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Blurty for Put me in the stars.
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| Sunday, February 15th, 2004 |
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I wish I could do something to help him. I wish I could make him realize how much he means to me. Yet, he needs to mean something to himself first. The self destruction is getting worse. I cant stop him. My prayers go unanwsered and I am becomming frightened. What is going to happen next? What happens if he cuts too deep next time? And I cant stop it. He wont listen. I have no power against his hate towards himself. No love I can give can conquor it. And I am scared. Oh, so very scared. When I see him I need to hug him EVERY time... and Im scared to let go. Because I know the chances of touching him again are growing slimmer. When I talk to him, I become quiet, in the hopes of always remembering his voice. I dont want to see him go. I never want to see him go. This rope is fraying thinner and my heart is growing weak. All these years to trying to fix myself, trying to be strong... how can I handle this? If he lets go... where will that leave me? I will hit rock bottom once again. I know it, I will. I promise I will. My faith reaches the heavens, but this guilt of mine will suffocate me. I will never forgive myself if Im not able to help him. I dont know how to do it. There is nothing that I can give him that will make him see how incredible his life is and how much he is worth. I need him in my world. I NEED him. Ive always known since the day that he sat behind me and shook my hand that this was a person that was going to impact my life. I know that even more now. He is a part of me and if his life is cut short, a huge part of ME will die with him. I cant let that happen. He has no clue of the nights I cry for him, of the nights I pray to God that I could be given the strength to carry his burdens. Dear Lord, if you would give me the strength to shine light on his heart, for him to be open to you as he is open to me, and that I can save him from his sorrows Lord, please!... I cant live without him. Yes. I said it. I CANT live without him. But he will never know. Never understand. Never care. If its the last thing I do God, please... help me, help him. I love him. |
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I'll be back soon, I promise. Im at my Papa's house so I can use this computer. I'll do the best I can to make up for these weeks away. I have so much to tell. Sorry for my absence. Oh Hell... it's not like you care. Have a day. -Me |
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| Tuesday, December 9th, 2003 |
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See what Ive become... we are one
Yet I am broken to the core Alone in my mind, beside my fears Insecure beyond imagine, my raining tears. Dyslexic in my actions, and backwords through the door You ask me for a tissue, Ive used them. No More. Confusion always spinning, this cycle runs on high A circle of falling over, tripped, broken, die........ Push away my remains on the sidewalk of life, Glue me back together to avoid the strife But perfect as I seem, I fall apart. Dillute me with your poisons. Absorb me into shock, time is ticking past my eyes Tick, Tock, break the clock. Into the dark we go! Bury this body like a seed expecting a flower to grow. The laughing is getting louder Humiliation at my heels You break me down to see me hurt To see how pain can feel I wish that once you would find a way To make me feel alive. If even then I become undead You still leave me deprived. |
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| Monday, December 1st, 2003 |
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This autumn has been incredible. Not for an abundance of things gone right, But for the amount of growth I have experienced. I am groing more and more each day. Spiritually, mentally, sexually, physically. Wise beyond my years I thrive. I still make mistakes. Ive been tempted, and Ive bitten. I cant trust myself anymore. These autumn tears drown me. I cry for the days lost, the days spent Free in my skin I wander Through this world of torment Temptation at each road block Again and again I fall. Guilt riding on my shoulders I forgive. Forgive others... forgive myself. BETRAYAL beside my guilt... Taken advantage of when I thought the feelings were true. Ive trusted. Trusted, and broke. |
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| Saturday, November 22nd, 2003 |
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Check out the new converse yo... lol.
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| Wednesday, November 19th, 2003 |
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| Matt Moeller is a BITCH :) | ||||||||
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Blurty for Put me in the stars.
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scared.
crushed.
accomplished.