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[21 Nov 2009|04:26pm] Joey's birthday. He's going ice-skating with Kyle and Kayla. i was supposed to go with them, but i got a call from my mom saying that my grandma went into respiratory arrest (whatever that means) and she's in the hospital. Aunt carm is here to pick me up post comment

[21 Nov 2009|03:54am] "In your little white wicker chair Unsuspicious nobody cares for you You’re so fucked up again You laugh at nothin’ in the pouring rain Try to tell yourself you’re not insane You fool, I hate you sometimes Hey, you know it ain’t coincidental that you’re lost in place It’s drippin’ off your face, and you’re losin’ your precious mind Send me a postcard if you get that far You got a couple pennies in your rusty jar The truth you’ve been gone for awhile It’s hard lookin’ at you when you look that way With your one night stands and your sleep all days Ooh you’re such a slut sometimes Hey, you know it ain’t coincidental that you’re lost in place It’s drippin’ off your face, and you’re losin’ your precious mind You’re losing your mind" post comment

work bullshit is occupying my mind.i [21 Nov 2009|01:01am] Wearing ripped jeans and a scarf reminds me of high school. "i remember you.. so remember me.. as i was back then.. in my ripped blue jeans. moments ago.. it seems to me.. that we were just kids in a memory" i look kind of hot. But i feel so fat. i'm so determined to be the great manager and make Deonna be happy about staying that i ate Domino's lol. Tom told us that he eaves-dropped on Dee and Cristin talking.. and Joy gave her two weeks. i love how i'm not informed of anything. Lewis might even get the assistant manager job. i'll be pissed if he gets it. i mean, i'm not planning on sticking around forever, but i DO give a damn, and i've been a slave for over two years.. the least they could do is make me official full time.. get me a raise and some better paid days off. Not like i'd use them if it wasn't convenient anyway. Hopefully, i'll leave by August, and he can have the job. If i felt more appreciated, i might try a little harder. I was so excited for Dee to leave, i wanted to see what it would be like if Joy was "general Joy" (as Jeremy would say) again. Plus, i feel like Joy is the only one of them that truly appreciates me. I mean, Cristin and Dee love the fact that i'll come in early or stay late, or cover or switch with them in general. But from the get-go.. Joy understood me. Cristin and i went to get coffee and breakfast about a week ago. Neen started working at my store.. weird.. but we needed people. i asked Cristin how it went the day before, cause Neen was supposed to fill out paperwork. She said Neen seemed nervous, but she was pissed that Joy was working. Because she scares away the new people. She even said that she thinks Cassandra stopped showing up because she worked with Joy lol. I think out of everybody lately, i had the least traumatizing "joy" experience. I started working, greeting being my training experience. Because i actually read the training manual.. i was suspicious of everyone. It was maybe my third day.. and i went up to Dee and said "Who is that lady? And why is she here all the time? She can't just be shopping!" That's when Dee said "That's Joy! I never introduced you two?" She was polite, said hello, then got back to work. I was actually recommended to my store by a "friend", Alex. She wasn't maliscious on purpose, she was actually really nice to me. She just hooked up with Dane and Frank both.. and was best friends with Sue.. the girl Dane cheated on me with.. and didn't like the fact that Frank wasn't available when she came home from school one winter. She actually gave him a warning that i was known for "being completely into a man, then losing interest like that." But she gave me the best advice i could have gotten: "That's just Joy. She doesn't hate you. She's just not sure if she trusts or likes you yet." Later that week, Joy gave me a ride home. Cause i was living right on River Road.. and we closed together. She told me not to mind the fork in her car. She told me she brought pasta to work tlast week, and didn't have a fork.. So she ate it with her fingers. Now she keeps a fork in her car. I got home, Alex came over sometime soon afterwards, and i told her what Joy told me... and still asked if she was sure that Joy didn't hate me. Alex goes: "JOY TOLD YOU THAT SHE ATE PASTA WITH HER HANDS?! i think she'd probably want you to keep that a secret. But wow, she likes you" Joy is probably the most germaphobic persom i've ever met. i figured that out later. EVERYONE thinks Joy hates them. People just handle it differently. idk how long i can stick around without her. Lewis is new and so slow.. and by the book (HE COUNTS THE EXTRA REGISTER!).. and salesman-like. When someone walks in the store.. we're supposed to greet them and inform them of the current promotion. Cheesy, yes. But generally, it's where the "weekend days off" brownie points really come into play. My average greeting: "Hey guys! Hows it goin? Just to let you know, all the jeans are on sale today for $29.99 and less!" Lewis's greeting: "Hello folks, and welcome to DKNY Jeans. All of our denim is $29.99, and our sweaters are at the same price." It seriously ticks me off. We don't make commission, and i don't want our customers to think that we do. He sounds like we're in the business of cars, houses, and life insurance. No.. we sell sweaters and jeans. The only time that i do a good job, is when i treat the customers as friends, and not as potential money. post comment

[20 Nov 2009|01:21am] When my mom started talking, i thought she died. She's still alive, but she stopped swallowing today. That's why my mom called me. She ate breakfast with my mom. But she didn't eat lunch. My mom went back for dinner, and made her eat a few forkfulls. A week from monday, she cried. She was looking at my mom, and she fucking cried. From both eyes. She knows she's dieing. And my mom called to ask if i thought she should tell her that it was okay.. and ask if i wanted to be there. My mom really pisses me off when she's drunk. i try talkiing about my grandma, and she talks about herself. Still, the woman is there for my grandma more than anyone, and she really deserves appraisal for it, that i haven't quite given to her yet. Well over a year ago, she was given 4 months to live. She was my biggest fan. My mom made sure to mention that in excess tonight. I was grandma's pride ad joy. Mom told me that i was what made her the happiest. Not only was i her favorite.. and closest grandchild.. i was also the daughter of her favorite, closest child, her baby. I have to do something good for myself. I have to make grandma proud. Also, she always said she'd be around to see me marry a good man. She was gonna give me away, rather than my dad.. My mom always thought she'd do it.. but grandma and i had prior arrangements. Grandma wanted to see me marry frank. But she still knew i was too complicated for that. One day. I'm going to let her slide on her promise. I always banked on it.. she wouldn't leave me alone. She wasn't gonna bail out without my aknowlegement. But she wants out, I have to promise that i'll be okay without her. I'm gonna do okay. Honestly, all that isn't even bugging me as much as thinking what she'd say about my joey life. I even said to Joey a few days ago "my grandma would probably really hate you if she knew you" Saturday is his birthday. I'm off. I want to be available all day. But i want to see my grandma. She takes priority over everything in my life. i love my grandma... and she knows how special i am. i need to tell her i'll be okay. i'll marry a guy like Frank (i hope to god its the real Frank), and i'm never going to end up with a man that hit me, like Joey. post comment

i just accidentally deleted my entry. i'm pissed. [19 Nov 2009|10:51pm] [ mood | contemplative ] Theres a homeless guy that stands outside of Hess. he asks for money and cigarettes. I call him my friend. It sterted a few months ago with a "do you think you could spare a cigarette?" here and there. i gave it to him of course. Then it stopped. i assume that he didn't want to abuse my kindness, or he was ashamed, or thought i might get mad. So i started asking if he needed one. One day, he said he had cigarettes, but could really use like a dollar. I gave it to him. He said he'd pay me back. i told him not to worry.. and maybe one day i'd ask him to buy me some beer if joey wasn't home. Since then, i gave him some change, and a dollar here and there. i figure.. if the man needs booze, i can understand that. One night, i was lonely. i think Joey was out fucking something. And i needed something from Hess. i walked down there, and he asked if i could spare some money. His doctor told him he could only really drink water, so he was trying to get a bottle of seltzer for some excitement. Obviously not an alcoholic. So i assumed crackhead, though most of the crackheads that i know don't care what their doctor says. I went home, grabbed by bowl and pot, and walked back.. and asked if he wanted to get high. i mean, sure.. he's a grown man.. and hiding out behind Hess probably isn't the safest thing to do with him.. but i trust him. Plus, i always have something i can use as a weapon. Yet, he said he doesn't smoke pot. i mean, i've known a crackhead or two that won't smoke pot, but he really doesn't fit the profile. One night, he told me he had just got a cell phone. We exchanged numbers, incase we ever needed eachother. After some time.. once i realized that he wasn't going anywhere, i stopped offering, and just talked to him when i saw him. Instead of saying "do you need a cigarette?" i replaced it with "hows it going tonight, man? everything okay?" He hasn't asked me for anything in a while. One night, i saw him as i was walking in.. and we said hello.. mentioned thwe weather, i asked if he was okay. He said he was fine. I walked out at the same time as this big black guy. Yet, the black guy turns to my friend, and reaches in his pocket, and hands my friend some chnge. The man says "it's only cause Michael Jackson is on the radio". He didn't ask me for anything. After the guy walked away, i asked "whats up, man? you need some money?" Last night, Joey and i pulled up to Hess, and i spotted him going through the ashtrays. I pretended i didn't know he was there on my way in. Kind of as an experiment. On my way out, i made my small talk.. including my question. He just stood there, said he was fine.He pretended he wasn't looking through the ashtrays til i left. I just went to hess a few minutes ago. He was there. I made my small talk with him on my way in. As i was leaving, i asked again "So, how is everything, man? Everything okay tonight?" He responds "well, i could really use a buck or something". I was legitly broke.. but i knew i had a dollar and some change in my coat pocket. i may have had another dollar in my wallet, maybe. i gave him the $1.35 in my coat. he thanked me, then said "i still owe you $5.50, now plus this. i'll have it for you on the first of the month" So what do i do when he tries to pay me back? i don't want it.. but i don't want him to think i'm loaded.. or too good for 7 bucks. Fuck.. my mom just called.. its about my grandma. i have to go post comment

[18 Nov 2009|11:45pm] [ mood | loved ] Fucking.. my life is in pieces.. but people have been great. Even Scott Berglin called me today. he said he missed me. He's dumber than rocks.. and by "misses".. he means that he wants to get fucked up and wants something funny to happen. But still.. he said he wants to chill and will even come pick me up one day for me to come party at his house. Ew.. i almost took a sip of joey's milk, thinking it was my rum & coke. I talked to Tony for a while last night. And i got to play man. I figured out the game plan and strategy. Now i know i'm nothing but a booty call and friend. i just needed to know that he felt the same. It was fun though. It was like 3 am and he was saying how he weas spoiled by me being down the street. i felt the need to say that i could understand, but couldn't relate. because i always had ass down the street. i just let myself in. into the house, into the bed. Joey was sleeping. I had a feeling that he wasn't into fucking me.. but idk.. i like him somehow. I started touching and playing with his dick and sucking it while he was sleeping. It got hard & he woke up, hard enough to make me want to jump on it. He started shifting.. i thought it was to get ready for fucking. It wasn't. He was going back to sleep. He wrapped himself around for me for a hot 5 minutes or so.. then i made him move. i grabbed my dilldo and went away at myself after my hurt feeling passed. i woke up at 8:30.. he was already gone by an hour.. and i played with myself again. and again. and again. Later, he asked me what i dreamed about. I thought it was a strange question.. i just figured i did something funny in my sleep. At my mom's. i'm guessing a holiday. i'm still with frank, but he's getting sick of me. My mom's kicking aunt lisa out, and making more rooms. i have a choice of what room i want. It feels like such an intense question. In the dream, there are two rooms in the basement (one a community fuck up room.. as the really old basement bedroom used to be) that i don't want at all.. another.. a "chill.. smoke pot and drink beer, and watch cable reruns and play video games" room. I'm somewhat partial to it. My mom's bedroom is still shared with my dad, however. Weird dream. No Scotty. Secretly, that's the room i want. Aunt lisa's room (the green room) is just bigger. Better bed, bigger closet, just real secluded from the rest of the house., also calling to me. The other room (the pink room) down the hall.. the room i spent the most years in.. I still couldn't get rid of it. Everything was in there. My closet connected to my first bedroom , and closet. Infinite possibilities. Plus, i got to see the social scene out my window. And met up with past friends that way, though not shannon. My roof became a balcony. Also, we got an attic. But that was also mine. And the hallway.. across from my bathroom, were two other bathrooms. Don't ask me why. i like showers when i'm dreaming, and i especially love masturbationg in them in my dreams. sadly, i also dreamt about having to take a test back at my high schoool. and i dreamt that i broke into dane's parents house again. idk why i always do that. sure he has a nice place.. but all i ever do is let myself in and try to not get caught. maybe do laundry. its gay. i also dreamt about black friday. And people not appreciating me. And going on vacation. I always dream about vacation. I'd love to find this place. I always dream about this water park. its nothing special. At all.. as a matter of fact.. i barely remember any dreams that i rode the rides. I always think i'm in the keys.. but someone always corrects me. Every time i dream about freedom, however, i have this dream that i'm on a raft. The water's rough.. and it's keeping me in place. i'll be fine. But i know i'm supposed to be somewhere else. I know i need something more. yet, i always lose someone i care about in that place. i'll be fine if i get through the drop. i even had a dream about the house we're living in. those always freak me out. We're always expanding the place, and Charlie and his dad, Chris, are always there. He asked. i wrapped it up quick.. then i asked what he dreamt about. His response: "when the alarm went off?? bunny." bunny is bri anna.. frank's little wsister. fuck my life. no wonder he wadsn't horny for me post comment

i owe facebook a friendship [18 Nov 2009|02:49am] wow.. so nicole and i are friends again i guess. idk what to say about it. i want to say that i just want to talk to her about and say everything, but its weird, because we haven't talked in so long. but she already said that. is it possible that we understand and respect eachother? tony is back from peurto rico. and apparently, he didn't sign off. gotta go. 4 comments|post comment

[11 Nov 2009|04:38pm] Kayla called the house to see if kyle was here. i said he wasn't. a little while later, joey called and asked. he's not. but apparently, kayla didn't believe me. she asked him to call. is that normal? 2 comments|post comment

[11 Nov 2009|08:17am] [ music | missed the boat - modest mouse ] fuck oversleeping for an egg sandwich. it's 8:20, and i'm awake. i can't sleep. i think i fell asleep. i'm not sure. i sobered up.. so i must have slept. its been a couple hours. maybe three. about an hour ago i made joey fuck me. so i guess i had 2 hours of sleep. i am so fucking bloody right now. and honestly, i'd rather make breakfast for myself today. i just know that by the time i get home from the store and end up cooking the food, i won't even want it anymore. It's so early, and it's a beautiful day. I don't have to worry about the bus. The day is up to me. I could have gotten on the bus 20 minutes ago. but i was still feeling sleepy.. not quite starving, decided to change my clothes. i realized i still didn't feel normal, and poured a good morning drink. i can take the bus in 35 minutes. i think i will. even if i just get my egg sandwich, and hop back on the bus back to the house to pass out. :-) "while we're on the subject, could we change the subject now? i was knocking on your ear's door, but you were always out. looking towards the future, we were begging for the past, well.. we know we had the good things, but those never seemed to last. oh please just last everyone's unhappy, everyone's ashamed well we all just got caught looking at somebody else's page well nothing ever went quite exactly as we planned our ideas held no water, but we used them like a dam oh, and we carried it all so well as if we got a new position oh, and i'll laugh all the way to hell saying "yes this is a fine promotion" oh, and i'll laugh all the way to hell of course everyone goes crazy, over such and such and such we made ourselves a pillar, we just used it as a crutch we were certainly uncertain, at least i'm pretty sure i am well we didn't need the water, but we just built that good goddamn oh and i know this of myself, i assume as much for other people. oh and i know this of myself, we've listened to more of life's end gong, than the sound of life's sweet bells. was it ever worth it? was there all that much to gain? well we knew we'd missed the boat.. and we'd already missed the plane.. we didn't read the invite, we just danced at our own wake.. all our favorites were playing, so we could shake shake shake shake shake... tiny curtains opened, and we heard the tiny clap of little hands.. a tiny man would tell a little joke, and get a tiny laugh from all them folks.. and drifting around on bubbles, and thinking it was us that carried them when we finally got it figured out that we'd truly missed the boat oh, and we carried it off so well as if we got a new position. oh, and we own all the tools ourselves without the skills to make a show with oh, what useless tools ourselves" post comment

[11 Nov 2009|05:28am] Wow.. i think i may be sloshed. i only had 4 drinks. but i haven't drank anything in days. i wanted to write something. Now i don't remember what it was :( It wasn't about frank. everything about him is sad to me right now. FOR THE RECORD: incase i forget.. i just took a piece of bud off of joey's shit to go down with the resin. lol.. i would have weighed it but the scale is so far away. def .2 or less. i don't care how good the shit is.. that's my most generous guess lol. what the fuck did i want to say? i started to feel sad.. poured another drink, prepared myself to write about it.. then forgot what i was going to write about. i played with the "random" button today. it pisses me off how many people write about their dreams on here. Oh wow.. i realized what i wanted to write. And i may be an assuming bitch, but "blogs" may not be for people like me. i'm not saying i'm leaving the site.. i prefer typing, and i enjoy having the internet hold onto my information for me It's just, all i find is losers. What is worse, is reading something exciting, then realizing that it's just some loser's dream. When you are going to write something that isn't actually YOUR thoughts, don't you usually make it clear? it seems like everyone here is writing because noone wants to hear their meaningless bullshit. they're either selling uggs, juggling two jobs, or trying to figure out their college major. fuck them. make up your mind. then submit your advice to cosmopolitan magazine. If i want, i can get laid any night of the week. I live with.. and share a bed with.. the biggest, most ambitious cock i've ever encountered. And if my roommate isn't available, i usually have a pretty good chance of getting laid in my hometown. The next town over. Well.. there's ALWAYS an oppurtunity for fucking.. I'm just talkin about the good cock. Everyone i find on here, is toally gay. (except tescovee) honest, i don't have the time or patience or sobriety to read ALL of his shit, but he won my heart. i like him. thats more than i can say about anyone else i have found here. Honest, i think he's the only person on blurty that i've ever heard mentioning getting laid. He seems big and muscular, and maybe a little freaky. kinda turns me on. i want a man that is going to take my body, and make it his. right now, what really turns me on.. is having a man come home to a locked up, wet, little girl who loves bring fucked. But really.. i would like to find out if there's anyone worth talking to on here. post comment

[11 Nov 2009|02:08am] [ mood | amused ] [ music | fake plastic trees - radiohead ] i'm surprised with myself. i just looked at the clock, realized it was 2 am and i was bored, and decided to go to sleep. i'm not tired lol.. wtf? i can't sleep. i'm legitly bored. not in a "surf the internet" or "stalk people's facebooks" sort of way. in an antsy sort of way. i turned off the music and the lights.. even the fishtank light. and curled up next to joey. then i asked myself "what the fuck is wrong with me?", and got back up. I'M NOT TIRED. wtf am i going to sleep for? so i can wake up in time to get an egg sandwich by myself? fuck that. if i miss breakfast at the deli, i'll go to a supermarket and buy some fucking eggs. i need to buy frosting anyway. i kept thinking about writing since i got home, but i haven't written anything since that crazy night.. and idk.. i feel like it needs an explanation. i just dont feel like giving it anymore. maybe i'll give one someday. i'm making a drink. not cause i really need one.. i just want to feel tired before the sun comes up. it's not like i'm doing anything stimulating. i got my period this morning,. so i'm not really feeling like excercising or masturbating.. or fucking for that matter. i've had my head so far up my ass lately, that i didn't even realize i was getting my period. me, of all people. and on an extremely obvious month. ... First, it was the emotions. Off the wall. I thought it was just me. ... Then, there was the smell. it's a distinct smell when i'm getting my period.. but basically every time my pussy was exposed yesterday, it was for sex. So my thoughts were like "uh wow.. i need a shower.. lets hope he doesnt smell it too bad". ... Then, there was the cramp. I can do pain. I just don't give a fuck most of the time. I get hurt all the time. Cuts, scrapes, bruises, occasional sprains.. i get the fuck over it. I don't get sick.. if i do, i get the fuck over it. Practically the only thing i've experienced with the potential to physically break me down.. is THAT cramp. It means "your period will be here by tomorrow". The only remedy for me, is advil liqui-gels or laying still with a blanket. idk why i didn't recognize it. I didn't get drunk sunday, or monday, or today. i'm not "proud of myself" or anything, just stating the facts. well.. i'm almost positive i didn't drink anything sunday. Somehow, i forgot about Pandora Radio. It's not good for every day, but i can think of days that it would have been appreciated. Neen just got hired at my store. I'm nervous. Not only am i a total spaz, and i'll be her boss.. but last time we worked together, it was a major turning point in my life. I know once doesn't make a trend lol.. i'm just wondering what is going to come of this. I've been getting skinnier. Which is pretty exciting, because i'm bloated. (bloating - another reason i should have known about my period.. though the trying to lose weight gives me some slack). I just have to stop scopping frosting straight from the container into my mouth and shovelling down chips. its one thing to keep up your metabolism, it's another to skip meals, and replace it with a stomacheful of sugar and salt. i'm pouring another drink. the only reason i'm mentioning this, is because i already turned off the lights. i don't want to wake joey by turning them back on, so i'm going near the bathroom light so i can see the lines in the cup. part of doing this, is saving my entry, and x-ing out of blurty, incase he wakes up in the process. :-) back again :-) My dad: ... He might be broke, he might never stop smoking crack, and he might be drunk all the time. He might insult people with pre-existing eating disorders, not have a problem with beating women, and he may sometimes even get a little weire around my friends, sometimes me. ... Nut god, does he try hard to be there when i need him. ... and honestly, i KNOW deep down that all i have to say is "dad, you don't have a choice. i need help". and he will find a way. i know it. He never promised that he'd always be there. All he ever promised was that he'd try his best. Yet, I KNOW that if he knows i'm serious, i know he'll work it out. My mom, on the other hand.. promised her life that she would be there for me.. no matter what. She vowed up and down that "even if i was a murderer", she was still my mother, and she would be there for me. As great of a mother (and daughter) as she has been, and deserves a break, i still feel like she should keep her promise. And it makes me sad that if my dad wasn't my dad, it'd be best if he wasn't a part of my life. yet, he's the only person i know that i can really rely on. ... i called him today.. cause i was stressing about how i was going to get another pack of cigarettes to get me through the week. he said he might be able to drop a pack off at my job. he said he'd call me at work later. ... he came, and gave me 2 packs of cigarettes and $30. all i asked for was a pack of cigarettes or some money towards one lol. i have to pee I almost wish i was in Virginia, as mush as i am almost glad that i'm not. (quick recap) JULY or AUGUST 2005 (right before junior year) I THINK: Ryan Flynn (from elementary school) and i met up randomly while he was out from VA, we had a 4 day encounter, thought i was in love. spent 2 weeks with him in Fredricksburg, VA. made great friends out there, made plans to move there, came home, and never talked to ryan again, but still talked to his friends. around SEPTEMBER: made friends with john vitti. talked a lot about ryan. they were always kinda friends. around the time that i moved in here with joey, john moved down to Virginia to live with Ryan. There are rumors of him doing heroin and shit, but that's not what i want to write about. Ryan had a girlfriend down there, for a while. As long as John lived there. She died about two months ago. From what i heard, she got drunk and wrapped her car around a tree. I never met her, but for some reason, i thought of her today. And i looked at her facebook. Ryan was the last person to comment. Apparently, after you die, people write shit on your wall like crazy. Like ur gonna read it. Lol.. i wonder if anyone friend requests the dead. Sorry.. disrespectful. But, yeah.. ryan's thing said that he slept in his bed for the first time since she's been gone, but it felt okay, because he felt like she was there with him. It broke my heart. i don't know how people move on. if i was ryan, and i wasn't already doing heroin, i'd probably start. I like myself. Really, i do. I don't care how i deal with my life in private. I don't care if i'm throwing up, cutting myself, drinking myself into oblivion. I'm a cool ass bitch. And i am making a vow, right now. Aside from my father (if i start it.. AND HE FIGHTS FAIR.. i know its still fucked up.. but i can't write off my dad), if another man ever hits me, he is gone. i used to be able to write people off if they gave me a reason to. THIS IS THE NEW AUTUMN. she's a hell of a lot like the old autumn. and she's fucking serious. and she's nobody's bitch. lets just hope that joey keeps his anger under control, or he may just get castrated. post comment

I am a bad girl. And i am feeling so hot right now. [08 Nov 2009|03:52am] [ mood | scandolous ] [ music | What's so Different - Ginuwine ] I was off yesterday.. i started seriously drinking shortly after my last entry. i was good. i think i poured my 1st drink after 2:30 pm. but thats not what i want to write about. Joey came home, we chilled.. Kyle came over. Joey mentioned doing the extacy he had left.. But it's a gell coated powder. So we each licked our finger and rubbed it under our tongue, and followed it ith a swig of something. Kyle was also eating those legal mushrooms that they picked, along with it. Also, there was some E left, so i made him snort it. Cause i don't snort.. And Joey seemed to be done for the night. Kyle left. cause he was feelin the e.. and i later found out that he was horny. I went for a coke run with Joey, and i can't remember for the life of me.. Where we went. All i remember is Joey saying something like: "Ron told me that hott bitch's been askin about me" I told him to bring me home... So he could go out. He said he'd rather spend his time with me. It made me kind of happy, but i want more. Kayla, kyle's girlfriend (who looks like the sister in the PBS show "arthur") made him drive out to center morriches before telling him that she wouldn't see him that night. So he came back.. We smoked so much weed last night (well.. he did. I let him have at it. I prob owe him that much anyhow over the years lol). Joey apparently fell asleep while we were still watching "The Chaos Theory" with Val Kilmer (one of Joey's idol's). It must have been during that movie, that he suggested rolling a joint. Then.. Once again, it was his idea to do shotties. I almost feel like he needed to know as bad as i did.. that he was as honest to god attracted to me.. as i am to him. After he kissed me.. i stepped off and asked about kayla. I can't see them together for any reason at all.. but she's nice. He stopped and thought about it for a second, and i asked why he'd still hook up with me. His response was "i think you're kinda cute, autumn." He kept kissing and touching me. So i let him. We made out all night. He left at like 4:10 AM. We were outside for a while too.. trying not to be seen by Joey. I was wearing flip flops, and apparently it was like 29 degrees. But his hands all over my body made me so hot. After last night, i feel like i could have made a river. he toldme that he usually doesn't like really skinny girls. but i think i may have changed his mind, last night. he had his hands all over me, and he said that "i feel good" Icase the situtaion wasn't clear, Kyle is supposed to be off limits. The day that Neen invited me over Frank's house, when she moved in there, Kyle and Frank picked me up. I wanted Neen. But she wanted Kyle. And his illnesses were extremely overplayed. By the way she blew me off.. i seriously thought he was dieing. Everything was gravy. neen was crazy.. i chose her side anyway.. and when Jill (Frank's x became his new girlfriend.. i knew things were crazy. Jill, Lindsay, and I are the only people to know about his bulemia.. i feel like Jill told kyle. Still.. i may be tthe only person that cares that knows that frank's dad is a crack head. Jill's out of the picyure, but there are still people that don't want us together whatsoever. I need to sleep. I want money, damnit. The only thing that makes me happy about nweekends is the breakfast. i don't have money for it right now. BUT I WANT BREAKFAST post comment

Quick note.. [06 Nov 2009|01:51pm] [ mood | FAT ] I just looked at this girl's pictures on facebook. When we were little, we were really close. We were both the tiny, pretty, cool girls (she was more popular.. i'm just cool lol). She had prettier features. Only, i was a lot smarter, and down to earth, and developed faster. We were always compared to eachother and subconsiously competeing with eachother.. until around 6th grade, when she moved to Florida. It was the sort of situation that.. When i decided to tell an old friend of ours from elementary school that we used to make out and play with eachother.. lol.. in the locker room.. on sleepovers.. under the bridge on the playground. His response was (paraphrasing) "EVERYONE HAS FANTASIZED ABOUT THAT! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE WISHED THEY KNEW THIS WAS GOING ON?" And its true.. children would have payed to see that child porn. I know i'm still the better choice.. i mean.. all her clothes were armani and bebe and coach, and i'm guessing all the tanning is wearing on her.. she's looking really old. Her skin looks like a workboot. Only.. she's skinny. Really skinny. Much skinnier than i am at the moment. And i think that's my motivation to stop being a fucking heffer all the time. I can totally get skinnier than her. I was skinnier than her two months ago.. and i'll do it again. :-) I hate when people are skinnier than me. post comment

I should be cleaningggg... [06 Nov 2009|12:54pm] Kyle and i took a big step in our friendship today lol.. We exchanged numbers. I am so retarded lol. He didn't know that i already had his, from when it was Frank's phone. He facebook messaged me.. i told him i was goin to the laundrymat.. but we could chill out and get stoned together afterwards. Then he said to call him when i'm done to see if he's around. I did call, but to tell him not to worry about the ride, cause the bus would come any second. I woke up at like 6:15 this morning, and couldn't fall back to sleep. I was stressing so hard about money. Rent's due this paycheck, and i was supposed to pay part of my LIPA bill last week, but i couldn't, and i was worried about how much i'd have to pay this week. Along with still affording weed. It all worked out.. I finally found that bill, and the due date was only like last week. Also, apparently they felt bad that they smashed 5 months of bills on me at once, and set me up with a payment plan. I didn't know that they do that lol. So i only payed $75, and a lil more every month. LIPA is really nice people. Now all i have to worry about is controlling myself the rest of the week.. cause i have like $40 left. And hoping to god that my phone doesn't get shut off before i can promise verizon to pay them next week. And hope that my gas bill isn't overdue yet. However, by the time i pay those off, i'll have another month's bills to pay. i'm wondering when the hell i'll be able to send aunt carm a check to start paying her back for my deposit. It's been like 9 months, and i still owe her the whole $650 i borrowed. Fuck my life. Also, i owe my mom $310 (i believe). I don't feel super guilty about that one.. i mean.. i never asked for that much. Plus, she spent that $800 (or whatever it totalled) from the money she put aside for me from my "rent" when i lived there.. so i can "get a car or pay a deposit for a place". And i have been kind of gyped lately.. On a {gyped = how she could have easily helped me / how she has helped me} scale. Still, it wasn't my money.. and i'd like to pay her back. I'm just not in a rush for that one. The cunt won't even return my phonecalls. I did laundry today. It's gay getting there early, cause it throws off my whole routine. I always throw the clothes in the wash, then go to Wendy's. But when i go early, i walk outside.. and realize that they don't open until 11. Today, that was exactly when my clothes would be ready for the dryer. I had 20 minutes. So i went behind the building and smoked some pot by the dumpsters. Put the clothes in the dryer, and went. Risky.. there's no locks on the dryers lol. Wendy's is always so weird there in the afternoon. It's a steady flow of highschoolers on their lunch break. And they're all so well dressed and trendy lol. I ate, took a hit in the restroom, and made my getaway. Hopped the bus back, and here i am. post comment

Laugh at life. [05 Nov 2009|09:45pm] I lost my keys in the store yesterday. I freaked out for a bit.. then decided that i didn't care. If i didn't find them and got fired, it was god's plan. I was suppposed to be in at 3.. but i got there at like 1:20 to start looking for them. they were under a box, on top of another. I found them at 2. So i lolly gagged around tanger for an hour. I fixed my makeup in the bathroom, where i met a crazy lady with a dog named Chewbacca. I asked her to take a picture for him.. For Blake. I wen't to Clementines.. and i saw a really cute magnet that i wanted to get for Joey. It read "I love you more than i did yesterday.. Because yesterday.. You really ticked me off." but i'm trying to conserve my money. So i went to payless, and fell in love with a pair of boots and a huge pair of "hide my pupils and blood-shot eyes" sunglasses. But i didn't buy them.. conserving money :-(. I went back in front of my store.. to chill and smoke a cigarette before i went in. That boy, from Le Creuset was sitting on the bench.. so i went and sat next to him. I talked to him for a while, and found out that his name is Greg, and he lives really close to me. I think he got scared when he heard that i'm 20. Whatever. He doesn't seem confident enough anyway. Joey's home. post comment

just feeling like.. [04 Nov 2009|09:01pm] AHHHHHHHH! post comment

[04 Nov 2009|07:23pm] [ music | Happiness & the Fish - Our Lady Peace ] I have a strong urge to just lay on the floor and grab at air.. while crying for an extended period of time. Only, all my music and playlists are gone. I accidentally synced with Joey's itunes.. drrrr. So.. i can't do that. Which is fine with me. With my luck, Joey will come home while i'm killing myself. Causing another failed suicide attempt. I don't even feel like dieing right now, honestly. Right now.. i feel like going back in time.. And throwing up everything i've eaten for the past month and a half. Joey sucks, honestly. He either knows, or he's trying to get me to confess. Everytime someone mentions bulemia on tv or whatever.. he always has a comment to me.. like "is that how it makes you feel?" He always had anorexic comments.. But this only started when he caught me that day. Yet.. He only had an idea that he caught me.. and i played stupid. Now.. i'm so fucking afraid that he'll find out and talk to me about it. Why doesn't he just leave me be? He's always there when i'm hungry. Can't he just play dead after i eat? We all know he likes the skinny bitches anyway. Who cares how i got that way? I have to pee so fucking bad. post comment

[02 Nov 2009|12:45pm] [ music | Ragoo - Kings of Leon ] "The muscle i hustle is real for my friends, but the muscle i keep for myself is pretend" I wanna start drinking. But once i start, i can't stop. So if i were to start drinkin now, and still be up drinking later.. i'd either need a nap.. or beer. We just have liquor. Plus, i'm almost out of pot. I've been a mess lately, so it's probably for the best anyway. Maybe i'll just have one. Today's afternoon delight. I'm really not in the mood to cry. I feel like shit. But i don't want to start crying, for once. Ha ha.. We watched The Devil's Rejects on Halloween. It was my first time ever paying attention to it.. and it rocked my world. Yeah.. i know that's a little scary.. But it's funny too.. Apparently, i'm sicker than i thought :-). Since i watched it, i've felt a little bit more like the old, vulgar Autumn. She's fun. I wish she could be recorded. She says the most ridiculous, distorted things. Last night, i said it seems like every time that Joey gets a compliment, his dick grows an extra inch. Sweet autumn wouldn't form that sentence lol. Her mind just wouldn't go there quickly enough for me to say it. i had so much fun at Wendy's last night with Deonna. We went after work, cause she wanted a Frosty. And i always want Wendy's. I took the seat facing the hottie. Probably a high school hottie, but he had facial hair. unfortunately, The screen was right in my way.. so we could barely make eye contact. But it was cool. I let my stalker out, and just watched his reflection in the window. We talked about stalkers for a bit. I told her about how i started dating Mark by stalking him. Erick would have been a fun story, but it's kind of long, and hard to tell it so she'd understand. She's such a big baby, i'm seriously shocked by how well we get along. She's always telling me to be careful, and telling me that the decisions i make are dumb and dangerous. Usually, i get really pissed off at people like that. Idk though.. I've almost made it a game to shock her with my tales, then make her see it as funny as i do. Like the tanger guy! The tall skinny black guy! My guess is not africa black, more like haiti or jamaica black lol. Blah blah.. the guy calls me "hot coffee" or "coffee" for short.. err.. cause i always have coffee. A few days ago (oct 30), i was walkin to the food court, and he drove by on his little golf kart and gave me a ride lol. We made plans for the next day to find somewhere to hide, and he'd smoke me up with some haze lol. I had to go to work early, so i didn't get to.. but i know we're gonna blaze sometime soon lol. When i told Deonna.. i basically got a "wtf.. you're dumb". Gradually, she started laughing about it. Then, last night.. one of the karts drove by with their little yellow lights on.. and when i pointed out that i was taken for a ride on one of those.. I knew i won. I'm wearing Joey's t shirt. I put it on last night. It occurred to me that i don't think i've ever worn his clothes. And i wanted to. I don't think he liked it, but that's okay. What i really wanted.. was to wear him. Not in a cut off your face and make a mask out of it.. more like.. "may i borrow your skin for a few hours?". I smell him all around me I wish i was prettier. And today, i'm wishing that i would have waited for college before living my lifestyle. I'm twenty years old, and i don't have my liscence. Because i'm drunk all the time. It's just kinda gay.. cause it's not like i can just give up on myself. I'm not smokin crack.. and i control my drinking most of the time. Sure, i get the shakes sometimes, but i'm not ruining my life. I'm just making it harder than it had to be. ugly 2 comments|post comment

[01 Nov 2009|01:13am] [ mood | blah ] [ music | Wicker Chair - Kings of Leon ] It's Halloween. I have liquor (& soda), i have weed, i have cash, i have cigarettes. I had an alright day today. But i'm alone. I have no company. I thought i was with Joey and Kyle for the night... but i think i'm just getting old I've been noticeing a lot of that lately. Thinking i was set for the night.. A bit more chillin.. Maybe sex.. Then sleep time. Then Joey says "So.. What do you want to do tonight?" And i know he's going out lol. One day, i plan to be over him. Today.. And yesterday.. And the day before.. Wasn't the day. He's so fucking sexy.. i have a hard time acting normal in front of guests because of it. Lol.. I don't think it's the case.. but i thought it was noteworthy.. Maybe i'm just acting funny tonight.. Cause the guest was Kyle. i always act funny.. but still.. omg.. he's so fucking strong. i have to shut up. i wanna fuck joey tonight. I've been thinking lately.. And i think that if i could call Joey "mine".. And know it was true.. I'd actually be happy. I am happy with him. And i believe he's happy with me.. Then "man" takes over. I'm not the best trophy to show off. I'm a tiny, honest, easy-going, independant, hard workin', smokin', drinkin', redneck at heart. Also, i think that even the things that most men find attractive about that.. May be problems with me. I work a lot.. and i don't fix my appearance forEVER. Also, along with independance.. comes pride (in my situation). Makes me seem like an idiot sometimes. Also, just for the record.. I drink like a sailor. And i get some sort of internal happiness that i can't explain when i get real shitfaced and fuck up my life. Well.. not happiness.. just humor. I mean.. sometimes i can drink all night.. and feel fine. But there are times that i want to get shit faced.. and have a retarded story to tell.. and i do. if i want to.. i just do it I smell like pumpkin. "You laugh at nothing in the pouring rain.. You try to tell yourself your not insane." post comment

I'm pissed that i can't add music to this.. i probably can when i'm sober though. [30 Oct 2009|11:50pm] My job is gay. Really gay.. but i've been cool with it lately. We can't hire any good people.. So i worked 6 days this week. But i don't care. I'm actually getting overtime this week. I'll take the cash. When i think about working when i'm not supposed to.. My initial reaction is "fuck that shit". Then, i think about what i'd be doing if i wasn't at work. Joey just got home.. i should have written here first.. but no.. i wanted music. it's cool. I'll figure it out. Or i'll find a new place to write. All is fun. Happy mischief night, all. I hope it feels more like Halloween to everyone else than it does to me.

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