breakfast... a nice change of pace. Then I worked some more before meeting with the superdelegate to shoot his college student government meeting. I met a writer from Details Magazine named Ian who was really cool. He was also doing a piece on Jason (the superdelegate) and was in Milwaukee from New York City. After the cold, snowy shoot (the snow won't STOP!), I intended to meet Ryan for a celebratory drink at the Mason Street Grill, but Marcell wasn't playing piano that night so we adjourned to my house for cheese and wine and "Nip/Tuck." - Friday morning, I made waffles for breakfast. Ryan left for his last day of work at Fred Astaire and I went to my respective job. Yesterday, I also joined a gym. I've lost 23 pounds on my own but have since hit a plateau. The club has a swimming pool and a sauna... two huge selling point for me. Now I can swim year-round! The club is about ten blocks from work and about twenty-five blocks from home. I plan on going three days a week after work (Mondays are board meetings and Tuesdays is swing dancing) and one day on the weekend. - Today (Saturday), I'm driving to IKEA to buy some things for our new house, then working out at the gym before finally relaxing the first time all week with a cup of tea and a movie. Tomorrow is church, which should be interesting considering the cat's out of the bag about Ryan and me living together. Then Ryan and I are off to a hockey game before celebrating his freedom from the job he's hated for the better part of six years. |
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| Finalizing | |||
| 08:40pm 17/03/2008 | |||
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Last Tuesday, my former co-workers Victor and Erick appeared at swing dancing, and some of their students were there as well. They were a middle-aged couple who had recently become engaged, and they were both extremely wealthy. My association with the instructors made me eligible for shots of high-end tequila and free chocolate martinis. Once I introduced Ryan to the couple, he was getting free drinks as well. It wasn't long before we were all explaining our connections and laughing and celebrating. The man, Tom, asked if I was going to watch Ryan perform at the dance show this weekend. I said that I wasn't going because they charge admission and I'm saving for our new house. By the end of the night, Tom was slurring badly and claiming to buy me a ticket. I drove up north to work on a documentary about the nation's youngest superdelegate (who happens to be from Wisconsin). I stayed in a nice motel in a small town, doing laps in the pool I had to myself and watching "Iron Chef" in my cozy bed. Tom called me while I was there, telling me he'd boght the ticket and would I like to join his family for dinner beforehand? I couldn't believe he was sober enough to recall saying anything Tuesday night, so I was thrilled to know I'd see Ryan in his final performance with the dance studio. I drove the five hour trek back to Milwaukee on Friday night and danced with my friend Tania at a local club hosting Eighties' Night. Saturday morning I dragged myself out of bed and met Ryan at the bank to sign the lease and officially made the house ours to rent. Tom's daughter Erin picked me up and brought me to the mall, where we met up with Tom and his fiancée, Allie. After a little shopping, we went to a Cajun restaurant and I had some delicious Mahi Mahi. Finally we arrived at the performance. Ryan only danced in two numbers, but I made my presence known to him even from the balcony, shouting "GO J.R.!" at the top of my lungs (his stage name at the studio is Jack Ryan). I ran into many of my former co-workers, including Vanina and her baby girl Eva, whom I hadn't seen since she had no teeth. She waved at me and tried to say "Hola." It was adorable. Ryan came up to the balcony to see me, but was strictly professional, even when Ludmilla was shouting to him in her thick Russian accent: "Ryan! Look at her! She is beautiful! She has best skin in world. Do you know this? She has lost weight, she look amazing! Tell her every day! Don't be an idiot!" Later, Tom and Allie took me out for drinks afterwards and we had a blast. I didn't pay one cent the entire evening. Sunday I sat alone in church, sad that Ryan didn't sit next to me after finishing his ushering job. He later admitted that he was talking to our friend Steve in the back room. Steve was the first of our church friends Ryan told about our living together. Steve was supportive of our decision, even if it wasn't something he would have done personally. I was glad that Ryan wasn't shy about telling our friends anymore, that he wasn't fearing judgement or criticism for something that is going to make both of us happy. I made lunch for us and he taught a quick lesson before coming back and crashing on my couch. He talked to me about the depression he'd experienced for so ling in his job, having no motivation to make a living because he had nothing to work for. Now, he says he can't wait to go to work so he can earn some money, and he looks forward to going to the home he'll soon have even more. "I told Steve today, when he asked if we had ever discussed engagement or marriage, that if I had the money I'd go out and get you a ring right now. I would. I'll get there. I'm changing my life: new job, new home, new outlook on things... God is really on my side right now." |
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| Update | |||
| 09:03pm 11/03/2008 | |||
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I don't find it enjoyable when a lingering cough is still so intense after four weeks that it causes me to vomit. Once or twice a day I have uncontrollable coughing fits where I can't catch my breath, my heart rate spikes, and I begin to gag. This evening after dinner I actually threw up while trying to pry open a bag of cough drops. I've tried every approach: cough medicine, cough drops, prescription strength cough suppressants, tea, no dairy products, steamy showers, Vicks, and even seeing a doctor. She gave me a nasal spray that caused me to enter a state of depression. The flushing handle broke on my toilet the other night and I had a nervous breakdown, so I stopped using the medicine after that. Oddly enough, Ryan has still stayed over almost every night, willing to endure my coughing when it strikes at night (or early in the morning). He was also supportive after my biopsy to remove and test the abnormal cell development detected in my earlier exam. The results should be in within the next few days. On a happy note, the house is officially ours. Ryan and I sign the lease this Saturday, and I can begin to move my boxes over in two weeks. I move in mid-April, and Ryan will follow when his lease ends. He gave his notice at Fred Astaire, so he won't be an instructor there after the month of March. He already has a job at a private studio lined up, along with part-time work at Danceworks. He's also participating in a local production of Mad Hot Ballroom and one for Dancing With The Stars in Sheboygan. He's still choreographing a dance for our friend Grace to perform, and she pays him well. It will be a stressful transition, but I'm confident he can pull it off. He says he's so excited to change his life and finally begin living up to his potential (he must have heard that from me). He'll "finally have something and someone to work for, instead of just living to get by." |
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| Home, Sweet Home | |||
| 08:23pm 05/03/2008 | |||
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Many of my lunch hours over the past few weeks were spent visiting apartment buildings with available space in the spring. Everything fell short of my expectations: no basement storage, too little kitchen space, bad neighborhood, etc. On Sunday, however, Ryan accompanied me on a visit to a place I saw advertised on Craigslist.com. The price was listed as high as our budget would allow, but I decided there was no harm in taking a look. The flat, which is the lower level of a house, belongs to a fairly young married couple who rents to the tenants above them. They decided to move to a home with more yard space for their dogs and rent their former home. The man gave us a tour of the house and couldn't have been much older than Ryan. It's hard to explain the feeling upon walking into that house. Ryan and I exchanged a look that suggested we both felt comfortable there. The positive vibes kept coming as we examined the amenities: an electric fireplace in the living room, a dining room with built-in china cabinet, a bathroom with an all-tile shower and stainless steel fixtures, a heated bathroom floor, a huge kitchen with new cabinets and appliances (including a dishwasher!), two bedrooms with one used as an office, basement storage with laundry hookups, garage space, a covered front porch, and a back yard. As soon as Ryan and got back into the car, Ryan said, "Dare I ask what you thought of it?" "It was nice. I liked it." "I more than liked it. I know it's on the pricey end of what I can afford, but I will make it happen. This place is everything I could want in a house. I'd be so proud to come home here. It's be some extra work, but I'm going to do it." He took my hand, and I let out a big sigh of relief. We filled out and returned the applications within a day. Pending the background checks, the place is ours. It's three minutes from my work, and ten minutes from Ryan's future job. That's right, Ryan's actually quitting his job at Fred Astaire. He'll be teaching lessons at a private studio, and working part-time somewhere that offers health coverage. He's already booked 5 hours of lessons on Saturday, as well as a few hours of baby-sitting, to cover his share of the security deposit. He told me that moving into this house with me was enough to cause him to "get my act together. I can't work in a dead-end job anymore. I need to work somewhere that makes me happy, that will provide for us and our future." I will move in mid-April. Ryan will begin moving his stuff in shortly after, but won't become a resident until the summer, since he can't get out of his other lease until August. In the meantime, I'll be paying the full rent for the new place since I will be the only tenant, so I've set aside the money for my new flat-screen TV for rent instead. It always gets worse before it gets better, but in these tight money times, our relationship has never been stronger. Ryan's stepfather even joked that we should just get married so Ryan would have health coverage for free. Ryan said I deserve a better reason for marriage than that. |
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| Farewell, Mr. Favre | |||
| 10:53am 04/03/2008 | |||
| You were like a member of our family... and EVERY family in the state of Wisconsin. Enjoy your well-deserved retirement. | |||
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| 10:54am 21/02/2008 | |||
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My doctor called today with the results of my routine exam. My pap came back abnormal, citing "irregular cell development in the cervix." I've been vaccinated for the HPV strains that are sexually transmitted, but there are over 100 types of the virus, ranging from skin warts to cervical cancer. I tested positive as an individual who is at high risk for contracting more serious forms of HPV, so I am scheduled for a more thorough examination in early March. It's not good news by any means, but I must say I'm a little relieved. I've always known there wasn't something quite right about my reproductive system, and now a questionable discovery has been acknowledged by a physician. Maybe now I can finally be formally diagnosed with something so it can be treated. If it does turn out to be a more serious form of HPV, it's been caught at an early stage, so I'm confident it won't evolve into anything like cervical cancer. My mother, sister, and aunt have all had abnormal test results, so I guess it's just another average event for my family. To make this clear, I do NOT have an STD. I'm not contagious, I'm not diseased, and I'm not in any pain. 80% of all women contract at least one form of this virus in their lifetime, but it usually clears up on its own (for example, if you've ever had a wart, you have the virus in your system). Like other members of my family with this, I'm a case the doctor wants to keep an eye on so I can be treated immediately if changes occur. |
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| The Best Thing | |||
| 09:59pm 18/02/2008 | |||
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Being so sick for over a week was a nightmare. My throat initially hurt so much that I couldn't swallow food. After seeing a doctor and having medications prescribed, I reacted to the pills and couldn't keep anything down. My weight and my energy dwindled. I missed day after day of work. Ryan's mother drove thirty minutes to pick up my prescription and bring it to me. Two friends from church, Shelley and Allison, stopped by on different days to bring me juice, soup, tea, Sprite, and get-well balloons. Ryan said he felt helpless tied up at work, but I felt that even if he had the time, he would have been too afraid to see me in case he got sick as well. After I called him on it, he cancelled his evening obligations to come over and make me a grilled cheese sandwich. It was the first food I kept down in two days. He stayed with me, even braving my illness enough to share the bed, only to awaken to me rushing into the bathroom to vomit. He didn't come to my aide, probably because he didn't know what to do. I had no problem telling him. "I really need you to step up and be the man and take care of me right now. I hate that I can't care for myself, but after all the patience and support I've shown you I hope you can return the favor now that I really need it." He stepped up, and he was the man. He called to check in on me when he was at work, and he came over each night to be with me. While it was difficult for him to understand how he could possibly be useful when he couldn't actually heal me, I assured Ryan that his presence was enough to calm me down. Knowing I wasn't left to my own devices and that I was in the company for someone who really cared for me was of tremendous benefit. Ryan promised to make me a Valentine dinner as soon as I was well, and that the Sunday after his competition was going to be a day with just the two of us. After church next weekend, he is taking me out to lunch. Then we're going to the Discovery World Museum (a place I've never been), then bowling, then finally home to relax on my couch and watch a movie before he makes me dinner again. I went home this past weekend, eagerly awaiting my lovely Sunday dinner from Ryan. I got to see Christie on her birthday, and she invited me to dine with her family. It felt good being part of a sense of togetherness again, after being quarantined all alone in my apartment for so long. My parents were doting, almost to the point of being sickening when I made efforts to leave Sunday morning during a snow storm. Mom actually sobbed and held me close, pleading me not to go. My dad insulted my intelligence because of my decision, claiming that I lacked all common sense. Somehow things righted themselves before I left. I even got to see little Keagan for a few hours. Ryan gushed a sigh of relief when I told him I was back in the area. He knew the roads had been very unpleasant, and that the commute had taken almost twice the time it normally does. He picked me up and we visited the grocery store to pick up items for dinner, then cuddled on my couch for hours. He just held me close, happy to have me home and well. He even have me a Valentine card that played "As Time Goes By," and inside he wrote: "To put it simple--- You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. Thanks for everything. I love you. Ryan." I had to help him with dinner, but afterwards I got a foot massage without even having to ask. And he hates feet! My feet aren't bad, but knowing that he voluntarily touched my feet despite his abhorrence of them in general was quite meaningful. That's true love right there... foot-touching. |
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| Bi-Polar Weekend | ||||
| 07:59pm 04/02/2008 | ||||
After paying a very expensive towing fee, Ryan took me home so he could go teach a lesson in Waukesha. He suggested I take a bubble bath to relax and that it would cheer me up. I decided that giving him his Valentine's Day gift early would lift me up even more, so with his permission, I gave it to him. He was surprised when I only handed him a card. Inside the card was a small riddle, and before giving him too much time to think about it, I handed him a seating chart with Yankee Stadium, with our seats circled on it. He literally jumped when he gasped for joy. His first words when he finally spoke were in a shocked, wide-eyed whisper: "I get to see the house that Ruth built." Yankee Stadium is being demolished after this year, and Ryan had expressed a desire to see it, but knew he could never afford the trip. I bought cheap seats, but I also had to pay for the airfare and hotel accommodations. Ryan had no complaints. In fact, he was in utter shock at my generosity. His reaction was worth every cent. "This is the best thing anyone's every done. You keep outperforming yourself. How am I supposed to match that?" "You know what I want for Valentine's Day? A card. A nice card, with stuff written in it." "Oh, don't worry, you'll get your card." At church the next day, Ryan told everyone we knew about my present to him. He even told his dance students. The unanimous reaction consisted of two parts: "That's awesome! Hang on to her; she's the best girlfriend ever," and "How on earth are you going to match that?" I didn't do it to show off or to be matched. In fact, Ryan had asked me why I did it, and my response was, "Because it's important to you, so it's important to me." That afternoon, however, Ryan did "thank" me for two and a half hours before we went to Tim's Super Bowl party. Then I got to indulge in good food and good company while watching the Giants beat the cheating Patriots and that sore loser of a head coach Bill Belechick. Ryan drove us back to my apartment and we took turns showering before curling up into bed. He even told me that he'd spontaneously picked up a contact lens case and contact solution to keep at his house for me in case I ever need to stay there. That way, I'll never be without it. Ten hours of blissful and much needed sleep later, I made pancakes while Ryan made the bed and washed dishes. Then he drove me to work. I got a call from the body shop telling me the fuel pump in my car was bad and that parts and labor would total between $700 and $800. I felt sick. Fortunately, the tech talked to my dad, and my dad ordered the part and had it charged to him. Now I only have to pay a couple hundred dollars for labor. My supervisor Brian drove me home, and I can pick up my car tomorrow afternoon. Tomorrow night... MATCHBOX TWENTY CONCERT! |
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| Moving... Forward | |||
| 10:57pm 31/01/2008 | |||
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It looks as though I'll be relocating in the spring again. I haven't had problems with my current location; my landlord is very prompt and reachable, I feel safe here, and I have just the right amount of space for everything I need. Only now, there will need to be room for two people. Ryan asked me to move in to a new place with him when our leases expire this year. I had to give it some thought, because it was only recently that we had hit a rocky patch. However, I have decided to demonstrate grace and forgiveness, especially after seeing his transformation after almost losing me. Who hasn't screwed up? As long as the same mistakes aren't constantly repeated, people can change and adapt. He said he's looking at the longer picture, and that he decided a long time ago that I am who he wants to be with. Ryan admitted to me that the idea of it scares him a little, but he's also never been this happy. He raves about my support for him and how my positive attitude is what has pulled him through his financial hell. Now, he's making money giving lessons on the side, and his father offered to pay off the rest of Ryan's credit card debt so Ryan won't have to pay the interest. He only has to reimburse his dad when he can. That, plus moving in with me to save on rent costs, lifts a tremendous weight off his shoulders. I haven't seen him this cheery in a while. Last night, he took me out on a date. A date. I forgot what those were like! We went to the Pfister hotel and dined on appetizers, desserts, and wine while listening to live music. Then we adjourned to his apartment and looked at apartments in the area. We'll be going to some open houses this weekend before attending our friend Tim's Super Bowl party. Tomorrow, Ryan is on a bowling team with myself and some co-workers for a work event. He's actually been cutting down on his hectic schedule to spend more time with me. Almost everything about my current situation makes me happy. I really miss Baby, my cat. I know I haven't lived with her for years, but I still feel an emptiness knowing she'll never be there to greet me when I visit my parents. I'll never get to see her again, pet her again, hold her again. The last time I saw her alive, I knew it was goodbye, but I didn't spend much time with her because I couldn't stand looking at her in such a deteriorated state. As we drove away in my car that day, I told Ryan, "I think that's the last time I'll ever see my kitty, and it makes me sad." I am also irritated with this damn weather. Wind chill warnings, winter storms, whiteout conditions, ice patches... it sucks! I have to crank my thermostat and layer on the clothes in order to stay warm some nights... unless I can smuggle some body heat from Ryan. He's like a sauna in human form. I told my mom about the mere, and she gave me her blessing. She told me that she knows I give every major decision I make a lot of thought, and that she's confident that this is a good step for us. Ryan draws sketches of layouts for our future home and e-mails me ideas several times a day. I find myself searching for decorating tips in my spare time at work. I've got the moving-in bug. |
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| Baby | |||
| 11:29pm 26/01/2008 | |||
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I was at work when I got the call that you had died. I knew it was coming as soon as I was Mom's name on the caller ID. A light snow fell outside. I was planning to see you that night but you just couldn't hang on until I had a chance to say goodbye. When I lifted the lid and saw you, it looked as if you'd just fallen asleep. I felt like my entire childhood had died. I wanted you to wake up and acknowledge me like you always did when I saw you. I wanted you to live forever. When you were here you brought me such joy. You befriended me when no one else would. I held you and sobbed and told you how much I loved you. Then I said what I always did when we parted ways: "Goodbye Baby. I love you. I'll see you later." Thank you for never being judgmental. You were my best friend, my oldest friend. I'm in debt to you for your unconditional love... for everything. I will miss you terribly. Baby: The Best Cat In The World 08/13/92 - 01/25/08 |
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| From Ryan | |||
| 09:56am 18/01/2008 | |||
| Thanks for the letter. I am still in the transition phase of adjusting to this new money thing. It might only be temporary. I wish I had more time to spend with you. It's been rough getting used to working really late and to add things in my schedule that I was not used to before... more practice sessions and weekend affairs... It's a matter of getting a firm hold of everything and keeping it in order. I can't thank you enough for all of the help you have given me. The food is fantastic. Sometimes when you do things that are so above and beyond, the first thing in my mind is... "How on earth am I going ot make it up to her or return the favor?" I'm so used to balance so it's hard to be able to show you how much I really do care and appreciate everything you do for me. I am eating the mashed potato right now and it's killer. I am still looking into leaving Fred Astaire to make more money. My mind is just a hurricane of emotions with all of the changes that are going on. Some of them are just happening so fast... I can't wait to start with the kids at your school... that would be killer. Please let them know that I am interested in helping out ASAP. I do hope that good things come to me. I've just be too patient and now it's time for me to make a few changes. Thanks for all of your support. I love you. | |||
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| A Letter | |||
| 09:36pm 15/01/2008 | |||
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Hello, Tim. Thank you for the honest and heartfelt e-mail. Before having a chance to respond, I heard from Ryan, who told me that he and you are going to meet for a private conversation before we get together as couples. I wanted to acknowledge that I received your e-mail and have given it a lot of thought. I also want to thank you for being such a wonderful friend to Ryan, and I think it's a good idea that you two will be meeting. I'll leave the majority of what he decides to tell you up to him. Still, I feel compelled to extend my concern for him. Ryan is an emotional sponge, as many men tend to be. He absorbs his feelings of frustration, stress, anxiety and inferiority. I'd give myself too much credit if I said I could perceive this all on my own. Still, it has been obvious to me for some time that I've been kept at arm's length from him emotionally. It breaks my heart because I want nothing more than to be there for him. I feel like in the last couple of weeks our communication has improved, and I'm grateful for that, but I know I'm not enough for him. His struggles extend beyond my control and they demand a great deal of his attention. When tensions first began to arise between us, I was selfish in my objective to get what I wanted without considering what Ryan really needed at the time. I was running into a brick wall, thinking that if he could see my frustration with his emotional unavailability that he would remedy his ways and be what I wanted him to be. It took almost losing him to finally turn to God for guidance. That night I had a dream that filled me with a sense of calm and clarity. I know that behind Ryan's smile is an intense battle with his career situation, one that has been a priority over me. This bothered me for a long time. He's not in the same emotional position as I am in this relationship, and I've accepted that. I know that my love for him is unconditional, and that in these past few weeks I have never loved him more. The difficulties he has faced with finances and I that have faced with trust have only forced me to follow God's intentions and not my own. I have this overwhelming motivation to do everything I can to support Ryan, even if that means seeing him less and accepting that I am not and will probably never come before his work. His determination is so admirable, and I'm fascinated by his resilience every day. I worry, though, that he feels like a failure, that all he has done hasn't amounted to what he'd hoped for at this point. I also fear that he feels he has failed with me, partially due to my previous criticisms of him and partially because he can't afford to take me out on dates. I don't care about going on a damn date, and I can only wish I haven't made him think otherwise. Having him in my life is a tremendous blessing and I want him in it regardless if he can take me out to dinner or not. Just thinking about this makes me want to cry, because I want so badly for him to find a sense of peace and stability and acceptance and security. He is just such an extraordinary work of God. I've tried to tell him many times, especially lately, that I love him and cherish him for who he is, and that I don't have a desire to change him. He values work and financial stability more than I do, but I completely stand by him and support his efforts because I know that being financially secure is imperative for him to become satisfied with himself. I want him to see what I see, and what God sees. Even though it is a struggle for me, I have decided to completely trust him again, though I don't know what I wish I knew about what we've endured during our difficult times. I've been plagued with fleeting moments of paranoia that my trust has been violated again, and yesterday I had enough. While alone in my room, I yelled "STOP!" at the top of my lungs. I don't want such thoughts in my head anymore. I do trust him. I know he is a great man who doesn't intend to hurt anyone. The connections he has with others are of the utmost importance to him and he wouldn't blatantly attempt to disrupt that. Despite the wall Ryan has up between him and me, I know he cares for me. He's still trying to make this work and it's so commendable. It shows me what I've wanted to be sure of all along. I just hope he doesn't feel overwhelmed with trying to "keep the plates spinning" as he puts it, because I will always be here for him even when he doesn't have a lot of time for me. He is my best friend and the love of my life, and was the only constant for me when I went through a year of hell. God sent him to me so that I could find God. How do I thank someone for something like that? Ryan has been my rock, my Superman every day... even if he doesn't realize it. I wish I could thank him for everything by returning the favor. I've had the privilege of seeing some of the metaphorical bricks come down from the wall, and it makes me happier than I can put into words. I already know that I love and respect whoever he is behind that wall. I want to be the person that wall comes down with. Still, he needs someone to confide in other than me. He needs to be able to talk to someone about things he can't discuss with me. I'm grateful for your friendship with him. You and Allison are both very dear to my heart. If you can, please remind him of the richness in his life and that great things are in store for him because his heart is with the Lord. I hope I haven't made you feel pressured to be anything other than the amazing friend you already are for him. It's easier for me to be able to confide in friends who are fellow followers of Christ, especially two great people who are openly sharing their own relationship struggles with me. I apologize for the long-winded and possibly incoherent structure of this letter, but I just really treasure your opinion and value the listening ear you give to Ryan. He deserves every ounce of happiness that comes his way. God bless, Kelsi |
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| An Expensive Mistake | |||
| 09:08pm 29/12/2007 | |||
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For Christmas and our one year anniversary, Ryan bought me a very nice shoulder bag to take to work. Before that I'd told him I felt like a frumpy college student, lugging my thin duffel bag around. He said he took his time searching for the right one, and his choice was made by the fact that this one "Opens like an old-fashioned doctor's bag." Inside the bag was a battery-operated speaker system for my iPod. He said now I could listen to my music at work. He'd remembered that I'd mentioned I had no radio and did all of my editing, programming, and office work in a boring silence. So far, the gifts were very thoughtful and I was beaming. I hadn't asked him for any of these things and he got them for me anyway, knowing that I could certainly use them. All I'd asked for was a romantic evening and some jewelry. He told me the evening is still happening in the near future and that he's currently reading the cookbook I got him for dinner ideas. I then peered inside the bag and found the third gift: a set of three pairs of very nice earrings. Less than an hour later, we were at the store returning the earrings. The woman helping us asked Ryan, "Didn't she like them?" "Oh no, they're very lovely," I said, "but I don't have my ears pierced, so I can't wear them." "Oh we can do that for you here!" "No thanks, I actually have a phobia about getting my ears pierced. Long story that dates back from childhood." The woman looked at me and paused for a moment. I'm sure she was glancing at my ears to validate my statement. She then turned to Ryan again. "How long have you two been together?" "One year to the day," I replied with a tight-lipped smile. The woman at the counter and her two associates began to snicker. One of them burst into full-out laughter. Ryan turned a bright shade of crimson and said "Be quiet! I hate all of you." The woman tried to suppress her giggles. "Would you like store credit?" After getting the receipt, Ryan walked me over to the jewelry counter and told me to pick out something I wanted. My eyes instantly fixated on a necklace with an aquamarine teardrop pendant. It was small and simple and modest-looking, but well over what Ryan had paid for the earrings. Still, he insisted I get it... probably because he felt like an ass for forgetting that his girlfriend doesn't have pierced ears and for being ridiculed by the customer service ladies. I happily left the store with a beautiful necklace and Ryan treated me to lunch. He told me, "I hadn't initially expected to pay as much as I did for your gift, but you're worth it. I could tell you really liked it. And buying you lunch is the least I could do for not remembering about your ears." I chose not to rub it in. "I'm over it. But let this be a lesson to you," I said coyly. "Maybe you'll remember this day and be a little more observant now." And save some money in the process. |
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| 5 Reviews | Watch The Film | |||
| Eve | |||
| 11:54am 24/12/2007 | |||
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I went to bed Tuesday night thinking my relationship was in shambles. Ryan knew I was mad; why wouldn't he talk to me? I woke up after sleeping for an hour and felt an incredible sense of calm and clarity. I text messaged him telling him I wanted to talk but that I wasn'tmad anymore. Right away I got a response. I went to his house and told him that I'd realized something: I had been acting disrespectful of his work hours and his choice of occupation in general. I didn't mean it that way, but I hadn't really shown my support for him. I told him that I had been so wrapped up in my own point of view that I hadn't realized how my words and actions were being interpreted, nor was I really taking him into consideration. Ryan replied by telling me that when I leave him an angry voicemail, the last thing he wants to do is call me. So here I am apologizing, and he's being immature and telling me he intentionally avoids conflict. It was very hard not to criticize him, but I had made a pact with myself not to do that today. He was ready for me to pick him apart, to tell him what he was doing wrong. I let him vent, then asked him what he thought of what I'd just told him about my little epiphany and my desire to change my approach. He again told me how wrong I had been to blow things out of proportion over the past few days, and I again redirected him to the fact that I was voluntarily making amends. It was a very long and difficult conversation. It started out with Ryan being noticably angry and unwilling to back down, even though I wasn't arguing with him. I told him that I loved him and admired his hard work even if he doesn't get the financial compensation that he deserves for it. I said that I respect him for sticking it out, and that I didn't say things like that enough even though I meant them. I pointed out the err of my ways and noted that while it is a two-way street when it comes to resolving conflict, I am willing to work on my apporach to arguments in a more productive manner. I asked him if he loved me and if he was willing to work on the relationship with me. He said he didn't know if he even had time for a relationship right now, that he didn't know if he could give me what I need, that he wasn't sure what love meant anymore, and that he couldn't give me an answer right away. I tried very hard not to cry, but what he said crushed me completely. We sad in silence, me sniffling and him staring straight ahead, for a long time. Finally, I looked at him and waited for himt o make eye contact. Then, I said, "You ARE what I need. What I need is you. My love for you is unconditional, and despite when we have arguments, you make me happy. I want to be the one to make you happy, but if it's not me, then it's not me. I will give you the space you want and I won't bother you. I just want you to do what is best for you and will make you happy. It would hurt me tremendously, but I would step back." His expression softened a little. He held my hand and said he still wanted to go to the waterpark resort with me, and hoped that a change of scenery and a break from the stresses of work would help clear his head. "We'll see how it goes," he said. Then he walked me to my car and kissed me goodbye. Well, aside from not knowing whetherhe even loved me or not, the conversation went pretty well. Thursday morning, Ryan drove to my apartment and I let him open his Christmas presents hand have some cereal before we left for the Dells. Ryan said to be on the lookout for my gift (I asked him to do something romantic for me, and I guess he still plans on doing that). There was major traffic congestion on the Interstate, so I grabbed a map and helped him navigate around the traffic jam, Ryan suddenly emerged from his shell, as though the slight sense of adventure brought him out of his funk. It's hard to explain the change in his demeanor; it was just there. We arrived and checked into our room: a massive king size bed and jacuzzi faced a flat screen television in a room that boasted high ceilings and a gorgeous glass shower. After changing into our swimsuits, we ran down to the waterpark. It was suprisingly dead in there, and we never had to wait in line. We hopped on ride after ride, practiced surfing in the wave pool, and lounged in the lazy river. It was as though the last three days of hell had never happened, but I was wary to fall back into comfort. We relaxed in the room before going out to a nice dinner. Then we cuddled in bed and watched a movie, and Ryan told me he loves me. The next morning, we checked out and Ryan took all my bags to the car. We dropped his vehicle off at my dad's shop for a tune-up and I drove him to my parents' house in my car. We relaxed and watched "Love Actually" and his award-winning dance competition from October. He spent the night, and he helped my dad wash the garage floor, plow the driveway, and repair the snowmobiles. He brought me a glass of wine and some water while the family was watching a movie. He gave me a neck massage and let me use him as a pillow. In the morning, I woke up with his arm around me and him saying, "Good morning! You're so cute!" The morning before we talked, I had prayed that Ryan not be taken away from me. I woke with the realization that we were both waiting for the other person to treat us with more respect before we returned the favor. I decided to take the initiative and, by accepting responsibility for my shortcomings in recent events and not focusing on his errors, he did exactly what I ahd rpedicted: he came around and is now treating me with the respect I deserve. Will it last long term? We shall see. I look forward to observing the progress. In the meantime, I'm going to have a Merry Christmas and a happy anniversary after all. To be continued... |
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